I will never be a fashionista. I can live with that!

I love clothes!  In fact, I'm planning on shopping for some today.  I'm not super happy about it though.  It's because one of my favorite shirts is finally dying and I need to find a replacement.  Or two.

I will never be a fashionista.

I love my clothes to death.  At least my favorites.  The others...meh.  For example, I recently decided it was time to replace my "pajamas".  I say "pajamas" because it's actually an old swimsuit pullover probably from the late 80's.  It's an oversized black shirt that hangs off the shoulder, Flashdance style.  Some of you will get what that means.  Anyway, it's extremely comfy for sleeping in and doesn't restrict my movements in anyway!

It's hit a new level of being threadbare...

I see the light!!!

I'm rather amazed it hasn't fallen apart yet!  I bought 2 actual pajamas to replace this.  One was a tshirt/pants set and the other a silky gown.  Silky gown works well but the cotton pj pants are freaking annoying!  They catch on my sheets and create issues with my tossing and turning!  I've worn them once.  They may never be worn again.

I was going to throw out my old jammies but never got around to it.  Guess who keeps wearing the old jammies every night still?  Well, it isn't Ken.

Today is hopefully the day I find a shirt to replace my beloved blue lace shirt.

I love the neckline!

This shirt is one of my favorites!  It's nothing special really but I like the color and the neckline.  It's comfortable and doesn't cling to my middle.  That is a bonus!  It used to be bright aqua blue but now it's faded.  It has sprouted a tiny hole in the fabric on the tummy.  I'm so sad!  It's wearing out!  Noooooo!!!

The other day I went to Walmart and Target to try to find something similar.  I found a bunch of pretty shirts but tried them on and discovered that they were almost all fabrics that clung.  Sorry guys but until I get my gut back under control I'm not remotely interested in flaunting it!  And another thing! Just because I don't want clingy clothes doesn't mean I want to wear tents.  Hear me?  I DON'T WANT TO WEAR TENTS.  There can be a happy medium.  Not at Target or Walmart but it exists.  Target and Walmart don't get that about bigger women.  You have to go elsewhere to get more tailored items.  Not that my beloved blue shirt is tailored.  But it works.  It's the right fabric and cut.  It has worked thru slim and not so slim times.  It's my kind of shirt!  The next shirt has some big shoes to fill!

Speaking of shoes...that's another area where I love things to death.  I have annual favorites.  Every spring I buy some canvas tennis shoes and cheapy flip flops and wear them to death.  

 I still have the laces in these.  Soon those will go because who has time to tie shoelaces?

I am thinking I need some flip flops with low heels on them this summer.  I'll have to keep an eye out for them when I'm out shopping today.

I have a pair of low heeled pumps I need to replace sooner rather than later.  I love my pumps!  I've loved them to death!  Whenever I shop for another pair I want the exact same shoes.  I haven't found them yet.  I probably never will.  I'm going to mourn these.  I should probably quit wearing them.  They are semi-retired now but linger on.

I adore these shoes!!

I have a couple of other favorites I'll mention.  First up is my bathrobe.  I got the thing for $5 at a Goodwill store years ago when I was shopping for a Halloween Costume.  It's a man's robe.  Pierre Cardin label.  Heavy terry cloth in dark blue.  It's like a coat.  A long snuggly coat!  I LOVE the thing!  It has lasted years now and shows no sign of an end in sight.  Nothing pretty or feminine about it but I love the thing.  I hope it lasts forever!

Last but sooooo not least, is my sweater.  I don't remember when I got the sweater.  I've had it for many years.  It is the pinnacle of comfort for me.  It's part of my after work uniform all winter, every winter or on a cool night even in the summer.  Every now and then I catch Lacey wearing it.  She gets the allure.  There's just something about a sweater that has loosened up to the point where it doesn't restrict and only warms you.  My mother understands also.  It was dying a couple years ago and I was grieving it.  She took it home with her and sewed up the holes and put it to rights so it can last longer.  She mailed it back to me like a treasured object.  The fact that my mother understood the value of this old raggedy sweater and put her time and love into it makes it ever more of a comfort and more important to me than it was before!  Most folks wouldn't understand.  They'd just see a snagged up raggedy sweater.  I see comfort and love and am always glad to put it on.

my snagged up, beloved raggedy sweater

Mom sewed this pocket up

She sewed this elbow up too - my granddaughter Penelope loves to pull on the snaggle strings

I love clothes.  I love clothes that make me feel comfortable and warm and loved.  I love happy colors and the occasional girly detail.  I love clothes that I feel good wearing but don't distract me and help me do whatever I want to do in comfort.

I will never be a fashionista.  

I can live with that!

Stairs, pasta knees and stupidmares

I just did the stairs again. 

I did them yesterday in a moment of inspiration about how good it would be for me and since they were right by the ladies room, why the heck not?

I clambered up them quite easily. 

I was panting a bit after that but not too bad.  Went back to work at my desk, feeling good about getting a quick bit of exercise. 

Later I had to get up to make a copy and discovered that my knees were a lot like cooked pasta.  I had to move somewhat slowly to avoid the embarrassment of staggering.  My knees stayed like cooked pasta for most of the afternoon.  I went for a mall walk after work to try to work them out and get them back to normal.  Mission was pretty well accomplished by the time I got home last night.

This morning I woke up to aching calves.  Every time I need to stand up and walk I suppress a groan of discomfort.  So I figured, since I was already sore, why not compound that by giving myself pasta knees again? 

So off I gimped to the stairs.  And up the stairs I went!  By the 4^th floor my speed was ok but I was starting to pant.  By the 5^th floor I was moving rather slowly. 

