Passing some hurdles

Been a few days since I had my pup, Bruiser, put to sleep.  Those first days were hard.  The house seemed too empty. 

Now I'm a few days out.

Some things have not changed.  I still miss his face.  I miss holding his warm little self and talking to him.  I miss his silky fur.  I have my favorite pic of him as my wallpaper on my computer at home so I say hello to him every day.  At least I get to see him that way.  It was taken on a good day last spring.  We were returning home from ND after a visit to see my Mom (whom he adored and it was mutual) and he was in the front seat, on his blue blanket, sitting in the sun with his tongue lolling out.  He was a happy boy.  I love that shot!  It was a good day :)

I still feel like he should be here.  I was wrestling with Penelope on my bed last night.  I enjoy those snuggle fests and the giggling.  But I still felt like he was there, snuggled in his bed next to mine, about to have his nap interrupted by our shenanigans.  I am haunted.  I'm sure I will be for some time to come.  Can't get over almost 15 years with a guy that quickly.  Even a little hairy one. 

I'm still adjusting to the empty space by my bed.  I actually look at it just to get used to the difference.  There's nothing there so it would seem to be a pointless exercise but I look BECAUSE there's nothing there.  I'm getting used to the new normal.  The lack of the baby gate that I was always banging into.  I don't miss that thing.  The lack of pee pads and food dishes.  Penelope now likes to look out the back door window.  She never did that before because his food dishes were there.  Now she likes to lift the blinds and check it out. 

His shelf for medicines and food, etc. has now become a place to store snacks to free up counter space in the kitchen.  It's nice to have the counter space free again. 

The past 2 nights I have shut my bedroom door.  I never used to do that because Bruiser might need to get out for a drink or some food in the night.  Now I can.  I rather like having a space all my own, that's closed off from everyone. 

I feel rested.  Sleeping is a wonderful thing and there's been a lack of it for me for some time.  Now I sleep.  All night long.  It's amazing! 

Yesterday was my first day back at work after Bruiser.  Getting ready for work has become simpler.  I don't have to let a pup out and back in.  I get up, I turn on lights, I don't walk over a dog to make my bed.  I don't have to go outside twice, in my robe.  It's cold out and getting colder so this is rather nice. I don't have to prepare food and refresh water.  I don't have to check eyes and medicate and give treats.  I keep expecting him to start a bark fest when I'm in the bathroom (he liked to do that if I dared to shut the door so that he couldn't see me and it drove me bat shit).  I can shut doors and no one gets offended anymore.  Something so simple as shutting a door is now different for me.  My life has become simpler and I'm finding this is not all bad. 

I'm adjusting.  I miss him.  I don't miss the peripheral stuff.  The work.  I'm finding I like life better without that.  Maybe someday I'll want to take that on again but I think it will be a very long time.  Besides, Bruiser broke the mold.  I've said this before, but I've had dogs all my life but there was never one as unique and special as Bruiser.  Our relationship started with me looking sideways at him as my daughter gushed that he was the bee's knees...me thinking this wasn't my kind of dog.  How wrong I was!  But once you've had the best, you've hit the peak.  I hit the peak.  And now life is quieter.  I'm lonelier.  Life is simpler.  But we had a good run together, me and my pup.  It's ok.

After Bruiser...

The house is pretty quiet right now.  I need to get busy doing some cleaning and a little errands.  I have a headache.  Had a glass and a half of some crappy wine last night.  A half because I couldn't bring myself to take another sip.  Lacey has a headache too.  We're going to blame the wine.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now.  My heart aches.  I miss my pup.

Life goes on.

Yesterday we decided to go car shopping.  Ended up getting Lacey's sorry Matrix turned in for a Civic that should last her for some years.  Got it financed low enough that she'll be able to pay the loan off in a few months with her tax refund.  Penelope was pretty patient with it all.  Amazingly so.

As the day wore on into evening I would think about my empty house and how I no longer needed to get home to let Bruiser out and feed him.  I felt the pang of loss.

Coming home was sad.  Walking to my room and there's no baby gate.  There's no rug with Bruiser's dishes on it by the back door.  Going into my room, his bed isn't there.  He isn't there.  And my heart hurts.

I slept 9 hours last night.  I woke up and laid there.  Heard Penelope so turned on the TV to lure her in.  Laid there thinking how I didn't need to get up and let Bruiser out or feed him.  And how I wouldn't need to step over him when I made my bed.  I laid in bed a long time this morning.  Luckily Penelope was there to snuggle and eventually Lacey was there too.  And smiles.

