The Pioneers

Here's a website about the show I'm reviewing in this blog.

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/the-pioneers/

Last night I discovered a TV “reality” show called The Pioneers, where 4 couples go out into the wilds of SD and try to live like their settler ancestors.   PBS did a show like this years ago and I really enjoyed it so I was excited to watch.  The PBS show producers were real sticklers about trying to stay within historical parameters and actually graded the cast at the end of the show as to how well they immersed themselves into the period.  I thought this show would be the same.  I was horribly wrong.

Now I’m watching and looking for the flaws.  There have been many.  I watched 4 episodes last night.  Says something about the other programming options for the evening doesn’t it?

I believe they put these folks out there, for reals, but many of the supposed obstacles they come across seemed so terribly, painfully staged!

One of the first ones was a big cottonwood tree lying across the route they wanted to take.  Their Lakota Indian guide was going on about how it wasn’t there before so it must have just come down!  I’m looking at its bleached, leafless hulk and thinking this tree has been down for freaking years, dude.  K

I’ve already become annoyed by some earlier things like a pokey goat that they all wanted to leave behind after about an hour of walking - I’m watching this wondering WTF these people are doing on this show anyway if they can’t handle walking with a goat on a leash for an hour or two?  Way to commit to the 3 month experience folks.  K

Anyway, back to the tree obstacle.  They spend a lot of time debating how to get around this tree.  I grew up in ND.  It’s not terribly different from SD.  I have NEVER, in my entire life, come across a tree I could not get around.  K

Guess what the solution was?  Dynamite. 

You heard me.  I said dynamite.  Turns out one of the dudes decided he needed to bring dynamite along as one of his personal items.  REALLY???  I’m trying to wrap my head around why anyone would decide that they needed to bring dynamite along on a 3 month trek to dig out and build a sod house and try to live on the SD prairie for 3 months?

That’s when I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this show was bogus. 

Anyway.  The plan was to tie this dynamite to a tree and then step back and shoot it to ignite it.  K  This apparently took hours because in the shot where he’s tying it it’s daylight but by the time he steps back to shoot it, it’s dusk and he needs lanterns (he didn’t really and yes they would be blown up too) and then he shoots.  They show the shot hit right as the dynamite blows.  The tree hadn’t budged in that shot that I saw.  I was thinking how they’d put the dynamite in a stupid location on the tree and it had failed.  Then they cut to another shot showing the miraculous results where the end of the tree has been blown completely off and is still smoking!  It’s…gasp… it’s a miracle!  Let us pray.   (I think the production staff worked hard to chainsaw that off and then burn it until it didn’t look chainsawed anymore and they did it as fast as their little selves could scramble – praise be!)

Sigh.

By this point I was sucked in.  I knew this was fake.  In a way.  I’m kind of sure they sleep outside like a camping trip.  Kind of. 

EXCEPT.  They broke their wagon and had to stay the night despite the suspect TNT action on the tree.  The next morning when they were all rolling out of bed and carrying on about getting ready to roll I’m noticing the sun position and thinking is it like noon??  Did they actually sleep until noon??  It looked like it was closer to lunch time than morning light wise.  Somehow I’m not buying into the faux waking up scenes.  I know what morning looks like. 

Anyway, their Indian guide leads them on towards their homestead.  Let me mention that in episode 1 the narrator said it was a 2 day trip.  In episode 2 it was magically a 3 day trip.  Editing people.  Pay attention!  I know you really wanted to blow something up to try to create some interest but pay attention to some of the details ok?

They are going on and on about how they are so grateful for their Indian guide leading them across the plains to their new home.  They never would have found the way without him!  K  I’m looking at it and they are clomping down a rutted dirt road.  Yeah.  I need a guide for that.  Too hard to follow a road without a guide.  I call it Indian GPS.  No, I’m not PC.

They come to a barbed wire fence delineating the border of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, where the rest of the show will take place.  Their GPS asks them if they’re sure they want to continue.  It’s been a day or two and the cast debates if they can take anymore because this has been so much harder than they’d expected.  (really?)  I swear they never would tolerate a camping trip with me!  No makeup, tents but KOA because I do enjoy a daily shower on the road and the one in Rapid City has free pancakes!  But shit, if they can’t take riding in a wagon for 2 days???

Gutsy folk that they are, they decide to cross the barbed wire border into Standing Rock. 

