50

I’m going to be 50 years old tomorrow.

Personally I don’t mind this.  It’s some of the things that come along with it that I’m not enjoying that much. 

I’m less bendy.  Recently I’ve had two unpleasant sessions with back problems, one of which I blogged about here earlier this month, the other was triggered by stooping to scrape some food into the garbage.  HOW DARE I STOOP?  <face slap>  For heaven’s sake, I’m almost 50…if I stoop I must be punished by my spine!  I’m going to keep this clean so will not launch into a swearing tirade about my spine.  I’m not friendly with it at the moment.  I'd like a divorce but can't handle being that floppy.

Two weeks in a row of pain, missed (unpaid) work and numerous chiropractic visits.  It’s been over a week since the last spasm so doing ok but still feel stiff and sore.  In essence, I’m feeling old and creaky.  It’s one thing to turn 50.  It’s another thing to feel like you’re 80 while you’re doing it. 

The reason I say 80 is because I learned this weekend that my Dad, at 73, is more limber than I am at the moment.   Made me a bit gloomy about my future if I don’t get myself in better shape!  I think I’m going to try yoga and see if I can restore some flexibility.  Things hurt so I protect them and in doing so I think I’m making it worse.  I expect I’ll find out if I’m wrong about that if I do some yoga.  We'll see.  It's more blogging material if it doesn't go well so there's a silver lining for you.

I’m in the menopause zone!  Or is it perimenopause?  Who knows but Huzzah!  I have hot flashes and PMS.  Fun times.

I could eat a horse or two.  If they were made of chocolate I could.  Last night I ate a semi-dried out amaretto cupcake because Lacey ate the last of the pre-b’day cake before I realized I had a craving.  Survival of the fittest at my house when it comes to cake!  Looking back on it, it seems rather pitiful.  But while it might have been dry and a bit chewy (not quite dusty) the flavor was good!

Those lovely hot flashes are such fun…standing there washing dishes with sweat dripping into your eyes.  Having to stand in front of the fan flapping your shirt to cool off because you’re drenched in sweat.  In January.  When it's a hundred degrees below zero. 

And night sweats.  Oh yeah baby!  Nothing better than getting up to pee and then crawling back into a bed with damp sheets during the winter time.  Nosiree!  Nothing is much better than that! 

And the peeing…it’s a rare night where I just SLEEP all night long.  Sadly I don’t think I can blame that on PMS or menopause.  I should probably not drink anything after 6 PM or some crap like that.  Pfft.  Like that’s going to happen!

Right now I’m rather bitchy.  I can blame that on PMS OR menopause.  I have options!  Let’s just say I don’t think I should have to take responsibility.  I’m hormonally insane.  Not my fault.  It's natural! (This could work for me)

Time for a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray.  Some will understand...

The perfect shitstorm hit me this morning

I was off work yesterday because of back problems.  Rather strange ones actually...I'd try to get dressed and have a severe spasm that would leave me gasping for air and feeling like I had a charlie horse going around my rib cage.  Then it would settle down and aside from an ache I'd feel pretty good.  I'd start thinking I was just being a big baby...it wasn't so bad and I'd try to get dressed and it would hit again and I'd be left crying and cuddling my heating pad. 


That was my day.  Ibuprofen, heating pad and laying down most of the time.  I couldn't even play World of Warcraft because sitting up for any time span hurt.


I put a call into my chiropractor.  He's semi-retired so only open on M/W/F.  I figured I'd play it safe and get in there first thing in the morning and then head off to work with my spinal problems solved.  It was a plan.


This morning I woke with the ache but it was tolerable.  I got ready for work and waited for my chiropractor's call.  He called at 9 AM and said he could see me as soon as I could get there.  YAY!  Life was about to get better!

I put on my coat, grabbed my purse and my lunch and turned the knob on the front door and pulled.  It didn't open.  I tried repeatedly.  It didn't open.  I bent down and realized that the thingy that goes into the door jamb was ignoring the turning knob.  I'm like, are you kidding me???  NOW????  Oh for crying out loud!


So I grab my power drill.  Can't get it at the screws - bad angle. 


