2012 Resolutions

I have two resolutions for this coming year.

#1 Lose some weight before my 30th class reunion coming up in July.

I have my work cut out for me with this. I think I may even embarrass myself by posting my weekly weight-ins here and writing about what I'm doing to accomplish this goal. I doubt it will be inspiring but hopefully it'll be successful!

I lost a bunch of weight a while ago but have managed to gain most of it back. I'd hoped to manage it better than I have but now I have work to do again. I love to bake and I love to eat!! Not a great combination for someone who gains weight just by thinking about it! Healthy food can be really tasty but it just isn't the same.

Losing weight is such a mind game for me. When I did it the last time it was because I wanted to get laid. Yes, I said that! I was going to put myself back into the dating pool again. Was hoping for love but sex was something I wanted even more than that. I'm in my prime and the lack of good, groaning, sweaty sex was driving me bat shit! Bad age to be single! I figured I'd better improve my looks if I wanted some attention and it worked even better than planned!

I had more attention than I knew what to do with! And I remembered why I hate dating. REALLY HATE DATING!! It gets hard to take after a while. I had to take regular breaks from it to keep from wanting to...I don't know. I wish I would have blogged about those adventures! I was keeping a journal back then but it's on the risque side to post here.

I don't date anymore. Whew! I have met a man I am crazy about! I met him on facebook of all places! An ex-classmate that I never hung out with back in the day. I bet we never said 2 words to each other when we were kids. We had nothing in common then and wouldn't have known what to do with each other anyway. Well I know what to do with him now!

Back to the mind game point I started making...when I lost weight last time it was to get laid. This was a HUGE motivator for me! Now, the motivator is to try to avoid having my old classmates say "she really let herself go". Sadly that's not a great motivator for me. I've made a habit of not caring a whole lot about what others think about me, unless it impedes me getting something I want. What do I want from my classmates? Well, if I don't succeed at this weight loss plan I want them to keep their "she really let herself go" comments amongst themselves...I do not want to hear it! They can say it (they will even without my permission) but shush please when it comes to me! If I do succeed then I don't want anything but the pleasure of seeing them all again!

BF says he doesn't care about my weight and encourages me to eat. He gets disappointed if I eat boring food. He is no help with weight loss. So somehow I have to convince myself that losing weight is necessary for something I want (see the problem?) and this has to stick for months to come for me to have success.

I'm thinking that shame might work. If I record my efforts here, in public, it could help me stick to my plan. Worth a shot!

#2 Become a renter instead of a homeowner.

This one can potentially take a lot of work and money. I live in a mobile home and have heard rumors that the park office is trying to get rid of older homes like mine, unless they are upgraded. But I have a game plan.

This spring I will talk to the park office and get the scoop on what the real story is. Find out if I need to side the house and put new windows on it before it'll be allowed to stay in the park.

Next step is to talk to a realtor. If the park demands that improvements be made then I need to find out from the realtor what my options are. If I make the improvements, can I sell the home for enough to get my money back so can pay off the loans? Or should I leave it as is, have it hauled off the lot and let someone buy it cheap and fix it up the way they want it? There are a lot of possibilities to be considered.

One way or another I intend to get my house sold. It's a step in my master plan!

I gave away about half a houseful of furniture the beginning of December! I'm thinning out my life/stuff. It feels better than I thought it would! I have my bedroom and my kitchen intact (well some stuff has been given away from the kitchen) and my recliner and TV/stand in the living room. Not much else. I want to get my belongings down to a single truck load so I still have some work to do. It is almost like being dead and parceling out your belongings to loved ones. This is my preview of what I'll miss out on when I'm actually dead!

I figure these 2 subjects will give me enough to write about in the coming year.

PMS & friends

Had a decent day at work. Was busy. I prefer that. I was also productive. My girlfriend and I email regularly during work days to chat about our lives. Today we were both suffering from hormone overload and decided we needed to get together tonight. I haven't seen her for a long time so YAY!

Ran home after work to let the dog out and change into some jeans. Was dreading the jeans part because I'm so fat lately between water retention and just plain being too fat again. (Weight Watchers, here I come again!) Anyway, I get to my front door and find a nasty gram there from the park office. I, my friends, am trailer trash. Anyway, the park office is threatening retribution if I don't get my leaves raked by Thurs. 9 AM! Bastards!! I hate those people sometimes! Then things got even better...

