GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

MY NEW COMPUTER IS ALMOST HERE!!!  I'm so freaking excited it's stupid!!  Today I was car shopping with Ben on CarSoup and my computer kept having it's little spaz attacks.  I will have one that won't do that SOON!!! 

What a fucking week this has been!  Well I shouldn't bitch because it's been way better than last week.  Last week I had wayyyyy too much contact with my boss and was so stressed my hands were shaking when I tried to respond to her emails.  This week, she only contacted me once, I responded, waiting for her to figure out a way to make it my fault (it's always my fault) and then she didn't!  She just said THANK YOU!  Can you fucking believe it???  Guess she couldn't think anything up this time.  She's kind of insane.  She has imaginary shit going on in her head that I have to keep proving I didn't do.  It's stupid.  She keeps me off balance tho it's usually safest to expect the worst.  That's usually what you get.

I've had a tall Newcastle at BWW's after car shopping tonight and am now delving into some sweet cherry wine that is surprisingly good for being cheap (as wines go)!  I'm feeling happy and my typing is sloppy.  Probably a good thing I don't have a new computer yet.  I shouldn't play World of Warcraft (WoW is how I will refer to this in the future for your reference) when I've imbibed.  Oops!  Gotta pee!  BRB! 

Ah, that's better!  You miss me?  NOT!  I forgot my spare wings at BWW's.  I'm a little sad that I was so forgetful but I wasn't sad enough to make Ben turn around and drive me back to get them .

OMG!  Life has been busy!!!  I bought new flooring (hard to spell when buzzed...thank god for backspacing)!!!  It will be BEAUTIFUL when it's down!  I know someone will buy my house just because the kitchen flooring will be so awesome!

this is how gorgeous it is!! 

I ordered a gaming computer for myself (see above CAPS).  I'm going to play WoW again, hopefully by next week!!  Stoked!

More important stuff that's happened to people I love...Lacey & Chris got engaged!  He actually got down on one knee and proposed!  I'm so so so happy he made a fuss over my girl (she deserves it) and that he created an event for both of them to remember!!!  I already consider him family but this made it extra special and made me love him even more!

Next, Nick FINALLY closed on his house!  He and my daughter Lee are moving into their new abode this weekend!  They were put thru utter torture and honestly, the people who did this should be taken out and shot so they don't EVER do it to anyone again!  The level of stress and the volume of fuck-ups was truly mind boggling!  I have never heard of anyone's closing going so horribly!  I'm beyond grateful that it's over and they finally got their house!  If I could have seen the future, I would have recommended that they talk to my friend Carol Ballantine instead of dealing with friends of their friends.  Carol would have taken good care of them!  I regret that I didn't act like a pushy mom this time!

Whoa!  My cell phone finally is all recharged! Just heard it beep.  Gotta go get it!  BRB!  (hard to type that sometimes)

My sweetie is off drinking Newcastle somewhere down in SLC right now.  Wish I was with him!  Cheers baby!

Time to go listen to some tunage.  Probably a good thing I froze all that banana bread I baked last night.  I'd be eating some if I didn't!

I'm a DIY Queen!!

I'm tired after my day of DIY queen work so probably should be going to bed instead of writing this but what the hell, I don't always use my best judgement!

Let me tell you the tale of my kitchen floor.  15 years ago I bought this mobile home.  When I walked into the place I hated it!  I really did!  It had horrific wallpaper all over the place.  My first instinct was I hated the dividing wall between the living room and kitchen and wanted to knock it down.  Walked around into the corner and realized that wasn't possible.  But decided that the price was right (enough) and it would work.  So I bought it.

When it was mine I finally removed a floor mat that had been sitting in front of the fridge to find, to my horror, a badly patched section of linoleum flooring.  Fuckers!  Back then I didn't have squat for money.  Was busy raising 3 kids so financing home improvement projects wasn't high on my list of priorities.  So for years and years I kept a mat over that spot.  And over those years that spot turned into a crack that finally extended almost the entire width of my kitchen.  So had rugs.  And gorilla tape (extra strong tape, stronger that duct tape!) to keep it from cracking even worse.  Sort of helped.

Then came the day when the kids were all grown and I wanted to sell the house and be freer with my life options.  And it was long past time to deal with the floor.  I'd always planned to fix it over the years but never got around to it.  There was always something more important for money/resources to go to.  Now the time had come if I wanted to sell it.  Who wants a house with a cracked up kitchen floor?  Not me!


So here's the plan.  Fix the existing floor by patching it so that it qualifies as a waterproof barrier.  THEN put a new floor down on top of that.  I plan to put in a floating linoleum floor.  Kind of like click flooring but instead of the "click" it has a strip of glue so each piece adheres to the next instead of the floor.  So when I'm done with this it'll be kind of a double waterproof floor, at least up to the cupboard edges and then single underneath.  I'm taking pictures as I go to prove to any inspector, if there is one, that my house is up to code under the new floor. 

My mobile home was built in an interesting way.  Maybe they all are.  Probably.  Anyway, they slap down the floor and then set walls and cupboards on top of it.  From what the MH supply company tells me, I'm supposed to have a waterproof barrier to be up to code.  So having this big old crack in the kitchen floor is a problem!  And cutting the crappy linoleum away from the edges of the cupboards would negate any waterproof barrier qualities it has.  So I decided to google how to repair a linoleum floor and ta-da!  There was a fix and it didn't look to hard!  It left me feeling like an idiot for not doing this years ago too.  Bleah. 

It was rather fun getting the materials!  Told the guys at Menards that I needed a 1 ft X 12 ft strip of their cheapest linoleum.  They looked at me funny.  I told them it was just a patch and didn't need to be pretty.  Believe me, it isn't!  Ran all over the place looking for a heat gun.  No one seemed to know where they had them but all were sure they had them.  Finally found them over by paint supplies.  Just so you know for future reference.