Then I turned around to go back down.  This is the harder part for me.  My knees have never been great for going down stairs.  I screwed them up with torn ligaments back in middle school and they never totally recovered.  I cautiously went back down the stairs, gripping the rail just in case. 

As I went I was praying no one else would come into the stairwell because the echo effect of my heavy breathing might scare them.  Luckily no one else joined me. 

Whew! 

Now I want to tell you about my night last night!

I watched Vikings on the History Channel.  I was horrified by an execution and deeply regretted watching that before bed time.  I’ll admit I spent part of that show with my eyes squeezed shut, peeking to see if it was over yet.  And yet I watched.  I saw too much. 

At least I didn’t have nightmares.  Instead I had stupidmares! 

I dreamt that Ben and I and Ralph Fiennes were walking down a gravel road…it was like historical.  Like I was back in the 20’s or something.  Don’t ask me why I think that.  It just felt that way. 

Ralph stayed behind at some place where he found some old machine that he thought was special.  It looked like an inanimate R2D2 to me but he was terribly excited about it.  Ben & I went on to this “hotel” that looked more like an unpainted prop shanty out of an old western, to wait for Ralph to catch up with us. 

Ben and I started doing shots of whiskey.  I spent most of my time trying to make sure our shot glasses were even.  For some reason it was difficult to do.  I also remember thinking it was probably a bad idea to do whiskey shots first thing in the morning. 

Occasionally my mind would pan back to Ralph Fiennes as he fixed up his stupid machine, cleaning, painting it and putting fresh decals on it and such and looking up to the heavens and laughing with joy.  He was seriously over-emoting.   

Oh, on a side note the “hotel” was supposedly haunted though none of us saw any reason to know that but there it is. 

At least I didn’t dream of hideous executions.  That’s something! 

I was honestly a little bit sad when I woke up this morning.  I kind of liked that dream.

 

More snow, I miss Rusty and drive carefully!

Ok, I'm tired and should be going to bed right now but my mind is busy, busy so going to write a little quick.  Not about much...just that it's going to snow a bunch again in the next day or so.  Starts tomorrow I believe.  I tell myself it's not a big deal because it's going to melt this weekend.

probably what my commute will look like, only not as neat and tidy

Oh the lies I tell myself sometimes!!!

It's fucking depressing.

Sigh.

At least I didn't put away my shovel yet.  Or my boots.  And my salt damaged leather gloves can have another go before they are permanently retired.  Hopefully my back will hold out.

I hope this is the last one for the season.

On another note I listened to Tom Barnard's podcast with Rusty Gatenby.  I've missed that ginger on Channel 5!  I don't watch them much anymore.  I think Channel 5 overreacted.  My opinion.  Plus now it's just another boring TV channel.  I watched 5 because of Patrick and Rusty.  Now they are both gone and I'm left with the typical blah, blah, blah talking heads.  No longer matters which channel I get morning news from.  None of them have any personality.  Also my opinion.

I'm not ok with drunk driving.  It's horribly dangerous and I'm glad he didn't hurt anyone or get himself hurt by doing it.

It's a tough one.  I feel for the guy.  His life got blown up because of this bad judgment call.  I'm glad no one else's life got blown up over it.  We have seen the results of this kind of thing and they don't always turn out relatively harmless.  It's fucking serious people!!!  DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE!!!

EVER!!!!!!

DON'T DO IT!!!

It can ruin your life.  It can ruin other lives.  Hopefully, as in Rusty's case, only temporarily and he'll never do anything so stupid again, but sometimes you're done.  Fin.  Kapoot.

Ever have a moment where you realize you're going to have to die?  I have them once in a while.  Shove them back down as quick as possible!  I mean, we all know we have to but it sucks to dwell on it and won't improve quality of life to do so.  Well, keep it in mind as the weather goes to shit again for the next couple of days.  Let's not rush to meet the reaper.

Drive careful ok?

Here's a gratuitous pic of Bill Murray just for the hell of it.

Boredom and ME ME and a little more ME...cause ME...cause bored. Yup.

Last month was an uninspiring month. 

I am a lazy writer and typically wait for a post to start processing in my brain before I write it down.  Don’t know if my brain was on autopilot all month or what but nothing inspired me to write a blog post. 

My inspiration today is sheer, utter, desperate boredom.

I could never be the writer of much beyond the occasional blog post because I’m not disciplined enough.  At 50 years of age, doubt I will gain any extra discipline during the downhill slide. 

Today I’m uninspired.  I’m writing because it’s slow at work and I’m desperate for something to do to pass some time so I can keep bringing home the bacon.  I am salaried only if I work OT.  If I work less than 40/week I’m hourly.  They call me salaried but nah…I don’t think it really counts.  I’m actually hourly, not to exceed.  That’s what it is.  Not salary…HNTE. 

I make a decent living so can’t complain too much.  I can pay my bills, put tons of money into my money pit of a house and still take an occasional trip to visit my boyfriend in UT.  I’m living large! 

Sorry for the sarcasm there.  It leaks out sometimes. 

I’ve lived worse.  I’ve used to have to choose between cigarettes and a jug of milk back in the day.  Guess which won? 

I hate being bored.

I took a test to find out what my personality is.  Because I don’t know.  Well, because I’m bored really.  I know. 