I go digging in my tool box and get the Phillips and take the door knob off.  The other side clunks down to the floor and now I can see thru the hole in my door.  And I still can't get the thingy that goes into the jamb to get out of the jamb. 


I'm locked in my house!


Then the mother of all back spasms hits.  I'm suddenly in so much pain life becomes a blur.  I stand and pant for a few minutes realizing that now I REALLY need the chiropractor and I'm going to have to climb out my back door to get to him. 


I live in a mobile home.  I don't have stairs at my back door, hence the word "climb". 


So I find a rag to stuff into the hole in the front door.  Not like anyone can break in right?  I couldn't even get out!  Just trying to cut down on my heat bill while I'm gone. 


I know I'm now going to be wading thru snow drifts to get to the front of my house so I need to change out of my work shoes.  I kick them off and step into my snow boots, which I can't tie because I'm in too much pain and it's just impossible to manage.  At least I have boots on. 


I slowly, with much gasping and tears, manage to get myself out the back door. 


The spasm is REALLY not happy that I didn't run to the heating pad and I have to force myself to inhale against the vice grip around my mid-section.  I'm standing there, in the snow drifts, with my boots untied, gasping for air.  I take a few steps and have to pant a bit more.  I come around the corner and realize that my car was moved down the street last night so it wouldn't be towed since they were plowing the trailer court today.  I'd forgotten about that.  The plows had gone by already so there is a nice big drift to get over to get to the street.  Fun times!


I get out into the street...I'm crying because I'm having an incredulous pity party about what is happening to me...and I drop my keys on the street.  Can someone please kill me now?


I get them.  It hurt.  I guess when it hurts like that does it really matter if it hurts a bit worse?  You won't really stop breathing because of a rib charlie horse right?  Well I didn't.  I didn't die. 


I slowly got myself folded into my car and got it started.  Then I tried to call Lacey to warn her that she won't be able to get in the front door when she gets home.  No answer. 


I call Ben because I realize there is no way I'll be able to climb back in thru the back door unless my condition vastly improves.  It probably wouldn't improve that much.  Ben says he'll come over and get the front door opened for me. 


I head for the doctor.  I drive a stick.  Added to the fun I was already experiencing.  Moving my legs around on the clutch and shifting.  There are times....


I unfold myself out of the car and toddle into the chiro's office.  I'm embarrassed because I've been crying from the pain on the drive down.  I feel like such a baby!

Lacey calls while I'm standing there crying and I tell her what's going on.  I tell her she can get in thru the back door and that Ben is coming to get the front door opened.  Later I find out I left the knob on the back door locked.  Perfect.


I've had this chiro, Dr. John, for years so we know each other well and are having a laugh at this perfect shit storm while we try to get my spine to chill out. 


Didn't have the greatest luck but at least got it to unclench some.  I get to go back again after work today for another try. 


Left his office and went to Menard's to buy a new door knob.  Got home, handed it to Ben to install while I went back to my room to take ibuprofen and cuddle the heating pad so I could go to work for the afternoon and not waste the entire day laying in bed again. 


My back still needs work but so far no more spasms from hell this afternoon.  I've gotten some work done so the day isn't a waste. 


My mind is still a bit boggled by the timing of the door knob issue. 


If that door knob would have worked like it always does I'd probably have made it to the chiropractor without incident.  My back wouldn't have been in spasm and I might have been able to get the problem area set to rights again.


If I would have installed some back stairs last fall like I'd intended I wouldn't have had to climb down the side of my house while in extreme pain this morning. 


If it wasn't plowing day I wouldn't have had to go walking down the street to get to my car or dropped my keys while I was in the middle of the street. 


I guess it wasn't quite the perfect shit storm because my chiropractor was available when I got there.  He'll be available again tonight for another try.  My son was able to come over and fix the door knob.  My daughter was able to get in the house despite my leaving the back door knob locked by accident. 


It was close enough tho.

Fixations and obsessions but not OCD

I was just reading a blog "Single Dad Laughing" where the author lets people post things about themselves and then he puts it into a post.  http://www.danoah.com/2014/01/50-more-weird-confessions-4.html

I realize that I’m not nearly as crazy as some people are!  WOO HOO!!!

