My thoughts on the Zimmerman trial and verdict

Yesterday George Zimmerman was found not guilty of 2nd degree murder/manslaughter in the shooting of Trayvon Martin.  He's still in some major trouble because of all the hype that has surrounded this case and the racist allegations.  George really didn't have a chance when the media got hold of this story.

I'll admit I was disappointed that he didn't get manslaughter.  I personally didn't think it was a case of racial profiling but he chose to take a gun with him to check Trayvon out after 911 told him to stay away.  He made choices that ended up to be fatal to an innocent young man.  I have a problem with anyone getting away with that.  At the same time, when a lawyer explained the threshold for self defense vs. manslaughter it made sense.  It still doesn't feel like justice was served to me.

Here are my thoughts on what happened based on what I've skimmed.  I have not been raptly attuned to this case tho I have watched it.  AND, most importantly, I was not in the court room and neither were most of us and we did not hear the evidence that the verdict was decided on.

The first error and this is why I hold George responsible for this killing, is that he took a gun with him to investigate this young man when he was told NOT to by 911.  That was the fatal decision that set this whole thing in motion.

I suspect I understand why he did that after hearing some testimony.  He was scared.  From the sound of it, George is less than a physical specimen.  He was obese and couldn't fight.  The gun made him feel secure.  I think the decision he made was part of his psychology.  It made him feel "like a man" when in other areas he didn't feel terribly confident, for good reason apparently.  I imagine he decided to ignore the 911 operator's warning because he wanted to be a hero and catch the person who'd been committing thefts in the area.  This was his big chance to be THE MAN!  If he hadn't had that gun I'm betting he would not have gotten out of his car.

So he approaches Trayvon.  No idea what triggers them to start fighting but this is where Trayvon made his fatal mistake.  Trayvon chose to straddle George and abuse him.  He picked the wrong target.  Trayvon, I think, was a classic, hormonal 17 year old male.  Meaning they have the sense of a flea when their testosterone levels jack up.  I think, from Trayvon's POV, here's this fat little dude trying to be a tough guy after scaring him a bit following him and his hormones are racing and he's going to teach him a lesson.  If he would have just stood there and waited for police to show.  If he would have chosen to react in a non-violent way, he probably would have lived.  Instead he thought he found an easy target to pound down.  Feels good to do that kind of thing when you're a young, hormonal male.

Well he attacked a man who, at his very core, was a terrible coward.  Who was terrified that Trayvon was going to kill him.  I supposed it's possible but I'm guessing he may have stopped with a good beat down but when you attack a coward who thinks he's going to die, rightly or wrongly, and he has a concealed weapon...well this is what happens.

It sickens me that both of these men made the decisions that they made that brought them to this result.  Neither was innocent.  Trayvon shouldn't have had to pay with his life.  He might have done some jail time for assault but death?  Not ok.  George will also pay with his life, in a different way.  Unless someone decides to kill him which I think is possible at this point.  He will have difficulty getting/holding jobs probably for the rest of his life.  He basically screwed himself even though the jury found him not guilty.  He is guilty of killing Trayvon.

When I heard about the threshold for manslaughter, that all these things, choosing to carry his gun and ignore 911, choosing to confront Trayvon, in the end, didn't matter.  All they needed to prove was that George felt his life was in danger and that he needed to strike back with whatever force he had available to help him save his own life, to prove self defense.  I think his defense proved that.

I wish there was a charge/sentence for murder because you made HORRIFICALLY BAD decisions that led to the death of another.  I think George would have been better served to do some time.  He could then say he paid for his bad decision making that ended in the death of another.  Trayvon is beyond answering for his bad decisions.  He paid the ultimate price.

I’m thinking about what a wonderful word “NO” is this morning.  It’s so versatile and can be used for almost anything.  In fact, I think it’s underutilized.  I wish, sometimes, that I could use it more often.

 

Like when I’m covering phones at work.  When I get a call from a panicked person who waited until the last minute to get the information they need to put in a bid on a project.  I would like to say “NO” to their request for assistance.  They should have asked sooner. 

 

I could easily be a “NO” Nazi if only I wouldn’t get fired for doing that.  I could be a No-Nazi. 

 

When Nike says to me “Just Do It” I would firmly say “No”.   Why?  “No”.  See?  That works beautifully!

 

When I’m having a pissy day and someone smiles at me and says “Have a great day!”  I would scowl at them and say “No”. 

 

It’s more poetic than “Piss Off” for instance.  Short, to the point and the very sound of it conveys the meaning.  Though piss kind of sounds like its meaning also.  I just realized that piss is a loaded word.  Think about it.

People don’t get all worked up about you being a potty mouth like they would if you said “Fuck you”.  If you say “No” they can’t accuse you of swearing at them, but you still get to refuse to cooperate with their stupid ideas.   

My boyfriend just used a fancy combo on facebook.  He said “Fuck No”.  I like that too.  It deepens the meaning but starts getting a little windy using 2 words like that.  Just sayin.

♫ No no no no, no no no no, no no no no no no no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no no no no no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no ♫ 

Use the melody from the old Meow Mix commercial for this lovely “No” tune!  This exercise will limber your tongue for many “No”s today.  Many.  Unless you’re in a really generous mood.  Or want to stay employed.  (Curse my need for money!)

 

Saying “No” is a skill we should develop.  Some folks are probably pros but some need work.  I found a blog  http://michaelhyatt.com/5-reasons-why-you-need-to-get-better-at-saying-no.html about 5 good reasons to say “No”.  Here they are if you're too lazy to read the article. 

