Things I suck at and the cayenne pepper cupcake mishap

Was just watching a Jenna Marbles vlog on You Tube and she was talking about things she sucks at and she inspired me!  Cause I suck at things too!

Bruiser wants me to chase him...what great timing!  Well I'll take a minute and do that...doesn't take much to wear him out!  Wait...while I typed this he forgot about chase and just laid down.  I love this old dog!

Started this entry this AM, was distracted by Bruiser, went cupcake shopping but now I'm back on point now...

I sometimes suck at staying focused.

I suck at dressing myself.

It's a problem.  Here are some samples.  One day, after I got to work I looked down and realized I was wearing 2 different shoes.  For real!!  I stayed at my desk A LOT that day!

I can't tell you how many times I get to work, have to use the restroom, look in the mirror and realize I have a stain on the front of my shirt or that I can see my black panties thru my light colored slacks.  Or that I realize how badly the color scheme I'm wearing clashes.

I am capable of dressing nicely, I just tend not to focus on it when I'm trying to get out the door in the AM and sometimes it ends up being embarrassing!  I've often thought I'd be a great candidate for that TV show "What Not to Wear".

I suck at dieting.

I promised myself I'd stop with the fat comments recently because I'm beginning to bore myself with them.  I figure if I don't like it I need to do something about it and stop running on about it.  BUT I do suck at dieting.  As soon as I think of dieting I want cake.  Or something decadent and fattening.  And I seem to be able to make myself behave for 2-3 days usually and then reward myself with something fattening and decadent.  And that's all I'm going to say about this.

AND WHY DOES BRUISER START WHINING AT ME EVERY DAMNED TIME I SIT DOWN TO BLOG???  I mean he was just napping.  I was watching You Tube and he was ignoring me.  Then I get busy typing and here he is...groaning and whining but does he want out?  No...who knows what the fuck he wants!!  Annoying.  JS

Ok, I just finished lunch and was all set to taste test my cayenne pepper cupcake from Nadia Cupcakes but thought I should take it into the kitchen for some better light so I could take a picture of it and post it here and make you all jealous.  Then I dropped it on the rug.  Yup.  Frosting side down, on the rug.

pitiful isn't it?

Dammit!

Anyway, back to things I suck at.

AFTER I get some honey mead because I deserve it because I dropped my cupcake on the rug.  I did taste a bit of the cake before I tossed it...not as good as the Mexican Hot Chocolate cupcake from Cupcake, but it did give some heat.  (If I was at the Renaissance Festival no one would think anything bad about me having honey mead right after lunch.  Think about that before you judge.)

Now, things I suck at...drinking honey mead apparently because I just breathed it down my wind pipe and am hacking up a lung.  This is a rough little patch here!

I suck at jogging.

The other day I felt inspired to jog again.  Then I got up to walk to the lady's room and my left knee was hurting and my right ankle didn't want to bend like it should and my back was aching.  So I started thinking that maybe instead I should go get some jogging clothes and then I could jog tomorrow because it was sort of warm to bundle up for jogging...like almost 40.  Still haven't gotten my jogging clothes.  Also my version of jogging is more of a zombie shuffle while my face turns red as a beet and I pant like I'm dying.  You can read about my last foray below.  Maybe I should get a bike?

http://gorvik.blogspot.com/2013_03_30_archive.html

Is that enough for you people?  Ok, here's some more!  

Sometimes I suck at baking.  BAD!  Hard to believe this, I know, but it's true!  

When I was a kid I tried to bake my grandma's red velvet cake.  Twice.  Because the first time it didn't rise and weighed a ton.  The second attempt didn't work any better.  So I tried to make the best of it and put them all together and frosted them and they looked really nice.  Until my Mom lifted the plate and was shocked at the impressive weight of the thing!  It didn't taste right either!  In fact it tasted really weird!  I have not attempted that recipe since.  It scares me.

And that other time where I offered to help a co-worker out by baking a pumpkin pie for him to take to a family/friend gathering for Thanksgiving.  And didn't realize that I hadn't added spices until we tried my pie at our family Turkey Day festivities.  Let's just say it was rather awful!  As in inedible.  I not only did I have to face my family with this awful pie I had to face my co-worker the following Monday when he wanted to know why I secretly hated him since I would send him to a gathering with an inedible pumpkin pie like that!  

Oh I just remembered Lacey's graduation cake!!  That was was an awesome blunder!  I baked her a lemon poke cake and poured lemon pudding all over it to soak into the holes.  Then I frosted it with a pretty yellow frosting and decorated it with lettering and a graduation cap all done in black icing.  Done freehand by yours truly!  Wrapped it up to take to the celebration.  Set up the taco bar, decorated, etc.  Then uncovered the cake.  The frosting had melted!  Because of the pudding layer, all the frosting was in a pool of yellow and black smeared frosting around the base of the cake!  It looked hideous!  We hid it back in the kitchen and a few of us ate it anyway and it was delicious.  It wasn't fit for human eyes but luckily the flavor redeemed it and we have a good memory out of the fiasco!

I suck at dog grooming.

My dog is partly to blame for this one.  When he was a pup I took him to several groomers and when I'd come to pick him up they'd tell me not to bring him back because he bites and they couldn't keep a muzzle on his apparently weird shaped jaws.  So I decided to learn to groom him myself.  I bought clippers and even got a video on how to do the job.  I watched intently.  It showed how you tie their leash up so that they stay put.  I was stoked to try this!  I tried it on Bruiser and he pretty much strangled himself.

They showed me a trick of how if you lift the back leg closest to you, you can buzz the hair on the inside of the far leg because they'd have to stand there since they only had one leg left to stand on.  Seemed pretty clever and I couldn't wait to try it!  

I lifted Bruiser's right leg.  He lifted his left leg leaving his rear end dangling by the leg I was holding in my hand.  There was no leg available for me to buzz.  

Not ONE of the tricks/techniques in that video worked because they weren't buzzing a Bruiser.  So now I get someone to hold him down and I buzz him down so short you can see the freckles on his skin.  He looks pretty stupid for a couple of weeks until it grows back in but that's what happens when you have an impossible pain in the ass for a dog and a poorly skilled dog groomer.

can you see his freckles?  

I think that's enough admissions for one day.  I hope you all feel better about yourselves.  I need to go do some laundry and be productive.  For a short while anyway.

I mostly plan to goof around with my brother and sister playing World of Warcraft in a while...that's the real truth.  I'm going to be a little productive but mostly this day is set aside to goof off with my siblings.  Who rock and who already know really well how bad I can suck at things!!  In fact, I'll probably suck at WoW with my mediocre boomkin but I love her and them and it'll be fun even so.  

Random thoughts on this boring day...

