50

I’m going to be 50 years old tomorrow.

Personally I don’t mind this.  It’s some of the things that come along with it that I’m not enjoying that much. 

I’m less bendy.  Recently I’ve had two unpleasant sessions with back problems, one of which I blogged about here earlier this month, the other was triggered by stooping to scrape some food into the garbage.  HOW DARE I STOOP?  <face slap>  For heaven’s sake, I’m almost 50…if I stoop I must be punished by my spine!  I’m going to keep this clean so will not launch into a swearing tirade about my spine.  I’m not friendly with it at the moment.  I'd like a divorce but can't handle being that floppy.

Two weeks in a row of pain, missed (unpaid) work and numerous chiropractic visits.  It’s been over a week since the last spasm so doing ok but still feel stiff and sore.  In essence, I’m feeling old and creaky.  It’s one thing to turn 50.  It’s another thing to feel like you’re 80 while you’re doing it. 

The reason I say 80 is because I learned this weekend that my Dad, at 73, is more limber than I am at the moment.   Made me a bit gloomy about my future if I don’t get myself in better shape!  I think I’m going to try yoga and see if I can restore some flexibility.  Things hurt so I protect them and in doing so I think I’m making it worse.  I expect I’ll find out if I’m wrong about that if I do some yoga.  We'll see.  It's more blogging material if it doesn't go well so there's a silver lining for you.

I’m in the menopause zone!  Or is it perimenopause?  Who knows but Huzzah!  I have hot flashes and PMS.  Fun times.

I could eat a horse or two.  If they were made of chocolate I could.  Last night I ate a semi-dried out amaretto cupcake because Lacey ate the last of the pre-b’day cake before I realized I had a craving.  Survival of the fittest at my house when it comes to cake!  Looking back on it, it seems rather pitiful.  But while it might have been dry and a bit chewy (not quite dusty) the flavor was good!

Those lovely hot flashes are such fun…standing there washing dishes with sweat dripping into your eyes.  Having to stand in front of the fan flapping your shirt to cool off because you’re drenched in sweat.  In January.  When it's a hundred degrees below zero. 

And night sweats.  Oh yeah baby!  Nothing better than getting up to pee and then crawling back into a bed with damp sheets during the winter time.  Nosiree!  Nothing is much better than that! 

And the peeing…it’s a rare night where I just SLEEP all night long.  Sadly I don’t think I can blame that on PMS or menopause.  I should probably not drink anything after 6 PM or some crap like that.  Pfft.  Like that’s going to happen!

Right now I’m rather bitchy.  I can blame that on PMS OR menopause.  I have options!  Let’s just say I don’t think I should have to take responsibility.  I’m hormonally insane.  Not my fault.  It's natural! (This could work for me)

Time for a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray.  Some will understand...

The perfect shitstorm hit me this morning

I was off work yesterday because of back problems.  Rather strange ones actually...I'd try to get dressed and have a severe spasm that would leave me gasping for air and feeling like I had a charlie horse going around my rib cage.  Then it would settle down and aside from an ache I'd feel pretty good.  I'd start thinking I was just being a big baby...it wasn't so bad and I'd try to get dressed and it would hit again and I'd be left crying and cuddling my heating pad. 


That was my day.  Ibuprofen, heating pad and laying down most of the time.  I couldn't even play World of Warcraft because sitting up for any time span hurt.


I put a call into my chiropractor.  He's semi-retired so only open on M/W/F.  I figured I'd play it safe and get in there first thing in the morning and then head off to work with my spinal problems solved.  It was a plan.


This morning I woke with the ache but it was tolerable.  I got ready for work and waited for my chiropractor's call.  He called at 9 AM and said he could see me as soon as I could get there.  YAY!  Life was about to get better!

I put on my coat, grabbed my purse and my lunch and turned the knob on the front door and pulled.  It didn't open.  I tried repeatedly.  It didn't open.  I bent down and realized that the thingy that goes into the door jamb was ignoring the turning knob.  I'm like, are you kidding me???  NOW????  Oh for crying out loud!


So I grab my power drill.  Can't get it at the screws - bad angle. 


