Fixations and obsessions but not OCD

I was just reading a blog "Single Dad Laughing" where the author lets people post things about themselves and then he puts it into a post.  http://www.danoah.com/2014/01/50-more-weird-confessions-4.html

I realize that I’m not nearly as crazy as some people are!  WOO HOO!!!

Kind of a relief as I’ve been wondering if I should get some counseling lately. 

Guess I’m not ready to completely toss that possibility out the window just yet but now I feel much less concerned about my periods of fixating, obsessing and freaking out over certain key items.  Like my car.  And my kitchen floor.  I have to work really hard to logic myself out of stress balls over those things sometimes.  And weirdly those are the main 2 things I fixate on. 

The car thing has been calm lately since my big, expensive repair, since it stopped the stuttering crap but next time I plan a road trip it’ll probably kick into high gear again.  I wasn't always like this.  Years ago I’d climb in my piece of crap cars with my kids and head for the hills without worrying about it.  I had several break-downs doing that.  I suppose most have?  Anyway, now I talk myself out of most road trips because I don’t want to stress about the possibility of my car breaking down.  The only way out of that would be to have a brand new car under warranty.  Can't afford one so that's not an option.  So I have to fight with myself every time I plan a road trip.  It gets mentally exhausting dealing with myself sometimes.  And I annoy others with it while I fret also. 

My kitchen floor triggers me too.  The ridge in the floor that caused the original crack in the linoleum is still there.  Despite my repairs and new flooring, I tip toe around it.  I had to put at least 1 rug over it and I want to put more down but am resisting the urge.  Lacey thinks I’m nuts.  She doesn’t see the ridge.  I see where the new flooring is separating.  (Click vinyl flooring) I feel urgency to sell the house before the flooring goes to hell again.  Even with my pretty new floor, which I thought would solve this problem, I can’t leave it alone. 

I logic it away.  If the floor does break down it’s a weekend of work taking the floor apart and repairing it, plus a box of flooring for extra parts so probably less than $100 cash outlay.  Really the least of my worries. 

But when people stand or sit over/on the ridge I can’t stop thinking about it.  They will be talking to me and I'm distracted because they are standing on/near "THE RIDGE".  And I want them to move but don't want to reveal my craziness so I shut up and then think "what were they just talking about?"    Sometimes I don't even want to come home because of it.  Wow!  I just admitted that! 

GET AWAY FROM THE RIDGE!!!

Sometimes I fight back by making myself step on it.  Yeah, I am kind of weird. 

It feels like some weird mental illness.  But it’s not OCD.  I have no counting compulsions.  I don’t feel like the world will end or something terrible will happen.  I’m just totally freaking weird about my kitchen floor and it’s part of the reason I hate staying in the house longer.  And I am now paranoid as hell about taking road trips.  To the point where I rarely visit my Mother and brother back in ND anymore. 

true picture of North Dakota landscape (I'm a liar)

I am tabling my plan to put the house on the market for a while.  Some things need to be sorted out as far as Penelope's welfare first.  She needs a stable environment and her mom's attention since she still doesn't speak and can not be put into a regular daycare as she has no way of defending herself or expressing her thoughts about what's going and how it affects her.  It would be detrimental to Penelope for her mom to work full-time job to support her.  While all kids need their moms, Penelope REALLY needs her mom's focus right now.  Having a special needs child in the family ratchets up some things...there's a reason they call them special needs...lots of extras needed to help them reach their potential!  Extra considerations have to be taken for their welfare. 

I'm going to have to deal with this bit of weirdness I have going on. 

That's why I'm considering counseling.  One of the reasons.  There are a lot of stressors on me at the moment.  Seems weird considering how rather boring my day to day life is but there are goals to be reached and finances required to hit those goals.  Debt has been incurred while pay was cut and it needs to be paid down.  

There are certain problem people that need to be dealt with or I need to find a new job. 

Staying here is good and bad for me.  Leaving is good and bad for me.  Both have some high emotional cost and losses.  I will be paying regardless. 

Really, my fixating thingy is probably the least of my worries. 

My blogs aren't funny lately. 

I need a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

An "intellectual experiment" and Atheist churches? Really?

I just read a couple of articles that surprised me a bit.  The first one was about a pastor who decided to try being an atheist for a year.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/08/pastor-learns-the-price-of-atheism/?hpt=hp_c3

That story was connected to another about an atheist church.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/04/after-a-schism-a-question-can-atheist-churches-last/

And yet another about the 6 types of atheists.  http://www.atheismresearch.com/  (I have tried linking several sites for this article and can't get the links to work - copy and paste this to access the article - sorry I don't know what the problem is)

The atheist pastor was the first to stymie me.  He decided to do it as some sort of “intellectual experiment”.  Then he promptly lost 2 jobs teaching at Christian schools.  Why am I not surprised about that?

While I think it’s admirable for him to try to understand I don’t think you can pretend to be an atheist and really “get” what being an atheist is.  You can find out a few things maybe but to really understand, you have to lack belief.  He calls himself an agnostic.  I AM an agnostic.  I don’t know how you can be a teacher at a Christian school that requires you to state your Christian beliefs as part of the employment process or to be a pastor if you’re actually an agnostic. 

Definition from Wikipedia:  Agnosticism is the belief that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are unknown.^[1][2][3] Agnosticism sometimes indicates doubt or a skeptical approach to questions. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.

If he still holds the title of pastor and teaches at this Christian school, how can he possibly be agnostic?  Unless he’s a liar? 

He can’t know what it feels like to be a true atheist.  He can’t even really know how it feels to be a true agnostic, like myself. 