I walked in, feeling like a snarling animal (hormones and this place annoys the shit out of me on a good day) and notice an odor in the air. My darling shi-tzu, Bruiser, had the hershey squirts all over the floor while I was at work and decided to walk around in it too for good measure! Lovely! I tip toe over that disgusting mess and pick up my disgusting puppy to take him outside. Then I begin the cleaning process. Gag!

It was partially dried and crusty and took some elbow grease to get off the floor. I need to wash a rug also. Debating if I should just throw it and start over honestly. Then I grabbed my gross puppy and threw him in a bath. He doesn't like baths but I don't like crap coated dogs either and guess what? I won!

Squeezed myself into too tight jeans (they all are too tight right now...by next week they'll be better...after the bloat and all the retained water decides to clear out). Hit the road to the mall. Friend calls to find out where to meet and I launch into my bitch session...why wait to be in person? She tells me she is so thrilled to be meeting with me tonight (sarcasm is dripping).

After a few hours of eating, drinking, shopping and bitching I feel much better! Plus I'm in my sweats. Oh forgot to wrap up the leaf issue...called my son and told him he could take some $ off his insurance payment if he came over and cleared the leaves. Yes of course he says! He's a good boy :)

I would have been in a spot if not for him. Tomorrow is supposed to thunderstorm. Tonight I had plans and those are rare lately with this pal of mine...our schedules do not match well for getting together. So without his help I would have had to cancel tonight to rake leaves.

Canned chicken & my period

G: Chris Isaak is in town again 8/4 at the O’Shaughnessy in St Paul. Interested?

X: That would be fun…and not so far to walk…and nowhere NEAR Lake St. LOL (of course, technically, neither is Mystic)

It might be safe!

What’s the $$??

G: Not sure yet. Ticket sales open tomorrow but they were giving advance option to American Express card carriers. I don’t have one of those. I pretended I did and the seats down near the front were $55. Would be nice to sit down there and see them close up but not sure about that price. And it might not be as good for people (like me) who don’t have the RIGHT credit card! Anyway I’m pondering it. Still a good show from the back but it would be very cool to sit down front! Tomorrow I’ll hop in and see how much they are going for and let you know. If I decide I want to sit down front I could help cover some of your ticket. I’m checking to see if 'daughter' might want to go too and I might hit 'sister' up to see if she’s interested.

X: Whoo-hoo! Sounds like a party!!!

How is your day going?

Once again I am short of sleep! I sat with 'daughter' to get homework done. While I did that I sipped on tea. The tea kept me wide awake while 'hubby' did some stuff on his computer until 1:30 or so. Then the tea kept me awake some more! 'Hubby' woke me up before he left today. He forgot that I needed the van. He couldn’t take the car cuz it’s full of stuff I need for Sat. I drove him to the airport at 7…yes, 7 am! I wasn’t in my jammies but I’m very glad I only had to actually drive back home and not TO the airport. I was not awake!

Tonight there is a band concert and somehow 'Daughter' and I need to work through 5 wks of science homework to turn in tomorrow. I may teach her the value of an all-nighter! Ick. And the bummer is to keep her interested I’m making it fun so my luck she’ll keep doing this s***! She is such a glutton for attention and she’s right. If she got good grades she’d have less time with me one on one.

'Son' was mopey last night because all of my attention was on 'Daughter' and all of 'hubby’s' was on his chicken —yes, he was home for 17 hrs and decided to buy 7 lbs of frozen chicken and can it!! —and his computer for work. So 'son' played outside, by himself, played on the wii, by himself, played in his room, by himself. I think I will talk with 'daughter' and see if we can’t have a “'Son' Rules” night on Friday. Fair is fair!! Actually, he doesn’t know it and I just remembered it, his friend is sleeping over on Friday night. YAY! I’ll put him on the phone with his friend tonight and they can make plans. I will be at his command!!

