I'm a DIY Queen!!

I'm tired after my day of DIY queen work so probably should be going to bed instead of writing this but what the hell, I don't always use my best judgement!

Let me tell you the tale of my kitchen floor.  15 years ago I bought this mobile home.  When I walked into the place I hated it!  I really did!  It had horrific wallpaper all over the place.  My first instinct was I hated the dividing wall between the living room and kitchen and wanted to knock it down.  Walked around into the corner and realized that wasn't possible.  But decided that the price was right (enough) and it would work.  So I bought it.

When it was mine I finally removed a floor mat that had been sitting in front of the fridge to find, to my horror, a badly patched section of linoleum flooring.  Fuckers!  Back then I didn't have squat for money.  Was busy raising 3 kids so financing home improvement projects wasn't high on my list of priorities.  So for years and years I kept a mat over that spot.  And over those years that spot turned into a crack that finally extended almost the entire width of my kitchen.  So had rugs.  And gorilla tape (extra strong tape, stronger that duct tape!) to keep it from cracking even worse.  Sort of helped.

Then came the day when the kids were all grown and I wanted to sell the house and be freer with my life options.  And it was long past time to deal with the floor.  I'd always planned to fix it over the years but never got around to it.  There was always something more important for money/resources to go to.  Now the time had come if I wanted to sell it.  Who wants a house with a cracked up kitchen floor?  Not me!


So here's the plan.  Fix the existing floor by patching it so that it qualifies as a waterproof barrier.  THEN put a new floor down on top of that.  I plan to put in a floating linoleum floor.  Kind of like click flooring but instead of the "click" it has a strip of glue so each piece adheres to the next instead of the floor.  So when I'm done with this it'll be kind of a double waterproof floor, at least up to the cupboard edges and then single underneath.  I'm taking pictures as I go to prove to any inspector, if there is one, that my house is up to code under the new floor. 

My mobile home was built in an interesting way.  Maybe they all are.  Probably.  Anyway, they slap down the floor and then set walls and cupboards on top of it.  From what the MH supply company tells me, I'm supposed to have a waterproof barrier to be up to code.  So having this big old crack in the kitchen floor is a problem!  And cutting the crappy linoleum away from the edges of the cupboards would negate any waterproof barrier qualities it has.  So I decided to google how to repair a linoleum floor and ta-da!  There was a fix and it didn't look to hard!  It left me feeling like an idiot for not doing this years ago too.  Bleah. 

It was rather fun getting the materials!  Told the guys at Menards that I needed a 1 ft X 12 ft strip of their cheapest linoleum.  They looked at me funny.  I told them it was just a patch and didn't need to be pretty.  Believe me, it isn't!  Ran all over the place looking for a heat gun.  No one seemed to know where they had them but all were sure they had them.  Finally found them over by paint supplies.  Just so you know for future reference.

I got adhesive and seam sealer.  I got a new box cutter (kind of excited about that!  I like knives!)  I got some leather gloves since I couldn't find "heat resistant" gloves.  (They worked just fine)  

That's the back story to my day today.  Today I started the project.  First I removed all the rugs.  And then it was time to remove the gorilla tape.

this is the floor with gorilla tape on it

Removing the gorilla tape didn't go well.  That shit sticks like a mo-fo!!  Ended up tearing my floor even worse that it was, taking it off!  This caused me to adapt my plans.  It'd planned to do a thin strip patch.  Instead, decided to do pretty much a full 1ft wide patch to try to eradicate all the tape damage.

the gorilla tape took layers off the flooring underneath and tore the flooring off to the side in a couple spots

here's the original square that I inherited with the house

The instructions said to lay the patch down and cut along it to create a perfect template.  This sound easy right?  Weirdly, making that first cut was an emotional bitch!  I felt strangely traumatized cutting into my floor!  It freaked me out!  But I dug deep and I did it.  It had to be done!

And I had to cut and cut and cut till my hands hurt!  Probably 10 ft long on 2 side and cutting thru 2 pieces of linoleum so had to apply some pressure.  Awkward and not as easy as I thought it would be! 

The glue was so bad under most of it that it lifted off quite easily.  I did need the heat gun & putty knife for the square portion the previous owner had glued on.  That heat gun was rather cool!  The adhesive didn't put up much of a fight once that was applied!

It already looked better just getting that crappy linoleum off!  I was feeling pretty good at this point.  My neck was also hurting and I was also sick of crawling around on the floor, but that was beside the point.  

