It's Sunday AM. I've given up on sleep and want to write what I'm thinking. The decision has been made. I will put Bruiser down this coming Friday. After all these years with my pup I'm going to need some days to myself to grieve after the deed is done, so will do it at the start of the weekend. And I'm making sure to have nothing planned this coming weekend.
Lacey and I have discussed it. I discovered that he's been having accidents in the house almost daily this past week. She's been cleaning up after him. That's a sign the weather is getting too cold for him. She's been home when he's had some of these accidents. He doesn't like being cold so you put him out, he cries to come in fairly quickly and then proceeds to go potty in the house, where it's warm. Not ok. I went thru this last spring when the winter didn't want to end. He just stopped going potty outside for a while. It was very frustrating!
Twice yesterday he woke from a sleep and bolted into the file cabinet. He startles sometimes, even when he's sleeping and when Bruiser startles he runs. He did it once earlier in the day. I was on the computer and heard him bolt and crash. Then Lacey was in the room with me later and he did it again. She hadn't known about his waking up startled from dreams or whatever and running into things like that. He doesn't even cry about that. He just shakes it off and goes back to bed.
Yesterday my Dad and niece were over to visit briefly and he seemed interested. He walked thru the kitchen a couple times and I think he even stopped by Amanda to say hi. It was good to see him showing some interest in things! Made me a little sad too. The days with him aren't as bad. You get the illusion, aside from the accidents and the occasional startled crashing into things, that he's not doing so bad. He is well fed, but not overweight, and looks good for an old man. His coat is shiny. His spine sticks out but that's from loss of muscle mass because he sleeps all the time now. He seems a bit swayback behind his shoulders but it doesn't seem to bother him. So to look at him you'd think I was being cruel to consider what I'm planning. He looks like a healthy animal. But his mind isn't so good now and that's the problem.
This dementia started years ago. I recognized some strange things with his behavior and googled it looking for a solution. He had his days and nights somewhat turned around for a long time, but it wasn't constant then like it is now. Plus his strange little obsessions and stressors. He'd fret and cry over walking by a tree in our yard. He was scared of the stairs. That's when I discovered how many symptoms he had of Canine Cognitive Disfunction or essentially doggy dementia. This is where he's at now. Back then he only had a few. The list has grown. And add that his right front leg sometimes decides not to support him. Appears to be a separate issue...
- Becomes lost in familiar places around the home or backyard YES (luckily this doesn't happen often but I've seen him become confused in places that should be rote by this stage, like almost walking off the top of the stairs)
- Becomes trapped behind familiar furniture or in room corners NO (haven't seen this happen)
- Has trouble finding and using doors and negotiating stairways YES
- Does not respond to her name or familiar commands YES (deafness)
- Is withdrawn and unwilling to play, go for walks, or even go outside YES (he doesn't play)
- Does not recognize or is startled by family members, toys, etc. YES (he startles often but I think he knows us...I think)
- Frequently trembles or shakes, either while standing or lying down YES
- Paces or wanders aimlessly throughout the house YES
- Has difficulty learning new tasks, commands, or routes YES
- Frequently soils in the house, regardless of the frequency she is brought outside YES
- Sleeps more during the day, less during the night YES
- Stares at walls or into space and is startled by interior lighting, the television, etc. YES
- Seeks less and less of your attention, praise, and play YES
- Is hesitant to take treats, drink fresh water, or eat fresh food NO (he does like to eat!)
It helped to understand what was going on. I was more patient with him because of it.
At this point it has escalated so that he cries off and on EVERY night. He sleeps pretty peacefully all day but at night, he cries and sleeps and cries and sleeps. I've finally come to accept that there is nothing I can do to ease this. I've tried putting him to bed with me. He cries and fusses and then tries to jump out of the bed (which would hurt him). I cover him up. He gets out of the covers. Don't know if that's because he's restless or too hot. I tried feeding him more. I turned the heat up. I let him in and out during the wee hours. I pet him to co comfort him. I try not to disturb him. I got him a nightlight because he might be afraid of the dark. Seemed to work for a couple nights but then no apparent effect.
Now I just get thru the night and try to keep him as comfortable as possible. It was hard to face another week of this. I'm fairly exhausted! Last Friday I felt like a zombie. Work nights are the worst because I need to be at work early to cover phones but on weekends I can sleep in a bit to help take the edge off. Fridays are my bad days. Cumulative sleep deprivation piles up on me on Fridays.
But I see an end in sight so I will be as patient as I can and get thru this week. It's like having a baby in the house. Only this baby won't ever learn to sleep thru the night again. I needed the timing to be right. This is as right as I can make it.
It still hits me sideways sometimes. I know that next weekend will be rough. But I also feel like I'm making the right decision. He is a little old man. He won't get younger. The problems we have now will only escalate as it grows colder outside and he gets older. His dementia has devolved to a point where it's taking a toll on me and my ability to function during the day. He has become increasingly isolated because of the dementia, the deafness and now his vision is beginning to fail. He has age related eye degeneration. He lives in a world where he shuffles thru from meal to meal, he sniffs things, he sees people around him that he may or may not recognize, but doesn't think to seek us out and we startle him when we touch him to pet him. At least we understand and hold him long enough so that he remembers that he likes being petted. He does like being petted when you can remind him.
He has had a great life! He was been well loved by many. He has been an entertaining little character that broke the mold for me. I had dogs my whole life but never one like him. There will never be another like him. I may never have another dog after him. Seems kind of pointless when you've had the best!
Tonight will be the family Sunday dinner over at Lee's house. I'm looking forward to enjoying a meal with my kids! But I will also poop on the celebration by telling them what's going to happen on Friday. I was debating about saying anything until after the deed was done but Lacey said it would hurt their feelings because he's their dog too and she's right. (She'd say "of course I am!") I will let them decide if they want to join me to send him off. I will call the vet to set it up this week and ask if I can pre-pay for the service since I don't want to stand there paying the bill after when I'll be a mess. I want to go in and get out and go back home to curl up in a ball. I don't want people staring at me.
We went thru this with Snickers when I had to put him down. I had kids crying and hanging on me while I paid the bill. I was crying too. And the folks waiting to go next were all staring at us. I just don't want to do that again, tho I don't think my kids will hang on me crying this time (there's a bit of humor if you visualize that!)
Since I'm familiar with how this goes, tho luckily it's been years, I've warned Lacey how she will feel haunted. I will feel haunted. Like with Snickers, I kept expecting him to rub up against my leg. And he wasn't there. How this will play out with Bruiser I don't know but it will take us a while. Lacey was trying to imagine this house without him since he's been here almost since the beginning. It'll be strange!
Sometime after I tell my kids I'll post this so those others who know him will know.
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