My Personality Type is “THE DESIGNER”

Whoa!  (upon reading further I realize I don’t really get why I’m called a designer…)

• Designers are emotionally reactive, which means that they experience their emotions strongly and can be very passionate, however they also have a higher tendency to experience emotions such as anxiety, anger and depression. Due to their independence and reserve, sometimes the Designer can be perceived as arrogant or unfriendly, however this is merely because they don't require the same level of social stimulation or interaction that others may seek. The Designer enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy, they are mostly aware of and in touch with their emotions. Being open-minded to new and unusual ideas helps them to interact with the world. With a healthy skepticism of the motives of others, and a belief in justice and being self made, sometimes the Designer can come across as guarded or intimidating. However the Designer has a refreshing impulsiveness about them, they tend to dislike too many rules and regulations and can be casual and whimsical.

I do think the description is a decent fit despite the stupid name. 

• You very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind, however you feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. Generally you are not considered to be an emotional person, however you are aware of and in touch with your emotions.

This is pretty accurate also.  I am usually calm and reasonably happy.  I agree with that. This also explains my weight problem. 

• People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You are an active group participant but usually prefer to let someone else be the group leader. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You are likely to take risks and seek thrills. You have a generally cheerful disposition.
• Often you find the real world is too plain and ordinary for your liking, and you use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world for yourself. You are reasonably interested in the arts but are not totally absorbed by them. You are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. You find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. As a person who is open-minded to new and unusual ideas, you love to play with and think about ideas. You also like to debate intellectual issues and often enjoy riddles, puzzles and brain teasers. Often you exhibit a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. Sometimes you feel a certain degree of hostility toward rules and perhaps even enjoy ambiguity.

I wonder how many people will wade thru this to this point?  If you know me well you already know most of this stuff.  Maybe.  Sometimes I’m surprised by what people think about me.  When they actually tell me.  I don’t go around asking.  Usually.  Unless something is really bothering me and I am curious to know how I come across.  I know I’m not easy for some people to take.  I’m not everyone’s cup o’ tea! 

• You mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You will help others if they are in need. You do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important. You feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgements based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy.

They misspelled judgments.  That’s annoying.  If you’re going to put yourself out there as some sort of personality expert, learn how to spell!

They didn’t catch that I’m the spelling police.  I am.  Even on myself.

Itchy?

Is anyone else out there itchy? 


Deep winter is making me VERY uncomfortable again.  You know, deep winter?  When the air is so dry is sucks every bit of moisture out of your hide no matter how much you moisturize? 


I've tried moisturizing soaps.  I've tried skipping showers.  I've tried various and sundry lotions.  I use benign laundry soap/fabric softeners.  I sit here scratching.  My back itches.  My tummy itches.  My scalp.  In the bend of my elbow.  The backs of my knees. 


I try, unsuccessfully, to not scratch in public, so people don't think I have a skin disease or something.  I just can't stand it!!


I sometimes close my eyes and try to meditate the itch away.  Haven't had much success with that yet. 


My favorite part of the day is when I can come home, strip down as much as possible and switch to super saggy soft unstructured clothes that barely touch me and then scratch my hide with my hair brush.  AHHHHHH!!!  I swear that this time of year, if I had to choose between a good scratching session and a great orgasm I'd opt for the scratching session!


Sometimes scratching that itch can be a downright super fantastic feeling!!! 


I can't wait to be sweaty.  I want moist, well moisturized skin again!


Sigh.


Go away winter...

"The Walk"

Last week I decided to start mall walking.  I’d recently gone out with a girlfriend to wander around the mall and chit chat.  By the end of that excursion…maybe about 2 hours worth…my back was stiff and aching, my calves were tight and sore and I had a painful blister on the side of my right foot so was limping.  I felt OLD. 

I’ve had some back problems recently.  I’ve been very careful trying to avoid causing further damage.  I've started to question the wisdom of that after my painful shopping excursion.  Maybe instead of protecting myself so much I should be strengthening myself to heal my back problems.

I’m too young to feel so old after doing so little!! 

I decided walking would be a good way to get my muscles exercising and hopefully strengthen my core so that my back would get better. 


On Monday I went shopping and bought some good New Balance tennis shoes.  I’d tried on other brands and had weird lumps in strange places that I figured would lead to more blisters so went back to my comfy default…New Balance.   JCP had them on sale!

On Tuesday I started mall walking.  I powered thru it pretty good!  Was feeling proud of myself!   Literally patting myself on the leg for doing it on my drive home!  My calves were complaining so I figured that was a good sign. 

I chatted with Ken about my adventures that evening and he suggested getting a pedometer app for my phone so that I could measure my progress, so I started investigating.  I found one called “The Walk” that niggled in the back of my brain for a while, but since it was $4.99 I held back.  It seemed a little expensive for an app.  I'm cheap about some things.

Anyway, I kept doing the mall walk every day.  My calves kept bitching which drove me on because I figured sooner or later they’d stop bitching and that would mean I’d made progress. 

By Friday I realized I was going to get super sick of mall walking if I didn’t come up with some sort of distraction (mall walking is incredibly boring for those who go it alone).  That night I finally decided to splurge and spend the $4.99 for “The Walk” and try it out. 

On Saturday I was there at the mall, with ear plugs and my app ready to go!  


My ear plugs didn’t work.  I was walking around wondering why I wasn’t hearing anything...why it seemed muffled.  Took them out and realized that the reason the sound was muffled was that it was blaring out of my phone and not thru the plugs!  I almost walked into several people trying to solve the problem to no avail.  I finally gave up and held the phone up to my ear to listen while I walked.  That was a struggle for a couple of reasons.  First, the mall was busy and there was a lot of white noise around me.  Second, the characters in “The Walk” have Scottish and model accents, which are a bit hard to understand thru the white noise and the various distractions. 