I got adhesive and seam sealer.  I got a new box cutter (kind of excited about that!  I like knives!)  I got some leather gloves since I couldn't find "heat resistant" gloves.  (They worked just fine)  

That's the back story to my day today.  Today I started the project.  First I removed all the rugs.  And then it was time to remove the gorilla tape.

this is the floor with gorilla tape on it

Removing the gorilla tape didn't go well.  That shit sticks like a mo-fo!!  Ended up tearing my floor even worse that it was, taking it off!  This caused me to adapt my plans.  It'd planned to do a thin strip patch.  Instead, decided to do pretty much a full 1ft wide patch to try to eradicate all the tape damage.

the gorilla tape took layers off the flooring underneath and tore the flooring off to the side in a couple spots

here's the original square that I inherited with the house

The instructions said to lay the patch down and cut along it to create a perfect template.  This sound easy right?  Weirdly, making that first cut was an emotional bitch!  I felt strangely traumatized cutting into my floor!  It freaked me out!  But I dug deep and I did it.  It had to be done!

And I had to cut and cut and cut till my hands hurt!  Probably 10 ft long on 2 side and cutting thru 2 pieces of linoleum so had to apply some pressure.  Awkward and not as easy as I thought it would be! 

The glue was so bad under most of it that it lifted off quite easily.  I did need the heat gun & putty knife for the square portion the previous owner had glued on.  That heat gun was rather cool!  The adhesive didn't put up much of a fight once that was applied!

It already looked better just getting that crappy linoleum off!  I was feeling pretty good at this point.  My neck was also hurting and I was also sick of crawling around on the floor, but that was beside the point.  

 I'd come to the conclusion, earlier, that this wasn't going to be a one night job.  But at least I could get the biggest chunk done.  The glue needs to set up for 24 hrs before I can pull the fridge out to work on the last section so round 2 will commence either tomorrow or Monday night. 

Then fun times with glue began!  It seemed so logical and simple in the instructions!  In reality, HOLY SHIT is that stuff sticky and icky!!!  Instructions say that if some of the adhesive oozes out onto the floor to just wipe it up with a paper towel.  What it does not tell you is that your fingers will be sticky from said glue and the paper towel will stick to said sticky fingers and as you work your fingers will become a literal gluey, sticky papery disaster area!  It also says to put down some wax paper and use a seam roller to smooth the seams.  Well, I got the bright idea to save a few pennies and use my granite rolling pin as a seam roller.  I may have cost myself a granite rolling pin with that brilliant judgement call!  Here's what REALLY happens!  You put down the wax paper and start rolling.  The wax paper promptly wraps itself around your rolling pin and glue squeezes out and you're wiping and then trying to get the paper off your gluey fingers and then you're taking your gluey papered hands and grabbing your sticky box cutter to trim the floor because, guess what?  Linoleum "RELAXES"!!  Ken told me this after I bitched about having to re-trim the damned edges TWICE during the gluing process.  So now I have bits of linoleum stuck to my papered gluey fingers.  And my rolling pin isn't faring a lot better! 

I pushed on thru.  I had to pause regularly to pry the glue/paper/linoleum off my fingers.  Then go reapply.  Finally it was glued down and flush with the existing floor!  Bowing to applause here!  Thank you!  Thank you very much!!

See?  I told you it wasn't pretty!

The bags are rock salt in ziplocs to put a little weight on certain areas that weren't committed to staying put

I'd be in big trouble if this had to be pretty.  What you can't see is that there is some smeary glue stuff around the edges that I'm hoping I can get off later for a professional finish.  If I can't?  Pfft!  It's going to be hidden under a new floor in another month anyway!

Now I don't touch it for 24 hrs.  Then I will cut and lay down another patch.  After that sets I'll seal the edges and it will be waterproof like it has never been the entire time I've lived here.

Now I have peeled most of the adhesive off my hands.  The rest will wear off in time.  I'm almost recovered from crawling around on my floor for hours.  Almost.  I get a 24 hr vacation now!  WOOT WOOT!!  I'm going to go off and wallow in my DIY Queen glory now.  TTFN! 

It's now Monday night (that was Sat) and I've just finished cutting and pasting the last piece in.  Let it set up for 24 hrs then seal all the seams and it's waterproof!  I'm so happy it's all cut and in now.  The rest is cake!

 

 

fridge is pulled out and time to cut the last piece!

DONE!  And I even pattern matched :)

Crying at work is NOT ALLOWED!!!

I have had such a bitch of a time with myself recently!  I'm hormonal.  As in the dreaded PMS <think that word loudly, with reverb>.  Generally I'm not so affected but the past few days, yesterday in particular, have been a hormonal nightmare!

To clarify, PMS stands for PRE-mentrual syndrome!  PRE being the operative word!  This is the time before Auntie Flo comes to visit, when you become moody/snarly, can eat endlessly and never be full, you bloat (could it be from the incessant eating?) and you cramp and your boobs get bigger and get sore and your clothes get tight and you retain water like a mo-fo.  Some months I actually look forward to Aunt Flo's visit!  When AF shows up I relax...almost to a puddle state and become human again.  Aside from peeing out all the fluids you previously retained (imagine trips to the bathroom every 5 fucking minutes), it's that time before AF shows up that can be so, so NOT fun! 

This weekend I wasn't fit to be around people and mostly managed to keep to myself.  I was in snarly, bitchy mode.  I watched Seven Psychopaths and then went on an unpublished rant about the psychos I know.  Well, it was published for a few minutes and then I took it back.  Because I think I came off a little psycho.

