some things I remember about time spent with my Grandma and Grandpa Blessum

Fields of tiger lilies...as far as my eyes could see
Being scared of the noises in the furnace room - we were sure Grandpa was hiding some scary creature in there
Being thrown up in the air by my grandpa when we drove out to the farm to bring him lunch
Grandpa rubbing noses with me when I came back down into his arms
The smell of my grandpa's garage...gas, dirt, oil, heavenly
Grandma's cat's eye glasses and flaming red hair
Great Grandma making donuts all over her basement house, her VW Beetle, sleeveless shirts and many necklaces
Everyone smoked...even my Mom tried to fake it
First thing when we got to Grandma's house, we'd look for salamanders in the window wells and usually found some
Playing in the dirt behind grandpa's garage with our little cars
Singing together in Grandma's piano room
Running all over town, without supervision, ultimate freedom!
Grandpa catching us between his legs and vibrating us till our teeth were loose
Grandpa making french toast
Grandma having grapefruit sectioned and sweetened for us every morning
How we'd get all dressed up for Xmas Eve when we were there for Xmas - I thought my Mom was so beautiful!
Family/cousins EVERYWHERE!!
Hugs...lots of hugs
Grandma would wave us good-bye until she couldn't see us anymore and we would wave back
I miss that.

I'm growing some whiskers!

I have a little whisker growing on my chin right now.  It's distracting.  I keep fondling it!  It's so weird to be getting these odd little hairs/whiskers here and there.  Part of the joy of aging from what I hear.  I certainly didn't expect this to happen when I was in my 20's!  Yeah, a wrinkle here and there, some fat and some sags.  I expected that.  But not the little whiskers on my chin. 

I can tell it's a whisker because it's dark and thick, just like a whisker!  I pluck them out.  I don't need a collection starting on my chin.  Ken might find that to be a turn off.  Or would he?  You never know with that man!  He can be perverse!  I have to keep up with the plucking/trimming because if I don't, I'll start looking like one of those women they use in films to play evil teachers that scare little children.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  Yes, you do!

I have to trim one of them because I've plucked it twice and ended up with a heinous ingrown hair that turned into a boil.  It looked like a boil.  Or a heinous zit.  Or something.  It was repulsive!  So it will be trimmed daily.  What will happen when I'm old and senile? Who will know to trim versus pluck my whiskers?  I probably won't look very good when I get senile.  But I'll be senile so I won't care.  Small favors right?

There aren't enough whiskers for me to do anything fun with them.  Like stroke them and do evil laughs. Curses!

stress and positive thinking

I got the list of tasks I need to do to make my home qualify for the certificate of compliance.  I have to bring it to this level for the park to allow anyone else to purchase it and keep it on the lot.  It was a long list. 

After the initial depression set in I sat down to read it again and realized that, for the most part, it wasn't unexpected.  And while it's a lot of work, it probably isn't horrifically expensive.  It won't be cheap but I could do it, a bit at a time and still get it on the market this summer. 

The next step is to talk to a realtor about options.  Before I put any money into the house I need to know if it's worth it to do so.  I need a realtor for that.  So I looked around my house last night and figured I should get everything cleaned up and pretty looking before I invite a realtor over.  I want it to look as inviting as it can and hopefully get a good first impression before I start telling the realtor about it's various issues.  So this weekend (and this week) I will be cleaning!  The sooner I make some decisions, the better.

I think I'm handling this pretty well.  I'm tamping down my fears, worries and stress like a pro!  I'm working very hard to keep a positive, can-do attitude!  But deep inside I have this sinking feeling.  It's like an uncomfortable lump in my tummy.  Makes me want to cry sometimes.  I feel a sense of desperation.  Is there some way out of this?  Is there some way I can just be done with my house without seriously damaging my finances?  Or killing myself off physically doing repairs to try to save some money?  Then, when the panic sets in, I tell myself how I can do this and to stop being afraid and worried.  Take it a step at a time, but keep pushing.  But the panic is there.  Just under the surface.  It makes me wonder how well I'll get thru this process?  I fight off the deeper panic, that I won't be able to sell it.  Of course I'll be able to sell it!  Right?

It's been a while since I've had to deal with a lot of stress.  I'm not used to it.  When I've been stressed over my kid's lives I was able to detach on some level because it is their lives and their problems.  Do what I can and leave the rest to them.  This time it's on me.  I've vaguely worried about this but now the process has started and it's no longer a vague worry that I don't have to deal with yet.  I have to deal with it now.  And for the foreseeable future.  It's not making my tummy happy!

I need to go to the next North Metro Volunteers meeting and inform them that I need to step away from the group this summer and deal with this project.  I won't be doing the Relay for Life.  If they want to do it, I'll pass along contact info.  If not, I'll let the Relay folks know we're stepping out of it this year. 

I'm going to make an effort to take good care of myself in the coming months.  I need to be well rested and healthy to deal with this best.  I am also going to blog here to relieve tension or at least just vent it, and I'm also going to lean on my friends and family for support and the occasional pep talk.  It'll be OK and one of these days, this house will be sold and I will be free!

Ok, that was really, really negative...

Guess what I'm doing?  I'll give you a hint...it's what I do most of the time lately.  I'm doing nothing.  I'm sitting here at work bored out of my fucking mind again!!! 

I need the money so here I sit.  I hate what I do for a living sometimes.  The past few days of work I have hated intensely.  I wish I could quit and go find something more fulfilling.  I feel like the invisible woman around here.  At least I make good money to sit here and dick off most of the day.  I feel like a whore in a way.  Selling my life for money. 

Ok, that was really, really negative.  It's honestly how I feel right now but that was really, really negative.  I need to try to improve my mood now since I'll possibly get a downer in the mail from the Park office today. 

Last Friday I was drinking at the neighbor's and they told me the park had been by to inspect my house that day.  So the requirements for the Certificate of Compliance should be imminent!  On the one hand I'm excited to finally get it and get some answers and on the other hand I expect it will be depressing to actually see everything they expect me to do to my house in order to sell it on the lot. 

I forgot my gum at home dammit.  I really would like minty fresh breath.  Not gonna get it today.  Sigh.

Geez!  I wonder if I even want to blog about my house?  I probably should since it's stressing me out.  I got a valuation notice from the county on Friday.  THAT was depressing!!  They valued it at around $10K if I understood it correctly.  REALLY??  I think that's total bullshit!  But on the flip side, my taxes are lower because of it.  Maybe it's not such a bad thing that it really needs a paint job and new windows!  See, I found a silver lining :)  I doubt they drive by to look at it tho.  Probably some sort of table they use and has nothing to do with my actual house.  So my silver lining is probably a puff of imaginary smoke. 

I'm thinning out my stuff at home.  I feel good about that!  Made some good progress yesterday in my bedroom closet.  Would have gotten more done if I hadn't have spent the majority of Saturday recovering from a mini-hangover that made my ass drag.  Oh well.  Another silver lining...not so interested in having any alcohol any time soon.  The memories of the nagging headache and twisting guts are too fresh.  Maybe it was the eggs?  I ate a lot of eggs on Sat. but I also had beer, whiskey-sours and limoncello shots on Fri. night so probably a combo deal. 

1.5 hrs left of torture, I mean work, to go!  Maybe I'll bake banana bread when I get home tonight.  Something to ponder.

I could freak out pretty easy today.  I'm bored, restless and irritable.  I'm stressed.  I'm onery.  I'm sure you thought I was a ray of sunshine but you couldn't be more wrong!  In order to get it all straight in my head I'm going to outline all of the stuff that is stressing me out:

>  My dog, Bruiser, has been having accidents more often than not lately.  It's now more normal to come home to a poopy mess than not to.  He seems to be having tummy problems despite the fact that I have him on a prescription bland food diet.  This worries me.  At least he appears to be happy enough.  He's always been lazy and that hasn't changed.  He has moments where he is pesty and barks at me and bounces around.  His appetite is good.  If he was sick, this wouldn't be the case.  I don't want to deal with having him put down but lately it's appearing that I may have to deal with this sooner rather than later.  Maybe.  I hope not.  I love my stinky wee beastie!!  My Mom wants to take him if I end up doing open houses to sell my house.  I think she wants to take him permanently.  She loves him too.  I have to think about that.  I don't know if I'm ready to give him up, tho I know my mother would probably take better care of him than I have and I know he'd be very loved.  But it's hard to think of giving him up.  At least not as bad as putting him down.  Some hard stuff coming my way with my pup.

>  I need to sell my house this summer.  That probably is enough said.  It's a stressful thing to do.  I've lived there 14 yrs (I found paperwork when I was thinning stuff out yesterday and can confirm 14 yrs).  While I'm excited to move the prospect of selling my home is daunting to me.  I've never done it before for starters.  I have to fight with myself constantly to keep from panicking that it won't sell and that I'll be trapped in Minnesota for another year.  Or more. 

>  I need money.  Ok - I'm trying to sell my house and realized that when I sell my house I need money for a deposit on an apartment.  Where is this money going to come from??  At the moment that is a mystery to me.  It's also a major concern. 

