2012 wrap up

That about sums up 2012 for me!  At the start of this year my plan was to use this blog as a way to shaming myself into losing weight.  Didn't work.

I had several plans that went bust completely or partially this past year. 

The failed weight loss plan is only the first item on my list of complaints.  And I can only complain to myself.  I'd smack myself with a wet noodle but would probably eat it.  I'm just coming off of holiday eating.  Yesterday, after a 4 day weekend, I tried to go back to normal eating patterns and my body kept making me feel faint because I hadn't eaten on an hourly basis.  And I gave into it because it was uncomfortable.  This is a problem!  Today I will do better!  (I hope)

Then there was my 30 year class reunion.  I'd been waiting for this for 30 freaking years!  And what happens to me?  I put my back out.  I went to the reunion and it was great seeing people but I was in pain the whole time.  I can see it in some of the pictures, where I didn't know they were shooting.  I have this constipated look and am sitting all cockamamie.  I ended up in the ER at the crack of dawn the following AM thanks to Ken hauling my crippled ass upright and helping me toddle oh so slowly to the car.  So instead of having a blast with my classmates, I spent that day drugged up on pain pills and anti-spasm meds in the hotel room bed.  Ken was so sweet...he stayed with me and cuddled and brought me food tho the meds made me feel nauseous.  But I am seriously pissed that my back had to pull that crap during my reunion and hosed my chance of spending some more fun time with my classmates!    Better luck at the 40th I guess.  I hope!

I had a dream of selling my house.  Well.  I got the ball rolling by asking the Park Office to give me a compliance list so I would know what I had to do to get my house ready to go to market.  When you live in a trailer court, it can be tricky to sell your house, sitting on their lot, if they are not going to approve it to stay there.  Well.  I got a mini-novel of things they wanted fixed.  Resentment flared because there are lots of places in worse shape than mine in that court.  Then I realized, they'll probably have a worse to-do list than me if they decide to sell.  They have my sympathies.  The list was full of fun stuff like painting, adding railings where I didn't need them when I bought the place, same thing with back stairs...didn't need them when I bought the place but now I do.  Down to window & screen replacements, and replacing all the screws on the skirting.  LOTS of work to be done.  My heart sank into my stomach and sat there like a rock.  And then I dusted off and got to work.  AFTER my back had recovered from my class reunion which took a good month of chiropractic treatment (joy).  So I worked and worked and spent and spent.  And the house looks pretty good but I ran out of good weather and money and didn't get it into compliance and therefore on the market.  I'm hoping I can pull it off by next summer.  If not, I'll try to get everything done by the end of summer and try to sell it during the winter.  I don't care.  I just want the bloody thing sold!  Time to move on to the next chapter of my life.  The raising kids chapter is done.  Now I want to be a free spirited grandma who travels and has lots of fun and doesn't have to do yard work or repair toilets!   Been there, done that, sick of it.

I can't say I have any sadness over bidding 2012 adieu.  It did have its high points but I'm hoping to have more success with my various goals in the coming year.  I'm going to give up on the shaming thing.  Here is my list of goals for the coming year - it's short but should be challenging!

>  Lose weight!
>  Get more fit - amp up my physical activity levels and stop being such a marshmallow!
>  Get my house into compliance and get it on the market!
>  On the personal growth side...try to be more positive in my approach to life.  Acknowledge that I alone am responsible for my mental health and if I'm moping around, blaming others for my unhappiness I need to check myself and make some adjustments to my thinking or decide if I'm willing to make some changes to my life to solve the issues. 

Not a bad list!  And no shame involved!  I do have to fight my basic nature for some of them.  I'm not a naturally balanced person.  I tend to lean towards pleasure seeking and laziness.  But I don't like my weight, I don't like that I'm a marshmallow and I don't like that I sometimes wallow in self pity and bitterness more than I should.  (I have to admit I enjoy that sometimes...ok a lot.)  Some of that stuff is ok but I need to find more balance.  I will NEVER be a super-cheerful/positive/driven/skinny exercise buff but sliding a bit more in that direction wouldn't hurt me any. 

Final random thoughts

Since the world is ending tomorrow I have a few things I’d like to say. 

Ø  To my family – I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!  You are freaking nuts! 

o   My parents – so glad neither of you ever really turned into “grown-ups”!  I’ve inherited that and it has made my life so much more fun than if I was actually a “grown-up”.  You have some great genetic material – thank you for sharing!  And for being my playmates in life as well as my parents.   And thanks for being good looking, smart and talented.  I got some good kids out of that genetic mix!  My family looks great in family pictures!  Love you!!!

o   My siblings – I will miss our conversations and how the volume goes up and up as we all talk over each other since we all have issues with waiting for someone to take a breath and have large lung capacities.  And we all know everything and no one can tell us different!  If only the world could sit in on our discussions – all problems would be solved.  Stupid world doesn’t know what it’s missing out on!  Love you!!!

o   My kids – you guys are my built in favorite people to hang out with!  Funny how that turned out since I was ready to run away from home/praying to be taken to jail/wishing you’d call child protection on me so they’d take you/me away/dreaming of being drugged up in a psych ward so nothing would matter so often when I was raising you.  You were too much like me and my sibs – my Mom got her revenge.  I raised a pack of “I hope you have kids just like you someday”s!  Love you!!!

o   Ken – ok – I really needed another serious dose of my Ken in January.  DAMMIT!!!  I’m bitter about this one.  If the idiots are wrong and the world doesn’t end tomorrow, it’s on baby!!!  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Why yes, I think you are!  I’ve had more damned fun doing everything with you!  Love you!!!

Ø  To my classmates – I’m thankful for facebook so I could learn what a pain in the ass I was as a kid and that you guys aren’t nearly as bad as I thought you were!  In fact, you’re pretty great!  Who’da thunk?  I’ve been happily educated!  You guys rock!  Hopefully we’ll party together in the next phase of existence!

Ø  To my pals  – So glad I met your sarcastic, cranky, goofball asses!  You can’t be a delicate flower and be a close friend with me.  You gotta be able to tolerate some crude/foul language/discussions because when I’m with those I know well, I really relax and that can make some run for the hills!  I’m grateful for you guys and that you can hand it back!  I don’t hang with pussies!  So guys, you aren’t pussies in my book – you rock!  And I love you!  And after today you won’t have to listen to any more of my shit, like when I whine or am mean or unfair or bitchy.  I know, you’ll miss it.  J 

Ø  State of Minnesota – kiss my lily white ass!   (aside - I’ve stopped tanning for the winter so it’s white)   You fuckers tax too much of my income and if the world had lasted long enough I’d have finally gotten my house sold and moved someplace that isn’t all full of tax and spend fiends!  Piss off! 

o   On a side note, you have a gorgeous state in the spring, summer and fall.  Winter, pfft.  But you tax too much and live outside your means.  And I’m sick of being afraid to admit to being a fiscal conservative for fear of getting my car keyed. 

Ø  Governor Dayton – stop looking like a beaten puppy dog!!  I tell you, every time I see your face I want to run up and shake you and slap you and tell you to knock it off!  Plus, don’t speak.  You sound like Elmo with a cold.  Not good. 

