Happy Turkey Day!!

One thing I love about the holidays is that the memories of past holidays that come with them.

Most days don't work that way.  Birthdays...sort of.  Christmas...very much the same as Thanksgiving for this memorial quality.  There is no way for me to make it thru a major holiday without the ghosts of Thanksgiving (or Christmas) past joining me.  Luckily I like ghosts!

The holidays are all about memories.  That's part of the magic of them.


Today I think about the last 28 years in MN, spending most holidays at my sister's home.  I remember our kids taking the video recorder and filming movies using olives and corks, etc.  They were actually pretty hilarious and inventive!

I remember when my kids were little enough to snuggle in my lap.  They were so adorable and there are few things in the world more satisfying than snuggling with your child.

I'll be honest and admit I miss that!  To my kids: this is not an invitation to snuggle on my lap next time I see you...you're too big!  I will use my grandkids for this now.  Sorry!  But know that I really, really loved it when you were small enough and fit just right and I miss your little versions sometimes!  Some of you have kids old enough to understand exactly what I mean!

I'm really enjoying these memories!  I remember the huge feasts at Stacey & Jesus' place, since none of us had any restraint during the holidays.  We'd cook everything that we could think of to cook and in sizable quantities!  It was so much fun!  And delicious.

Then I think back to being a kid.  I remember my sister and I "practicing" for thanksgiving.  I think it was my sister and I???  It could have been either or both brothers too.  I wish my memories were always crystal clear but alas, they aren't.

Anyway, I do remember that we ate like pigs for a few weeks ahead of time to stretch our tummies so we could eat massive amounts on the big day.  It worked!   We crawled from the table to digest and laid on the floor in the living room until pie time because we were so full!  Our mother was disgusted with us - we had new guests at that meal and she wasn't impressed with our gluttonous performance.

Some of my best memories are of the holidays in Rugby.  We had grandparents and aunts and uncles up there.  Cousins from there and out of town would come.  We'd all be sent to play in the basement. The adults wanted a break and honestly, we had so much fun down there!

I loved it when Grandpa Lester would set up the movie camera and play home movies from years past.  Sometimes he'd run them super fast or backwards.  It was hilarious to see Grandma Barbie slide backwards up snowbanks or see us all tearing around, dancing or picking tiger lilies at top speed!

I also loved the times when Grandma Barbie would sit at her piano and we'd all gather around and sing together.  I sit here and think of that and remember the faces and the way we looked then and in hindsight I think we even sounded pretty good!

It was a wonderful time for family to gather and still is. Pieces of my heart remain in all of those places.  I still remember Rugby as it was in my mind's eye.  My loved ones still smiling and giving hugs instead of passed.

My heart is still in MN with my kids and my family there.  In my mind's eye, I know what they'll be doing today.  I know the smiles and the hugs and the happy people who will be feasting at my sister's later today!  Lacey said they will face time me later so I'll get to see all those faces for a bit today too!

I'm looking forward to enjoying this day with Ken and his kids.  There will be feasting, smiling, laughing and games.

I've been blessed to have wonderful people that I love with me during the holidays.  I wish the same blessing for all of you!

May your memories be warm and make you smile!  May today be another memory to add to the long list of good things you'll remember in the years to come!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

"You are soooo talking to the wrong person about this today!"

Ken just told me about this great idea of his that we should do some day.  He's telling me about the Gambler 500 up in Oregon.

"It's a 500-mile, mostly off-road race through Oregon where everyone is driving either 1) $500-or-less beater cars, or 2) comedically awesome vehicles like fire trucks and ambulances. You stop at the 250-mile mark at a campsite, have a huge rager, then wake up the next day and crush through the other 250 miles -- first one to the finish line gets a ginormous trophy with a toy car on top of it."
http://fridayatfive.com/2016/07/lets-talk-about-the-gambler-500.html

I'm like, no.  He's like "all we'd have to do is get to the party!"  I'm like, with our luck we'd be the ones who never made it to the party.  You are sooooo talking to the wrong person about this today!

Sigh.

Here's how my day went.  This morning I got an email from a potential employer saying thank you but no, we don't want to talk to you.  Bummer but I shake it off because, after all, job hunting is like dating only without the dick pics and bad behavior.