Here’s background on “The Walk”

A bomb explodes in Inverness station, and you’re given a package that could save the world. To stay alive, you’ll need to walk the length of the UK. The Walk is more than just a great pedometer/step counter — it's a way to turn walking into a journey, a challenge, and a rip-roaring adventure.

During this walk I realized that a single pass around the mall only took me about 15 minutes.  15 whole minutes.  15 minutes that had been making my calves bitch at me for days!  Sigh.  I was an even worse marshmallow than I’d suspected!  I hadn’t realized it was such a quick walk until the app told me…and here I’d been feeling all proud of myself, aside from the older folks who’d been powering past me on their mall walk circuits!  The good news is that my calves finally quit bitching over the weekend. 

I went home Saturday and played with my phone and finally realized that I needed to push the ear plug cord in HARDER for it to work.  <eye roll>  I have experienced a lot of personal shame recently.

Sunday I went for my mall walk with the ear plugs working and I did a double circuit (30 minutes!) and actually understood the story line from “The Walk” because I could hear it!  No complaining calves and no discomfort!  Definitely making progress :)


I restarted episode one since I missed a turn off and wanted to get the sound byte from it and also realized I'd missed some points of interest.  It's more walking so that's fine with me. 

It’s Monday again and I can’t wait to go do my mall walk after work!  How’s that for progress?  “The Walk” is a big part of the reason for that.  Once I could finally focus on the story line I started enjoying it and couldn’t wait to get farther along to open up another dialogue.  I was mentally imagining how funny it would be if I play acted the story out!  Sneaking here and there...running for cover from bombs…ducking bullets!  Part of my enjoyment of the story is the mental image of how others would react if I started running and ducking and sneaking into places in the mall to hide J 

I recommend "The Walk" to all bored walkers out there! 


I'm looking forward to some spring weather so I can take this walk outside and enjoy the fresh air!

Bras vs. Bandaids - if you don't want to think about boobs avoid this post!

Gasp!  My boob just fell out of the bottom of my bra!  At work!!


There.


I discreetly tucked my boob back into my bra without anyone seeing me. 


Whew!


I don't like bras very much.  Honestly?  The minute I get home I switch to a shirt that won't show so much (like a t-shirt under a sweat shirt) so I can get the damned thing off as quickly as possible! 


I hate being squeezed around the ribs.  I really do!  It's awful!  It's like jail!


That's why my boob just fell out of my bra at work.  Not cool!  I'm wearing my most comfy, sloppy, loose hanging bra possible.  I know.  TMI.  But it's my blog and I get to talk about what I want to.  Many women will get this. 


Some women love bras!  I am NOT one of those women.  I find them horribly uncomfortable and restricting.  Who wants to wear a tight band around their ribs all day?  Not me!  My BF isn't around.  I have no one to impress.  He wouldn't care if I went without a bra anyway unless it turned into an embarrassing incident and then, knowing him, he'd probably just laugh at me and never let me forget it!


Personally, I'm aiming for comfort.  I buy a bra and loosen everything up as much as possible.  As a result the straps tend to slide down my arms on a semi-regular basis.  It's obnoxious but the alternative is having something tight over my shoulders and around my ribs and that does NOT appeal to me in the slightest.  So I tug them up.  Well I was just tugging the strap up when my boob fell out the bottom.  And my male co-workers were standing outside my office door waiting for their cohort to join them for lunch!  Very bad timing for one of the girls to escape!


I miss the old days when they were smaller.  I went braless a lot back then because it wasn't so obvious.  Now it's kind of cow like.  I shouldn't be so mean really.  They aren't that bad.  But they move around a lot now.  Kind of hard to hide them when they are be-bopping around independently.


When I started having mammograms in my 30's the techs would complain about how hard it was to squish them flat for pictures.  Now they are quite content as my boobs are totally cooperative.  They'll go flat without much of a struggle!  They have gotten older and less firm just like me.  Bummer.


Even when I was young and they were smaller and perky, I hated bras.  Underwires dig into your ribs.  I used to remove them the instant I got the bra.  Now I don't.  Sadly, now the girls need the extra support. 


Now my mind is wandering to that one time, after I'd stopped nursing my child and thought the milk was dried up so went motorcycle riding without a bra on.  And got an embarrassing wet t-shirt for my troubles!  Nice big circles around the nipples so it wasn't even a hot wet t-shirt! 


I like my boobs but they are often a pain!  I envy men their lack of boobs some days.  Well they have boobs but most will never wear a bra.  Some will but that's another story...


Anyway, there was a point to this.  Back when I had smaller boobs (they got bigger when I got heavier - no boob jobs - too cheap for that plus I hear it hurts real bad and I'm not into pain for beauty.  I'll live with what I got.)  Detoured again...I figured the only reason I needed a bra was to keep me from showing if I got nipped from a chill breeze or some such.  So one day I got the bright idea of putting those little round Band-Aids on my nipples to hold them down.  I'd heard male joggers do this to avoid chaffing. 


It worked like a charm!  No nippler incidents that day and the girls were still firm enough not to be caboodling hither and yon independently so it was working for me.  I thought I'd figured out how to beat the bra rule!  At least until I got home that night and tried to take the Band-Aids off.  HOLY GODS!!!  That was NOT FUN!!!  Trying to even get an edge up to grip to peel was a challenge and then peeling them off the nipples??  I've had waxing sessions that were less painful!!  I quit waxing and went back to shaving so you can get how well I tolerate that kind of pain.  Maybe I am a wimp like my chiropractor intimated?  Anyway, I never did the Band-Aid trick again and I think joggers who do this are masochists. 