>  I'm moving to UT once the house is sold... in a year, when my lease is up.  I have work stuff to deal with before I go.  I'm excited to move to UT and live with Ken.  I'm also scared to death to leave my family, friends and work to do it.  And it hurts to think of leaving all these people I love and not being able to see them when I want to. 

>  I don't know what my job situation will be.  Given the economy, that is another big stress factor.  At the moment I have a job, even tho I'm far from loving it.  It pays good money and the people are very nice to work with.  My main problem with it is the utter boredom I suffer on a regular basis.  But starting over in a new situation is a scary concept.

That's just the stuff flying around in my head at this moment.  There's more if I dare to let myself think but I'm trying to avoid doing that any more than is necessary. 

I am unable to end this all light and fluffy.  I still have an hour and 10 minutes before I'm set free from my prison, I mean work. 

need more pictures!

I've been dreadfully bored the past couple of days at work so have scanned some other bloggers.  I've realized I need more pictures!  The problem is that I rarely blog when I'm at home.  I actually have things to do there, unlike at work.  Well, sometimes I'm busy at work but then I go thru these sloggy periods, like now.  It's just because I'm too awesome at doing my job!!

Now I have to figure out how to get more pictures into my blog so that it looks less intimidating.  Blogs that looks like novels tend to make me skip by.  Or maybe I should leave mine like this?  Then it is more like a personal exercise than anything I have to worry about people reading.  Things to ponder!

Sociability, or lack thereof...

It's a slow afternoon at work today and I haven't blogged for a while so, here I am.  Blogging.  Not sure what to blog about.  I have some things weighing heavy on my mind lately but am not ready to discuss them in a potentially public forum.  The thing is, there is an outside risk that someone will actually READ this blog and find out stuff about me.  I sort of use it as mental therapy but have to curb some of that because it is, after all, a blog. 

I just read my daughter's blog about not answering the phone.  My response is to be proud of her for taking care of herself!  Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and decide that you just can't do it for everyone...that it's too much and you need to shift focus more closely to survive your own life.

I'm a person who needs a lot of "me" time.  Being social is a stressor for me.  I tend to be very content in my own head...I like myself.  When I am social I feel expectations piling on after a while and need to defuse.  Not everyone is like this.  I gave birth to at least one who is highly social so I know.  I had some issues living with her trail of guests coming and going thru my home.  That stressed me out!  Nice kids but they were invading my "cave" and interrupting my regular hibernation time.  I don't welcome unexpected visitors.  I behave but inside I'm resentful.  This is me.  I have some weird quirks. 

Back when I used to party I had to do a mental work up before I went out, to get myself in the mood to talk to people.  It's not my basic nature to be sociable.  I'm more inclined to sit back and watch.  I study people.  I find them fascinating.  By doing this I have gained some unusual insight into people and why they do what they do.  This is helpful when people need advice, unless I give them advice they don't like.  I do that fairly often.  Unlike a lot of people, I don't see the benefit to beating a dead horse.  And some situations are like that.  Some folks come to me thinking I can tell them how to change someone else.  And I can, possibly, but doing this requires changing your own behavior first.  That often doesn't go over well.  The only person you ultimately control is yourself.  The only person you can change is yourself.  BUT when you change, it often forces behavior changes in others.  And these can be unpredictable.  There is no guarantee of a positive result.  There is a chance at least.  Which is better than if you keep doing what you're doing and expecting a different result.  Only place that might work, that pops into my mind, is flipping a coin.  Not changing a partner's behavior to meet your needs.  Besides, I think people should be accepted as they are or let go, so they can find someone who accepts them as they are.  It's kind of stinky to hang on to someone you don't really like because of who you think you can make them into.  Really stinky!  

Anyways, my parents are both very social folks.  Very warm and approachable.  I've watched them and learned how to do it.  I can fake it to some extent.  It's like giving a speech...I'm scared to death inside but from the outside I look confident and at ease.  I took a speech class in college and learned that I'm a pretty good public speaker despite the enormous internal distress the act causes me.  It was good to know that I come off positively since my job involves training and speaking up on occasion.  Now I can do that with a level of confidence.  To get back to the point, this ability to act warm and friendly puts others at ease and can start the interaction.  It's a valuable skill. 

My siblings are similar.  I think our parents sometimes wondered where we came from.  I remember one winter day when they decided we should go out and play.  None of us wanted to.  We must have been driving them nuts.  We wanted to stay in the basement and play barbies, like normal.  We had our own social group and really didn't need neighbor kids to increase our fun.  Anyway, they bundled us up and made us go out.  They even locked the doors so we couldn't sneak back in.  If I didn't know my parents I would think they just wanted some time to fool around but I can pretty much guarantee that was NOT what was going on.  Anyway, we huddled around the dryer vent (Mom was doing laundry) and waited for them to get tired of trying to make us play with the neighbors.  They finally relented, voicing some disgust over our choice of activity on such a beautiful winter's day. 

My Mom was a homecoming princess and my Dad was one of the handsomest men in town.  They were busy and social and then we came along.  We put a pretty big crimp in their social life!  They had a hard time finding babysitters who would babysit us more than once.  We were intelligent, energetic and all had dominant personalities.  I was probably the most dominant, being the oldest.  I was used to getting my younger siblings to do what I wanted.  When our parents left, we took over.  We wouldn't listen unless they did what we wanted - we were highly skilled blackmailers.  I remember one gal who knitted who had to spend the evening teaching us to knit to keep us out of trouble.  Another one drew so she got to draw pictures for us all night.  We'd post a look-out at the basement window to put out the alarm when our parents drove up.  Then we'd fly to our beds, leaping under the covers and feigning sleep.  If the sitters ever told on us, I don't recall hearing about it.  I don't recall our parents ever coming in, knowing we weren't asleep, to scold us for not listening to the sitter. I'd like to think the sitters liked us but since they didn't often return, maybe they didn't find us all that charming.

I'm not exactly anti-social.  I'm quite chatty on facebook and can talk a person's ear off if I feel comfortable with them.  I just don't need to do it that often and if I do it too often it becomes a stressor.  I know that some of my skills were learned watching my parents.  I used to think of myself as socially retarded because I was horribly shy when I was young.  I remember running home crying for various reasons when I was in early grade school.  At this date I can't remember why but I know it had to do with being in front of everyone and feeling humiliated or embarrassed or scared.  I dreaded being asked to answer a question.  I didn't want to be noticed.  My teachers rarely cooperated with this. 

At least I outgrew most of that nonsense!  I wouldn't say I'm shy anymore.  I'm pretty confident and comfortable approaching people.  But one thing has stuck after all these years, and it's my basic need for "me" time, and plenty of it!  At this point in my life I have TONS of me time!  And I'm pretty happy about it 98% of the time.  It is rare when I feel the urge to go out and be with people.  It does happen sometimes tho. 

Tonight I'm going to a play with some family members.  I'm not in the mood, to be really honest.  It's been a busy week and I would prefer to curl up at home with a good book and some wine and go to bed early, rather than go out and be among people.  But since I love my family I'll suck it up, be a sport and go.  And I know I'll enjoy myself in spite of myself!  I don't have my daughter's excuse...I'm not swamped with raising a child or school so I can easily get my "me" time later. 

I'm really proud of her for taking care of herself and her family so well.  Let the others figure it out for themselves...they will.  And hopefully they will be understanding but if not, well, that's life, isn't it?

my thoughts on marriage

Recently Ken & I have gotten inquiries as to when we're going to get married.  This is a rather uncomfortable question for us as neither of us is particularly enamored with the idea of marriage but don't want to offend anyone by our lack of interest in that particular institution.  I'm pondering if I should make a statement about it on facebook, to say it once and for all and exactly WHAT to say about it eludes me.

I'm one of those abnormal women who was born missing the "I need to get married" gene.  Kinda surprising since I've been married twice!  But neither marriage was for the usual reasons. 

One was for money and timing - I felt it was time to have one more child before Lee got too much older.  He had money, he asked and I was beyond tired of being on welfare and malnourished and constantly struggling to survive financially.  I figured I could grow to love him like the old days.  I justified my decision by looking to history when people got married to reinforce alliances, build power bases and for financial security.  People could get married without love and it worked for them, so why not for me?  Turned out that was a pretty stupid plan and I was filing for divorce after 4 months of marriage.  I couldn't stand him and despite his protests to the contrary, he didn't seem to really like anything about me except my looks.  On the flip side I managed to get pregnant with Lacey during that time so I have no regrets.  I would do every bit of it again to get her.  It's nice to not have regrets! 

My second marriage was actually to a man I loved but it wasn't because I loved him.  Or maybe it was in a way.  His paperwork got messed up and he was looking at deportation.  He would have lost everything he'd worked so hard for!  Plus, at the time, I was not ready to say good-bye to him.  I offered to marry him if he couldn't get the paperwork issues worked out.  We ended up getting married.  We stayed married for 7 years...much longer than I expected we would, but we were happy enough.  In the end I forced some issues and we decided it was time to part ways.  If he wouldn't have needed me to marry him, I wouldn't have ever considered it for the very reasons we ended up divorcing.  I knew he wanted kids but I already had 3 and my tubes were tied and after some soul searching I had to finally admit I didn't want more - not even to keep him.  I had a wonderful time with him and love him to this day so once again, no regrets.  I hope he gets what he wants in life.  I'm getting what I wanted and feel good about my decision.