We meet on Monday morning with 'daughter’s' teachers. I may request that they keep a refrigerator box for her to sit in. Then they could cut one side out for her to view the teacher ONLY and block out the other distractions. I’m actually thinking of asking the Dr about the ADD drugs to see if that would help her keep focused. Of course, it may just make her REALLY focused on her social interactions. Wouldn’t that serve me right?!

Whew! Now I need to get back to printing my checks. 'Hubby' is gone until sometime on Sat. He left me with Mt. Laundry again in the living room. Wonder when I’m supposed to find time to work through that?!?!? He did clean up his canning stuff. I just hope it tastes good! Otherwise we’ll be moving gallons of icky canned chicken with us in 15 yrs!!!

G: My God! You should totally write a blog of your life! You are damned funny! I know you kinda don’t mean to be but you are. Just what you need…something else to do, right?

No party for Chris Isaak at this point. Nobody but me seems to know who he is! Sheesh! I think they are missing out on some very good music, but that’s apparently just my opinion! At least we had enough fun last year that you want to go this year!

Today is pretty slow. My period is acting like a crazy axe murderer so I may go home and die of blood loss early this afternoon. Being a girl is so fucking much fun some days!

Canned chicken sounds gross. I don’t think I’ve ever had any of that stuff. If it tastes bad THROW IT OUT!!!! Do not drag it with you on your next move! With 'hubby' gone all the time just throw out a can or 2 every time he leaves town so he thinks you’re eating it.

X: I’d add writing a blog to the end of my list but someone is using it as a life rope down in Tennesee!

I’m a little nervous about the chicken but it’s relaxing for him to can. AND 1) It takes up less space than a cedar strip kayak. 2) MUCH less expensive than a cedar strip kayak. 3) I can feed it to the dog if it’s icky and she will love me forever. and it doesn’t make annoying beeps and whistles like his favorite video game. AND—lastly—it may actually be good.

I hope you won’t die of blood loss. They actually told me at the red cross that we don’t lose that much blood from our period. It was a nice gramma lady telling me that so I had to keep a straight face. Maybe that’s what happens for nice girls and I’m just BAD, BAD, BAD. Hmmm…together again, aren’t we?!?!

Even if the chicken doesn’t taste good it does look interesting in the jar. Quite the conversation starter probably. Wish I could stick a rubber chicken head in one of them and see how long it takes him to notice it. Or a couple of feathers stuck in the lid may work, too.

ROFLMAO!!

X: Don’t fall off of your chair—or cry—that will just bring people to your office to bug you.

G: If I move too much I just have to run to the bathroom so I won’t be falling off my chair

X: And that may hasten your death from non-existent blood loss.

G: Non-existent blood loss huh? I could make a pretty horrific crime scene outta what’s going on right now…splatter EVERYWHERE! The detectives would be sure someone died!

X: TMI!

G: Hahahahahaha! Oops! Quit making me laugh! Gotta run to the bathroom again!

G: I want you to get rubber chicken parts and put them in the jars! OMG that would be toooooo funny! I would want to see 'hubby’s' face over that one! Tho it might drive him towards that dreaded cedar strip kayak!

for your amusement

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.


The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time!


She replied, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

Personal story...I sent this to my boyfriend and told him "I will NEVER tell you that you have the biggest penis of all your friends!"

I'm an agnostic christian...

I'm an agnostic. For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I think religious people could be right, they could be wrong. I'm personally no longer interested in getting all wrought up about it either way. As far as I know my life is here and that is what I shall focus on, rather than some mystical heaven or hell that may or may not be there. If there is life after death I vote for reincarnation! I'd rather come back, thank you! This is an awesome planet so I want more!

I was raised a Lutheran. Good solid people! Nice way to grow up too. I enjoyed the community feel that comes along with the church. The common ground. The ritual and traditions. They are all very comforting. As is the message. There are times, now that I've evolved to this point, where I miss that. But I feel like a fraud when I try to go back. It's no longer where I belong.

I grew up experiencing the world with wonder and questioning everything. For the longest time the Lutheran church suited me. God suited me. But certain things niggled at me even back then. I had to shut them down - stuff them. You lose a lot when you walk away from the church. You no longer fit with the majority. When everyone is offering prayers in a crisis, you don't because it'd be a lie. It feels awkward to be different. There isn't a quick, pat response like "we have you in our prayers" to say. There was a lot at stake to keep me shoving those questions down so I wouldn't have to face my personal truth. I shoved them down for a long time!