Ø  Going to keep it local because thinking about the federal level makes me want to end things a bit early.  Seriously.  I’ve made a point of avoiding that as much as possible over the years in an effort to maintain my sanity and not have to start taking anti-depressants.  Avoidance is my medicine and it has worked.  Gotta get back to it because I’m getting that sick feeling again just from writing this!  If the world wasn’t ending tomorrow I’d have to say I think the US is pretty fucked right now. 

Ø  To my boss – I’ve been making an effort.  Yesterday was a good day with us!  We LOL’d together in emails.  Rare but hey, it happened and I’m glad!  Sadly it happened because I was an idiot but that’s beside the point.  I still wish I would have lived long enough to quit working for you.  So I could have done a private happy dance on my last day.  Either that or managed to actually decide to like working for you instead of wanting to storm out of here at random moments.  I think I’m getting there some days and then it hits again.  But tomorrow it’s all over so no more worries!  We’re ending on a good note!  Unless we manage to screw it up today.  I’m going to avoid contact as much as possible to be on the safe side.

All I can think of right now.  I’m ready.  I think I’ll go home and engage in some of the 7 deadly sins just for the fun of it tonight!  Going out with a bang!   A small bang but a bang nonetheless!  ROCK ON!!!  Or not.  J

Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting

My heart is broken for the families who've suffered losses because of the recent mass shootings at the Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I cried because I imagined how I'd feel if I'd heard that one of my granddaughters had been shot and killed at school one day.  A lot of people are in an enormous amount of pain right now.  My heart goes out to them! 

Since this has happened I've seen a lot of people politicizing it as far as for/against gun control.  They want to make sure this never happens again.  I have some sad news for people.  It doesn't matter if you banned all guns or if you have everyone armed to the teeth.  You can't stop the random mad man from doing what Adam Lanza did, or countless others have done, when they decide to spread their suffering before they kill themselves.  This is the truth.  Like it or not, it is the truth.

People want to believe that they can control the world.  They want to make sense out of chaos and make it go away.  The fact is that the world is full of chaos and no matter how many laws you enact or how many protective bubbles you try to create or how hard you pray, you won't be safe.

Safety is an illusion.  The idea if you eat well and exercise you'll live to a ripe old age.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  If you drive safely, you won't die in a flaming car crash.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  That the child your bore won't someday turn on you and kill you.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  That the parent who bore you won't suddenly turn on you and kill you.  Nope.  No guarantee of that.  I could go on and on. 

If you somehow manage to ban guns and get all of them removed from the public sector, what's next?  Can you ban someone from making bombs?  (Oklahoma bomber ring any bells?)  Or possibly using bows and arrows?  Or a knife and slashing some throats?  Or just bare hands and strangling or bludgeoning someone to death?  Happens all the time folks.  You can't legislate it away.  I'm sorry.  You can't.  And if you arm everyone can you stop this?  Well maybe you can stop it sooner than happened in this situation but there is no guarantee of that either.

If you call the police because someone you know is buying guns and making comments will that stop them?  Hard to say.  No guarantees here either.  If the guns are all legal and the person isn't deemed as unfit to have them, the police can do nothing because they haven't broken any laws.  Maybe that bit of attention would make a difference but maybe not. 

There is evil in the world and it won't be legislated.  It won't obey laws.  You can try but you may not be able to protect your loved ones against it.  Or even yourself.  You can try to hedge your bets by doing the things I mentioned above...eating well, driving carefully, etc.  It's something!  But it's not a guarantee.  There are none. 

One thing I try to do, is remember that my loved ones could be taken from me at any time.  Or that I could be taken from them at any time.  I live my life accordingly.  I make sure they all know how much I love them.  If I was to die today I can honestly say I'd have no unfinished business except I'd wish I could have stayed longer.  I'd have no regrets.  I think about how people will feel if we were suddenly over and unable to resolve any issues.  I live with this awareness of potential chaos every day.  I understand wanting to make it go away but you can't.  Just like death.  There is no more chance of escape from chaos than there is from death.  It will happen.  Ask a cancer patient.  Ask a hurricane survivor.  Ask Senator Gabby.  It's bigger than us.  And the ones who survive?  It's temporary.  We're all doing to die.  It's inescapable.  And if he wants to, one madman can change the world.  Can break your heart.

I think it's kind of dangerous to think that we can stop this kind of thing from happening.  Dangerous because if we really believe we're safe, we can continue to act like idiots and not take care of our personal relationships like we should.  Because we think we have time that we may not have.  

The only solace I can take from what happened to those children and the adults who died in this shooting is that they were loved.  And I hope that they all knew how much and that the families only regrets are that they won't get to give them more love in the coming years.  In the end, I think that's the most important lesson to this.  Don't leave unfinished business.  If you love someone, don't play games with them.  Don't withhold it from them because things aren't going your way.  Grow up!  Stop acting like an idiot!  Deal with the issues but always make sure they know how very much they are loved!!  Always.

some days the excitement is more than I can bear

I just had a conversation with a co-worker about the fact that he discovered an "O" in a project # that he now needed to filter out of his search groups.  He came up to my office to tell me that.  My soul is dying.

Today has been a testy day for me.  Started at 12:30 AM when I heard my dog Bruiser crying as he circled round and round and I realized he was setting up to take a dump on the floor!  I leapt out of bed and threw him outside.  At least I caught him before he stenched up my house. 

Then this AM when it was time for him to go out he almost made it to the door.  I'm clapping and urging him to me and he's giving me a look and I realize he's going to make a run for it.  He did.  It was VERY cold and snowing out and his delicate highness doesn't care for cold or snow so he tried to escape.  I can't say I blame him!  But I wrangled him down, onto his leash and pushed him out the door. 

We had a snow storm the day before so I bundled up and headed out to dig my car out.  More good news!  It hadn't snowed much since the night before so all I had to do was shovel a path out to the street and was on the road in about 10 mins!  Got to the bus stop and found there was a line waiting that reminded me of lines for rides at our local amusement park, Valley Fair.  I decided I'd take a pass on waiting for a couple of buses and got back in my car to brave the crappy roads.  Roads were slow enough so there was no risk of a spin out, but they were steady.  I was shocked, after all this, that I was a whopping 15 minutes late for work!  Not bad! 

I was the first one to arrive at the office and as some of my co-workers called in to announce they'd be late, they marveled at the fact that I'd made it in so early.  What can I say?  I'm a professional northerner who doesn't forget how to drive when it snows!  We're a rare breed.  As I received calls I discovered what a crab I can be when they'd ask how I got in so early I was tempted to say "I tried and then succeeded".

So I've been plugging away at work, avoiding people since my snarky side is in full bloom today and I'm not to be trusted.  In fact, I'm going to strongly edit myself about the many not so kind thoughts that flew through my head over this and that today.  Even I'm ashamed of some of them and others can hurt feelings and lord knows I've had to pull enough posts off this blog because I've hurt feelings and/or offended people I care about!  Some things are better left unsaid and only roaming inside my own head.  It's possible it's early onset PMS but also possible it's just because sometimes I'm a bitch.

I want to be honest when I write but sometimes the cost is too high.   I don't mind making myself look like an ass.  I am one sometimes and it's good that I don't let myself lose sight of that, but while I tend to be brutal with myself I'm equally brutal with others and it doesn't always come off well if I write it and post it here.  I prefer not to fight with anyone or damage my relationships so I'm learning to edit in spite of the fact that I think it's a good exercise to expose oneself, so to speak. 