I don't have the patience to read long emails...especially if they don't have any humorous photos to look at.  I get bunches of emails every day and if they aren't work related, longer than 3 sentences, with no pictures, I tend to delete them.  I lack focus and patience.  I start reading them and my mind wanders over to my stapler and my paperclips and wondering what so and so is doing and I want a nutty bar and my pants feel tight and then I have to start over.  And mostly it's not worth it so I don't bother...I delete. 

I'm the same way with news articles.  If it doesn't grab me quickly, I'm on to the next distraction.  Books...another story.  I have forced myself thru a number of truly awful books because they were books and I kept hoping I'd get to the interesting part.  There have been a few that were too awful and I couldn't care enough to try.  But some of them...well let's just say they help bore me to sleep at night.  It's something! 

I'll insert some pictures to give you something interesting to look at if you choose to wade thru this latest blog installment.  I like pictures!

My back aches today.  Probably from FINISHING MY KITCHEN FLOORING PROJECT LAST NIGHT.  Yes, I finished it.  Except for 2 pieces of trim for doorways. 

I've noticed I have a number of strange compulsions when it comes to my floors.  When I was patching the cracked linoleum I found it hard to cut into the crappy flooring and remove the damaged part.  It created a weird sense of panic in me.  I apparently also find it weirdly difficult to drill into them.  Pierce the ugly linoleum?  Gasp!  I need to get past this hurdle.  I should do it tonight before I put away my miter box & drill. 

This is what it looked like after I cut out the cracked linoleum so I could patch it

Another one is rugs.  I've had such a shitty floor in that kitchen for pretty much the whole time I've lived there that I have had rugs in the kitchen for about 15 years to cover up the bad sections.  Yeah, it took me WAY too long to fix the flooring issues but I'll blame most of that the priority of spending money on raising my kids even tho they haven't lived at home with me for almost a couple years now.  So my newest compulsion is that I want to stand on a rug when I wash dishes.  I prefer it.  I have a beautiful new floor but didn't feel right last night until I put a rug down in front of the kitchen sink.  Now I don't mind standing there to do dishes.  Last night I walked all over on it with bare feet while I worked on finishing the trim, to make myself adjust.  Still ended up putting the rug down before I could feel at ease. 
 

This is what it looks like now...linoleum under patched and new flooring/trim!  And I put a rug over it so I can wash dishes, cause I'm a little bit weird.

Oh, and another thing...the other night, when I was almost done with the flooring I started obsessing about what would happen if the planks unlocked and came loose?  And what if I hadn't put enough gap on the ends and they all start buckling?  And will the oven melt the vinyl planks under it?  What if the oven wasn't level and my cakes all came out even more lopsided than they used to?  I fretted all night.  I told Ken.  Better to warn him about my "quirks" anyway...sooner rather than later.  He says my OCD issues are part of what makes me, me and he loves me.  At least he doesn't lie and tell me I'm totally normal.  That everybody does this crap!

I now know why my dog has OCD tendencies.  He gets it from me.  He's spent his entire life following me around, studying me, so he was bound to develop some issues.  The Dog Whisperer says they pick up on our energy.  My energy is apparently somewhat compulsive and neurotic.  And sometimes annoying based on his barking fest while I was soaking my sore back/muscles in a hot bath this morning.  Such a lovely serenade!  Not. 

Being a girl sucks.  Aunt Flo will be coming for a visit soon and I'm blowing up like a balloon right now.  My jeans are tight...even in the knees!  My bra feels tight.  My belly feels like it could pop. Muffin top!  (Rhymes - had to use spell check on that word...I struggle with that one) Luckily I'm not ravenous or fighting to control the wild beast that seems to be napping inside me at the moment.  It could be worse!  Like all of that could be going on at once...been there, done that...it wasn't pretty.  But I feel like a stuffed sausage.  Not good for self image at all!  Maybe I should think of myself as voluptuous?  I am.  In the busting out of your clothes kind of way.  Not in the hourglass way. 

And once AF finally arrives?  Potty breaks desperately needed every 5-10 minutes while off loading all the retained water.  Being a girls sucks.  Except at least we don't have dicks!  Can you imagine walking around packing the nards and stem in your pants ladies?  Where the hell does that all fit?  Does it chafe?  I should ask Ken that tonight if I remember.  I'll probably forget unless I write a note.  Too busying thinking and typing.

Oh, talking about that (bloating & swelling), I heard a talk on the radio about someone being all offended that some celebrity or something told a fat guy/gal oh....shit I don't remember.  But they said you're fat because you eat too much and are too lazy.  With some swear words.  And a bunch of fat people got offended.  "HOW DARE ANYONE SAY FAT PEOPLE EAT TOO MUCH AND DON'T EXERCISE ENOUGH!!"  Gasp.

I think they are a bunch of fucking idiots.  I'm fat.  At the moment anyway.  Probably for a long time because it's not like I can snap my fingers and get over it!  Anyway, I do this.  I LOVE to eat and I don't have great self-control and I'm rather lazy by nature so I get fat and then I have to fight to slim down.  It's more natural for me to be fat than slim.  And you know why?  Because I eat too much and I'm lazy!  You think this kitchen project is normal for me?  Holy crap NO!  That's why I have aching muscles from getting up and down off the floor.  Because I'm a marshmallow.  At least I own it!  I even have some shame over it but not enough to motivate my lazy butt out the door for regular exercise. 

BUT I don't expect the rest of the world to say it's a good thing/that it's great and I'm awesome because I'm fat because it isn't awesome to be fat.  Being fat doesn't feel good and it's not good for you. 

It's super easy to get that way (for me anyway) and super hard to undo it.  When I'm slim I think how I'll never let myself get fat again and then I get fat again.  Should people judge me because of it?  No.  I'm a great person, I'm smart, funny, spunky and I work hard when I work.  I play hard too when I get the chance.  I think I add value to the world.  Haters can piss off!  But I'm not going around being all offended because someone spoke the truth about me, even if it wasn't all that nice to say it out loud.  I agree!  I think most fat people are fat because they eat too much of the wrong things and they don't exercise enough.  I know there are always exceptions to the rule but I think this is true for most.  And when we diet, we don't want to give up the food we love or exercise more.  Takes effort and sacrifice and it's a long process so it's difficult to hang on to that motivation!  Like right now I want chocolate WAY more than the healthy apple I brought for my snack.  WAYYY more!!

I think people in this country really love to be offended.  And if they're offended they want laws enacted to make sure the offenders are punished, if they can pull it off, because they NEVER want to be offended again.  Sigh.  It makes me fucking tired. 

I'm really bored at work right now.  That's why I'm writing this.  Something to do to pass the time.  This is going to be a long week.  I'm in a lull this week and into early next week.  It will be torture!  If only I had vacation time to take!  Bleah! 

