Now I'm a few days out.
Some things have not changed. I still miss his face. I miss holding his warm little self and talking to him. I miss his silky fur. I have my favorite pic of him as my wallpaper on my computer at home so I say hello to him every day. At least I get to see him that way. It was taken on a good day last spring. We were returning home from ND after a visit to see my Mom (whom he adored and it was mutual) and he was in the front seat, on his blue blanket, sitting in the sun with his tongue lolling out. He was a happy boy. I love that shot! It was a good day :)
I still feel like he should be here. I was wrestling with Penelope on my bed last night. I enjoy those snuggle fests and the giggling. But I still felt like he was there, snuggled in his bed next to mine, about to have his nap interrupted by our shenanigans. I am haunted. I'm sure I will be for some time to come. Can't get over almost 15 years with a guy that quickly. Even a little hairy one.
I'm still adjusting to the empty space by my bed. I actually look at it just to get used to the difference. There's nothing there so it would seem to be a pointless exercise but I look BECAUSE there's nothing there. I'm getting used to the new normal. The lack of the baby gate that I was always banging into. I don't miss that thing. The lack of pee pads and food dishes. Penelope now likes to look out the back door window. She never did that before because his food dishes were there. Now she likes to lift the blinds and check it out.
His shelf for medicines and food, etc. has now become a place to store snacks to free up counter space in the kitchen. It's nice to have the counter space free again.
The past 2 nights I have shut my bedroom door. I never used to do that because Bruiser might need to get out for a drink or some food in the night. Now I can. I rather like having a space all my own, that's closed off from everyone.
I feel rested. Sleeping is a wonderful thing and there's been a lack of it for me for some time. Now I sleep. All night long. It's amazing!
Yesterday was my first day back at work after Bruiser. Getting ready for work has become simpler. I don't have to let a pup out and back in. I get up, I turn on lights, I don't walk over a dog to make my bed. I don't have to go outside twice, in my robe. It's cold out and getting colder so this is rather nice. I don't have to prepare food and refresh water. I don't have to check eyes and medicate and give treats. I keep expecting him to start a bark fest when I'm in the bathroom (he liked to do that if I dared to shut the door so that he couldn't see me and it drove me bat shit). I can shut doors and no one gets offended anymore. Something so simple as shutting a door is now different for me. My life has become simpler and I'm finding this is not all bad.
I'm adjusting. I miss him. I don't miss the peripheral stuff. The work. I'm finding I like life better without that. Maybe someday I'll want to take that on again but I think it will be a very long time. Besides, Bruiser broke the mold. I've said this before, but I've had dogs all my life but there was never one as unique and special as Bruiser. Our relationship started with me looking sideways at him as my daughter gushed that he was the bee's knees...me thinking this wasn't my kind of dog. How wrong I was! But once you've had the best, you've hit the peak. I hit the peak. And now life is quieter. I'm lonelier. Life is simpler. But we had a good run together, me and my pup. It's ok.