Lacey made crepes and bacon for lunch (was supposed to be breakfast but we are moving slowly today).

I sat at the table and looked out the kitchen window and started to cry a little because I missed him.  Why crepes made me miss him I have no idea.  I managed myself and got a grip and enjoyed the good food.  We talked a bit about how I don't miss the work of having a pet.  About how I think I'll get used to this and eventually like it. But that I still miss him.  Lacey called it a labor of love.  It was.

Then I decided to have a soak in the tub.  I sat there in the heat and felt guilty.  So guilty!  And so lonely for my pup.

I kept thinking about how scared he was in those last moments.  It was fast thankfully but he turned to me and I looked into his eyes and don't exactly remember what I said in that moment but then I put my mouth on his head like I've done so many times throughout his life and he smelled my scent for his last breath.  I was there with him.  I felt him go.  I said he's gone.  The vet said she'd check but I knew.  I felt him go.

That haunts me.  He turned to me when he was scared and I didn't save him.  I failed.  That's probably what I struggle with most right now, aside from missing him.

I feel guilty that I wasn't up to caring for him until he died of natural causes.  That I couldn't handle those long, sleepless nights that happened too often and left me feeling like a zombie during the day while he rested up for the next round.

I feel guilty that sometimes in the wee hours I had been ready to drive him to a field and leave him there.  He felt that.  I scared him with my barely restrained violence.  He sensed it tho I didn't hurt him.  At least it didn't happen often but it did happen and I felt like a shit for thinking it.  But that's real and hard and honest.

I feel guilty that I didn't want him having accidents all over the new flooring I put in this past year so I can get my house sold.  Last spring, when winter didn't want to end, he stopped going potty outside and it didn't matter how often he was let out.  We were in for another round of that this winter...months of that...on the new floors that cost me $ and sweat and sore muscles this past summer.

I feel guilty that I begrudged the expensive, special food he required, the expensive vet visits and medications.  It's been pay cut after pay cut at my job in recent years and his needs have increased.

I feel guilty about many things.  I feel like a failure.

And sitting there in the steam I realized that guilt has been my constant companion in life.  It's always there.  Moments like this bring it to the fore but it's always there.

I have guilt about raising my kids.  I haven't always done well by them.  I haven't always even tried.  Same with pretty much everything in life.  Most of the time I do my best.  But not always.  Sometimes I'm small and mean and selfish.  I'm human.  That's not an excuse.  It's just a fact.

Guilt is actually a healthy emotion if you don't let it get the best of you.  It drives you to try harder or to avoid repeating mistakes.

When I had those dark thoughts towards Bruiser and I could tell he knew it, I made an extra effort to be kind and as gentle as possible the next time I handled him.  Guilt drove me to be better than I had been.

There's good reason for my guilt with regard to my pup.  I did fail him.  I wasn't up to caring for him.  Like I've said before, if he was a person I would have put him in a nursing home.  Along with guilt comes the acceptance of short-comings sometimes.  Maybe someone else could have done for Bruiser what I couldn't or wouldn't.  But I had to make a judgment call.  Some of it was for his sake.  He was going to die.  I did save him from more scary moments, like when his leg wouldn't support him and he'd fall, or when he'd feel lost and confused.  When he was sore and couldn't tell me and would have to wait until I figured out something was wrong.  I saved him from another cold winter.  He never did well in winter but last spring taught me that he was at his end with winter.  I don't know that he would have survived it.  At least he went before he had to suffer through that.

Some of the judgment call was for my sake.  And for Lacey & Penelope's sake.  It was exhausting for all of us to care for him.  Truly.  It was a lot of work.  I was trapped and unable to travel or be away from him for any period because of the level of his needs and my unwillingness to ask someone else to suffer through nights without much sleep or clean up his accidents or deal with his crying and medicating him.

The part that was for my sake is the part I have guilt about.

I miss him.

I want him back.  I so miss his little face and those big brown eyes!  And when he'd dance because he was happy or excited!  Oh how I miss that!!  It's amazing how much I miss that.

I don't want him back.  I'm ready to try life without pets for a while.  To be free.  But I don't want to miss him.  I don't want to feel guilty.  I can't help it.

It feels good to sleep.

I still feel like I did the right thing.  I don't like it.  But I did what needed to be done.  Just gotta keep telling myself that enough and some day I'll believe it again.

It can't be undone.