Kind of a relief as I’ve been wondering if I should get some counseling lately. 

Guess I’m not ready to completely toss that possibility out the window just yet but now I feel much less concerned about my periods of fixating, obsessing and freaking out over certain key items.  Like my car.  And my kitchen floor.  I have to work really hard to logic myself out of stress balls over those things sometimes.  And weirdly those are the main 2 things I fixate on. 

The car thing has been calm lately since my big, expensive repair, since it stopped the stuttering crap but next time I plan a road trip it’ll probably kick into high gear again.  I wasn't always like this.  Years ago I’d climb in my piece of crap cars with my kids and head for the hills without worrying about it.  I had several break-downs doing that.  I suppose most have?  Anyway, now I talk myself out of most road trips because I don’t want to stress about the possibility of my car breaking down.  The only way out of that would be to have a brand new car under warranty.  Can't afford one so that's not an option.  So I have to fight with myself every time I plan a road trip.  It gets mentally exhausting dealing with myself sometimes.  And I annoy others with it while I fret also. 

My kitchen floor triggers me too.  The ridge in the floor that caused the original crack in the linoleum is still there.  Despite my repairs and new flooring, I tip toe around it.  I had to put at least 1 rug over it and I want to put more down but am resisting the urge.  Lacey thinks I’m nuts.  She doesn’t see the ridge.  I see where the new flooring is separating.  (Click vinyl flooring) I feel urgency to sell the house before the flooring goes to hell again.  Even with my pretty new floor, which I thought would solve this problem, I can’t leave it alone. 

I logic it away.  If the floor does break down it’s a weekend of work taking the floor apart and repairing it, plus a box of flooring for extra parts so probably less than $100 cash outlay.  Really the least of my worries. 

But when people stand or sit over/on the ridge I can’t stop thinking about it.  They will be talking to me and I'm distracted because they are standing on/near "THE RIDGE".  And I want them to move but don't want to reveal my craziness so I shut up and then think "what were they just talking about?"    Sometimes I don't even want to come home because of it.  Wow!  I just admitted that! 

GET AWAY FROM THE RIDGE!!!

Sometimes I fight back by making myself step on it.  Yeah, I am kind of weird. 

It feels like some weird mental illness.  But it’s not OCD.  I have no counting compulsions.  I don’t feel like the world will end or something terrible will happen.  I’m just totally freaking weird about my kitchen floor and it’s part of the reason I hate staying in the house longer.  And I am now paranoid as hell about taking road trips.  To the point where I rarely visit my Mother and brother back in ND anymore. 

true picture of North Dakota landscape (I'm a liar)

I am tabling my plan to put the house on the market for a while.  Some things need to be sorted out as far as Penelope's welfare first.  She needs a stable environment and her mom's attention since she still doesn't speak and can not be put into a regular daycare as she has no way of defending herself or expressing her thoughts about what's going and how it affects her.  It would be detrimental to Penelope for her mom to work full-time job to support her.  While all kids need their moms, Penelope REALLY needs her mom's focus right now.  Having a special needs child in the family ratchets up some things...there's a reason they call them special needs...lots of extras needed to help them reach their potential!  Extra considerations have to be taken for their welfare. 

I'm going to have to deal with this bit of weirdness I have going on. 

That's why I'm considering counseling.  One of the reasons.  There are a lot of stressors on me at the moment.  Seems weird considering how rather boring my day to day life is but there are goals to be reached and finances required to hit those goals.  Debt has been incurred while pay was cut and it needs to be paid down.  

There are certain problem people that need to be dealt with or I need to find a new job. 

Staying here is good and bad for me.  Leaving is good and bad for me.  Both have some high emotional cost and losses.  I will be paying regardless. 

Really, my fixating thingy is probably the least of my worries. 

My blogs aren't funny lately. 

I need a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

An "intellectual experiment" and Atheist churches? Really?