I am an agnostic because I don’t believe in God.  Let’s say I’m exceptionally skeptical.  I am an agnostic because I don’t completely disbelieve the possibility of God.  I could be wrong.  I don’t really think so but since I don’t know everything I can’t say for 100% certainty that there is no God.  I just don’t think it’s very likely. 

This means I can’t tip the scales into being an atheist though let’s just say I dance harder in that direction than in the direction of the church. 

The thing is, this pastor, at his core, believes.  That is why his “intellectual experiment” will fail.  Faith or lack of faith is a very personal thing.  You can fake it.  But you’ll know you’re faking it.  I knew I was faking it.  I still go to church for weddings and funerals.  I know all the words and the rituals.  I love some of the music.  I feel like a fraud. 

Church used to be a comforting place.  I went to Sunday school, was confirmed, attended adult bible studies & women’s study groups and taught Sunday school. 

Over the years I debated my thoughts on my studies in various groups and with pastors.  Some of whom embraced those debates and enjoyed them and some who shut me down promptly, saying “that’s not what we believe.”  I truly enjoyed those debates and my studies!  (Slight detour:  One of my favorites was the idea that Satan was God’s best angel.  People didn’t like that one but really, it makes a lot of sense when you think about it.  If God is supposed to be omniscient.  If he is all powerful, then how could Satan be doing evil if God didn’t allow it?  God needs contrast.  If everything is all fluffy and good  and sweet as sugar, would anyone appreciate it?  Would they worship God if they didn’t know that Satan was out there causing all kinds of evil things to happen?  If they didn’t need someone to save them?  Think about it.)

The thing is I didn’t only study the bible.  I’m fascinated by this entire planet, the universe and by human beings and their history.  These things all came together in me and moved me away from the church.  That was a long process (years).   

Here is what I believe. 

I believe that humankind has been inventing Gods since they could think enough to be scared and to try to do something to feel less afraid.  They invented Gods to give them an illusion of control over the chaos of this world.  If they just did this, this and/or this well enough and often enough, God would save them.  If they weren’t saved, then someone screwed up or it was just God’s will.  That’s my very simplified view.  It’s bigger than that tho.  It’s something humans did all over the world.  Sacrifice was a big theme. 

It also creates a common belief system that helps hold groups together and gives them rules to follow so as not to piss God off and end up causing some disaster to your tribe or going to hell.  God is a great unifier of people.  God motivates people to be better than they might be without the threat of hell or tragedy. 

I do believe in the possibility of life after death.  Not necessarily in heaven.  But I think the soul goes on.  I believe in the soul.  I have felt it leave the body.  I believe I have had "visitations" from loved ones who have passed on.  I like to dream that reincarnation could be right and maybe I could come back to this miraculous planet again in some new life.  I do love being here.  It's magnificent!

There are horrible things done in the name of God.  Many, many, many horrible things.  And those horrible things also unite and help to control groups of people. 

Anyway. 

I could go on about this in depth but that’s not really the point.  I wanted to give you a brief synopsis of why I’m agnostic.  It’s not because I have issues with the church.  It’s not because I think the church is bad.  It’s just that I don’t believe. 

To get back on point.  This pastor can’t pretend to be an atheist and expect to truly understand what being an atheist is.  Because he believes. 

It is strange to be an outsider.  He might get that but probably not.  He won’t know what it’s like to stand in a church with a room full of believers and not believe.  He can’t know what it feels like for me to go to church.  To feel like, if I say the words that I know from all those years when I believed, am I belittling their beliefs because I don’t?  Or should I say the words and fit in out of respect for their beliefs even if I am lying with every word?  He won’t feel that.  I do. 

How about when he goes on facebook, assuming he does, and some tragedy befalls a friend and everyone is sending prayers.  Will he be sitting there thinking how useless that is?  I do.  Will he feel ineffectual and helpless?  I do.  Will he wish he believed so he could pray and feel like he was doing something even tho he really wasn’t?  I do. 

Will he be quiet about his pretend lack of belief?  I doubt it since that wouldn’t really help his “intellectual experiment” would it?  I normally prefer to be quiet. 

Here is why I normally prefer to be quiet. 

There aren’t that many of us.  We, the agnostics and atheists, are outsiders to the majority.  Believers tend to see you as damaged or broken and try to fix you.  My own Mother has made the comment that she somehow failed because I don't believe.  They sometimes argue with you and tell you you’re wrong.  They sometimes stop being friends with you. 

We are outsiders.  We are not part of that cozy congregation any longer.  There is some pain of separation involved.  At least for me there is. 

We are sometimes perceived as lacking morals because you can’t have morals if you aren’t afraid of going to hell right?  I have the same morals as I did when I was a practicing Christian.  It’s a nicer way to live doing nice things for people!  I’m not interested in suddenly running around doing all kinds of bad things.  I never was nice or mean because I thought I was going to heaven or hell to begin with!  Being raised a Lutheran you pretty much are guaranteed a spot in the clouds so you should want to be good in gratitude.  I wasn’t raised to fear going to hell.  Never have worried about that.  Still managed to grow into a pretty nice person anyway.  I think I’m pretty nice anyway!

Probably the biggest reason I don’t say anything is because I don’t want my Christian friends to think I’m looking down on them.  Sometimes agnostics/atheists are perceived as condescending.  Well, we can be but Christians can be condescending also so I think we’re even.  It’s generally easier to avoid the subject for me.

Sadly, I think this priest, who lost 2 jobs in his attempt to have this “intellectual experiment” of atheism, is doomed to fail because he cannot truly understand.  Unless he is actually an atheist.  Or agnostic.  Or becomes one because there’s some part of him that doubts and he is testing that. 

