It's a slow afternoon at work today and I haven't blogged for a while so, here I am. Blogging. Not sure what to blog about. I have some things weighing heavy on my mind lately but am not ready to discuss them in a potentially public forum. The thing is, there is an outside risk that someone will actually READ this blog and find out stuff about me. I sort of use it as mental therapy but have to curb some of that because it is, after all, a blog.
I just read my daughter's blog about not answering the phone. My response is to be proud of her for taking care of herself! Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and decide that you just can't do it for everyone...that it's too much and you need to shift focus more closely to survive your own life.
I'm a person who needs a lot of "me" time. Being social is a stressor for me. I tend to be very content in my own head...I like myself. When I am social I feel expectations piling on after a while and need to defuse. Not everyone is like this. I gave birth to at least one who is highly social so I know. I had some issues living with her trail of guests coming and going thru my home. That stressed me out! Nice kids but they were invading my "cave" and interrupting my regular hibernation time. I don't welcome unexpected visitors. I behave but inside I'm resentful. This is me. I have some weird quirks.
Back when I used to party I had to do a mental work up before I went out, to get myself in the mood to talk to people. It's not my basic nature to be sociable. I'm more inclined to sit back and watch. I study people. I find them fascinating. By doing this I have gained some unusual insight into people and why they do what they do. This is helpful when people need advice, unless I give them advice they don't like. I do that fairly often. Unlike a lot of people, I don't see the benefit to beating a dead horse. And some situations are like that. Some folks come to me thinking I can tell them how to change someone else. And I can, possibly, but doing this requires changing your own behavior first. That often doesn't go over well. The only person you ultimately control is yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. BUT when you change, it often forces behavior changes in others. And these can be unpredictable. There is no guarantee of a positive result. There is a chance at least. Which is better than if you keep doing what you're doing and expecting a different result. Only place that might work, that pops into my mind, is flipping a coin. Not changing a partner's behavior to meet your needs. Besides, I think people should be accepted as they are or let go, so they can find someone who accepts them as they are. It's kind of stinky to hang on to someone you don't really like because of who you think you can make them into. Really stinky!
Anyways, my parents are both very social folks. Very warm and approachable. I've watched them and learned how to do it. I can fake it to some extent. It's like giving a speech...I'm scared to death inside but from the outside I look confident and at ease. I took a speech class in college and learned that I'm a pretty good public speaker despite the enormous internal distress the act causes me. It was good to know that I come off positively since my job involves training and speaking up on occasion. Now I can do that with a level of confidence. To get back to the point, this ability to act warm and friendly puts others at ease and can start the interaction. It's a valuable skill.
My siblings are similar. I think our parents sometimes wondered where we came from. I remember one winter day when they decided we should go out and play. None of us wanted to. We must have been driving them nuts. We wanted to stay in the basement and play barbies, like normal. We had our own social group and really didn't need neighbor kids to increase our fun. Anyway, they bundled us up and made us go out. They even locked the doors so we couldn't sneak back in. If I didn't know my parents I would think they just wanted some time to fool around but I can pretty much guarantee that was NOT what was going on. Anyway, we huddled around the dryer vent (Mom was doing laundry) and waited for them to get tired of trying to make us play with the neighbors. They finally relented, voicing some disgust over our choice of activity on such a beautiful winter's day.
My Mom was a homecoming princess and my Dad was one of the handsomest men in town. They were busy and social and then we came along. We put a pretty big crimp in their social life! They had a hard time finding babysitters who would babysit us more than once. We were intelligent, energetic and all had dominant personalities. I was probably the most dominant, being the oldest. I was used to getting my younger siblings to do what I wanted. When our parents left, we took over. We wouldn't listen unless they did what we wanted - we were highly skilled blackmailers. I remember one gal who knitted who had to spend the evening teaching us to knit to keep us out of trouble. Another one drew so she got to draw pictures for us all night. We'd post a look-out at the basement window to put out the alarm when our parents drove up. Then we'd fly to our beds, leaping under the covers and feigning sleep. If the sitters ever told on us, I don't recall hearing about it. I don't recall our parents ever coming in, knowing we weren't asleep, to scold us for not listening to the sitter. I'd like to think the sitters liked us but since they didn't often return, maybe they didn't find us all that charming.
I'm not exactly anti-social. I'm quite chatty on facebook and can talk a person's ear off if I feel comfortable with them. I just don't need to do it that often and if I do it too often it becomes a stressor. I know that some of my skills were learned watching my parents. I used to think of myself as socially retarded because I was horribly shy when I was young. I remember running home crying for various reasons when I was in early grade school. At this date I can't remember why but I know it had to do with being in front of everyone and feeling humiliated or embarrassed or scared. I dreaded being asked to answer a question. I didn't want to be noticed. My teachers rarely cooperated with this.
At least I outgrew most of that nonsense! I wouldn't say I'm shy anymore. I'm pretty confident and comfortable approaching people. But one thing has stuck after all these years, and it's my basic need for "me" time, and plenty of it! At this point in my life I have TONS of me time! And I'm pretty happy about it 98% of the time. It is rare when I feel the urge to go out and be with people. It does happen sometimes tho.
Tonight I'm going to a play with some family members. I'm not in the mood, to be really honest. It's been a busy week and I would prefer to curl up at home with a good book and some wine and go to bed early, rather than go out and be among people. But since I love my family I'll suck it up, be a sport and go. And I know I'll enjoy myself in spite of myself! I don't have my daughter's excuse...I'm not swamped with raising a child or school so I can easily get my "me" time later.
I'm really proud of her for taking care of herself and her family so well. Let the others figure it out for themselves...they will. And hopefully they will be understanding but if not, well, that's life, isn't it?
