The end is near: Wednesday

I'm squirming.  I'm stressed.  I'm also tired because Bruiser was fussy last night.  I overslept and got to work late.  I'm yawning.  I'm depressed. 

Tonight I'm taking the night off from this.  I'm going to try anyway.  I will notify the rest of the people tomorrow via email and phone call.  Tonight I will rake leaves and decorate for Halloween.  I'll give Bruiser a bath because his butt looks a bit messy.  He'll feel better getting freshened up.  Will probably bound around the house a bit!  I will watch Survivor and American Horror Story.  Maybe I will order a pizza so no one has to cook?  Good thought.  Going to make tonight as normal as possible.

I paid for the euthanasia last night after work.  Tried to be cool and failed miserably again.  The girl cleaning the windows was staring at me as I drove away.  I don't feel very tough lately.  I'm tired and my emotions are spilling all over the place.   

Glad I had errands to run after.  I got a new iphone so that distracted me for quite a while last night. 

I feel trapped.  If I decide to run from this he will have a hard winter, being cold and crying at night.  We won't get any sleep in the house and Lacey will be cleaning up poop and pee off my new floors and trying to manage him on top of dealing with my granddaughter.  He will continue to decline.  Doing it now saves this from going into a downhill spiral, which it will.  I've lived with his dementia long enough to know that and finally accept it.  It's not going to get any better from here on out.  But it makes me feel trapped to know this.  That's why I'm squirming.  I'm still looking for an escape route and there isn't one.  I will have to say good-bye to him.  Sooner or later I will.  Sooner is better when I consider the ramifications of later for him and for his family. 

I'm adding to this as I go thru the day.  Right now I'm in panic mode...heart racing and fighting tears.  Had a dismal month of billing at work, which is depressing on a lot of levels.  There's a lot of pressure at work to get $ in the door.  And then a friend posted that her dog had just died in her arms and how much she misses her.  It made me feel sick inside cause I'm next. 

I have wanted to avoid that pain of this.  I still do.  I talk about embracing it but it's hard to keep my grip on that.  I know I will have to let him go.  He is an old dog.  He can't live forever.  Logically I know I'm going the right thing.  I know this is a peak, so to speak, and it's a downhill slide from here that won't be fun for any of us, including my pup.  But I don't want to say good-bye.  It hurts.  This visceral reaction is really hard to manage in some moments. 

Writing about it is helping some.  It helps me sort my thoughts out and get logic in the forefront, ahead of emotion.  That is a job right now. 

I'm not advertising my blog thru this.  It's too depressing and painful and I feel like that would be sensationalizing the situation for attention.  I'm not doing this for attention.  I'm doing this to try to keep my head on straight.  If someone ever finds this who's been thru it or is going thru it, at least they will know someone else went thru it too.  Not sure that's a comfort.  Seeing Minerva grieving her pup isn't helping me with mine.  It just adds to the panic reaction.  But anyway, like I said, this is helping me get my shit together.  Over and over during the day.  Because I get a grip and then I lose it.  I suspect this will get worse and be practically unlivable by Friday.  I gotta try to keep it together.  I gotta.

The end is near: Tuesday

Know what?  It's fucked up to know when your pet is going to die.  Totally fucked up!

I also want to know if I'm a total wuss.  I've been crying a lot.  I try to tell myself he's just a dog but he's more than that.  He's a family member.  I feel like such a big baby.  One thing about Bruiser is that he brings out a ton of feelings in me!

I've felt like a crybaby: 

On several of my sleepless nights, listening to him yodel and cry, I would cry.  Because of desperation and self pity.  I was so exhausted and frustrated and just completely out of my league with trying to manage him.

I've felt murderous: 

On a couple nights where he wanted to go in and out repeatedly during the wee hours and it was raining and I couldn't find my slippers so got to go in and out in the cold and wet in my bare feet (cause I was just too shot to try to fumble around in the dark looking for flips with a yowling dog tucked in my arm) and how he wanted to bark and I didn't want him to wake up the whole house...I had evil thoughts...like how I would like to strangle him right there or taking off and dumping him in a field and be done with the whole awful mess.  I'll be honest...I hated him in those moments.  With an abiding passion.  

I feel sorry for him: 

I watch him wander around the house with his head down, not paying much attention to anything and I feel sorry for him because his life isn't as good as it was.  I remember when he was so feisty.  He was such an annoying pain in the ass with his need for attention!  Now when I reach to pet him, he flinches away and speeds up his walk to get away.  I know not to take it personally.  It's part of the dementia.  He rarely seeks out human contact anymore.  I miss my feisty Bruiser.  I do see feisty Bruiser briefly here and there and it's always a welcome thing. 

I feel mean, cruel, evil, awful: 

When I have to put meds in his eyes and he cries.  I feel mean tho I'm trying to help.  It doesn't hurt him.  I've had to do it so many times that he doesn't tolerate it well any more.  He's tired of it.  He doesn't want me messing with his eyes anymore.  I'm sorry I have to do it.  He'd feel bad if I didn't. 

Let's not even mention that I'm going to kill him in a few days.  You can call it nicer things but that's what I'm doing.  Talk about feeling mean!  I feel horrid and evil!  Holy crap!  It feels like total shit even if it's saving him a miserable winter and more physical/mental decline (which might kill me if I have an accident because I fall asleep driving to work - already finding errors I don't usually make at work - not good).  Not to mention that his family needs some sleep at night...

I feel frustrated: 

I watch him eat and within a short period, get confused and get mad at me because he's sure it's breakfast or supper time and why won't I feed him?  I get frustrated - being barked at isn't nice - I accuse him of people abuse - but I know he can't help it. 

I see him show interest in his surroundings sometimes and wish he could become young again and we could start over and have another 15 yrs.  Shit. 

I feel relief:

He doesn't seem to get stressed about the tree outside anymore.  Thunder doesn't terrorize him anymore. 

I worry: 

I worry when he bolts into things coming out of a sleep.  I worry when he tries to jump off the stairs or the bed.  He has hurt himself doing that when people didn't know to watch him.  He has no sense anymore. 

I worry because he has no way of protecting himself from my 3 yr old granddaughter.  She accidentally stepped on him a while back.  He was napping and couldn't hear that she was near.  He limped around for a bit after that. 

I'd worry that all this "startling" was taking a toll on his heart.  That won't be what does him in at least. 

I feel love:

He's my puppy.  He has beautiful big brown eyes.  They are clouded now with age.  I can't talk about this.  No crying at work.  I just love him.  Tons.