This ran a bit long so I’ll quickly touch on the other 2 articles…well mostly the atheist church since the 6 types idea…hmmm I’m a middle one and I love how they try to compartmentalize people all the time.  Not. 

The atheist church gives me the shudders!  I do miss the sense of community of the church.  I get that!  But a shared belief is what brings the Christians together.  Would I want to go to a church to talk about how great it is to NOT believe?  Or to bitch about believers?  Not on your life!! Holy cripes!!  Well, there are extremists everywhere.  Kind of sounds like the idea behind this church is to debate the rightness of non-belief.  Well I guess that’s kind of like the Christian church which reinforces reasons for belief.  But still!  Much as I sometimes miss that sense of community the church provided I think I’ll take a pass on attending an atheist church! 

(And they meet on Sundays…for some reason I find that pretty funny!)

It's a new year! Some things will be changing and some things won't.

I'm reading my friend's postings on facebook about their new diets and intentions to get healthier in 2014.  I'm doing the same thing so I'm interested! 

I'm learning I'm not nearly as committed as some.

I recently saw a friend who's fit, gorgeous, smart, etc. coaching another friend on his plans to diet.  She doesn't look her age in my opinion.  She's a bit younger than me but is stunning and looks in her 30's I think.  For real.  People say that about me but as I have a 30 yr old daughter I look at her and know it to be incorrect. 

Anyway, it gave me a window into her life.  A window that made me realize that no matter how beautiful she is or fit or smart, her lifestyle will not work for me.  My immediate gut reaction to their discussion was that life wouldn't be worth living any more and they were pretty much focused on talking about things you drink as far as specifics went!  It doesn't take much I'm afraid...

They talked about drinking water most of the time (ick - this is my personal opinion - I'm not a water person unless it's super hot outside). 

No soda, diet or otherwise.  Not an option for me because I LOVE the fizzy stuff!!  My diet mountain dew, the occasional coke that is sooooo delicious!!  And not to mention diet A&W root beer to mix with Rum Chata!  Deliciousness!!!  That's pretty much the sodas I drink so there aren't many but the ones I like I really like, enough to put up with caffeine addictions to have!

Limited alcohol.  This one is not as much of a biggy because wine is OK in moderation.  I tend to drink very moderately anyway so that works for me, but still, no vodka?  No limoncello?  (I make it with everclear and apparently clear alcohol is bad news)  I guess I shouldn't get worked up about that since I have a little vodka sitting in my house and it hasn't been touched for months and haven't had limoncello in the house for a VERY long time since I haven't gotten around to brewing up a batch in many months.  Guess that's not much of a hardship in reality but I loves me some Rum Chata and Disaronno now and again! 

Honestly all they had to discuss was drinking water most of the time and I realized I will never, ever be like her.  And I realized that's ok. I'm still going to exercise more and do portion control.  I will drink less alcohol because weight watchers points on alcohol are ridiculous!  5 pts for a glass of vino!  When you get to eat 29 pts a day that's a chunk and you have to wonder if it's worth it?  It's not most of the time.  Alcohol will be even more of a rare treat than it is now.  Which is fine. 

One problem will be reducing my limeade intake.  I have a crazy love for that delicious juice!!  But it's fattening and I probably drink more calories on that than anything else during the week.  I will stop buying it except for rare occasions I think.  Makes me sad.  But if I can have it now and then I can deal with that.

I will drink more water but it will probably never be my primary drink. 

And earlier I guess I didn't quite hit my main point.  My main point is that for me, controlling my diet to that extent makes life not worth living.  Stupid isn't it? 

But food is a great love of mine.  HUGE!!!  It has been a great love my entire life.  Good food and drink.  They called me bottomless pit as a kid for good reason!  I love food!!  I love to make it, to eat it, to smell it, to look at it.  When I open my favorite bottle of wine I like to just smell it - makes me happy to just smell it!  It's one of the great joys in life for me!  I'll eat it when I'm not even hungry because I love the stuff! 

People think you must be filling some emotional void in your life if you over eat.  I over eat because I love food.  That simple!   Apparently I love it more than the average person. 

Ken understands because he's the same way.  We talk about what we ate like it's almost a competition each day, commenting on how good this or that sounds.  Talking about recipes we want to try.  We watch cooking shows and wish we could try everything.  When he comes for a visit one of the main things discussed is which of our favorite places we'll go out to eat at!  We have a love of food in common.  You could say we're foodies.  We're interested in weird food, common food, strange or compelling combinations, good food, curious about bad food..  I'm considering trying lutefisk just because I'm curious.  I've eaten alligator and raccoon.  I've eaten durian (I don't recommend this).  We are wired this way. It's one of the things I love about my life and I don't want to change it.  But I do need to manage it better. 

In order for me to have a successful, healthy lifestyle, I need to work on the art of moderation and exercise.  If for one minute I start thinking I can't have something, it's all over.  I've learned this about myself over years of dieting.  But if I think I can have some later, when the time is right and be thoughtful about my choices, then it works.  Instead of no, it's no for now. 

I've done it before.  I practiced moderation.  I lost about 50 pounds.  Then I stopped.  I went back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted and in quantities I wanted.  And here I am again. 

Moderation is the new lifestyle option for me.  That's what I really need to work on!

A few things about me...

I'm an Agnostic

I was raised a Lutheran.  A number of years ago I finally admitted to myself that I didn't believe and I stepped away from the church.  In a way I'm sad about it because it was a great community to be part of, but I couldn't live a lie any longer.  I felt like a fraud.  I don't believe.  I don't condemn the church or try to turn others away from it.  This is a personal issue.  It's mine.  I mostly keep it to myself since it puts me outside the norm and often people try to "fix" me or feel I'm looking down on them if I admit it.  So this is normally a pretty private thing for me.