Moral of the story...never put round Band-Aids on your nipples.  Unless you're a masochist.


Secondary moral of the story (because it's not painful)...I'm going to be more careful about the level of force used to tug my straps back up. 


You didn't really think I was going to wear my bra tighter did you?  Ick.

Thinking about mortality

The recent past has been full of reminders of mortality for me.  I can’t go into much detail to protect other's privacy.  The people who need to know, do.  That has to be enough.  But I want to try to write about it somehow, in a way that won’t expose someone else’s private business.

I feel unsettled. 

Life is so much kinder when it gives you a break from the specter of death…when it allows you the illusion that you and your loved ones will all live to a ripe old age.  It’s a comfortable place to be isn’t it? 

Then life slams you to the ground and reminds you that we can all be taken away in a moment.  This day that you’re living?  It might be the best day you’ll have in your life.  Tomorrow things could change and everything after will carry a stabbing sliver of pain in it. 

You’ll adjust to the loss.  You have to.  It's how life works!  I’ve lost loved ones.  I’ve grieved with my friends as they’ve lost loved ones. 

Then you learn to live without them.  You never forget them but you learn to move on.  You are forever changed.

You think you’re doing well and then something will trigger a memory and it will all wash over you again.  But it’ll bring a sad sort of joy to have them back with you when that happens.  They sit in the background so that we can go on with the tedium of our lives but every now and again they jump to the front and remind us that we loved them and that they loved us.

It’s painful to remember.  Wonderful and painful at the same time.  Yet you can never regret having any of them in your life.  There is a price to pay for loving people.  The more people you love, the higher the chances are that you’ll pay this price.  Nothing is free.

It’ll be worth every bit of it. 

Right now I want to go back to my illusions of immortality.  I want the fear of loss and the heartache to fade so I can return to my inane, tedious little life where I piss and moan about traffic or annoying things or car repairs.  I miss my comfortable illusion.  I’m waiting patiently for it to return.  Hoping life cooperates.

Just to be on the safe side? 

Family, friends...I REALLY love you guys!!!  You make life worth living and I hope to keep all of you with me for years and years and years!  I hope to stay with you as long too! 

50

I’m going to be 50 years old tomorrow.

Personally I don’t mind this.  It’s some of the things that come along with it that I’m not enjoying that much. 

I’m less bendy.  Recently I’ve had two unpleasant sessions with back problems, one of which I blogged about here earlier this month, the other was triggered by stooping to scrape some food into the garbage.  HOW DARE I STOOP?  <face slap>  For heaven’s sake, I’m almost 50…if I stoop I must be punished by my spine!  I’m going to keep this clean so will not launch into a swearing tirade about my spine.  I’m not friendly with it at the moment.  I'd like a divorce but can't handle being that floppy.

Two weeks in a row of pain, missed (unpaid) work and numerous chiropractic visits.  It’s been over a week since the last spasm so doing ok but still feel stiff and sore.  In essence, I’m feeling old and creaky.  It’s one thing to turn 50.  It’s another thing to feel like you’re 80 while you’re doing it. 

The reason I say 80 is because I learned this weekend that my Dad, at 73, is more limber than I am at the moment.   Made me a bit gloomy about my future if I don’t get myself in better shape!  I think I’m going to try yoga and see if I can restore some flexibility.  Things hurt so I protect them and in doing so I think I’m making it worse.  I expect I’ll find out if I’m wrong about that if I do some yoga.  We'll see.  It's more blogging material if it doesn't go well so there's a silver lining for you.

I’m in the menopause zone!  Or is it perimenopause?  Who knows but Huzzah!  I have hot flashes and PMS.  Fun times.

I could eat a horse or two.  If they were made of chocolate I could.  Last night I ate a semi-dried out amaretto cupcake because Lacey ate the last of the pre-b’day cake before I realized I had a craving.  Survival of the fittest at my house when it comes to cake!  Looking back on it, it seems rather pitiful.  But while it might have been dry and a bit chewy (not quite dusty) the flavor was good!

Those lovely hot flashes are such fun…standing there washing dishes with sweat dripping into your eyes.  Having to stand in front of the fan flapping your shirt to cool off because you’re drenched in sweat.  In January.  When it's a hundred degrees below zero. 

And night sweats.  Oh yeah baby!  Nothing better than getting up to pee and then crawling back into a bed with damp sheets during the winter time.  Nosiree!  Nothing is much better than that! 

And the peeing…it’s a rare night where I just SLEEP all night long.  Sadly I don’t think I can blame that on PMS or menopause.  I should probably not drink anything after 6 PM or some crap like that.  Pfft.  Like that’s going to happen!

Right now I’m rather bitchy.  I can blame that on PMS OR menopause.  I have options!  Let’s just say I don’t think I should have to take responsibility.  I’m hormonally insane.  Not my fault.  It's natural! (This could work for me)

Time for a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray.  Some will understand...

The perfect shitstorm hit me this morning

I was off work yesterday because of back problems.  Rather strange ones actually...I'd try to get dressed and have a severe spasm that would leave me gasping for air and feeling like I had a charlie horse going around my rib cage.  Then it would settle down and aside from an ache I'd feel pretty good.  I'd start thinking I was just being a big baby...it wasn't so bad and I'd try to get dressed and it would hit again and I'd be left crying and cuddling my heating pad. 


That was my day.  Ibuprofen, heating pad and laying down most of the time.  I couldn't even play World of Warcraft because sitting up for any time span hurt.


