2012 wrap up

That about sums up 2012 for me!  At the start of this year my plan was to use this blog as a way to shaming myself into losing weight.  Didn't work.

I had several plans that went bust completely or partially this past year. 

The failed weight loss plan is only the first item on my list of complaints.  And I can only complain to myself.  I'd smack myself with a wet noodle but would probably eat it.  I'm just coming off of holiday eating.  Yesterday, after a 4 day weekend, I tried to go back to normal eating patterns and my body kept making me feel faint because I hadn't eaten on an hourly basis.  And I gave into it because it was uncomfortable.  This is a problem!  Today I will do better!  (I hope)

Then there was my 30 year class reunion.  I'd been waiting for this for 30 freaking years!  And what happens to me?  I put my back out.  I went to the reunion and it was great seeing people but I was in pain the whole time.  I can see it in some of the pictures, where I didn't know they were shooting.  I have this constipated look and am sitting all cockamamie.  I ended up in the ER at the crack of dawn the following AM thanks to Ken hauling my crippled ass upright and helping me toddle oh so slowly to the car.  So instead of having a blast with my classmates, I spent that day drugged up on pain pills and anti-spasm meds in the hotel room bed.  Ken was so sweet...he stayed with me and cuddled and brought me food tho the meds made me feel nauseous.  But I am seriously pissed that my back had to pull that crap during my reunion and hosed my chance of spending some more fun time with my classmates!    Better luck at the 40th I guess.  I hope!

I had a dream of selling my house.  Well.  I got the ball rolling by asking the Park Office to give me a compliance list so I would know what I had to do to get my house ready to go to market.  When you live in a trailer court, it can be tricky to sell your house, sitting on their lot, if they are not going to approve it to stay there.  Well.  I got a mini-novel of things they wanted fixed.  Resentment flared because there are lots of places in worse shape than mine in that court.  Then I realized, they'll probably have a worse to-do list than me if they decide to sell.  They have my sympathies.  The list was full of fun stuff like painting, adding railings where I didn't need them when I bought the place, same thing with back stairs...didn't need them when I bought the place but now I do.  Down to window & screen replacements, and replacing all the screws on the skirting.  LOTS of work to be done.  My heart sank into my stomach and sat there like a rock.  And then I dusted off and got to work.  AFTER my back had recovered from my class reunion which took a good month of chiropractic treatment (joy).  So I worked and worked and spent and spent.  And the house looks pretty good but I ran out of good weather and money and didn't get it into compliance and therefore on the market.  I'm hoping I can pull it off by next summer.  If not, I'll try to get everything done by the end of summer and try to sell it during the winter.  I don't care.  I just want the bloody thing sold!  Time to move on to the next chapter of my life.  The raising kids chapter is done.  Now I want to be a free spirited grandma who travels and has lots of fun and doesn't have to do yard work or repair toilets!   Been there, done that, sick of it.

I can't say I have any sadness over bidding 2012 adieu.  It did have its high points but I'm hoping to have more success with my various goals in the coming year.  I'm going to give up on the shaming thing.  Here is my list of goals for the coming year - it's short but should be challenging!

>  Lose weight!
>  Get more fit - amp up my physical activity levels and stop being such a marshmallow!
>  Get my house into compliance and get it on the market!
>  On the personal growth side...try to be more positive in my approach to life.  Acknowledge that I alone am responsible for my mental health and if I'm moping around, blaming others for my unhappiness I need to check myself and make some adjustments to my thinking or decide if I'm willing to make some changes to my life to solve the issues. 

Not a bad list!  And no shame involved!  I do have to fight my basic nature for some of them.  I'm not a naturally balanced person.  I tend to lean towards pleasure seeking and laziness.  But I don't like my weight, I don't like that I'm a marshmallow and I don't like that I sometimes wallow in self pity and bitterness more than I should.  (I have to admit I enjoy that sometimes...ok a lot.)  Some of that stuff is ok but I need to find more balance.  I will NEVER be a super-cheerful/positive/driven/skinny exercise buff but sliding a bit more in that direction wouldn't hurt me any. 

Final random thoughts

Since the world is ending tomorrow I have a few things I’d like to say. 