It would be really easy to make posts that show me as always being kind, talented, smart or generous.  To only post pictures of myself that are flattering.  Problem is, I feel like a fraud if I only show the parts of me that I like and hide the rest.  Even when it hurts!  Like admitting I'm fat.  Or being a bitch or an ass.  When I'm having a tantrum and realize I was out of line.  Or that I have odd little whiskers on my chin that I have to trim daily (oh the joys of getting old!). 

We all have embarrassing parts and my way of connecting is to show you mine!  If you want to respond in kind, fine but if not, at least you maybe got a chuckle over something that clicked and you know what I'm talking about, even if you don't want to say it about yourself. 

I started this planning to write about my snarky day and realized I can't say too much without potentially offending people but I'll make a few comments because I think I can get away with them.

I watched a guy take an amazing amount of time to spread some chicken or tuna salad on a couple of buns.  I think he did it a 1/2 tsp at a time.  With profuse spreading in between each 1/2 tsp!  I think if he was around me a lot I'd have to kill him just because of that. 

I was reminded that my adult co-workers can't put away clean dishes in the dishwasher.  Usually our receptionist does that but she was snowed in and late and so they just piled their dirty dishes in the sink rather than put away the clean ones (took maybe 2 mins) and put their dirty dishes away. 

If someone wants me to change a field in a program they should tell me the correct field to change.  I honestly don't know anyone who can really read minds!  I felt like my boss and I were speaking different languages today.  I finally sent her a picture of what was happening because describing it didn't seem to be working.  Then she sent me a picture back and at that point I was ready to go back home because that was when I realized she'd been telling me to change the wrong thing!  What she was telling me to do at that point made no sense.  I emailed her back in frustration asking her what the heck she was talking about because it made no sense!  Then I went back to the picture she sent and studied it and decided to try it even tho it wasn't changing the Revenue Method (term she used) but was instead changing the Revenue Type (shown in her picture).  It worked.  So I had to admit that I figured it out right after I'd sent the message of massive frustration and confusion.  I wasn't going to bother pointing out her terminology issues.  That would just turn it into a pissing match again and I'm tired of having those with her.

And to close, I really wish people wouldn't walk up to my office to tell me the sent me an email.  Do they not get how email works? 

"Nuff said!  Happy Monday!

Maybe not "nuff said.  Just got home from a slow commute to find that my parking space has not been plowed.  The plows were busy little bees yesterday piling snow around my car for me to shovel but when my car is gone it's just not as fun to plow in front of my house!  Well I backed my car back into my snowbank.  Repeatedly.  I'll make my own god-damned parking spot!  I'm in a mood.  Now I'm parked slanty-wise on my sidewalk and I don't give a rat's ass.  I'm tempted to just pull into my yard and create my own driveway!

I felt like crying when I drove up and saw that and drove around the block and saw no better options.  It's frustrating.  I wish I had my own snow plow.

Cursed Christmas

Oh no!  That dreaded time of year has reared its ugly head again! 

I wish I could say that this time of year fills me with happiness and a feeling of goodwill towards my fellow man.  Instead it makes me want to clutch my pocketbook to my breast and hang on for dear life!  It also makes me groan  when I think of the extra work that needs to be done to decorate, shop and bake in preparation for the big event.  And then there is the event.  Organized chaos!  Luckily my sister manages that for the most part since she hosts every year.  She’s allergic to my dog and has a much larger house than I do so it’s just the way it’s been for years.  YAY Stacey!!  Thank you for saving me from some of the chaos!!

The one good thing about it is I get a day off with holiday pay.  Meh.  It’s something. 

This year I have been making my credit cards weep in agony as I try to get my house into compliance for sale.  (Joy of living in a mobile home - another pack of folks who get to boss you around aka the Park Office) I REALLY want to get it sold and get on with my life!  I feel like it’s a weight around my neck right now and it’s strangling me a bit.  (When I let myself feel all dramatic about it, which I do sometimes.)  So here comes Christmas.  The season of gift giving.  yay.  I really get what Scrooge felt about it!  The last time I felt the “magic” of Christmas I was a little kid and my Mom was the one groaning through all the work to make it magical for me.  Thanks Mom!  That was the best time of my life and I was too stupid to know it!  Then I grew up and it became my job and the party was over.  Dammit!  I keep telling my grandkids not to be in such a hurry to grow up.  It isn’t that great!  Think they’ll listen?  Of course not.  They never do.

So now I’m trying to figure out how to afford gifts for my loved ones while avoiding making my checkbook/credit cards begin to rend their garments in agony.  It doesn’t help that I don’t have a clue what to get for anyone this year and that giving everyone money would be tacky as well as looking bad to have nothing but envelopes under the tree.  Tempting though because boy oh boy, would it simplify my life to do it that way!  I need to PONDER what they might like that’s cheap.  I don’t have time to ponder!  I tend to fill that time reading books (bad habit I know).  I should probably make myself leave the books alone and just sit and ponder a while.  I wonder if that would help?  Knowing me, I’d zone out and not accomplish anything.  Or I’d wander off because I thought of something I had to do. 

So I’m stuck with the gift giving festival conundrum.  Bah Humbug!

And then there’s the decorating.  Last year I gave away my crappy fake tree and didn’t decorate at all.  Penelope was too little to care and Brooke & Ariana were in WA with their Dad so they didn’t care either.  I didn’t care – it was great!  Now, since I Penelope is old enough to notice and the girls are here this year, I feel like I should decorate but I’ve given myself an out.  Lee (daughter I donated crappy fake tree to) may or may not use my tree.  Her boyfriend wants a real one.  If they get a real one, I’ll take my crappy fake tree back and decorate it and be a good grandma with a festive house for the kids to visit.  If they decide to save some $’s and use the tree, gosh, grandma is off the hook!  Weirdly tho, I’ll feel a bit bad if I’m off the hook.  My grandparents always had things looking festive for us when we visited.  I feel like I’m dropping the ball on this one.  But I’m also too poor (see above) to purchase another crappy fake tree so that’s that.

So my house may or may not be decorated.  And either has drawbacks.  Bah Humbug!

And finally there is the baking.  Now normally I LOVE baking!  I really do!  But this is baking that becomes almost like work because there is so much of it.  And it has to be done by a certain time so it can be shipped in time to get to loved ones before the holidays.  Pressure.  GAH!  Plus ingredients aren’t free (see above). 

There is another piece to this issue for me.  I’m trying to lose weight.  My natural state seems to be fat and if I don’t diet constantly I revert to fat.  Sadly I’ve reverted to fat again so must fend it off.  So I’m back to dieting AND I’m supposed to bake a billion cookies.  All those good smells and flavors surrounding me for days and days!  And I’m supposed to diet.  Yeah right.

Diets kill joy. 

I wish I liked being slim more than I like eating yummy food!  Alas, that is not the case.  Would solve some problems if it was. 

Why can’t anything that tastes so good be good for you?  Why am I stuck munching on freaking celery as a snack???  Why the hell can’t the cookies I bake be a healthy option?  Because it’s a sin.  Yes, cookies are sin incarnate.  Anything that makes you happy and feels good is sinful and bad for you.  Christmas cookies are sin incarnate – leading you into temptation and indulging in one of the 7 deadly sins, GLUTTONY!!!  Think about it folks!  Life isn’t fair.  If life was fair, ice cream would be diet food. 