My daughters were allowed into my circle of trust because they are also suffering with the dreaded PMS <reverb>.  Apparently my granddaughters have it too because when their Mom came over to visit, the girls started in on their "I want" lists and high drama ensued!  Lots of "MOM!"  "MOM!" "MOM!" and sobbing dramatically and stomping around.  Lee (my daughter) and I caught each others eye over my granddaughter's head (I'd been hunkering down hoping the drama would miss me) and read each others minds in an instant.  We both thought "WTF?????" with a little side of "kill me now please!" thrown in for good measure.  Then the beer began to flow.  Well, a couple beers worth anyway since we aren't all that fond of hang-overs or peeing all night. Couple days later my daughter Lacey came for a visit, bringing chocolate cake to celebrate my belated b'day and soothe our raging hormones.  It worked!  Had some laughs, danced with Penelope and commiserated on how is sucks to be a girl sometimes. 

Then came the dreaded MONDAY.  Seriously!  I was dreading damned Monday on Sunday, all day long!  I even posted this picture as my profile pic as a dark omen of what was to come.  (Maybe I cursed myself?)

Got to work and found that my front office co-workers were BOTH out sick...with the freaking plague from the sound of it!  I hope we aren't in for round 2 of the flu bug at work.  I got off pretty light last time and thought I was safe.  Dammit!!  Anyway, this meant that I'd need to cover phones, figure out where the mailbox was (new building/office, etc) and make checks as needed.  Also felt compelled to stay until the doors automatically locked at 5 since it felt a bit vulnerable leaving the place with no one up front to take deliveries, hold off the barbarians and what not.

Ok.  Doing fine so far at this point.  Was too busy to empty the dishwasher so left it full of clean dishes.  Figured someone else would take care of that.  Sat down to work on submitting some invoices to a client through their software per their request.  Our project manager was on the road so got him to send me his password and got into the program.  Figured out how to upload them and felt pretty proud of myself!  Chased around after this and that. I was taking care of business!

Got an email from the client that I'd submitted the invoices incorrectly.  He sent me a 44 page booklet on how to do this.  (sound of head hitting desk here)  I tried to follow the instructions but the stuff I was supposed to see and select was sadly absent.  I DID NOT want to call the client again to ask for help.  I felt like an idiot but I didn't want to let him in on that.  I was fighting back tears!  This is where PMS can sometimes kick me in the balls, if I had any.  It makes stuff that normally wouldn't phase me, into something that brings on waterworks and makes me want to run home and crawl into bed and hide! I decided to take a lunch break (aka mental health break) and get back at it after.

After lunch I took my dirty dishes into the lunch room to put them in the dishwasher.  The dishwasher was still full and the sink was now full of dirty dishes.  I grumbled mentally and started to unload the clean dishes.  Then I discovered that not only had they not emptied the clean dishes, they'd put their dirty dishes in with the clean dishes AND left a pile in the sink to boot!  Damn!  I forgot that I was the fucking maid that day! 

It took me a while but I got myself under control finally.  Well, maybe not "under control"...what I did was vent to my girlfriend that I was going to update my resume and start job hunting in some very colorful language!  It sort of helped.  Until I tried the client's software again.  After fighting back tears, I called the director of the company to see if he had experience with the software because I was tired of looking like boob in front of our client!  I needed someone to save me!  Luckily this was a good move because the ID I was using didn't have access to the data I was looking for!  We finally got it rolling, the invoices got uploaded AND approved!  I toddled out the door at 5.  I made it!  I didn't cry at work!  (mostly)

Got home late and was rewarded by a nasty odor when I opened the front door.  Bruiser had crapped all over the place.  Kind of expected that since he doesn't tolerate my lateness well but as icing on the cake of my work day, it sucked!  So I got busy cleaning up the mess and using some Pine Sol to clean and freshen the air.  While I was doing this, Bruiser began to barf.  They act kind of like a cat getting ready to toss up a hairball.  It's not nice!  I grabbed him and made a run for the front door and only ended up spreading the "joy" around on the carpet during our mad dash.  Lucky for me I already was in cleaning mode!


After the air was fresh enough that I could tolerate it, I ate the rest of the chocolate b'day cake cause dammit! I earned it!!  From what I hear from my friends on facebook, that may have contributed to my dreaming of taking bears tire shopping at Wal-mart. 

Lemonizing Ree's Sugar Biscuits

A couple weeks ago I tested one of Ree Drummond's recipes, Sugar Biscuits.  They were lovely, sweet buttery little iced biscuits.  Really yummy!  I woke up this morning, pining for sugar biscuits.  Sadly there were none to be had.  So it's baking time again!

Here the link to the recipe   http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2013/01/sugar-biscuits/


Ree suggests an option of adding lemon zest/juice to change up the flavors a bit. She suggested some others but read her blog to find out which...they also sound delicious.  I happen to LOVE baking with lemons so decided to bake some lemony ones up today!

Ignore my mixer...I never used it.  Here are the dry ingredients, "sifted".  I don't have a sifter so I used my wire whisk.  Works fine!

I decided to use 2 lemons.  Make sure you wash them before you zest them.  Stores put wax on them and you really don't want wax in your biscuits.

Zested lemons...ta da! If you haven't zested a lemon before, just be sure not to file away into the white part just under the surface.  That is bitter.  You just want the thin outer layer.  When I was doing this my house was full of lemony smells.  Part of the reason I LOVE baking with lemons!  They bring me joy...they smell good, they look pretty and they taste so yummy!

2 sticks of butter cubed.  That's where that lovely buttery flavor comes from!  Make sure the butter is cold.  If the butter melts it loses it's ability to make your dough light and fluffy.  I've made puff pastry before and the key is to keep the butter from melting as you work the dough and fold and fold.  Time consuming with all the stops to cool down but well worth it.  Same thing here, on a smaller, less anal scale.  

 Got my old pastry cutter out and ready to go to work!  I've had this little tool for oh, about 30 years now.  It's a well loved kitchen implement!

 The butter is cut into the dry ingredients.  It has a crumbly look. 

 Toss in the lemon zest...breath deep and enjoy that smell!

Add your heavy whipping cream...

 Stir it all up with a fork!  (I didn't need my mixer.  Sort of embarrassed that I dug it out and set it up.)