I guess I've never gotten the attraction of the whole marriage thing.  I know some women go gaga about the dress and I think it's about being the star of the whole production.  I don't know why I couldn't care less about this.  My sister used to talk about her dream wedding.  I listened to at least one of my daughters do that also.  My Mom has told me about her dream wedding!  I've listened to other women plan and plot to get married.  I've seen women end what I thought were perfectly good relationships, because their men didn't want to get married.  It always made me feel a bit weird.  I never thought of myself being married.  I still don't.  I'm just me, going thru my life on my terms. 

I don't get the whole marriage thing.  What is the big deal?  Is it about trapping someone to stay with you even if you fall out of love or they do?  That's not remotely appealing to me.  Is it so the government can tax you at a higher rate by combining your income and putting more into the higher tax bracket?  That's stupid.  Do people really think that getting married is some magical rite that guarantees perpetual happiness?  We all know how that goes 50% of the time, don't we? 

I told Ken that maybe some day, when we're old and start thinking we might kick the bucket, then we might get married, IF there is still social security, so that if one of us dies it'll help the other pay the rent.  Or if he can't get some damned health insurance we'll get married so we can get his knee fixed.  I want him mobile so we can travel and have fun together!  We might not stay married after his knee is fixed (taxes, you know) but that doesn't mean our relationship will end.

Our relationship will end when one or both of us decides we don't want to be in it anymore.  That simple.  We will work on it as needed.  But if it turns into a black hole that we aren't happy in and don't see an end to, it's time to walk away.  Life is too short to spend it unhappy! 

I kinda hate making marriage vows because I don't like to lie.  I've lied twice now.  I promised to love til death do us part twice, to two different men.  And I proved myself to be a liar.  I would prefer not to lie again if I can avoid it. One of the best ways I know to avoid that is to avoid marriage.  Marriage for social security when I'm old and I think we can manage to stay together til death do us part....that could work for me! 

Maybe we can just get some health insurance for Ken so we don't have to be liars to get it.  I hope so!  I want his knee fixed! 

A moment of peace, babysitting, collections & billing and fun times in a plane

Deep breath...hold it...let it out slowly...ahhhhhhh

This has been a stressful week and today I'm finally ahead of most of it again and have a few moments to take stock.  It's so nice right at this moment!  Except for my back pain.  Other than that it's really quite good. 

The back pain is a worry.  It's bad timing since this is my last big weekend babysitting Penelope.  I'm going to have to be very careful and avoid lifting her as much as possible this weekend - should be interesting!  Her Mom gave her 2 weeks notice so life dynamics will be changing.  I have really enjoyed all of this regular one on one time with Penelope over the past 2+ years of her life.  I have often had her for the weekend while her parents were working.  It's been so good for me to get all the snuggles and cuddles and to watch her grow.  We have a great connection and I have so enjoyed having her all to myself so we could forge our own separate relationship, away from her Mom & Dad.  Her parents are awesome but I like having my own thing with my grandkids :) 

I know I'll continue to babysit on occassion and it'll be nice to have more free time for myself but at the same time I value what has been.  Penelope is a fantastic kid!  She's unique, funny, flirty, sassy and extremely lovable with one of the best belly laughs I have ever heard!  Sitting in my recliner, snuggling with her to read or watch TV or so she can play with the fringes on my lamp, is my soulfood.  I plan to savor this weekend fully, despite the back problem!  If lifting is too big of a problem we may just have a sleep over together on the airbed in the living room.  That could be fun and no lifting her in or out of bed! 

Work has been stressful this month.  I will be headed to ND to help my Mom after her hip replacement surgery the end of the month so will have less days available for work.  I've been pushing thru on billing while my boss has been pushing to get some past due invoices resolved.  My priorities and his have differed.  I managed to ignore his as much as possible because I'd rather bill something I can actually get paid for on a timely basis, instead of revisiting old issues that keep getting kicked back to me for months on end as I struggle to resolve the problems with the client.  He wants cash flow and that's what I'm trying to give him.  Eventually we will get paid for that old stuff because hey, no matter how much the client shuffles they owe us that money per contract and they WILL pay!  I'm not giving up on it.  But since I've been doing the dance since Oct and they kicked a bunch back to me yet again I figure my odds are better getting paid from new work than that old stuff as far as promptness goes.  Did that make sense?  It did to me so whatever. 

The next idea my boss came up with was for me to go meet with the client to get these past due issues resolved.  That made my stomach sink.  I don't really have time to make a trip to AR in the next couple of weeks +.  I'm booked!  Plus I don't want to go.  But per his request I asked the client for a meeting.  I strongly suspect they gave me the run around when they said they've passed my request along to the powers that be to decide and could I still please try to get these invoices resolved with them?  The good news is suddenly they are beginning to understand how to fix these issues that I've been trying to get them to fix since Oct.  I guess the threat of a visit from me is enough motivation?  Whatever works! 

If I can avoid having to make that trip I'll be thrilled to bitty pieces!  I'd find it rather intimidating to go to that particular client's HQ anyway.  I'd feel like an ant approaching an established giant termite hill.  And this client is the reason I have a job.  I also don't feel like messing around with airports, car rentals and hotels any more than necessary in life.  If I can avoid it, I prefer to!  I very much prefer to do that for fun, like site seeing and vacations, rather than work!

I told my Mom that last night and she seemed to think I was being silly.  But she didn't go thru some of my nightmare trips where flights were missed because it rained and everyone turned into retards on the drive down, I got lost finding the airport to come back and then finding where to return the car and then which terminal to go to - running too and fro dragging my crap around and stressing that I'll be trapped in that airport indefinitely if I don't figure it out!  That was actually just one trip to Dallas/Ft Worth, not "some". 

I shouldn't be such a baby because most of the time it goes like clock work.  Well, except that flight out of Chicago that felt like the plane was falling apart because the landing gear made so much racket as it curled up into the plane.  I thought we were going to fall into the lake!  And upon landing the power went out so we all got to sit there in the dark while they figured it out.  Glad that didn't happen until AFTER we landed! 

Or maybe that hop between SLC & MN where I was sandwiched between 2 giants and couldn't lean back in my seat because their shoulders were too big and I couldn't breath or even fit.  So I spent that whole flight leaning forward in my seat and getting back cramps. 

Or that flight into Minot where the pilot felt compelled to gently rock the plane back and forth, back and forth, for no apparent reason, until I felt like I was going to throw up?  I had to sit for a while in the airport, not moving, before I could even consider getting into a car to drive to Rugby without wanting to throw up. 

Or that flight, don't even remember where, probably TX again, where the gal sitting next to me threw up in her lap and splashed a little ever so gently on my lap too?  Nice of her to share. 

Nah, I'm just a wuss because I'm not that crazed about giving the airline industry even more chances to make my life more "fun". 

cuteness overload!



Penelope, bundled up for the zoo, sitting in her little red wagon



Is this just not the cutest thing ever?????

My birthday

I survived yet another year!  They are starting to pile up on me a bit.  Better than the alternative tho so not going to whine about it.  This has been a boring/interesting day!  My first big struggle was my impulse to wear jeans to work.  That's a privilege that is supposed to be reserved for Fridays but I felt my birthday was special enough to warrant it.  I got over myself and dressed nicely.  Slacks, blouse, sweater.  Blah! 

Got to work and discovered an apparent break-in!  Talked to the 2 co-workers who were here and we discovered that they robbers succeeded!  Called the police.  Several laptops were stolen.  An ipod and deck are gone.  They broke into a safe.  I didn't even know we had a safe!  Shows how much I pay attention!  The safe didn't have anything in it.  I wonder how much time they wasted doing that?  What did they think they'd find that would be worthwhile?  CASH??  HAHAHAHAHA!  We don't put cash in safes and store them in the conference room!  I think they were classic idiots. 

Told Ken about it and he was calming me down from being scared.  Except I wasn't scared.  Can't even say I was mildly annoyed.  They left my office alone.  And it gave a little excitement to my typical boring day at work. 

Next, underwear guy from across the way did a little tai chi/yoga thing in the window.  I call him underwear guy because one morning I came in, glanced out my office window and there he was, in his unders, wandering around in his apartment across the street!  I was a little surprised to see that his body looked as good as it did since he is recovering from a bout of cancer.  He's done that routine one time since and now I find it boring.  But the tai chi/yoga thing was new.  Lots of turning around and arms extended stuff.  Posing essentially.  Lasted all of 2 minutes.  I wonder if it helped? 

So today has been marginally more interesting than usual!  YAY!!  I'll take what I can get.  It was marginally more depressing too.  I stepped on the scale today and my diet is going backwards.  Not good!  Today is my first day trying Sensa.  We'll see how that goes.  I'm supposed to sprinkle it on everything I eat.  So if it won't adhere to my candy bar I've decided I will lick it first so it will stick.  That's called commitment!!  That bad attitude is also why my diet is going backwards. 