I don’t know if I’m going to resist GLUTTONY well.  I rather like sinning sometimes!  Most of the time in all honesty.  I'm a bad seed.  I may have to give in to my dark side if I’m going to enjoy this holiday season at all…JS

The fat/diet/cookie/sin thing makes me bitter.  Bah Humbug!

Gratitude List

I think it was my daughter who recommended a blog that talked about being thankful.  I don't remember exactly what it said but I think it suggested writing about what you're thankful for each day.  I thought it would be an interesting exercise.  I'm now on day 5 and it is doing more good for me than I expected!

Day one, I wrote about the joy I feel, just because I am lucky enough to get to walk this magnificent planet.  Then I jotted down a list of 21 topics I could write about in the coming days.  I decided to commit to this and I would make my posts each day on facebook.  So they had to be fairly short and to the point.  I hoped I wouldn't annoy anyone! 

Next I wrote about being grateful to have been born an American.  Especially since I'm female and not every country is as progressive as the USA when it comes to women and their rights!

Those were pretty easy topics.  I was pondering my list the next day.  I was grumpy.  My dog Bruiser had given me a bit of a circus the night before and had been harassing me all day long.  Following me around, barking at me for attention.  He was one of the items on my list and I decided that this would be a good moment to think about why I was grateful to have Bruiser in my life.  It helped me focus on the positives he has brought to me!  I was able to be more forgiving of his annoying behaviors after.  I also gave myself the reminder that he is getting senile, he is deaf and I'm his only social outlet most of the time. I have remembered to be patient and to think more of him than myself when he seems to be getting in the way.  I'm also trying to figure out how to stop him from barking whenever I get on the phone!  That behavior is driving me nuts!

Last night I decided to write about my love of books since I'd been fretting about my lack of them lately and then when I bought one, it turned out to be rather lame.  I'm still wading thru it because, hey, it's a book!  There are some point of view issues and it's a rather stuffy period piece but I'm determined to get thru it.

Today I was trying to think of what to write and realized tonight it would be about my Dad.  My daughter pointed out that maybe I should share what I wrote with him.  I think she's right.  I think I'll copy what I wrote and then flesh it out a bit.  We all love to hear good things that our loved ones think of us!

One of the unexpected side effects to this is that now my head is busy considering what I'll write about the other items on my gratitude list.  It's creating a lot of positive energy in me that hasn't been there for a while!  I've been struggling with some changes at work, struggling with my own sense of worth.  Stressing about getting my house to market.  Stressing about what will happen after it's sold!  I've been in a fairly negative place for a while now.  This exercise has turned out to be just what the imaginary doctor ordered as far as turning my attitude around!  I'm now focused on thinking about people I love and things that I value and how I'm going to share them with my friends and family.

You'll be seeing something from me on my facebook each day.  Something I'm grateful for.  All the way to Thanksgiving! I think this is good for me!

Hurt

Oh man!  I can't believe I woke up writing this in my head this AM!  Three things came together from last night and stewed I guess.  I was You Tubing last night.  I decided to listen to one of my favorite songs/videos.  Hurt by Johnny Cash.  It makes me feel like crying every time I see it.  I was curious so I looked up the Nine Inch Nails version.  Not as good in my opinion but coming from a different place.  I get that.  NIN was about drugs and a bad place he was for a time.  Johnny Cash made it about his entire life.  He was examining his life and coming up short.  So both are painful and personal but one is bigger than the other.  The writer (forgot his name and too lazy to google right now, I'm on a roll) said he was moved that Cash chose to do his song and that he also felt Cash took it to a new level.  He didn't feel the song was his any longer. 

Then I caboodled around in You Tube a bit longer.  Decided to see if there was anything by any Orviks in there (my last name) and found the book my Uncle Chuck wrote called "The Brothers' Keepers".  It's about his and my father's and their brother's childhood.  It's fictionalized because he was a kid and can't remember everything exactly, plus the publisher told him that no one would believe it was true.  He adjusted the stories to make them less factual but they are familiar and I've grown up hearing about them.  I hadn't known about the level of neglect they experienced.  It was an eye opener!  The other eye opener was how similar my siblings and I were to my Uncle and his brothers.  We were both feral packs, tho his was more feral for more reasons.  We didn't trust authority because it had rarely done anything for us to earn our trust.  We counted on each other.  On a level that is unusual.  I have a profound love for my siblings.  Every one of them.  They are my best, most trusted friends in the world.  Even when we fight, they still are my very closest people.  Even when we go long spans of being busy and not connecting by phone or email or whatnot, we are connected.  We all feel that way about each other too.  My world is ok as long as they are in the world with me.  They are people I need.  They know me like my parents never will and my kids never will.  They lived my life with me.  We all went thru it together.  We were the only ones we could truly trust back then.  The others failed us regularly.  When abuse happens and no one saves you, even when you TELL them the abuse is happening, they tell you that you are imagining it, well, you learn a few things about the world.  So we helped each other as much as we could.

Weirdly, I've raised another pack.  My kids had to survive the life I gave them and I failed to protect them like I should have sometimes.  It wasn't all bad either but there were some hard parts.  They depend on each other and I see similar dynamics with the three of them.  On the one hand I'm sorry they needed to become a pack because it indicates trauma, but on the other hand I absolutely love how much they love each other.  Yin and Yang again.  Keeps repeating.  In my case and my children's case, I think the sense of connected gained was worth the trauma incurred to create the connection.

Anyway, I'm veering off the path I was following when I woke up this AM.  I was thinking about where I've come from.  Like Cash did in his rendition of Hurt.  My life.  My regrets.  And while I love that song because it reminds me that you don't go thru life without regret, I know I wouldn't have changed any of it.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  There are good things that came out of all the bad things.  The somewhat tough childhood.  I say somewhat because it was pretty good in some ways also.  I'd really hate for people to think my childhood was terrible.  It wasn't.  It had some pretty hard ass stuff in it but also love and fun.  The tough parts showed me my strength and taught me to think for myself and trust my instincts.  They taught me that I have to take care of myself and not trust others to do it.  Those times showed me I was stronger and more resilient than I thought.

It also gave me my sister and brothers in a way that is precious to me.  I have a man now, that I love in such a different way than I've loved before.  I've lived some years now and appreciate our connection for how very unique and special it is.  In a way he's healed me.  He is a retired cop.  I told him my story...some of the things I'd experienced and if he had been the cop back then and if he'd been someone I'd turned to for help, I may be more trusting of authority at this stage of my life.  I know his history also and he has become my hero.  He probably would have mixed feelings about me calling him my hero since he doesn't feel heroic about himself - he knows his own dark side - but to me he is, despite and maybe because of that dark side in a way.  I know the good, the bad and the ugly about him.  He is my soul mate.  He's weirdly like me despite our differing backgrounds. I feel safe with him.  I feel loved and protected.  There is nothing about me that I would feel I had to hide from him.  I'm accepted.  Good, bad, ugly and I have plenty going on in all three departments.  But even with all that, he is relatively new to my circle of trust.  There are 3 other people who know me on a whole other level because of shared experience, trust and love.  They've been the ones who had my back throughout my life. 

