I saw an article about a father who was walking his daughter
down the aisle at her wedding, who stopped and grabbed her step-father from the
side and had them both walk her down the aisle together since he felt that she
was “their” daughter. He saw the value
of the step parent in her life and made a beautiful acknowledgement of his
feelings about it. It’s a touching
story.
I am a single parent myself.
I raised 3 children mostly on my own. There were some step parents and
significant others involved also.
There were some key ideals that developed for me as I grew
into the role of a mother. One of the
first was that I was still me. I was a
mom but I was still just me. I would
fill many roles in life but at the core, I’m me.
When you have a baby, you fall in love in a BIG way that you
never expected. Until you experience it
yourself you can’t really understand what I’m talking about.
Loving someone that much can take you over. You can totally forget to take care of
yourself and your own needs for the sake of that child. It can become such a habit that you can
forget who you are. You can have that
moment, where you sit back and wonder what became of that person you were? Who am I?
I had that. I learned that I had
to be myself too, no matter how much I loved my child. That I had to separate to some extent. That I had to be selfish to some extent to
preserve myself. That I only have one
life to live and I had to live it for me.
That didn’t mean not considering others because if you want
a fulfilled life you have to consider the needs of those you love but at the
same time you have to always remember that YOU have to live in your skin and no
one else does and act accordingly. Never
settle for a mediocre life because the world decrees it be so. Always question why and determine your own
path. At least that’s my opinion on it
and that’s how I live my life. Outside
approval is not required. Nice but not
necessary.
That being said, I became very aware that my children were
also individuals of the same caliber as me.
You can’t become aware of yourself as an individual without
acknowledging that your children are also fully individual and autonomous. They will live a life that I can share parts
of but in the end it is their life to live, not mine. I cannot know how their life looks to them or
how it feels unless they choose to share that information. I’ll never truly know them any more than they
will truly know me. I had
responsibilities as their parent and one of the key responsibilities was to
raise them to go out into the world without me and live their lives as they see
fit, with or without my approval.
That’s a hard lesson!
We often want our kids to be like a second chance to do the things we
wish we could have done. Thing is, our
kids might not be interested.
I named my oldest with the name I did because I thought it
might trick people into thinking she could be male on a job resume and it might
help her get her foot in the door at a business in the future. Think I was projecting a wee bit about what I
wanted onto this little infant girl? Oh
hell yes I was! I still like the name
but that just shows how aware I am of how we sort of try to live thru our
children. I was using her to right a
wrong I felt had been done to me at the time with a name. I felt doors would be shut to me because I was
female and I projected that onto her. I
had a plan for her. I got educated. She taught me quickly that she was herself,
not a mini-me.
In my opinion, one of the main things about being a parent
is learning to let go. There is lots of
letting go involved in the job.
I never felt like my kids were truly "mine". I suppose that doesn’t make sense. Let me try to explain it a bit better. I felt like they were entrusted to me by fate
(and genetics and my fooling around), my responsibility to care for, until they
were ready to go out on their own. They
belonged to themselves. I had no
ownership. I was “gifted” with the
opportunity to be the one to help them grow up.
My primary job as their mother was to teach them what they needed to
know so that they could go forward in life without me.
The main difference about loving a child versus loving a
partner is that when you love a partner you tend to want to stay with them
forever. When you love a child you want
them to grow and go out into the world and make their own lives. One is about joining and the other is about
love leading to separation. Love has
different rules for different relationships.
In the parenting role, love is about letting go.
Another key part to letting go is learning to trust that others
can also love and care for your child. You
are not the end all and only one who can love your kids more than anyone else
can.
Understanding that other people bring knowledge and
abilities and experiences to your children that you cannot. Understanding that others providing things to
your child that you cannot, isn’t a failure on your part. It’s a wonderful thing! You can never have too many people who love
your children in your life!
Character does not just happen. It’s earned through experience. It grows from exposure to life and the people
in it. It comes from modeling
behavior. A kid being with a person they
admire and modeling the traits they most admire about that person.
I am eternally grateful to all the people who helped me
raise my kids! I did not do it
alone. There were their fathers, their grandparents, family
members and friends. There were step parents
and significant others involved. There
were babysitters and teachers and coaches.
There were neighbors and youth directors…I could go on. Many, many people loved my kids, took care of
them, taught them and helped them become the people they are today.
That story I mentioned at the beginning of this post
reminded me that I really am grateful to the many people who have loved my kids
and helped me raise them. They are all
grown up and I’m happy to say it worked out pretty damned well! We done good J
I’m also grateful for the many people who love my grandchildren
and are helping to raise them! You are much
appreciated!
