I wanted out of my rut and guess what? I am. Seriously.
It has been an emotional week. An emotional few weeks leading up to this actually. I still feel like a visitor here. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to get yourself thru taking care of business? I'm really working to keep pushing forward and building this new life for myself.
In some ways I feel like an actor/observer of someone else's life. Except when it hurts and there have been moments where it hurt so bad that I had to remind myself to breathe. It has been really hard to leave my kids and grandkids to do this. I expected it but it doesn't make it easier to go thru.
At the same time, while there have been some hard, painful moments, there are also plenty of really great ones happening. I've gotten settled into my new digs and I like looking around and seeing my things here. Most of it is still in storage but there are a few pictures, some of my furniture, my shoes!
I look at how green the mountains are and I smile. I smile simply because there are mountains to look at! I get lost and I smile. It's been a long time since I got lost because a place is so new!
I'm getting to know Luke a bit. He's a good boy and reminds me of my Ben in some ways. He's good-natured and ready to help.
There are simple pleasures in the day. Watching the cat find new places to snuggle in and nap. Sitting across the table from Ken at supper and chatting. Hugs and going to the zoo with Islie. It helps to have little ones around. They don't replace the ones left behind but they can be a balm to a sore heart sometimes with their innocent affection.
It's nice to go get a shake at Sonic because they have a deal going on and then drive around to look at the sunset together.
I'm not alone so much anymore. I was tired of coming home to an empty house all the time. That was the main point of all this. I wanted someone for me. Someone to share my adventures with even if they only involve sitting on the couch watching House Hunters Int'l and eating bananas and ice cream with salted caramel sauce.
I like the fact that my future is so unwritten right now. It's stressful and yet, it feels like anything is possible. I don't know where I'll end up working. I don't know how many interviews I'll go on before I go back to work. I don't know where we'll end up living by the end of this summer. I don't know what new couch and/or recliner we'll end up buying. I don't know what my life will be like a week from now. Or even tomorrow.
I'm out of my rut. I'm not comfortable. This is a good thing. Been waiting a long time to get here. Hello UT. Let's see where this goes...