Now I have to deal with the fallout.  I have to get used to life without him.  Another little ache that I'll carry around in my heart for the rest of my life.  I'm building a collection of those.  Once again, while those aches hurt, they are worth it because it means you loved someone and they loved you.  Nothing can last forever.  But you had them for a while and it was good enough that you miss them.  I miss quite a few people and I will miss more before my life is over and someone will miss me.

The end

Today is the day. 

Geez this is tough.  Last night was mostly good.  I enjoyed some time alone with just my pup and me.  Decided to skip the bath since he doesn't like them anyway.  Why put him thru it again?

I had a panic attack last night when I was getting set up to go to bed.  Had a hard time breathing.  Took a while to get a grip on myself again.  Can't go into that because I'm at work and need to keep my shit together.  I need to do that today as much as I can anyway.  Suffice it to say I'm thankful I was texting Ken when it hit.  He helped. 

Today is a fragile kind of day.  Mentally I'm working real hard to distance myself from emotions.  Not very successfully but working on it.  I have some things to get thru.  This is the hardest day I've had in a while. 

To lighten the mood...after I shut the lights out last night Bruiser farted a bad one...wow!  I mean paint peeling stench!  touché Bruiser, touché! 

My little brat dog strikes again!

Punk ass dawg :)



It's the evening now and Bruiser is gone.  The house is quiet.  My heart is aching.  Tears are flowing.  I miss my puppy.  It hurts.

My heart is broken.

The end is near: Thursday

Tomorrow is it. 

Today is going better than yesterday so far.  I'm not having panic attacks.  I feel sad and calm mostly.  I'm bracing myself for tomorrow.  I want to do well by him.  Dogs feed off our energy so I want my energy to be calm and comforting for him.  It's going to be a challenge but that's my goal.  I can go to pieces after.  Before I need to keep a grip if it's possible.  I really hope it is.

Tonight it should be just Bruiser and me at home again.  For the last time.  I intend to fuss over him a bit.  Going to give him a bath so he gets perked up for a bit and feels nice.  He likes being clean.  I'm going to let him eat a lot.  If his eyes look ok I won't put meds in them.  And he's going to get some Alpo snackies just because. 

All these years it's been nice having him in the house.  Especially after all the kids moved out.  He was good company.  It was nice to have someone be happy to see me at the end of the day.  I was happy to see him!  He's so stinking cute!

In recent years it's been nice to have his company even if he mostly slept.  At least there was someone else there.  It wasn't just me. 

I don't expect to spend a lot of the rest of my life alone now.  My life is changing.  I have Lacey & Penelope with me now.  I plan to eventually sell the house and start a life with Ken so I will have him to spend my days with.  I won't spend weeks/months alone anymore.  Which is nice.  But I'm so glad Bruiser was there when I was living like that.  That was nice :) 

He has been a great family dog!!  He was so funny and gentle with the kids.  He was robust enough that he could rough house with them but small enough so they could cuddle him like a baby.  When they were still living at home you'd hear how he was the cutest dog in the whole world about a hundred times a day and then he'd be squeezed and snuggled and adored.  We've all had it pretty good! 

He was renowned for his laziness.  He would sit down during sock tug-of-war battles.  You could do most anything to him while he laid there and as long as it didn't hurt he'd go limp and let you.  That was pretty amusing sometimes!  If he got tired during a walk he'd lay down.  Short of dragging him by the neck, you'd get to carry him from there. 

He never learned to play fetch.  Bruiser is a natural born tease.  You'd throw his toy, he'd run to get it and then try to lure you into chasing him to get it from him.  He simply would not play normal fetch!  EVER!  That concept flew in the face of his basic personality!

He doesn't like things poking his feet.  I remember taking him for walks and he'd gingerly hop over crab grass growing in the cracks of the sidewalks.  I tried taking him into a field to run.  I'd done that with all my other dogs and they loved it.  Well, Bruiser didn't love it.  He sat down and refused to so much as walk!  I had to finally give up and carry him back to the car. 

Bruiser likes the life of luxury.  He is picky about his food.  It's been hard over the years to get him to switch dog foods.  I've been successful but sometimes he'd go for days without eating because it wasn't the right food in his dish.  He loves to be snuggled in his bed with fresh sheets.  He prefers inside to outside most of the time.  There were many times when I'd have him out with me while I worked in the yard and he'd sit at the top of the stairs crying to go inside. 