 

Oh, another random thought...I keep hearing how the Boston Marathon bombing has affected us all so much and I'm thinking "really?"  I mean, it's tragic and sickening but is it affecting my life at all really?  Nope.  I still pay my bills, go to work, get up , eat, sit down, drive around, feed the dog, etc.  Aside from being saddened I'm not affected.  Well maybe I was affected a bit the day after when the news media had had time to put a sound track to the tragedy and set up slow-mo pictures to help us understand how tragic it really is.  Because if it doesn't look like a movie we just might not understand that lives were lost and people were hurt and that people were all busy being heroic.  Our news media is so obnoxious.  I don't like that they put people's tragedies to music and spin it like a Lifetime movie of the week full of B/C listers.  Don't you get tired of the media treating us all like we're complete morons?  Pfft!

 

And another thing, since I'm doing an Andy Rooney impression here, don't you just love those "Stars who lost their looks" thingys?  Super obnoxious!  Gosh, even movie stars can't stay 20 years old forever!  Get the f over it!  This country is more obsessed with eternal youth than I am over my new kitchen floor! 

 

And now that I've devolved to Andy Rooney status I think this is a good time to stop.  Just stop.  Before I begin growing hair out of  my ears and my eyebrows begin to sprout faster than I can pluck them. 

 

 

 

When I googled Andy Rooney I got this in the picture group. 

 

She isn't Andy Rooney!  Sweet Dreams are made of these...



 

 

Facebook, the Serenity Prayer and a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

It's very weird that I lead with this since I'm agnostic but frankly, it's just a fantastic way to think about the world that it has affected my life profoundly over the years!  I usually leave the "God" part out since it works that way also but this is it's original form and the way I was introduced to it all those years ago.

The first part about accepting the things I cannot change has been very helpful.  It has helped me to stop and think about various situations I've been in and look at the parts I have power over and the parts that are out of my hands.  It can be an enlightening process!

Facebook has been a place I've had to put this into use many a time.  Facebook reminds me why I preferred the company of dogs to people when I was a kid.  People are a HUGE pain in the ass!!!  (Myself included)  HUGE!!!  Did I say HUGE???  Oh yeah, I did.

When I first started FB I was so excited to reconnect with friends and family I hadn't heard from in years!  All of a sudden I had regular contact with these people and it was wonderful!  And then it started getting annoying.  The endless misspellings, the religious and political comments, the stupid comments, food pictures and running minute by minute updates of some people's days and the many, many TMI moments, OMG!!!  As a whole, people are emotionally exhausting and all I was doing is sitting there reading comments!  

And then the dreaded thing happened...someone kicked me from their friends list.  OUCH!!!  I felt so hurt!  I wondered what I had done to offend them? What was it about me that was so off putting that they felt the need to delete me as a friend??? It felt like back in grade school when I'd be the only one in class who didn't get invited to the birthday party of the girl across the street and then when I got invited later only to find out it was because my Mom shamed her Mom into inviting me.  (Really happened - let's just say it wasn't the funnest b-day party I ever went to!)  I started wondering if I really wanted to bother with this FB thing!

So I pondered and here's what I came up with.  #1 main reason I'm on FB is to connect with my family and close friends.  For that reason I will stay on FB until something better comes along.  #2 it's MY FB and I will post what I want, when I want and will be willing to live with the consequences for doing so aka losing friends.  #3 if anyone who doesn't know me well wants to be friends, great!  That's gravy!  Bonus!  I like it!  If they don't like my humor, commentary, etc and decide to unfriend me, great, because clearly we weren't going to be good friends anyway if they couldn't handle me on FB.  

Here's the thing.  I cannot please everyone.  I'm not even vaguely interested in trying.  So this is where we get back to the serenity prayer thingy...pleasing everyone, especially those who barely know me, is not possible.  It is something I need to let go of.  

And here's the next thing...courage to change the things I can.  I'm going amend that slightly...if I choose to.  Recently I had what I thought was a joking discussion with a classmate.  The next morning I discovered I'd been unfriended by said classmate.  I reread the discussion and thought he was being rather sensitive, but debated making an apology.  I didn't intend to hurt his feelings after all but holy crap I just didn't think anything all that bad was said!  Still don't.  So I pondered.  I thought what if I do message him and apologize for hurting his feelings, then what?  I risk him wanting to be friends again?  On the one hand I'd like to leave it on a positive note because he seems like a good guy.  On the other hand, do I really want to potentially invite him in again when we couldn't even joke around on that fairly lightweight level?  I decided to let his decision stand and not say anything.  He is a sensitive person.  Obviously not thick skinned enough to spar with me tho he seemed determined to do so.  I chose not to change this ending.  He can call this one.  I'll abide by it.   I wish him well but we obviously aren't going to be besties so it's ok to let that go.  

That probably wasn't the best example since I decided NOT to change something I could have.  In each situation there are bits that you can change if you choose to do so.  This brings up another one of my little mottos that I live by "just because you can, doesn't mean you should".  It's good to think things through, think about potential results and what your goals are.  

Because of this serenity prayer I've learned the value of defining what I have power over and what I don't and acting or not acting accordingly.  The core thing I've learned from that process is that the only person you truly have control over (sort of) is yourself.  I say sort of because even your body can betray you sometimes.  Little things called cancer, heart disease, Parkinsons and stuff like that come to mind.  But really you only have control over yourself.  

This leads to the ability to change others tho how they'll change will once again be out of your control.  When you change your behavior they tend to be forced to change theirs.  For example, say you are in an abusive relationship.  Your partner is very controlling.  You don't like it so you begin to take steps by refusing to cooperate with his controlling ways.  In this situation the decision to change yourself is far from without risk!  Odds are good your partner will be willing to go to extreme measures to regain control and his sense of security.  So by changing yourself and your behavior, you have now caused a chain reaction that can go badly or better.  That was an extreme example but having gone thru it myself I'm familiar with the potential fallout from deciding to change even yourself.  There is a price to be paid for everything.  Small or large decisions.  I ended up divorced but better.  I think he is better now too.  It wasn't fun but in the end it worked out for my situation.  

I try not to enter into relationships with the thought of changing anyone anymore.  Even on FB.  I think people have the right to be accepted for who they are, just as they are.  If I can't accept them then we can't be friends.  If they can't accept me, same.  We shouldn't have to BE anything other than what we are, no matter how annoying we are.  That said, if you're really annoying you'd best be willing to pay the price for it aka loneliness.  If you're OK with that then it's all good!  Because you are exactly who you are, you should be aware that not everyone will embrace that.  I've personally felt the sting of rejection many, many times...many.  Many.  (tiny violin playing here)  People don't have to like you and you can't make them like you unless you lie your ass off about who you are and eventually they WILL figure out that you're a fraud.  (out of your hands - re-read prayer above).  It is a dance and only you can decide your dance moves.  The true gains and losses are out of your hands.  

I hope I'm making sense.  This has been formulating in my head for a bit so I figured it was time to jot it down.  

And here is a picture of Bill Murray!

Gratuitous Bill Murray shot!

I jogged! First time in many years...