 Form dough into a ball.  Every time (both) that I've made these biscuits I've ended up adding more cream because I've found a bunch of flour when I start forming the dough into the ball.  It's a bit messy but hasn't seemed to affect flavors at all.  I try not to work the dough too much if I can help it.  My hands generate heat and I don't want to warm up the butter too much OR create too much gluten.  I want nice, light, melt in your mouth biscuits...not firm, chewy ones.

 Flour your surface and roll out your dough.  Keep it kind of thick. 

 Can you see the butter bits still showing in the rolled dough?  It's rather difficult to get a picture of it but you can see small butter pieces in the dough when you roll it out.  This is just what you want to see. 

 Biscuit cutter time!  You can place them fairly close together on the pan.  They don't spread out too much. 

They smelled so good when they were baking!!  I normally don't use a timer.  I typically bake by looks.  When they gained a slight golden color I pulled them out.  Last time I pulled them out when they were lighter and the less baked ones tended not to stand up to the frosting process as well.  These are delicate things!  I let them cool completely.  Went off to check facebook and wash dishes while I waited.

Next it's time for the glaze.  This part gets a little messy but if you're like me, you kind of like that!

Cut those lemons in half and juice the little buggers.  Once again, breathe deep and enjoy that lovely scent!

Once again, it turned out I didn't need the mixer for this either so please disregard the mixer!  Sigh.  I don't know why I keep expecting to use the mixer... 

Anyway, here's all the tasty ingredients for the icing...fresh squeezed lemon juice, 1% milk, vanilla, powdered sugar and a pinch of salt.  The recipe calls for whole milk, which I don't have.  1% will work fine.  Last time, since I had cream I thought I'd use that.  I needed a lot more cream than milk...it was quite thick!  I think it tasted a bit better so in the future I think I'll use cream.  This time I got just a bit under a 1/2 cup of lemon juice.  I added a 1/2 cup of milk and it came out with a decent consistency.  I'll get more into the importance of consistency in a few. 

 See?  No mixer!  The good old whisk does the trick!

 THIS is why consistency is so very important!  During my first attempt 2 weeks ago there were many casualties before I got the consistency right.  It needs to be fairly runny since the biscuits are delicate.  If it's too thick they are going to fall to pieces when you try to take them back out of the icing.  See the biscuit bits in that bowl?  Only lost 1 biscuit to this process this time!  And I ate it.  And it was delicious!!

If the icing is too thin, it will run off the biscuits.  Then just add some more powdered sugar to thicken it up a bit again.  Easy!

This is the messy/fun part!  Pick up each biscuit and dip the little bugger into that icing!  Hold it a little to let excess run off...

Set the iced biscuits on a wire rack, over a pan to catch drippings and allow the icing to set.  It takes a while.  I sampled some un-iced biscuits (the ones that didn't look like they'd survive icing) in the meantime and they were just as good as I remembered!  Light, buttery with a touch of lemon.  MMMMMM!!!

New office observations and duck lips...neither are good

First day in the new office!  Like how I gave it an exclamation point?  That's me, faking excitement. There are a few drawbacks to my new space.

1) There is a bathroom right next door and I can hear it flush and the hand dryer blow whenever it's used.  At least I haven't experienced any bad odors so I'll admit this could be worse.  I will take the long walk down the hall to use the public bathroom, thank you very much!  I passed the owner of the company coming back from that bathroom today...I'm not the only one that isn't fond of our new bathroom.  Plus it has a shower.  Really?  They think staff is going to shower right next to the reception area?  If they do, I hope they sing in the shower and entertain us all.

2)  I apparently don't move enough because my motion sensor lights turn off sometimes while I'm sitting there working.  I also get to experience my co-worker's office lights going on and off on a regular basis as they come and go.  It's a bit trippy!

3)  I have some new views worth mentioning.  First I'll mention what I had at the old office...large windows facing out to the street.  I could peep in at the neighbors across the way, watch the occasional red tailed hawk sit on the roof and just enjoy the sky.

Now I have a white wall to look at if I look away from my computer.  There's a LOT of white in the new office.  A LOT!

OR I can look out my door, into my new boss's office.  She doesn't like me.  Last time she was in town I think she said "hi" to me once. I think.  Maybe I imagined she did to make myself feel better.

The good thing is that she primarily works in TX so mostly it's just an empty office.  Bad thing, there will be no escaping her when she's here.  NO privacy at all!  She can give me the hairy eyeball all she wants and short of ducking under my desk there will be no escape! 

4)  I'm not seeing any places to put any family pictures.  Yet.

5)  It's a VERY sterile environment.  Today I noticed that my papers blended into the white desktop.  Like camouflage.  Never thought about white desktops but I have to say, now that I've had a smidgen of experience, I'm against them!  They also show every speck of dirt!  My mechanical pencil lead snapped off and landed on the desk.  I swept my hand over it to scoop it into the garbage and it left a nice gray smear.  I haven't bothered to run to the cleaning closet yet.  I think I'll live with it for a while.  Savor this gray smear on my white desk top.  It's like art according to the Walker Art Museum. It could actually go into the Walker Art Museum!  Last time I went there I realized I could take a crap in the corner and they'd probably fence it off and call it art.  I'm not a fan of the Walker because they put freeze dried dogs in the corner and rub rubber off tires (stinks!) and call it art.  I find that flatly insulting.  I've seen ART and that ain't ART.  It's crap! 

Now for my entertainment segment!  I'm going to post some pictures I took of myself this past weekend.  I'd decided it was time to update my profile picture on facebook so was taking some lovely self portraits.  NOT!  Actually, when I do this I take a bunch of pictures hoping I won't hate a few.  Most of them looked like crap.  I tend to get obnoxious in the process because when you look at bad picture after bad picture you (I) finally decide to embrace it.  So I tried to do duck lips.

This is my first try.  I think it's safe to say I don't know how to make a "sexy" pucker. 

 

I thought I'd try to suck in my cheeks like a model.  (I saw this technique on Zoolander.) This did NOT help!