I get a call that the new tires I ordered are in!  I'm like HUZZAH!!! And off I go to get my new tires!

The guy at the shop takes a look at my current tires and guess what?  The tread on my current tires is still pretty good.  I thought they were going bald because of "cupping" on the outer edges.  The tread is alright in the middle.  But the edges, he says that's why I'm hearing that noise when I drive.

I get all excited because FINALLY that noise is going to go away!  I wait for the next hour dreaming of driving my stealthy, quiet truck here and there and admiring scenery and well, so very many possibilities of happiness with me and my truck!  Think unicorns and butterflies and rainbows.  Yeah, like that.

I get my truck.  The tires are beautiful!  I drive it and my heart sinks because guess what?  That sound is still there.

This means there is a deeper issue with the truck that has to do with the suspension. This means that I'm looking at some potentially expensive repairs.  See, during my hour long wait I did some research into why my tires may be cupping so I knew that I'd be dealing with something sooner or later.  I guess I just had my heart set on the "later" idea instead of RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Took a little bit but decided to pass on crying about it and resigned myself to spending the money I had other plans for on the truck.  Plans like supporting my ass while I job hunt.  That kind of plans. Plans like furniture for when I get a job and we move.  Plans like down payment money for a new house to live in.  That kind of plans.  But no.  I get to put more money into my shit vehicle.  Hey, I'm bitter.  Ken reminded me that it isn't a shit truck (that's what I called it in my text to him about this).  He's right.  It's a good truck and worth the investment.  We want to keep the thing for a long time to come.  But since it's going to cost me a bundle (the damn tires weren't cheap either!) I get to call it a shit truck as much as I want to.  So there!

Thing is, I'd prefer that my vehicle didn't go to shit when I'm job hunting.  That DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY.

Ok, so I don't look especially mad but it has a sort of "don't fuck with me" vibe to it (and I look kinda good and I need that right now)

Now I'm sitting here thinking of the bright side of things.  Here's a bright side:  I have money to fix it.  That's a bright side.  Oh, and I'm grateful that we have car insurance rental riders on our policies since the Altima is also in the shop being repaired after being t-boned a couple weeks ago.  Luckily the truck can be allowed to sit for the most part, until it get fixed and we've been driving the rental all over the place while it sits in the driveway looking red.  Another bright side.  (My truck is really red.  Super red.)

Why aren't I feeling like a ray of sunshine yet?

Ken just asked me what I'm doing.  I told him I'm blogging.  He knows what that means so asks if DQ would help?  (Normally DQ would ALWAYS help - he knows me so well!)  But this time I said no because we'd have to DRIVE the truck there (Luke has the rental) and I won't drive the truck.  He's trying!  I'm not easy to deal with when I'm pissy and chances are good I'll be somewhat pissy until my truck isn't shit again.

Let's see...other good things...

think
think
think

lean back and cross arms

edit

think some more

make faces a little bit

cross arms again

fart a little bit

more faces

Maybe I quit trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and have a mint creamy.  Ken was sweet and brought me one.  He's a good boyfriend!

I'm out of my rut...

One week ago today I arrived in UT to start something new.  Wow.

I wanted out of my rut and guess what?  I am.  Seriously.

It has been an emotional week.  An emotional few weeks leading up to this actually.  I still feel like a visitor here.  Maybe it's a coping mechanism to get yourself thru taking care of business?  I'm really working to keep pushing forward and building this new life for myself.

In some ways I feel like an actor/observer of someone else's life.  Except when it hurts and there have been moments where it hurt so bad that I had to remind myself to breathe.  It has been really hard to leave my kids and grandkids to do this.  I expected it but it doesn't make it easier to go thru.

At the same time, while there have been some hard, painful moments, there are also plenty of really great ones happening.  I've gotten settled into my new digs and I like looking around and seeing my things here.  Most of it is still in storage but there are a few pictures, some of my furniture, my shoes!

I look at how green the mountains are and I smile.  I smile simply because there are mountains to look at!  I get lost and I smile.  It's been a long time since I got lost because a place is so new!