I'm slamming my 2nd Diet Mountain Dew of the morning, cause I'm healthy like that!  I just got back from a morning jog.  I wanted to write about it quickly while it is still all fresh in my mind.  I did some jogging years ago and stopped because I have shitty knees and after a while I was limping everywhere and feeling like my thigh bones was going to slip off and slide down to into my shins.  Why am I trying this again?  I'm a glutton for punishment is all I can come up with!

It was raining this AM when I woke up so I pretty much talked myself out of jogging.  I did my puzzles, I caught up on my You Tube subscriptions, I checked twitter and had a heart palpitation for a second because Tom Barnard of the KQRS show has begun following me and I suddenly felt like I should tweet something!  Then I got over it because he probably follows tons of people and wouldn't notice if I never tweeted anything.  Pressure came back off.

I realized I didn't hear the pitter pat of rain on the roof anymore so decided I would do my jog.  I do have some reasons for trying jogging.  #1 I'm fat and want to get in better shape.  #2 I want to find better ways to deal with the stresses in my life than eating them, which is what I've been doing.  #3 I figured it'd give me some blogging material.

I put on some sweats that I figured wouldn't fall down as I ran, layered up, slapped on a baseball cap and drove off to Loch Ness Park in hopes that no one would be there so I could do this thing without an audience.  It's one thing to tell you all about it but another thing to have people thinking I'm on the verge of a stroke as I "jog" by because I'm wheezing and panting so hard!

I got out and it was still spitting rain.  I have been out in worse so pfft, here I go!

see?  spit!

Got there and was REALLY disappointed to see other cars!  DAMMIT!!  SHIT!  I had my excuse to turn around and go home but decided to stop being a pussy and do this thing!  So I started jogging.  I did a shuffle kind of jog because I recently saw a Nike commercial with a fat kid jogging like that and he'd lost a bunch of weight.  Like 30 some pounds!  I admired him and it also looked like something I could tolerate longer than a full out run.  At first it seemed to be going pretty well but it didn't take long before I was taking some ridiculously big breaths!  That's what I get for nurturing my marshmallow lifestyle so long!

My jiggly bits didn't bounce as badly as I'd thought they would, which was gratifying.  I kind of thought "things" might throw me off balance with the love handles bouncing one way and the boobs bouncing another and the thighs doing their own things!  Then I hit my first water barrier.  This is the crap that happens when you jog during a spring melt after a thunderstorm.

I developed a plan where I'd jog until I hit these water barriers and then take a breathing break while I walked around them.  I also admired some pretty red branches...

So I got back to jogging...which in reality is a fast shuffle with arms held up to look like a jog.  I only passed one guy and his dog on my jog and said "morning" and went on my way...he didn't ask if I was dying.  Whew!

So I jogged and jogged.  (Actually, this path is maybe a mile but for a marshmallow like me it seemed pretty endless)  I was starting to really look forward to those water barriers!  About 2/3rds of the way around the lake I started feeling like throwing up.  I also saw my first 2 robins, but scared them so didn't get a picture.  Robins, YAY!  So I waited a bit and got my urge to barf under control.  Then on I went.  At this point I was starting to feel stubborn with myself.  I wanted to walk but kept telling myself how I came here to JOG not go for a walk so fucking JOG already!!  So I jogged.

My jogging style was devolving.  I went past an office building and if anyone had looked out they might have thought a zombie was trying to jog because things were getting a little disjointed and it was getting to be more of a staggering shuffle than a jog.

I could see my car in the distance so decided to push myself to actually lift my feet and do this!  Jog, Jog I told myself!  Jog to the car!  Lift those feet up!  PUSH PUSH!!  And then I saw the dog guy coming around and knew I had to get to my car before he intercepted me and saw my beet red face and heard my wheezing and gasping!  The zombie jog was on full force at that point...made it!

I jumped into my car as fast as I could...didn't bother to take my purse out of my trunk...I just wanted to get out of there.  And then the stench hit me.  I had sweated!  GROSS!  This is part of the reason I'm not a fan of the gym because I hate being sweaty unless it's for some good sex.  And good sex sweat seems to smell good to me whereas exercise sweat, not so much!

I did it!  I jogged!  Not well, not fast, not far but I freaking jogged for about a mile!!!  And now I get to shower this icky sweat off!!  I might even jog again...this didn't go as badly as I thought it would.

Me, post jog, unwashed, sweaty, no make-up, beet red face and feeling all proud of myself!

On the drive home my calves started twitching, my ears were aching from the cold, my lungs feel like they worked.  Walking up the stairs to my house I started wondering if I was in for a cramp fest?  But everything has settled down while I wrote this entry.  It's all good!  I survived!  

It's been a bitch of a day today

Today has been a bitch.  

Let me recap this past year quickly that leads up to this culmination.  Last April my company fired my boss.  I liked working for Charles.  He valued my experience and wanted me to participate in decision making.  He ran afoul of the powers that be tho and they cut him loose.  I may have blogged about this at the time but it was painful for me.  I was pretty hurt by a number of things that happened at that time.  I don't want to rehash that.  

Well I was told that a replacement was coming in to be my new boss.  She was an expert in our accounting software, unlike Charles.  I was excited to learn from her tho I also felt I'd suddenly become obsolete, since I was the go-to person up until that point, if you needed help with the software.  So while I was sad about Charles I was excited about this new person coming on to show us a new way.

It didn't pan out like I'd hoped.  Toni (new boss) did not care for me.  I must admit the feeling was mutual.  She and I would NEVER be friends in the "real" world.  That aside, I tried to be professional about it.  She felt she needed to stomp on my neck to remind me who was boss.  I knew who was boss but apparently she didn't think I knew it well enough.  

I've spent the past year with a churning stomach, forcing myself to go to work each day because I need the paycheck and I do like my other co-workers.  As her abuse went on, I withdrew.  I wondered what I had done?  I thought I had done a great job for the company but this?  Maybe this was their way of pushing me out the door?  I felt the axe hovering.  My stomach churned, my hands shook when I was responding to her all caps emails that implied she thought I was stupid.  Over and over again.  I hoped I could keep my job long enough!

I figured everyone else must love Toni and it was just me so for a long time I suffered in silence.  I would try to be upbeat and positive dealing with her, knowing that I can't change others but I can change myself.  I tried!  She seemed to take my attempts to be friendly or human as invites to attack.  I found that I didn't communicate with her any longer unless she initiated it because I couldn't bring myself to invite abuse.  My hands would literally shake when I had to deal with her because I couldn't seem to manage my fight or flight response anymore.  I began to worry if the stress level was going to have a negative impact on my health.

One day, after a particularly miserable week, I emailed my co-worker and dared to say I wished she was my boss instead of Toni.  She used to be on a par with me when Charles was around but was promoted upon his exit.  I missed her!  She was busy with her new role and we hadn't spoken much since the changes came into play.  I felt very isolated.  

I discovered, once we started talking, that Toni was NOT loved amongst our co-workers.  In a way it helped.  She was hateful and bullied most anyone.  It wasn't just me!  It still sucked tho.