I figured I'd try pooching out the upper lip.  Isn't this what the teeny boppers/20-somethings do?  Why is it so hard to make this look even marginally decent??  I look like someone punched me...or I don't know what.  It's just not good.  It's stupid.

After the dismal upper lip failure I tried pooching out both lips.  I looked like a guppy.  Or a younger, slightly more feminine version of Mick Jagger.  Or Goldie Hawn on First Wives Club after she had her lips done.  Basically, I looked stupid.  I don't know how to do duck lips.  I'm against duck lips because most people look stupid with them but I have learned that I look even more stupid doing it than most!  I'm still not going to admire those who can make them look sort of ok.  It's stupid looking.  I have proof.  Look at this picture!  IT'S STUPID LOOKING!!

I was really bored this weekend.  Not bored enough to be terribly motivated but bored enough to take duck lip pictures of myself.  In fact, I savored the boredom!  I rolled around in it like a dog rolls in garbage! 

Well, this was an interlude.  Time to brace myself to go back to my white, white office tomorrow.  Or just try to forget for a few hours and enjoy having some color around me.  I'm tempted to bring in some magic markers and do a little artwork on the wall to break the monotony. 

It's quiet tonight

My life is quiet
I sit, staring at the computer, waiting for something to change
Nothing does
I felt stabbed with fear yesterday
I wished you were here with me
Telling me everything will be ok

My life is soft
I roll thru my days, sometimes barely noticing
Everything stays the same
Then a sudden change and I worry
I find my core and get steady again
In the end, it doesn't matter
Let it go

I'm surrounded by people I barely know
Who barely know me
I feel like I'm watching a movie of myself
Staring out the window, waiting to be buried in minutiae
Not what I expected
I should have dreamt of more

I'm surrounded by people I love
Who love me
I feel more myself, full of joy and laughter
Then I'm alone again, life becomes quiet
A pause

I listen to the furnace blow
I hear the click of the keys as I type
The monitor looks back at me
I enjoy the quiet and let go of my worries
It's peaceful
Not ready to let go of it yet
 

Women in Combat

Decision to allow women in combat roles raises questions about draft

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/01/24/decision-to-allow-women-in-combat-roles-raises-questions-about-draft/#ixzz2Iv6s20fN

This is a tricky subject for me.

I never went into the military because I got knocked up fairly promptly out of high school and ended up in Mommy boot camp.

My brother joined the USAF and I think I would have enjoyed the military if I had joined.  I don't know if I would have because I was floating aimlessly after high school and didn't come down to having anything resembling a life plan until I became pregnant.  But for the sake of this article I'm going to imagine that I would have potentially joined the military.

I was a tomboy.  I played with dolls, don't get me wrong, but I was not a girlie type of girl by any stretch. 

When I was a teen I arm wrestled in competitions to make some extra $, lifting weights and practicing on young men to improve my speed and strategies.  I often beat those men because I was strong and fast.  They thought it was about brute strength.  It is, partially, but a good grip, length of arm and quick, hard pull at the start will usually do the trick.  I totally enjoyed beating them!  Ego trip!

I carried a knife for years.  At age 17 (I think) I threatened a man with loss of his balls during a visit to Minneapolis, because he was harassing me and my sister as we walked down the street.  I meant every word and he decided (wisely) to turn around and walk the fuck away.

I may be female, and I may be basically good natured but I have a hard, cold mean streak and a willingness to do violence.  I've run up against it a number of times in my life.  Let's just say that if anyone causes serious hurt to one of my loved ones, they had best hope the cops get him/her before I do.  I had an ex who thought it was a great idea to threaten to run off with my kid.  The courts wouldn't do anything so I decided to deal with it myself.  He doesn't know it but he's lucky that he finally decided to leave the state when he did.  So am I!  Saved me from doing prison time!

Mostly, now, I don't feel anything that extreme.  I simply don't let myself get into a rage and my life isn't full of drama.  Probably the last time I went into a true rage was a few years ago when some terrorists cut a reporter's head off and I happened to hear it on the radio.  I wish I hadn't heard that. If I had access to them for a period of time after that, I would have done terrible things to them without guilt because to this day I believe they gave up their right to breathe the air when they did that.  It would have been a slow, painful death.  And they'd have deserved every moment of it.  Honestly, I think I could do that to them even today.  I still feel very cold inside when I think of that incident.  Like it would be a necessary thing to do. 

That said, I think I could go into combat and do quite well!  I have some personality traits that would fit the job.  Would I be shitting bricks?  Hell yes!  I don't want to die, but you do what needs to be done even if it isn't easy.  Better to die like that than lying in an old folks home withering away.  At least it had purpose. 

That said, I don't think women should be put up for the draft.  Before you get your panties in a knot, I don't think all men should be put up for the draft either!  Not everyone is cut out to be a soldier and those who aren't can be a burden on those who are.  Or just bullet fodder.  I imagine some of the people I know in a battle scenario and it's laughable.  And pitiful.  Lots of crying, clinging and hiding would go on.  I cringe when I think of some people being put in a field, arming them and telling them to fight and kill people.

On the flip side, the men who think women will distract them need to get their heads out of their pants.  I mean really!  But sadly there is fact behind this concern.  When I came to Minneapolis years ago, my first job was doing accounting for a futon frame manufacturing company.  I was the only woman there when I started.  It was kind of lonely but the guys were nice to me and that helped.  They wouldn't hire women for the shop for a long time because they thought the men would be distracted and there were dangerous machines (saws and drills and nailguns and such).  They finally hired some to avoid lawsuits and guess what?  Some of my male co-workers couldn't pay attention to their work and got hurt on the tools!  I really hate that there is truth to this issue!  It isn't the women's fault.  Some men need to TRY to get their brains out of their dicks!  But they don't.  It's a dilemma. 

That said, equal rights can be a bitch ladies!  You can't have it both ways.  You want equal pay and equal rights, then you have to take the flip side of that and "man up". 