They have drama there, their GPS leaves them.  They celebrate how they made it just like their ancestors!  HUZZAH!  Oh wait.  Their ancestors actually went longer than 3 days and didn’t have a tap out option and actually were committed to their trip so…

They have to go down a hill with their overloaded wagons.  One tips over.  Expected.  Not bad.  Until later that night…

They are sitting around the campfire, singing songs with their guitar (luckily there always seems to be someone who can play and carry a tune in a bunch like this instead of talentless and tone deaf singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall).  Suddenly a couple trucks with headlights come tearing down, driving in fast circles around the camp and the cast grabs their guns to face down these intruders.  The cameras get shut off as they discuss land lease agreements. 

When the truck drivers leave one of the couples decides this has all been too terrifying and it’s time to drop out of the show. 

Wow.

Aside:  Have I mentioned that I grew up in Mandan, ND?  I’m familiar with Standing Rock.  I grew up just north of it.  I’m sorry but I just have a really hard time believing that the folks at Standing Rock would decide to wait until dark to check out intruders on their land and that they would go in and peel around in their trucks in an aggressive manner if they didn’t know what was going on there.  In fact, I really don’t believe that would ever actually happen.  I think that entire scenario was staged. 

Sigh.

And on to building the sod house.  Let me just say these people dig like mo-fo’s!  Looked like someone dug the 6’ pit out with a backhoe but nope, it was just these guys and they weren’t even dirty or anything!  No complaints of blisters on their hands or sore backs or anything!  It’s miraculous.  Let us pray.

The womenfolk go hunting for food.  After about 5 hrs they shoot a rabbit.  This I believe really happened because man, they shot the hell out of that rabbit’s back!  I mean, his spine was mostly gone!  No neat little shot with a 22…they almost blew that thing in half!  THAT was real.  Hell yeah!  Messy as hell!  The womenfolk killed a rabbit and then one even did the obligatory cry about it.  Because women always cry when a bunny is killed. 

Then the rains came.  And the flash flood. 

There are so many, many things I question about this flash flood. 

1.  When you need to supposedly escape a potential flash flood and get to higher ground as fast as you can, why on earth would you cut all of the horses loose, slap them on their asses and set them free???  Wouldn’t it make more sense to ride them up the hill?  I would ride them up the hill.  JS.
2. When you get a little bit of water in your wagon because of a downpour you suddenly decide you must leave said wagon and race for higher ground. 
3. Whose bright idea was it to put the lumber for the sod house there?  Faking a flood is rather difficult to do but…
4. The storm was so bad they had to shut off the cameras.  Amazingly the next morning, the cast looked clean, neat and dry.  How is that possible when they left the wagon to go out in the rain in the middle of the night with no shelter?  They should have been a muddy mess!  Oh, and no one complained about being exhausted from lack of sleep.  I watch Survivor.  I watch the crying, shivering and carrying on that goes on during rainstorms on Survivor.  I’ve camped in rain – you don’t touch the sides of your tent during rain – seriously!  All of this makes me very suspicious.  I’m thinking there was an RV somewhere they all hung out in.
5. They couldn’t have staged a flash flood could they?

Once again they all debated if they were going to call it off.  Then they decide that this is all part of the experience and they’ll tough it out.  And by tough it out they’ll run for the hidden RV during the next flash flood.

I can’t prove the existence of this hidden RV but I believe it exists.

Will I watch another episode?  Maybe.  If I don’t forget about this show by next Tuesday. 

 

Things I learned when I had my colonoscopy...

I turned 50 earlier this year (I'm now teetering on the brink of 51).  As a reward I enjoyed the colonoscopy right of passage.  Now I am officially...well something.  Someone who had a colonoscopy.

There was some good information out there on the internet.  It's not something a lot of people want to talk about.  I'm a bit embarrassed to be talking about it but since I was so curious about some things that I didn't have answers to I feel it's worthwhile to write a few of the things I learned going thru the experience.

Here's some of what I learned.  I hope it helps if you're heading into your own right of passage event!

1) I learned that there is a lot of twisted humor about colonoscopies when I was trying to learn about them.  Savor those cartoons.  Use them during the tough times to keep yourself feeling upbeat about the process.  Just do NOT laugh!  There are certain times when laughing will be a horrible idea!

2)  There are websites that rate the softness of toilet paper.  For reals!  They use a grading scale.  I went out and got some good stuff.  Rated A- which was the highest rated I saw on the one site.

3)  It doesn't matter how soft your toilet paper is or if you have flushable wipes.  Your butt is going to be sore.  You will truly dread the next touch of your super soft toilet paper.  It will happen.  It didn't even take that long for it to happen.

