Today I caught myself taking other people's inventory. Gasp!
If you've ever been in a 12 step program you understand how this works and how you should keep your nose focused on your own business! I'm taking this quiet time, shutting out news and social media, to sort myself out. Then I spent some time today feeling sorry for myself about the wrongs done to me. Then I realized this is counter productive and I need to focus on the wrongs I've done and taking steps to do better.
When I've struggled in the past some of these 12 steps come in handy as far as keeping your business on your business and getting off the "maybe they deserved it" line of thinking.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This one is a tough one but mostly I'm ok with my behavior, the recent public shaming of my daughter is a glaring exception but that one I admit to.
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
I'm a heathen so the God part doesn't apply but I have admitted my wrongdoing to several people including the daughter that I wronged.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Once again, I'm a heathen so this doesn't apply. I don't get a magic eraser but I do need to let it go. I've done what is in my power to do to try to mend this. Now it's up to my daughter to forgive if she chooses to. That is always the hope but you shouldn't apologize with the expectation of forgiveness. That is given by someone else and not in your control. You need to do your part and leave the rest to the other to decide.
Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Heathen here! And I was an asshole and sadly this won't be the last time I'll be an asshole but hopefully I'll curb my ass before I do so much damage again! The main reason for going through this process, aside from making amends, is to learn and do better going forward.
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
I apologized over and over again to my daughter. Now I'm giving space and time before making another approach. She's my kid so I can't just never approach her again. Not an option. I didn't point fingers to justify my crap - this fits my being goal oriented - so now I'm thinking this isn't such a bad thing?
Time and quiet is helping me a bit. Not crying at random times anymore or feeling quite so full of rage. Still have moments of pressure in my chest and depression but I'm better than last week. I hope time helps my daughter and helps her feel better again instead of so hurt and angry.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I did this since it certainly didn't hurt her to hear I was sorry for being a shit head.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
This is the phase of the process where I am right now. The part I'm sort of avoiding because I'm debating if dredging things up will really help? I remember when I did this years ago it felt pretty good - I think - it's been a long time. None of those things ever really go away. It's not like a brain wipe. But you can find some peace with yourself after the process is done.
Right now I'm trying to figure out what of my past hurts is worth dredging up and taking a hard look at. Since I've pushed some things off due to goals, some of them may need another look and think. If I'm hanging onto something negative, it's serving me in some way. I need to figure out what I'm hanging onto and how it's serving me to hang on to it. And what to do about it.
First thing that pops into my brain is my work situation. That was the start of everything in recent years. It was a horribly toxic, stressful environment and I was doing some masterful stuffing of rage and hurt to get through the days as a professional person. I was leading others or trying to, to show them how they SHOULD behave. There was a cost to me because frankly I felt like punching a couple of them on a regular basis. Some of my clients too!
As far as my shitty coworkers - it's kind of stupid to hang on to those things that hurt my feelings and made me angry. I don't have to see those people anymore since I get to work remotely now. I need to let go of those bad feelings and go forward without them. When we were doing the team building before Covid struck I was able to confront the 2 women who were being bitches to me and we hashed things out. So maybe that's already in the past? As I write about this I don't feel especially over wrought.
I do know that it's going to take a long time before I'm willing to change jobs because I get to work remotely. After the shit show in recent years it's going to take me a while to be willing to re-enter an office environment and risk dealing with psychos again. So for that part of it I'm still hanging on to the hurt. It's like a lesson I want to avoid and it's locking me into place right now. Hmmmm.
Maybe that isn't good. But I REALLY like working from home so maybe I just look at it from that perspective instead of a cautionary tale learned from a couple of bad coworkers. Let it go!
Paradigm shift!
Hey, I made a smidge of progress today! There is NO benefit to hanging onto the bad feelings from my past with my coworkers. I get to do what I want without putting a negative reason on it. I'm working from home and staying in this job because I like working from home. That's a better way to look at it!
Now if my clients drive me insane I can roll my eyes and bang my head on my desk while I deal with them and no one sees it. I can actually somewhat vent my frustration as I go. You have to be professional and patient but holy gods sometimes people are challenging to deal with!
I'm just happy I don't go around with a thought bubble over my head!
Also, on a side note, I googled how to write a book since I've been writing my blog again and I got bored halfway thru the list and realized I'm probably never going to attempt it. I do enjoy writing tho even if no one reads it. But if a few people read it that's gravy!