I'm supposed to go for a caramel apple drink thingy tonight with Kim but haven't heard from her so thinking that won't happen.  I'll be sad not to see her because she's fun!  But I'll also be glad to have more time to deal with my stinky dog (he is foul again) and bake some banana bread.  Tomorrow I'm volunteering from 5:30 - 8 so won't have a lot of free time until Wed.  There's always a silver lining!

Kim has surgery on her foot tomorrow and she had a funeral today so I won't be surprised if she gets detoured!  I'm a little surprised she thought she could pull it off!  But she is a pressure junkie!  She tends to have every minute of every day scheduled for herself and her kids and if one thing goes wrong she hits crisis mode!  Kind of an uber Mom...a tired uber Mom.  I was more of a lazy Mom type than an uber Mom :)  I'm extremely good at managing stress unless it decides to avalanche on me. 

Yesterday I started my birthday celebrations despite Jesus being sick.  Turns out he has bronchitis and a sinus infection.  Luckily he also has drugs now so should begin feeling better soon!  I was bummed.  I think I said that in my entry yesterday.  Then I got over it!  Lacey & I decided to go to the Como Zoo, despite it being 13 degrees out, and visit the critters.  Then we would pick up Chris from work and go to the Mall of America (MOA) to go to Underwater World which has now been renamed Sea Life.  Ended up having a great day up until Penelope decided she had had enough and had a little meltdown.  Her somber faced parents marched her and her little red wagon to the car, with me chasing behind with their crepes from our semi-aborted dessert.  Considering that we took Penelope out of her normal routine, made her sit mostly for 5 hrs and wouldn't let her do back flips or crawl around I think she was pretty patient with us!  What is a little kid to do when the grown-ups just don't know when to knock it off?  Well, they throw a fit and cry and create a little general chaos!! 

I'm having a good birthday!

soulfood & cancellations

Yesterday I had a great day with my granddaughter Penelope.  We snuggled, wrestled, and giggled.  She is good for my soul!

taking a 2 hr nap on the fake couch

She had a really long nap on my fake couch.  Two whole hours!  I was amazed since I was sitting nearby in my recliner watching TV and it didn't phase her.  She has been a light sleeper in recent months.


Grandpa Greg told me she'd been walking all over in the morning...he was quite impressed with her mad walking skills!  I was looking forward to seeing that also but it didn't pan out that way.  She acted like it hurt to walk or stand and would cry.  Maybe she over did it?  I told her Mommy and she is going to talk to the doctor about it.  They'll get her all fixed up!


We played with my son's mardi gras beads again.  Penelope LOVES those things!!  She heads straight to them every time she comes over!  She worked out with me.  I did leg lifts so she came over and did leg lifts also.  I did push ups so she came over and crawled under me, giggling as I landed on top of her repeatedly.  I did pelvic thrusts and she did too...for about a minute and then decided it would be more fun to climb on top of Grandma for a ride.  I got my work out!  And we both giggled like fools!  Since it was that much fun I kept it up longer than I would have otherwise, most likely.

I ordered pizza and we ate like kings.  She loves pizza!  Me too!  Soooooo good!  Sooooo fattening!  Oh well.

The cake baking event for today has been cancelled.  I'm super bummed!!  My BIL Jesus has been sick and isn't getting better.  My sister had to finally call it.  She was also super bummed!  We are going to reschedule for next weekend.  At least I have that to look forward to! 

My birthday is actually tomorrow and I'm going out with Kim for a drink or a caramel apple thingy at Caribou or Starbucks.  She has foot surgery the next day so doesn't know if she can have a drink or not.  When I mentioned appletini's she started thinking she needed one!  I don't care.  I love those caramel apple thingies too and I'm more interested in the social aspect.

Gosh!  I have no idea what to do with myself today now!  A whole day off and no pressure to accomplish anything.  No sugar at the end of it either.  Probably a good thing.  Kinda of sad tho too. 

Birthday cake! I'm getting old but birthday cake makes it easier to swallow

My birthday is coming up fast and today I decided to scope out Pioneer Woman for cake recipes and have totally screwed up!  I found 2 that I'm dying to try!  I don't need 2 birthday cakes but how to choose which one?  HOW???

The first one I came across was a Milky Way cake. Gooey and chocolaty and caramelly...OMG! And it's from scratch (except for the Milky Ways...but we melt those so they are deconstructed). (pictures are nabbed from Pioneer Woman site just to make sure your mouth is watering like mine is)

 

I should have had sense to stop there but I noticed another cake just below that I had to check out also. A Cherry Cake Pudding...very gooey and full of cherries and cherry juice...OMG! 

Now I have some serious thinking to do.  Do I do what I would normally do and bake both of them because I have no impulse control?  Or do I behave and choose one?   

My sister just messaged me on FB and it looks like we could be baking both of them.  We're cut from the same cloth in some ways!  It'll be fun I think...baking is more fun with company...and maybe some appletini's!  Yeah, appletini's would be great!  Means I need to get some vodka.  Vodka is cheaper than my favorite wine so I can do that!  Goes farther than wine too in my house.  Vodka lasts weeks.  Wine lasts maybe 2 days.  Unless I have a friend around, then it's gone very quickly and my friend and I are very happy for a couple of hours! 

I think we will make sloppy joe's for supper and a tasty salad or something like that.  I want something fresh and crispy like a salad.  Maybe I'll have to do a search for delicious salads next!

Life ain't a fucking fairy tale folks!

Read an article today.  (I’m Christian, unless you’re gay. ) It's pretty good!  Somewhat naive but I love the intent behind it.  It would be nice if people would behave that way.  Really, really nice!  But I'm cynical enough to believe that it is not realistic to think it will ever really happen.  People have a need to feel superior.  I shouldn't make blanket statements like that because not ALL people have a need to feel superior but I know some do...in a big way...and they will do anything to gain the status that they feel they deserve.  This requires them to put others down.  Even their own family members.  So if people can't even be kind to their loved ones I think it's expecting a bit much that they be kind to others who are even farther from their ideal of perfection. 

I used to have a stronger need to be superior or "win" than I do now.  I am competitive with my siblings and others but they are more interesting to compete with than others.  My siblings have beaten me down and I've rather given up on it for the most part.  I'm not going to win.  I don't even have the drive to try anymore!  So that's how I have less of a need than I used to...I gave up.

I do think I'm better than some people.  People who are cruel to animals and people who abuse children, etc...I feel I'm much better than they are.  I think some people have not earned the right to breathe the air because of the cruelties they have inflicted on others.  When I re-read that statement it pretty much sums up what I said earlier.  I think it's naive to think that people will be kinder and more understanding of others.  Who decides what is worth kindness and acceptance?

What if someone, a psychopath, feels compelled to torture and kill small animals?  It's a compulsion.  It's a mental illness.  Are we to hug them and say we love them?  The whole idea is tricky. If you're a true christian you will love them because God tells you you're supposed to.  He loves them.  If you're like me you question the wisdom in that.  I figure if God is there, let him love on them...I'm going to pass.  I tend not to love those who would willingly cause harm to others or myself.  I'm not that big inside.  Plus I have a strong survival instinct.

Which brings me to another point.  We have already become so nice that we put ourselves at risk.  We don't want to offend strangers so we shove down our natural instincts that tell us we should get away from people who aren't acting "right" and we end up being assaulted, robbed or raped.  Is it really good to not make spur of the moment judgments? Those judgments allow us to survive.  They have since the human race began.  Now our brains are telling us not to trust those instincts.  This could be a part of evolution that can be damaging to the human race.  Maybe we have evolved past the point of our best version.

It's rather hard to explain but it's kind of like economics and economies of scale.  In a really down & dirty example, at my job, the project groups we tend to do best at are the large ones that are repetitive - retail box stores that are all essentially the same with minor tweaks for site variations.  The first few tend to run over-budget while we get the hang of it.  After a while we get really good at it and are finding efficiencies and are making lots of money.  Then we start getting comfortable and we start getting sloppy because it's getting boring.  Mistakes are made and our profits dwindle.  Maybe the human race is like that?  Maybe we have been at this evolution thing long enough, expanding our biggest asset, our brains, so well, that we are forgetting some of the things that it evolved for in the first place.  To protect us.  We didn't have natural weapons.  We had our superior brains.  They helped us outsmart our competition.  Now they sometimes hand us to our competition...or our, perhaps, more animalistic human counterparts.  Perhaps this is our downfall? 

I think it's terrible that people are bullied for being different.  I feel for the folks who suffer.  We have brains that can help us recognize when something is unjust.  But so much goes into each individuals background that affects those judgments.  And haven't we all suffered? 

I am the child of a gay man who tried to be straight.  As non-PC as it is to say, I'm glad for the world he lived in at the time because it scared him enough to attempt to live straight and I got to exist.

He was a very unhappy man for many reasons, but suppressing his basic self and the shame he felt didn't help any.  As a result, I grew up with an angry, abusive father.  I've had a lot of baggage to work thru over the years.  At the end of it all, I see it as the price I had to pay to exist.  Life isn't easy.  Some have to pay a higher price than others.  And for every price there is a benefit if you think about it.  I learned how strong I was.  I learned to be suspicious enough to be a problem for people who like to take advantage.  I learned how hard I can be.  I learned how soft I can be.  I learned how to forgive and I learned compassion.  I learned to condemn.  Life is a complex thing.  And we grow from that.