I put a call into my chiropractor.  He's semi-retired so only open on M/W/F.  I figured I'd play it safe and get in there first thing in the morning and then head off to work with my spinal problems solved.  It was a plan.


This morning I woke with the ache but it was tolerable.  I got ready for work and waited for my chiropractor's call.  He called at 9 AM and said he could see me as soon as I could get there.  YAY!  Life was about to get better!

I put on my coat, grabbed my purse and my lunch and turned the knob on the front door and pulled.  It didn't open.  I tried repeatedly.  It didn't open.  I bent down and realized that the thingy that goes into the door jamb was ignoring the turning knob.  I'm like, are you kidding me???  NOW????  Oh for crying out loud!


So I grab my power drill.  Can't get it at the screws - bad angle. 


I go digging in my tool box and get the Phillips and take the door knob off.  The other side clunks down to the floor and now I can see thru the hole in my door.  And I still can't get the thingy that goes into the jamb to get out of the jamb. 


I'm locked in my house!


Then the mother of all back spasms hits.  I'm suddenly in so much pain life becomes a blur.  I stand and pant for a few minutes realizing that now I REALLY need the chiropractor and I'm going to have to climb out my back door to get to him. 


I live in a mobile home.  I don't have stairs at my back door, hence the word "climb". 


So I find a rag to stuff into the hole in the front door.  Not like anyone can break in right?  I couldn't even get out!  Just trying to cut down on my heat bill while I'm gone. 


I know I'm now going to be wading thru snow drifts to get to the front of my house so I need to change out of my work shoes.  I kick them off and step into my snow boots, which I can't tie because I'm in too much pain and it's just impossible to manage.  At least I have boots on. 


I slowly, with much gasping and tears, manage to get myself out the back door. 


The spasm is REALLY not happy that I didn't run to the heating pad and I have to force myself to inhale against the vice grip around my mid-section.  I'm standing there, in the snow drifts, with my boots untied, gasping for air.  I take a few steps and have to pant a bit more.  I come around the corner and realize that my car was moved down the street last night so it wouldn't be towed since they were plowing the trailer court today.  I'd forgotten about that.  The plows had gone by already so there is a nice big drift to get over to get to the street.  Fun times!


I get out into the street...I'm crying because I'm having an incredulous pity party about what is happening to me...and I drop my keys on the street.  Can someone please kill me now?


I get them.  It hurt.  I guess when it hurts like that does it really matter if it hurts a bit worse?  You won't really stop breathing because of a rib charlie horse right?  Well I didn't.  I didn't die. 


I slowly got myself folded into my car and got it started.  Then I tried to call Lacey to warn her that she won't be able to get in the front door when she gets home.  No answer. 


I call Ben because I realize there is no way I'll be able to climb back in thru the back door unless my condition vastly improves.  It probably wouldn't improve that much.  Ben says he'll come over and get the front door opened for me. 


I head for the doctor.  I drive a stick.  Added to the fun I was already experiencing.  Moving my legs around on the clutch and shifting.  There are times....


I unfold myself out of the car and toddle into the chiro's office.  I'm embarrassed because I've been crying from the pain on the drive down.  I feel like such a baby!

Lacey calls while I'm standing there crying and I tell her what's going on.  I tell her she can get in thru the back door and that Ben is coming to get the front door opened.  Later I find out I left the knob on the back door locked.  Perfect.


I've had this chiro, Dr. John, for years so we know each other well and are having a laugh at this perfect shit storm while we try to get my spine to chill out. 


Didn't have the greatest luck but at least got it to unclench some.  I get to go back again after work today for another try. 


Left his office and went to Menard's to buy a new door knob.  Got home, handed it to Ben to install while I went back to my room to take ibuprofen and cuddle the heating pad so I could go to work for the afternoon and not waste the entire day laying in bed again. 


My back still needs work but so far no more spasms from hell this afternoon.  I've gotten some work done so the day isn't a waste. 


My mind is still a bit boggled by the timing of the door knob issue. 


If that door knob would have worked like it always does I'd probably have made it to the chiropractor without incident.  My back wouldn't have been in spasm and I might have been able to get the problem area set to rights again.


If I would have installed some back stairs last fall like I'd intended I wouldn't have had to climb down the side of my house while in extreme pain this morning. 


If it wasn't plowing day I wouldn't have had to go walking down the street to get to my car or dropped my keys while I was in the middle of the street. 


I guess it wasn't quite the perfect shit storm because my chiropractor was available when I got there.  He'll be available again tonight for another try.  My son was able to come over and fix the door knob.  My daughter was able to get in the house despite my leaving the back door knob locked by accident. 


It was close enough tho.

Fixations and obsessions but not OCD

I was just reading a blog "Single Dad Laughing" where the author lets people post things about themselves and then he puts it into a post.  http://www.danoah.com/2014/01/50-more-weird-confessions-4.html

I realize that I’m not nearly as crazy as some people are!  WOO HOO!!!

Kind of a relief as I’ve been wondering if I should get some counseling lately. 

Guess I’m not ready to completely toss that possibility out the window just yet but now I feel much less concerned about my periods of fixating, obsessing and freaking out over certain key items.  Like my car.  And my kitchen floor.  I have to work really hard to logic myself out of stress balls over those things sometimes.  And weirdly those are the main 2 things I fixate on. 