I'm a fiscal conservative and tend to vote GOP. 

I have little faith in our government.  I would like to see federal power reduced.  I think more of our taxes should be back in our pockets so that WE can grow the economy.  I would like term limits on congress.  It should be a service to our country, not a life long career.  They should have to go back out and live with the decisions they've made.

I do believe we need welfare.  I have been in tight spots in my life and welfare saved me and my kids.  I've also seen generational welfare.  Welfare should not be a way of life.  Keeping this short and sweet summarizing my basic beliefs so that's enough on that subject. 

I would like to see people take the reins more in their own lives.  We don't need to be told what to do or think.  I don't like the thought police.  I don't like people telling me what I can and can't eat, if I have to have insurance, that I have to believe this or that or I'm unacceptable and shouldn't be allowed to speak.

I have serious issues with the GOP religious right. 

I don't like it when they try to pump a religious agenda into government.  Church and state should be separate.  We'll end up like the middle east if religion starts running things.  There's good reason to keep religion out of government in a country that is supposed to represent freedom! 

That brings up another thing...as someone who has actually studied the bible (I made an educated decision when I became agnostic) it seems beyond obnoxious to use religion to judge people.  I was raised that being a Christian was about loving your neighbor and treating them like you'd want to be treated.  I'm not seeing this happening with the religious right. I'm seeing some dangerously sanctimonious people judging others as not good enough and spewing a lot of hateful things.  Not cool.

I have gay friends and family members.

Since that is a private matter I won't go into detail except that I have gay family members and friends and love them.  It's up to them to broadcast it if they wish.  I don't get to use their private business for my own.  Be clear though - I won't tolerate a bigot.

I come from a multi-racial family.

People look at me and see a white woman.  If they find out I tend to vote GOP they tend to make assumptions about me.  I remember one gal, who knew I was married to a black man, being shocked to find out I was GOP.  So if I love someone who isn't white I have to be a democrat?  If I have gay friends and family members I can't possibly vote GOP?  Pfft.

That said, I don't care for Obama.  This does not mean I am racist.  This means I don't agree with most of Obama's political platform.  I don't vote based on skin color or sexual orientation issues.  Never have and never will. 

Side note: I don't hate Obama.  Don't love him but don't hate him.  I don't disagree with everything he's done.  Congress is a vastly bigger problem than Obama in my opinion.

I love my family.  I will not tolerate bigots. 

I don't like people assuming I'm a bigot because I'm white.  It deeply offends me. 

Deep cleaning, slobber and saggy, baggy pants

I know this will shock you but I'm crabby!!

Sigh.

The morning started out right.  Aside from being below zero, we had sun and some pretty spectacular sun dogs, which I got lucky enough to see.  Normally I don't see them because it's dark when I get to work but today I went to the dentist for a deep cleaning.  I got to sleep in an hour too so see?  It was a good start!

The dental tech was a sweetie.  She'd taken care of me before and I like her.  She has eyes like the Hunger Games gal.  I'll admit I'm a little star struck when she looks at me over her paper mask.  She started out by putting some numbing agent in my mouth before she started sticking me with needles.  Why do they make things cherry flavored?  It tastes like shit.  Never had an actual cherry that tasted bad like that in my life!

So then the needle and poking...not so bad.  Then the numbness.  Upper lip is gone.  Part of nose is gone.  Can't feel epiglottis anymore, which is something you never think about but you do notice when you can't feel that little bugger!

She tells me to let her know if I need more numbing...if I feel pain.  I decide I will tough it out as a reminder to myself to FLOSS since I don't like to do it and therefore do not do it as often as I should.  I think I will remember now.

It stung.  Some of the digging around and chipping and chiseling was downright unpleasant!  And then when she takes the suction hose into you mouth and you're supposed to close your lips on it so it can suck the crudded up spit out?  Well how in the hell are you supposed to close your lips when you can't feel them?  Let's just say that part didn't go well and there was some drooling and I swallowed some crudded up spit.

And my tummy was growling.  I did eat before I went but apparently not enough because my tummy was putting up an embarrassing show!  You'd think I never feed the damned thing the way it acts sometimes!

Anyways, I got thru this in good time...cut 30 minutes off the estimate and she'd told me the numbness should wear off in a couple of hours so I figured it'd be great and I could eat around 10:30 AM.

That didn't quite work out.  She'd told me to drink to wash some numbing agent out faster since the lower jaw wasn't numbed with needles since people don't like having numb tongues (go figure).  I tried to drink.  I really did!  I dribbled.  It's really hard to drink without an upper lip!

Also, I need to mention that when my upper lip is numbed I REALLY have a case of "resting bitch face syndrome".  BAD.

So, I got to work and I optimistically ordered lunch a bit after 11 AM.  Jimmy John's is really fast and I had it within seconds!  My lip was feeling partially alive again so I ate.  I ate messily though carefully.  Food kept falling out of my mouth.  I managed to drink too with minimal dribble.  Huzzah!

Later, when the numbness finally wore off, I could feel that my lips and cheeks and gums had all been abused.  The tech told me to pay close attention to my oral hygiene for the next while since she'd opened up a bunch of "pockets" in my gums for stuff to hide in and it will take a little while to heal.  Fun times!  I refuse to floss tonight.  I know I'm bad but my mouth has been tortured enough.  Anything I ate today gets to hide in the pockets for a night.  Since my gums are apparently loose and flappy now, I think it should be easy to get that shit out later, right?