I am still working thru the damages that were inflicted because I was born into a family that really shouldn't have been.  My Dad had no choice in being born gay.  He's still working thru the damages that were inflicted on him.  My Mother wasn't told that the man she was marrying wouldn't want her like she needed and deserved and that she would suffer emotional damage.  But this is the price we all paid.  In the end, my parents love us and wouldn't wish to undo us.  In the end, I would rather live and go thru those hard years than not exist.  This is life.  Life isn't easy.  No one ever said it was and why people keep thinking it should be boggles my mind some. 

I think we spend too much time thinking that life is supposed to be some fairy tale and feeling ripped off when it isn't.  Life ain't a fucking fairy tale folks!  It's like love...full of everything...the good, the bad and the ugly.  Love isn't a single feeling...it's a combination of lots of feelings.  People we love fill us with vast amounts of feelings.  Life is vast and complex also.  If we could stop wasting time feeling sorry for ourselves because our lives aren't like a story book and make the effort to find the good in our lives and keep our focus there it might solve some problems.  At least inside our own skins.  We can only change ourselves.  That is where everything starts.  If we spend all of our time trying to get others to do what we want, we will be in for vast disappointment.

wasting time

It's Friday and almost the end of the work day.  I'm mentally gone already and not under a deadline so figured I'd post again to pass some time.  It's a cold one again today...a whopping 9 degrees out.  Warmer than yesterday at least. 

We've had some snow and people are driving like utter retards again.  Getting to work was a cluster fuck this AM.  I detoured myself which helped.  Still took over twice as long as normal.  It wasn't a fun drive because my window wipers don't work very well on ice so I had to blast the defrost on high if I was going to be able to partially see where I was going.  I was roasting! 

The only reason I live in the northern Midwest is because I was born here and haven't had enough sense to leave yet.  I'm working on that.  Minnesota is gorgeous in the spring, summer and fall.  I've been in a number of states in the summer and haven't found any that really outshine this area for sheer beauty and climate in the summer.  It is lush.  Just enough humidity.  And so green!  I do love this state in the summer!  In the winter, not so much.  All winter long I dream of summer.  I'm dreaming of it right now.

Today I got new circuit breakers installed at work.  It was a hassle with an electrician wiring my office but so worth it!  I can now print AND have my space heater on simultaneously!  It is fantastic!!!  I will no longer have to freeze on heavy printing days!!  It still thrills me that I can print without shutting my heat off and my power won't go down.  I think it's a little sad that I'm so thrilled by that but there it is...I am!

Pioneer Woman, being sick of PMS and my foul beastie

I've recently become enamored with a blog called The Pioneer Woman, by Ree Drummond.  She now has a show on Food Network and the few times I've come across it I've enjoyed her style.  She makes "pies" that are more like a crostata since she skips the pie plate.  She recently showed a pulled pork recipe using Dr. Pepper that intrigued me.  I think I'll have to try it next time Mr. K comes to town for a visit! 

One of the things I like about her is her unselfconscious honesty.  She is also trying to lose weight and admits to having back fat.  I have back fat also.  It ain't pretty but it's there.  She won't wear halter tops because of it.  I understand.  If you have some time and want to read some amusing blogs or view some interesting recipes or simply look at some pretty pictures (she seems to be a talented photographer), then google Pioneer Woman and check it out! 

I did the weigh in this morning and put that .2 lbs back on since yesterday.  Damned nutty bar!  They call to me from the other end of the office.  When I'm hormonal that call can get really noisy and hard to ignore! 

I'm in a prolonged PMS zone this month that will hopefully end soon.  As much as I have enjoyed my internal bitch monologue, some of the other side effects have gotten a tad OLD.  Like starving all the time.  Insatiable hunger is a sucky thing to try to fight when you are trying to lose weight.  This is really getting on  my last nerve! 

Another side effect that gets me occasionally is sleep problems.  As in, I'm exhausted but can't sleep.  AKA insomnia.  And when I do fall asleep, I tend to wake up for no apparent reason, off and on throughout the night.  I feel tired all the time lately.  Yesterday I was practically zombiefied.  I'm better than that today but I was amazed at how hard it was to go to sleep last night, despite my zombie state.  I even had a glass of wine hoping that would help.  I love wine but it tends to make me sleepy.  This effect is apparently negated by my current PMS hormone levels.  It was useless.  Tho the wine was tasty so I guess I won't complain about that! 

And then there is the increased boobage.  I don't feel I need increased boobage but I get it for a short while every month.  I don't appreciate it.  It isn't enough for any guys to say "Whoa!  Did you get a boob job?" but it is enough for my bra to feel crammed and for the boobs to feel like they are getting in my way sometimes.  I can't wait till I come home each night and get rid of the bra!  Bruiser doesn't care.  If I can put up with his stench, he can put up with my boobs running wild under my shirt.  Actually, he could give a rat's ass about my bra status.  His stench on the other hand...

He is a foul, foul beastie right now!  I mean BAD!!  The other night I woke up because he farted so bad the stench infiltrated my dreams and poisoned them!  I had to get up in the wee hours and check the carpet to see if he took a dump or something...nada.  Honestly, he simply reeks without even farting.  He needs a bath badly.  I was too zombiefied last night to give him a bath.  Plus it's too freaking cold out.  I don't know if I can wait until it warms up on Saturday tho.  It really is awful.  Makes my room stink.  I don't like living in a stinky bedroom.  I don't even think he likes it.  He'll still cry through the whole bathing thing like he's being tortured.  He's such a drama queen!

I suppose I should stop blogging and get poised for action here at work!  Yes, poised for action!  My fingers hovering over the keyboard, waiting for that actionable email...or sitting, holding my pencil, waiting for a project manager to meet with me and review their bills!  Pfft.

At least I get to go out for lunch today with Charles and Annette.  I'm going to vote for someplace very close since it's -8 degrees outside. 

oops! I did it again!

I weighed myself again this AM.  I lost .2 more lbs since yesterday.  Today I ate a nutty bar.  I wonder if I will lose weight tomorrow? 

This is going to be a very long day because my ass is dragging.  I babysat Penelope last night so her parents could have a date night at the Guthrie.  I got my snuggle fix.  She's so cute!  Tried to play with her dollhouse with her.  I was going to crawl around and peek at her thru the windows but she followed me and laid down next to me to snuggle.  Then later I decided that I should exercise and march in place during commercials (they had some painfully long commercials on last night!).  When I started marching, Penelope got up, leaned back against the couch and marched too!  She had enough sense to stop after a couple of minutes but me, I kept going.  I shouldn't complain...I survived.  I should probably stop celebrating my marshmallowness quite so strenuously some day!  How weird would it be if I ever got physically fit?  Very, very weird!

The play was a long one so didn't get home until after 11:30 PM.  Then my brain wouldn't shut off and let me sleep.  I don't know what time I finally fell asleep.  I do know that my eyes want to live somewhere else today and my body feels like I did something bad to it - you know, hung over but not?  Now I'm hitting the caffeine.  Sadly that won't help my bloodshot, burning eye problem. 

It's a whopping 3 degrees outside right now.  My hands are cold!  I work in an old warehouse in Mpls.  It's an office now but they LOVE to keep it retro so there is no insulation between me and the stone walls.  I can feel the cold coming off the wall next to me.  Sucks.  At least I have big windows so I can see the sky and peep at the neighbors across the street on really boring days.  On cold days like this it is NOT comfortable!  I think I may have to resort to wearing my fingerless gloves today to keep my hands from stiffening up in the cold.  Oops...too late.  If only I could type with my hands snugged up on my neck for warmth!

The electricity sucks in this building.  Whenever I want to print I have to shut off my little space heater or I blow a circuit.  I can only run my space heater on low or I blow a circuit.  If I had a co-worker sharing my office we couldn't run space heaters...we'd have to huddle together to share body heat.  I think they keep it a little too retro in this building!  I see my co-workers in the next room wearing coats and they aren't even by the walls!  Poor co-workers :(

I hate being over tired.  I seriously considered sleeping in and then I remembered that usually no one else is in the office when the phones roll over so I don't get that luxury.  I've spoiled them all.  Turns out I could have slept in because Katie came in early.  Oh well.  Too late now.  I feel kind of trapped by my own consistent early check-ins.  My own fault I guess.  Always puts me in a panic when I'm sick and can't come to work but the company seems to survive so I should probably stop panicking about it.

Disjointed ramblings is right!  Last night I was telling my daughter that I should do a food blog entry with pretty pictures soon just to offset my bitching about PMS and weight loss. 