 I'd come to the conclusion, earlier, that this wasn't going to be a one night job.  But at least I could get the biggest chunk done.  The glue needs to set up for 24 hrs before I can pull the fridge out to work on the last section so round 2 will commence either tomorrow or Monday night. 

Then fun times with glue began!  It seemed so logical and simple in the instructions!  In reality, HOLY SHIT is that stuff sticky and icky!!!  Instructions say that if some of the adhesive oozes out onto the floor to just wipe it up with a paper towel.  What it does not tell you is that your fingers will be sticky from said glue and the paper towel will stick to said sticky fingers and as you work your fingers will become a literal gluey, sticky papery disaster area!  It also says to put down some wax paper and use a seam roller to smooth the seams.  Well, I got the bright idea to save a few pennies and use my granite rolling pin as a seam roller.  I may have cost myself a granite rolling pin with that brilliant judgement call!  Here's what REALLY happens!  You put down the wax paper and start rolling.  The wax paper promptly wraps itself around your rolling pin and glue squeezes out and you're wiping and then trying to get the paper off your gluey fingers and then you're taking your gluey papered hands and grabbing your sticky box cutter to trim the floor because, guess what?  Linoleum "RELAXES"!!  Ken told me this after I bitched about having to re-trim the damned edges TWICE during the gluing process.  So now I have bits of linoleum stuck to my papered gluey fingers.  And my rolling pin isn't faring a lot better! 

I pushed on thru.  I had to pause regularly to pry the glue/paper/linoleum off my fingers.  Then go reapply.  Finally it was glued down and flush with the existing floor!  Bowing to applause here!  Thank you!  Thank you very much!!

See?  I told you it wasn't pretty!

The bags are rock salt in ziplocs to put a little weight on certain areas that weren't committed to staying put

I'd be in big trouble if this had to be pretty.  What you can't see is that there is some smeary glue stuff around the edges that I'm hoping I can get off later for a professional finish.  If I can't?  Pfft!  It's going to be hidden under a new floor in another month anyway!

Now I don't touch it for 24 hrs.  Then I will cut and lay down another patch.  After that sets I'll seal the edges and it will be waterproof like it has never been the entire time I've lived here.

Now I have peeled most of the adhesive off my hands.  The rest will wear off in time.  I'm almost recovered from crawling around on my floor for hours.  Almost.  I get a 24 hr vacation now!  WOOT WOOT!!  I'm going to go off and wallow in my DIY Queen glory now.  TTFN! 

It's now Monday night (that was Sat) and I've just finished cutting and pasting the last piece in.  Let it set up for 24 hrs then seal all the seams and it's waterproof!  I'm so happy it's all cut and in now.  The rest is cake!

 

 

fridge is pulled out and time to cut the last piece!

DONE!  And I even pattern matched :)

Crying at work is NOT ALLOWED!!!

I have had such a bitch of a time with myself recently!  I'm hormonal.  As in the dreaded PMS <think that word loudly, with reverb>.  Generally I'm not so affected but the past few days, yesterday in particular, have been a hormonal nightmare!

To clarify, PMS stands for PRE-mentrual syndrome!  PRE being the operative word!  This is the time before Auntie Flo comes to visit, when you become moody/snarly, can eat endlessly and never be full, you bloat (could it be from the incessant eating?) and you cramp and your boobs get bigger and get sore and your clothes get tight and you retain water like a mo-fo.  Some months I actually look forward to Aunt Flo's visit!  When AF shows up I relax...almost to a puddle state and become human again.  Aside from peeing out all the fluids you previously retained (imagine trips to the bathroom every 5 fucking minutes), it's that time before AF shows up that can be so, so NOT fun! 

This weekend I wasn't fit to be around people and mostly managed to keep to myself.  I was in snarly, bitchy mode.  I watched Seven Psychopaths and then went on an unpublished rant about the psychos I know.  Well, it was published for a few minutes and then I took it back.  Because I think I came off a little psycho.