I just read a couple of articles that surprised me a bit.  The first one was about a pastor who decided to try being an atheist for a year.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/08/pastor-learns-the-price-of-atheism/?hpt=hp_c3

That story was connected to another about an atheist church.  http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/04/after-a-schism-a-question-can-atheist-churches-last/

And yet another about the 6 types of atheists.  http://www.atheismresearch.com/  (I have tried linking several sites for this article and can't get the links to work - copy and paste this to access the article - sorry I don't know what the problem is)

The atheist pastor was the first to stymie me.  He decided to do it as some sort of “intellectual experiment”.  Then he promptly lost 2 jobs teaching at Christian schools.  Why am I not surprised about that?

While I think it’s admirable for him to try to understand I don’t think you can pretend to be an atheist and really “get” what being an atheist is.  You can find out a few things maybe but to really understand, you have to lack belief.  He calls himself an agnostic.  I AM an agnostic.  I don’t know how you can be a teacher at a Christian school that requires you to state your Christian beliefs as part of the employment process or to be a pastor if you’re actually an agnostic. 

Definition from Wikipedia:  Agnosticism is the belief that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are unknown.^[1][2][3] Agnosticism sometimes indicates doubt or a skeptical approach to questions. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas a theist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.

If he still holds the title of pastor and teaches at this Christian school, how can he possibly be agnostic?  Unless he’s a liar? 

He can’t know what it feels like to be a true atheist.  He can’t even really know how it feels to be a true agnostic, like myself. 

I am an agnostic because I don’t believe in God.  Let’s say I’m exceptionally skeptical.  I am an agnostic because I don’t completely disbelieve the possibility of God.  I could be wrong.  I don’t really think so but since I don’t know everything I can’t say for 100% certainty that there is no God.  I just don’t think it’s very likely. 

This means I can’t tip the scales into being an atheist though let’s just say I dance harder in that direction than in the direction of the church. 

The thing is, this pastor, at his core, believes.  That is why his “intellectual experiment” will fail.  Faith or lack of faith is a very personal thing.  You can fake it.  But you’ll know you’re faking it.  I knew I was faking it.  I still go to church for weddings and funerals.  I know all the words and the rituals.  I love some of the music.  I feel like a fraud. 

Church used to be a comforting place.  I went to Sunday school, was confirmed, attended adult bible studies & women’s study groups and taught Sunday school. 

Over the years I debated my thoughts on my studies in various groups and with pastors.  Some of whom embraced those debates and enjoyed them and some who shut me down promptly, saying “that’s not what we believe.”  I truly enjoyed those debates and my studies!  (Slight detour:  One of my favorites was the idea that Satan was God’s best angel.  People didn’t like that one but really, it makes a lot of sense when you think about it.  If God is supposed to be omniscient.  If he is all powerful, then how could Satan be doing evil if God didn’t allow it?  God needs contrast.  If everything is all fluffy and good  and sweet as sugar, would anyone appreciate it?  Would they worship God if they didn’t know that Satan was out there causing all kinds of evil things to happen?  If they didn’t need someone to save them?  Think about it.)

The thing is I didn’t only study the bible.  I’m fascinated by this entire planet, the universe and by human beings and their history.  These things all came together in me and moved me away from the church.  That was a long process (years).   

Here is what I believe. 

I believe that humankind has been inventing Gods since they could think enough to be scared and to try to do something to feel less afraid.  They invented Gods to give them an illusion of control over the chaos of this world.  If they just did this, this and/or this well enough and often enough, God would save them.  If they weren’t saved, then someone screwed up or it was just God’s will.  That’s my very simplified view.  It’s bigger than that tho.  It’s something humans did all over the world.  Sacrifice was a big theme. 

It also creates a common belief system that helps hold groups together and gives them rules to follow so as not to piss God off and end up causing some disaster to your tribe or going to hell.  God is a great unifier of people.  God motivates people to be better than they might be without the threat of hell or tragedy. 

I do believe in the possibility of life after death.  Not necessarily in heaven.  But I think the soul goes on.  I believe in the soul.  I have felt it leave the body.  I believe I have had "visitations" from loved ones who have passed on.  I like to dream that reincarnation could be right and maybe I could come back to this miraculous planet again in some new life.  I do love being here.  It's magnificent!