If we don’t get better at saying “no,”

1.        Other peoples’ priorities will take precedence over ours.

2.        Mere acquaintances—people we barely know!—will crowd out time with family and close friends.

3.        We will not have the time we need for rest and recovery.

4.        We will end up frustrated and stressed.

5.        We won’t be able to say “yes” to the really important things.

It is so true!  Haven't you ever said “Yes” to something and then felt the inward cringe begin?  Plus, you sometimes have to turn down other things you would have preferred to do because you said “Yes” to something you didn’t want to do, because you didn’t want to make someone unhappy.  That’s the rub.  Saying “No” can make people unhappy with you.  But it can also simplify your life.  And sometimes that’s necessary.

 

The guy in the blog has made “No” his default answer instead of “Yes”.  He saves “Yes” for things that are really worth saying “Yes” to!  That thinking has merit.  I don’t know that I’m ready to go that far yet but it’s worth a ponder.

 

 

 

 

I'm going on a self date tonight!

I’m just throwing this out there in case there are any single women who read this blog who feel like they have to wait to have someone join them to go out for a fun evening.  Have a self date! 

This won’t work for everyone.  Like when my kids still lived at home I always had to drag them with on my self dates since they needed to be fed and would have a riot if I saw a movie without them.  But at this stage of the game, where my main companion is a geriatric dog with dementia, I can take myself out on self dates as often as I want!

I am in a long distance relationship.  Have been for years!  And it doesn't interfere with my dating life at all. Here are some good reasons to self date…

No scheduling issues whatsoever! 

This makes the “event” stress free or at the least low stress.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cancelled a self date because I was too lazy to get changed out of my saggy sweats so I could appear in public, or I’d had too many glasses of wine and shouldn’t go out anyway.  And my date didn’t get mad at me at all!  No hurt feelings to soothe!  So nice!

 

If you eat in, your house can be messy! 

For example, tonight I’m going to try a new coconut chicken recipe with a pineapple/sriracha salsa.  It sounds delicious!  But if it sucks, I don’t have to be embarrassed about it.  I can just eat a bowl of cereal and it’s all good!  My house is pretty cluttered, in fact my kitchen table is buried under papers and “stuff” and my kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes, but I’m not going to get all futzed up about it.  Who cares?  Not me!  And I will wash my dishes after I cook (maybe). 

No dressing up! 

You can go see whatever movie you want to see at whatever time works for you because hey, this is all about you! 
 

I should call it selfish dating instead of self dating.  Selfish dating is all about being your own bestie.  Showing yourself that you appreciate all the hard work that you do slaving to keep a roof over your own head!  (Or in my case struggling to stay awake at my desk some days and forcing myself not to feign illness so I can go home where I have a chance of doing something productive with my time – yeah, sometimes it’s slower than snail naps around here.)

Last time I took my grandkids to a movie with me I had one of them nudging me to let me know that her eyes were watering (it was a 3D movie and that can’t be watched without some issue apparently) or that her stomach wasn’t happy about her choice of snacks.  I’m just sitting there thinking “maybe I should have just taken myself to this movie so I wouldn’t have to worry about tummy troubles or watering eyes?”  Nah, I'll take them to a movie again, even if they are pesty, because they're just so darned cute!

When the date is over you can have a glass of wine or 3 and play World of Warcraft until the wee hours and laugh at how badly you type when under the influence…or you can listen to You Tube and post tons of songs that nobody else will listen to, on your Facebook page, and your friends might whisper to your kids, wondering if their Mom might be drunk?  It’s happened.  I know! 
 

If you’re feeling romantic you don’t even have to shave your legs to make that marginal effort!  <wink, wink>

 

While it’s not as much fun as “with company”…well hmmm, maybe sometimes it’s MORE fun than the company you’ve currently got going…it’s pretty much a sure thing you’ll be sleeping with a smile on your face by the time your selfish date night is over. 

 

Since I am one of those weird-zoids that has lively conversations with herself in her own head, pretty much constantly, I tend to be well entertained without a lot of external input.  Selfish dates are hassle free and guaranteed to be enjoyable for someone like me!  I wonder if they'd be enjoyable for the extrovert types?

I have no shame about bringing a good book to a restaurant and having a leisurely meal with my nose buried in it, except for being annoyed with the wait staff, who keep checking to see if I’m alright.  Yeah, and I was alright 5 minutes ago too!  Now where was I?

I’ll go to a movie and sit by myself without embarrassment.  My favorite is to sit on the aisle in the seat with a railing in front of it so I can prop my feet up during the movie or have quick access to the ladies room in case I drink too much soda during the movie.  No one to climb over.  And I get to sit in my favorite spot instead of where someone else is sure is the best view, often in the upper middle area.  I have my reasons.  I like aisles and room to stretch out! 

So don’t wait for one of those idiots on-line to ask you out!  Go out with your favorite person!  YOU!!  Cause you rock and I bet you’ll have a really great time with yourself if you just give yourself a chance! 

Tonight I’m baking myself that coconut chicken with pineapple salsa, then I’m going out to see the new Star Trek movie.  And knowing me, I’ll probably crash out pretty quickly by the time I get home because I’m a wuss and usually am really tired by Friday night but if not, I’ll be on World of Warcraft doing some bad typing if anyone cares to chat!  Now that’s a great night out for me! 

It would be better with Mr. Ken and knowing him he’d doze off DURING the movie since he’s been working harder than me all week, but since he’s 1200 miles away, this works.  We are such a wild couple.  Living la vida loca!  If I could only get him to play World of Warcraft!  (Like that’s gonna happen)    

Anyway, y’all have a great weekend!  And if you don’t have a date, date yourself and have a great time!  If you feel self conscious, DON’T!  I do this all the time and to my knowledge, nobody cares at all if they even bother to notice!

Things I suck at and the cayenne pepper cupcake mishap

Was just watching a Jenna Marbles vlog on You Tube and she was talking about things she sucks at and she inspired me!  Cause I suck at things too!