My daughters were allowed into my circle of trust because they are also suffering with the dreaded PMS <reverb>.  Apparently my granddaughters have it too because when their Mom came over to visit, the girls started in on their "I want" lists and high drama ensued!  Lots of "MOM!"  "MOM!" "MOM!" and sobbing dramatically and stomping around.  Lee (my daughter) and I caught each others eye over my granddaughter's head (I'd been hunkering down hoping the drama would miss me) and read each others minds in an instant.  We both thought "WTF?????" with a little side of "kill me now please!" thrown in for good measure.  Then the beer began to flow.  Well, a couple beers worth anyway since we aren't all that fond of hang-overs or peeing all night. Couple days later my daughter Lacey came for a visit, bringing chocolate cake to celebrate my belated b'day and soothe our raging hormones.  It worked!  Had some laughs, danced with Penelope and commiserated on how is sucks to be a girl sometimes. 

Then came the dreaded MONDAY.  Seriously!  I was dreading damned Monday on Sunday, all day long!  I even posted this picture as my profile pic as a dark omen of what was to come.  (Maybe I cursed myself?)

Got to work and found that my front office co-workers were BOTH out sick...with the freaking plague from the sound of it!  I hope we aren't in for round 2 of the flu bug at work.  I got off pretty light last time and thought I was safe.  Dammit!!  Anyway, this meant that I'd need to cover phones, figure out where the mailbox was (new building/office, etc) and make checks as needed.  Also felt compelled to stay until the doors automatically locked at 5 since it felt a bit vulnerable leaving the place with no one up front to take deliveries, hold off the barbarians and what not.

Ok.  Doing fine so far at this point.  Was too busy to empty the dishwasher so left it full of clean dishes.  Figured someone else would take care of that.  Sat down to work on submitting some invoices to a client through their software per their request.  Our project manager was on the road so got him to send me his password and got into the program.  Figured out how to upload them and felt pretty proud of myself!  Chased around after this and that. I was taking care of business!

Got an email from the client that I'd submitted the invoices incorrectly.  He sent me a 44 page booklet on how to do this.  (sound of head hitting desk here)  I tried to follow the instructions but the stuff I was supposed to see and select was sadly absent.  I DID NOT want to call the client again to ask for help.  I felt like an idiot but I didn't want to let him in on that.  I was fighting back tears!  This is where PMS can sometimes kick me in the balls, if I had any.  It makes stuff that normally wouldn't phase me, into something that brings on waterworks and makes me want to run home and crawl into bed and hide! I decided to take a lunch break (aka mental health break) and get back at it after.

After lunch I took my dirty dishes into the lunch room to put them in the dishwasher.  The dishwasher was still full and the sink was now full of dirty dishes.  I grumbled mentally and started to unload the clean dishes.  Then I discovered that not only had they not emptied the clean dishes, they'd put their dirty dishes in with the clean dishes AND left a pile in the sink to boot!  Damn!  I forgot that I was the fucking maid that day! 

It took me a while but I got myself under control finally.  Well, maybe not "under control"...what I did was vent to my girlfriend that I was going to update my resume and start job hunting in some very colorful language!  It sort of helped.  Until I tried the client's software again.  After fighting back tears, I called the director of the company to see if he had experience with the software because I was tired of looking like boob in front of our client!  I needed someone to save me!  Luckily this was a good move because the ID I was using didn't have access to the data I was looking for!  We finally got it rolling, the invoices got uploaded AND approved!  I toddled out the door at 5.  I made it!  I didn't cry at work!  (mostly)

Got home late and was rewarded by a nasty odor when I opened the front door.  Bruiser had crapped all over the place.  Kind of expected that since he doesn't tolerate my lateness well but as icing on the cake of my work day, it sucked!  So I got busy cleaning up the mess and using some Pine Sol to clean and freshen the air.  While I was doing this, Bruiser began to barf.  They act kind of like a cat getting ready to toss up a hairball.  It's not nice!  I grabbed him and made a run for the front door and only ended up spreading the "joy" around on the carpet during our mad dash.  Lucky for me I already was in cleaning mode!


After the air was fresh enough that I could tolerate it, I ate the rest of the chocolate b'day cake cause dammit! I earned it!!  From what I hear from my friends on facebook, that may have contributed to my dreaming of taking bears tire shopping at Wal-mart. 

Lemonizing Ree's Sugar Biscuits

A couple weeks ago I tested one of Ree Drummond's recipes, Sugar Biscuits.  They were lovely, sweet buttery little iced biscuits.  Really yummy!  I woke up this morning, pining for sugar biscuits.  Sadly there were none to be had.  So it's baking time again!

Here the link to the recipe   http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2013/01/sugar-biscuits/


Ree suggests an option of adding lemon zest/juice to change up the flavors a bit. She suggested some others but read her blog to find out which...they also sound delicious.  I happen to LOVE baking with lemons so decided to bake some lemony ones up today!