Work was really slow.  Sudoku and trying to stay awake slow.  I decided not to waste another hour of my life doing nothing and to go out and Xmas shop instead.  Time to accomplish something useful!!  I checked my email from home and turns out that was a good call because none of the people I've been waiting on got back to me.  I would have wasted that last hour doing nothing.

So I shop!  I am crossing things off my list and feeling pretty good!  I have minor annoyances with my pants which I'll go into later but overall it was good.  Ran home to make a grocery list for the weekend of baking cookies.  Penelope followed me around demanding granola bars, which she wasn't allowed to have because it was too close to supper.  Didn't stop her from trying.

Back out the door and off to the races!  It's now rush hour and getting across Hwy 65 has become the nightmare.  Anyone who lives in this area knows what I'm talking about.  If you are trying to CROSS 65, you will wait your turn because the traffic lights allow about 3 cars per green, whilst if you are up/down on 65, you will drive almost like you're on an uninterrupted highway.  I hate hwy 65.  Always have.  Finally got across and off to the Walmart where I shopped like a madman.  And nearly wept at the price tag.  Well I didn't really but I did comfort myself that I returned some $13 slippers, like that made a dent.  It did tho.  $13 worth of a dent.

Then I get home.  I start hauling stuff in the house.  Load after load with a break after each to pull my damned pants up.  Here's where I vent about my damned pants.  Last weekend I shopped also and was SO EXCITED to find a pair of LONG pants <♫angels sing here♫> in a larger size that the other pairs I have.  I like the other pairs but they give me such a damned muffin top that it's embarrassing.  I guess, in all honesty, my fat gives me the muffin top, but still, I was excited to get some pants that conceivably would NOT give me a muffin top AND were long enough that I wasn't walking around looking like a dork (like usual).

The reality of these pants is they don't stay up worth a damn.  I need a damned belt.  They try to slide down off of me and escape all the damned time.  It gets incredibly annoying when I walk more than 3 steps!

And then the thought of buying a belt.  For some reason I can never find a decent leather belt that will fit around my hips.  I like jeans that ride the hips.  I hate waist high jeans.  It's a thing.

I'm not a tiny person.  Even when I'm thin, I'm not a tiny person.  I have some curves.  I have a butt.  My calves don't like skinny jeans but that's another story.

I'm bitter.  I remember back in the day when I was preggers and heard about sales on maternity pants and they were ALWAYS short.  I used to wear men's jeans because I could get long enough legs but since I've gotten curves when I buy to fit my butt my waist is HUGE if I try to go for men's jeans.  So I'm trapped in the eternal nightmare of trying to find long jeans, in the women's dept, in my size.  I don't like shopping very much so this is more of a problem for me than most.  I missed that female shopping gene.  When I go "shopping" with my girlfriends it is code for eating, drinking and bitching about work/etc and then wandering around looking at shoes until the buzz wears off so I can go home.

Sometimes I'll go to Marshall's or JCP but I usually don't buy anything since I usually don't find anything I want.  I have to be in the mood to spend money.  That doesn't happen super often.  I usually think I'm too broke.  It's a thing.  Works for me tho.  

I have a $20 limit for shoes.  If I like shoes and they are less than $20 I might buy them.  Tho I won't lately because I have way too many shoes.  They are trying to escape my closet all the time.  I need to cull the herd.

Everything is now put away.  I'm sitting so my jeans can't piss me off.  They are quite comfy for sitting in.  My next plan for tonight is to become a waste of skin and play some World of Warcraft and let my tongue fondle the wasteland in my mouth.  I'm in a better mental place right now than when I was bundled up and trying to hike my pants up thru my down filled coat before I ran outside to get more groceries to haul in.  There was a lot of OMFG's going on then.  A LOT.

And now I feel like it's time for another gratuitous pic of Bill Murray...

Know what's lame?  I've been working on this and it's 8 PM and I've had a cocktail and am wondering if I want to play WoW or go to bed.  IT'S FREAKING 8 PM AND I'M PONDERING GOING TO BED ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

And a cocktail is too strong a word.  A little Jeremiah weed and limeade in a plastic glass.  With a straw.  Cause I'm classy like that!

Thththththat's all folks!

Happy 4th Birthday Penelope!! You've come a long way baby!!

Today is Penelope's 4th birthday!!!

I remember watching her come into the world 4 years ago.  It was a great way to start the morning!  Her mother had been on strict bed rest for 2 months prior because Penelope decided she'd like to come visit us right after the 2nd trimester.  Thanks to her mother's determination and the good medical care she received, Penelope stayed put a bit longer and had more time to grow. 

They suspected there might be problems so there was a team in place to work on Penelope as soon as she arrived.  The birth went well.  Her mommy didn't need any drugs to manage pain and got the job done like a pro!  I was quite impressed with my daughter! 

Penelope arrived rather quietly.  As soon as she was born the team grabbed her limp little form and took her over to the bassinet to work on her.  I remember standing there, waiting for her cry.  I looked down and saw her parents both looking over towards their daughter, waiting.  We were quiet in those moments while the team worked.  Then she cried!  Wasn't too loud but there she was and a collective sigh of relief went out. 

Since then her parents became VERY familiar with the hospital as she had numerous health issues and needed a number of stays.  I also became quite familiar with the hospitals as I worried about her and wanted to be supportive of her and her parents so I was there as much as I could be. 

I've shed some tears of stress, worry and fear over that baby!!  So many things were scary about the process of getting her into this world and then helping her to thrive!  Her parents went thru many hard times but held up so well they made me very proud!  I felt that Penelope was very lucky to have such wonderful loving parents who would do anything for her!! 

She was finally diagnosed with Weaver Syndrome and that helped clarify some issues and set things up so that she could get the help she needed.  Sadly it didn't end the many hospital visits but they gradually eased over the years.  (Fingers crossed!!)