Bruiser wants me to chase him...what great timing!  Well I'll take a minute and do that...doesn't take much to wear him out!  Wait...while I typed this he forgot about chase and just laid down.  I love this old dog!

Started this entry this AM, was distracted by Bruiser, went cupcake shopping but now I'm back on point now...

I sometimes suck at staying focused.

I suck at dressing myself.

It's a problem.  Here are some samples.  One day, after I got to work I looked down and realized I was wearing 2 different shoes.  For real!!  I stayed at my desk A LOT that day!

I can't tell you how many times I get to work, have to use the restroom, look in the mirror and realize I have a stain on the front of my shirt or that I can see my black panties thru my light colored slacks.  Or that I realize how badly the color scheme I'm wearing clashes.

I am capable of dressing nicely, I just tend not to focus on it when I'm trying to get out the door in the AM and sometimes it ends up being embarrassing!  I've often thought I'd be a great candidate for that TV show "What Not to Wear".

I suck at dieting.

I promised myself I'd stop with the fat comments recently because I'm beginning to bore myself with them.  I figure if I don't like it I need to do something about it and stop running on about it.  BUT I do suck at dieting.  As soon as I think of dieting I want cake.  Or something decadent and fattening.  And I seem to be able to make myself behave for 2-3 days usually and then reward myself with something fattening and decadent.  And that's all I'm going to say about this.

AND WHY DOES BRUISER START WHINING AT ME EVERY DAMNED TIME I SIT DOWN TO BLOG???  I mean he was just napping.  I was watching You Tube and he was ignoring me.  Then I get busy typing and here he is...groaning and whining but does he want out?  No...who knows what the fuck he wants!!  Annoying.  JS

Ok, I just finished lunch and was all set to taste test my cayenne pepper cupcake from Nadia Cupcakes but thought I should take it into the kitchen for some better light so I could take a picture of it and post it here and make you all jealous.  Then I dropped it on the rug.  Yup.  Frosting side down, on the rug.

pitiful isn't it?

Dammit!

Anyway, back to things I suck at.

AFTER I get some honey mead because I deserve it because I dropped my cupcake on the rug.  I did taste a bit of the cake before I tossed it...not as good as the Mexican Hot Chocolate cupcake from Cupcake, but it did give some heat.  (If I was at the Renaissance Festival no one would think anything bad about me having honey mead right after lunch.  Think about that before you judge.)

Now, things I suck at...drinking honey mead apparently because I just breathed it down my wind pipe and am hacking up a lung.  This is a rough little patch here!

I suck at jogging.

The other day I felt inspired to jog again.  Then I got up to walk to the lady's room and my left knee was hurting and my right ankle didn't want to bend like it should and my back was aching.  So I started thinking that maybe instead I should go get some jogging clothes and then I could jog tomorrow because it was sort of warm to bundle up for jogging...like almost 40.  Still haven't gotten my jogging clothes.  Also my version of jogging is more of a zombie shuffle while my face turns red as a beet and I pant like I'm dying.  You can read about my last foray below.  Maybe I should get a bike?

http://gorvik.blogspot.com/2013_03_30_archive.html

Is that enough for you people?  Ok, here's some more!  

Sometimes I suck at baking.  BAD!  Hard to believe this, I know, but it's true!  

When I was a kid I tried to bake my grandma's red velvet cake.  Twice.  Because the first time it didn't rise and weighed a ton.  The second attempt didn't work any better.  So I tried to make the best of it and put them all together and frosted them and they looked really nice.  Until my Mom lifted the plate and was shocked at the impressive weight of the thing!  It didn't taste right either!  In fact it tasted really weird!  I have not attempted that recipe since.  It scares me.

And that other time where I offered to help a co-worker out by baking a pumpkin pie for him to take to a family/friend gathering for Thanksgiving.  And didn't realize that I hadn't added spices until we tried my pie at our family Turkey Day festivities.  Let's just say it was rather awful!  As in inedible.  I not only did I have to face my family with this awful pie I had to face my co-worker the following Monday when he wanted to know why I secretly hated him since I would send him to a gathering with an inedible pumpkin pie like that!  

Oh I just remembered Lacey's graduation cake!!  That was was an awesome blunder!  I baked her a lemon poke cake and poured lemon pudding all over it to soak into the holes.  Then I frosted it with a pretty yellow frosting and decorated it with lettering and a graduation cap all done in black icing.  Done freehand by yours truly!  Wrapped it up to take to the celebration.  Set up the taco bar, decorated, etc.  Then uncovered the cake.  The frosting had melted!  Because of the pudding layer, all the frosting was in a pool of yellow and black smeared frosting around the base of the cake!  It looked hideous!  We hid it back in the kitchen and a few of us ate it anyway and it was delicious.  It wasn't fit for human eyes but luckily the flavor redeemed it and we have a good memory out of the fiasco!

I suck at dog grooming.

My dog is partly to blame for this one.  When he was a pup I took him to several groomers and when I'd come to pick him up they'd tell me not to bring him back because he bites and they couldn't keep a muzzle on his apparently weird shaped jaws.  So I decided to learn to groom him myself.  I bought clippers and even got a video on how to do the job.  I watched intently.  It showed how you tie their leash up so that they stay put.  I was stoked to try this!  I tried it on Bruiser and he pretty much strangled himself.

They showed me a trick of how if you lift the back leg closest to you, you can buzz the hair on the inside of the far leg because they'd have to stand there since they only had one leg left to stand on.  Seemed pretty clever and I couldn't wait to try it!  

I lifted Bruiser's right leg.  He lifted his left leg leaving his rear end dangling by the leg I was holding in my hand.  There was no leg available for me to buzz.  