It is what it is.  It is only fair that women be subjected to the draft, just like men!  I don't like it but fair is fair.  Heaven help this country! 

2012 wrap up

That about sums up 2012 for me!  At the start of this year my plan was to use this blog as a way to shaming myself into losing weight.  Didn't work.

I had several plans that went bust completely or partially this past year. 

The failed weight loss plan is only the first item on my list of complaints.  And I can only complain to myself.  I'd smack myself with a wet noodle but would probably eat it.  I'm just coming off of holiday eating.  Yesterday, after a 4 day weekend, I tried to go back to normal eating patterns and my body kept making me feel faint because I hadn't eaten on an hourly basis.  And I gave into it because it was uncomfortable.  This is a problem!  Today I will do better!  (I hope)

Then there was my 30 year class reunion.  I'd been waiting for this for 30 freaking years!  And what happens to me?  I put my back out.  I went to the reunion and it was great seeing people but I was in pain the whole time.  I can see it in some of the pictures, where I didn't know they were shooting.  I have this constipated look and am sitting all cockamamie.  I ended up in the ER at the crack of dawn the following AM thanks to Ken hauling my crippled ass upright and helping me toddle oh so slowly to the car.  So instead of having a blast with my classmates, I spent that day drugged up on pain pills and anti-spasm meds in the hotel room bed.  Ken was so sweet...he stayed with me and cuddled and brought me food tho the meds made me feel nauseous.  But I am seriously pissed that my back had to pull that crap during my reunion and hosed my chance of spending some more fun time with my classmates!    Better luck at the 40th I guess.  I hope!

I had a dream of selling my house.  Well.  I got the ball rolling by asking the Park Office to give me a compliance list so I would know what I had to do to get my house ready to go to market.  When you live in a trailer court, it can be tricky to sell your house, sitting on their lot, if they are not going to approve it to stay there.  Well.  I got a mini-novel of things they wanted fixed.  Resentment flared because there are lots of places in worse shape than mine in that court.  Then I realized, they'll probably have a worse to-do list than me if they decide to sell.  They have my sympathies.  The list was full of fun stuff like painting, adding railings where I didn't need them when I bought the place, same thing with back stairs...didn't need them when I bought the place but now I do.  Down to window & screen replacements, and replacing all the screws on the skirting.  LOTS of work to be done.  My heart sank into my stomach and sat there like a rock.  And then I dusted off and got to work.  AFTER my back had recovered from my class reunion which took a good month of chiropractic treatment (joy).  So I worked and worked and spent and spent.  And the house looks pretty good but I ran out of good weather and money and didn't get it into compliance and therefore on the market.  I'm hoping I can pull it off by next summer.  If not, I'll try to get everything done by the end of summer and try to sell it during the winter.  I don't care.  I just want the bloody thing sold!  Time to move on to the next chapter of my life.  The raising kids chapter is done.  Now I want to be a free spirited grandma who travels and has lots of fun and doesn't have to do yard work or repair toilets!   Been there, done that, sick of it.

I can't say I have any sadness over bidding 2012 adieu.  It did have its high points but I'm hoping to have more success with my various goals in the coming year.  I'm going to give up on the shaming thing.  Here is my list of goals for the coming year - it's short but should be challenging!

>  Lose weight!
>  Get more fit - amp up my physical activity levels and stop being such a marshmallow!
>  Get my house into compliance and get it on the market!
>  On the personal growth side...try to be more positive in my approach to life.  Acknowledge that I alone am responsible for my mental health and if I'm moping around, blaming others for my unhappiness I need to check myself and make some adjustments to my thinking or decide if I'm willing to make some changes to my life to solve the issues. 

Not a bad list!  And no shame involved!  I do have to fight my basic nature for some of them.  I'm not a naturally balanced person.  I tend to lean towards pleasure seeking and laziness.  But I don't like my weight, I don't like that I'm a marshmallow and I don't like that I sometimes wallow in self pity and bitterness more than I should.  (I have to admit I enjoy that sometimes...ok a lot.)  Some of that stuff is ok but I need to find more balance.  I will NEVER be a super-cheerful/positive/driven/skinny exercise buff but sliding a bit more in that direction wouldn't hurt me any. 

Final random thoughts

Since the world is ending tomorrow I have a few things I’d like to say. 

Ø  To my family – I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!  You are freaking nuts! 

o   My parents – so glad neither of you ever really turned into “grown-ups”!  I’ve inherited that and it has made my life so much more fun than if I was actually a “grown-up”.  You have some great genetic material – thank you for sharing!  And for being my playmates in life as well as my parents.   And thanks for being good looking, smart and talented.  I got some good kids out of that genetic mix!  My family looks great in family pictures!  Love you!!!

o   My siblings – I will miss our conversations and how the volume goes up and up as we all talk over each other since we all have issues with waiting for someone to take a breath and have large lung capacities.  And we all know everything and no one can tell us different!  If only the world could sit in on our discussions – all problems would be solved.  Stupid world doesn’t know what it’s missing out on!  Love you!!!

o   My kids – you guys are my built in favorite people to hang out with!  Funny how that turned out since I was ready to run away from home/praying to be taken to jail/wishing you’d call child protection on me so they’d take you/me away/dreaming of being drugged up in a psych ward so nothing would matter so often when I was raising you.  You were too much like me and my sibs – my Mom got her revenge.  I raised a pack of “I hope you have kids just like you someday”s!  Love you!!!

o   Ken – ok – I really needed another serious dose of my Ken in January.  DAMMIT!!!  I’m bitter about this one.  If the idiots are wrong and the world doesn’t end tomorrow, it’s on baby!!!  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Why yes, I think you are!  I’ve had more damned fun doing everything with you!  Love you!!!