Now she's 4 years old!  She's a smiley, giggly little firecracker who makes me smile all the time!  She rides the bus to school 3 times a week.  Her teachers think she's the bee's knees!  She doesn't have the ability to speak much yet but she uses some sign language and says Mama and Dada and can make cow sounds and pig sounds and other sounds when she's in the mood to cooperate with our games.  She's very independent and bossy.  She's smart and sneaky.  She has mad skills with getting people to do what she wants without saying a word. 

For example:  She had her birthday party yesterday and decided it was time to go into the other room to play.  She, waving her arms to say c'mon, got everyone at her party to get up and go to the other room.  It was like a migration!  I also noticed she can get her mommy to give her an Oreo with a cute face and hugs and kisses. 

She thinks I need help moving my computer mouse and will sometimes place her hand over mine and push it around and click while I'm trying to play computer games.  Apparently I'm not doing it up to her standards.  Makes being a gamer somewhat interesting sometimes.  

She and her mommy live with me right now.  I wasn't sure how I'd like living with a little person again after all these years but it turns out I like it just fine.  She entertains me with her shenanigans!  I open the washing machine to start a load and find her toys in there.  I sometimes find them in the microwave oven.  I get cuddles and giggles most nights when we have our snuggle time.  She keeps trying to crack my password so she can get into my computer.  She sits down, pulls out the tray, turns it on, clicks on either my or her mom's icons and starts typing.  The other day she sent me a text on her mom's phone.  Since it was gibberish I figured it was her and mommy hadn't noticed she had the phone unlocked. 

She loves books.  All books.  Big ones without pictures fascinate her about as much as her books do.  She just plain likes them. 

She's a finicky eater.  She likes anything sweet tho is suspicious of apple crisp.  She will eat many things as long as they are in a quesadilla format.  She likes mac & cheese or any pasta with a red sauce on it.  She loves a good PB&J also.  Her mom told me they'd already eaten the other day when I got home so I made myself a sandwich which Penelope then helped me eat with great enthusiasm!  I kept looking at her thinking..."you ate already...right". 

Anyway, on this day, Penelope's 4th birthday, life is pretty great!  She's robustly healthy, happy and enjoying life and making the lives of those around her brighter!  She had a rough start but Nelly is showing us all how to enjoy life now!

Happy, happy birthday to Penelope!! So happy you're here in our lives!!  Love you Peanut!!

Here are some pics of Penelope thru the years...

 

Best night of sleep ever!!

WOW!

I just slept from about 9:45 until 9:15!

I can't remember the last time I slept that good!

The icing on my cake was I had 2 of my favorite people in my dreams right before I woke up.

I dreamed Ken was with me and for some odd reason we were cleaning food off the couch.  He'd sat in it so I was getting it off his backside.  (I think living with a 3 yr old is affecting me)  This led to us discovering that we were hungry so I went to the fridge to find something to reheat.  I found some leftovers, which was amazing because my fridge was FULL of desserts.  Which it actually is right now.  But in my dream it was full of all the desserts Lacey & I have baked up recently and that's saying something!

So I found some concoction to reheat for our supper and some how Bruiser was there with us!  We knew he was dead but we were happy to see him!  We kept looking at him, waiting for him to disappear but finally I turned to Ken and said, "it looks like he's staying for a bit" and approached him.  I reached out to pet him and I could!  So I set about petting his silky fur.  I found 3 pieces of hot dogs stuck in his fur that I had to work out...not that Penelope eats hot dogs but the food here and there theme is familiar.

I've missed petting my pup.  I was reminded of that during the day yesterday when I petted a friend's dog and felt like crying because it was the first time I'd handled a dog since Bruiser passed.  Well my dreams gave me what I wished for and I got another nice petting session with my pup.  I woke up feeling better.

It takes time.  You never know when it's going to hit you sideways.  But I also experienced some healing in my dreams.  It was so nice spending some time with my puppy!  I'm glad he stayed long enough for me to be brave enough to pet his silky fur again.  Thanks pup.  I miss you!!!

Resting Bitch Face Syndrome (RBFS)

I suffer from Resting Bitch Face Syndrome (RBFS). 

When I'm just sitting around, minding my own business, people assume I don't like them and become afraid to speak to me.  This is because of RBFS.  They assume, because of my condition, that I will hate them and treat them with disdain.  This can lead to isolation. 

Thousands, like me, suffer from RBFS.  My daughter is the one who informed me that I suffered from this condition after a friend of hers said that they thought I didn't like them.  I personally hadn't talked to them enough to form an opinion but they can't help assuming the worst - it's part of a normal person's reaction to RBFS. 

Later, as I was watching my daughter watch TV in repose I realized she had inherited this condition from me.  It's genetic.  I haven't studied my other two children in repose lately so I will have to do that and warn them if it appears they too suffer from this genetic condition. 

My daughter, after the diagnosis, discovered that she too reacts negatively to others who suffer from RBFS.  She met a woman recently and assumed the woman did not like her.  Then, when they met again later, they spoke and the woman told her she also suffered from RBFS.  So even those who have RBFS avoid others with the same condition! 

There is hope however!   By using electronic media you can let people know you actually are a nice, fun person (most of the time) because you can control what they see!  Then, when they meet you in person, they aren't as afraid to approach you as they might normally be.  This is a better approach (in my opinion) than walking around with a stupid grin on your face all day, for no apparent reason.  People instinctually recognize those who suffer from RBFS and will immediately become suspicious that you're up to something. 

this person suffers from RBFS - be kind

A week out

It's been a week without my pup.  Been doing alright.  Haven't been sitting around sobbing, holding his collar or anything.  Still get stings every day tho. 

