The end is near: Wednesday

I'm squirming.  I'm stressed.  I'm also tired because Bruiser was fussy last night.  I overslept and got to work late.  I'm yawning.  I'm depressed. 

Tonight I'm taking the night off from this.  I'm going to try anyway.  I will notify the rest of the people tomorrow via email and phone call.  Tonight I will rake leaves and decorate for Halloween.  I'll give Bruiser a bath because his butt looks a bit messy.  He'll feel better getting freshened up.  Will probably bound around the house a bit!  I will watch Survivor and American Horror Story.  Maybe I will order a pizza so no one has to cook?  Good thought.  Going to make tonight as normal as possible.

I paid for the euthanasia last night after work.  Tried to be cool and failed miserably again.  The girl cleaning the windows was staring at me as I drove away.  I don't feel very tough lately.  I'm tired and my emotions are spilling all over the place.   

Glad I had errands to run after.  I got a new iphone so that distracted me for quite a while last night. 

I feel trapped.  If I decide to run from this he will have a hard winter, being cold and crying at night.  We won't get any sleep in the house and Lacey will be cleaning up poop and pee off my new floors and trying to manage him on top of dealing with my granddaughter.  He will continue to decline.  Doing it now saves this from going into a downhill spiral, which it will.  I've lived with his dementia long enough to know that and finally accept it.  It's not going to get any better from here on out.  But it makes me feel trapped to know this.  That's why I'm squirming.  I'm still looking for an escape route and there isn't one.  I will have to say good-bye to him.  Sooner or later I will.  Sooner is better when I consider the ramifications of later for him and for his family. 

I'm adding to this as I go thru the day.  Right now I'm in panic mode...heart racing and fighting tears.  Had a dismal month of billing at work, which is depressing on a lot of levels.  There's a lot of pressure at work to get $ in the door.  And then a friend posted that her dog had just died in her arms and how much she misses her.  It made me feel sick inside cause I'm next. 

I have wanted to avoid that pain of this.  I still do.  I talk about embracing it but it's hard to keep my grip on that.  I know I will have to let him go.  He is an old dog.  He can't live forever.  Logically I know I'm going the right thing.  I know this is a peak, so to speak, and it's a downhill slide from here that won't be fun for any of us, including my pup.  But I don't want to say good-bye.  It hurts.  This visceral reaction is really hard to manage in some moments. 

Writing about it is helping some.  It helps me sort my thoughts out and get logic in the forefront, ahead of emotion.  That is a job right now. 

I'm not advertising my blog thru this.  It's too depressing and painful and I feel like that would be sensationalizing the situation for attention.  I'm not doing this for attention.  I'm doing this to try to keep my head on straight.  If someone ever finds this who's been thru it or is going thru it, at least they will know someone else went thru it too.  Not sure that's a comfort.  Seeing Minerva grieving her pup isn't helping me with mine.  It just adds to the panic reaction.  But anyway, like I said, this is helping me get my shit together.  Over and over during the day.  Because I get a grip and then I lose it.  I suspect this will get worse and be practically unlivable by Friday.  I gotta try to keep it together.  I gotta.