The car thing has been calm lately since my big, expensive repair, since it stopped the stuttering crap but next time I plan a road trip it’ll probably kick into high gear again.  I wasn't always like this.  Years ago I’d climb in my piece of crap cars with my kids and head for the hills without worrying about it.  I had several break-downs doing that.  I suppose most have?  Anyway, now I talk myself out of most road trips because I don’t want to stress about the possibility of my car breaking down.  The only way out of that would be to have a brand new car under warranty.  Can't afford one so that's not an option.  So I have to fight with myself every time I plan a road trip.  It gets mentally exhausting dealing with myself sometimes.  And I annoy others with it while I fret also. 

My kitchen floor triggers me too.  The ridge in the floor that caused the original crack in the linoleum is still there.  Despite my repairs and new flooring, I tip toe around it.  I had to put at least 1 rug over it and I want to put more down but am resisting the urge.  Lacey thinks I’m nuts.  She doesn’t see the ridge.  I see where the new flooring is separating.  (Click vinyl flooring) I feel urgency to sell the house before the flooring goes to hell again.  Even with my pretty new floor, which I thought would solve this problem, I can’t leave it alone. 

I logic it away.  If the floor does break down it’s a weekend of work taking the floor apart and repairing it, plus a box of flooring for extra parts so probably less than $100 cash outlay.  Really the least of my worries. 

But when people stand or sit over/on the ridge I can’t stop thinking about it.  They will be talking to me and I'm distracted because they are standing on/near "THE RIDGE".  And I want them to move but don't want to reveal my craziness so I shut up and then think "what were they just talking about?"    Sometimes I don't even want to come home because of it.  Wow!  I just admitted that! 

GET AWAY FROM THE RIDGE!!!

Sometimes I fight back by making myself step on it.  Yeah, I am kind of weird. 

It feels like some weird mental illness.  But it’s not OCD.  I have no counting compulsions.  I don’t feel like the world will end or something terrible will happen.  I’m just totally freaking weird about my kitchen floor and it’s part of the reason I hate staying in the house longer.  And I am now paranoid as hell about taking road trips.  To the point where I rarely visit my Mother and brother back in ND anymore. 

true picture of North Dakota landscape (I'm a liar)

I am tabling my plan to put the house on the market for a while.  Some things need to be sorted out as far as Penelope's welfare first.  She needs a stable environment and her mom's attention since she still doesn't speak and can not be put into a regular daycare as she has no way of defending herself or expressing her thoughts about what's going and how it affects her.  It would be detrimental to Penelope for her mom to work full-time job to support her.  While all kids need their moms, Penelope REALLY needs her mom's focus right now.  Having a special needs child in the family ratchets up some things...there's a reason they call them special needs...lots of extras needed to help them reach their potential!  Extra considerations have to be taken for their welfare. 

I'm going to have to deal with this bit of weirdness I have going on. 

That's why I'm considering counseling.  One of the reasons.  There are a lot of stressors on me at the moment.  Seems weird considering how rather boring my day to day life is but there are goals to be reached and finances required to hit those goals.  Debt has been incurred while pay was cut and it needs to be paid down.  

There are certain problem people that need to be dealt with or I need to find a new job. 

Staying here is good and bad for me.  Leaving is good and bad for me.  Both have some high emotional cost and losses.  I will be paying regardless. 

Really, my fixating thingy is probably the least of my worries. 

My blogs aren't funny lately. 

I need a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

An "intellectual experiment" and Atheist churches? Really?

I just read a couple of articles that surprised me a bit.  The first one was about a pastor who decided to try being an atheist for a year.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/08/pastor-learns-the-price-of-atheism/?hpt=hp_c3

That story was connected to another about an atheist church.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/04/after-a-schism-a-question-can-atheist-churches-last/

And yet another about the 6 types of atheists.  http://www.atheismresearch.com/  (I have tried linking several sites for this article and can't get the links to work - copy and paste this to access the article - sorry I don't know what the problem is)

The atheist pastor was the first to stymie me.  He decided to do it as some sort of “intellectual experiment”.  Then he promptly lost 2 jobs teaching at Christian schools.  Why am I not surprised about that?

While I think it’s admirable for him to try to understand I don’t think you can pretend to be an atheist and really “get” what being an atheist is.  You can find out a few things maybe but to really understand, you have to lack belief.  He calls himself an agnostic.  I AM an agnostic.  I don’t know how you can be a teacher at a Christian school that requires you to state your Christian beliefs as part of the employment process or to be a pastor if you’re actually an agnostic. 

Definition from Wikipedia:  Agnosticism is the belief that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are unknown.^[1][2][3] Agnosticism sometimes indicates doubt or a skeptical approach to questions. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.

If he still holds the title of pastor and teaches at this Christian school, how can he possibly be agnostic?  Unless he’s a liar? 

He can’t know what it feels like to be a true atheist.  He can’t even really know how it feels to be a true agnostic, like myself. 

I am an agnostic because I don’t believe in God.  Let’s say I’m exceptionally skeptical.  I am an agnostic because I don’t completely disbelieve the possibility of God.  I could be wrong.  I don’t really think so but since I don’t know everything I can’t say for 100% certainty that there is no God.  I just don’t think it’s very likely. 

This means I can’t tip the scales into being an atheist though let’s just say I dance harder in that direction than in the direction of the church. 

The thing is, this pastor, at his core, believes.  That is why his “intellectual experiment” will fail.  Faith or lack of faith is a very personal thing.  You can fake it.  But you’ll know you’re faking it.  I knew I was faking it.  I still go to church for weddings and funerals.  I know all the words and the rituals.  I love some of the music.  I feel like a fraud. 

Church used to be a comforting place.  I went to Sunday school, was confirmed, attended adult bible studies & women’s study groups and taught Sunday school. 