Ø  To my classmates – I’m thankful for facebook so I could learn what a pain in the ass I was as a kid and that you guys aren’t nearly as bad as I thought you were!  In fact, you’re pretty great!  Who’da thunk?  I’ve been happily educated!  You guys rock!  Hopefully we’ll party together in the next phase of existence!

Ø  To my pals  – So glad I met your sarcastic, cranky, goofball asses!  You can’t be a delicate flower and be a close friend with me.  You gotta be able to tolerate some crude/foul language/discussions because when I’m with those I know well, I really relax and that can make some run for the hills!  I’m grateful for you guys and that you can hand it back!  I don’t hang with pussies!  So guys, you aren’t pussies in my book – you rock!  And I love you!  And after today you won’t have to listen to any more of my shit, like when I whine or am mean or unfair or bitchy.  I know, you’ll miss it.  J 

Ø  State of Minnesota – kiss my lily white ass!   (aside - I’ve stopped tanning for the winter so it’s white)   You fuckers tax too much of my income and if the world had lasted long enough I’d have finally gotten my house sold and moved someplace that isn’t all full of tax and spend fiends!  Piss off! 

o   On a side note, you have a gorgeous state in the spring, summer and fall.  Winter, pfft.  But you tax too much and live outside your means.  And I’m sick of being afraid to admit to being a fiscal conservative for fear of getting my car keyed. 

Ø  Governor Dayton – stop looking like a beaten puppy dog!!  I tell you, every time I see your face I want to run up and shake you and slap you and tell you to knock it off!  Plus, don’t speak.  You sound like Elmo with a cold.  Not good. 

Ø  Going to keep it local because thinking about the federal level makes me want to end things a bit early.  Seriously.  I’ve made a point of avoiding that as much as possible over the years in an effort to maintain my sanity and not have to start taking anti-depressants.  Avoidance is my medicine and it has worked.  Gotta get back to it because I’m getting that sick feeling again just from writing this!  If the world wasn’t ending tomorrow I’d have to say I think the US is pretty fucked right now. 

Ø  To my boss – I’ve been making an effort.  Yesterday was a good day with us!  We LOL’d together in emails.  Rare but hey, it happened and I’m glad!  Sadly it happened because I was an idiot but that’s beside the point.  I still wish I would have lived long enough to quit working for you.  So I could have done a private happy dance on my last day.  Either that or managed to actually decide to like working for you instead of wanting to storm out of here at random moments.  I think I’m getting there some days and then it hits again.  But tomorrow it’s all over so no more worries!  We’re ending on a good note!  Unless we manage to screw it up today.  I’m going to avoid contact as much as possible to be on the safe side.

All I can think of right now.  I’m ready.  I think I’ll go home and engage in some of the 7 deadly sins just for the fun of it tonight!  Going out with a bang!   A small bang but a bang nonetheless!  ROCK ON!!!  Or not.  J

Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting

My heart is broken for the families who've suffered losses because of the recent mass shootings at the Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I cried because I imagined how I'd feel if I'd heard that one of my granddaughters had been shot and killed at school one day.  A lot of people are in an enormous amount of pain right now.  My heart goes out to them! 

Since this has happened I've seen a lot of people politicizing it as far as for/against gun control.  They want to make sure this never happens again.  I have some sad news for people.  It doesn't matter if you banned all guns or if you have everyone armed to the teeth.  You can't stop the random mad man from doing what Adam Lanza did, or countless others have done, when they decide to spread their suffering before they kill themselves.  This is the truth.  Like it or not, it is the truth.

People want to believe that they can control the world.  They want to make sense out of chaos and make it go away.  The fact is that the world is full of chaos and no matter how many laws you enact or how many protective bubbles you try to create or how hard you pray, you won't be safe.

Safety is an illusion.  The idea if you eat well and exercise you'll live to a ripe old age.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  If you drive safely, you won't die in a flaming car crash.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  That the child your bore won't someday turn on you and kill you.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  That the parent who bore you won't suddenly turn on you and kill you.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  I could go on and on. 

If you somehow manage to ban guns and get all of them removed from the public sector, what's next?  Can you ban someone from making bombs?  (Oklahoma bomber ring any bells?)  Or possibly using bows and arrows?  Or a knife and slashing some throats?  Or just bare hands and strangling or bludgeoning someone to death?  Happens all the time folks.  You can't legislate it away.  I'm sorry.  You can't.  And if you arm everyone can you stop this?  Well maybe you can stop it sooner than happened in this situation but there is no guarantee of that either.

If you call the police because someone you know is buying guns and making comments will that stop them?  Hard to say.  No guarantees here either.  If the guns are all legal and the person isn't deemed as unfit to have them, the police can do nothing because they haven't broken any laws.  Maybe that bit of attention would make a difference but maybe not. 

There is evil in the world and it won't be legislated.  It won't obey laws.  You can try but you may not be able to protect your loved ones against it.  Or even yourself.  You can try to hedge your bets by doing the things I mentioned above...eating well, driving carefully, etc.  It's something!  But it's not a guarantee.  There are none. 

One thing I try to do, is remember that my loved ones could be taken from me at any time.  Or that I could be taken from them at any time.  I live my life accordingly.  I make sure they all know how much I love them.  If I was to die today I can honestly say I'd have no unfinished business except I'd wish I could have stayed longer.  I'd have no regrets.  I think about how people will feel if we were suddenly over and unable to resolve any issues.  I live with this awareness of potential chaos every day.  I understand wanting to make it go away but you can't.  Just like death.  There is no more chance of escape from chaos than there is from death.  It will happen.  Ask a cancer patient.  Ask a hurricane survivor.  Ask Senator Gabby.  It's bigger than us.  And the ones who survive?  It's temporary.  We're all doing to die.  It's inescapable.  And if he wants to, one madman can change the world.  Can break your heart.

I think it's kind of dangerous to think that we can stop this kind of thing from happening.  Dangerous because if we really believe we're safe, we can continue to act like idiots and not take care of our personal relationships like we should.  Because we think we have time that we may not have.  