Ignore my mixer...I never used it.  Here are the dry ingredients, "sifted".  I don't have a sifter so I used my wire whisk.  Works fine!

I decided to use 2 lemons.  Make sure you wash them before you zest them.  Stores put wax on them and you really don't want wax in your biscuits.

Zested lemons...ta da! If you haven't zested a lemon before, just be sure not to file away into the white part just under the surface.  That is bitter.  You just want the thin outer layer.  When I was doing this my house was full of lemony smells.  Part of the reason I LOVE baking with lemons!  They bring me joy...they smell good, they look pretty and they taste so yummy!

2 sticks of butter cubed.  That's where that lovely buttery flavor comes from!  Make sure the butter is cold.  If the butter melts it loses it's ability to make your dough light and fluffy.  I've made puff pastry before and the key is to keep the butter from melting as you work the dough and fold and fold.  Time consuming with all the stops to cool down but well worth it.  Same thing here, on a smaller, less anal scale.  

 Got my old pastry cutter out and ready to go to work!  I've had this little tool for oh, about 30 years now.  It's a well loved kitchen implement!

 The butter is cut into the dry ingredients.  It has a crumbly look. 

 Toss in the lemon zest...breath deep and enjoy that smell!

Add your heavy whipping cream...

 Stir it all up with a fork!  (I didn't need my mixer.  Sort of embarrassed that I dug it out and set it up.)

 Form dough into a ball.  Every time (both) that I've made these biscuits I've ended up adding more cream because I've found a bunch of flour when I start forming the dough into the ball.  It's a bit messy but hasn't seemed to affect flavors at all.  I try not to work the dough too much if I can help it.  My hands generate heat and I don't want to warm up the butter too much OR create too much gluten.  I want nice, light, melt in your mouth biscuits...not firm, chewy ones.

 Flour your surface and roll out your dough.  Keep it kind of thick. 

 Can you see the butter bits still showing in the rolled dough?  It's rather difficult to get a picture of it but you can see small butter pieces in the dough when you roll it out.  This is just what you want to see. 

 Biscuit cutter time!  You can place them fairly close together on the pan.  They don't spread out too much. 

They smelled so good when they were baking!!  I normally don't use a timer.  I typically bake by looks.  When they gained a slight golden color I pulled them out.  Last time I pulled them out when they were lighter and the less baked ones tended not to stand up to the frosting process as well.  These are delicate things!  I let them cool completely.  Went off to check facebook and wash dishes while I waited.

Next it's time for the glaze.  This part gets a little messy but if you're like me, you kind of like that!

Cut those lemons in half and juice the little buggers.  Once again, breathe deep and enjoy that lovely scent!

Once again, it turned out I didn't need the mixer for this either so please disregard the mixer!  Sigh.  I don't know why I keep expecting to use the mixer... 

Anyway, here's all the tasty ingredients for the icing...fresh squeezed lemon juice, 1% milk, vanilla, powdered sugar and a pinch of salt.  The recipe calls for whole milk, which I don't have.  1% will work fine.  Last time, since I had cream I thought I'd use that.  I needed a lot more cream than milk...it was quite thick!  I think it tasted a bit better so in the future I think I'll use cream.  This time I got just a bit under a 1/2 cup of lemon juice.  I added a 1/2 cup of milk and it came out with a decent consistency.  I'll get more into the importance of consistency in a few. 

 See?  No mixer!  The good old whisk does the trick!

 THIS is why consistency is so very important!  During my first attempt 2 weeks ago there were many casualties before I got the consistency right.  It needs to be fairly runny since the biscuits are delicate.  If it's too thick they are going to fall to pieces when you try to take them back out of the icing.  See the biscuit bits in that bowl?  Only lost 1 biscuit to this process this time!  And I ate it.  And it was delicious!!

If the icing is too thin, it will run off the biscuits.  Then just add some more powdered sugar to thicken it up a bit again.  Easy!

This is the messy/fun part!  Pick up each biscuit and dip the little bugger into that icing!  Hold it a little to let excess run off...

Set the iced biscuits on a wire rack, over a pan to catch drippings and allow the icing to set.  It takes a while.  I sampled some un-iced biscuits (the ones that didn't look like they'd survive icing) in the meantime and they were just as good as I remembered!  Light, buttery with a touch of lemon.  MMMMMM!!!