Since it's a week I can't help but compare today to last Friday.  This is a better day at least.  I'm not filled with dread.  Still have the heart ache but had that a week ago also so this is better by comparison.  No dread.

Was pondering the differences a week makes.  I thought how it was nice to not clean up dog poop in the yard.  Then I thought how I might break down and cry if I was mowing up leaves this fall and did step in some old dog poop in the yard.  All that's left of my pup.  Made me sad.  Made me feel like crying!  It's amazing the things that can trigger that sting isn't it?  Dog poop.  Sheesh.

It still feels weird to be free of having to worry about him.  Not to worry about his food or if his eyes or ears are having troubles or if his tummy bothers him or if he has enough to eat or fresh water or etc. 

I still talk to him tho he isn't there.

It'll be nice when the house finally sells and I can start fresh someplace new.  I'm ready. 

Bruiser was part of my life in that house.  Now it doesn't feel quite right anymore. 

Passing some hurdles

Been a few days since I had my pup, Bruiser, put to sleep.  Those first days were hard.  The house seemed too empty. 

Now I'm a few days out.

Some things have not changed.  I still miss his face.  I miss holding his warm little self and talking to him.  I miss his silky fur.  I have my favorite pic of him as my wallpaper on my computer at home so I say hello to him every day.  At least I get to see him that way.  It was taken on a good day last spring.  We were returning home from ND after a visit to see my Mom (whom he adored and it was mutual) and he was in the front seat, on his blue blanket, sitting in the sun with his tongue lolling out.  He was a happy boy.  I love that shot!  It was a good day :)

I still feel like he should be here.  I was wrestling with Penelope on my bed last night.  I enjoy those snuggle fests and the giggling.  But I still felt like he was there, snuggled in his bed next to mine, about to have his nap interrupted by our shenanigans.  I am haunted.  I'm sure I will be for some time to come.  Can't get over almost 15 years with a guy that quickly.  Even a little hairy one. 

I'm still adjusting to the empty space by my bed.  I actually look at it just to get used to the difference.  There's nothing there so it would seem to be a pointless exercise but I look BECAUSE there's nothing there.  I'm getting used to the new normal.  The lack of the baby gate that I was always banging into.  I don't miss that thing.  The lack of pee pads and food dishes.  Penelope now likes to look out the back door window.  She never did that before because his food dishes were there.  Now she likes to lift the blinds and check it out. 

His shelf for medicines and food, etc. has now become a place to store snacks to free up counter space in the kitchen.  It's nice to have the counter space free again. 

The past 2 nights I have shut my bedroom door.  I never used to do that because Bruiser might need to get out for a drink or some food in the night.  Now I can.  I rather like having a space all my own, that's closed off from everyone. 

I feel rested.  Sleeping is a wonderful thing and there's been a lack of it for me for some time.  Now I sleep.  All night long.  It's amazing! 

Yesterday was my first day back at work after Bruiser.  Getting ready for work has become simpler.  I don't have to let a pup out and back in.  I get up, I turn on lights, I don't walk over a dog to make my bed.  I don't have to go outside twice, in my robe.  It's cold out and getting colder so this is rather nice. I don't have to prepare food and refresh water.  I don't have to check eyes and medicate and give treats.  I keep expecting him to start a bark fest when I'm in the bathroom (he liked to do that if I dared to shut the door so that he couldn't see me and it drove me bat shit).  I can shut doors and no one gets offended anymore.  Something so simple as shutting a door is now different for me.  My life has become simpler and I'm finding this is not all bad. 

I'm adjusting.  I miss him.  I don't miss the peripheral stuff.  The work.  I'm finding I like life better without that.  Maybe someday I'll want to take that on again but I think it will be a very long time.  Besides, Bruiser broke the mold.  I've said this before, but I've had dogs all my life but there was never one as unique and special as Bruiser.  Our relationship started with me looking sideways at him as my daughter gushed that he was the bee's knees...me thinking this wasn't my kind of dog.  How wrong I was!  But once you've had the best, you've hit the peak.  I hit the peak.  And now life is quieter.  I'm lonelier.  Life is simpler.  But we had a good run together, me and my pup.  It's ok.

After Bruiser...

The house is pretty quiet right now.  I need to get busy doing some cleaning and a little errands.  I have a headache.  Had a glass and a half of some crappy wine last night.  A half because I couldn't bring myself to take another sip.  Lacey has a headache too.  We're going to blame the wine.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now.  My heart aches.  I miss my pup.

Life goes on.

Yesterday we decided to go car shopping.  Ended up getting Lacey's sorry Matrix turned in for a Civic that should last her for some years.  Got it financed low enough that she'll be able to pay the loan off in a few months with her tax refund.  Penelope was pretty patient with it all.  Amazingly so.

As the day wore on into evening I would think about my empty house and how I no longer needed to get home to let Bruiser out and feed him.  I felt the pang of loss.

Coming home was sad.  Walking to my room and there's no baby gate.  There's no rug with Bruiser's dishes on it by the back door.  Going into my room, his bed isn't there.  He isn't there.  And my heart hurts.

I slept 9 hours last night.  I woke up and laid there.  Heard Penelope so turned on the TV to lure her in.  Laid there thinking how I didn't need to get up and let Bruiser out or feed him.  And how I wouldn't need to step over him when I made my bed.  I laid in bed a long time this morning.  Luckily Penelope was there to snuggle and eventually Lacey was there too.  And smiles.

Lacey made crepes and bacon for lunch (was supposed to be breakfast but we are moving slowly today).