Not ONE of the tricks/techniques in that video worked because they weren't buzzing a Bruiser.  So now I get someone to hold him down and I buzz him down so short you can see the freckles on his skin.  He looks pretty stupid for a couple of weeks until it grows back in but that's what happens when you have an impossible pain in the ass for a dog and a poorly skilled dog groomer.

can you see his freckles?  

I think that's enough admissions for one day.  I hope you all feel better about yourselves.  I need to go do some laundry and be productive.  For a short while anyway.

I mostly plan to goof around with my brother and sister playing World of Warcraft in a while...that's the real truth.  I'm going to be a little productive but mostly this day is set aside to goof off with my siblings.  Who rock and who already know really well how bad I can suck at things!!  In fact, I'll probably suck at WoW with my mediocre boomkin but I love her and them and it'll be fun even so.  

Random thoughts on this boring day...

I don't have the patience to read long emails...especially if they don't have any humorous photos to look at.  I get bunches of emails every day and if they aren't work related, longer than 3 sentences, with no pictures, I tend to delete them.  I lack focus and patience.  I start reading them and my mind wanders over to my stapler and my paperclips and wondering what so and so is doing and I want a nutty bar and my pants feel tight and then I have to start over.  And mostly it's not worth it so I don't bother...I delete. 

I'm the same way with news articles.  If it doesn't grab me quickly, I'm on to the next distraction.  Books...another story.  I have forced myself thru a number of truly awful books because they were books and I kept hoping I'd get to the interesting part.  There have been a few that were too awful and I couldn't care enough to try.  But some of them...well let's just say they help bore me to sleep at night.  It's something! 

I'll insert some pictures to give you something interesting to look at if you choose to wade thru this latest blog installment.  I like pictures!

My back aches today.  Probably from FINISHING MY KITCHEN FLOORING PROJECT LAST NIGHT.  Yes, I finished it.  Except for 2 pieces of trim for doorways. 

I've noticed I have a number of strange compulsions when it comes to my floors.  When I was patching the cracked linoleum I found it hard to cut into the crappy flooring and remove the damaged part.  It created a weird sense of panic in me.  I apparently also find it weirdly difficult to drill into them.  Pierce the ugly linoleum?  Gasp!  I need to get past this hurdle.  I should do it tonight before I put away my miter box & drill. 

This is what it looked like after I cut out the cracked linoleum so I could patch it

Another one is rugs.  I've had such a shitty floor in that kitchen for pretty much the whole time I've lived there that I have had rugs in the kitchen for about 15 years to cover up the bad sections.  Yeah, it took me WAY too long to fix the flooring issues but I'll blame most of that the priority of spending money on raising my kids even tho they haven't lived at home with me for almost a couple years now.  So my newest compulsion is that I want to stand on a rug when I wash dishes.  I prefer it.  I have a beautiful new floor but didn't feel right last night until I put a rug down in front of the kitchen sink.  Now I don't mind standing there to do dishes.  Last night I walked all over on it with bare feet while I worked on finishing the trim, to make myself adjust.  Still ended up putting the rug down before I could feel at ease. 
 

This is what it looks like now...linoleum under patched and new flooring/trim!  And I put a rug over it so I can wash dishes, cause I'm a little bit weird.

Oh, and another thing...the other night, when I was almost done with the flooring I started obsessing about what would happen if the planks unlocked and came loose?  And what if I hadn't put enough gap on the ends and they all start buckling?  And will the oven melt the vinyl planks under it?  What if the oven wasn't level and my cakes all came out even more lopsided than they used to?  I fretted all night.  I told Ken.  Better to warn him about my "quirks" anyway...sooner rather than later.  He says my OCD issues are part of what makes me, me and he loves me.  At least he doesn't lie and tell me I'm totally normal.  That everybody does this crap!

I now know why my dog has OCD tendencies.  He gets it from me.  He's spent his entire life following me around, studying me, so he was bound to develop some issues.  The Dog Whisperer says they pick up on our energy.  My energy is apparently somewhat compulsive and neurotic.  And sometimes annoying based on his barking fest while I was soaking my sore back/muscles in a hot bath this morning.  Such a lovely serenade!  Not. 

Being a girl sucks.  Aunt Flo will be coming for a visit soon and I'm blowing up like a balloon right now.  My jeans are tight...even in the knees!  My bra feels tight.  My belly feels like it could pop. Muffin top!  (Rhymes - had to use spell check on that word...I struggle with that one) Luckily I'm not ravenous or fighting to control the wild beast that seems to be napping inside me at the moment.  It could be worse!  Like all of that could be going on at once...been there, done that...it wasn't pretty.  But I feel like a stuffed sausage.  Not good for self image at all!  Maybe I should think of myself as voluptuous?  I am.  In the busting out of your clothes kind of way.  Not in the hourglass way. 

And once AF finally arrives?  Potty breaks desperately needed every 5-10 minutes while off loading all the retained water.  Being a girls sucks.  Except at least we don't have dicks!  Can you imagine walking around packing the nards and stem in your pants ladies?  Where the hell does that all fit?  Does it chafe?  I should ask Ken that tonight if I remember.  I'll probably forget unless I write a note.  Too busying thinking and typing.

Oh, talking about that (bloating & swelling), I heard a talk on the radio about someone being all offended that some celebrity or something told a fat guy/gal oh....shit I don't remember.  But they said you're fat because you eat too much and are too lazy.  With some swear words.  And a bunch of fat people got offended.  "HOW DARE ANYONE SAY FAT PEOPLE EAT TOO MUCH AND DON'T EXERCISE ENOUGH!!"  Gasp.

I think they are a bunch of fucking idiots.  I'm fat.  At the moment anyway.  Probably for a long time because it's not like I can snap my fingers and get over it!  Anyway, I do this.  I LOVE to eat and I don't have great self-control and I'm rather lazy by nature so I get fat and then I have to fight to slim down.  It's more natural for me to be fat than slim.  And you know why?  Because I eat too much and I'm lazy!  You think this kitchen project is normal for me?  Holy crap NO!  That's why I have aching muscles from getting up and down off the floor.  Because I'm a marshmallow.  At least I own it!  I even have some shame over it but not enough to motivate my lazy butt out the door for regular exercise. 

