Here's a website about the show I'm reviewing in this blog.
Last night I discovered a TV “reality” show called The
Pioneers, where 4 couples go out into the wilds of SD and try to live like
their settler ancestors. PBS did a show
like this years ago and I really enjoyed it so I was excited to watch. The PBS show producers were real sticklers about
trying to stay within historical parameters and actually graded the cast at the
end of the show as to how well they immersed themselves into the period. I thought this show would be the same. I was horribly wrong.
Now I’m watching and looking for the flaws. There have been many. I watched 4 episodes last night. Says something about the other programming
options for the evening doesn’t it?
I believe they put these folks out there, for reals, but many
of the supposed obstacles they come across seemed so terribly, painfully
staged!
One of the first ones was a big cottonwood tree lying across
the route they wanted to take. Their Lakota
Indian guide was going on about how it wasn’t there before so it must have just
come down! I’m looking at its bleached,
leafless hulk and thinking this tree has been down for freaking years,
dude. K
I’ve already become annoyed by some earlier things like a
pokey goat that they all wanted to leave behind after about an hour of walking -
I’m watching this wondering WTF these people are doing on this show anyway if
they can’t handle walking with a goat on a leash for an hour or two? Way to commit to the 3 month experience
folks. K
Anyway, back to the tree obstacle. They spend a lot of time debating how to get
around this tree. I grew up in ND. It’s not terribly different from SD. I have NEVER, in my entire life, come across
a tree I could not get around. K
Guess what the solution was?
Dynamite.
You heard me. I said
dynamite. Turns out one of the dudes
decided he needed to bring dynamite along as one of his personal items. REALLY???
I’m trying to wrap my head around why anyone would decide that they
needed to bring dynamite along on a 3 month trek to dig out and build a sod
house and try to live on the SD prairie for 3 months?
That’s when I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this
show was bogus.
Anyway. The plan was
to tie this dynamite to a tree and then step back and shoot it to ignite
it. K
This apparently took hours because in
the shot where he’s tying it it’s daylight but by the time he steps back to
shoot it, it’s dusk and he needs lanterns (he didn’t really and yes they would
be blown up too) and then he shoots.
They show the shot hit right as the dynamite blows. The tree hadn’t budged in that shot that I
saw. I was thinking how they’d put the
dynamite in a stupid location on the tree and it had failed. Then they cut to another shot showing the
miraculous results where the end of the tree has been blown completely off and
is still smoking! It’s…gasp… it’s a
miracle! Let us pray. (I
think the production staff worked hard to chainsaw that off and then burn it
until it didn’t look chainsawed anymore and they did it as fast as their little
selves could scramble – praise be!)
Sigh.
By this point I was sucked in. I knew this was fake. In a way.
I’m kind of sure they sleep outside like a camping trip. Kind of.
EXCEPT. They broke
their wagon and had to stay the night despite the suspect TNT action on the
tree. The next morning when they were
all rolling out of bed and carrying on about getting ready to roll I’m noticing
the sun position and thinking is it like noon??
Did they actually sleep until noon??
It looked like it was closer to lunch time than morning light wise. Somehow I’m not buying into the faux waking
up scenes. I know what morning looks
like.
Anyway, their Indian guide leads them on towards their
homestead. Let me mention that in
episode 1 the narrator said it was a 2 day trip. In episode 2 it was magically a 3 day
trip. Editing people. Pay attention! I know you really wanted to blow something up
to try to create some interest but pay attention to some of the details ok?
They are going on and on about how they are so grateful for
their Indian guide leading them across the plains to their new home. They never would have found the way without
him! K I’m looking at it and they are clomping down
a rutted dirt road. Yeah. I need a guide for that. Too hard to follow a road without a
guide. I call it Indian GPS. No, I’m not PC.
They come to a barbed wire fence delineating the border of
the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, where the rest of the show will take
place. Their GPS asks them if they’re
sure they want to continue. It’s been a
day or two and the cast debates if they can take anymore because this has been
so much harder than they’d expected. (really?) I swear they never would tolerate a camping
trip with me! No makeup, tents but KOA
because I do enjoy a daily shower on the road and the one in Rapid City has
free pancakes! But shit, if they can’t
take riding in a wagon for 2 days???
Gutsy folk that they are, they decide to cross the barbed
wire border into Standing Rock.
They have drama there, their GPS leaves them. They celebrate how they made it just like
their ancestors! HUZZAH! Oh wait.
Their ancestors actually went longer than 3 days and didn’t have a tap
out option and actually were committed to their trip so…
They have to go down a hill with their overloaded
wagons. One tips over. Expected.
Not bad. Until later that night…
They are sitting around the campfire, singing songs with
their guitar (luckily there always seems to be someone who can play and carry a
tune in a bunch like this instead of talentless and tone deaf singing 99
bottles of beer on the wall). Suddenly a
couple trucks with headlights come tearing down, driving in fast circles around
the camp and the cast grabs their guns to face down these intruders. The cameras get shut off as they discuss land
lease agreements.
When the truck drivers leave one of the couples decides this
has all been too terrifying and it’s time to drop out of the show.
Wow.
Aside: Have I
mentioned that I grew up in Mandan, ND?
I’m familiar with Standing Rock. I
grew up just north of it. I’m sorry but
I just have a really hard time believing that the folks at Standing Rock would
decide to wait until dark to check out intruders on their land and that they
would go in and peel around in their trucks in an aggressive manner if they
didn’t know what was going on there. In
fact, I really don’t believe that would ever actually happen. I think that entire scenario was staged.
Sigh.
And on to building the sod house. Let me just say these people dig like mo-fo’s! Looked like someone dug the 6’ pit out with a
backhoe but nope, it was just these guys and they weren’t even dirty or
anything! No complaints of blisters on their
hands or sore backs or anything! It’s
miraculous. Let us pray.
The womenfolk go hunting for food. After about 5 hrs they shoot a rabbit. This I believe really happened because man,
they shot the hell out of that rabbit’s back!
I mean, his spine was mostly gone!
No neat little shot with a 22…they almost blew that thing in half! THAT was real. Hell yeah!
Messy as hell! The womenfolk
killed a rabbit and then one even did the obligatory cry about it. Because women always cry when a bunny is
killed.
Then the rains came.
And the flash flood.
There are so many, many things I question about this flash
flood.
- When you need to supposedly escape a potential flash flood and get to higher ground as fast as you can, why on earth would you cut all of the horses loose, slap them on their asses and set them free??? Wouldn’t it make more sense to ride them up the hill? I would ride them up the hill. JS.
- When you get a little bit of water in your wagon because of a downpour you suddenly decide you must leave said wagon and race for higher ground.
- Whose bright idea was it to put the lumber for the sod house there? Faking a flood is rather difficult to do but…
- The storm was so bad they had to shut off the cameras. Amazingly the next morning, the cast looked clean, neat and dry. How is that possible when they left the wagon to go out in the rain in the middle of the night with no shelter? They should have been a muddy mess! Oh, and no one complained about being exhausted from lack of sleep. I watch Survivor. I watch the crying, shivering and carrying on that goes on during rainstorms on Survivor. I’ve camped in rain – you don’t touch the sides of your tent during rain – seriously! All of this makes me very suspicious. I’m thinking there was an RV somewhere they all hung out in.
- They couldn’t have staged a flash flood could they?
Once again they all debated if they were going to call it
off. Then they decide that this is all
part of the experience and they’ll tough it out. And by tough it out they’ll run for the
hidden RV during the next flash flood.
I can’t prove the existence of this hidden RV but I believe it
exists.
Will I watch another episode? Maybe.
If I don’t forget about this show by next Tuesday.