Then she fired my idiot compatriot in TX.  I mean, she was a nice woman but not the brightest bulb and I'd found her to be inept for years but Charles had been protecting her.  Toni didn't.  Toni took care of business.  And Toni hired a friend of hers to replace this woman.  yay.  Now I'd slipped a bit further down the totem pole.  I knew I was at the bottom of the pile in this pecking order.

Some backstory...I was hired to manage billing staff.  Before the recession I was a manager and had people working for me.  I managed work flow and trained staff.  Charles treated me with respect because he'd hired me to take care of the billing dept in the MN office.  He trusted me to make decisions without him having to be involved unless I was unsure of something.  When Toni came on she was clear with me that she didn't care about my background.  I was now a billing clerk instead of a billing manager.  I was now excluded from meetings and not part of the decision making process.  I was not management staff anymore.  I was rarely  awarded an explanation for what I was told to do.  If I dared to ask why she would say to DO IT and no explanation would be offered.  I was obsolete now and my status severely reduced.  It stung. 

I'd realized pretty quickly that Toni and I weren't going to be a good match.  This spurred me on to work on getting my house ready to go on the market.  If I can just get my house sold I can move wherever I want and start fresh!  This is a good thing that came out of this other painful stuff.  I'd realized I wasn't interested in being part of this new "team" at CMA.  I wanted out!

I carefully mentioned my concerns about my job security with all the changes to the MN director, hoping for some reassurance...asking him if there was more I could do to help staff because I wanted to keep my job.  Instead of the usual response "your job is secure" I got "We hope you keep your job here too".  I felt a loss of support and felt on my own.  This was part of what led me to my withdrawl.  I'm not a super social person in the first place so I bet mostly no one noticed it but I spent my days working and hoping Toni would leave me in peace to avoid stress.  My best days were when Toni didn't contact me for anything.  

When she came to town she ignored me.  The owner once wanted me to meet some legal staff and there was Toni, giving me the hairy eyeball because she didn't think I needed to be meeting anyone...I was a billing specialist...I didn't matter.  She honestly acted offended that he bothered!  She didn't think I should be introduced to anyone.  It was incredibly uncomfortable!  I got the point.  

So this past year has been all about getting my house ready for market so I can give notice, make some changes and get on with my life!  

There are a lot of complex emotions that go into making big life changes like selling a house, leaving friends/family to start fresh someplace new.  It's been a complex year for me emotionally!

Well there has been some strange culminations cropping up on me the past couple weeks.  On a recent day, the entire office was informed that we were ALL receiving pay cuts.  Again.  This happened last time around this time of year also.  We were told that later we'd find out how much our pay cuts would be.  Joy.  The past few years I've had no raises.  Just pay cuts and restorations.  I figured here we go again.  Same old, same old.  I was bummed but it has become something I'm used to.

Then there was an email from Toni saying she wanted me to pack up some of my projects and send them down the new billing gal in TX.  She'd be taking over because she didn't have enough to do.  I don't either, to be honest, but I sure as fuck wouldn't tell Toni that - it'd be an open invitation to be fired!  I need this job for now!  So I had some weird feelings about this.  Part of me was dreading having less work to do and another part of me was thinking it was time to hand some of this off since I'm planning on leaving as soon as I can anyway.  Why hang on?  In fact, I had the urge to offer to let her take more but worried I'd be tipping my hand so I resisted.  Toni seemed surprised that I took it like a good sport.  Maybe I should have resisted a bit?  I don't care enough any more.  Fuck it.

The next day, my pal (the one who got promoted) told me that changes were in the works as far as Toni's status.  She told me to act dumb if the director mentioned it.  I did when he did.  But what he said indirectly confirmed what she'd said.  One of the other things she said was she'd told the owners that I was job hunting.  Apparently this upset them.  Flattering but hey, I'm not job hunting.  I have looked a bit but since the recession, pay options SUCK and it'd be hard to replace this job at this pay rate.  At least I got my last raise BEFORE the recession.  The recession has fucked everyone pretty well.  Even if you can get a job, good luck with getting what you used to make!  It's an employer's market.  They have the power right now.  Too many desperate folks still needing work.  No body is going to get paid worth a shit until this economy picks up.  So no, I have not been looking.  I've just come to work every day and hoped to be left alone to work in peace.  I have given up on any aspirations of being anything beyond a billing clerk at this company. Toni wouldn't have it any other way!  At least I'm a well paid billing clerk since they didn't reduce my pay to match my apparent, but not formalized, reduced status in the company.  

So the past couple of days I've had upper management stopping by to tell me how much they value me and how they want me to stay and hope I'll hang in there with them because things will get better soon.  The owner stopped by this AM to give the same message and even seemed choked up about it!  I have been feeling incredibly guilty because I still plan to head my merry way.  I've had enough.  I have a bright new future waiting for me in another state.  No pay cuts and no shitty, nasty bosses that make me miserable.  I do like everyone except for Toni so I was feeling incredibly bad about my plans.  Guilty!  Thinking how they will hate me when the time comes but how, in order to protect myself, I can't admit to my plans.  What if the house doesn't sell this summer and I have to stay longer than I'm hoping?  I can't tip my hat yet.  

And then the icing hit.  I asked the director what my actual pay cut would be since he'd said he'd talk to all of us and here is was, Thursday and it had been almost a whole week with no word!  He came in apologizing and showed me the cut.  It's over double what it's ever been before.  It knocks about $250 out of my monthly income. OUCH!  THIS HURTS!!  

I revamped my budget quickly to see the impact.  I could survive ok.  Whew.  But it would slow down reducing my debt big time.  I put a good face on and got thru the rest of my day.  The way home was another story.

I'm driving along and thinking about all of this.  Thinking about this past year of churning guts and shaking hands.  Of feeling obsolete and unsupported.  Of having a woman relish implying I'm stupid if I dare to ask her how she wants anything done.  Of stopping talking to people at work unless necessary.  Feeling betrayed and unwanted because of my association with Charles.  Then, more recently, all the heartfelt "we need you, we want you, hang in there with us" and then the finale, the twice the normal fucking pay cut.  Being forced to being an investor with no hope of return.  That is my reward for this past year of misery.  Thanks.  

I finally cried.  I've cried a lot today.  Seems like once you start it gains momentum.  Then you think you're done and there you go again!  I need this to stop by tomorrow because I have to go to work again and pretend everything is ok.  I need to stuff down my toxic feelings again and get thru another day.  And another and another until certain things come to pass and I can finally plan my exit.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I'm hoping it will be less painful than this past year has been.  I had it good for a while with this company.  I'm grateful for that.  I'm grateful I have a job and a regular paycheck!  I'm paying for it in more ways than my time and effort.  

