Life ain't a fucking fairy tale folks!

Read an article today.  (I’m Christian, unless you’re gay. ) It's pretty good!  Somewhat naive but I love the intent behind it.  It would be nice if people would behave that way.  Really, really nice!  But I'm cynical enough to believe that it is not realistic to think it will ever really happen.  People have a need to feel superior.  I shouldn't make blanket statements like that because not ALL people have a need to feel superior but I know some do...in a big way...and they will do anything to gain the status that they feel they deserve.  This requires them to put others down.  Even their own family members.  So if people can't even be kind to their loved ones I think it's expecting a bit much that they be kind to others who are even farther from their ideal of perfection. 

I used to have a stronger need to be superior or "win" than I do now.  I am competitive with my siblings and others but they are more interesting to compete with than others.  My siblings have beaten me down and I've rather given up on it for the most part.  I'm not going to win.  I don't even have the drive to try anymore!  So that's how I have less of a need than I used to...I gave up.

I do think I'm better than some people.  People who are cruel to animals and people who abuse children, etc...I feel I'm much better than they are.  I think some people have not earned the right to breathe the air because of the cruelties they have inflicted on others.  When I re-read that statement it pretty much sums up what I said earlier.  I think it's naive to think that people will be kinder and more understanding of others.  Who decides what is worth kindness and acceptance?

What if someone, a psychopath, feels compelled to torture and kill small animals?  It's a compulsion.  It's a mental illness.  Are we to hug them and say we love them?  The whole idea is tricky. If you're a true christian you will love them because God tells you you're supposed to.  He loves them.  If you're like me you question the wisdom in that.  I figure if God is there, let him love on them...I'm going to pass.  I tend not to love those who would willingly cause harm to others or myself.  I'm not that big inside.  Plus I have a strong survival instinct.

Which brings me to another point.  We have already become so nice that we put ourselves at risk.  We don't want to offend strangers so we shove down our natural instincts that tell us we should get away from people who aren't acting "right" and we end up being assaulted, robbed or raped.  Is it really good to not make spur of the moment judgments? Those judgments allow us to survive.  They have since the human race began.  Now our brains are telling us not to trust those instincts.  This could be a part of evolution that can be damaging to the human race.  Maybe we have evolved past the point of our best version.

It's rather hard to explain but it's kind of like economics and economies of scale.  In a really down & dirty example, at my job, the project groups we tend to do best at are the large ones that are repetitive - retail box stores that are all essentially the same with minor tweaks for site variations.  The first few tend to run over-budget while we get the hang of it.  After a while we get really good at it and are finding efficiencies and are making lots of money.  Then we start getting comfortable and we start getting sloppy because it's getting boring.  Mistakes are made and our profits dwindle.  Maybe the human race is like that?  Maybe we have been at this evolution thing long enough, expanding our biggest asset, our brains, so well, that we are forgetting some of the things that it evolved for in the first place.  To protect us.  We didn't have natural weapons.  We had our superior brains.  They helped us outsmart our competition.  Now they sometimes hand us to our competition...or our, perhaps, more animalistic human counterparts.  Perhaps this is our downfall? 

I think it's terrible that people are bullied for being different.  I feel for the folks who suffer.  We have brains that can help us recognize when something is unjust.  But so much goes into each individuals background that affects those judgments.  And haven't we all suffered? 

I am the child of a gay man who tried to be straight.  As non-PC as it is to say, I'm glad for the world he lived in at the time because it scared him enough to attempt to live straight and I got to exist.

He was a very unhappy man for many reasons, but suppressing his basic self and the shame he felt didn't help any.  As a result, I grew up with an angry, abusive father.  I've had a lot of baggage to work thru over the years.  At the end of it all, I see it as the price I had to pay to exist.  Life isn't easy.  Some have to pay a higher price than others.  And for every price there is a benefit if you think about it.  I learned how strong I was.  I learned to be suspicious enough to be a problem for people who like to take advantage.  I learned how hard I can be.  I learned how soft I can be.  I learned how to forgive and I learned compassion.  I learned to condemn.  Life is a complex thing.  And we grow from that.

I am still working thru the damages that were inflicted because I was born into a family that really shouldn't have been.  My Dad had no choice in being born gay.  He's still working thru the damages that were inflicted on him.  My Mother wasn't told that the man she was marrying wouldn't want her like she needed and deserved and that she would suffer emotional damage.  But this is the price we all paid.  In the end, my parents love us and wouldn't wish to undo us.  In the end, I would rather live and go thru those hard years than not exist.  This is life.  Life isn't easy.  No one ever said it was and why people keep thinking it should be boggles my mind some. 

I think we spend too much time thinking that life is supposed to be some fairy tale and feeling ripped off when it isn't.  Life ain't a fucking fairy tale folks!  It's like love...full of everything...the good, the bad and the ugly.  Love isn't a single feeling...it's a combination of lots of feelings.  People we love fill us with vast amounts of feelings.  Life is vast and complex also.  If we could stop wasting time feeling sorry for ourselves because our lives aren't like a story book and make the effort to find the good in our lives and keep our focus there it might solve some problems.  At least inside our own skins.  We can only change ourselves.  That is where everything starts.  If we spend all of our time trying to get others to do what we want, we will be in for vast disappointment.

wasting time

It's Friday and almost the end of the work day.  I'm mentally gone already and not under a deadline so figured I'd post again to pass some time.  It's a cold one again today...a whopping 9 degrees out.  Warmer than yesterday at least. 

We've had some snow and people are driving like utter retards again.  Getting to work was a cluster fuck this AM.  I detoured myself which helped.  Still took over twice as long as normal.  It wasn't a fun drive because my window wipers don't work very well on ice so I had to blast the defrost on high if I was going to be able to partially see where I was going.  I was roasting! 

The only reason I live in the northern Midwest is because I was born here and haven't had enough sense to leave yet.  I'm working on that.  Minnesota is gorgeous in the spring, summer and fall.  I've been in a number of states in the summer and haven't found any that really outshine this area for sheer beauty and climate in the summer.  It is lush.  Just enough humidity.  And so green!  I do love this state in the summer!  In the winter, not so much.  All winter long I dream of summer.  I'm dreaming of it right now.

Today I got new circuit breakers installed at work.  It was a hassle with an electrician wiring my office but so worth it!  I can now print AND have my space heater on simultaneously!  It is fantastic!!!  I will no longer have to freeze on heavy printing days!!  It still thrills me that I can print without shutting my heat off and my power won't go down.  I think it's a little sad that I'm so thrilled by that but there it is...I am!