There are horrible things done in the name of God.  Many, many, many horrible things.  And those horrible things also unite and help to control groups of people. 

Anyway. 

I could go on about this in depth but that’s not really the point.  I wanted to give you a brief synopsis of why I’m agnostic.  It’s not because I have issues with the church.  It’s not because I think the church is bad.  It’s just that I don’t believe. 

To get back on point.  This pastor can’t pretend to be an atheist and expect to truly understand what being an atheist is.  Because he believes. 

It is strange to be an outsider.  He might get that but probably not.  He won’t know what it’s like to stand in a church with a room full of believers and not believe.  He can’t know what it feels like for me to go to church.  To feel like, if I say the words that I know from all those years when I believed, am I belittling their beliefs because I don’t?  Or should I say the words and fit in out of respect for their beliefs even if I am lying with every word?  He won’t feel that.  I do. 

How about when he goes on facebook, assuming he does, and some tragedy befalls a friend and everyone is sending prayers.  Will he be sitting there thinking how useless that is?  I do.  Will he feel ineffectual and helpless?  I do.  Will he wish he believed so he could pray and feel like he was doing something even tho he really wasn’t?  I do. 

Will he be quiet about his pretend lack of belief?  I doubt it since that wouldn’t really help his “intellectual experiment” would it?  I normally prefer to be quiet. 

Here is why I normally prefer to be quiet. 

There aren’t that many of us.  We, the agnostics and atheists, are outsiders to the majority.  Believers tend to see you as damaged or broken and try to fix you.  My own Mother has made the comment that she somehow failed because I don't believe.  They sometimes argue with you and tell you you’re wrong.  They sometimes stop being friends with you. 

We are outsiders.  We are not part of that cozy congregation any longer.  There is some pain of separation involved.  At least for me there is. 

We are sometimes perceived as lacking morals because you can’t have morals if you aren’t afraid of going to hell right?  I have the same morals as I did when I was a practicing Christian.  It’s a nicer way to live doing nice things for people!  I’m not interested in suddenly running around doing all kinds of bad things.  I never was nice or mean because I thought I was going to heaven or hell to begin with!  Being raised a Lutheran you pretty much are guaranteed a spot in the clouds so you should want to be good in gratitude.  I wasn’t raised to fear going to hell.  Never have worried about that.  Still managed to grow into a pretty nice person anyway.  I think I’m pretty nice anyway!

Probably the biggest reason I don’t say anything is because I don’t want my Christian friends to think I’m looking down on them.  Sometimes agnostics/atheists are perceived as condescending.  Well, we can be but Christians can be condescending also so I think we’re even.  It’s generally easier to avoid the subject for me.

Sadly, I think this priest, who lost 2 jobs in his attempt to have this “intellectual experiment” of atheism, is doomed to fail because he cannot truly understand.  Unless he is actually an atheist.  Or agnostic.  Or becomes one because there’s some part of him that doubts and he is testing that. 

This ran a bit long so I’ll quickly touch on the other 2 articles…well mostly the atheist church since the 6 types idea…hmmm I’m a middle one and I love how they try to compartmentalize people all the time.  Not. 

The atheist church gives me the shudders!  I do miss the sense of community of the church.  I get that!  But a shared belief is what brings the Christians together.  Would I want to go to a church to talk about how great it is to NOT believe?  Or to bitch about believers?  Not on your life!! Holy cripes!!  Well, there are extremists everywhere.  Kind of sounds like the idea behind this church is to debate the rightness of non-belief.  Well I guess that’s kind of like the Christian church which reinforces reasons for belief.  But still!  Much as I sometimes miss that sense of community the church provided I think I’ll take a pass on attending an atheist church! 

(And they meet on Sundays…for some reason I find that pretty funny!)

It's a new year! Some things will be changing and some things won't.

I'm reading my friend's postings on facebook about their new diets and intentions to get healthier in 2014.  I'm doing the same thing so I'm interested! 

I'm learning I'm not nearly as committed as some.