As an adult I struggled with various issues in the church. I studied the bible. I went to bible class and generally enjoyed debating points. But I was told "we don't believe that" so many times as a means to stop me from sharing my viewpoints that I started to really have problems with it. I guess the point I'm making is that in order to be truly faithful you have to NOT think very hard. In fact, it's recommended to shut that old brain down if you want to feel really safe in your religion. That was my experience anyway. Suspend logic and don't question. I don't work that way. I can't. It goes against my basic nature.

When I look at history I see that human kind has often, if not always, had gods in their lives. The reason for this, in my opinion, is that it gave them an illusion of control in a chaotic world. "If I do this and this, the gods will be pleased and the storms will pass or the hunters will get game, we'll win this battle, etc." It gave them a focus to unite under and a set of rules for everyone to live by in order to keep those gods happy. It also generated creativity...artwork...to please the gods. God/gods gave them many, many positive things. These gods also made for GREAT stories! We're still telling stories of the old gods now because it is entertaining stuff! To imagine all that power in a being that is so much like us? WOW!

There is a dark side to this. The power and control it gives to those wise and wicked enough to wield it. The corruption that permeates any human organization. There is always some segment using it for their own ends and causing havoc and destruction along the way.

Aside from these pros and cons, does it mean ANY god exists? I personally think it is as basic as people trying to find comfort and security out of chaos. I think the odds of an all powerful, omniscient God really existing are pretty slim. I think he exists, in a way, because people need him to. But not really. He is a common imagined entity, created by history and repetition and early indoctrination, with santions for those who don't cooperate.

Having grown up with God in my life it's hard to think he's not there. He maybe is. Maybe not. Logically I'm inclined to think he's not. Humanly and out of habit, I still treat him like an imaginary friend and occassionally have talks with him. I know that logic tells me he's been cooked up as part of the human condition, but that would feel like losing an old friend so I still hang on a bit. Even agnostics need the illusion of comfort sometimes! But to actually go into a church and pledge the whole gammut would be pushing it HARD for me. It's a strange thing to go to church now. I know the words. I know the rituals. I no longer find comfort in them...instead I feel like a fraud. It is not a comfortable place for me any longer. Hasn't been for years.

Another point I feel compelled to make is that I do believe there is the possibility of life after death. Once again, I don't know. It doesn't have to be heaven or hell, but if the church is right maybe... Maybe it is reincarnation. Maybe it's a new planet or a new plane of existence? Maybe it's nothing. Maybe we just end. Regardless, it's going to happen to all of us and there is no avoiding it. I choose to deal with what I know. I know I'm walking this planet and I don't know for how long. THIS is my life! It's the only one I'm sure I'm getting so I plan to savor and enjoy it as much as possible! I'm not going to worry about what comes next because nobody knows. it's like packing for a trip when we have no idea what we need. We won't know until we get there. I'm going to enjoy this moment and the next and I'm going to keep doing that as long as I have breath in my body.

The reason I say I'm a christian is because, in my way, I am! I grew up hearing about Jesus. I do believe he probably walked this world. I think he had a great message about how to treat others. It's a good way to live! Take care of others and serve. Try to be a good person. I follow his teachings even if I don't buy into him being the son of god and dying for our sins. I don't believe in the resurrection but I do believe he had a LOT of things right about how people can be happiest. If you are good to people and they follow and are good to you, what a nice place this world can be! Try it! It makes you feel good to do something nice for someone else without expecting something in return. So I'm not a classic christian by any stretch but I think it fits.

Being an agnostic or an athiest doesn't have to mean that you are evil and running amok! Religious people shouldn't have to feel threatened by us. Most of us are a lot like them. We go to work, raise our families and vote. Some think they need to save us. Terribly annoying! Please don't! At least not with me. I've been part of it. Now I'm not. Both are ok but I know where I fit.

There is good and evil in this world. It exists in all of us to varying degrees. We do have free will to choose how to live. Religious or not doesn't change that.

So, at this point in my spiritual evolution I call myself an agnostic christian. I like it!