Oh man! I can't believe I woke up writing this in my head this AM! Three things came together from last night and stewed I guess. I was You Tubing last night. I decided to listen to one of my favorite songs/videos. Hurt by Johnny Cash. It makes me feel like crying every time I see it. I was curious so I looked up the Nine Inch Nails version. Not as good in my opinion but coming from a different place. I get that. NIN was about drugs and a bad place he was for a time. Johnny Cash made it about his entire life. He was examining his life and coming up short. So both are painful and personal but one is bigger than the other. The writer (forgot his name and too lazy to google right now, I'm on a roll) said he was moved that Cash chose to do his song and that he also felt Cash took it to a new level. He didn't feel the song was his any longer.
Then I caboodled around in You Tube a bit longer. Decided to see if there was anything by any Orviks in there (my last name) and found the book my Uncle Chuck wrote called "The Brothers' Keepers". It's about his and my father's and their brother's childhood. It's fictionalized because he was a kid and can't remember everything exactly, plus the publisher told him that no one would believe it was true. He adjusted the stories to make them less factual but they are familiar and I've grown up hearing about them. I hadn't known about the level of neglect they experienced. It was an eye opener! The other eye opener was how similar my siblings and I were to my Uncle and his brothers. We were both feral packs, tho his was more feral for more reasons. We didn't trust authority because it had rarely done anything for us to earn our trust. We counted on each other. On a level that is unusual. I have a profound love for my siblings. Every one of them. They are my best, most trusted friends in the world. Even when we fight, they still are my very closest people. Even when we go long spans of being busy and not connecting by phone or email or whatnot, we are connected. We all feel that way about each other too. My world is ok as long as they are in the world with me. They are people I need. They know me like my parents never will and my kids never will. They lived my life with me. We all went thru it together. We were the only ones we could truly trust back then. The others failed us regularly. When abuse happens and no one saves you, even when you TELL them the abuse is happening, they tell you that you are imagining it, well, you learn a few things about the world. So we helped each other as much as we could.
Weirdly, I've raised another pack. My kids had to survive the life I gave them and I failed to protect them like I should have sometimes. It wasn't all bad either but there were some hard parts. They depend on each other and I see similar dynamics with the three of them. On the one hand I'm sorry they needed to become a pack because it indicates trauma, but on the other hand I absolutely love how much they love each other. Yin and Yang again. Keeps repeating. In my case and my children's case, I think the sense of connected gained was worth the trauma incurred to create the connection.
Anyway, I'm veering off the path I was following when I woke up this AM. I was thinking about where I've come from. Like Cash did in his rendition of Hurt. My life. My regrets. And while I love that song because it reminds me that you don't go thru life without regret, I know I wouldn't have changed any of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. There are good things that came out of all the bad things. The somewhat tough childhood. I say somewhat because it was pretty good in some ways also. I'd really hate for people to think my childhood was terrible. It wasn't. It had some pretty hard ass stuff in it but also love and fun. The tough parts showed me my strength and taught me to think for myself and trust my instincts. They taught me that I have to take care of myself and not trust others to do it. Those times showed me I was stronger and more resilient than I thought.
It also gave me my sister and brothers in a way that is precious to me. I have a man now, that I love in such a different way than I've loved before. I've lived some years now and appreciate our connection for how very unique and special it is. In a way he's healed me. He is a retired cop. I told him my story...some of the things I'd experienced and if he had been the cop back then and if he'd been someone I'd turned to for help, I may be more trusting of authority at this stage of my life. I know his history also and he has become my hero. He probably would have mixed feelings about me calling him my hero since he doesn't feel heroic about himself - he knows his own dark side - but to me he is, despite and maybe because of that dark side in a way. I know the good, the bad and the ugly about him. He is my soul mate. He's weirdly like me despite our differing backgrounds. I feel safe with him. I feel loved and protected. There is nothing about me that I would feel I had to hide from him. I'm accepted. Good, bad, ugly and I have plenty going on in all three departments. But even with all that, he is relatively new to my circle of trust. There are 3 other people who know me on a whole other level because of shared experience, trust and love. They've been the ones who had my back throughout my life.
Sometimes you must pay a price for the life you live. There is no guarantee that life is easy. That if it isn't, you're doing something wrong. Life IS a challenge! It's complex and it isn't easy and out of that you gain some wonderful lessons if you are wise enough to pay attention.
So back to the Hurt song and my Uncle's story to close this up...I have regrets, but I wouldn't change a thing. I'll live with those regrets. I'll feel remorse for the people I've hurt along the way. But those needle stings are part of my life. I'll own my life. All of it. It brought me here to this moment with all the feelings and lessons learned along the way. I'm part of a circle. Even tho my story is unique I've become a parent and understood what that meant to my parents. I've become a grandparent and understand what that meant to my grandparents. I will become elderly and understand how that feels. I will die and if I have time to think about it first, I'll understand how that feels. And I'll find out if there is something beyond this life or not. If not, I'll never know the difference. I suspect there is because I believe I've been "visited" by loved ones who have passed. But I don't know. I'll deal with what I do know for as long as I'm here. Living my life and hopefully having enough wisdom to savor it as much as possible!
The relationships I've made with people, how REAL they are with those chosen few, have been profound for me. THAT is what my life is really all about. It's not about having things or a career, it's about those relationships.
I'm on a journey until I die. I will be alone in the way that we all are alone. We can share our lives with others but in the end, only we will experience our personal journey through our own eyes. Our perceptions will be our own. I'm unique. It's weird to be unique in the same way everyone else is but we are all unique because no one can see what we've seen, conceptualize it the same way, experience it the same way. I think back on my life and think WOW! And then I'm excited to see what comes next!
I like a lot of this but it meanders :) What can I say? I woke up writing it in my head!
