The house is pretty quiet right now. I need to get busy doing some cleaning and a little errands. I have a headache. Had a glass and a half of some crappy wine last night. A half because I couldn't bring myself to take another sip. Lacey has a headache too. We're going to blame the wine.
It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now. My heart aches. I miss my pup.
Life goes on.
Yesterday we decided to go car shopping. Ended up getting Lacey's sorry Matrix turned in for a Civic that should last her for some years. Got it financed low enough that she'll be able to pay the loan off in a few months with her tax refund. Penelope was pretty patient with it all. Amazingly so.
As the day wore on into evening I would think about my empty house and how I no longer needed to get home to let Bruiser out and feed him. I felt the pang of loss.
Coming home was sad. Walking to my room and there's no baby gate. There's no rug with Bruiser's dishes on it by the back door. Going into my room, his bed isn't there. He isn't there. And my heart hurts.
I slept 9 hours last night. I woke up and laid there. Heard Penelope so turned on the TV to lure her in. Laid there thinking how I didn't need to get up and let Bruiser out or feed him. And how I wouldn't need to step over him when I made my bed. I laid in bed a long time this morning. Luckily Penelope was there to snuggle and eventually Lacey was there too. And smiles.
Lacey made crepes and bacon for lunch (was supposed to be breakfast but we are moving slowly today).
I sat at the table and looked out the kitchen window and started to cry a little because I missed him. Why crepes made me miss him I have no idea. I managed myself and got a grip and enjoyed the good food. We talked a bit about how I don't miss the work of having a pet. About how I think I'll get used to this and eventually like it. But that I still miss him. Lacey called it a labor of love. It was.
Then I decided to have a soak in the tub. I sat there in the heat and felt guilty. So guilty! And so lonely for my pup.
I kept thinking about how scared he was in those last moments. It was fast thankfully but he turned to me and I looked into his eyes and don't exactly remember what I said in that moment but then I put my mouth on his head like I've done so many times throughout his life and he smelled my scent for his last breath. I was there with him. I felt him go. I said he's gone. The vet said she'd check but I knew. I felt him go.
That haunts me. He turned to me when he was scared and I didn't save him. I failed. That's probably what I struggle with most right now, aside from missing him.
I feel guilty that I wasn't up to caring for him until he died of natural causes. That I couldn't handle those long, sleepless nights that happened too often and left me feeling like a zombie during the day while he rested up for the next round.
I feel guilty that sometimes in the wee hours I had been ready to drive him to a field and leave him there. He felt that. I scared him with my barely restrained violence. He sensed it tho I didn't hurt him. At least it didn't happen often but it did happen and I felt like a shit for thinking it. But that's real and hard and honest.
I feel guilty that I didn't want him having accidents all over the new flooring I put in this past year so I can get my house sold. Last spring, when winter didn't want to end, he stopped going potty outside and it didn't matter how often he was let out. We were in for another round of that this winter...months of that...on the new floors that cost me $ and sweat and sore muscles this past summer.
I feel guilty that I begrudged the expensive, special food he required, the expensive vet visits and medications. It's been pay cut after pay cut at my job in recent years and his needs have increased.
I feel guilty about many things. I feel like a failure.
And sitting there in the steam I realized that guilt has been my constant companion in life. It's always there. Moments like this bring it to the fore but it's always there.
I have guilt about raising my kids. I haven't always done well by them. I haven't always even tried. Same with pretty much everything in life. Most of the time I do my best. But not always. Sometimes I'm small and mean and selfish. I'm human. That's not an excuse. It's just a fact.
Guilt is actually a healthy emotion if you don't let it get the best of you. It drives you to try harder or to avoid repeating mistakes.
When I had those dark thoughts towards Bruiser and I could tell he knew it, I made an extra effort to be kind and as gentle as possible the next time I handled him. Guilt drove me to be better than I had been.
There's good reason for my guilt with regard to my pup. I did fail him. I wasn't up to caring for him. Like I've said before, if he was a person I would have put him in a nursing home. Along with guilt comes the acceptance of short-comings sometimes. Maybe someone else could have done for Bruiser what I couldn't or wouldn't. But I had to make a judgment call. Some of it was for his sake. He was going to die. I did save him from more scary moments, like when his leg wouldn't support him and he'd fall, or when he'd feel lost and confused. When he was sore and couldn't tell me and would have to wait until I figured out something was wrong. I saved him from another cold winter. He never did well in winter but last spring taught me that he was at his end with winter. I don't know that he would have survived it. At least he went before he had to suffer through that.
Some of the judgment call was for my sake. And for Lacey & Penelope's sake. It was exhausting for all of us to care for him. Truly. It was a lot of work. I was trapped and unable to travel or be away from him for any period because of the level of his needs and my unwillingness to ask someone else to suffer through nights without much sleep or clean up his accidents or deal with his crying and medicating him.
The part that was for my sake is the part I have guilt about.
I miss him.
I want him back. I so miss his little face and those big brown eyes! And when he'd dance because he was happy or excited! Oh how I miss that!! It's amazing how much I miss that.
I don't want him back. I'm ready to try life without pets for a while. To be free. But I don't want to miss him. I don't want to feel guilty. I can't help it.
It feels good to sleep.
I still feel like I did the right thing. I don't like it. But I did what needed to be done. Just gotta keep telling myself that enough and some day I'll believe it again.
It can't be undone.
Now I have to deal with the fallout. I have to get used to life without him. Another little ache that I'll carry around in my heart for the rest of my life. I'm building a collection of those. Once again, while those aches hurt, they are worth it because it means you loved someone and they loved you. Nothing can last forever. But you had them for a while and it was good enough that you miss them. I miss quite a few people and I will miss more before my life is over and someone will miss me.