Bruiser doesn't like to be messed with.  If you do, you will hear, loudly, about his unhappiness!  I have been told not to bring him back to a couple of grooming places.  He has embarrassed me by howling over a toenail trim so loudly that you could hear him in the front of the store.  He has carried on so badly at the vets that they've been sure something must be horribly wrong with him.  I have to reassure them that he's just a drama queen and he's actually fine.  He cries thru baths and haircuts and toenail trims.  Vet visits...put him down and he runs for the door.  Let's just say he isn't fond of the vet :)  They mess with him too much and that's not tolerable!

I'll be messing with him tonight.  Hopefully he won't mind it too much!  It's my last chance so I plan to enjoy it!

The end is near: Wednesday

I'm squirming.  I'm stressed.  I'm also tired because Bruiser was fussy last night.  I overslept and got to work late.  I'm yawning.  I'm depressed. 

Tonight I'm taking the night off from this.  I'm going to try anyway.  I will notify the rest of the people tomorrow via email and phone call.  Tonight I will rake leaves and decorate for Halloween.  I'll give Bruiser a bath because his butt looks a bit messy.  He'll feel better getting freshened up.  Will probably bound around the house a bit!  I will watch Survivor and American Horror Story.  Maybe I will order a pizza so no one has to cook?  Good thought.  Going to make tonight as normal as possible.

I paid for the euthanasia last night after work.  Tried to be cool and failed miserably again.  The girl cleaning the windows was staring at me as I drove away.  I don't feel very tough lately.  I'm tired and my emotions are spilling all over the place.   

Glad I had errands to run after.  I got a new iphone so that distracted me for quite a while last night. 

I feel trapped.  If I decide to run from this he will have a hard winter, being cold and crying at night.  We won't get any sleep in the house and Lacey will be cleaning up poop and pee off my new floors and trying to manage him on top of dealing with my granddaughter.  He will continue to decline.  Doing it now saves this from going into a downhill spiral, which it will.  I've lived with his dementia long enough to know that and finally accept it.  It's not going to get any better from here on out.  But it makes me feel trapped to know this.  That's why I'm squirming.  I'm still looking for an escape route and there isn't one.  I will have to say good-bye to him.  Sooner or later I will.  Sooner is better when I consider the ramifications of later for him and for his family. 

I'm adding to this as I go thru the day.  Right now I'm in panic mode...heart racing and fighting tears.  Had a dismal month of billing at work, which is depressing on a lot of levels.  There's a lot of pressure at work to get $ in the door.  And then a friend posted that her dog had just died in her arms and how much she misses her.  It made me feel sick inside cause I'm next. 

I have wanted to avoid that pain of this.  I still do.  I talk about embracing it but it's hard to keep my grip on that.  I know I will have to let him go.  He is an old dog.  He can't live forever.  Logically I know I'm going the right thing.  I know this is a peak, so to speak, and it's a downhill slide from here that won't be fun for any of us, including my pup.  But I don't want to say good-bye.  It hurts.  This visceral reaction is really hard to manage in some moments. 

Writing about it is helping some.  It helps me sort my thoughts out and get logic in the forefront, ahead of emotion.  That is a job right now. 

I'm not advertising my blog thru this.  It's too depressing and painful and I feel like that would be sensationalizing the situation for attention.  I'm not doing this for attention.  I'm doing this to try to keep my head on straight.  If someone ever finds this who's been thru it or is going thru it, at least they will know someone else went thru it too.  Not sure that's a comfort.  Seeing Minerva grieving her pup isn't helping me with mine.  It just adds to the panic reaction.  But anyway, like I said, this is helping me get my shit together.  Over and over during the day.  Because I get a grip and then I lose it.  I suspect this will get worse and be practically unlivable by Friday.  I gotta try to keep it together.  I gotta.

The end is near: Tuesday

Know what?  It's fucked up to know when your pet is going to die.  Totally fucked up!

I also want to know if I'm a total wuss.  I've been crying a lot.  I try to tell myself he's just a dog but he's more than that.  He's a family member.  I feel like such a big baby.  One thing about Bruiser is that he brings out a ton of feelings in me!

I've felt like a crybaby: 

On several of my sleepless nights, listening to him yodel and cry, I would cry.  Because of desperation and self pity.  I was so exhausted and frustrated and just completely out of my league with trying to manage him.

I've felt murderous: 

On a couple nights where he wanted to go in and out repeatedly during the wee hours and it was raining and I couldn't find my slippers so got to go in and out in the cold and wet in my bare feet (cause I was just too shot to try to fumble around in the dark looking for flips with a yowling dog tucked in my arm) and how he wanted to bark and I didn't want him to wake up the whole house...I had evil thoughts...like how I would like to strangle him right there or taking off and dumping him in a field and be done with the whole awful mess.  I'll be honest...I hated him in those moments.  With an abiding passion.  