I'm blogging this because I'm hoping to exercise some demons, so to speak.  There can be no crying at work tomorrow.  This has to go somewhere so instead of stuffing it and letting it give me stomach troubles I'm trying to spew it out.  I need to stay for now.  And luckily I like most of the people I work with.  And since I started talking to people I don't feel so betrayed and I know most are happy I'm there with them.  But this relationship is broken.  I'm tired of feeling like this.  I can do it for however long is necessary tho to achieve my goals.  

I was seeking inspiration & sadly I found it...thoughts on love/relationships

I've been pondering what to write about next since I do enjoy writing but have lacked inspiration of late.  This morning I realized I received "inspiration" recently in the form of a sad friend whose relationship had taken a bad turn. 

I understood what my friend was feeling.  I've had relationships end and did time walking around like a zombie for quite a while, crying at random moments.  I felt either numbness or deep sadness.  Those were not good times for me. 

I tried to get back into the dating pool too soon and had to step back...for a couple years!  I'd been looking for a replacement.  Someone to fill that empty space in me.  I decided needed to get my shit together first.  I needed to make myself whole again.  I needed to be OK all by myself before I was ready to let someone else in.  They needed to be the icing instead of the cake.  Nice to have, but not necessary for me to be happy.

I got there and put myself back out there.  Let me just say I hate dating and dating sites!  But if you want to have a chance you gotta put yourself out there and try. 

I joined a volunteer group that was all women.  Didn't help with the dating plan but I made some friends and got out there!  They helped counter the BS from the dating pool. 

I'd do the dating thing for as long as I could stand it and then I'd take a break and just hang out with friends until I'd recovered enough to go back into the dating pool again.  It's brutal on the emotions!  I think I handled it better than a lot of singles because I went into it thinking I'd make new friends and if something bigger came out of it, hey, bonus!  Even with that attitude, the level of bullshit that you have to deal with is pretty huge and a sane person can only tolerate so much of it before it starts getting really depressing.  REALLY.  That's why I needed those breaks so desperately...to cheer up so I could try again.

Luckily I made a friend and it did turn into something bigger and he saved me from the dreaded dating pool.  Hopefully for the rest of my life!  I'm really hoping that Ken and I can make this last until we're old and having wheelchair races in the nursing home together.

With my friend's news I had the sudden fear that Ken and I could split someday and I'd once again be back in that world of hurt.  Hard not to think that since I know it can happen!  I've been in relationships that I thought were going to last a lifetime and ended up on my own.  I've learned that people change.  They can grow apart.  They don't do it on purpose, they don't do it to hurt anyone, they do it because it's natural to grow and we can't always control the directions we grow.  One thing about a relationship is that it NEVER stays the same.  It will change and not always for the better for the relationship's sake.  Sometimes people truly do grow apart and cannot stay together without one or both having to sacrifice their personal happiness to do so...to conform to something that no longer fits them. 

I think our time on earth is too short to spend it miserable and unhappy.  If it's worth trying to fix, then do it.  I think that when it's over, you know it.  Or at least one of you does and the other is going to have to abide by that.  The thing is, you can't force love.  You can't shame it or bribe it or buy it.  It's there or it isn't.  And if only one of a pair is feeling it, the relationship is doomed. 

I had an ex who tried to force me back to him with bribes, financial punishments and threats.  It was truly bizarre to have someone who is proclaiming to love you, do their best to hurt you.  I won't ever stay with someone who'll act like that.  That isn't love.   

When you love someone...REALLY love them...you want them to be happy, even if it's at your own expense.  Even if it hurts.  Love isn't possession/ownership.  Love isn't a single feeling.  I think that love is how you summarize your many feelings for someone when they make you feel so many good feelings. 

Love evolves over time as you get to know each other better and as you get used to each other and begin to take certain things for granted.  Another natural part of the process.  While this is happening between you and your partner, your self image is also evolving separately.  Sometimes one or both will discover that this relationship isn't what they thought they wanted.  They can even still love their partner but find that their life together isn't a good fit.  Not all relationships have to end in a toxic, bitter battle.

I have felt bad in my life because people have loved me but I haven't loved them back like they needed.  I didn't do it to hurt them.  I simply didn't feel what they needed/wanted me to feel.  And the same for me...I've loved people and had them not love me back like I needed/wanted them to.  It sucks!  But having been on both ends I know that it doesn't mean you don't matter to those people, even if the relationship won't evolve like you'd hoped.  That helps me a bit.  I understand.  I've felt terrible having someone say they love me when I wasn't feeling it back!  I never wanted to hurt them but I did.  I know how it feels because it's happened to me.  So, knowing this, I work on forgiveness, of myself and others, for not being able to always be what we might have wished.  And being grateful for the experiences, good and bad, that have filled my life with intensity and vitality. 

I guess this is how I will close this line of thought...with gratitude.  And courage!  You need courage to put yourself out there and give love a shot.  Even if it doesn't work out, and most of the time it won't, you've had that relationship...known that special person and lived out what relationship there was to live out together and sometimes you end up with a life long friend.  It takes courage to risk the potential pain but without love, what is life worth anyway? 

No regrets...and thank you.

GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

MY NEW COMPUTER IS ALMOST HERE!!!  I'm so freaking excited it's stupid!!  Today I was car shopping with Ben on CarSoup and my computer kept having it's little spaz attacks.  I will have one that won't do that SOON!!! 

What a fucking week this has been!  Well I shouldn't bitch because it's been way better than last week.  Last week I had wayyyyy too much contact with my boss and was so stressed my hands were shaking when I tried to respond to her emails.  This week, she only contacted me once, I responded, waiting for her to figure out a way to make it my fault (it's always my fault) and then she didn't!  She just said THANK YOU!  Can you fucking believe it???  Guess she couldn't think anything up this time.  She's kind of insane.  She has imaginary shit going on in her head that I have to keep proving I didn't do.  It's stupid.  She keeps me off balance tho it's usually safest to expect the worst.  That's usually what you get.

I've had a tall Newcastle at BWW's after car shopping tonight and am now delving into some sweet cherry wine that is surprisingly good for being cheap (as wines go)!  I'm feeling happy and my typing is sloppy.  Probably a good thing I don't have a new computer yet.  I shouldn't play World of Warcraft (WoW is how I will refer to this in the future for your reference) when I've imbibed.  Oops!  Gotta pee!  BRB! 

Ah, that's better!  You miss me?  NOT!  I forgot my spare wings at BWW's.  I'm a little sad that I was so forgetful but I wasn't sad enough to make Ben turn around and drive me back to get them .

OMG!  Life has been busy!!!  I bought new flooring (hard to spell when buzzed...thank god for backspacing)!!!  It will be BEAUTIFUL when it's down!  I know someone will buy my house just because the kitchen flooring will be so awesome!

this is how gorgeous it is!! 

I ordered a gaming computer for myself (see above CAPS).  I'm going to play WoW again, hopefully by next week!!  Stoked!