Sometimes you must pay a price for the life you live.  There is no guarantee that life is easy.  That if it isn't, you're doing something wrong.  Life IS a challenge!  It's complex and it isn't easy and out of that you gain some wonderful lessons if you are wise enough to pay attention.

So back to the Hurt song and my Uncle's story to close this up...I have regrets, but I wouldn't change a thing.  I'll live with those regrets.  I'll feel remorse for the people I've hurt along the way.  But those needle stings are part of my life.  I'll own my life.  All of it.  It brought me here to this moment with all the feelings and lessons learned along the way.  I'm part of a circle.  Even tho my story is unique I've become a parent and understood what that meant to my parents.  I've become a grandparent and understand what that meant to my grandparents.  I will become elderly and understand how that feels.  I will die and if I have time to think about it first, I'll understand how that feels.  And I'll find out if there is something beyond this life or not.  If not, I'll never know the difference.  I suspect there is because I believe I've been "visited" by loved ones who have passed.  But I don't know.  I'll deal with what I do know for as long as I'm here.  Living my life and hopefully having enough wisdom to savor it as much as possible!

The relationships I've made with people, how REAL they are with those chosen few, have been profound for me.  THAT is what my life is really all about.  It's not about having things or a career, it's about those relationships.

I'm on a journey until I die.  I will be alone in the way that we all are alone.  We can share our lives with others but in the end, only we will experience our personal journey through our own eyes.  Our perceptions will be our own.  I'm unique.  It's weird to be unique in the same way everyone else is but we are all unique because no one can see what we've seen, conceptualize it the same way, experience it the same way.  I think back on my life and think WOW!  And then I'm excited to see what comes next! 

I like a lot of this but it meanders :)  What can I say?  I woke up writing it in my head!

I'm fat with an ugly, dying wart on my knee and housing updates

I went to the doctor yesterday.  I skipped that last year for the lamest of reasons.  Shame.  I didn't want to step on the scale and see my official weight.  This year, I didn't want to step on that scale either but figured I couldn't let my health go completely to hell because I'm fat and haven't done enough to counteract it. 

It was anti-climactic in the end.  I wasn't as fat as I thought but wasn't close to slim enough to be proud of anything either.  Duh.  My doctor didn't even scold me about it. 

I got shots in both arms so now my shoulders are sore.  In fact, they are the reason I gave up on sleeping this AM and got up before my alarm.  I like to sleep on my side and it didn't matter which I tried, it was uncomfortable.  On the good side, I got to work really early so therefore I will leave really early.  Makes me happy :)

This morning I got an eyeful of the wart on the side of my knee that got treated yesterday.  HOLY CRAP!!  Having it as a nice quiet wart looked a ton better than it does now that it's a big red angry dying wart!  So glad it's not shorts season right now!  The doc warned me about pus that could ooze from it in the coming days.  This could be perfect timing for Halloween!  Maybe I'll just come to work with my wart showing and gross everyone out!  Maybe it'll be pussy (pronounce that correctly or else!) and green or black or something by then?  Maybe it'll look like gangrene?  Or I could claim it is the start of a zombie virus that's attacking my system and it will spread?  Things to ponder...

There is possibly some news on the home front.  Well there is and there is some more possibly.  The factual stuff is that progress has been made!  The house has been painted.  The baseboards have been replaced and painted and caulked.  Tomorrow I start painting soffits.  yay.  Standing on a ladder for hours with my hands above my head.  yay.  The gap between the baseboards and skirting has been closed.  Looks good!  I still have work to do but am making progress and feel pretty good about how it's all looking.  Woo Hoo!

Now for the possible news.  Nick and Lee are thinking about buying the place.  I have mixed feelings about this.  One the one hand, it'd be so great to sell the house without even putting it on the market.  I'd be another step on the way to my goal!  On the other hand, HOLY CRAP!!  Yeah, I say that a lot lately but it's how I'm feeling a lot too. 

I haven't moved in almost 15 years so the thought of pulling up stakes is freaking me out a bit.  I was expecting to spend a comfortable winter here and switch to fixing things up inside, then back to outside work in the spring.  My plans could be right out the window!  If they do decide to take it over, I'll be moving to a new space by Dec 1st.  Moving in Dec does NOT thrill me in the slightest.  The timing of that could cause some issues for my later plans.  Ick!

I'm doing the debate of trying to find some one's basement or something to live in for 3-4 mos so I can time a lease right.  So far I'm not coming up with any feasible options. 

I considered talking to my sister about staying in her basement and paying her some rent but she's allergic to my dog so that's out. 

Then I considered the back room at my friend Kim's (she offered) but she has a cat (I have allergies to those) and a large dog that Bruiser does NOT like and the long commute to work would be hellish this winter so that option is out. 

I think I'm probably stuck finding a place to rent and hoping it all works out ok. 

If they decide not to take the place over, I proceed with my original plan, I will feel calmer and the house will get sold anyway.  Since they think it's good enough to seriously consider AND they know its good points and bad, I have more confidence in my ability to sell it once it hits the market. 

dullness

Tonight I feel dulled.  Muted.  It was a long day.  Didn't get home until after 7.  Dog crapped on the floor.  Was frantic to eat his supper.  So was I!  Cleaned up his mess, got my work clothes off.  My butt was wet.  I did an emergency rescue of Lacey & Penelope after Lacey's car decided not to start.  While Lacey was putting the car seat in the back and I was chatting with Penelope, her water cup spilled all over the car seat.  So I had a wet butt.  I didn't enjoy it.  So I wanted to change.  Bruiser about had a stroke over it.  He didn't think there was any reason good enough to delay his supper.  It was 2 hrs late after all.  Unacceptable!

I tore around my house tidying up all the stuff I didn't tidy up yesterday.  I did some laundry.  I washed the dirty dishes (quite a mountain by this time).  Then I sat down to look at facebook and froze.  I feel a bit zombie-like.  I think I need to sleep soon.  So I can get up and do it again.  Slight variations but all the same.  I'm slogging down now.  As I type.  Should probably give this up and go to bed.  For some reason I thought something good might come out of this.  I was mistaken.

feeling muffled is the only way to tolerate life right now

It's allergy season again with a vengeance!  I haven't had such a miserable allergy season in quite a while.  I'm drugged up right now on cold medicine because my allergy meds weren't helping.  I'm muffled. 

My right ear has been plugged since last night.  It did open up breifly this AM and I did a little dance of joy but then it plugged back up again.  You gotta take those joyous moments when you can!

Yesterday was a high point for me.  I thought I was getting past it and then it gave me it's hardest hit yet!  I had the lovely sinus drip going steady.  Nose is raw/chapped from the visits with kleenex every 5 minutes or less.  My throat is raw from the drip and the bizarre contortions I'm doing with the back of my throat in my attempts to scratch what's itching back in there.  Finally felt like some blisters popped so I really need to knock the throat contortions off today.  When I forget and try to do them, I get some painful reminders!  The itch is less of a problem than the pain I get from trying to releive the itch at this point.

The cold medicine has finally slowed the drip.  I was experiencing itchy eyelashes (yes, eyelashes) and that's not happening today (yay!!!)  Yay for cold medicine that makes my symptoms ease and relaxes me enough that I don't care as much about what it doesn't ease!