I go digging in my tool box and get the Phillips and take the door knob off.  The other side clunks down to the floor and now I can see thru the hole in my door.  And I still can't get the thingy that goes into the jamb to get out of the jamb. 


I'm locked in my house!


Then the mother of all back spasms hits.  I'm suddenly in so much pain life becomes a blur.  I stand and pant for a few minutes realizing that now I REALLY need the chiropractor and I'm going to have to climb out my back door to get to him. 


I live in a mobile home.  I don't have stairs at my back door, hence the word "climb". 


So I find a rag to stuff into the hole in the front door.  Not like anyone can break in right?  I couldn't even get out!  Just trying to cut down on my heat bill while I'm gone. 


I know I'm now going to be wading thru snow drifts to get to the front of my house so I need to change out of my work shoes.  I kick them off and step into my snow boots, which I can't tie because I'm in too much pain and it's just impossible to manage.  At least I have boots on. 


I slowly, with much gasping and tears, manage to get myself out the back door. 


The spasm is REALLY not happy that I didn't run to the heating pad and I have to force myself to inhale against the vice grip around my mid-section.  I'm standing there, in the snow drifts, with my boots untied, gasping for air.  I take a few steps and have to pant a bit more.  I come around the corner and realize that my car was moved down the street last night so it wouldn't be towed since they were plowing the trailer court today.  I'd forgotten about that.  The plows had gone by already so there is a nice big drift to get over to get to the street.  Fun times!


I get out into the street...I'm crying because I'm having an incredulous pity party about what is happening to me...and I drop my keys on the street.  Can someone please kill me now?


I get them.  It hurt.  I guess when it hurts like that does it really matter if it hurts a bit worse?  You won't really stop breathing because of a rib charlie horse right?  Well I didn't.  I didn't die. 


I slowly got myself folded into my car and got it started.  Then I tried to call Lacey to warn her that she won't be able to get in the front door when she gets home.  No answer. 


I call Ben because I realize there is no way I'll be able to climb back in thru the back door unless my condition vastly improves.  It probably wouldn't improve that much.  Ben says he'll come over and get the front door opened for me. 


I head for the doctor.  I drive a stick.  Added to the fun I was already experiencing.  Moving my legs around on the clutch and shifting.  There are times....


I unfold myself out of the car and toddle into the chiro's office.  I'm embarrassed because I've been crying from the pain on the drive down.  I feel like such a baby!

Lacey calls while I'm standing there crying and I tell her what's going on.  I tell her she can get in thru the back door and that Ben is coming to get the front door opened.  Later I find out I left the knob on the back door locked.  Perfect.


I've had this chiro, Dr. John, for years so we know each other well and are having a laugh at this perfect shit storm while we try to get my spine to chill out. 


Didn't have the greatest luck but at least got it to unclench some.  I get to go back again after work today for another try. 


Left his office and went to Menard's to buy a new door knob.  Got home, handed it to Ben to install while I went back to my room to take ibuprofen and cuddle the heating pad so I could go to work for the afternoon and not waste the entire day laying in bed again. 


My back still needs work but so far no more spasms from hell this afternoon.  I've gotten some work done so the day isn't a waste. 


My mind is still a bit boggled by the timing of the door knob issue. 


If that door knob would have worked like it always does I'd probably have made it to the chiropractor without incident.  My back wouldn't have been in spasm and I might have been able to get the problem area set to rights again.


If I would have installed some back stairs last fall like I'd intended I wouldn't have had to climb down the side of my house while in extreme pain this morning. 


If it wasn't plowing day I wouldn't have had to go walking down the street to get to my car or dropped my keys while I was in the middle of the street. 


I guess it wasn't quite the perfect shit storm because my chiropractor was available when I got there.  He'll be available again tonight for another try.  My son was able to come over and fix the door knob.  My daughter was able to get in the house despite my leaving the back door knob locked by accident. 


It was close enough tho.

Fixations and obsessions but not OCD

I was just reading a blog "Single Dad Laughing" where the author lets people post things about themselves and then he puts it into a post.  http://www.danoah.com/2014/01/50-more-weird-confessions-4.html

I realize that I’m not nearly as crazy as some people are!  WOO HOO!!!

