Recently Ken & I have gotten inquiries as to when we're going to get married. This is a rather uncomfortable question for us as neither of us is particularly enamored with the idea of marriage but don't want to offend anyone by our lack of interest in that particular institution. I'm pondering if I should make a statement about it on facebook, to say it once and for all and exactly WHAT to say about it eludes me.
I'm one of those abnormal women who was born missing the "I need to get married" gene. Kinda surprising since I've been married twice! But neither marriage was for the usual reasons.
One was for money and timing - I felt it was time to have one more child before Lee got too much older. He had money, he asked and I was beyond tired of being on welfare and malnourished and constantly struggling to survive financially. I figured I could grow to love him like the old days. I justified my decision by looking to history when people got married to reinforce alliances, build power bases and for financial security. People could get married without love and it worked for them, so why not for me? Turned out that was a pretty stupid plan and I was filing for divorce after 4 months of marriage. I couldn't stand him and despite his protests to the contrary, he didn't seem to really like anything about me except my looks. On the flip side I managed to get pregnant with Lacey during that time so I have no regrets. I would do every bit of it again to get her. It's nice to not have regrets!
My second marriage was actually to a man I loved but it wasn't because I loved him. Or maybe it was in a way. His paperwork got messed up and he was looking at deportation. He would have lost everything he'd worked so hard for! Plus, at the time, I was not ready to say good-bye to him. I offered to marry him if he couldn't get the paperwork issues worked out. We ended up getting married. We stayed married for 7 years...much longer than I expected we would, but we were happy enough. In the end I forced some issues and we decided it was time to part ways. If he wouldn't have needed me to marry him, I wouldn't have ever considered it for the very reasons we ended up divorcing. I knew he wanted kids but I already had 3 and my tubes were tied and after some soul searching I had to finally admit I didn't want more - not even to keep him. I had a wonderful time with him and love him to this day so once again, no regrets. I hope he gets what he wants in life. I'm getting what I wanted and feel good about my decision.
I guess I've never gotten the attraction of the whole marriage thing. I know some women go gaga about the dress and I think it's about being the star of the whole production. I don't know why I couldn't care less about this. My sister used to talk about her dream wedding. I listened to at least one of my daughters do that also. My Mom has told me about her dream wedding! I've listened to other women plan and plot to get married. I've seen women end what I thought were perfectly good relationships, because their men didn't want to get married. It always made me feel a bit weird. I never thought of myself being married. I still don't. I'm just me, going thru my life on my terms.
I don't get the whole marriage thing. What is the big deal? Is it about trapping someone to stay with you even if you fall out of love or they do? That's not remotely appealing to me. Is it so the government can tax you at a higher rate by combining your income and putting more into the higher tax bracket? That's stupid. Do people really think that getting married is some magical rite that guarantees perpetual happiness? We all know how that goes 50% of the time, don't we?
I told Ken that maybe some day, when we're old and start thinking we might kick the bucket, then we might get married, IF there is still social security, so that if one of us dies it'll help the other pay the rent. Or if he can't get some damned health insurance we'll get married so we can get his knee fixed. I want him mobile so we can travel and have fun together! We might not stay married after his knee is fixed (taxes, you know) but that doesn't mean our relationship will end.
Our relationship will end when one or both of us decides we don't want to be in it anymore. That simple. We will work on it as needed. But if it turns into a black hole that we aren't happy in and don't see an end to, it's time to walk away. Life is too short to spend it unhappy!
I kinda hate making marriage vows because I don't like to lie. I've lied twice now. I promised to love til death do us part twice, to two different men. And I proved myself to be a liar. I would prefer not to lie again if I can avoid it. One of the best ways I know to avoid that is to avoid marriage. Marriage for social security when I'm old and I think we can manage to stay together til death do us part....that could work for me!
Maybe we can just get some health insurance for Ken so we don't have to be liars to get it. I hope so! I want his knee fixed!