I feel sorry for him: 

I watch him wander around the house with his head down, not paying much attention to anything and I feel sorry for him because his life isn't as good as it was.  I remember when he was so feisty.  He was such an annoying pain in the ass with his need for attention!  Now when I reach to pet him, he flinches away and speeds up his walk to get away.  I know not to take it personally.  It's part of the dementia.  He rarely seeks out human contact anymore.  I miss my feisty Bruiser.  I do see feisty Bruiser briefly here and there and it's always a welcome thing. 

I feel mean, cruel, evil, awful: 

When I have to put meds in his eyes and he cries.  I feel mean tho I'm trying to help.  It doesn't hurt him.  I've had to do it so many times that he doesn't tolerate it well any more.  He's tired of it.  He doesn't want me messing with his eyes anymore.  I'm sorry I have to do it.  He'd feel bad if I didn't. 

Let's not even mention that I'm going to kill him in a few days.  You can call it nicer things but that's what I'm doing.  Talk about feeling mean!  I feel horrid and evil!  Holy crap!  It feels like total shit even if it's saving him a miserable winter and more physical/mental decline (which might kill me if I have an accident because I fall asleep driving to work - already finding errors I don't usually make at work - not good).  Not to mention that his family needs some sleep at night...

I feel frustrated: 

I watch him eat and within a short period, get confused and get mad at me because he's sure it's breakfast or supper time and why won't I feed him?  I get frustrated - being barked at isn't nice - I accuse him of people abuse - but I know he can't help it. 

I see him show interest in his surroundings sometimes and wish he could become young again and we could start over and have another 15 yrs.  Shit. 

I feel relief:

He doesn't seem to get stressed about the tree outside anymore.  Thunder doesn't terrorize him anymore. 

I worry: 

I worry when he bolts into things coming out of a sleep.  I worry when he tries to jump off the stairs or the bed.  He has hurt himself doing that when people didn't know to watch him.  He has no sense anymore. 

I worry because he has no way of protecting himself from my 3 yr old granddaughter.  She accidentally stepped on him a while back.  He was napping and couldn't hear that she was near.  He limped around for a bit after that. 

I'd worry that all this "startling" was taking a toll on his heart.  That won't be what does him in at least. 

I feel love:

He's my puppy.  He has beautiful big brown eyes.  They are clouded now with age.  I can't talk about this.  No crying at work.  I just love him.  Tons.

The end is near - Monday

Ok, this day started out pretty fantastic!  Bruiser let me sleep last night.  ALL NIGHT!!!  In fact, I woke up at 4 AM and wondered if he had died in his sleep!  I was peeking over the edge of my bed but couldn't see if he was breathing.  He looked comfy so I decided I didn't want to know until morning anyway and went back to sleep.  It was wonderful!  And there he was, right on time, letting me know it was time for breakfast and to go out!

I love freakish incidents like that!  I'm not crazy enough to expect it to continue but I certainly wouldn't complain if it did.

Got home and found out he didn't have any accidents in the house.  Bruiser has had a banner day!  I reminded him that he likes to be petted and he made a point of getting some loves here and there before he went back to bed.

Having a good night and day doesn't change the overall issues.  He has dementia.  He isn't going to improve.  So far he's pretty healthy physically.  Thing is, winter is coming hard and fast.  Had our first little spurt of snow today.  It didn't hit 40 that I'm aware of.  Bruiser was shivering but determined that he didn't want to wear his sweater.  He doesn't handle the cold well anymore.  He never did but last spring, it drug on and he really suffered.  So what's coming soon will make him suffer.

Today has been a good day with my pup.  I'm grateful for it!  I'd like a whole week of good days so here's hoping!

Today was rather slow at work so I took some time to ponder death.  It's been a process but I'm ready to embrace it and acknowledge that it's part of life.  It's hard.  I think most of us try to run from death.  Well who wants to die?  I kept thinking how my aversion to it was bordering on utter stupidity when I'm walking around like a half zombie from lack of sleep for weeks on end.  It's that powerful survival instinct.  Even when it comes to those we love...it definitely extends beyond ourselves.  BUT we all must die.  This cannot be avoided.  To learn to accept that is a long, painful road sometimes.

