Today has been a bitch.
Let me recap this past year quickly that leads up to this culmination. Last April my company fired my boss. I liked working for Charles. He valued my experience and wanted me to participate in decision making. He ran afoul of the powers that be tho and they cut him loose. I may have blogged about this at the time but it was painful for me. I was pretty hurt by a number of things that happened at that time. I don't want to rehash that.
Well I was told that a replacement was coming in to be my new boss. She was an expert in our accounting software, unlike Charles. I was excited to learn from her tho I also felt I'd suddenly become obsolete, since I was the go-to person up until that point, if you needed help with the software. So while I was sad about Charles I was excited about this new person coming on to show us a new way.
It didn't pan out like I'd hoped. Toni (new boss) did not care for me. I must admit the feeling was mutual. She and I would NEVER be friends in the "real" world. That aside, I tried to be professional about it. She felt she needed to stomp on my neck to remind me who was boss. I knew who was boss but apparently she didn't think I knew it well enough.
I've spent the past year with a churning stomach, forcing myself to go to work each day because I need the paycheck and I do like my other co-workers. As her abuse went on, I withdrew. I wondered what I had done? I thought I had done a great job for the company but this? Maybe this was their way of pushing me out the door? I felt the axe hovering. My stomach churned, my hands shook when I was responding to her all caps emails that implied she thought I was stupid. Over and over again. I hoped I could keep my job long enough!
I figured everyone else must love Toni and it was just me so for a long time I suffered in silence. I would try to be upbeat and positive dealing with her, knowing that I can't change others but I can change myself. I tried! She seemed to take my attempts to be friendly or human as invites to attack. I found that I didn't communicate with her any longer unless she initiated it because I couldn't bring myself to invite abuse. My hands would literally shake when I had to deal with her because I couldn't seem to manage my fight or flight response anymore. I began to worry if the stress level was going to have a negative impact on my health.
One day, after a particularly miserable week, I emailed my co-worker and dared to say I wished she was my boss instead of Toni. She used to be on a par with me when Charles was around but was promoted upon his exit. I missed her! She was busy with her new role and we hadn't spoken much since the changes came into play. I felt very isolated.
I discovered, once we started talking, that Toni was NOT loved amongst our co-workers. In a way it helped. She was hateful and bullied most anyone. It wasn't just me! It still sucked tho.
Then she fired my idiot compatriot in TX. I mean, she was a nice woman but not the brightest bulb and I'd found her to be inept for years but Charles had been protecting her. Toni didn't. Toni took care of business. And Toni hired a friend of hers to replace this woman. yay. Now I'd slipped a bit further down the totem pole. I knew I was at the bottom of the pile in this pecking order.
Some backstory...I was hired to manage billing staff. Before the recession I was a manager and had people working for me. I managed work flow and trained staff. Charles treated me with respect because he'd hired me to take care of the billing dept in the MN office. He trusted me to make decisions without him having to be involved unless I was unsure of something. When Toni came on she was clear with me that she didn't care about my background. I was now a billing clerk instead of a billing manager. I was now excluded from meetings and not part of the decision making process. I was not management staff anymore. I was rarely awarded an explanation for what I was told to do. If I dared to ask why she would say to DO IT and no explanation would be offered. I was obsolete now and my status severely reduced. It stung.
I'd realized pretty quickly that Toni and I weren't going to be a good match. This spurred me on to work on getting my house ready to go on the market. If I can just get my house sold I can move wherever I want and start fresh! This is a good thing that came out of this other painful stuff. I'd realized I wasn't interested in being part of this new "team" at CMA. I wanted out!
I carefully mentioned my concerns about my job security with all the changes to the MN director, hoping for some reassurance...asking him if there was more I could do to help staff because I wanted to keep my job. Instead of the usual response "your job is secure" I got "We hope you keep your job here too". I felt a loss of support and felt on my own. This was part of what led me to my withdrawl. I'm not a super social person in the first place so I bet mostly no one noticed it but I spent my days working and hoping Toni would leave me in peace to avoid stress. My best days were when Toni didn't contact me for anything.
When she came to town she ignored me. The owner once wanted me to meet some legal staff and there was Toni, giving me the hairy eyeball because she didn't think I needed to be meeting anyone...I was a billing specialist...I didn't matter. She honestly acted offended that he bothered! She didn't think I should be introduced to anyone. It was incredibly uncomfortable! I got the point.
So this past year has been all about getting my house ready for market so I can give notice, make some changes and get on with my life!
There are a lot of complex emotions that go into making big life changes like selling a house, leaving friends/family to start fresh someplace new. It's been a complex year for me emotionally!