4)  The stuff they give you liquefies everything in your gut.  (Note: The stuff doesn't taste bad but you have to drink a LOT of it - you'll be so full you'll kind of forget that you haven't eaten for a long time.)  You aren't pooping, you're peeing out of your butt like a whale venting its blowhole after a deep dive.

5)  Based on #4, do NOT take phone calls during this phase.  It's hard to explain why you threw the phone across the room when you were sprinting to the bathroom.  Plan to be incommunicado.  Texts are accepted.  They can be answered without offense and at your leisure.

6)  Don't go more than 4-5 steps away from the bathroom.  If you feel the slightest urge to go, MOVE.  Get yourself to that toilet!  I'm not kidding about this.  You'll have almost no warning before all hell breaks loose!  Another tip...don't put down the toilet lid.  Bending over to flip it up could end in disaster.

What's wrong with this picture?  Toilet lid is down.  BAD IDEA!

7) This will continue, to some extent, all night long.  It does settle down some after a few hours but sleep lightly.  Don't trust a fart.  Put this into your head before you go to sleep.  People fart in their sleep.  This is a bad idea!  Remember, you can sleep deeply later.  You don't want to be changing bedding during this phase.  Bending over to unmake/make the bed is not a good idea!

8)  You could wake up the morning thinking..."I'm empty, whew".  Then you'll take the next bottle of stuff they gave you (which tastes kind of indescribable) and you'll find out you weren't empty.

9)  Follow directions about when to stop drinking water and when to take your meds and you will get to the point where you're ok to travel to your appt.  If you're like me tho, you'll no longer trust any sense of pressure in your nethers and will want to bolt for the nearest bathroom at a moments notice.  You will be scoping for bathrooms on the way to check-in.  Your body may or may not finally knock it off despite these urges.  Mine kept going.  I mentioned this to the nurse...how I felt the urge but nothing was happening.  Her response was that my "colon was irritated".  Ya think??

10)  The stuff they give you to help you relax for the actual test works pretty nice!  I didn't sleep - I got to see my insides - it was kind of cool - I was stoned at the time.  I don't remember feeling even slightly embarrassed about what was going on behind me.  I was just watching the zooming around going on the screen in front of me.  It seemed like they were zooming around in there.  I watched them snip a polyp, saw it bleed a little and thought wow, that didn't even hurt!  There are times when being drugged is good.

Afterward my son took me home.  I don't think I acted weird or anything.  My tummy was aching a bit from being so empty.  I couldn't wait to go home and eat.  I was surprised at how little it took to make me feel better so I could sleep.  I had banana bread, a little applesauce and a tiny Cherry Garcia ice cream.  Then I slept really good for a while!!

11)  You might get a nice bruise from your IV to prove you suffered.  Sadly most people don't seem notice hands so they won't be exclaiming about your poor hand or giving you any sympathy about it.  It's rather pitiful to go around pointing it out tho I'll admit I did point it out to one person at least.  If no one sees your IV bruise, was it really there?

12)  The next morning was a little weird.  My tummy was rumbling and working on that food I'd eaten the night before.  It was loud and rowdy like it was having a party or something!  It scared me after my recent experiences.  Luckily it settled down and got back to normal after a few hours.

The main thing I wondered about was how long would the poop fest last.  Well, in summary, all night and into the next day with short breathers here and there.  Do NOT trust a fart!!  There is no such thing as a fart during this process.The good news, it's pretty much done after the exam.  Still, fart with caution for a while.  I said "pretty much done", not 100% done.

Another thing was would I be embarrassed during the exam?  Nope.  I was somewhat high and didn't care one bit!  Surprisingly, I still don't!

There are worse things in life I've been thru but I could happily go the rest of my life without doing this again.  I didn't like it.  Since they found polyps guess who gets to do this again in 5 years?

Bleah.

The fudge that became my obsession, owned me, beat me down and that I finally made my bitch!

This is me.  I'm saying FUCK YEAH whilst I enjoy a glass o' vino in celebration of my bitchifying of the Buttermilk Pecan fudge.  OH YEAH!!  

<Deep sigh of contentment>

I'm writing this blog so I remember how I did this for future reference.  If you choose to take up this fudge challenge, may it help you enjoy success rather than delicious failure.