Kind of a relief as I’ve been wondering if I should get some counseling lately. 

Guess I’m not ready to completely toss that possibility out the window just yet but now I feel much less concerned about my periods of fixating, obsessing and freaking out over certain key items.  Like my car.  And my kitchen floor.  I have to work really hard to logic myself out of stress balls over those things sometimes.  And weirdly those are the main 2 things I fixate on. 

The car thing has been calm lately since my big, expensive repair, since it stopped the stuttering crap but next time I plan a road trip it’ll probably kick into high gear again.  I wasn't always like this.  Years ago I’d climb in my piece of crap cars with my kids and head for the hills without worrying about it.  I had several break-downs doing that.  I suppose most have?  Anyway, now I talk myself out of most road trips because I don’t want to stress about the possibility of my car breaking down.  The only way out of that would be to have a brand new car under warranty.  Can't afford one so that's not an option.  So I have to fight with myself every time I plan a road trip.  It gets mentally exhausting dealing with myself sometimes.  And I annoy others with it while I fret also. 

My kitchen floor triggers me too.  The ridge in the floor that caused the original crack in the linoleum is still there.  Despite my repairs and new flooring, I tip toe around it.  I had to put at least 1 rug over it and I want to put more down but am resisting the urge.  Lacey thinks I’m nuts.  She doesn’t see the ridge.  I see where the new flooring is separating.  (Click vinyl flooring) I feel urgency to sell the house before the flooring goes to hell again.  Even with my pretty new floor, which I thought would solve this problem, I can’t leave it alone. 

I logic it away.  If the floor does break down it’s a weekend of work taking the floor apart and repairing it, plus a box of flooring for extra parts so probably less than $100 cash outlay.  Really the least of my worries. 

But when people stand or sit over/on the ridge I can’t stop thinking about it.  They will be talking to me and I'm distracted because they are standing on/near "THE RIDGE".  And I want them to move but don't want to reveal my craziness so I shut up and then think "what were they just talking about?"    Sometimes I don't even want to come home because of it.  Wow!  I just admitted that! 

GET AWAY FROM THE RIDGE!!!

Sometimes I fight back by making myself step on it.  Yeah, I am kind of weird. 

It feels like some weird mental illness.  But it’s not OCD.  I have no counting compulsions.  I don’t feel like the world will end or something terrible will happen.  I’m just totally freaking weird about my kitchen floor and it’s part of the reason I hate staying in the house longer.  And I am now paranoid as hell about taking road trips.  To the point where I rarely visit my Mother and brother back in ND anymore. 

true picture of North Dakota landscape (I'm a liar)

I am tabling my plan to put the house on the market for a while.  Some things need to be sorted out as far as Penelope's welfare first.  She needs a stable environment and her mom's attention since she still doesn't speak and can not be put into a regular daycare as she has no way of defending herself or expressing her thoughts about what's going and how it affects her.  It would be detrimental to Penelope for her mom to work full-time job to support her.  While all kids need their moms, Penelope REALLY needs her mom's focus right now.  Having a special needs child in the family ratchets up some things...there's a reason they call them special needs...lots of extras needed to help them reach their potential!  Extra considerations have to be taken for their welfare. 

I'm going to have to deal with this bit of weirdness I have going on. 

That's why I'm considering counseling.  One of the reasons.  There are a lot of stressors on me at the moment.  Seems weird considering how rather boring my day to day life is but there are goals to be reached and finances required to hit those goals.  Debt has been incurred while pay was cut and it needs to be paid down.  

There are certain problem people that need to be dealt with or I need to find a new job. 

Staying here is good and bad for me.  Leaving is good and bad for me.  Both have some high emotional cost and losses.  I will be paying regardless. 

Really, my fixating thingy is probably the least of my worries. 

My blogs aren't funny lately. 

I need a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

An "intellectual experiment" and Atheist churches? Really?

