I've been pondering what to write about next since I do enjoy writing but have lacked inspiration of late. This morning I realized I received "inspiration" recently in the form of a sad friend whose relationship had taken a bad turn.
I understood what my friend was feeling. I've had relationships end and did time walking around like a zombie for quite a while, crying at random moments. I felt either numbness or deep sadness. Those were not good times for me.
I tried to get back into the dating pool too soon and had to step back...for a couple years! I'd been looking for a replacement. Someone to fill that empty space in me. I decided needed to get my shit together first. I needed to make myself whole again. I needed to be OK all by myself before I was ready to let someone else in. They needed to be the icing instead of the cake. Nice to have, but not necessary for me to be happy.
I got there and put myself back out there. Let me just say I hate dating and dating sites! But if you want to have a chance you gotta put yourself out there and try.
I joined a volunteer group that was all women. Didn't help with the dating plan but I made some friends and got out there! They helped counter the BS from the dating pool.
I'd do the dating thing for as long as I could stand it and then I'd take a break and just hang out with friends until I'd recovered enough to go back into the dating pool again. It's brutal on the emotions! I think I handled it better than a lot of singles because I went into it thinking I'd make new friends and if something bigger came out of it, hey, bonus! Even with that attitude, the level of bullshit that you have to deal with is pretty huge and a sane person can only tolerate so much of it before it starts getting really depressing. REALLY. That's why I needed those breaks so desperately...to cheer up so I could try again.
Luckily I made a friend and it did turn into something bigger and he saved me from the dreaded dating pool. Hopefully for the rest of my life! I'm really hoping that Ken and I can make this last until we're old and having wheelchair races in the nursing home together.
With my friend's news I had the sudden fear that Ken and I could split someday and I'd once again be back in that world of hurt. Hard not to think that since I know it can happen! I've been in relationships that I thought were going to last a lifetime and ended up on my own. I've learned that people change. They can grow apart. They don't do it on purpose, they don't do it to hurt anyone, they do it because it's natural to grow and we can't always control the directions we grow. One thing about a relationship is that it NEVER stays the same. It will change and not always for the better for the relationship's sake. Sometimes people truly do grow apart and cannot stay together without one or both having to sacrifice their personal happiness to do so...to conform to something that no longer fits them.
I think our time on earth is too short to spend it miserable and unhappy. If it's worth trying to fix, then do it. I think that when it's over, you know it. Or at least one of you does and the other is going to have to abide by that. The thing is, you can't force love. You can't shame it or bribe it or buy it. It's there or it isn't. And if only one of a pair is feeling it, the relationship is doomed.
I had an ex who tried to force me back to him with bribes, financial punishments and threats. It was truly bizarre to have someone who is proclaiming to love you, do their best to hurt you. I won't ever stay with someone who'll act like that. That isn't love.
When you love someone...REALLY love them...you want them to be happy, even if it's at your own expense. Even if it hurts. Love isn't possession/ownership. Love isn't a single feeling. I think that love is how you summarize your many feelings for someone when they make you feel so many good feelings.
Love evolves over time as you get to know each other better and as you get used to each other and begin to take certain things for granted. Another natural part of the process. While this is happening between you and your partner, your self image is also evolving separately. Sometimes one or both will discover that this relationship isn't what they thought they wanted. They can even still love their partner but find that their life together isn't a good fit. Not all relationships have to end in a toxic, bitter battle.
I have felt bad in my life because people have loved me but I haven't loved them back like they needed. I didn't do it to hurt them. I simply didn't feel what they needed/wanted me to feel. And the same for me...I've loved people and had them not love me back like I needed/wanted them to. It sucks! But having been on both ends I know that it doesn't mean you don't matter to those people, even if the relationship won't evolve like you'd hoped. That helps me a bit. I understand. I've felt terrible having someone say they love me when I wasn't feeling it back! I never wanted to hurt them but I did. I know how it feels because it's happened to me. So, knowing this, I work on forgiveness, of myself and others, for not being able to always be what we might have wished. And being grateful for the experiences, good and bad, that have filled my life with intensity and vitality.
I guess this is how I will close this line of thought...with gratitude. And courage! You need courage to put yourself out there and give love a shot. Even if it doesn't work out, and most of the time it won't, you've had that relationship...known that special person and lived out what relationship there was to live out together and sometimes you end up with a life long friend. It takes courage to risk the potential pain but without love, what is life worth anyway?
No regrets...and thank you.