I don't really mind being muffled.  It's rather nice and peaceful in this muffly place!  Until I can wake up and feel like my normal self, this muffled place makes life tolerable.  Yesterday it wasn't.  Yesterday I hit a new level of crabby over this.  I hate having allergies!  There is no escape.  It's your body and you can't get away from it.  Well I supposed you could commit suicide but that would be really stupid.  So, short of suicide, you can't get away from it.  Unlike a cold, it can go on for weeks.  Wait, I've had colds that went on for weeks.  Maybe a cold isn't better.  Regardless, with a cold you have the outside chance that you'll feel better in 7-10 days.  Allergies can go on for weeks!  When the snow flies I should be safe but it's only friggin' 9/5/12 so that's potentially a lot of suffering if it actually takes that long!

Shit.

Mi familia :)

 

 

 

Magic Mike movie review

Last Friday I got the thought in my head that my sister and I should live on the edge a bit and go see the movie "Magic Mike".  I was pretty excited for a girl's night out!  Most of the time, since I'm trying to pay down credit and seem to be chronically short on fun money, I sit at home and either read or watch the TV.  My life is rather dull most of the time.  The happy flip side to this is that when I do plan something I tend to get pretty excited about it!

Here's what I enjoyed about the movie.  (crickets chirping)







Ok, it wasn't that bad (Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man was worse) but it was equivalent to a cold shower for my libido. 

My interest in that sort of thing apparently has not improved with age.  Back in the day I would occassionally go to male strip shows with some girlfriends.  I loved having an excuse to get away from my kids and my normal life for an evening!  But the strippers...errgh...well they were mostly good looking!  I'll say that for them.  But they were silly.  Men in thongs and legwarmers are silly looking.  (Leg warmers show you just how long ago it was that I last went to one of these shows!)

Men don't make interesting strippers.  At least to me they don't.  It's just not a very manly thing to do!  I do enjoy looking at a pretty man but if one is dancing around in a thong it's all I can do not to laugh!  They look good when they pose for pictures don't they?  I did laugh plenty at Magic Mike.  Probably at inappropriate times but whatevs...it was my $10 so I can do what I want!

There was one thing that was very distracting (one thing, right) and that was the size of Matthew McConaughey's head.  He has a rather large head in comparison to his tiny little body.  And his legs are kinda short.  Or is this just me?  Maybe it was just the hat?  He is in good shape.  I'll give him that.  (see <----)

The camera work on him wasn't kind for the most part.  Made him look like he isn't aging well, despite the fit bod.  But that was probably on purpose since he wasn't playing a super sweetheart, cutie patootie. 

I'll be honest with you...I felt super repulsed when they would pull women on the stage and dry hump their faces!  I'm familiar with the scent of a man in that region.  The thought of some strange dude, who's sweaty, dry humping my face on a stage would probably get him punched hard in the nut sac!  I was grimacing thru that part.  I'm grimacing writing about it right now! 

I'm honestly not a prude.  Ask Ken!  On second thought, don't.  That's our business.  Anyway, you'll have to take my word for it.  I'm not a prude but that was going a little far.  I'm eternally grateful that the strippers I saw back in the day only went for kisses.  Sure they'd straddle you sometimes to grant them but they kept their mouths closed and didn't try to dry hump your face.  I never realized, until this movie, that I even should be grateful for that but hey, I really am! 

There was one part that caught my attention and made me wonder.  There was a scene where a dialog was going on and you could see a penis being pumped in the corner of the shot.  They made sure you noticed by having the new kid in the movie stare at it, mesmerized.  And you could see it stretching down the tube.  I kept wondering what was the point of that?  I think it was to stretch it the hell out for a later shot but wouldn't that be damaging?  Wouldn't it hurt?  It looked like it should hurt!

The last time I went to a stripper show I realized I couldn't go again.  Because I found it ridiculous.  And I didn't want to hurt any guy's feelings by laughing at him when he wiggled over so's I could put a dollar in his thong.  And I really, really didn't want a kiss!  REALLY!!  Ick.  I try to be polite.  If I can't then...

I find watching women strip to be far more interesting to watch.  I used to go now and again when I was in my 20's. I think I was trying to prove how cool and uninhibited I was. No, I'm not a latent lesbian.  Tho I'd probably be pretty good at it if I was!  I mean, girls know what girls like right?  Thing is they are missing some parts I happen to really enjoy but I get it.  I have yet to find a woman that I'm attracted to like that.  Except for Michelle Malkin.  I might become a temporary lesbian like Anne Heche for that one!   

The thing about it is, that I can imagine myself doing what the lady strippers are doing and when I'm in the right frame of mind I find it to be pretty titillating.  (let me point out the poetic use of titillating :)  I can't imagine myself being one of those dudes on the stage though, and nothing they're doing up there is making me want to bang them or bang my honey either.  So girl strippers are the winner if I'm gonna go to a strip show!  YAY!  Or not, since I don't go to strip shows anymore.  I can just stay home and have a cold shower if I want to kill my libido!  I don't need to pay a cover charge to do it!  Older and wiser.  Except for Friday night.  I wonder how many years it'll be before I get the stupid notion that I need to see a strip show again? 

sitting alone in the dark

I was just playing with my webcam and got into special effects and this made me think of A-Ha "Take me on" so I got the music off You Tube and filmed this stupid movie :)

OMG I'm a dork!!  If only Ken could pop thru a comic book to hang out with me!!

videos/pictures

This is Bruiser ignoring me while he takes a nap.  He likes to put his head into spaces to limit what he sees.  I find it mildly insulting.

 No lips!

Here's me thinking I'm being kinda weird.  And I still haven't put on any make-up this AM.  Debating if I will.  I may take a nap.  Also haven't put on a bra.  Seems stupid to suffer in a bra when it's just me and my dog.  Tho on occasion people pop over and I have to run into my room and put a bra on.  I wish people would warn me before they come over so I can have a bra on when they arrive!

 

I was trying to take a picture of myself...turns out the camera was set for video. My face looks weirdly red!  This was my first picture of the day!

Batman Premiere shooting

Woke up to the news that some jackass decided that a Batman movie premiere was a great place to randomly shoot people.  What the hell???  I'm sickened by this.  Yet I know this kind of crap has been going on for hundreds of years.  Well, maybe not in movie theaters at Batman premieres, but you know, where one or more sick fucks decide they are pissed at the world or suicidal and can't just take themselves deep...they feel a compulsion to spread their misery far and wide. 

I don't understand.

I guess I don't understand because I would never, in my wildest dreams, do something like this.  The mindset behind it is alien to me and most people.  This was clearly planned out in advance.  They said that some of the guns used could have been planted earlier.  He has tear gas.  Where does one get tear gas?  So he heard about the Batman premiere and decided THIS would be the perfect event for him to corner a bunch of innocents and torture/kill them for his own amusement. 

I sometimes wish that we were more barbaric.  If this sick fuck knew that when he was caught, he would be tied up and slowly shot and cut up and tortured to death for a period of several hours/days, maybe he would have thought twice and just taken himself deep and limited the suffering to his own family.  Those poor people! 

Can you imagine having a mass murderer for a brother or son or father or lover?  How painful!  You love them and yet...how do you even begin to wrap your head around that! 

