Random thoughts on this boring day...

I don't have the patience to read long emails...especially if they don't have any humorous photos to look at.  I get bunches of emails every day and if they aren't work related, longer than 3 sentences, with no pictures, I tend to delete them.  I lack focus and patience.  I start reading them and my mind wanders over to my stapler and my paperclips and wondering what so and so is doing and I want a nutty bar and my pants feel tight and then I have to start over.  And mostly it's not worth it so I don't bother...I delete. 

I'm the same way with news articles.  If it doesn't grab me quickly, I'm on to the next distraction.  Books...another story.  I have forced myself thru a number of truly awful books because they were books and I kept hoping I'd get to the interesting part.  There have been a few that were too awful and I couldn't care enough to try.  But some of them...well let's just say they help bore me to sleep at night.  It's something! 

I'll insert some pictures to give you something interesting to look at if you choose to wade thru this latest blog installment.  I like pictures!

My back aches today.  Probably from FINISHING MY KITCHEN FLOORING PROJECT LAST NIGHT.  Yes, I finished it.  Except for 2 pieces of trim for doorways. 

I've noticed I have a number of strange compulsions when it comes to my floors.  When I was patching the cracked linoleum I found it hard to cut into the crappy flooring and remove the damaged part.  It created a weird sense of panic in me.  I apparently also find it weirdly difficult to drill into them.  Pierce the ugly linoleum?  Gasp!  I need to get past this hurdle.  I should do it tonight before I put away my miter box & drill. 

This is what it looked like after I cut out the cracked linoleum so I could patch it

Another one is rugs.  I've had such a shitty floor in that kitchen for pretty much the whole time I've lived there that I have had rugs in the kitchen for about 15 years to cover up the bad sections.  Yeah, it took me WAY too long to fix the flooring issues but I'll blame most of that the priority of spending money on raising my kids even tho they haven't lived at home with me for almost a couple years now.  So my newest compulsion is that I want to stand on a rug when I wash dishes.  I prefer it.  I have a beautiful new floor but didn't feel right last night until I put a rug down in front of the kitchen sink.  Now I don't mind standing there to do dishes.  Last night I walked all over on it with bare feet while I worked on finishing the trim, to make myself adjust.  Still ended up putting the rug down before I could feel at ease. 
 

This is what it looks like now...linoleum under patched and new flooring/trim!  And I put a rug over it so I can wash dishes, cause I'm a little bit weird.

Oh, and another thing...the other night, when I was almost done with the flooring I started obsessing about what would happen if the planks unlocked and came loose?  And what if I hadn't put enough gap on the ends and they all start buckling?  And will the oven melt the vinyl planks under it?  What if the oven wasn't level and my cakes all came out even more lopsided than they used to?  I fretted all night.  I told Ken.  Better to warn him about my "quirks" anyway...sooner rather than later.  He says my OCD issues are part of what makes me, me and he loves me.  At least he doesn't lie and tell me I'm totally normal.  That everybody does this crap!

I now know why my dog has OCD tendencies.  He gets it from me.  He's spent his entire life following me around, studying me, so he was bound to develop some issues.  The Dog Whisperer says they pick up on our energy.  My energy is apparently somewhat compulsive and neurotic.  And sometimes annoying based on his barking fest while I was soaking my sore back/muscles in a hot bath this morning.  Such a lovely serenade!  Not. 

Being a girl sucks.  Aunt Flo will be coming for a visit soon and I'm blowing up like a balloon right now.  My jeans are tight...even in the knees!  My bra feels tight.  My belly feels like it could pop. Muffin top!  (Rhymes - had to use spell check on that word...I struggle with that one) Luckily I'm not ravenous or fighting to control the wild beast that seems to be napping inside me at the moment.  It could be worse!  Like all of that could be going on at once...been there, done that...it wasn't pretty.  But I feel like a stuffed sausage.  Not good for self image at all!  Maybe I should think of myself as voluptuous?  I am.  In the busting out of your clothes kind of way.  Not in the hourglass way. 

And once AF finally arrives?  Potty breaks desperately needed every 5-10 minutes while off loading all the retained water.  Being a girls sucks.  Except at least we don't have dicks!  Can you imagine walking around packing the nards and stem in your pants ladies?  Where the hell does that all fit?  Does it chafe?  I should ask Ken that tonight if I remember.  I'll probably forget unless I write a note.  Too busying thinking and typing.

Oh, talking about that (bloating & swelling), I heard a talk on the radio about someone being all offended that some celebrity or something told a fat guy/gal oh....shit I don't remember.  But they said you're fat because you eat too much and are too lazy.  With some swear words.  And a bunch of fat people got offended.  "HOW DARE ANYONE SAY FAT PEOPLE EAT TOO MUCH AND DON'T EXERCISE ENOUGH!!"  Gasp.

