I've been sulking today...

Do you ever have a day where you just can't throw off a "poor me" mood? 

That's the story of my life today.  It's obnoxious!  I've been feeling in this mood all day.  I've been wallowing in it frankly.  Maybe it's time to knock it off?  I don't know.  I must be getting something out of it since I'm not ready to let it go just yet.

I'm going to write a list of my woes and see if I find any enlightenment about my situation:
>  I have a zit under my nose. 

>  I went to Rancheritos and order $22+ dollars of food and pretty much everything I tried to eat was awful.  The tacos were greasy and yet dry and totally lacked flavor.  Ken tasted them and made awful faces so I'm vindicated.  The guacamole looked like baby diarrhea and didn't taste much better than it looked.  I ate rice pudding and beer for supper.  Now I'm sullen about it.  The guacamole was smooth!  Gag.  

> I sulked because I had to take World of Warcraft off my computer because I need my computer for work.  I'm being a fucking responsible adult and it sucks balls.  My computer was overloaded and I was constantly getting warnings about disc space.  I couldn't even log into the game for fear it would start an update and kill my computer.  So my computer is only good for work.  And blogging.  

> I have no money for another computer because we have health insurance issues that we're waiting to resolve.  My company was bought out right before Ken had knee replacement surgery and we got a new insurance company.  We have far surpassed our deductible but had to keep paying since nothing had caught up yet (luckily the previous payments towards deductibles are rolling into the new insurance but...) so now we're stuck paying all these bills and waiting for insurance to reimburse us for all the extra we've had to pay.  This could take a long time to resolve knowing how fast insurance companies work.  On the bright side at least we can pay them and carry the load until it resolves!  It could be worse.  Holy hell I hope it doesn't get worse!!!

>  The lawn mower died last weekend so I had to buy another one.  Good news is I had a coupon and got $20 off!  Bad news is I had to buy a new lawnmower.  The good news is it is self propelled.  I tested it and practically had to chase it.  Best to stop on a high note with this one.

>  The lawn is a mess of weeds and it's big and I'm tired.  It's like 4 times the size of the yard when I lived in the mobile home park and I suffered with that one - this one...holy shite!  Normally the lawn would be Ken's milieu but with him being out of commission with knee replacement for the next while it's on me and I'm losing the battle.  The biggest part of this is that both us are continually bothered by this every time we look at the yard.  We like things nice and I'm coming up short.  I mow and within an hour, they raise their little heads again like they're saying "nya nya!!"

at least bees love them - there is that!

>  I have the spring fever.  I'm restless.  So is Ken.  Ken's knee aches if he has to have it bent for too long or away from ice too long.  He's getting a lot better but he's miles away from road trips or hiking right now.  So we stay home 98% of the time.  We even work at home since the surgery.  It's so bad that despite an annoying co-worker I'm almost, almost, looking forward to going back to work next week just to be out of the house and doing something OUT.  Going to get Ken's staples out on Tuesday was my big adventure and I actually dressed nice since I was going to be around people!  I wore a bra and makeup and everything!!!

>  I have a dresser in mid-renovation all over the garage and I need to get it sanded and another coat of primer on it and then a couple coats of paint and then a sealer coat on it.  In my free time when I'm not pussing out and watching Jessica Jones on Netflix and justifying my lack of initiative.  

That's enough of my list.  I could whine about more but frankly I'm getting a bit sick of myself.  I haven't found any enlightenment beyond being entertained by looking for memes to use in this post.  

When Ken and I decided it was time to have his knee done we knew it would have an impact on our lives both short and long term.  At this moment I'm chafing a bit under the short term restrictions but at the same time I'm sooooo glad we got this done so Ken will feel better and we can have a more active lifestyle without him having so much pain!

He put it off until he just couldn't take it anymore.  I'm glad that part of this is over with.  Despite needing ice most of the time, he's only taking Tylenol now and again and is coping with pain better than I've seen him in years.  THAT makes everything worth it!  The bad lawn that is kicking my ass...the medical bills thru the roof...the lack of adventure...every bit of it is worth it for the future for him.  For him to be able to do more of the things he's wanted to do.  To not have to fight with him to try to protect him from himself all the time.  It's worth it.  

