I'm dreading weigh in tomorrow! I have not behaved well on my diet at all this week. I'll blame PMS because I'm feeling more starved that usual and am having fixated cravings. It's bad that it kicked in a week and a half before Aunt Flo is due to arrive for her monthly visit. That's a whole week left to continue to bomb on my diet or to battle even harder than normal to behave. I do not know how this will go down.
If I have undone some of my work of the previous week I may find motivation. I hope it will be enough to fight my body's urges! I've had times where I even get the hypoglycemic thing going on...if I don't eat I get dizzy and shaky. It's really obnoxious when that happens because I KNOW I don't need the food but my body says I WILL have it or I will feel like passing out if I don't.
I hate my freaking hormones sometimes! They do not help me accomplish goals!
My daughter was over last night and we were talking about fatness. And men. She is working at a bar, waitressing, and is loving the tips but beyond sick of getting her ass grabbed and being hit on all the time. Men can be such pigs! I understand her annoyance as I have also dealt with it in the past. I thought I was immune at my age...mid-40's...when I last got slimmed down and I got educated that it is still a problem even for 40 somethings!
Even the most professional men can act like sexist pigs if you look good! I told her about one of my jobs I had when I was going thru the breakup with my son's dad. I had gotten fired and was in the process of having my home foreclosed on because my son's dad wasn't helping pay the mortgage since we split. I desperately needed the shitty job I ended up getting. That set the stage for me to put up with some sexual harassment from my boss. It was a terrible time of my life.
Turned out the guy hired me because he wanted to fuck me. Nice. So he was feeling me up whenever he had a chance and no one was around. Just quick grabs here and there. I NEEDED the job so just pulled away when he'd grab my ass or tit or sneak up and rub his stiffy up against my backside. I didn't make a big deal of it. I'd try to laugh it off. I needed to feed my 3 kids and I was on my own. I couldn't risk pissing the fucker off and he was volatile. When we were around my 2 co-workers he would scream and yell at me. Insults and fun shit like that. Or else he'd call me "Peaches". Never knew what to expect but he was bi-polar so....So when I told my co-workers what was going on, they didn't believe me. The woman even turned against me and started acting like uber bitch to me. What a lovely cunt she was.
I ended up getting another job thru a temp agency. The day after I got the new job I went to work early, with a letter of resignation and slapped that and my key on his desk and walked out. Never laid eyes on the bastard again. Never did a lawsuit because even my own co-workers didn't believe me, so it was pointless.
After that job I started a steady weight gain. It wasn't a conscious decision but I've discovered that being fat is a safe place in many ways. I think part of me was looking for a safe place. When I'm fat, I know men appreciate me for what I bring to the table - my brains and abilities, not because they are thinking with their dicks. I find a lot of comfort in that! I don't have to deal with men's stupid, obnoxious sides as much. Being fat makes you somewhat invisible to them. They usually won't act like letches to fat girls. Not always but usually they won't. Their upper brains work better around fat girls.
I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago. It was so much fun to look hot again! I did it because I wanted to feel confident enough to go back to dating. The side effects were that I got a lot of attention from men thinking with their dicks again. It mostly worked out because I was thinking with my nether regions also...there were solid reasons for "dating" and most of it had nothing to do with love...that was a sideline wish but not necessary for my survival. I have lots of love in my life and don't require a man to feel loved. But I do require a man for sex sometimes...toys just aren't as satisfying!
Doing the dating site thing was soul killing after a while and I'd have to take breaks so I wouldn't end up hating men and their idiotic dick brains. I know I was party to it also but at least I wasn't running around offering pictures of my pussy to strange men that I saw pics of on dating sites! I wasn't sending them messages offering my "services" because I'd be in their neighborhood for some other event and could stop by for a quickie after. This is what I got from men I'd never spoken to or messaged before! This was their introductory approach! It was entertaining for short periods and then it just got obnoxious. Even tho I was looking for some action, a little hint of respect is nice for Christ's sake!! Was it really necessary to fall to that base a level? Was it really, you horny little fuckers???
DAMMIT!!! I deleted a paragraph by mistake here! SHIT!! Sigh...it wasn't that important anyway. It was about my current work and that was minor compared to the story about the past employer/asswipe I told you about up top. Back to the entry in progress...
So now I'm fat again. And the crap has stopped at work. I can once more live under the illusion that the men I work for aren't sometimes pigs. And now I'm going to try to lose the weight again. And while I love looking good and all the side effects, like feeling sexy and more athletic and being healthier, when I achieve these goals I will also have to deal with some of the male bullshit again also. I wonder how old I'll have to be before that stops? And will I miss it? Hard to say. Can't say I miss it now so probably not.
At least I won't ever be on any dating sites anymore!! I have my Mr. K so those dick brains can piss off!! It won't be nearly so bad this time around because I have him!
But there are benefits to being fat.