I just read a couple of articles that surprised me a bit.  The first one was about a pastor who decided to try being an atheist for a year.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/08/pastor-learns-the-price-of-atheism/?hpt=hp_c3

That story was connected to another about an atheist church.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/04/after-a-schism-a-question-can-atheist-churches-last/

And yet another about the 6 types of atheists.  http://www.atheismresearch.com/  (I have tried linking several sites for this article and can't get the links to work - copy and paste this to access the article - sorry I don't know what the problem is)

The atheist pastor was the first to stymie me.  He decided to do it as some sort of “intellectual experiment”.  Then he promptly lost 2 jobs teaching at Christian schools.  Why am I not surprised about that?

While I think it’s admirable for him to try to understand I don’t think you can pretend to be an atheist and really “get” what being an atheist is.  You can find out a few things maybe but to really understand, you have to lack belief.  He calls himself an agnostic.  I AM an agnostic.  I don’t know how you can be a teacher at a Christian school that requires you to state your Christian beliefs as part of the employment process or to be a pastor if you’re actually an agnostic. 

Definition from Wikipedia:  Agnosticism is the belief that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are unknown.^[1][2][3] Agnosticism sometimes indicates doubt or a skeptical approach to questions. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.

If he still holds the title of pastor and teaches at this Christian school, how can he possibly be agnostic?  Unless he’s a liar? 

He can’t know what it feels like to be a true atheist.  He can’t even really know how it feels to be a true agnostic, like myself. 

I am an agnostic because I don’t believe in God.  Let’s say I’m exceptionally skeptical.  I am an agnostic because I don’t completely disbelieve the possibility of God.  I could be wrong.  I don’t really think so but since I don’t know everything I can’t say for 100% certainty that there is no God.  I just don’t think it’s very likely. 

This means I can’t tip the scales into being an atheist though let’s just say I dance harder in that direction than in the direction of the church. 

The thing is, this pastor, at his core, believes.  That is why his “intellectual experiment” will fail.  Faith or lack of faith is a very personal thing.  You can fake it.  But you’ll know you’re faking it.  I knew I was faking it.  I still go to church for weddings and funerals.  I know all the words and the rituals.  I love some of the music.  I feel like a fraud. 

Church used to be a comforting place.  I went to Sunday school, was confirmed, attended adult bible studies & women’s study groups and taught Sunday school. 

Over the years I debated my thoughts on my studies in various groups and with pastors.  Some of whom embraced those debates and enjoyed them and some who shut me down promptly, saying “that’s not what we believe.”  I truly enjoyed those debates and my studies!  (Slight detour:  One of my favorites was the idea that Satan was God’s best angel.  People didn’t like that one but really, it makes a lot of sense when you think about it.  If God is supposed to be omniscient.  If he is all powerful, then how could Satan be doing evil if God didn’t allow it?  God needs contrast.  If everything is all fluffy and good  and sweet as sugar, would anyone appreciate it?  Would they worship God if they didn’t know that Satan was out there causing all kinds of evil things to happen?  If they didn’t need someone to save them?  Think about it.)

The thing is I didn’t only study the bible.  I’m fascinated by this entire planet, the universe and by human beings and their history.  These things all came together in me and moved me away from the church.  That was a long process (years).   

Here is what I believe. 

I believe that humankind has been inventing Gods since they could think enough to be scared and to try to do something to feel less afraid.  They invented Gods to give them an illusion of control over the chaos of this world.  If they just did this, this and/or this well enough and often enough, God would save them.  If they weren’t saved, then someone screwed up or it was just God’s will.  That’s my very simplified view.  It’s bigger than that tho.  It’s something humans did all over the world.  Sacrifice was a big theme. 

It also creates a common belief system that helps hold groups together and gives them rules to follow so as not to piss God off and end up causing some disaster to your tribe or going to hell.  God is a great unifier of people.  God motivates people to be better than they might be without the threat of hell or tragedy. 

I do believe in the possibility of life after death.  Not necessarily in heaven.  But I think the soul goes on.  I believe in the soul.  I have felt it leave the body.  I believe I have had "visitations" from loved ones who have passed on.  I like to dream that reincarnation could be right and maybe I could come back to this miraculous planet again in some new life.  I do love being here.  It's magnificent!