Ø  To my family – I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!  You are freaking nuts! 

o   My parents – so glad neither of you ever really turned into “grown-ups”!  I’ve inherited that and it has made my life so much more fun than if I was actually a “grown-up”.  You have some great genetic material – thank you for sharing!  And for being my playmates in life as well as my parents.   And thanks for being good looking, smart and talented.  I got some good kids out of that genetic mix!  My family looks great in family pictures!  Love you!!!

o   My siblings – I will miss our conversations and how the volume goes up and up as we all talk over each other since we all have issues with waiting for someone to take a breath and have large lung capacities.  And we all know everything and no one can tell us different!  If only the world could sit in on our discussions – all problems would be solved.  Stupid world doesn’t know what it’s missing out on!  Love you!!!

o   My kids – you guys are my built in favorite people to hang out with!  Funny how that turned out since I was ready to run away from home/praying to be taken to jail/wishing you’d call child protection on me so they’d take you/me away/dreaming of being drugged up in a psych ward so nothing would matter so often when I was raising you.  You were too much like me and my sibs – my Mom got her revenge.  I raised a pack of “I hope you have kids just like you someday”s!  Love you!!!

o   Ken – ok – I really needed another serious dose of my Ken in January.  DAMMIT!!!  I’m bitter about this one.  If the idiots are wrong and the world doesn’t end tomorrow, it’s on baby!!!  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Why yes, I think you are!  I’ve had more damned fun doing everything with you!  Love you!!!

Ø  To my classmates – I’m thankful for facebook so I could learn what a pain in the ass I was as a kid and that you guys aren’t nearly as bad as I thought you were!  In fact, you’re pretty great!  Who’da thunk?  I’ve been happily educated!  You guys rock!  Hopefully we’ll party together in the next phase of existence!

Ø  To my pals  – So glad I met your sarcastic, cranky, goofball asses!  You can’t be a delicate flower and be a close friend with me.  You gotta be able to tolerate some crude/foul language/discussions because when I’m with those I know well, I really relax and that can make some run for the hills!  I’m grateful for you guys and that you can hand it back!  I don’t hang with pussies!  So guys, you aren’t pussies in my book – you rock!  And I love you!  And after today you won’t have to listen to any more of my shit, like when I whine or am mean or unfair or bitchy.  I know, you’ll miss it.  J 

Ø  State of Minnesota – kiss my lily white ass!   (aside - I’ve stopped tanning for the winter so it’s white)   You fuckers tax too much of my income and if the world had lasted long enough I’d have finally gotten my house sold and moved someplace that isn’t all full of tax and spend fiends!  Piss off! 

o   On a side note, you have a gorgeous state in the spring, summer and fall.  Winter, pfft.  But you tax too much and live outside your means.  And I’m sick of being afraid to admit to being a fiscal conservative for fear of getting my car keyed. 

Ø  Governor Dayton – stop looking like a beaten puppy dog!!  I tell you, every time I see your face I want to run up and shake you and slap you and tell you to knock it off!  Plus, don’t speak.  You sound like Elmo with a cold.  Not good. 

Ø  Going to keep it local because thinking about the federal level makes me want to end things a bit early.  Seriously.  I’ve made a point of avoiding that as much as possible over the years in an effort to maintain my sanity and not have to start taking anti-depressants.  Avoidance is my medicine and it has worked.  Gotta get back to it because I’m getting that sick feeling again just from writing this!  If the world wasn’t ending tomorrow I’d have to say I think the US is pretty fucked right now. 

Ø  To my boss – I’ve been making an effort.  Yesterday was a good day with us!  We LOL’d together in emails.  Rare but hey, it happened and I’m glad!  Sadly it happened because I was an idiot but that’s beside the point.  I still wish I would have lived long enough to quit working for you.  So I could have done a private happy dance on my last day.  Either that or managed to actually decide to like working for you instead of wanting to storm out of here at random moments.  I think I’m getting there some days and then it hits again.  But tomorrow it’s all over so no more worries!  We’re ending on a good note!  Unless we manage to screw it up today.  I’m going to avoid contact as much as possible to be on the safe side.

All I can think of right now.  I’m ready.  I think I’ll go home and engage in some of the 7 deadly sins just for the fun of it tonight!  Going out with a bang!   A small bang but a bang nonetheless!  ROCK ON!!!  Or not.  J

Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting

My heart is broken for the families who've suffered losses because of the recent mass shootings at the Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I cried because I imagined how I'd feel if I'd heard that one of my granddaughters had been shot and killed at school one day.  A lot of people are in an enormous amount of pain right now.  My heart goes out to them! 

Since this has happened I've seen a lot of people politicizing it as far as for/against gun control.  They want to make sure this never happens again.  I have some sad news for people.  It doesn't matter if you banned all guns or if you have everyone armed to the teeth.  You can't stop the random mad man from doing what Adam Lanza did, or countless others have done, when they decide to spread their suffering before they kill themselves.  This is the truth.  Like it or not, it is the truth.