When I pick it apart logically I understand that Bruiser will never be young again.  He will never howl with his pack because he doesn't hear us.  And he just doesn't do that anymore.  Bruiser doesn't play anymore.  Hasn't since Penelope was quite a bit smaller.  He did have fun teasing her with his little narly red tiger toy.  He'd put it in front of him, butt up and wait for her to take it.  She'd take it and then he'd gently take it back (he has a soft mouth with the little ones) and start the process over again.  He's a natural born tease so this game worked really well for him!  Those times were the last I recall him showing interest in play.  Bruiser doesn't run anymore - except for a few steps after a bath - that invigorates him.  He doesn't greet anyone with excitement tho he will sometimes wander out to see what's going on if he figures out someone is here.  He doesn't go for walks because it hurts and he limps and walks very, very slowly.

Right now he's physically in decent shape for an almost 15 yr old.  He is mostly deaf.  He is losing his vision.  He has aches and pains but his coat shines and he eats well and he looks pretty handsome for an old pup.  It will go downhill from this moment.  His mind is not good.  I think he knows us but I couldn't swear to it.  But I think he does.  Lately he's shown more interest in people, meaning he comes out and sits and looks at us briefly sometimes and then goes back to bed.  He paces.  That's also part of the dementia but it's some sort of exercise so I'll take it!  His life is a sliver of what it was.  I've done my best to keep him as comfortable and cared for as I can.  I think I've been pretty successful!  But like I said, things will only get worse.

So right now, Lacey & I are sleep deprived.  Lacey is cleaning up messes in the house on a regular basis no matter how often he is let out.  He cries a lot.  It's getting colder.  This is like a high point for him compared to the coming months.  I'd rather let him go before he has to suffer thru the cold and before we have to have some more serious problem because of lack of sleep.  Today I did some really stupid stuff at an intersection and Lacey & I laughed but honestly it shows how distracted I am at this point.  It's not good.

Lacey & I had errands to run so I debated making the call to the vet to set up Bruiser's appt.  I decided to just get it done.  I called and was pretty cool as I told them that I wanted to schedule a euthanasia appt for Bruiser.  They asked me about disposing of his body and some other nice services they offer and I lost it.  They were very kind and understanding.  I asked them if I could pre-pay for the services and they said that was fine so I will take care of that tomorrow.

I hung up and cried.  They have taken good care of him his whole life.  For all my bitching about costs they have helped me manage his various issues over the years and put up with his drama queen antics whenever we went in.  I have had some laughs over his antics at the vet's office!  Friday will be quick so he won't have time to get wound up. For that I'm grateful.

So tonight after I returned from errands I was washing the dishes and crying.  I'm crying as I write this.  It's therapy.  It helps me sort out my thoughts.  I can be super logical but that old emotional side won't let me off the hook.  So I know it's the right thing to do.  Doesn't make it less painful.

I wish I could get into my E drive and post some older pics of my pup but my cable appears to be crapped out.  Sadly I don't have a lot of older pics from that drive.  I pulled some of these off my facebook.  Here are some of my photo memories of life with Bruiser...

howling with his Lee Lee

cuddling with his boy

road trip to Stillwater

snuggles with his Lacey Belle

saying hi to his little buddy Einstein

looking gorgeous back in the day

snuggling with his candy cane and tiger toys

taking over my spot when I got up

hanging out with his little buddy Rex

me and Bruiser

 

sleeping next to Penelope - yes she's sleeping like that

being all sassy-like!

snuggle time with Ken

 

snuggling with his boy - he's a master snuggler

 

the kids with Bruiser his 1st Xmas with us

kids with Bruiser his last Xmas with us

on a road trip - he loves a good road trip!

The end is near - Sunday

It's Sunday AM.  I've given up on sleep and want to write what I'm thinking.  The decision has been made.  I will put Bruiser down this coming Friday.  After all these years with my pup I'm going to need some days to myself to grieve after the deed is done, so will do it at the start of the weekend.  And I'm making sure to have nothing planned this coming weekend.

Lacey and I have discussed it.  I discovered that he's been having accidents in the house almost daily this past week.  She's been cleaning up after him.  That's a sign the weather is getting too cold for him.  She's been home when he's had some of these accidents.  He doesn't like being cold so you put him out, he cries to come in fairly quickly and then proceeds to go potty in the house, where it's warm.  Not ok.  I went thru this last spring when the winter didn't want to end.  He just stopped going potty outside for a while.  It was very frustrating!

Twice yesterday he woke from a sleep and bolted into the file cabinet.  He startles sometimes, even when he's sleeping and when Bruiser startles he runs.  He did it once earlier in the day.  I was on the computer and heard him bolt and crash.  Then Lacey was in the room with me later and he did it again.  She hadn't known about his waking up startled from dreams or whatever and running into things like that.  He doesn't even cry about that.  He just shakes it off and goes back to bed.