There are horrible things done in the name of God.  Many, many, many horrible things.  And those horrible things also unite and help to control groups of people. 

Anyway. 

I could go on about this in depth but that’s not really the point.  I wanted to give you a brief synopsis of why I’m agnostic.  It’s not because I have issues with the church.  It’s not because I think the church is bad.  It’s just that I don’t believe. 

To get back on point.  This pastor can’t pretend to be an atheist and expect to truly understand what being an atheist is.  Because he believes. 

It is strange to be an outsider.  He might get that but probably not.  He won’t know what it’s like to stand in a church with a room full of believers and not believe.  He can’t know what it feels like for me to go to church.  To feel like, if I say the words that I know from all those years when I believed, am I belittling their beliefs because I don’t?  Or should I say the words and fit in out of respect for their beliefs even if I am lying with every word?  He won’t feel that.  I do. 

How about when he goes on facebook, assuming he does, and some tragedy befalls a friend and everyone is sending prayers.  Will he be sitting there thinking how useless that is?  I do.  Will he feel ineffectual and helpless?  I do.  Will he wish he believed so he could pray and feel like he was doing something even tho he really wasn’t?  I do. 

Will he be quiet about his pretend lack of belief?  I doubt it since that wouldn’t really help his “intellectual experiment” would it?  I normally prefer to be quiet. 

Here is why I normally prefer to be quiet. 

There aren’t that many of us.  We, the agnostics and atheists, are outsiders to the majority.  Believers tend to see you as damaged or broken and try to fix you.  My own Mother has made the comment that she somehow failed because I don't believe.  They sometimes argue with you and tell you you’re wrong.  They sometimes stop being friends with you. 

We are outsiders.  We are not part of that cozy congregation any longer.  There is some pain of separation involved.  At least for me there is. 

We are sometimes perceived as lacking morals because you can’t have morals if you aren’t afraid of going to hell right?  I have the same morals as I did when I was a practicing Christian.  It’s a nicer way to live doing nice things for people!  I’m not interested in suddenly running around doing all kinds of bad things.  I never was nice or mean because I thought I was going to heaven or hell to begin with!  Being raised a Lutheran you pretty much are guaranteed a spot in the clouds so you should want to be good in gratitude.  I wasn’t raised to fear going to hell.  Never have worried about that.  Still managed to grow into a pretty nice person anyway.  I think I’m pretty nice anyway!

Probably the biggest reason I don’t say anything is because I don’t want my Christian friends to think I’m looking down on them.  Sometimes agnostics/atheists are perceived as condescending.  Well, we can be but Christians can be condescending also so I think we’re even.  It’s generally easier to avoid the subject for me.

Sadly, I think this priest, who lost 2 jobs in his attempt to have this “intellectual experiment” of atheism, is doomed to fail because he cannot truly understand.  Unless he is actually an atheist.  Or agnostic.  Or becomes one because there’s some part of him that doubts and he is testing that. 

This ran a bit long so I’ll quickly touch on the other 2 articles…well mostly the atheist church since the 6 types idea…hmmm I’m a middle one and I love how they try to compartmentalize people all the time.  Not. 

The atheist church gives me the shudders!  I do miss the sense of community of the church.  I get that!  But a shared belief is what brings the Christians together.  Would I want to go to a church to talk about how great it is to NOT believe?  Or to bitch about believers?  Not on your life!! Holy cripes!!  Well, there are extremists everywhere.  Kind of sounds like the idea behind this church is to debate the rightness of non-belief.  Well I guess that’s kind of like the Christian church which reinforces reasons for belief.  But still!  Much as I sometimes miss that sense of community the church provided I think I’ll take a pass on attending an atheist church! 

(And they meet on Sundays…for some reason I find that pretty funny!)

It's a new year! Some things will be changing and some things won't.

I'm reading my friend's postings on facebook about their new diets and intentions to get healthier in 2014.  I'm doing the same thing so I'm interested! 

I'm learning I'm not nearly as committed as some.