People want to believe that they can control the world.  They want to make sense out of chaos and make it go away.  The fact is that the world is full of chaos and no matter how many laws you enact or how many protective bubbles you try to create or how hard you pray, you won't be safe.

Safety is an illusion.  The idea if you eat well and exercise you'll live to a ripe old age.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  If you drive safely, you won't die in a flaming car crash.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  That the child your bore won't someday turn on you and kill you.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  That the parent who bore you won't suddenly turn on you and kill you.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  I could go on and on. 

If you somehow manage to ban guns and get all of them removed from the public sector, what's next?  Can you ban someone from making bombs?  (Oklahoma bomber ring any bells?)  Or possibly using bows and arrows?  Or a knife and slashing some throats?  Or just bare hands and strangling or bludgeoning someone to death?  Happens all the time folks.  You can't legislate it away.  I'm sorry.  You can't.  And if you arm everyone can you stop this?  Well maybe you can stop it sooner than happened in this situation but there is no guarantee of that either.

If you call the police because someone you know is buying guns and making comments will that stop them?  Hard to say.  No guarantees here either.  If the guns are all legal and the person isn't deemed as unfit to have them, the police can do nothing because they haven't broken any laws.  Maybe that bit of attention would make a difference but maybe not. 

There is evil in the world and it won't be legislated.  It won't obey laws.  You can try but you may not be able to protect your loved ones against it.  Or even yourself.  You can try to hedge your bets by doing the things I mentioned above...eating well, driving carefully, etc.  It's something!  But it's not a guarantee.  There are none. 

One thing I try to do, is remember that my loved ones could be taken from me at any time.  Or that I could be taken from them at any time.  I live my life accordingly.  I make sure they all know how much I love them.  If I was to die today I can honestly say I'd have no unfinished business except I'd wish I could have stayed longer.  I'd have no regrets.  I think about how people will feel if we were suddenly over and unable to resolve any issues.  I live with this awareness of potential chaos every day.  I understand wanting to make it go away but you can't.  Just like death.  There is no more chance of escape from chaos than there is from death.  It will happen.  Ask a cancer patient.  Ask a hurricane survivor.  Ask Senator Gabby.  It's bigger than us.  And the ones who survive?  It's temporary.  We're all doing to die.  It's inescapable.  And if he wants to, one madman can change the world.  Can break your heart.

I think it's kind of dangerous to think that we can stop this kind of thing from happening.  Dangerous because if we really believe we're safe, we can continue to act like idiots and not take care of our personal relationships like we should.  Because we think we have time that we may not have.  

The only solace I can take from what happened to those children and the adults who died in this shooting is that they were loved.  And I hope that they all knew how much and that the families only regrets are that they won't get to give them more love in the coming years.  In the end, I think that's the most important lesson to this.  Don't leave unfinished business.  If you love someone, don't play games with them.  Don't withhold it from them because things aren't going your way.  Grow up!  Stop acting like an idiot!  Deal with the issues but always make sure they know how very much they are loved!!  Always.

some days the excitement is more than I can bear

I just had a conversation with a co-worker about the fact that he discovered an "O" in a project # that he now needed to filter out of his search groups.  He came up to my office to tell me that.  My soul is dying.

Today has been a testy day for me.  Started at 12:30 AM when I heard my dog Bruiser crying as he circled round and round and I realized he was setting up to take a dump on the floor!  I leapt out of bed and threw him outside.  At least I caught him before he stenched up my house. 

Then this AM when it was time for him to go out he almost made it to the door.  I'm clapping and urging him to me and he's giving me a look and I realize he's going to make a run for it.  He did.  It was VERY cold and snowing out and his delicate highness doesn't care for cold or snow so he tried to escape.  I can't say I blame him!  But I wrangled him down, onto his leash and pushed him out the door. 

We had a snow storm the day before so I bundled up and headed out to dig my car out.  More good news!  It hadn't snowed much since the night before so all I had to do was shovel a path out to the street and was on the road in about 10 mins!  Got to the bus stop and found there was a line waiting that reminded me of lines for rides at our local amusement park, Valley Fair.  I decided I'd take a pass on waiting for a couple of buses and got back in my car to brave the crappy roads.  Roads were slow enough so there was no risk of a spin out, but they were steady.  I was shocked, after all this, that I was a whopping 15 minutes late for work!  Not bad! 