I first made this fudge last year for a family get together.  I doubled the recipe, followed the directions but the fudge wasn't fudge-like so I added powdered sugar.  It was delicious!  My only complaint was the texture.  Adding the powdered sugar changed it to a somewhat gritty fudge and I assumed made it sweeter than it was originally intended to be.  I'd always assumed the recipe failed because I'd done a double batch.  Little did I know that it failed because I followed the directions too closely!

http://www.lottieanddoof.com/2014/03/buttermilk-pecan-fudge/

http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/pecan-buttermilk-fudge

Here are a couple links to the recipe.  It seems basic and simple.  It is, in a way.  The main message I need to give tonight is that you should NOT follow the time frames listed on the recipe.  IGNORE THE TIME FRAMES!!  If you follow them, your fudge will not turn out.  You will get delicious goo.  I know.  I got delicious goo by following the directions.

Ingredients:

1 C pecans

2 C sugar (white)

1 C buttermilk

1/2 C (1 stick) unsalted butter - cut into pieces 

(unsalted is important - you want control over the salt for this)

1 T honey

1/4 t kosher salt

Flaky sea salt (I used Fleur de Sel)

You'll need a candy thermometer.

Preparation:

Preheat over to 350

Line 9" x 5 " loaf pan with tin foil (works better than parchment paper)

Step 1:

Toast pecans for 8-10 minutes until they smell good and are slightly darkened.  This time frame is good to follow.  I burned them once because I wasn't paying attention.  They aren't cheap.

Remove from the oven and let them cool while you move on to the next step.

Step 2:  

Put your butter pieces, sugar, kosher salt, honey and buttermilk into a heavy bottom sauce pan.  This will boil up so don't use a small sauce pan.  It needs room!  It shouldn't be giant either.  Use some sense.  

Step 3: 

Heat over med-high heat until butter/sugar is melted.  Fit sauce pan with candy thermometer.  Bring mixture to a simmer and cook, stirring occasionally until thermometer measures 238-240, otherwise known as soft ball stage.  The mixture will have darkened a bit to a pale gold and will no longer smell like melted butter but more like toffee.  

Cook it until it hits soft ball stage.  This will take a while.  Ignore the recipe directions.  Just keep going until you get there.  

* It's very important to test for soft ball stage.  Get a glass of cold water and dribble a little bit of the candy into it.  Here's how I do it...reach into the water and grab a bit of the candy.  If you can't grab it because it dissolves, it's not ready.  You should be able to touch it and have it hold some level of form that you can squish or roll between your fingers.  As soon as it does that, remove from heat.  

If you let it go too long it will hit hard ball stage and your fudge will be brittle instead of creamy.  You need to be watching and testing every few seconds.  You don't want to miss the right timing!  I've failed enough, resulting in goo (temp too low) and crumbles (temp too high).  

See how the thermometer has soft ball and hard ball stages noted?  I went to a notch over soft ball before it was actually soft ball.

Step 4:

Pour the candy into your mixing bowl.  Using a paddle attachment begin beating.  I work my way up for speed.  The directions say to beat on med-high speed.  Last time I tried that right out of the gate it was splattering all over the place.  238 degree liquid candy isn't all the fun to have splattering all over the place!  So I work my way up.  It won't take long and you'll get to the med-high speed.  You want that speed.  You're adding air into the mixture and cooling it off.  

pale gold color, smell has changed from buttery to more toffee-like, tho not strong

Step 5:

Wait. 

I hope you have a kitchen-aid or you are not going to enjoy this part!

You should rough chop the cooled pecans since you have some time.

Still glossy and gooey here but starting to change

It changed!  It became matte instead of glossy and stopped being goo!

Step 6:

After what seems like a long time (ignore the recipe directions - don't stop beating it until it changes its shine and consistency) suddenly your fudge should change from shiny and gooey to matte and stiff/semi-creamy.  It's done!  Take a sturdy spoon as the mixture will be thick and fold in the pecans.  

Step 7:  

Put fudge into prepared loaf pan and press into shape.  Once it is spread out and smoothed, sprinkle some of the flower of the sea (fancy salt) over the top.  Use your fingers and don't coat it.  Just a sprinkle but you want a sprinkle on every bite!

The fudge in this picture stayed gooey and didn't set up.  You can see how it looks shiny.  It's not supposed to be shiny.
BUT you can see the fancy salt I used for topping!

This is the successful batch, cooling.  It makes me happy :)

Step 8:  

Let it set up for an hour, use the foil to remove from pan and cut up.  You now have some wonderful, tangy, sweet and salty and non-chocolate fudge to savor!  

It really is delicious!  I have an addiction!  And now I have a record of how I did it!