I'm getting to know Luke a bit.  He's a good boy and reminds me of my Ben in some ways.  He's good-natured and ready to help.  

There are simple pleasures in the day.  Watching the cat find new places to snuggle in and nap.  Sitting across the table from Ken at supper and chatting.  Hugs and going to the zoo with Islie.  It helps to have little ones around.  They don't replace the ones left behind but they can be a balm to a sore heart sometimes with their innocent affection.

It's nice to go get a shake at Sonic because they have a deal going on and then drive around to look at the sunset together.

I'm not alone so much anymore.  I was tired of coming home to an empty house all the time.  That was the main point of all this.  I wanted someone for me.  Someone to share my adventures with even if they only involve sitting on the couch watching House Hunters Int'l and eating bananas and ice cream with salted caramel sauce.

I like the fact that my future is so unwritten right now.  It's stressful and yet, it feels like anything is possible.  I don't know where I'll end up working.  I don't know how many interviews I'll go on before I go back to work.  I don't know where we'll end up living by the end of this summer.  I don't know what new couch and/or recliner we'll end up buying.  I don't know what my life will be like a week from now.  Or even tomorrow.

I'm out of my rut.  I'm not comfortable.  This is a good thing.  Been waiting a long time to get here.  Hello UT.  Let's see where this goes...

Restless...

I've apparently been keeping my own counsel too much lately.  I could correct the problem but don't want to talk to anyone.  Not really.  I don't really like to call people on the phone.  I have a weird phobia about that.

Sometimes I get like this.

Being alone so much is soothing to me and yet it can lead to nights like tonight.  I feel edgy.  I feel like the beast inside me is pacing.  Waiting.  It's not a violent beastie at least.  Not this time.  It's just restless.

I try to read but can't focus.  Same with TV shows.  I've debated playing World of Warcraft but I figure I won't stick to that more than 15 minutes either.

I got a call today from one of my realtors and found out there is a buyer on the line and a contingency buyer has just been added to the lineup.  Maybe one of these will be the one?  I hope so!  Maybe buyer #4 or #5 will be the charm?  (#3 wanted to move 7 people in here.  The park said NO.)

This restless feeling comes mostly from the house.  If I do get the call soon, then my life will kick into high gear getting things packed up and into storage while working a full time job.  I have stress either way.  The longer I stay here, the longer I have to support the house.  Once it's sold I have to pack up and get out and live here and there until it's time to go south.  At least I have cash flow again.  Paying the bills wasn't fun today.  I'm comforted knowing more will be coming in soon.  It's good to be back to work!

I'm in limbo now.  I've been in limbo for a while now.  Before the lay off even.  I've spent years working towards this next step in my life.  It's so close now I can almost reach out and touch it.  At the same time I grieve at its approach.  Things never stay the same.  Sometimes moving on hurts.

Everything is simultaneously win-win and lose-lose for me right now.  The future is unwritten.  But it is planned.  As much as it can be planned anyway.

Patience is my middle name though that beastie in me sometimes chomps to be loose!  I'm holding back.  Always holding back.  Sometimes I can feel how hard I'm holding.  Like tonight.

When I was a girl I used to imagine that my bones and muscles were configured differently than they are.  That I had fur.  That my canines were long and sharp.  The animal I identified with was a cougar.  It's quiet and soft.  It's natural.  It sometimes screams and slashes.  It hides.  It watches.  It pays attention even if others don't notice it's there.

Even at this stage of life I still find that creature lurks inside my mind.  When I'm enraged, I feel like that big cat slashing out and baring teeth and ready to attack.  I want to bite and destroy!  I feel like that cat pacing inside her cage at the zoo right now.  It's funny how some things stick with you.

Does anyone else have, let's call it a spirit animal, living in their skins or am I the only weird one?  I figure I'm not alone.  I may be the only 52 year old grandma to admit it though.  <I'm smiling>

I've often said I'd like to be reincarnated as a grizzly bear because I could sleep all winter, eat salmon, scratch my ass on logs with impunity and no one with half a brain would fuck with me.  But inside that cougar has always been there.  It's me.  My id.  "the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends"  That's for those who haven't studied Freud.  There is also the ego and super ego.  Those control me 98% of the time but that cat is always there.