I was the first one to arrive at the office and as some of my co-workers called in to announce they'd be late, they marveled at the fact that I'd made it in so early.  What can I say?  I'm a professional northerner who doesn't forget how to drive when it snows!  We're a rare breed.  As I received calls I discovered what a crab I can be when they'd ask how I got in so early I was tempted to say "I tried and then succeeded".

So I've been plugging away at work, avoiding people since my snarky side is in full bloom today and I'm not to be trusted.  In fact, I'm going to strongly edit myself about the many not so kind thoughts that flew through my head over this and that today.  Even I'm ashamed of some of them and others can hurt feelings and lord knows I've had to pull enough posts off this blog because I've hurt feelings and/or offended people I care about!  Some things are better left unsaid and only roaming inside my own head.  It's possible it's early onset PMS but also possible it's just because sometimes I'm a bitch.

I want to be honest when I write but sometimes the cost is too high.   I don't mind making myself look like an ass.  I am one sometimes and it's good that I don't let myself lose sight of that, but while I tend to be brutal with myself I'm equally brutal with others and it doesn't always come off well if I write it and post it here.  I prefer not to fight with anyone or damage my relationships so I'm learning to edit in spite of the fact that I think it's a good exercise to expose oneself, so to speak. 

It would be really easy to make posts that show me as always being kind, talented, smart or generous.  To only post pictures of myself that are flattering.  Problem is, I feel like a fraud if I only show the parts of me that I like and hide the rest.  Even when it hurts!  Like admitting I'm fat.  Or being a bitch or an ass.  When I'm having a tantrum and realize I was out of line.  Or that I have odd little whiskers on my chin that I have to trim daily (oh the joys of getting old!). 

We all have embarrassing parts and my way of connecting is to show you mine!  If you want to respond in kind, fine but if not, at least you maybe got a chuckle over something that clicked and you know what I'm talking about, even if you don't want to say it about yourself. 

I started this planning to write about my snarky day and realized I can't say too much without potentially offending people but I'll make a few comments because I think I can get away with them.

I watched a guy take an amazing amount of time to spread some chicken or tuna salad on a couple of buns.  I think he did it a 1/2 tsp at a time.  With profuse spreading in between each 1/2 tsp!  I think if he was around me a lot I'd have to kill him just because of that. 

I was reminded that my adult co-workers can't put away clean dishes in the dishwasher.  Usually our receptionist does that but she was snowed in and late and so they just piled their dirty dishes in the sink rather than put away the clean ones (took maybe 2 mins) and put their dirty dishes away. 

If someone wants me to change a field in a program they should tell me the correct field to change.  I honestly don't know anyone who can really read minds!  I felt like my boss and I were speaking different languages today.  I finally sent her a picture of what was happening because describing it didn't seem to be working.  Then she sent me a picture back and at that point I was ready to go back home because that was when I realized she'd been telling me to change the wrong thing!  What she was telling me to do at that point made no sense.  I emailed her back in frustration asking her what the heck she was talking about because it made no sense!  Then I went back to the picture she sent and studied it and decided to try it even tho it wasn't changing the Revenue Method (term she used) but was instead changing the Revenue Type (shown in her picture).  It worked.  So I had to admit that I figured it out right after I'd sent the message of massive frustration and confusion.  I wasn't going to bother pointing out her terminology issues.  That would just turn it into a pissing match again and I'm tired of having those with her.

And to close, I really wish people wouldn't walk up to my office to tell me the sent me an email.  Do they not get how email works? 

"Nuff said!  Happy Monday!

Maybe not "nuff said.  Just got home from a slow commute to find that my parking space has not been plowed.  The plows were busy little bees yesterday piling snow around my car for me to shovel but when my car is gone it's just not as fun to plow in front of my house!  Well I backed my car back into my snowbank.  Repeatedly.  I'll make my own god-damned parking spot!  I'm in a mood.  Now I'm parked slanty-wise on my sidewalk and I don't give a rat's ass.  I'm tempted to just pull into my yard and create my own driveway!

I felt like crying when I drove up and saw that and drove around the block and saw no better options.  It's frustrating.  I wish I had my own snow plow.

Cursed Christmas

Oh no!  That dreaded time of year has reared its ugly head again! 

I wish I could say that this time of year fills me with happiness and a feeling of goodwill towards my fellow man.  Instead it makes me want to clutch my pocketbook to my breast and hang on for dear life!  It also makes me groan  when I think of the extra work that needs to be done to decorate, shop and bake in preparation for the big event.  And then there is the event.  Organized chaos!  Luckily my sister manages that for the most part since she hosts every year.  She’s allergic to my dog and has a much larger house than I do so it’s just the way it’s been for years.  YAY Stacey!!  Thank you for saving me from some of the chaos!!

