It's very weird that I lead with this since I'm agnostic but frankly, it's just a fantastic way to think about the world that it has affected my life profoundly over the years! I usually leave the "God" part out since it works that way also but this is it's original form and the way I was introduced to it all those years ago.
The first part about accepting the things I cannot change has been very helpful. It has helped me to stop and think about various situations I've been in and look at the parts I have power over and the parts that are out of my hands. It can be an enlightening process!
Facebook has been a place I've had to put this into use many a time. Facebook reminds me why I preferred the company of dogs to people when I was a kid. People are a HUGE pain in the ass!!! (Myself included) HUGE!!! Did I say HUGE??? Oh yeah, I did.
When I first started FB I was so excited to reconnect with friends and family I hadn't heard from in years! All of a sudden I had regular contact with these people and it was wonderful! And then it started getting annoying. The endless misspellings, the religious and political comments, the stupid comments, food pictures and running minute by minute updates of some people's days and the many, many TMI moments, OMG!!! As a whole, people are emotionally exhausting and all I was doing is sitting there reading comments!
And then the dreaded thing happened...someone kicked me from their friends list. OUCH!!! I felt so hurt! I wondered what I had done to offend them? What was it about me that was so off putting that they felt the need to delete me as a friend??? It felt like back in grade school when I'd be the only one in class who didn't get invited to the birthday party of the girl across the street and then when I got invited later only to find out it was because my Mom shamed her Mom into inviting me. (Really happened - let's just say it wasn't the funnest b-day party I ever went to!) I started wondering if I really wanted to bother with this FB thing!
So I pondered and here's what I came up with. #1 main reason I'm on FB is to connect with my family and close friends. For that reason I will stay on FB until something better comes along. #2 it's MY FB and I will post what I want, when I want and will be willing to live with the consequences for doing so aka losing friends. #3 if anyone who doesn't know me well wants to be friends, great! That's gravy! Bonus! I like it! If they don't like my humor, commentary, etc and decide to unfriend me, great, because clearly we weren't going to be good friends anyway if they couldn't handle me on FB.
Here's the thing. I cannot please everyone. I'm not even vaguely interested in trying. So this is where we get back to the serenity prayer thingy...pleasing everyone, especially those who barely know me, is not possible. It is something I need to let go of.
And here's the next thing...courage to change the things I can. I'm going amend that slightly...if I choose to. Recently I had what I thought was a joking discussion with a classmate. The next morning I discovered I'd been unfriended by said classmate. I reread the discussion and thought he was being rather sensitive, but debated making an apology. I didn't intend to hurt his feelings after all but holy crap I just didn't think anything all that bad was said! Still don't. So I pondered. I thought what if I do message him and apologize for hurting his feelings, then what? I risk him wanting to be friends again? On the one hand I'd like to leave it on a positive note because he seems like a good guy. On the other hand, do I really want to potentially invite him in again when we couldn't even joke around on that fairly lightweight level? I decided to let his decision stand and not say anything. He is a sensitive person. Obviously not thick skinned enough to spar with me tho he seemed determined to do so. I chose not to change this ending. He can call this one. I'll abide by it. I wish him well but we obviously aren't going to be besties so it's ok to let that go.
That probably wasn't the best example since I decided NOT to change something I could have. In each situation there are bits that you can change if you choose to do so. This brings up another one of my little mottos that I live by "just because you can, doesn't mean you should". It's good to think things through, think about potential results and what your goals are.
Because of this serenity prayer I've learned the value of defining what I have power over and what I don't and acting or not acting accordingly. The core thing I've learned from that process is that the only person you truly have control over (sort of) is yourself. I say sort of because even your body can betray you sometimes. Little things called cancer, heart disease, Parkinsons and stuff like that come to mind. But really you only have control over yourself.
This leads to the ability to change others tho how they'll change will once again be out of your control. When you change your behavior they tend to be forced to change theirs. For example, say you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is very controlling. You don't like it so you begin to take steps by refusing to cooperate with his controlling ways. In this situation the decision to change yourself is far from without risk! Odds are good your partner will be willing to go to extreme measures to regain control and his sense of security. So by changing yourself and your behavior, you have now caused a chain reaction that can go badly or better. That was an extreme example but having gone thru it myself I'm familiar with the potential fallout from deciding to change even yourself. There is a price to be paid for everything. Small or large decisions. I ended up divorced but better. I think he is better now too. It wasn't fun but in the end it worked out for my situation.
I try not to enter into relationships with the thought of changing anyone anymore. Even on FB. I think people have the right to be accepted for who they are, just as they are. If I can't accept them then we can't be friends. If they can't accept me, same. We shouldn't have to BE anything other than what we are, no matter how annoying we are. That said, if you're really annoying you'd best be willing to pay the price for it aka loneliness. If you're OK with that then it's all good! Because you are exactly who you are, you should be aware that not everyone will embrace that. I've personally felt the sting of rejection many, many times...many. Many. (tiny violin playing here) People don't have to like you and you can't make them like you unless you lie your ass off about who you are and eventually they WILL figure out that you're a fraud. (out of your hands - re-read prayer above). It is a dance and only you can decide your dance moves. The true gains and losses are out of your hands.
I hope I'm making sense. This has been formulating in my head for a bit so I figured it was time to jot it down.
And here is a picture of Bill Murray!
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| Gratuitous Bill Murray shot! |