I recently saw a friend who's fit, gorgeous, smart, etc. coaching another friend on his plans to diet.  She doesn't look her age in my opinion.  She's a bit younger than me but is stunning and looks in her 30's I think.  For real.  People say that about me but as I have a 30 yr old daughter I look at her and know it to be incorrect. 

Anyway, it gave me a window into her life.  A window that made me realize that no matter how beautiful she is or fit or smart, her lifestyle will not work for me.  My immediate gut reaction to their discussion was that life wouldn't be worth living any more and they were pretty much focused on talking about things you drink as far as specifics went!  It doesn't take much I'm afraid...

They talked about drinking water most of the time (ick - this is my personal opinion - I'm not a water person unless it's super hot outside). 

No soda, diet or otherwise.  Not an option for me because I LOVE the fizzy stuff!!  My diet mountain dew, the occasional coke that is sooooo delicious!!  And not to mention diet A&W root beer to mix with Rum Chata!  Deliciousness!!!  That's pretty much the sodas I drink so there aren't many but the ones I like I really like, enough to put up with caffeine addictions to have!

Limited alcohol.  This one is not as much of a biggy because wine is OK in moderation.  I tend to drink very moderately anyway so that works for me, but still, no vodka?  No limoncello?  (I make it with everclear and apparently clear alcohol is bad news)  I guess I shouldn't get worked up about that since I have a little vodka sitting in my house and it hasn't been touched for months and haven't had limoncello in the house for a VERY long time since I haven't gotten around to brewing up a batch in many months.  Guess that's not much of a hardship in reality but I loves me some Rum Chata and Disaronno now and again! 

Honestly all they had to discuss was drinking water most of the time and I realized I will never, ever be like her.  And I realized that's ok. I'm still going to exercise more and do portion control.  I will drink less alcohol because weight watchers points on alcohol are ridiculous!  5 pts for a glass of vino!  When you get to eat 29 pts a day that's a chunk and you have to wonder if it's worth it?  It's not most of the time.  Alcohol will be even more of a rare treat than it is now.  Which is fine. 

One problem will be reducing my limeade intake.  I have a crazy love for that delicious juice!!  But it's fattening and I probably drink more calories on that than anything else during the week.  I will stop buying it except for rare occasions I think.  Makes me sad.  But if I can have it now and then I can deal with that.

I will drink more water but it will probably never be my primary drink. 

And earlier I guess I didn't quite hit my main point.  My main point is that for me, controlling my diet to that extent makes life not worth living.  Stupid isn't it? 

But food is a great love of mine.  HUGE!!!  It has been a great love my entire life.  Good food and drink.  They called me bottomless pit as a kid for good reason!  I love food!!  I love to make it, to eat it, to smell it, to look at it.  When I open my favorite bottle of wine I like to just smell it - makes me happy to just smell it!  It's one of the great joys in life for me!  I'll eat it when I'm not even hungry because I love the stuff! 

People think you must be filling some emotional void in your life if you over eat.  I over eat because I love food.  That simple!   Apparently I love it more than the average person. 

Ken understands because he's the same way.  We talk about what we ate like it's almost a competition each day, commenting on how good this or that sounds.  Talking about recipes we want to try.  We watch cooking shows and wish we could try everything.  When he comes for a visit one of the main things discussed is which of our favorite places we'll go out to eat at!  We have a love of food in common.  You could say we're foodies.  We're interested in weird food, common food, strange or compelling combinations, good food, curious about bad food..  I'm considering trying lutefisk just because I'm curious.  I've eaten alligator and raccoon.  I've eaten durian (I don't recommend this).  We are wired this way. It's one of the things I love about my life and I don't want to change it.  But I do need to manage it better. 

In order for me to have a successful, healthy lifestyle, I need to work on the art of moderation and exercise.  If for one minute I start thinking I can't have something, it's all over.  I've learned this about myself over years of dieting.  But if I think I can have some later, when the time is right and be thoughtful about my choices, then it works.  Instead of no, it's no for now. 

I've done it before.  I practiced moderation.  I lost about 50 pounds.  Then I stopped.  I went back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted and in quantities I wanted.  And here I am again. 