And who could tolerate inflicting the death I just described?  That would be another horror.  Unless we could make these guys do it to each other.  Line them up.  When the next one comes along, the earlier one dies at the new guy's hands.  They have already murdered.  Make them murder their own kind.  Then make them pray that no one else does the same thing because they're next.  It's a thought!

This is a terrible day for many in CO.  It is the start of many more terrible days to follow.  My heart goes out to all of the families and friends of the victims in the CO shootings this morning.

SBD Santa Claus

Yesterday I made yet another "epic" journey to Salt Lake City, UT, to see my man, Ken.  I started the day with a crooked back and high hopes that my chiropractor would be able to fix me first thing in the AM so I could go blissfully thru the rest of my day and then my 10 day vacation.  Didn't exactly work out.  Marginal improvement was made.  It was something.

One of the things I did to myself was to offer to bring a (this) laptop with me on vacation so I could work a bit and try to keep up on things.  I would do this if they paid for me to check my bag.  They agreed.  So I was happy because I got to bring the bigger suitcase YAY!  And sad because I wasn't going to be totally on vacation.  But mostly so I'll stop whining about it now. 

I had the great idea to take the train from work to the airport.  Never did that before.  It was kind of cool!  I'll do it again someday!  Saw some new views of Mpls and got to smell a little BO.  It was hot and the guy sitting in front of me liked putting his arms up.  So I breathed shallowly.  I survived. 

First leg into DFW was great!  I was a special passenger and got an entire row of 3 seats all to myself!!  Felt like a rock star :)  Except for the fact that I was 2 rows away from the bathrooms and that got a little fragrant now and again.  This trip was turning out to be fragrant.  When you go out amongst the people it gets like that.

So I get into DFW.  Sigh.  You almost need stamina training at some airports.  I came in at the D gates.  My next flight left from the C gates so I started walking.  They could use a LOT more moving walkways at DFW!!  JS!!  So I walked and walked.  And I started really hating this lunky, heavy laptop.  I went up the escalator and walked.  Then down another escalator and walked.  Then walked over a highway in a skyway.  Then more escalators.  Then a tram.  Then another escalator.  And then...(drumroll) my gate!  It said the flight was going to Orlando.  I was a bit early tho Orlando might have been nice.  I had 2 hrs to wait.  My back was aching from carrying the damned laptop all over kingdom come.  I was in crabby bitch mode.  I was wondering why my work didn't use those cute little notebook type laptops instead of these 50 lb behemoths!  50 lb behemoths should automatically come with wheels so people with crappy backs can drag them around on the floor behind them!  Ok, so it's not 50 lbs but my back was sore and I was being a pussy about it.

I thought I found a McDonalds to eat at but was detoured by the pretzel offerings at Auntie Anne's.  I did not eat a well balance diet yesterday.  That pretzel was the best thing I ate all day!

So I finally get on the plane.  Some guy who looks like Santa Claus has hijacked my seat.  He's giving me this look and I figure if he wants the  window seat that fucking bad, go for it!  So I took the middle. 

I would like to say that whoever designed those seats should be taken out and shot!!  They have NO lumbar support.  In fact, they force you into a hunched position.  I was fantasizing about how wonderful it would be if only I had a big fat pillow to slip back there so my back wouldn't hurt! 

Santa Claus was a sprawler.  He splayed his legs out.  He took over the arm rest.  I hunkered over to my left as much as I can.  I'm no tiny petunia myself so let's say I didn't get too far left. 

Santa tried to strike up a conversation.  I gave monosylabic responses and he finally left me alone.  I'm not a good conversationalist when I'm suffering and crabby!  I'm rather anti-social in good circumstances. 

Last night was the night for people to bring their cranky, exhausted little kids on the flight.  We were swarmed with them!  I lost track of which kid was crying when.  Poor little dudes!  I was a little jealous because if I was like them I could have been throwing a tantrum to the attendants about the shitty seat designs and how my back really hurt!  I could have cried and moaned and vented!  Instead I just had a lengthy bitch stream running in my brain.  Let's just say the F word popped up regularly. 

So I finally found a relatively comfy spot (oh gag,,.Baby just took a shit in the cat box and I caught a whiff...gag!) by curling forward with my elbows on the little fold down table, holding my head in my hands.  I was doing this really well apparently because I dozed off.  I know I dozed off because the woman on my left accidentally bumped me and I almost jumped out of my skin in startlement! 

Well I squirmed all thru that 2 hour flight, trying to keep my back from being too miserable.  I was actually praying (gag, caught another whiff) that the flight would end soon and I'm an agnostic!  But at that point, I was desperate and figured it couldn't hurt.  Lucky for me, if God is there, that he wasn't pissed at me for being agnostic and answered my prayer with a flaming plane wreck!

All these whiffs are reminding me of the last little part of my flight.  The time when Santa Claus decided to start dealing some SBD's.  Silent, but deadlies.  Holy Hell!!  I tried my best not to breathe!  We were coming in for a landing when he started up.  I couldn't look out the window because that would have meant facing into the vile cloud of stench!  Ken asked me if I saw the fires when I landed and I had to tell him I couldn't because of the horrible stench from the guy next to me...I was wondering if he crapped his pants or something?  I wondered if the folks around me thought I did it?  (another whiff...gag...when will this kitty litter kick into action??)

Well my semi-crippled ass is in UT now.  Relax!  We head for ND tomorrow.  I have a day of rest.  So far work has been quiet.  I like that!

my dog has a wardrobe, but no booties!

You may have noticed that Bruiser was wearing a blue hoodie in my last post.  My Mom got that for him shortly after one of his haircuts because she thought he looked cold.  I moved into another zone I'd never been in before...a dog with a wardrobe.

Bruiser is already prissy enough in certain ways.  He doesn't like walking on grass because it pokes his feet.  He won't run in fields.  When he gets tired he lays down...doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a walk.  If you want to keep walking you get to carry him!  He is a fussy eater.  If someone at a petstore offers him a treat, he will politely take it and just as politely set it on the floor.  He won't eat it.  It's not one of his pre-approved treats.  He has very few of those and they tend not to offer them as freebies.  He doesn't have much use for other dogs.  Bruiser is kind of a pain.  And now he has "outfits".

The blue hoodie was the beginning of a collection.  He has a green sweater with leaves embroidered on it.  He has a black top with a skull on it somewhere tho I haven't seen it for a while.  Maybe some other dog got jealous and took it.  He has a few collars...there's a Halloween themed collar on the floor in my living room right now for some strange reason.  I think Penelope was playing with it on her last visit a week or so ago.  Shows how often I clean.

Once Lacey dressed him up as a clown for Halloween.  He looked ridiculous and not terribly thrilled about it!  Lucky for him that costume was a bit small so they didn't leave it on him for long.

Bruiser doesn't mind wearing sweatshirts/sweaters.  He even seems to enjoy them!  But I found out where he draws the line one winter.  He doesn't tolerate cold well so on the rare occasion I'd take him for walks in the winter, he would end up crying fairly quickly and trying to walk without putting his feet on the ground.  Would have been funny if it wasn't for the fact that he was really not having any fun!

I got the bright idea to get some booties for him to wear so the cold couldn't hurt his feet!  Ran to Petsmart and picked some nice ones out and came home all excited to try them out!