BUT I don't expect the rest of the world to say it's a good thing/that it's great and I'm awesome because I'm fat because it isn't awesome to be fat.  Being fat doesn't feel good and it's not good for you. 

It's super easy to get that way (for me anyway) and super hard to undo it.  When I'm slim I think how I'll never let myself get fat again and then I get fat again.  Should people judge me because of it?  No.  I'm a great person, I'm smart, funny, spunky and I work hard when I work.  I play hard too when I get the chance.  I think I add value to the world.  Haters can piss off!  But I'm not going around being all offended because someone spoke the truth about me, even if it wasn't all that nice to say it out loud.  I agree!  I think most fat people are fat because they eat too much of the wrong things and they don't exercise enough.  I know there are always exceptions to the rule but I think this is true for most.  And when we diet, we don't want to give up the food we love or exercise more.  Takes effort and sacrifice and it's a long process so it's difficult to hang on to that motivation!  Like right now I want chocolate WAY more than the healthy apple I brought for my snack.  WAYYY more!!

I think people in this country really love to be offended.  And if they're offended they want laws enacted to make sure the offenders are punished, if they can pull it off, because they NEVER want to be offended again.  Sigh.  It makes me fucking tired. 

I'm really bored at work right now.  That's why I'm writing this.  Something to do to pass the time.  This is going to be a long week.  I'm in a lull this week and into early next week.  It will be torture!  If only I had vacation time to take!  Bleah! 

 

Oh, another random thought...I keep hearing how the Boston Marathon bombing has affected us all so much and I'm thinking "really?"  I mean, it's tragic and sickening but is it affecting my life at all really?  Nope.  I still pay my bills, go to work, get up , eat, sit down, drive around, feed the dog, etc.  Aside from being saddened I'm not affected.  Well maybe I was affected a bit the day after when the news media had had time to put a sound track to the tragedy and set up slow-mo pictures to help us understand how tragic it really is.  Because if it doesn't look like a movie we just might not understand that lives were lost and people were hurt and that people were all busy being heroic.  Our news media is so obnoxious.  I don't like that they put people's tragedies to music and spin it like a Lifetime movie of the week full of B/C listers.  Don't you get tired of the media treating us all like we're complete morons?  Pfft!

 

And another thing, since I'm doing an Andy Rooney impression here, don't you just love those "Stars who lost their looks" thingys?  Super obnoxious!  Gosh, even movie stars can't stay 20 years old forever!  Get the f over it!  This country is more obsessed with eternal youth than I am over my new kitchen floor! 

 

And now that I've devolved to Andy Rooney status I think this is a good time to stop.  Just stop.  Before I begin growing hair out of  my ears and my eyebrows begin to sprout faster than I can pluck them. 

 

 

 

When I googled Andy Rooney I got this in the picture group. 

 

She isn't Andy Rooney!  Sweet Dreams are made of these...



 

 

Facebook, the Serenity Prayer and a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

It's very weird that I lead with this since I'm agnostic but frankly, it's just a fantastic way to think about the world that it has affected my life profoundly over the years!  I usually leave the "God" part out since it works that way also but this is it's original form and the way I was introduced to it all those years ago.

The first part about accepting the things I cannot change has been very helpful.  It has helped me to stop and think about various situations I've been in and look at the parts I have power over and the parts that are out of my hands.  It can be an enlightening process!

Facebook has been a place I've had to put this into use many a time.  Facebook reminds me why I preferred the company of dogs to people when I was a kid.  People are a HUGE pain in the ass!!!  (Myself included)  HUGE!!!  Did I say HUGE???  Oh yeah, I did.

When I first started FB I was so excited to reconnect with friends and family I hadn't heard from in years!  All of a sudden I had regular contact with these people and it was wonderful!  And then it started getting annoying.  The endless misspellings, the religious and political comments, the stupid comments, food pictures and running minute by minute updates of some people's days and the many, many TMI moments, OMG!!!  As a whole, people are emotionally exhausting and all I was doing is sitting there reading comments!  

And then the dreaded thing happened...someone kicked me from their friends list.  OUCH!!!  I felt so hurt!  I wondered what I had done to offend them? What was it about me that was so off putting that they felt the need to delete me as a friend??? It felt like back in grade school when I'd be the only one in class who didn't get invited to the birthday party of the girl across the street and then when I got invited later only to find out it was because my Mom shamed her Mom into inviting me.  (Really happened - let's just say it wasn't the funnest b-day party I ever went to!)  I started wondering if I really wanted to bother with this FB thing!

So I pondered and here's what I came up with.  #1 main reason I'm on FB is to connect with my family and close friends.  For that reason I will stay on FB until something better comes along.  #2 it's MY FB and I will post what I want, when I want and will be willing to live with the consequences for doing so aka losing friends.  #3 if anyone who doesn't know me well wants to be friends, great!  That's gravy!  Bonus!  I like it!  If they don't like my humor, commentary, etc and decide to unfriend me, great, because clearly we weren't going to be good friends anyway if they couldn't handle me on FB.  

Here's the thing.  I cannot please everyone.  I'm not even vaguely interested in trying.  So this is where we get back to the serenity prayer thingy...pleasing everyone, especially those who barely know me, is not possible.  It is something I need to let go of.  