I recently saw a friend who's fit, gorgeous, smart, etc. coaching another friend on his plans to diet.  She doesn't look her age in my opinion.  She's a bit younger than me but is stunning and looks in her 30's I think.  For real.  People say that about me but as I have a 30 yr old daughter I look at her and know it to be incorrect. 

Anyway, it gave me a window into her life.  A window that made me realize that no matter how beautiful she is or fit or smart, her lifestyle will not work for me.  My immediate gut reaction to their discussion was that life wouldn't be worth living any more and they were pretty much focused on talking about things you drink as far as specifics went!  It doesn't take much I'm afraid...

They talked about drinking water most of the time (ick - this is my personal opinion - I'm not a water person unless it's super hot outside). 

No soda, diet or otherwise.  Not an option for me because I LOVE the fizzy stuff!!  My diet mountain dew, the occasional coke that is sooooo delicious!!  And not to mention diet A&W root beer to mix with Rum Chata!  Deliciousness!!!  That's pretty much the sodas I drink so there aren't many but the ones I like I really like, enough to put up with caffeine addictions to have!

Limited alcohol.  This one is not as much of a biggy because wine is OK in moderation.  I tend to drink very moderately anyway so that works for me, but still, no vodka?  No limoncello?  (I make it with everclear and apparently clear alcohol is bad news)  I guess I shouldn't get worked up about that since I have a little vodka sitting in my house and it hasn't been touched for months and haven't had limoncello in the house for a VERY long time since I haven't gotten around to brewing up a batch in many months.  Guess that's not much of a hardship in reality but I loves me some Rum Chata and Disaronno now and again! 

Honestly all they had to discuss was drinking water most of the time and I realized I will never, ever be like her.  And I realized that's ok. I'm still going to exercise more and do portion control.  I will drink less alcohol because weight watchers points on alcohol are ridiculous!  5 pts for a glass of vino!  When you get to eat 29 pts a day that's a chunk and you have to wonder if it's worth it?  It's not most of the time.  Alcohol will be even more of a rare treat than it is now.  Which is fine. 

One problem will be reducing my limeade intake.  I have a crazy love for that delicious juice!!  But it's fattening and I probably drink more calories on that than anything else during the week.  I will stop buying it except for rare occasions I think.  Makes me sad.  But if I can have it now and then I can deal with that.

I will drink more water but it will probably never be my primary drink. 

And earlier I guess I didn't quite hit my main point.  My main point is that for me, controlling my diet to that extent makes life not worth living.  Stupid isn't it? 

But food is a great love of mine.  HUGE!!!  It has been a great love my entire life.  Good food and drink.  They called me bottomless pit as a kid for good reason!  I love food!!  I love to make it, to eat it, to smell it, to look at it.  When I open my favorite bottle of wine I like to just smell it - makes me happy to just smell it!  It's one of the great joys in life for me!  I'll eat it when I'm not even hungry because I love the stuff! 

People think you must be filling some emotional void in your life if you over eat.  I over eat because I love food.  That simple!   Apparently I love it more than the average person. 

Ken understands because he's the same way.  We talk about what we ate like it's almost a competition each day, commenting on how good this or that sounds.  Talking about recipes we want to try.  We watch cooking shows and wish we could try everything.  When he comes for a visit one of the main things discussed is which of our favorite places we'll go out to eat at!  We have a love of food in common.  You could say we're foodies.  We're interested in weird food, common food, strange or compelling combinations, good food, curious about bad food..  I'm considering trying lutefisk just because I'm curious.  I've eaten alligator and raccoon.  I've eaten durian (I don't recommend this).  We are wired this way. It's one of the things I love about my life and I don't want to change it.  But I do need to manage it better. 

In order for me to have a successful, healthy lifestyle, I need to work on the art of moderation and exercise.  If for one minute I start thinking I can't have something, it's all over.  I've learned this about myself over years of dieting.  But if I think I can have some later, when the time is right and be thoughtful about my choices, then it works.  Instead of no, it's no for now. 

I've done it before.  I practiced moderation.  I lost about 50 pounds.  Then I stopped.  I went back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted and in quantities I wanted.  And here I am again. 

Moderation is the new lifestyle option for me.  That's what I really need to work on!