Well there has been some strange culminations cropping up on me the past couple weeks. On a recent day, the entire office was informed that we were ALL receiving pay cuts. Again. This happened last time around this time of year also. We were told that later we'd find out how much our pay cuts would be. Joy. The past few years I've had no raises. Just pay cuts and restorations. I figured here we go again. Same old, same old. I was bummed but it has become something I'm used to.
Then there was an email from Toni saying she wanted me to pack up some of my projects and send them down the new billing gal in TX. She'd be taking over because she didn't have enough to do. I don't either, to be honest, but I sure as fuck wouldn't tell Toni that - it'd be an open invitation to be fired! I need this job for now! So I had some weird feelings about this. Part of me was dreading having less work to do and another part of me was thinking it was time to hand some of this off since I'm planning on leaving as soon as I can anyway. Why hang on? In fact, I had the urge to offer to let her take more but worried I'd be tipping my hand so I resisted. Toni seemed surprised that I took it like a good sport. Maybe I should have resisted a bit? I don't care enough any more. Fuck it.
The next day, my pal (the one who got promoted) told me that changes were in the works as far as Toni's status. She told me to act dumb if the director mentioned it. I did when he did. But what he said indirectly confirmed what she'd said. One of the other things she said was she'd told the owners that I was job hunting. Apparently this upset them. Flattering but hey, I'm not job hunting. I have looked a bit but since the recession, pay options SUCK and it'd be hard to replace this job at this pay rate. At least I got my last raise BEFORE the recession. The recession has fucked everyone pretty well. Even if you can get a job, good luck with getting what you used to make! It's an employer's market. They have the power right now. Too many desperate folks still needing work. No body is going to get paid worth a shit until this economy picks up. So no, I have not been looking. I've just come to work every day and hoped to be left alone to work in peace. I have given up on any aspirations of being anything beyond a billing clerk at this company. Toni wouldn't have it any other way! At least I'm a well paid billing clerk since they didn't reduce my pay to match my apparent, but not formalized, reduced status in the company.
So the past couple of days I've had upper management stopping by to tell me how much they value me and how they want me to stay and hope I'll hang in there with them because things will get better soon. The owner stopped by this AM to give the same message and even seemed choked up about it! I have been feeling incredibly guilty because I still plan to head my merry way. I've had enough. I have a bright new future waiting for me in another state. No pay cuts and no shitty, nasty bosses that make me miserable. I do like everyone except for Toni so I was feeling incredibly bad about my plans. Guilty! Thinking how they will hate me when the time comes but how, in order to protect myself, I can't admit to my plans. What if the house doesn't sell this summer and I have to stay longer than I'm hoping? I can't tip my hat yet.
And then the icing hit. I asked the director what my actual pay cut would be since he'd said he'd talk to all of us and here is was, Thursday and it had been almost a whole week with no word! He came in apologizing and showed me the cut. It's over double what it's ever been before. It knocks about $250 out of my monthly income. OUCH! THIS HURTS!!
I revamped my budget quickly to see the impact. I could survive ok. Whew. But it would slow down reducing my debt big time. I put a good face on and got thru the rest of my day. The way home was another story.
I'm driving along and thinking about all of this. Thinking about this past year of churning guts and shaking hands. Of feeling obsolete and unsupported. Of having a woman relish implying I'm stupid if I dare to ask her how she wants anything done. Of stopping talking to people at work unless necessary. Feeling betrayed and unwanted because of my association with Charles. Then, more recently, all the heartfelt "we need you, we want you, hang in there with us" and then the finale, the twice the normal fucking pay cut. Being forced to being an investor with no hope of return. That is my reward for this past year of misery. Thanks.
I finally cried. I've cried a lot today. Seems like once you start it gains momentum. Then you think you're done and there you go again! I need this to stop by tomorrow because I have to go to work again and pretend everything is ok. I need to stuff down my toxic feelings again and get thru another day. And another and another until certain things come to pass and I can finally plan my exit. I don't know what the future holds for me. I'm hoping it will be less painful than this past year has been. I had it good for a while with this company. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful I have a job and a regular paycheck! I'm paying for it in more ways than my time and effort.
I'm blogging this because I'm hoping to exercise some demons, so to speak. There can be no crying at work tomorrow. This has to go somewhere so instead of stuffing it and letting it give me stomach troubles I'm trying to spew it out. I need to stay for now. And luckily I like most of the people I work with. And since I started talking to people I don't feel so betrayed and I know most are happy I'm there with them. But this relationship is broken. I'm tired of feeling like this. I can do it for however long is necessary tho to achieve my goals.