The one good thing about it is I get a day off with holiday pay.  Meh.  It’s something. 

This year I have been making my credit cards weep in agony as I try to get my house into compliance for sale.  (Joy of living in a mobile home - another pack of folks who get to boss you around aka the Park Office) I REALLY want to get it sold and get on with my life!  I feel like it’s a weight around my neck right now and it’s strangling me a bit.  (When I let myself feel all dramatic about it, which I do sometimes.)  So here comes Christmas.  The season of gift giving.  yay.  I really get what Scrooge felt about it!  The last time I felt the “magic” of Christmas I was a little kid and my Mom was the one groaning through all the work to make it magical for me.  Thanks Mom!  That was the best time of my life and I was too stupid to know it!  Then I grew up and it became my job and the party was over.  Dammit!  I keep telling my grandkids not to be in such a hurry to grow up.  It isn’t that great!  Think they’ll listen?  Of course not.  They never do.

So now I’m trying to figure out how to afford gifts for my loved ones while avoiding making my checkbook/credit cards begin to rend their garments in agony.  It doesn’t help that I don’t have a clue what to get for anyone this year and that giving everyone money would be tacky as well as looking bad to have nothing but envelopes under the tree.  Tempting though because boy oh boy, would it simplify my life to do it that way!  I need to PONDER what they might like that’s cheap.  I don’t have time to ponder!  I tend to fill that time reading books (bad habit I know).  I should probably make myself leave the books alone and just sit and ponder a while.  I wonder if that would help?  Knowing me, I’d zone out and not accomplish anything.  Or I’d wander off because I thought of something I had to do. 

So I’m stuck with the gift giving festival conundrum.  Bah Humbug!

And then there’s the decorating.  Last year I gave away my crappy fake tree and didn’t decorate at all.  Penelope was too little to care and Brooke & Ariana were in WA with their Dad so they didn’t care either.  I didn’t care – it was great!  Now, since I Penelope is old enough to notice and the girls are here this year, I feel like I should decorate but I’ve given myself an out.  Lee (daughter I donated crappy fake tree to) may or may not use my tree.  Her boyfriend wants a real one.  If they get a real one, I’ll take my crappy fake tree back and decorate it and be a good grandma with a festive house for the kids to visit.  If they decide to save some $’s and use the tree, gosh, grandma is off the hook!  Weirdly tho, I’ll feel a bit bad if I’m off the hook.  My grandparents always had things looking festive for us when we visited.  I feel like I’m dropping the ball on this one.  But I’m also too poor (see above) to purchase another crappy fake tree so that’s that.

So my house may or may not be decorated.  And either has drawbacks.  Bah Humbug!

And finally there is the baking.  Now normally I LOVE baking!  I really do!  But this is baking that becomes almost like work because there is so much of it.  And it has to be done by a certain time so it can be shipped in time to get to loved ones before the holidays.  Pressure.  GAH!  Plus ingredients aren’t free (see above). 

There is another piece to this issue for me.  I’m trying to lose weight.  My natural state seems to be fat and if I don’t diet constantly I revert to fat.  Sadly I’ve reverted to fat again so must fend it off.  So I’m back to dieting AND I’m supposed to bake a billion cookies.  All those good smells and flavors surrounding me for days and days!  And I’m supposed to diet.  Yeah right.

Diets kill joy. 

I wish I liked being slim more than I like eating yummy food!  Alas, that is not the case.  Would solve some problems if it was. 

Why can’t anything that tastes so good be good for you?  Why am I stuck munching on freaking celery as a snack???  Why the hell can’t the cookies I bake be a healthy option?  Because it’s a sin.  Yes, cookies are sin incarnate.  Anything that makes you happy and feels good is sinful and bad for you.  Christmas cookies are sin incarnate – leading you into temptation and indulging in one of the 7 deadly sins, GLUTTONY!!!  Think about it folks!  Life isn’t fair.  If life was fair, ice cream would be diet food. 

I don’t know if I’m going to resist GLUTTONY well.  I rather like sinning sometimes!  Most of the time in all honesty.  I'm a bad seed.  I may have to give in to my dark side if I’m going to enjoy this holiday season at all…JS

The fat/diet/cookie/sin thing makes me bitter.  Bah Humbug!