More important stuff that's happened to people I love...Lacey & Chris got engaged!  He actually got down on one knee and proposed!  I'm so so so happy he made a fuss over my girl (she deserves it) and that he created an event for both of them to remember!!!  I already consider him family but this made it extra special and made me love him even more!

Next, Nick FINALLY closed on his house!  He and my daughter Lee are moving into their new abode this weekend!  They were put thru utter torture and honestly, the people who did this should be taken out and shot so they don't EVER do it to anyone again!  The level of stress and the volume of fuck-ups was truly mind boggling!  I have never heard of anyone's closing going so horribly!  I'm beyond grateful that it's over and they finally got their house!  If I could have seen the future, I would have recommended that they talk to my friend Carol Ballantine instead of dealing with friends of their friends.  Carol would have taken good care of them!  I regret that I didn't act like a pushy mom this time!

Whoa!  My cell phone finally is all recharged! Just heard it beep.  Gotta go get it!  BRB!  (hard to type that sometimes)

My sweetie is off drinking Newcastle somewhere down in SLC right now.  Wish I was with him!  Cheers baby!

Time to go listen to some tunage.  Probably a good thing I froze all that banana bread I baked last night.  I'd be eating some if I didn't!

I'm a DIY Queen!!

I'm tired after my day of DIY queen work so probably should be going to bed instead of writing this but what the hell, I don't always use my best judgement!

Let me tell you the tale of my kitchen floor.  15 years ago I bought this mobile home.  When I walked into the place I hated it!  I really did!  It had horrific wallpaper all over the place.  My first instinct was I hated the dividing wall between the living room and kitchen and wanted to knock it down.  Walked around into the corner and realized that wasn't possible.  But decided that the price was right (enough) and it would work.  So I bought it.

When it was mine I finally removed a floor mat that had been sitting in front of the fridge to find, to my horror, a badly patched section of linoleum flooring.  Fuckers!  Back then I didn't have squat for money.  Was busy raising 3 kids so financing home improvement projects wasn't high on my list of priorities.  So for years and years I kept a mat over that spot.  And over those years that spot turned into a crack that finally extended almost the entire width of my kitchen.  So had rugs.  And gorilla tape (extra strong tape, stronger that duct tape!) to keep it from cracking even worse.  Sort of helped.

Then came the day when the kids were all grown and I wanted to sell the house and be freer with my life options.  And it was long past time to deal with the floor.  I'd always planned to fix it over the years but never got around to it.  There was always something more important for money/resources to go to.  Now the time had come if I wanted to sell it.  Who wants a house with a cracked up kitchen floor?  Not me!


So here's the plan.  Fix the existing floor by patching it so that it qualifies as a waterproof barrier.  THEN put a new floor down on top of that.  I plan to put in a floating linoleum floor.  Kind of like click flooring but instead of the "click" it has a strip of glue so each piece adheres to the next instead of the floor.  So when I'm done with this it'll be kind of a double waterproof floor, at least up to the cupboard edges and then single underneath.  I'm taking pictures as I go to prove to any inspector, if there is one, that my house is up to code under the new floor. 

My mobile home was built in an interesting way.  Maybe they all are.  Probably.  Anyway, they slap down the floor and then set walls and cupboards on top of it.  From what the MH supply company tells me, I'm supposed to have a waterproof barrier to be up to code.  So having this big old crack in the kitchen floor is a problem!  And cutting the crappy linoleum away from the edges of the cupboards would negate any waterproof barrier qualities it has.  So I decided to google how to repair a linoleum floor and ta-da!  There was a fix and it didn't look to hard!  It left me feeling like an idiot for not doing this years ago too.  Bleah. 

It was rather fun getting the materials!  Told the guys at Menards that I needed a 1 ft X 12 ft strip of their cheapest linoleum.  They looked at me funny.  I told them it was just a patch and didn't need to be pretty.  Believe me, it isn't!  Ran all over the place looking for a heat gun.  No one seemed to know where they had them but all were sure they had them.  Finally found them over by paint supplies.  Just so you know for future reference.

I got adhesive and seam sealer.  I got a new box cutter (kind of excited about that!  I like knives!)  I got some leather gloves since I couldn't find "heat resistant" gloves.  (They worked just fine)  

That's the back story to my day today.  Today I started the project.  First I removed all the rugs.  And then it was time to remove the gorilla tape.

this is the floor with gorilla tape on it

Removing the gorilla tape didn't go well.  That shit sticks like a mo-fo!!  Ended up tearing my floor even worse that it was, taking it off!  This caused me to adapt my plans.  It'd planned to do a thin strip patch.  Instead, decided to do pretty much a full 1ft wide patch to try to eradicate all the tape damage.

the gorilla tape took layers off the flooring underneath and tore the flooring off to the side in a couple spots

here's the original square that I inherited with the house

The instructions said to lay the patch down and cut along it to create a perfect template.  This sound easy right?  Weirdly, making that first cut was an emotional bitch!  I felt strangely traumatized cutting into my floor!  It freaked me out!  But I dug deep and I did it.  It had to be done!

And I had to cut and cut and cut till my hands hurt!  Probably 10 ft long on 2 side and cutting thru 2 pieces of linoleum so had to apply some pressure.  Awkward and not as easy as I thought it would be! 

The glue was so bad under most of it that it lifted off quite easily.  I did need the heat gun & putty knife for the square portion the previous owner had glued on.  That heat gun was rather cool!  The adhesive didn't put up much of a fight once that was applied!

It already looked better just getting that crappy linoleum off!  I was feeling pretty good at this point.  My neck was also hurting and I was also sick of crawling around on the floor, but that was beside the point.  

 I'd come to the conclusion, earlier, that this wasn't going to be a one night job.  But at least I could get the biggest chunk done.  The glue needs to set up for 24 hrs before I can pull the fridge out to work on the last section so round 2 will commence either tomorrow or Monday night. 

Then fun times with glue began!  It seemed so logical and simple in the instructions!  In reality, HOLY SHIT is that stuff sticky and icky!!!  Instructions say that if some of the adhesive oozes out onto the floor to just wipe it up with a paper towel.  What it does not tell you is that your fingers will be sticky from said glue and the paper towel will stick to said sticky fingers and as you work your fingers will become a literal gluey, sticky papery disaster area!  It also says to put down some wax paper and use a seam roller to smooth the seams.  Well, I got the bright idea to save a few pennies and use my granite rolling pin as a seam roller.  I may have cost myself a granite rolling pin with that brilliant judgement call!  Here's what REALLY happens!  You put down the wax paper and start rolling.  The wax paper promptly wraps itself around your rolling pin and glue squeezes out and you're wiping and then trying to get the paper off your gluey fingers and then you're taking your gluey papered hands and grabbing your sticky box cutter to trim the floor because, guess what?  Linoleum "RELAXES"!!  Ken told me this after I bitched about having to re-trim the damned edges TWICE during the gluing process.  So now I have bits of linoleum stuck to my papered gluey fingers.  And my rolling pin isn't faring a lot better! 