And here's the next thing...courage to change the things I can.  I'm going amend that slightly...if I choose to.  Recently I had what I thought was a joking discussion with a classmate.  The next morning I discovered I'd been unfriended by said classmate.  I reread the discussion and thought he was being rather sensitive, but debated making an apology.  I didn't intend to hurt his feelings after all but holy crap I just didn't think anything all that bad was said!  Still don't.  So I pondered.  I thought what if I do message him and apologize for hurting his feelings, then what?  I risk him wanting to be friends again?  On the one hand I'd like to leave it on a positive note because he seems like a good guy.  On the other hand, do I really want to potentially invite him in again when we couldn't even joke around on that fairly lightweight level?  I decided to let his decision stand and not say anything.  He is a sensitive person.  Obviously not thick skinned enough to spar with me tho he seemed determined to do so.  I chose not to change this ending.  He can call this one.  I'll abide by it.   I wish him well but we obviously aren't going to be besties so it's ok to let that go.  

That probably wasn't the best example since I decided NOT to change something I could have.  In each situation there are bits that you can change if you choose to do so.  This brings up another one of my little mottos that I live by "just because you can, doesn't mean you should".  It's good to think things through, think about potential results and what your goals are.  

Because of this serenity prayer I've learned the value of defining what I have power over and what I don't and acting or not acting accordingly.  The core thing I've learned from that process is that the only person you truly have control over (sort of) is yourself.  I say sort of because even your body can betray you sometimes.  Little things called cancer, heart disease, Parkinsons and stuff like that come to mind.  But really you only have control over yourself.  

This leads to the ability to change others tho how they'll change will once again be out of your control.  When you change your behavior they tend to be forced to change theirs.  For example, say you are in an abusive relationship.  Your partner is very controlling.  You don't like it so you begin to take steps by refusing to cooperate with his controlling ways.  In this situation the decision to change yourself is far from without risk!  Odds are good your partner will be willing to go to extreme measures to regain control and his sense of security.  So by changing yourself and your behavior, you have now caused a chain reaction that can go badly or better.  That was an extreme example but having gone thru it myself I'm familiar with the potential fallout from deciding to change even yourself.  There is a price to be paid for everything.  Small or large decisions.  I ended up divorced but better.  I think he is better now too.  It wasn't fun but in the end it worked out for my situation.  

I try not to enter into relationships with the thought of changing anyone anymore.  Even on FB.  I think people have the right to be accepted for who they are, just as they are.  If I can't accept them then we can't be friends.  If they can't accept me, same.  We shouldn't have to BE anything other than what we are, no matter how annoying we are.  That said, if you're really annoying you'd best be willing to pay the price for it aka loneliness.  If you're OK with that then it's all good!  Because you are exactly who you are, you should be aware that not everyone will embrace that.  I've personally felt the sting of rejection many, many times...many.  Many.  (tiny violin playing here)  People don't have to like you and you can't make them like you unless you lie your ass off about who you are and eventually they WILL figure out that you're a fraud.  (out of your hands - re-read prayer above).  It is a dance and only you can decide your dance moves.  The true gains and losses are out of your hands.  

I hope I'm making sense.  This has been formulating in my head for a bit so I figured it was time to jot it down.  

And here is a picture of Bill Murray!

Gratuitous Bill Murray shot!

I jogged! First time in many years...

I'm slamming my 2nd Diet Mountain Dew of the morning, cause I'm healthy like that!  I just got back from a morning jog.  I wanted to write about it quickly while it is still all fresh in my mind.  I did some jogging years ago and stopped because I have shitty knees and after a while I was limping everywhere and feeling like my thigh bones was going to slip off and slide down to into my shins.  Why am I trying this again?  I'm a glutton for punishment is all I can come up with!

It was raining this AM when I woke up so I pretty much talked myself out of jogging.  I did my puzzles, I caught up on my You Tube subscriptions, I checked twitter and had a heart palpitation for a second because Tom Barnard of the KQRS show has begun following me and I suddenly felt like I should tweet something!  Then I got over it because he probably follows tons of people and wouldn't notice if I never tweeted anything.  Pressure came back off.

I realized I didn't hear the pitter pat of rain on the roof anymore so decided I would do my jog.  I do have some reasons for trying jogging.  #1 I'm fat and want to get in better shape.  #2 I want to find better ways to deal with the stresses in my life than eating them, which is what I've been doing.  #3 I figured it'd give me some blogging material.

I put on some sweats that I figured wouldn't fall down as I ran, layered up, slapped on a baseball cap and drove off to Loch Ness Park in hopes that no one would be there so I could do this thing without an audience.  It's one thing to tell you all about it but another thing to have people thinking I'm on the verge of a stroke as I "jog" by because I'm wheezing and panting so hard!

I got out and it was still spitting rain.  I have been out in worse so pfft, here I go!

see?  spit!

Got there and was REALLY disappointed to see other cars!  DAMMIT!!  SHIT!  I had my excuse to turn around and go home but decided to stop being a pussy and do this thing!  So I started jogging.  I did a shuffle kind of jog because I recently saw a Nike commercial with a fat kid jogging like that and he'd lost a bunch of weight.  Like 30 some pounds!  I admired him and it also looked like something I could tolerate longer than a full out run.  At first it seemed to be going pretty well but it didn't take long before I was taking some ridiculously big breaths!  That's what I get for nurturing my marshmallow lifestyle so long!

My jiggly bits didn't bounce as badly as I'd thought they would, which was gratifying.  I kind of thought "things" might throw me off balance with the love handles bouncing one way and the boobs bouncing another and the thighs doing their own things!  Then I hit my first water barrier.  This is the crap that happens when you jog during a spring melt after a thunderstorm.

I developed a plan where I'd jog until I hit these water barriers and then take a breathing break while I walked around them.  I also admired some pretty red branches...

So I got back to jogging...which in reality is a fast shuffle with arms held up to look like a jog.  I only passed one guy and his dog on my jog and said "morning" and went on my way...he didn't ask if I was dying.  Whew!