Over the years I debated my thoughts on my studies in various groups and with pastors.  Some of whom embraced those debates and enjoyed them and some who shut me down promptly, saying “that’s not what we believe.”  I truly enjoyed those debates and my studies!  (Slight detour:  One of my favorites was the idea that Satan was God’s best angel.  People didn’t like that one but really, it makes a lot of sense when you think about it.  If God is supposed to be omniscient.  If he is all powerful, then how could Satan be doing evil if God didn’t allow it?  God needs contrast.  If everything is all fluffy and good  and sweet as sugar, would anyone appreciate it?  Would they worship God if they didn’t know that Satan was out there causing all kinds of evil things to happen?  If they didn’t need someone to save them?  Think about it.)

The thing is I didn’t only study the bible.  I’m fascinated by this entire planet, the universe and by human beings and their history.  These things all came together in me and moved me away from the church.  That was a long process (years).   

Here is what I believe. 

I believe that humankind has been inventing Gods since they could think enough to be scared and to try to do something to feel less afraid.  They invented Gods to give them an illusion of control over the chaos of this world.  If they just did this, this and/or this well enough and often enough, God would save them.  If they weren’t saved, then someone screwed up or it was just God’s will.  That’s my very simplified view.  It’s bigger than that tho.  It’s something humans did all over the world.  Sacrifice was a big theme. 

It also creates a common belief system that helps hold groups together and gives them rules to follow so as not to piss God off and end up causing some disaster to your tribe or going to hell.  God is a great unifier of people.  God motivates people to be better than they might be without the threat of hell or tragedy. 

I do believe in the possibility of life after death.  Not necessarily in heaven.  But I think the soul goes on.  I believe in the soul.  I have felt it leave the body.  I believe I have had "visitations" from loved ones who have passed on.  I like to dream that reincarnation could be right and maybe I could come back to this miraculous planet again in some new life.  I do love being here.  It's magnificent!

There are horrible things done in the name of God.  Many, many, many horrible things.  And those horrible things also unite and help to control groups of people. 

Anyway. 

I could go on about this in depth but that’s not really the point.  I wanted to give you a brief synopsis of why I’m agnostic.  It’s not because I have issues with the church.  It’s not because I think the church is bad.  It’s just that I don’t believe. 

To get back on point.  This pastor can’t pretend to be an atheist and expect to truly understand what being an atheist is.  Because he believes. 

It is strange to be an outsider.  He might get that but probably not.  He won’t know what it’s like to stand in a church with a room full of believers and not believe.  He can’t know what it feels like for me to go to church.  To feel like, if I say the words that I know from all those years when I believed, am I belittling their beliefs because I don’t?  Or should I say the words and fit in out of respect for their beliefs even if I am lying with every word?  He won’t feel that.  I do. 

How about when he goes on facebook, assuming he does, and some tragedy befalls a friend and everyone is sending prayers.  Will he be sitting there thinking how useless that is?  I do.  Will he feel ineffectual and helpless?  I do.  Will he wish he believed so he could pray and feel like he was doing something even tho he really wasn’t?  I do. 

Will he be quiet about his pretend lack of belief?  I doubt it since that wouldn’t really help his “intellectual experiment” would it?  I normally prefer to be quiet. 

Here is why I normally prefer to be quiet. 

There aren’t that many of us.  We, the agnostics and atheists, are outsiders to the majority.  Believers tend to see you as damaged or broken and try to fix you.  My own Mother has made the comment that she somehow failed because I don't believe.  They sometimes argue with you and tell you you’re wrong.  They sometimes stop being friends with you. 

We are outsiders.  We are not part of that cozy congregation any longer.  There is some pain of separation involved.  At least for me there is. 

We are sometimes perceived as lacking morals because you can’t have morals if you aren’t afraid of going to hell right?  I have the same morals as I did when I was a practicing Christian.  It’s a nicer way to live doing nice things for people!  I’m not interested in suddenly running around doing all kinds of bad things.  I never was nice or mean because I thought I was going to heaven or hell to begin with!  Being raised a Lutheran you pretty much are guaranteed a spot in the clouds so you should want to be good in gratitude.  I wasn’t raised to fear going to hell.  Never have worried about that.  Still managed to grow into a pretty nice person anyway.  I think I’m pretty nice anyway!

Probably the biggest reason I don’t say anything is because I don’t want my Christian friends to think I’m looking down on them.  Sometimes agnostics/atheists are perceived as condescending.  Well, we can be but Christians can be condescending also so I think we’re even.  It’s generally easier to avoid the subject for me.

Sadly, I think this priest, who lost 2 jobs in his attempt to have this “intellectual experiment” of atheism, is doomed to fail because he cannot truly understand.  Unless he is actually an atheist.  Or agnostic.  Or becomes one because there’s some part of him that doubts and he is testing that. 

This ran a bit long so I’ll quickly touch on the other 2 articles…well mostly the atheist church since the 6 types idea…hmmm I’m a middle one and I love how they try to compartmentalize people all the time.  Not. 

The atheist church gives me the shudders!  I do miss the sense of community of the church.  I get that!  But a shared belief is what brings the Christians together.  Would I want to go to a church to talk about how great it is to NOT believe?  Or to bitch about believers?  Not on your life!! Holy cripes!!  Well, there are extremists everywhere.  Kind of sounds like the idea behind this church is to debate the rightness of non-belief.  Well I guess that’s kind of like the Christian church which reinforces reasons for belief.  But still!  Much as I sometimes miss that sense of community the church provided I think I’ll take a pass on attending an atheist church! 

(And they meet on Sundays…for some reason I find that pretty funny!)