Maybe I have found enlightenment or at least have found a way towards pushing back the sulk.  It's like the dandelions in my yard.  

I can choose to see them like this and hate them...

Or I can squint a bit and see them like this...

I think my motto for the next while will be to tell myself to "squint".  

Moving on...

I always enjoy my quiet weekend mornings by myself.  I get up earlier than Ken and have some time to drink my coffee and read my book and listen to the sounds of the world around me waking up.  There's a rooster near here who likes to perform before the sun rises.  Sometimes I hear the horses snuffling.  They know Dave will be out to feed them shortly.  If I look out the window I'll most likely see them and the goats all "aimed" at the back door of the landlord's house, waiting for him to come outside.

This morning someone's dog (across the street) was unhappy about being outside.  They must have let him in because he's finally shut up.

There is a rhythm to it all and I like it.

It feels weird to think that in a couple of weeks this will be history for us.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon cleaning at our new place.  We've found a house and signed a lease.  If this relationship works well we'll be there for several years.  We've been having some fun pondering possibilities of what we'll do with a yard and all the space we'll have.

Ken has lived in this cozy little apartment for the past 8 years.  He moved here during a rough spot in his life.  He was in the process of getting a divorce after almost 20 years of marriage.  He'd also been recently laid off and was trying to find a job and survive on unemployment benefits.  This little apartment and our good landlords gave him a comfortable place to live, were understanding when rent was late because he had no money, shared their garden with him, invited him to holiday dinners when he was alone and became trusted and valued friends.

We've loved and lost some animals during our time here.  Old Smokey, the kick ass barn cat.  Kind of a legendary dude.  He took on raccoons one night and won, tho he lost a fang.  He was the king of this small farm and carried himself accordingly.  He was one of those animals that made you feel a little bit extra cool if he decided to love you.  He loved Ken.  He even liked me!  If Ken drove up, Smokey would come trotting up for his scratches and loves.  It was a sad day when he passed.

Ken's kitty, Baby, passed also during his time here and is buried out back with Smokey.  As did Kramer, just since I've lived here.  Kramer always thought she was a wild kitty and when she'd get out she'd hang out with Smokey.

We met the colt, Brigham, the day after he was born and have enjoyed watching him grow.  He was full of piss and vinegar and pretty funny to watch.

It's nice to look out your back window and see horses.  As a kid I would have died and gone to heaven to live in a place like this!  Now that I've developed allergies I'm more removed but I still appreciate all of this.  I've enjoyed that I can buy a bag of carrots and spend some time out in the company of horses.  It's good for the soul.  Plus it's fun to give them treats!

We've watched the goats grow up from adorable little baby goats to funny goofballs who nap on their food and fake fight all the time.  You have to see it to appreciate how they "fight"!  It's ridiculous!

Dave (landlord) is a lover of all critters and even took in a baby raven.  It was a fun summer as that bird grew and finally decided to fly off to it's own adventures.

By the end of this month we'll be in our new digs and will close another chapter on the past and start something new.  It's a good thing but it's also sad.

Since I moved here about a year and a half ago, most of my belongs have been in climate controlled storage for lack of space in the apartment.  In a way it doesn't feel like I'm completely "here".  I'm looking forward to having my things around me again!  My artwork on the walls, my kitchen wares.  All of my clothes in one place!

At the same time, everything I do right now has a tinge of goodbye to it.  I went thru this when I left MN.  That was far more dramatic than this move will be...I doubt I will cry my eyes out when I drive away this time like I did that time!  But I have to give this place its due.

Ken had a safe, comfortable place to live.  His kids have lived here too.  Islie spent her early years under this roof while her mom went to beauty school and became able to support them both.  Ken's kids have squeezed in here with him and enjoyed it!

I've been visiting this apartment for years also and have finally made it my home.  I'm not as attached as Ken but I totally understand what he means when he says "he's put down roots".  While he's excited about the move and having a yard and space and making the house into a home, he's also grieving this place. 

So, little apartment, thank you.  Thank you for being a home when it was much needed.

We will always remember our time here fondly.

Day One

I began my diet today. Not enjoying it right now. Feeling really hungry and low energy.