So I jogged and jogged.  (Actually, this path is maybe a mile but for a marshmallow like me it seemed pretty endless)  I was starting to really look forward to those water barriers!  About 2/3rds of the way around the lake I started feeling like throwing up.  I also saw my first 2 robins, but scared them so didn't get a picture.  Robins, YAY!  So I waited a bit and got my urge to barf under control.  Then on I went.  At this point I was starting to feel stubborn with myself.  I wanted to walk but kept telling myself how I came here to JOG not go for a walk so fucking JOG already!!  So I jogged.

My jogging style was devolving.  I went past an office building and if anyone had looked out they might have thought a zombie was trying to jog because things were getting a little disjointed and it was getting to be more of a staggering shuffle than a jog.

I could see my car in the distance so decided to push myself to actually lift my feet and do this!  Jog, Jog I told myself!  Jog to the car!  Lift those feet up!  PUSH PUSH!!  And then I saw the dog guy coming around and knew I had to get to my car before he intercepted me and saw my beet red face and heard my wheezing and gasping!  The zombie jog was on full force at that point...made it!

I jumped into my car as fast as I could...didn't bother to take my purse out of my trunk...I just wanted to get out of there.  And then the stench hit me.  I had sweated!  GROSS!  This is part of the reason I'm not a fan of the gym because I hate being sweaty unless it's for some good sex.  And good sex sweat seems to smell good to me whereas exercise sweat, not so much!

I did it!  I jogged!  Not well, not fast, not far but I freaking jogged for about a mile!!!  And now I get to shower this icky sweat off!!  I might even jog again...this didn't go as badly as I thought it would.

Me, post jog, unwashed, sweaty, no make-up, beet red face and feeling all proud of myself!

On the drive home my calves started twitching, my ears were aching from the cold, my lungs feel like they worked.  Walking up the stairs to my house I started wondering if I was in for a cramp fest?  But everything has settled down while I wrote this entry.  It's all good!  I survived!  

It's been a bitch of a day today

Today has been a bitch.  

Let me recap this past year quickly that leads up to this culmination.  Last April my company fired my boss.  I liked working for Charles.  He valued my experience and wanted me to participate in decision making.  He ran afoul of the powers that be tho and they cut him loose.  I may have blogged about this at the time but it was painful for me.  I was pretty hurt by a number of things that happened at that time.  I don't want to rehash that.  

Well I was told that a replacement was coming in to be my new boss.  She was an expert in our accounting software, unlike Charles.  I was excited to learn from her tho I also felt I'd suddenly become obsolete, since I was the go-to person up until that point, if you needed help with the software.  So while I was sad about Charles I was excited about this new person coming on to show us a new way.

It didn't pan out like I'd hoped.  Toni (new boss) did not care for me.  I must admit the feeling was mutual.  She and I would NEVER be friends in the "real" world.  That aside, I tried to be professional about it.  She felt she needed to stomp on my neck to remind me who was boss.  I knew who was boss but apparently she didn't think I knew it well enough.  

I've spent the past year with a churning stomach, forcing myself to go to work each day because I need the paycheck and I do like my other co-workers.  As her abuse went on, I withdrew.  I wondered what I had done?  I thought I had done a great job for the company but this?  Maybe this was their way of pushing me out the door?  I felt the axe hovering.  My stomach churned, my hands shook when I was responding to her all caps emails that implied she thought I was stupid.  Over and over again.  I hoped I could keep my job long enough!

I figured everyone else must love Toni and it was just me so for a long time I suffered in silence.  I would try to be upbeat and positive dealing with her, knowing that I can't change others but I can change myself.  I tried!  She seemed to take my attempts to be friendly or human as invites to attack.  I found that I didn't communicate with her any longer unless she initiated it because I couldn't bring myself to invite abuse.  My hands would literally shake when I had to deal with her because I couldn't seem to manage my fight or flight response anymore.  I began to worry if the stress level was going to have a negative impact on my health.

One day, after a particularly miserable week, I emailed my co-worker and dared to say I wished she was my boss instead of Toni.  She used to be on a par with me when Charles was around but was promoted upon his exit.  I missed her!  She was busy with her new role and we hadn't spoken much since the changes came into play.  I felt very isolated.  

I discovered, once we started talking, that Toni was NOT loved amongst our co-workers.  In a way it helped.  She was hateful and bullied most anyone.  It wasn't just me!  It still sucked tho.

Then she fired my idiot compatriot in TX.  I mean, she was a nice woman but not the brightest bulb and I'd found her to be inept for years but Charles had been protecting her.  Toni didn't.  Toni took care of business.  And Toni hired a friend of hers to replace this woman.  yay.  Now I'd slipped a bit further down the totem pole.  I knew I was at the bottom of the pile in this pecking order.

Some backstory...I was hired to manage billing staff.  Before the recession I was a manager and had people working for me.  I managed work flow and trained staff.  Charles treated me with respect because he'd hired me to take care of the billing dept in the MN office.  He trusted me to make decisions without him having to be involved unless I was unsure of something.  When Toni came on she was clear with me that she didn't care about my background.  I was now a billing clerk instead of a billing manager.  I was now excluded from meetings and not part of the decision making process.  I was not management staff anymore.  I was rarely  awarded an explanation for what I was told to do.  If I dared to ask why she would say to DO IT and no explanation would be offered.  I was obsolete now and my status severely reduced.  It stung. 

I'd realized pretty quickly that Toni and I weren't going to be a good match.  This spurred me on to work on getting my house ready to go on the market.  If I can just get my house sold I can move wherever I want and start fresh!  This is a good thing that came out of this other painful stuff.  I'd realized I wasn't interested in being part of this new "team" at CMA.  I wanted out!