Now you know.  When I refer to my beastie, it's my id.  And it's feeling less restless now.  Writing helps.  Maybe I'm boring it?  Possible.

Migraines

Had another migraine yesterday.  Luckily Excedrin Migraine took away the worst of the pain but still spent most of the day with a solid headache, feeling woozy and slightly nauseated.  Most people would never know I had a migraine unless I told them.  I might look tired when going thru it but I don't think it's obvious.

I remember years ago when a friend of mine told me how she had had such a bad migraine that she screamed thru it.  I remember thinking screaming would make it worse.  I questioned if it actually was a migraine?

When I first started having migraines, I didn't have Excedrin Migraine to fight them off for me.  Here's how it went for me:

1) I start noticing that it's hard to see.  I'm blinking and struggling to make things out.  After a bit I notice an arc of sparkling shards of rainbow lights slowly widening across my field of vision.  I see it when I shut my eyes also.  I now know that it's called an aura.  It's my warning system.  Not everyone is lucky enough to get a warning.  I do.  But the semi-blindness I get isn't fun to deal with.  I was dealing with that yesterday.  I have woken up with a migraine.  That's the worst because you slept thru the warning.  There is no rhyme or reason to them...they just happen.

 Back in the day, when this warning hit, I knew it was time to go home IMMEDIATELY.  I was suddenly in a race against time because when the aura went away, the migraine would begin.  Migraines don't care what you're in the middle of, or who is depending on you.  Back in the day, when they hit, my life had to stop.  Honestly it was pretty awful.  There are few things in life that I don't struggle thru but migraines were one of them.

2) The migraine hits.  I become light sensitive and need to be in the dark.  Light hurts.

I become sound sensitive and need to be in a quiet place.  Noise hurts.

There was often vomiting.  It hurts so bad it makes you vomit, which is the last thing you want to be doing when you're hurting that bad!

And the pain?  It felt like someone was inside my head pounding with a hammer.  There was no relief and no escape unless I was lucky enough to fall asleep.  I used to have Tylenol with codeine in it that I'd take to try to knock myself out during those sessions.  Sometimes it worked.

Oh, and you don't want to move.  Moving hurts.  I really hated when I'd have to vomit.  Felt like my head would explode.  This phase could go on for hours.

3)  The migraine passes.  You feel like you've been sick.  You're woozy and out of it.  There is sometimes a residual headache that can last up to 2 days afterwards.  I tend to feel fuzzy-muddled.  Like I'm muffled and somehow subdued.  I get this reaction despite taking meds.  Today I feel "off" but functional.  Not 100% but good enough.

Sometimes you get another one within a few days.  That used to happen to me a lot.  Now it doesn't.  Maybe it's because of my meds?  No idea but I'm glad I don't get a series of them so much anymore!

I've recently started experiencing aphasia.  When it first happened I was joking that I must have had a stroke because I couldn't find the words.  Honestly I was a little worried until I investigated further and found out it can happen after a migraine.  That made sense based on the timing.  I'd seen my Dad experience aphasia after his strokes.  You know what you want to say but you can't find the words in your brain.  You can suggest other things sort of like it to try to describe what you want to say.  My Dad would call a winter coat a warm.  He had the problem much worse that I ever did but his experience helped me recognize what was happening to me enough to be concerned.  Despite having headed off the worst of it with Excedrin I still suffered the aphasia.  Luckily it's temporary after migraines.  I just have to be patient.

I'm lucky and have found a medicine that helps!  When the aura hits, I take Excedrin Migraine and wait.  Yesterday the headache was pretty bad but I was still functional.  I no longer have to race home for a dark, silent room to suffer it out.  Now my life can continue.

Sadly I know my medicine does not always work for others.  Some folks really struggle to find any relief.

I wanted to write this to maybe help people understand that a migraine is not just a really bad headache.  It can be debilitating and actually force someone to stop in their tracks and just ride it out. It can literally pull them away from their life and they have no say in it.  They aren't being babies.  It's BAD.