I think they are a bunch of fucking idiots.  I'm fat.  At the moment anyway.  Probably for a long time because it's not like I can snap my fingers and get over it!  Anyway, I do this.  I LOVE to eat and I don't have great self-control and I'm rather lazy by nature so I get fat and then I have to fight to slim down.  It's more natural for me to be fat than slim.  And you know why?  Because I eat too much and I'm lazy!  You think this kitchen project is normal for me?  Holy crap NO!  That's why I have aching muscles from getting up and down off the floor.  Because I'm a marshmallow.  At least I own it!  I even have some shame over it but not enough to motivate my lazy butt out the door for regular exercise. 

BUT I don't expect the rest of the world to say it's a good thing/that it's great and I'm awesome because I'm fat because it isn't awesome to be fat.  Being fat doesn't feel good and it's not good for you. 

It's super easy to get that way (for me anyway) and super hard to undo it.  When I'm slim I think how I'll never let myself get fat again and then I get fat again.  Should people judge me because of it?  No.  I'm a great person, I'm smart, funny, spunky and I work hard when I work.  I play hard too when I get the chance.  I think I add value to the world.  Haters can piss off!  But I'm not going around being all offended because someone spoke the truth about me, even if it wasn't all that nice to say it out loud.  I agree!  I think most fat people are fat because they eat too much of the wrong things and they don't exercise enough.  I know there are always exceptions to the rule but I think this is true for most.  And when we diet, we don't want to give up the food we love or exercise more.  Takes effort and sacrifice and it's a long process so it's difficult to hang on to that motivation!  Like right now I want chocolate WAY more than the healthy apple I brought for my snack.  WAYYY more!!

I think people in this country really love to be offended.  And if they're offended they want laws enacted to make sure the offenders are punished, if they can pull it off, because they NEVER want to be offended again.  Sigh.  It makes me fucking tired. 

I'm really bored at work right now.  That's why I'm writing this.  Something to do to pass the time.  This is going to be a long week.  I'm in a lull this week and into early next week.  It will be torture!  If only I had vacation time to take!  Bleah! 

 

Oh, another random thought...I keep hearing how the Boston Marathon bombing has affected us all so much and I'm thinking "really?"  I mean, it's tragic and sickening but is it affecting my life at all really?  Nope.  I still pay my bills, go to work, get up , eat, sit down, drive around, feed the dog, etc.  Aside from being saddened I'm not affected.  Well maybe I was affected a bit the day after when the news media had had time to put a sound track to the tragedy and set up slow-mo pictures to help us understand how tragic it really is.  Because if it doesn't look like a movie we just might not understand that lives were lost and people were hurt and that people were all busy being heroic.  Our news media is so obnoxious.  I don't like that they put people's tragedies to music and spin it like a Lifetime movie of the week full of B/C listers.  Don't you get tired of the media treating us all like we're complete morons?  Pfft!

 

And another thing, since I'm doing an Andy Rooney impression here, don't you just love those "Stars who lost their looks" thingys?  Super obnoxious!  Gosh, even movie stars can't stay 20 years old forever!  Get the f over it!  This country is more obsessed with eternal youth than I am over my new kitchen floor! 

 

And now that I've devolved to Andy Rooney status I think this is a good time to stop.  Just stop.  Before I begin growing hair out of  my ears and my eyebrows begin to sprout faster than I can pluck them. 

 

 

 

When I googled Andy Rooney I got this in the picture group. 

 

She isn't Andy Rooney!  Sweet Dreams are made of these...



 

 

Facebook, the Serenity Prayer and a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

It's very weird that I lead with this since I'm agnostic but frankly, it's just a fantastic way to think about the world that it has affected my life profoundly over the years!  I usually leave the "God" part out since it works that way also but this is it's original form and the way I was introduced to it all those years ago.

The first part about accepting the things I cannot change has been very helpful.  It has helped me to stop and think about various situations I've been in and look at the parts I have power over and the parts that are out of my hands.  It can be an enlightening process!

Facebook has been a place I've had to put this into use many a time.  Facebook reminds me why I preferred the company of dogs to people when I was a kid.  People are a HUGE pain in the ass!!!  (Myself included)  HUGE!!!  Did I say HUGE???  Oh yeah, I did.

When I first started FB I was so excited to reconnect with friends and family I hadn't heard from in years!  All of a sudden I had regular contact with these people and it was wonderful!  And then it started getting annoying.  The endless misspellings, the religious and political comments, the stupid comments, food pictures and running minute by minute updates of some people's days and the many, many TMI moments, OMG!!!  As a whole, people are emotionally exhausting and all I was doing is sitting there reading comments!  