The only solace I can take from what happened to those children and the adults who died in this shooting is that they were loved.  And I hope that they all knew how much and that the families only regrets are that they won't get to give them more love in the coming years.  In the end, I think that's the most important lesson to this.  Don't leave unfinished business.  If you love someone, don't play games with them.  Don't withhold it from them because things aren't going your way.  Grow up!  Stop acting like an idiot!  Deal with the issues but always make sure they know how very much they are loved!!  Always.

some days the excitement is more than I can bear

I just had a conversation with a co-worker about the fact that he discovered an "O" in a project # that he now needed to filter out of his search groups.  He came up to my office to tell me that.  My soul is dying.

Today has been a testy day for me.  Started at 12:30 AM when I heard my dog Bruiser crying as he circled round and round and I realized he was setting up to take a dump on the floor!  I leapt out of bed and threw him outside.  At least I caught him before he stenched up my house. 

Then this AM when it was time for him to go out he almost made it to the door.  I'm clapping and urging him to me and he's giving me a look and I realize he's going to make a run for it.  He did.  It was VERY cold and snowing out and his delicate highness doesn't care for cold or snow so he tried to escape.  I can't say I blame him!  But I wrangled him down, onto his leash and pushed him out the door. 

We had a snow storm the day before so I bundled up and headed out to dig my car out.  More good news!  It hadn't snowed much since the night before so all I had to do was shovel a path out to the street and was on the road in about 10 mins!  Got to the bus stop and found there was a line waiting that reminded me of lines for rides at our local amusement park, Valley Fair.  I decided I'd take a pass on waiting for a couple of buses and got back in my car to brave the crappy roads.  Roads were slow enough so there was no risk of a spin out, but they were steady.  I was shocked, after all this, that I was a whopping 15 minutes late for work!  Not bad! 

I was the first one to arrive at the office and as some of my co-workers called in to announce they'd be late, they marveled at the fact that I'd made it in so early.  What can I say?  I'm a professional northerner who doesn't forget how to drive when it snows!  We're a rare breed.  As I received calls I discovered what a crab I can be when they'd ask how I got in so early I was tempted to say "I tried and then succeeded".

So I've been plugging away at work, avoiding people since my snarky side is in full bloom today and I'm not to be trusted.  In fact, I'm going to strongly edit myself about the many not so kind thoughts that flew through my head over this and that today.  Even I'm ashamed of some of them and others can hurt feelings and lord knows I've had to pull enough posts off this blog because I've hurt feelings and/or offended people I care about!  Some things are better left unsaid and only roaming inside my own head.  It's possible it's early onset PMS but also possible it's just because sometimes I'm a bitch.

I want to be honest when I write but sometimes the cost is too high.   I don't mind making myself look like an ass.  I am one sometimes and it's good that I don't let myself lose sight of that, but while I tend to be brutal with myself I'm equally brutal with others and it doesn't always come off well if I write it and post it here.  I prefer not to fight with anyone or damage my relationships so I'm learning to edit in spite of the fact that I think it's a good exercise to expose oneself, so to speak. 

It would be really easy to make posts that show me as always being kind, talented, smart or generous.  To only post pictures of myself that are flattering.  Problem is, I feel like a fraud if I only show the parts of me that I like and hide the rest.  Even when it hurts!  Like admitting I'm fat.  Or being a bitch or an ass.  When I'm having a tantrum and realize I was out of line.  Or that I have odd little whiskers on my chin that I have to trim daily (oh the joys of getting old!). 

We all have embarrassing parts and my way of connecting is to show you mine!  If you want to respond in kind, fine but if not, at least you maybe got a chuckle over something that clicked and you know what I'm talking about, even if you don't want to say it about yourself. 

I started this planning to write about my snarky day and realized I can't say too much without potentially offending people but I'll make a few comments because I think I can get away with them.

I watched a guy take an amazing amount of time to spread some chicken or tuna salad on a couple of buns.  I think he did it a 1/2 tsp at a time.  With profuse spreading in between each 1/2 tsp!  I think if he was around me a lot I'd have to kill him just because of that. 

I was reminded that my adult co-workers can't put away clean dishes in the dishwasher.  Usually our receptionist does that but she was snowed in and late and so they just piled their dirty dishes in the sink rather than put away the clean ones (took maybe 2 mins) and put their dirty dishes away. 

If someone wants me to change a field in a program they should tell me the correct field to change.  I honestly don't know anyone who can really read minds!  I felt like my boss and I were speaking different languages today.  I finally sent her a picture of what was happening because describing it didn't seem to be working.  Then she sent me a picture back and at that point I was ready to go back home because that was when I realized she'd been telling me to change the wrong thing!  What she was telling me to do at that point made no sense.  I emailed her back in frustration asking her what the heck she was talking about because it made no sense!  Then I went back to the picture she sent and studied it and decided to try it even tho it wasn't changing the Revenue Method (term she used) but was instead changing the Revenue Type (shown in her picture).  It worked.  So I had to admit that I figured it out right after I'd sent the message of massive frustration and confusion.  I wasn't going to bother pointing out her terminology issues.  That would just turn it into a pissing match again and I'm tired of having those with her.

And to close, I really wish people wouldn't walk up to my office to tell me the sent me an email.  Do they not get how email works? 

"Nuff said!  Happy Monday!

Maybe not "nuff said.  Just got home from a slow commute to find that my parking space has not been plowed.  The plows were busy little bees yesterday piling snow around my car for me to shovel but when my car is gone it's just not as fun to plow in front of my house!  Well I backed my car back into my snowbank.  Repeatedly.  I'll make my own god-damned parking spot!  I'm in a mood.  Now I'm parked slanty-wise on my sidewalk and I don't give a rat's ass.  I'm tempted to just pull into my yard and create my own driveway!

I felt like crying when I drove up and saw that and drove around the block and saw no better options.  It's frustrating.  I wish I had my own snow plow.