Yesterday my Dad and niece were over to visit briefly and he seemed interested.  He walked thru the kitchen a couple times and I think he even stopped by Amanda to say hi.  It was good to see him showing some interest in things!  Made me a little sad too.  The days with him aren't as bad.  You get the illusion, aside from the accidents and the occasional startled crashing into things, that he's not doing so bad.  He is well fed, but not overweight, and looks good for an old man.  His coat is shiny.  His spine sticks out but that's from loss of muscle mass because he sleeps all the time now.  He seems a bit swayback behind his shoulders but it doesn't seem to bother him.  So to look at him you'd think I was being cruel to consider what I'm planning.  He looks like a healthy animal.  But his mind isn't so good now and that's the problem.

This dementia started years ago.  I recognized some strange things with his behavior and googled it looking for a solution.  He had his days and nights somewhat turned around for a long time, but it wasn't constant then like it is now.  Plus his strange little obsessions and stressors.  He'd fret and cry over walking by a tree in our yard.  He was scared of the stairs.  That's when I discovered how many symptoms he had of Canine Cognitive Disfunction or essentially doggy dementia.  This is where he's at now.  Back then he only had a few.  The list has grown.  And add that his right front leg sometimes decides not to support him.  Appears to be a separate issue...

• Becomes lost in familiar places around the home or backyard YES (luckily this doesn't happen often but I've seen him become confused in places that should be rote by this stage, like almost walking off the top of the stairs)
• Becomes trapped behind familiar furniture or in room corners NO (haven't seen this happen)
• Has trouble finding and using doors and negotiating stairways YES
• Does not respond to her name or familiar commands YES (deafness)
• Is withdrawn and unwilling to play, go for walks, or even go outside YES (he doesn't play)
• Does not recognize or is startled by family members, toys, etc. YES (he startles often but I think he knows us...I think)
• Frequently trembles or shakes, either while standing or lying down YES
• Paces or wanders aimlessly throughout the house YES
• Has difficulty learning new tasks, commands, or routes YES
• Frequently soils in the house, regardless of the frequency she is brought outside YES
• Sleeps more during the day, less during the night YES
• Stares at walls or into space and is startled by interior lighting, the television, etc. YES
• Seeks less and less of your attention, praise, and play YES
• Is hesitant to take treats, drink fresh water, or eat fresh food NO (he does like to eat!)

It helped to understand what was going on.  I was more patient with him because of it.  

At this point it has escalated so that he cries off and on EVERY night.  He sleeps pretty peacefully all day but at night, he cries and sleeps and cries and sleeps.  I've finally come to accept that there is nothing I can do to ease this.  I've tried putting him to bed with me.  He cries and fusses and then tries to jump out of the bed (which would hurt him).  I cover him up.  He gets out of the covers.  Don't know if that's because he's restless or too hot.  I tried feeding him more.  I turned the heat up. I let him in and out during the wee hours.  I pet him to co comfort him.  I try not to disturb him.  I got him a nightlight because he might be afraid of the dark.  Seemed to work for a couple nights but then no apparent effect.  

Now I just get thru the night and try to keep him as comfortable as possible.  It was hard to face another week of this.  I'm fairly exhausted!  Last Friday I felt like a zombie.  Work nights are the worst because I need to be at work early to cover phones but on weekends I can sleep in a bit to help take the edge off.  Fridays are my bad days.  Cumulative sleep deprivation piles up on me on Fridays.  

But I see an end in sight so I will be as patient as I can and get thru this week.  It's like having a baby in the house. Only this baby won't ever learn to sleep thru the night again.  I needed the timing to be right.  This is as right as I can make it.  

It still hits me sideways sometimes.  I know that next weekend will be rough.  But I also feel like I'm making the right decision.  He is a little old man.  He won't get younger.  The problems we have now will only escalate as it grows colder outside and he gets older.  His dementia has devolved to a point where it's taking a toll on me and my ability to function during the day.  He has become increasingly isolated because of the dementia, the deafness and now his vision is beginning to fail.  He has age related eye degeneration.  He lives in a world where he shuffles thru from meal to meal, he sniffs things, he sees people around him that he may or may not recognize, but doesn't think to seek us out and we startle him when we touch him to pet him.  At least we understand and hold him long enough so that he remembers that he likes being petted.  He does like being petted when you can remind him.  