Let's just say that Bruiser HATED the booties!  With a mad passion!!  Surprisingly he cooperated until I got 2 of them on his front paws. Then he staggered around a bit (dogs walk REALLY funny in booties...or at least Bruiser does).  He finally lay down and wouldn't walk anymore.  He was trying to chew them off.  Frustrated, I decided to take them off before he ruined them and he bit me!  This was a shock because Bruiser doesn't bite his people.  He'll bite other dogs but not his people.  So I had to wrestle those booties off him and avoid some flashing tiny teeth doing it!  Luckily for me he's a rather pussy biter, which makes me wonder what kind of pussies those groomers were who couldn't handle him for a haircut!

Bruiser will never be a bootie wearing dog.

My discount puppy

I have a hairy family member named Bruiser.  He's been with my family for the last 13 years.  He was a discount puppy.  I'd been shopping for a certain type of dog with a certain kind of hair (I have allergies) and found a breeder.  She called to let me know she had 3, 6 month old puppies at half price if I wanted to come take a look at them.  They weren't the breed I wanted but had the right hair type so I went to meet them.  They were Shi-tzu/Maltese mixes.  They were all freshly bathed when we showed up.  They didn't look good...they were still dripping wet.  My oldest daughter completely fell in love with one right off the bat.  I was relieved because at least that one didn't have an overbite like his brothers.  I remember thinking that I never thought I'd have a dog like that.  A little hairball type. Not exactly my style but I missed having dogs since my allergies developed so had limited options to choose from anymore.  We brought the little hairball home. 

My wary purchase of this pup changed the rest of my life.  I grew up with dogs.  Normal dogs.  Dogs that like to run in fields.  (Maybe I shouldn't say normal...our English Setter, Commander, used to go into perfect points at tricycles.)

Here he is with the kids shortly after I brought him home.  It was around Xmas time so he would have been 1 year old when this was taken.  My youngest, Ben, (red head) is now 22 years old.

Bruiser has health issues.  He has overactive sebaceous glands.  He can get oozing sores from this and it requires regular bathing to remove excess oils from his skin.  I've also discovered that removing corn meal from his diet really helps!  So Bruiser needs lots of baths.  He also has allergies.  He licks his feet all the time.  He skips over crab grass in the cracks on the sidewalks because he doesn't like it when grass pokes his feet.  His skin is sensitive.  He scratches a lot.  Sometimes he cries cause he needs to scratch so much.  Because of all the bathing, he is prone to ear infections.  I found all this out when he was a puppy and was worried about his quality of life.  The vet said that it's just part of being Bruiser.  I've learned that dogs don't sit around feeling sorry for themselves...they don't compare themselves to the dog next door and feel like they missed out on something.  Their nature is to accept their lot in life and make the best of it.  She assured me he would have a happy life even with itchy skin.  She was right!

One of the first differences between Bruiser and my childhood dogs, was the hair issues.  Bruiser requires grooming and haircuts.  I never had a dog that needed haircuts before.  Bruiser doesn't like haircuts.  He REALLY doesn't like haircuts!  The first few groomers we took him to told us not to bring him back because of the biting.  Biting??  Bruiser doesn't bite!  Except if you are a groomer I guess.  They tried to muzzle him but since he has a weird shaped jaw, the muzzle wouldn't stay on, so they didn't want him back.  In this wee beastie's life there has only been one groomer that Bruiser liked.  My daughter's mother-in-law Carol.  He truly loves her!  But since she's family I didn't want to take advantage so instead decided to learn how to groom him myself.  My first try was a miserable experience.  One of my kids held him down while I buzzed him.  He wasn't cooperative and looked pretty stupid by the time it was done.  So I got a DVD to learn how to do it.  It showed me some clever tricks!  I was excited to try them out.  First was to leash him for control.  I wanted to be able to do this for myself.  It didn't go well.  I truly think Bruiser would commit suicide by strangulation on his leash before he'd stand still for a hair buzzer!

There was another cool thing they showed me.  If you lifted one leg the dog will be forced to stand on the other while you buzz him.  It kind of immobilized him and forced him to cooperate.  I decided to do this with Bruiser.  I lifted his hind leg, forcing him to stand still on his other hind leg while I buzzed him.  It didn't turn out quite like I expected.  I lifted his leg and he lifted his other and then was dangling by one leg from my hand and we were no closer to him getting a haircut than before!  At this point I realized that the people who made that DVD weren't dealing with a Bruiser!  I had a unique (and problematic) pup!  So I threw the DVD out and resigned myself to needing 2 people for haircuts...one to hold him down while the other buzzes.  We're now pretty good at it but he still looks pretty stupid for about 2 weeks after, until his hair grows out!  He has freckles on his pink skin that you can see thru the fuzz we leave on his hide.  Not attractive!  Luckily he doesn't care at all! 

When I was a kid I loved to take my dogs out in the fields and run with them.  Taking long walks thru the countryside, enjoying nature together.  I decided to take Bruiser to a field and go running around with me.  We drove out, I took him out of the car and put him down and he froze.  I tried to pull on the leash, convinced that he would love it if he just gave it a chance.  Running in fields is what dogs love!  I realized I had a dog impostor that day.  He absolutely refused to have anything to do with running in fields.  He wanted to go back in the car.  Short of carrying him or dragging him around by the throat, I had to admit there would be no field running with the Bruise.  Ever.  So he wasn't a dog-type dog.  This has played out in various ways over the years.  Most dogs love to be outside.  Bruiser has finally, in his old age, started to enjoy sitting in the sun to warm his old bones.  It wasn't always like that.  I'd be outside working in the yard, with him to keep me company, and he would go to the top of the steps and cry to go in the house.  I'd try to shame him by asking him if he was a dog.  Real dogs love to be outside!  He would ignore me and beg to go in.  I'd finally give in, just to shut him up.  He is a talker!

He wasn't always a talker.  Part of the reason I got a dog was for protection.  Not that I think Bruiser would defend any of us, but a barking dog is supposed to be a deterrent to criminals.  Shortly after he came home with us, I realized we had a problem.  Bruiser wasn't a barker!  We had to train him to bark...to announce visitors.  He really sucks at it...he usually won't bark at them until you've had them in the house visiting for a bit.  (eye roll)  But we got him to be more vocal and he hasn't shut up since.  Except when visitors arrive.  Then it's like standing on a street in an abandoned town with tumbleweeds blowing thru it.

This post is probably long enough.  I will write more later.  I feel a need to tell people about my pup.  He's now 13.5 yrs old and has been showing symptoms of dementia the past couple of years.  At least the progress is slow and he still recognizes his people.  It's a painful thing to acknowledge that your time with a pet is limited.  We're in a long good-bye right now.  Life has changed and now I'm in maintenance mode.  Managing his various issues as best I can and watching him to make sure he's still enjoying life.  It can be hard to tell!  He can have a raging ear infection and you won't know unless you dig in his ears regularly.  Lucky for him I do.  So if he's suffering, it could be difficult to tell.  So I pay attention and hope that I make the right calls.  So far I think we're ok.  I've had a couple of sessions with him where I thought we were heading to the end and he made a comeback.  My Mom told me that he'll let me know when it's time.  I'll know.  So far, it isn't time.  I know it's coming tho.  He's the best dog I've ever had.  I don't plan to have another when he leaves me.  He'll be the last.