Lately I have a steady bitch monologue running thru my head and I like it!  At least I'm mostly not inflicting it on anyone.  I told my pal Kim that yesterday and she remembered a scene from the Addams Family movies where they put Wednesday in a cabin (she was at summer camp) and forced her to watch Disney movies until she came out and creeped everyone out with her smile.  They wanted to force her to be PC.  Epic fail!  I told Kim that they could put the 2 of us in a cabin with Disney movies and we'd still  not be PC by the end of it.  (The PC point came up because I was referring to the mid-eastern nose picker at the dealership as a terrorist.  I think it's funny as hell that I did that!)  I can tell I'm tired because I don't know if this makes any sense.  Oh another thing...we'd need plenty of vodka and tasty mixes in that cabin while we watch those Disney movies!  Or wine.  I like wine.  I could torture Kim by making her listen to Snow White's trembly voice over and over again.  Except I'd have to listen to it too and that would suck.  We both like the evil step-mom the best and think it could have ended better than it did. 

I can't wait until I get to go home and lie around like a slug tonight.  Except I do need to scrub my stinky dog.  He was farting up a storm again last night...so bad it woke me up again with the stench!  I'm resigned to the fact that living with a foul wee beastie is how my life is going to be until he kicks off.  There is a chance that when I get his dental work dealt with that might ease up.  I just need my W-2's so I can file my taxes and get my bitty refund!  At least he seems to be pretty happy and he's eating good and looks a bit like a sausage now.  He's living the good life tho I think the stench even bugs him!  When his bed gets smelly he stops sleeping in it until I change the sheets.  He's such a prima dona!

Only 7 more hours to go.  Groan.  Just realized my boss is coming in today from TX.  Perfect.  Just fucking perfect.

huh?

I behaved on my diet yesterday.  I was hungry and cranky too.  Was curious and weighed myself again this AM and it showed I lost 1.8 lbs since yesterday AM...really???  Maybe Monday was a real heavy day or something?  Weird.  Anyway, based on that, as of today I'm down .4 lbs from the previous week.  Not much but not a weight gain!  I think I should weigh myself tomorrow and see what happens then.  Maybe daily reinforcement will help.  Worth a shot anyway.

I got my tires rotated and it took the shop over an hour to do it, tho I had an appt.  I sat and watched two fat ladies (fatter than me by a lot!) eating snacks from the vending machine.  One of them cut loose a loud juicy burp...it totally grossed me out!  The other "roomie" I had in the waiting room was a middle eastern guy who was trying, unsuccessfully to pick his nose without anyone noticing.  He needs to work on that because he didn't do it well.  So I laid back in my chair and stared at the ceiling and pondered my PMS bitchiness and how it's kind of fun to be bitchy, my aching back (those chairs get really fucking uncomfortable after a while), my tires (will they try to fall off again? and why does this dealership say I don't need to bring the car in for a recheck?  is it because they know what they're doing and Tires Plus apparently doesn't OR are they idiots?), my dog (is he crapping on the floor because I'm not home yet?) and the GOP candidates.  I did come to one conclusion...if Romney is the candidate I'll vote for him.  If it's anyone else, I probably won't bother to vote.  Romney & Gingrich match my platform the closest but Gingrich doesn't seem like presidential material to me.

Luckily Bruiser did not crap on the floor while I was gone.  Whew! 

I watched Betty White's 90th birthday party on TV.  It was great seeing her co-stars!  I love Betty White!  I was thinking about how I want to be like her when I'm 90 and then I realized that it's probably not likely I'll make it to 90, let alone in that kind of condition.  She seems more like a 60-70 yr old!  She seems like a neat lady to know :)

Well, time to get to the daily grind!

feeling snarly

I gained 1.4 lbs last week.  Way to not diet dipshit!!  And do I feel motivated?  I just feel bitchy.  Fucking hormones!  Also, fucking annoying clients! 

Today I dug into the most recent problem a major client sent to me.  Turns out that I sent them a correction back in November and if they'd ever process and pay their damned bills the 2 more recent inquiries would have been unnecessary.  Drives me bat shit!  Some days I think it'll be nice to start fresh someplace else.  I get really sick of this kind of crap.  I know going elsewhere will just replace one pile of crap to deal with, with a different pile of crap.  But at least it'll be fresh!  In the real world old crap is less offensive than new crap but in figurative sense, it's the opposite. 

I gotta see if I can get thru this day without inflicting my bitchy self on too many people.  Oh, I am getting my tires rotated tonight because I'm paranoid that one of them will fall off after my "fun with tires" fiesta back in November.  And I forgot to bring my book so I get to sit and stare at the people around me while I wait.  What fun!  NOT! 

It's such a fucking Monday.

there is comfort in fat

I'm dreading weigh in tomorrow!  I have not behaved well on my diet at all this week.  I'll blame PMS because I'm feeling more starved that usual and am having fixated cravings.  It's bad that it kicked in a week and a half before Aunt Flo is due to arrive for her monthly visit.  That's a whole week left to continue to bomb on my diet or to battle even harder than normal to behave.  I do not know how this will go down.

If I have undone some of my work of the previous week I may find motivation.  I hope it will be enough to fight my body's urges!  I've had times where I even get the hypoglycemic thing going on...if I don't eat I get dizzy and shaky.  It's really obnoxious when that happens because I KNOW I don't need the food but my body says I WILL have it or I will feel like passing out if I don't.

I hate my freaking hormones sometimes!  They do not help me accomplish goals!  

My daughter was over last night and we were talking about fatness.  And men.  She is working at a bar, waitressing, and is loving the tips but beyond sick of getting her ass grabbed and being hit on all the time.  Men can be such pigs!  I understand her annoyance as I have also dealt with it in the past.  I thought I was immune at my age...mid-40's...when I last got slimmed down and I got educated that it is still a problem even for 40 somethings!

Even the most professional men can act like sexist pigs if you look good!  I told her about one of my jobs I had when I was going thru the breakup with my son's dad.  I had gotten fired and was in the process of having my home foreclosed on because my son's dad wasn't helping pay the mortgage since we split.  I desperately needed the shitty job I ended up getting.  That set the stage for me to put up with some sexual harassment from my boss.  It was a terrible time of my life.

Turned out the guy hired me because he wanted to fuck me.  Nice.  So he was feeling me up whenever he had a chance and no one was around.  Just quick grabs here and there.  I NEEDED the job so just pulled away when he'd grab my ass or tit or sneak up and rub his stiffy up against my backside.  I didn't make a big deal of it.  I'd try to laugh it off.  I needed to feed my 3 kids and I was on my own.  I couldn't risk pissing the fucker off and he was volatile.  When we were around my 2 co-workers he would scream and yell at me.  Insults and fun shit like that.  Or else he'd call me "Peaches".  Never knew what to expect but he was bi-polar so....So when I told my co-workers what was going on, they didn't believe me.  The woman even turned against me and started acting like uber bitch to me.  What a lovely cunt she was. 

I ended up getting another job thru a temp agency.  The day after I got the new job I went to work early, with a letter of resignation and slapped that and my key on his desk and walked out.  Never laid eyes on the bastard again.  Never did a lawsuit because even my own co-workers didn't believe me, so it was pointless.

After that job I started a steady weight gain.  It wasn't a conscious decision but I've discovered that being fat is a safe place in many ways.  I think part of me was looking for a safe place.  When I'm fat, I know men appreciate me for what I bring to the table - my brains and abilities, not because they are thinking with their dicks.  I find a lot of comfort in that!  I don't have to deal with men's stupid, obnoxious sides as much.  Being fat makes you somewhat invisible to them.  They usually won't act like letches to fat girls.  Not always but usually they won't.  Their upper brains work better around fat girls. 

I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago.  It was so much fun to look hot again!  I did it because I wanted to feel confident enough to go back to dating.  The side effects were that I got a lot of attention from men thinking with their dicks again.  It mostly worked out because I was thinking with my nether regions also...there were solid reasons for "dating" and most of it had nothing to do with love...that was a sideline wish but not necessary for my survival.  I have lots of love in my life and don't require a man to feel loved.  But I do require a man for sex sometimes...toys just aren't as satisfying!

Doing the dating site thing was soul killing after a while and I'd have to take breaks so I wouldn't end up hating men and their idiotic dick brains.  I know I was party to it also but at least I wasn't running around offering pictures of my pussy to strange men that I saw pics of on dating sites!  I wasn't sending them messages offering my "services" because I'd be in their neighborhood for some other event and could stop by for a quickie after.  This is what I got from men I'd never spoken to or messaged before!  This was their introductory approach! It was entertaining for short periods and then it just got obnoxious.  Even tho I was looking for some action, a little hint of respect is nice for Christ's sake!!  Was it really necessary to fall to that base a level?  Was it really, you horny little fuckers???

DAMMIT!!!  I deleted a paragraph by mistake here!  SHIT!!  Sigh...it wasn't that important anyway. It was about my current work and that was minor compared to the story about the past employer/asswipe I told you about up top.  Back to the entry in progress...

So now I'm fat again.  And the crap has stopped at work.  I can once more live under the illusion that the men I work for aren't sometimes pigs.  And now I'm going to try to lose the weight again.  And while I love looking good and all the side effects, like feeling sexy and more athletic and being healthier, when I achieve these goals I will also have to deal with some of the male bullshit again also.  I wonder how old I'll have to be before that stops?  And will I miss it?  Hard to say.  Can't say I miss it now so probably not. 

At least I won't ever be on any dating sites anymore!!  I have my Mr. K so those dick brains can piss off!!  It won't be nearly so bad this time around because I have him!