I sat at the table and looked out the kitchen window and started to cry a little because I missed him.  Why crepes made me miss him I have no idea.  I managed myself and got a grip and enjoyed the good food.  We talked a bit about how I don't miss the work of having a pet.  About how I think I'll get used to this and eventually like it. But that I still miss him.  Lacey called it a labor of love.  It was.

Then I decided to have a soak in the tub.  I sat there in the heat and felt guilty.  So guilty!  And so lonely for my pup.

I kept thinking about how scared he was in those last moments.  It was fast thankfully but he turned to me and I looked into his eyes and don't exactly remember what I said in that moment but then I put my mouth on his head like I've done so many times throughout his life and he smelled my scent for his last breath.  I was there with him.  I felt him go.  I said he's gone.  The vet said she'd check but I knew.  I felt him go.

That haunts me.  He turned to me when he was scared and I didn't save him.  I failed.  That's probably what I struggle with most right now, aside from missing him.

I feel guilty that I wasn't up to caring for him until he died of natural causes.  That I couldn't handle those long, sleepless nights that happened too often and left me feeling like a zombie during the day while he rested up for the next round.

I feel guilty that sometimes in the wee hours I had been ready to drive him to a field and leave him there.  He felt that.  I scared him with my barely restrained violence.  He sensed it tho I didn't hurt him.  At least it didn't happen often but it did happen and I felt like a shit for thinking it.  But that's real and hard and honest.

I feel guilty that I didn't want him having accidents all over the new flooring I put in this past year so I can get my house sold.  Last spring, when winter didn't want to end, he stopped going potty outside and it didn't matter how often he was let out.  We were in for another round of that this winter...months of that...on the new floors that cost me $ and sweat and sore muscles this past summer.

I feel guilty that I begrudged the expensive, special food he required, the expensive vet visits and medications.  It's been pay cut after pay cut at my job in recent years and his needs have increased.

I feel guilty about many things.  I feel like a failure.

And sitting there in the steam I realized that guilt has been my constant companion in life.  It's always there.  Moments like this bring it to the fore but it's always there.

I have guilt about raising my kids.  I haven't always done well by them.  I haven't always even tried.  Same with pretty much everything in life.  Most of the time I do my best.  But not always.  Sometimes I'm small and mean and selfish.  I'm human.  That's not an excuse.  It's just a fact.

Guilt is actually a healthy emotion if you don't let it get the best of you.  It drives you to try harder or to avoid repeating mistakes.

When I had those dark thoughts towards Bruiser and I could tell he knew it, I made an extra effort to be kind and as gentle as possible the next time I handled him.  Guilt drove me to be better than I had been.

There's good reason for my guilt with regard to my pup.  I did fail him.  I wasn't up to caring for him.  Like I've said before, if he was a person I would have put him in a nursing home.  Along with guilt comes the acceptance of short-comings sometimes.  Maybe someone else could have done for Bruiser what I couldn't or wouldn't.  But I had to make a judgment call.  Some of it was for his sake.  He was going to die.  I did save him from more scary moments, like when his leg wouldn't support him and he'd fall, or when he'd feel lost and confused.  When he was sore and couldn't tell me and would have to wait until I figured out something was wrong.  I saved him from another cold winter.  He never did well in winter but last spring taught me that he was at his end with winter.  I don't know that he would have survived it.  At least he went before he had to suffer through that.

Some of the judgment call was for my sake.  And for Lacey & Penelope's sake.  It was exhausting for all of us to care for him.  Truly.  It was a lot of work.  I was trapped and unable to travel or be away from him for any period because of the level of his needs and my unwillingness to ask someone else to suffer through nights without much sleep or clean up his accidents or deal with his crying and medicating him.

The part that was for my sake is the part I have guilt about.

I miss him.

I want him back.  I so miss his little face and those big brown eyes!  And when he'd dance because he was happy or excited!  Oh how I miss that!!  It's amazing how much I miss that.

I don't want him back.  I'm ready to try life without pets for a while.  To be free.  But I don't want to miss him.  I don't want to feel guilty.  I can't help it.

It feels good to sleep.

I still feel like I did the right thing.  I don't like it.  But I did what needed to be done.  Just gotta keep telling myself that enough and some day I'll believe it again.

It can't be undone.

Now I have to deal with the fallout.  I have to get used to life without him.  Another little ache that I'll carry around in my heart for the rest of my life.  I'm building a collection of those.  Once again, while those aches hurt, they are worth it because it means you loved someone and they loved you.  Nothing can last forever.  But you had them for a while and it was good enough that you miss them.  I miss quite a few people and I will miss more before my life is over and someone will miss me.

The end

Today is the day. 

Geez this is tough.  Last night was mostly good.  I enjoyed some time alone with just my pup and me.  Decided to skip the bath since he doesn't like them anyway.  Why put him thru it again?

I had a panic attack last night when I was getting set up to go to bed.  Had a hard time breathing.  Took a while to get a grip on myself again.  Can't go into that because I'm at work and need to keep my shit together.  I need to do that today as much as I can anyway.  Suffice it to say I'm thankful I was texting Ken when it hit.  He helped. 

Today is a fragile kind of day.  Mentally I'm working real hard to distance myself from emotions.  Not very successfully but working on it.  I have some things to get thru.  This is the hardest day I've had in a while. 

To lighten the mood...after I shut the lights out last night Bruiser farted a bad one...wow!  I mean paint peeling stench!  touché Bruiser, touché! 

My little brat dog strikes again!

Punk ass dawg :)



It's the evening now and Bruiser is gone.  The house is quiet.  My heart is aching.  Tears are flowing.  I miss my puppy.  It hurts.

My heart is broken.