He has had a great life!  He was been well loved by many.  He has been an entertaining little character that broke the mold for me.  I had dogs my whole life but never one like him.  There will never be another like him.  I may never have another dog after him.  Seems kind of pointless when you've had the best!

Tonight will be the family Sunday dinner over at Lee's house.  I'm looking forward to enjoying a meal with my kids!  But I will also poop on the celebration by telling them what's going to happen on Friday.  I was debating about saying anything until after the deed was done but Lacey said it would hurt their feelings because he's their dog too and she's right.  (She'd say "of course I am!")  I will let them decide if they want to join me to send him off.  I will call the vet to set it up this week and ask if I can pre-pay for the service since I don't want to stand there paying the bill after when I'll be a mess.  I want to go in and get out and go back home to curl up in a ball.  I don't want people staring at me.  

We went thru this with Snickers when I had to put him down.  I had kids crying and hanging on me while I paid the bill.  I was crying too.  And the folks waiting to go next were all staring at us.  I just don't want to do that again, tho I don't think my kids will hang on me crying this time (there's a bit of humor if you visualize that!)

Since I'm familiar with how this goes, tho luckily it's been years, I've warned Lacey how she will feel haunted.  I will feel haunted.  Like with Snickers, I kept expecting him to rub up against my leg.  And he wasn't there.  How this will play out with Bruiser I don't know but it will take us a while.  Lacey was trying to imagine this house without him since he's been here almost since the beginning.  It'll be strange!

Sometime after I tell my kids I'll post this so those others who know him will know.

Update on the little old man and this one isn't sad! (promise!)

My last blog was an emotional one.  Sorry about that but it's always hard to lose a family member, including the furry ones.  Bruiser is still with us and is feeling better after his recent vet trip.  I could swear he read my blog and is making an effort to act more interested in what his people do!  And to be peskier. 

Our trip to the vet was more typical that I'd hoped it would be.  I figured since he's been feeling so punky he wouldn't be such a pain about seeing the vet.  I was totally incorrect with that assumption!  I carried his sad little self in and sat him on my lap.  He cried quietly.  I cuddled him.  He wriggled to get down so I put him down.  He went to the door because he wanted to leave.  That was a familiar move.

Then we get into the exam room (had to carry him in because he dug in and short of dragging/strangling him that was the only way) and the vet checks his eyes.  She puts little papers under his lower lid to check if his eyes are tearing.  He cries and struggles.  We ignore him.  His eyes are tearing just fine so what's going on in his eye is an infection rather than lack of tears.  She puts some green drops in to stain his cornea to make sure he doesn't have any damage.  Then she drops some water in to clear the green stain (it wasn't any more painful than when the docs put that yellow stuff in our eyes).  Bruiser is now carrying on like he's being tortured.  It's getting hard to talk to the vet and hear what she's saying.  She calls in help because she thinks he's feeding off my energy (which is amused and a bit embarrassed - I watch Dog Whisperer!) and the vet asst. snuggles him close.  He continues to bray.  I feel a bit of satisfaction that it didn't work.  It's not me!  Luckily no damage to his cornea so I take him back out to wait for his prescriptions and find some wide eyed people sitting in the waiting room with their upset pups.  I smirk a bit and explain "eye drops".  Bruiser is a major drama queen.  MAJOR.  This has not changed at all. 

So his bad eye cleared up real quick and he got back to being his rather pesty self.  Barking at me while I soak in the tub.  Barking at nothing for no apparent reason.  Trying to sneak into Penelope's room when Lacey's trying to get her to sleep.  Eating everything in sight and yet his bony spine sticks out...go figure.  And last night, the Pièce de résistance, crying most of the night so that I don't get any sleep.  I even took him to bed with me in desperation (and realized he REALLY NEEDS A BATH!!  Pew!)  He futzed around even with that option so had to put him back down when he tried to jump off the bed around 3 AM.  He has all day to rest up so he can potentially do it to me again.  Yay.  (Please kill me now)  Last night I realized there are some plus sides to being pet less.  I have a right to be grumbly!  I get crabby when I don't get any sleep.  Bruiser, if you're reading this, pay heed! 

He has a "stay" for now for several reasons.  #1 I'm not ready yet.  #2 I'm too poor to pay to have anything done and #3 I've managed to get myself back into a state of semi-denial of facts of life and I like it that way.  Real life sucks sometimes so I like to avoid it when possible.  Sandpaper eyes suck  also.  Just saying... 

So today I'm having yet another slow day at work...just sitting here nursing my sandpaper eyeballs and feeling generally crabby about most everything.