But there are benefits to being fat.

Penelope's post

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WOW!  She just did some things to my computer that I've never seen before...she may have a future in IT!

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Adult Content warning removed

It was bugging the shit out of me so I removed it.  I figure no one will be reading my blog who can't tolerate a bit of potty mouth.

1st week - progress is made!

It was weigh in day today and all that hunger paid off!  I lost 2.6 lbs since last Tuesday!  YAY!!!  Wouldn't it be nice if weight came off as easily as it comes on?  At least it's coming off.  I'm back under that dreaded threshold now and now the plan is to widen the gap.  As a reward, Weight Watchers took away one of my points.  Oh well.  It's a sign of progress if I want to be positive about it!

Today I'm suffering with a painful lower back again.  It's very difficult to stand up straight.  Was like this all day yesterday too.  I'll be calling my chiropractor for an appt in a bit.  This is what I get for ignoring the signals my body sent me last week.  I was warned!  Then again, it's probably better to go when there is actually a problem instead of a warning signal.  This is yet another reason why it's good for me to lose weight.  I have a deep curve in my lower back.  It runs in the family.  But this curve means that when I carry extra weight it puts the rest of my spine under duress.  I suppose it's that way with everyone but my chiropractor said mine was going to be more of a problem for that than usual.  He's the only doctor I have who has gotten on me about my weight.  The others never say a thing.  He tells me I need to lose weight to be healthier and to save my back.  I really appreciate that about him!  He's being honest!

On that note, there is a movement for fat people to accept themselves as beautiful and to fight back against the biases.  It seems to be ok to make fun of fat people.  We even have sitcoms where fat people make fun of themselves.  yay.  I have mixed feelings about all this.  On the one hand, I don't think self loathing is good for anyone.  I think you should do what you can to feel good about yourself at any size.  At the same time, it is unhealthy to be overweight.  I don't think it's something to be celebrated.  I think folks who are overweight should try to do something to get themselves healthier.  Look at their diet and activity levels and make some adjustments if possible.  I don't think wallowing in it is a good thing.  I do think being fat is a health problem.  Just like smoking or other risky behaviors. 

I've probably spent close to half my life being fat so I'm not being a snob about it.  I've struggled with negative feelings about my appearance.  I know I can look better because I have.  It's harder for me to be slim than heavy...seems like my natural tendency is towards heavy.  But I don't like having disappearing cheekbones or my muffin top.  I've had a number of problems because of my weight.  They especially crop up when I get to a certain level...which sadly I hit right around the holidays this year. 

One of the most annoying is my skin.  My skin doesn't like this and will sometimes get really irritated and get patches that act like hives.  Raised, hot, sore welts on my abdomen.  It feels like the skin gets hardened in areas where my pants or bra are snug on my skin.  When these kick up it often takes a couple of days to settle down.  This never happens to me unless I'm big.  I do NOT like it when it does!

Another, that I've luckily avoided this time around, is plantar fasciitis.  I have high arches in my feet.  Last time I got really heavy I suffered thru months of pain with every step before I finally accepted that the problem wouldn't heal without help.  I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis.  This means the tissues that attach to your heel become inflamed and have little tears in them that continue to be damaged/irritated with every step.  The description I just googled says it is a common result of long periods of weight bearing.  It was NOT fun to live with.  Every step I took hurt!  Makes it rather difficult to lose weight when exercise becomes sharply painful.  I had to get special arch supports, lots of anti-inflammatory meds and icing.  It cleared up.  I don't want it back again. 

I already mentioned my back. 

Another thing is athleticism.  When I'm slim, hiking around and rock climbing are so much fun!  I trust my body and it's easier to move it where I want it when I'm not hauling extra weight or off balance.  When I'm fat, tying my shoelaces can make me breath hard.  (Bending over can make it hard to breath around a fat gut.)  I love to be out and exploring the world I live in so while I also love delicious fatty food, I need to remember the cost to the other side of my life if I don't manage my appetite. 

I don't think I need to talk about sex except to say that if you feel sexy, sex is a TON more fun!  If you aren't happy with your body and would prefer to hide it than flaunt it...well this isn't rocket science is it? 

This entry is reinforcing my commitment to losing weight.  I am a pleasure seeker in life.  I love things that make me feel good!  One of those things is food and it's one that I have easy access to at pretty much any time compared to other things I like to do.  This love affair can interfere with the others BIG TIME if I don't strive for some balance.  I'm not out hiking in mountains all the time.  My boyfriend lives over 1,200 miles away so I'm not thinking about being sexy much either.  (I wonder how he'll feel about my tendency to change into saggy, baggy sweats the minute I walk in the door from work?)  So this part of my life needs to be consciously managed. 

I am pleased with the progress I made this past week.  I really needed that!  I want to do it again this coming Monday!

adult content warning

I put that on this site because I can be a potty mouth sometimes.  And sometimes I talk about sex...not graphically (aren't you relieved?) but in general.  I doubt I ever would be graphic since my kids read this and that would be gross!!  Oh I also wrote about heavy periods...the bloody, messy kind.  And big dicks...but that was funny. 
But going into my blog is a bit annoying and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting to myself?  It is pretty tame tho I wouldn't want a 10 yr old reading it.  But who lets their 10 yr olds peruse random blogs? 

If there is anyone out there reading this, please comment and let me know if you think I should keep the content warning or remove it.

Thank you.  Thank you very much. (bowing on my way off stage...)

waiting, productivity, automated phone systems and the iffy apple

I'm bored.  Sitting here at work waiting for something to happen.  Everything is put away, my archiving project is done for the year and until I'm done billing Nov. I can't run reports or get started on Dec.  Sigh. 

At least I can blame others.  When I typed that I was thinking about how productive I'd be if I wasn't constantly waiting on others and then I realized I'm not all the productive when I'm left to my own devices either. 

I have several projects at home that I have managed to put off for YEARS.  So before I start patting myself on the back and thinking I'm the best, I should probably get those done.  Will I do that?  Probably not...well some day, but it isn't imminent.  I have tons of excuses!  Like the damaged wood under the kitchen sink that needs to be replaced?  I cringe when I think of what that will do to my back.  And I don't do it.  If replacing the ballcock (said it again :)) in my toilet causes twinges for a couple of days, that project could cripple me!  I need to do it if I want to sell the house.  People always look under the kitchen sink.  The leak is fixed.  I think - probably should check that again since this house likes to replay favorite leaks every few years.  I got tired of paying plumbers every few years to do repeats so I do it myself now.  Fun.  So now it's a matter of replacing the damaged wood.  Ick.

I don't mind projects that don't require contortionism or brute strength.  Sadly there aren't a lot of those.  Most require contortions at a minimum.  I should design user friendly houses!  Where you can comfortably fix plumbing issues or access a water heater!  But I'm not creative like that.  I don't think.  Basically I just don't know how to design a house and am too lazy to learn.  And if I did learn they would probably convince me that it is great to save space by making these items awkward and miserable to fix at a later date.  Because it keeps happening doesn't it?  Yes it does.  They're good!

Ok I'm bored with that subject!  Here's one...yesterday I had to make a call to a client's AP 800# about some past due invoices.  Automated answering services are soul killing.  I was literally banging my head on my desk after my 3rd attempt to access a real human being since the automated system was completely useless.  Sometimes you need to talk to someone with a brain, you know?  Doesn't even require a big brain, but a brain and a mouth that can speak and maybe some fingers that can type and submit tickets to help resolve your problems...that's nice too. 

I had to go thru the run around and listen to a perky recorded voice telling me all about how I could sign up for this and that service to make this process even easier than it is!  WOW!  Easier?  I personally think they set those systems up to drive vendors away.  I had to get those invoices resolved.  It's my job!  So when I wanted to stop I would bang my head a little, hang up, and start over.  I hated my job right then.  A lot.  I did get thru finally!!  I got all my information to the gal (human) who answered.  Then I had to do it again because the ticket she was putting together for me didn't load.  But after 2 tries it was all submitted.  Now I wait and see if it pays off. 

Still waiting on an ex-co-worker (double hyphens!) to get the last of her billing to me.  Since she is an ex-co-worker I have no leverage to motivate her poky ass.  Dammit!  Not that I was successful when she was just a co-worker.  She works at her own pace...like dial-up internet.  She decided to quit her job here but part of the agreement was for her to finish up her bills for the month.  She's dragging that the fuck out!!  Drives me bat shit!!  I should have been done with all this last week but she feeds a little at a time then announces that's it until tomorrow.  Bitch.  I just keep telling myself that this is the last month I ever have to deal with her BS.  If I get lucky enough to get everything sometime today I may have a drink to celebrate tonight!  Maybe not because it's fattening and I am determined to drop some poundage but maybe...

I took a 2 hr walk at MOA last night with my pal Kim.  We were setting up a scavenger hunt for some kids to do tonight.  I hope it goes well!  But the main point is, I exercised and enjoyed it!  Aside from my back twinges and then later the hip acting hinky.  I should probably go to the chiropractor since these are signals that something is out of whack.  But it's a mild annoyance at this point so I hate to be bothered.  I have important things to do...like go home and bury my nose in a book and hang out with my lazy dog.  Tho I should fix the damned kitchen sink boards.  Bleah.  Chronic guilt...that's what home improvements are.  There's always something that should be fixed or maintained.  Renting sounds so sweet to me after 15 years as the proud owner of a mobile home with issues. 

