I have a little dog named Bruiser. He's mostly shi-tzu but there's a little maltese mixed in. I wrote a blog entry about my discount puppy back in June of 2012. That's him!
He's now pushing 15. Hard.
Currently we are fighting some dry eye issues with him. Since August his system isn't taking over from the medicine very well, like it used to. He used to need occasional help. Now heaven help you if you miss a dose because his eyes will be mattered up, swollen and red! He's had so much eye medicine lately that he cries now when I treat him. He used to sort of look forward to it because he'd get a treat after. He doesn't care about that anymore. He just doesn't want me digging in his poor sore eyes.
He gets cold even when it's 70 in the house. It's hard for me to get a good night's sleep anymore because he gets up, turns around and ends up out of his covers (yes I tuck him in at night now days) and I have to go cover him up again so he's warm enough. On cool days he wears his sweater all day to help him feel more comfortable.
He doesn't get excited about much anymore. He used to run and bounce. Now he walks slowly. He's pretty quiet except when he wants in. We carry him up and down the stairs to go potty because he can't handle them anymore. He sleeps 95% of the time. He gets up to eat, go potty and occasionally change where he's sleeping. He likes a little sleep variety I guess!
Yesterday morning when I got out of the bathroom I discovered that he'd apparently fallen while having his breakfast and had spilled his food and water all over. I got it cleaned up and set it up so he could have another go at it if he wanted. In recent months his right front leg has decided to not support him at random times. It doesn't appear to hurt him or be sore but it just won't support him. He tries to walk and falls. Then he gets scared and won't do anything for a while. Luckily it passes.
Yesterday evening, when I got home from work I was discussing my worries about him with my daughter Lacey. I feel bad because it seems like life has become a struggle for him and I don't sense that he's really enjoying much of it anymore. He's sore. He cries or groans when we pick him up to take him to go potty. He is deaf and startles all the time when we reach to pet him. He's more inclined to run away than to seek human contact.
Last night I tried to pick him up and cuddle him. He looked at me and cried a little while I petted him. I finally put him down and he wandered off to sleep.
I'm running out of eye medicine fast so called the vet to get more. They said he had to come in for an appointment before they'd refill his prescription so I set an appointment for this PM. The scheduler asked me if this would be for his annual immunizations. I sat a moment and said no. I said I would probably be putting him down before the snow flew because I didn't want to put him through another winter. Then I hung up and cried for a while on my front step while he wandered around sniffing things.
Last winter was very hard on him. He isn't tolerating the cold. He's worse now than he was as the start of last winter. I've been dreading it and feeling so sorry for him. Last night I finally got the message that the time has come. I finally saw his life, as it is now and as it will be this winter and realized I can save him from some suffering by making the call sooner rather than later. It's not like he's going to get over this. He's simply getting old. You don't get over that.
I guess I've been waiting for him to do something dramatic, like lay down and refuse to get up or get super sick or get a tumor or something, so I'd know it was time. Suddenly I realized I knew it is time. I hate it. But I know it. My Mom was right. She said I'd know when it was time. Didn't come about like I expected but it's happened.
When we had to put our kitty Snickers to sleep years ago it was a surprise...I figured I'd be paying huge vet bills to make him better but the vet called and said his systems were shutting down and it was time to let him go. We were devastated. He was a young cat so it was very unexpected and painful. And there was no choice. This time has been harder. It's been on me to try to figure out when he needs to go. And I've been waiting for him to give me a neon sign. I didn't get a neon sign but I finally get it. This isn't about me. It's about him and his quality of life. I don't get an easy out like a neon sign. I have to make the call and at this point it's cruel to wait for him to give me some dramatic neon sign. He's telling me every day.
I'm going to get his medicine tonight and talk to the vet about things. We'll do a cursory check and I'm hoping they can do something for his sore eyes because the medicine isn't doing the greatest job anymore.
I will keep him a bit longer for my own sake. This is really hard!!
So many things have been gradual and we've just adjusted and cared for him. But last night, when I looked at him and thought about how he's living his life it makes me sad. He seems to be interested in less and less as the days pass. At his age, it's not going to get better. So it's time. Well almost. Soon.
I won't be letting him go tonight. I need to talk to the rest of my kids and my family to let them know and have a chance to adjust to what's coming and say their good-byes. That's partly why I wrote this because it's easier than explaining it over and over. I have some time before it gets so cold that it'll be hard for him. I can put up with some disturbed nights recovering him for a while longer. I raised 3 kids and survived that! We have some time.
This morning I flushed his eye out...one is ok and the other is angry. I took him out and fed him and then medicated both eyes. He tried to get away. He cried. I made it quick and then he sat near me, looked at me and whimpered for a little bit. I told him I was sorry. I really am.