I carefully mentioned my concerns about my job security with all the changes to the MN director, hoping for some reassurance...asking him if there was more I could do to help staff because I wanted to keep my job.  Instead of the usual response "your job is secure" I got "We hope you keep your job here too".  I felt a loss of support and felt on my own.  This was part of what led me to my withdrawl.  I'm not a super social person in the first place so I bet mostly no one noticed it but I spent my days working and hoping Toni would leave me in peace to avoid stress.  My best days were when Toni didn't contact me for anything.  

When she came to town she ignored me.  The owner once wanted me to meet some legal staff and there was Toni, giving me the hairy eyeball because she didn't think I needed to be meeting anyone...I was a billing specialist...I didn't matter.  She honestly acted offended that he bothered!  She didn't think I should be introduced to anyone.  It was incredibly uncomfortable!  I got the point.  

So this past year has been all about getting my house ready for market so I can give notice, make some changes and get on with my life!  

There are a lot of complex emotions that go into making big life changes like selling a house, leaving friends/family to start fresh someplace new.  It's been a complex year for me emotionally!

Well there has been some strange culminations cropping up on me the past couple weeks.  On a recent day, the entire office was informed that we were ALL receiving pay cuts.  Again.  This happened last time around this time of year also.  We were told that later we'd find out how much our pay cuts would be.  Joy.  The past few years I've had no raises.  Just pay cuts and restorations.  I figured here we go again.  Same old, same old.  I was bummed but it has become something I'm used to.

Then there was an email from Toni saying she wanted me to pack up some of my projects and send them down the new billing gal in TX.  She'd be taking over because she didn't have enough to do.  I don't either, to be honest, but I sure as fuck wouldn't tell Toni that - it'd be an open invitation to be fired!  I need this job for now!  So I had some weird feelings about this.  Part of me was dreading having less work to do and another part of me was thinking it was time to hand some of this off since I'm planning on leaving as soon as I can anyway.  Why hang on?  In fact, I had the urge to offer to let her take more but worried I'd be tipping my hand so I resisted.  Toni seemed surprised that I took it like a good sport.  Maybe I should have resisted a bit?  I don't care enough any more.  Fuck it.

The next day, my pal (the one who got promoted) told me that changes were in the works as far as Toni's status.  She told me to act dumb if the director mentioned it.  I did when he did.  But what he said indirectly confirmed what she'd said.  One of the other things she said was she'd told the owners that I was job hunting.  Apparently this upset them.  Flattering but hey, I'm not job hunting.  I have looked a bit but since the recession, pay options SUCK and it'd be hard to replace this job at this pay rate.  At least I got my last raise BEFORE the recession.  The recession has fucked everyone pretty well.  Even if you can get a job, good luck with getting what you used to make!  It's an employer's market.  They have the power right now.  Too many desperate folks still needing work.  No body is going to get paid worth a shit until this economy picks up.  So no, I have not been looking.  I've just come to work every day and hoped to be left alone to work in peace.  I have given up on any aspirations of being anything beyond a billing clerk at this company. Toni wouldn't have it any other way!  At least I'm a well paid billing clerk since they didn't reduce my pay to match my apparent, but not formalized, reduced status in the company.  

So the past couple of days I've had upper management stopping by to tell me how much they value me and how they want me to stay and hope I'll hang in there with them because things will get better soon.  The owner stopped by this AM to give the same message and even seemed choked up about it!  I have been feeling incredibly guilty because I still plan to head my merry way.  I've had enough.  I have a bright new future waiting for me in another state.  No pay cuts and no shitty, nasty bosses that make me miserable.  I do like everyone except for Toni so I was feeling incredibly bad about my plans.  Guilty!  Thinking how they will hate me when the time comes but how, in order to protect myself, I can't admit to my plans.  What if the house doesn't sell this summer and I have to stay longer than I'm hoping?  I can't tip my hat yet.  

And then the icing hit.  I asked the director what my actual pay cut would be since he'd said he'd talk to all of us and here is was, Thursday and it had been almost a whole week with no word!  He came in apologizing and showed me the cut.  It's over double what it's ever been before.  It knocks about $250 out of my monthly income. OUCH!  THIS HURTS!!  

I revamped my budget quickly to see the impact.  I could survive ok.  Whew.  But it would slow down reducing my debt big time.  I put a good face on and got thru the rest of my day.  The way home was another story.

I'm driving along and thinking about all of this.  Thinking about this past year of churning guts and shaking hands.  Of feeling obsolete and unsupported.  Of having a woman relish implying I'm stupid if I dare to ask her how she wants anything done.  Of stopping talking to people at work unless necessary.  Feeling betrayed and unwanted because of my association with Charles.  Then, more recently, all the heartfelt "we need you, we want you, hang in there with us" and then the finale, the twice the normal fucking pay cut.  Being forced to being an investor with no hope of return.  That is my reward for this past year of misery.  Thanks.  

I finally cried.  I've cried a lot today.  Seems like once you start it gains momentum.  Then you think you're done and there you go again!  I need this to stop by tomorrow because I have to go to work again and pretend everything is ok.  I need to stuff down my toxic feelings again and get thru another day.  And another and another until certain things come to pass and I can finally plan my exit.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I'm hoping it will be less painful than this past year has been.  I had it good for a while with this company.  I'm grateful for that.  I'm grateful I have a job and a regular paycheck!  I'm paying for it in more ways than my time and effort.  

I'm blogging this because I'm hoping to exercise some demons, so to speak.  There can be no crying at work tomorrow.  This has to go somewhere so instead of stuffing it and letting it give me stomach troubles I'm trying to spew it out.  I need to stay for now.  And luckily I like most of the people I work with.  And since I started talking to people I don't feel so betrayed and I know most are happy I'm there with them.  But this relationship is broken.  I'm tired of feeling like this.  I can do it for however long is necessary tho to achieve my goals.