I'm hungry.  I know this is a good thing when I'm trying to lose weight but it gets really old.  Maybe I should eat my iffy apple.  It'll probably still taste good even tho it's moving into a soft zone.  Free points!  I'm having a hard time reaching over there and grabbing it.  Looks ok, just sitting there.  But when I touch it, it won't be all nice and firm like it should be.  Well sooner or later I need to either eat the damned thing or throw it away.  I think I'll debate on that a bit.  I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought if I won't eat my iffy apple yet.  It's a honey crisp.  Those are good!  But still...

Fresh Start!

This is my 2nd blog.  I kept trying to change my email address on my last blog and it said I couldn't use a gmail address.  Now I can apparently?  Retarded!!  I'm going to let the other blog slip away into oblivion and use this instead.

I just transferred over my most favorite posts and am all set to go!

Just got it set up and I love the way it looks WAY more than the last blog!!  I'm happy!!

fun with my toilet & Bruiser's potty drama

I just replaced the ballcock in my toilet. It's a simple thing. Shut off the water. Drain the tank. Disconnect the water line. Remove the old part. Prepare the new part - Switch out the float (new part didn't come with that), adjust the height, connect the tubing. Pop into tank and reconnect everything! Ta Da!

It didn't go that smoothly for me. My toilet is tucked in a little space that is extremely awkward to work in. So I'm squirming around trying to see. My glasses keep sliding around as I move my head to SEEING anything was a challenge. I finally found my sweet spot with my head cuddled up against the bowl and my legs wrapped around it (sort of). Then I began to undo the locknut. Or I thought I was undoing it. I would undo it then I'd tighten it then I'd undo it and then I'd tighten it again and finally I got the new one to look at pretty much every time I had to adjust the robogrip. FINALLY got the damned thing off. My back was complaining pretty loudly by this point!

Then I put everything back in and it came time to use plumber's tape to connect the water line. Holy fuck is that shit annoying!!! It wants to fold up into a string, it won't stick to anything and comes undone faster than you can wrap it and then, you drop the holder and have to start over. I exercised my swearing skills a bit!

But in the end I got the job done! Everything is back together and there are no leaks (yet). It is QUIET!! It has been running endlessly for a while now so to have a silent toilet is thrilling! It's the little things in life that make me smile :)

As soon as I finished Bruiser announced that he had to go out immediately. I'm grateful he was patient and let me get the toilet fixed first! So I let him out and went back to put everything away. Went to check on him and he was happily surveying his domain from the sidewalk so I let him be a few minutes longer (it's a cold night out). Finally heard him barking so went to let him in and he started what has become his normal re-entry routine...

First of all he gets stressed and starts crying.

Next he is SURE he must be tangled around the tree and heads for it to walk around it. This tends to tangle him more often than untangle him.

At that point I start reeling him in. I have the leash hooked up by the top of the stairs to I can pull him in. This is necessary unless I want to run down and grab him and carry him in every time I let him out.

So I got him around the tree and aimed at the house. Then he starts stressing about the stairs. He always makes it up the stairs (he's an old dog fyi) but in the last year or so he worries a lot. I have to give him a tug and then he decides to go for it. He makes it! Whew! I suppose one of these days he won't but it hasn't happened yet.

Life with a deaf, smelly, geriatric dog is interesting! I do love the little furball tho :)

No more excuses!

I'm finally there! Thru the gauntlet of the holidays and there are no more excuses to put off doing some weight loss!!

I stepped on the scale today and it was painful to see what I've done to myself. Not unexpected but painful. I've crossed a boundary I'd vowed never to cross again and it was depressing. I need to fight those feelings of depression tho because I tend to want to medicate bad feelings with food. Not going to be doing that for months to come if I can avoid it! I still need to keep myself positive!

Part of that is to imagine where I want to get to and how good it'll feel to get there. I'm not happy with my appearance or how I feel lately. It will feel good to change! I need to keep that in my mind when the cravings come later, and they will come. They always do! I've been successful before so I know I can do it again. It takes commitment. And constantly reaffirming that commitment. That's where I tend to fall down. I'm hoping this journal will help with that.

This morning was a bit of a struggle. Everyone has gone back to work! Traffic levels sucked! I had my moment of panic this AM when the traffic backed up way earlier in the commute than usual and I was watching the folks behind me flying up and clenching my teeth, bracing for impact thinking "don't hit me, don't hit me, don't hit me". They didn't. Holiday traffic was sooooo nice! All those people taking time off work, all those offices and schools closed! Now it's back to normal. Shit.

Even Bruiser was on a delayed schedule today. I had to wake him up and get him moving so he'd eat and go potty before I left! That's a little bit of vengeance for me since he feels compelled to bark at me and wake me up early on my days off.

My daughter was texting me this AM about how sick she was. She has my sympathy but at the same time, she HAS to work or she gets no money so sick or not she has a judgement call to make. Can she afford to miss that work? I hope she gets a job that has benefits some day. I feel so bad for folks who don't have benefits. It sucks balls to not be able to stay home when you're sick! I stayed home a day last time I was sick but still had to go to work as soon as I was able because sick or not, work needed to get done! All of us do it. Even tho I have benefits I've used them up before and had to take the financial hit because of a sick day so I guess benefits aren't always a safeguard.

My tummy is growling. Hungry is good! This is my mantra today!!

2012 Resolutions

I have two resolutions for this coming year.

#1 Lose some weight before my 30th class reunion coming up in July.

I have my work cut out for me with this. I think I may even embarrass myself by posting my weekly weight-ins here and writing about what I'm doing to accomplish this goal. I doubt it will be inspiring but hopefully it'll be successful!

I lost a bunch of weight a while ago but have managed to gain most of it back. I'd hoped to manage it better than I have but now I have work to do again. I love to bake and I love to eat!! Not a great combination for someone who gains weight just by thinking about it! Healthy food can be really tasty but it just isn't the same.

Losing weight is such a mind game for me. When I did it the last time it was because I wanted to get laid. Yes, I said that! I was going to put myself back into the dating pool again. Was hoping for love but sex was something I wanted even more than that. I'm in my prime and the lack of good, groaning, sweaty sex was driving me bat shit! Bad age to be single! I figured I'd better improve my looks if I wanted some attention and it worked even better than planned!

I had more attention than I knew what to do with! And I remembered why I hate dating. REALLY HATE DATING!! It gets hard to take after a while. I had to take regular breaks from it to keep from wanting to...I don't know. I wish I would have blogged about those adventures! I was keeping a journal back then but it's on the risque side to post here.

I don't date anymore. Whew! I have met a man I am crazy about! I met him on facebook of all places! An ex-classmate that I never hung out with back in the day. I bet we never said 2 words to each other when we were kids. We had nothing in common then and wouldn't have known what to do with each other anyway. Well I know what to do with him now!

Back to the mind game point I started making...when I lost weight last time it was to get laid. This was a HUGE motivator for me! Now, the motivator is to try to avoid having my old classmates say "she really let herself go". Sadly that's not a great motivator for me. I've made a habit of not caring a whole lot about what others think about me, unless it impedes me getting something I want. What do I want from my classmates? Well, if I don't succeed at this weight loss plan I want them to keep their "she really let herself go" comments amongst themselves...I do not want to hear it! They can say it (they will even without my permission) but shush please when it comes to me! If I do succeed then I don't want anything but the pleasure of seeing them all again!

BF says he doesn't care about my weight and encourages me to eat. He gets disappointed if I eat boring food. He is no help with weight loss. So somehow I have to convince myself that losing weight is necessary for something I want (see the problem?) and this has to stick for months to come for me to have success.

I'm thinking that shame might work. If I record my efforts here, in public, it could help me stick to my plan. Worth a shot!

#2 Become a renter instead of a homeowner.

This one can potentially take a lot of work and money. I live in a mobile home and have heard rumors that the park office is trying to get rid of older homes like mine, unless they are upgraded. But I have a game plan.

This spring I will talk to the park office and get the scoop on what the real story is. Find out if I need to side the house and put new windows on it before it'll be allowed to stay in the park.

Next step is to talk to a realtor. If the park demands that improvements be made then I need to find out from the realtor what my options are. If I make the improvements, can I sell the home for enough to get my money back so can pay off the loans? Or should I leave it as is, have it hauled off the lot and let someone buy it cheap and fix it up the way they want it? There are a lot of possibilities to be considered.

One way or another I intend to get my house sold. It's a step in my master plan!

I gave away about half a houseful of furniture the beginning of December! I'm thinning out my life/stuff. It feels better than I thought it would! I have my bedroom and my kitchen intact (well some stuff has been given away from the kitchen) and my recliner and TV/stand in the living room. Not much else. I want to get my belongings down to a single truck load so I still have some work to do. It is almost like being dead and parceling out your belongings to loved ones. This is my preview of what I'll miss out on when I'm actually dead!

I figure these 2 subjects will give me enough to write about in the coming year.