And then the dreaded thing happened...someone kicked me from their friends list.  OUCH!!!  I felt so hurt!  I wondered what I had done to offend them? What was it about me that was so off putting that they felt the need to delete me as a friend??? It felt like back in grade school when I'd be the only one in class who didn't get invited to the birthday party of the girl across the street and then when I got invited later only to find out it was because my Mom shamed her Mom into inviting me.  (Really happened - let's just say it wasn't the funnest b-day party I ever went to!)  I started wondering if I really wanted to bother with this FB thing!

So I pondered and here's what I came up with.  #1 main reason I'm on FB is to connect with my family and close friends.  For that reason I will stay on FB until something better comes along.  #2 it's MY FB and I will post what I want, when I want and will be willing to live with the consequences for doing so aka losing friends.  #3 if anyone who doesn't know me well wants to be friends, great!  That's gravy!  Bonus!  I like it!  If they don't like my humor, commentary, etc and decide to unfriend me, great, because clearly we weren't going to be good friends anyway if they couldn't handle me on FB.  

Here's the thing.  I cannot please everyone.  I'm not even vaguely interested in trying.  So this is where we get back to the serenity prayer thingy...pleasing everyone, especially those who barely know me, is not possible.  It is something I need to let go of.  

And here's the next thing...courage to change the things I can.  I'm going amend that slightly...if I choose to.  Recently I had what I thought was a joking discussion with a classmate.  The next morning I discovered I'd been unfriended by said classmate.  I reread the discussion and thought he was being rather sensitive, but debated making an apology.  I didn't intend to hurt his feelings after all but holy crap I just didn't think anything all that bad was said!  Still don't.  So I pondered.  I thought what if I do message him and apologize for hurting his feelings, then what?  I risk him wanting to be friends again?  On the one hand I'd like to leave it on a positive note because he seems like a good guy.  On the other hand, do I really want to potentially invite him in again when we couldn't even joke around on that fairly lightweight level?  I decided to let his decision stand and not say anything.  He is a sensitive person.  Obviously not thick skinned enough to spar with me tho he seemed determined to do so.  I chose not to change this ending.  He can call this one.  I'll abide by it.   I wish him well but we obviously aren't going to be besties so it's ok to let that go.  

That probably wasn't the best example since I decided NOT to change something I could have.  In each situation there are bits that you can change if you choose to do so.  This brings up another one of my little mottos that I live by "just because you can, doesn't mean you should".  It's good to think things through, think about potential results and what your goals are.  

Because of this serenity prayer I've learned the value of defining what I have power over and what I don't and acting or not acting accordingly.  The core thing I've learned from that process is that the only person you truly have control over (sort of) is yourself.  I say sort of because even your body can betray you sometimes.  Little things called cancer, heart disease, Parkinsons and stuff like that come to mind.  But really you only have control over yourself.  

This leads to the ability to change others tho how they'll change will once again be out of your control.  When you change your behavior they tend to be forced to change theirs.  For example, say you are in an abusive relationship.  Your partner is very controlling.  You don't like it so you begin to take steps by refusing to cooperate with his controlling ways.  In this situation the decision to change yourself is far from without risk!  Odds are good your partner will be willing to go to extreme measures to regain control and his sense of security.  So by changing yourself and your behavior, you have now caused a chain reaction that can go badly or better.  That was an extreme example but having gone thru it myself I'm familiar with the potential fallout from deciding to change even yourself.  There is a price to be paid for everything.  Small or large decisions.  I ended up divorced but better.  I think he is better now too.  It wasn't fun but in the end it worked out for my situation.  

I try not to enter into relationships with the thought of changing anyone anymore.  Even on FB.  I think people have the right to be accepted for who they are, just as they are.  If I can't accept them then we can't be friends.  If they can't accept me, same.  We shouldn't have to BE anything other than what we are, no matter how annoying we are.  That said, if you're really annoying you'd best be willing to pay the price for it aka loneliness.  If you're OK with that then it's all good!  Because you are exactly who you are, you should be aware that not everyone will embrace that.  I've personally felt the sting of rejection many, many times...many.  Many.  (tiny violin playing here)  People don't have to like you and you can't make them like you unless you lie your ass off about who you are and eventually they WILL figure out that you're a fraud.  (out of your hands - re-read prayer above).  It is a dance and only you can decide your dance moves.  The true gains and losses are out of your hands.  

I hope I'm making sense.  This has been formulating in my head for a bit so I figured it was time to jot it down.  

And here is a picture of Bill Murray!

Gratuitous Bill Murray shot!