I pushed on thru.  I had to pause regularly to pry the glue/paper/linoleum off my fingers.  Then go reapply.  Finally it was glued down and flush with the existing floor!  Bowing to applause here!  Thank you!  Thank you very much!!

See?  I told you it wasn't pretty!

The bags are rock salt in ziplocs to put a little weight on certain areas that weren't committed to staying put

I'd be in big trouble if this had to be pretty.  What you can't see is that there is some smeary glue stuff around the edges that I'm hoping I can get off later for a professional finish.  If I can't?  Pfft!  It's going to be hidden under a new floor in another month anyway!

Now I don't touch it for 24 hrs.  Then I will cut and lay down another patch.  After that sets I'll seal the edges and it will be waterproof like it has never been the entire time I've lived here.

Now I have peeled most of the adhesive off my hands.  The rest will wear off in time.  I'm almost recovered from crawling around on my floor for hours.  Almost.  I get a 24 hr vacation now!  WOOT WOOT!!  I'm going to go off and wallow in my DIY Queen glory now.  TTFN! 

It's now Monday night (that was Sat) and I've just finished cutting and pasting the last piece in.  Let it set up for 24 hrs then seal all the seams and it's waterproof!  I'm so happy it's all cut and in now.  The rest is cake!

 

 

fridge is pulled out and time to cut the last piece!

DONE!  And I even pattern matched :)

Crying at work is NOT ALLOWED!!!

I have had such a bitch of a time with myself recently!  I'm hormonal.  As in the dreaded PMS <think that word loudly, with reverb>.  Generally I'm not so affected but the past few days, yesterday in particular, have been a hormonal nightmare!

To clarify, PMS stands for PRE-mentrual syndrome!  PRE being the operative word!  This is the time before Auntie Flo comes to visit, when you become moody/snarly, can eat endlessly and never be full, you bloat (could it be from the incessant eating?) and you cramp and your boobs get bigger and get sore and your clothes get tight and you retain water like a mo-fo.  Some months I actually look forward to Aunt Flo's visit!  When AF shows up I relax...almost to a puddle state and become human again.  Aside from peeing out all the fluids you previously retained (imagine trips to the bathroom every 5 fucking minutes), it's that time before AF shows up that can be so, so NOT fun! 

This weekend I wasn't fit to be around people and mostly managed to keep to myself.  I was in snarly, bitchy mode.  I watched Seven Psychopaths and then went on an unpublished rant about the psychos I know.  Well, it was published for a few minutes and then I took it back.  Because I think I came off a little psycho.

My daughters were allowed into my circle of trust because they are also suffering with the dreaded PMS <reverb>.  Apparently my granddaughters have it too because when their Mom came over to visit, the girls started in on their "I want" lists and high drama ensued!  Lots of "MOM!"  "MOM!" "MOM!" and sobbing dramatically and stomping around.  Lee (my daughter) and I caught each others eye over my granddaughter's head (I'd been hunkering down hoping the drama would miss me) and read each others minds in an instant.  We both thought "WTF?????" with a little side of "kill me now please!" thrown in for good measure.  Then the beer began to flow.  Well, a couple beers worth anyway since we aren't all that fond of hang-overs or peeing all night. Couple days later my daughter Lacey came for a visit, bringing chocolate cake to celebrate my belated b'day and soothe our raging hormones.  It worked!  Had some laughs, danced with Penelope and commiserated on how is sucks to be a girl sometimes. 

Then came the dreaded MONDAY.  Seriously!  I was dreading damned Monday on Sunday, all day long!  I even posted this picture as my profile pic as a dark omen of what was to come.  (Maybe I cursed myself?)

Got to work and found that my front office co-workers were BOTH out sick...with the freaking plague from the sound of it!  I hope we aren't in for round 2 of the flu bug at work.  I got off pretty light last time and thought I was safe.  Dammit!!  Anyway, this meant that I'd need to cover phones, figure out where the mailbox was (new building/office, etc) and make checks as needed.  Also felt compelled to stay until the doors automatically locked at 5 since it felt a bit vulnerable leaving the place with no one up front to take deliveries, hold off the barbarians and what not.

Ok.  Doing fine so far at this point.  Was too busy to empty the dishwasher so left it full of clean dishes.  Figured someone else would take care of that.  Sat down to work on submitting some invoices to a client through their software per their request.  Our project manager was on the road so got him to send me his password and got into the program.  Figured out how to upload them and felt pretty proud of myself!  Chased around after this and that. I was taking care of business!

Got an email from the client that I'd submitted the invoices incorrectly.  He sent me a 44 page booklet on how to do this.  (sound of head hitting desk here)  I tried to follow the instructions but the stuff I was supposed to see and select was sadly absent.  I DID NOT want to call the client again to ask for help.  I felt like an idiot but I didn't want to let him in on that.  I was fighting back tears!  This is where PMS can sometimes kick me in the balls, if I had any.  It makes stuff that normally wouldn't phase me, into something that brings on waterworks and makes me want to run home and crawl into bed and hide! I decided to take a lunch break (aka mental health break) and get back at it after.

After lunch I took my dirty dishes into the lunch room to put them in the dishwasher.  The dishwasher was still full and the sink was now full of dirty dishes.  I grumbled mentally and started to unload the clean dishes.  Then I discovered that not only had they not emptied the clean dishes, they'd put their dirty dishes in with the clean dishes AND left a pile in the sink to boot!  Damn!  I forgot that I was the fucking maid that day! 

It took me a while but I got myself under control finally.  Well, maybe not "under control"...what I did was vent to my girlfriend that I was going to update my resume and start job hunting in some very colorful language!  It sort of helped.  Until I tried the client's software again.  After fighting back tears, I called the director of the company to see if he had experience with the software because I was tired of looking like boob in front of our client!  I needed someone to save me!  Luckily this was a good move because the ID I was using didn't have access to the data I was looking for!  We finally got it rolling, the invoices got uploaded AND approved!  I toddled out the door at 5.  I made it!  I didn't cry at work!  (mostly)

Got home late and was rewarded by a nasty odor when I opened the front door.  Bruiser had crapped all over the place.  Kind of expected that since he doesn't tolerate my lateness well but as icing on the cake of my work day, it sucked!  So I got busy cleaning up the mess and using some Pine Sol to clean and freshen the air.  While I was doing this, Bruiser began to barf.  They act kind of like a cat getting ready to toss up a hairball.  It's not nice!  I grabbed him and made a run for the front door and only ended up spreading the "joy" around on the carpet during our mad dash.  Lucky for me I already was in cleaning mode!


After the air was fresh enough that I could tolerate it, I ate the rest of the chocolate b'day cake cause dammit! I earned it!!  From what I hear from my friends on facebook, that may have contributed to my dreaming of taking bears tire shopping at Wal-mart.