I'm one of the lucky ones who has found treatment.  Others have not and need support and understanding.  I'm hoping this might help with some understanding of the experience if you aren't one who's ever had a migraine.

my friday morning political rant

I think the U.S. is going to get the president it deserves. If people want to keep deluding themselves about these people the parties are pushing at us as the only presidential options. They are pitiful...we can't find anyone better in this entire country than these people??? I mean our main GOP contender is a bigoted, egomaniac with the self control and tact of a 3 yr old. The other options are not great improvements either in my opinion but at least wouldn't be quite as damaging to the country as the current front runner. I've learned I'm too conservative but not religious enough for the GOP. I don't feel that any of the options truly represent me. Not one of them. I am for equal rights for gays. If the idiots want to get married, let them. If they want their pain in the ass "when are you getting married" pestering card taken away, that's their choice. They get to be pestered like all the rest of us now. Equality. Fun times. I want borders tightened because we should be able to control who comes in (we don't want criminals and drug dealers using our gimpy borders to pursue their bad ends. I also want them tightened because the border states are struggling to keep up with their infrastructures. It's creating a financial hardship for those states that needs to be dealt with. We need to control our borders for many reasons.   At the same time I'm against massive deportations. I think that's a stupid idea. This country was built on immigration. While they may "take jobs" they also create them because there needs to be infrastructure to take care of an increasing population and they cause an increase in demand for housing, clothing, food, etc. That creates opportunities for businesses to grow. In essence, I want borders controlled and legal immigration but there should be a pathway to citizenship for illegals who are already in this country, working hard alongside us. I personally would like it if there was no abortion BUT my skin literally crawls over the idea that the government gets to dictate what a woman does with her body. A woman should not be forced to carry a pregnancy to term. I wish they all would but I don't think they should be forced to. This is a tricky one but I consider myself pro-abortion on principle. I'm not liberal enough for the Dems. I am for equal rights for gays. If the idiots want to get married, let them. If they want their pain in the ass "when are you getting married" pestering card taken away, that's their choice. They get to be pestered like all the rest of us now. Equality. Fun times. As for guns? I don't own one. Never felt the need. At the same time I think it's foolish to think that making gun laws tougher is going to stop these terrible crimes from happening. I think that is equivalent to being an ostrich and sticking your head in the sand. Law abiding citizens are not doing these crimes. I think that taking money from the rich to give to the poor sounds like a good idea but it's misguided. All this rich hating fascinates me since the political leaders who are perpetuating it tend to be wealthy and I don't hear that they are offering their extra cash to the needy. And don't we all wish we were rich? If I was rich I wouldn't think anyone else had a right to my money. They don't. This is a nation of opportunity, not a guarantee of a life of comfort. We do need to care for truly needy...the infirm, the elderly, special needs, etc but not able bodied, minded folks. Not people who are sitting around with their hands out saying "gimme". I did a few years on welfare back in the day. There is a generational thing going on (or there used to be) and I witnessed it. No reason for it but it exists. I'm not getting into welfare any more than this except to say that reform is needed to weed out abusers and to support people when they try to take care of themselves instead of penalizing them, hence keeping them locked in the system. It isn't easy to get off of. I speak from personal experience. Here's my thoughts on the other side... Our main Dem contender should be in jail but is untouchable because she has some very powerful supporters who want her to be president. She has acted like she's above the law for a long time and that's because she really is! Pays to have friends in high places. But it makes on more inclined to do whatever the hell she wants and know she can get away with it. Her smug attitude is valid. She KNOWS she's untouchable.  She can blow us all off until the end of time if she wants to. She is above the law. If anyone else in her position had done what she's done, they'd be in prison right now. The one who is giving her sweats is a well intentioned but mislead communist. Communism doesn't work. It's proven. That's my opinion for those of you who want to pipe up and say "I like so & so". It's a thing. If we keep voting like our government is a reality show being put on for our entertainment, then we get what we deserve. I also think that at this point in time, our politicians are a bigger threat to the well being of this country than ISIS or the Taliban. ISIS and the Taliban may kill people but our politicians are dividing this country and destroying our economy with their bad decisions, posturing, their lip service to achieve their own selfish ends, no matter the cost to this nation and with the constant partisan in-fighting.