Moderation is the new lifestyle option for me.  That's what I really need to work on!

A few things about me...

I'm an Agnostic

I was raised a Lutheran.  A number of years ago I finally admitted to myself that I didn't believe and I stepped away from the church.  In a way I'm sad about it because it was a great community to be part of, but I couldn't live a lie any longer.  I felt like a fraud.  I don't believe.  I don't condemn the church or try to turn others away from it.  This is a personal issue.  It's mine.  I mostly keep it to myself since it puts me outside the norm and often people try to "fix" me or feel I'm looking down on them if I admit it.  So this is normally a pretty private thing for me.

I'm a fiscal conservative and tend to vote GOP. 

I have little faith in our government.  I would like to see federal power reduced.  I think more of our taxes should be back in our pockets so that WE can grow the economy.  I would like term limits on congress.  It should be a service to our country, not a life long career.  They should have to go back out and live with the decisions they've made.

I do believe we need welfare.  I have been in tight spots in my life and welfare saved me and my kids.  I've also seen generational welfare.  Welfare should not be a way of life.  Keeping this short and sweet summarizing my basic beliefs so that's enough on that subject. 

I would like to see people take the reins more in their own lives.  We don't need to be told what to do or think.  I don't like the thought police.  I don't like people telling me what I can and can't eat, if I have to have insurance, that I have to believe this or that or I'm unacceptable and shouldn't be allowed to speak.

I have serious issues with the GOP religious right. 

I don't like it when they try to pump a religious agenda into government.  Church and state should be separate.  We'll end up like the middle east if religion starts running things.  There's good reason to keep religion out of government in a country that is supposed to represent freedom! 

That brings up another thing...as someone who has actually studied the bible (I made an educated decision when I became agnostic) it seems beyond obnoxious to use religion to judge people.  I was raised that being a Christian was about loving your neighbor and treating them like you'd want to be treated.  I'm not seeing this happening with the religious right. I'm seeing some dangerously sanctimonious people judging others as not good enough and spewing a lot of hateful things.  Not cool.

I have gay friends and family members.

Since that is a private matter I won't go into detail except that I have gay family members and friends and love them.  It's up to them to broadcast it if they wish.  I don't get to use their private business for my own.  Be clear though - I won't tolerate a bigot.

I come from a multi-racial family.

People look at me and see a white woman.  If they find out I tend to vote GOP they tend to make assumptions about me.  I remember one gal, who knew I was married to a black man, being shocked to find out I was GOP.  So if I love someone who isn't white I have to be a democrat?  If I have gay friends and family members I can't possibly vote GOP?  Pfft.

That said, I don't care for Obama.  This does not mean I am racist.  This means I don't agree with most of Obama's political platform.  I don't vote based on skin color or sexual orientation issues.  Never have and never will. 

Side note: I don't hate Obama.  Don't love him but don't hate him.  I don't disagree with everything he's done.  Congress is a vastly bigger problem than Obama in my opinion.

I love my family.  I will not tolerate bigots. 

I don't like people assuming I'm a bigot because I'm white.  It deeply offends me. 

Deep cleaning, slobber and saggy, baggy pants

I know this will shock you but I'm crabby!!

Sigh.

The morning started out right.  Aside from being below zero, we had sun and some pretty spectacular sun dogs, which I got lucky enough to see.  Normally I don't see them because it's dark when I get to work but today I went to the dentist for a deep cleaning.  I got to sleep in an hour too so see?  It was a good start!

The dental tech was a sweetie.  She'd taken care of me before and I like her.  She has eyes like the Hunger Games gal.  I'll admit I'm a little star struck when she looks at me over her paper mask.  She started out by putting some numbing agent in my mouth before she started sticking me with needles.  Why do they make things cherry flavored?  It tastes like shit.  Never had an actual cherry that tasted bad like that in my life!

So then the needle and poking...not so bad.  Then the numbness.  Upper lip is gone.  Part of nose is gone.  Can't feel epiglottis anymore, which is something you never think about but you do notice when you can't feel that little bugger!

She tells me to let her know if I need more numbing...if I feel pain.  I decide I will tough it out as a reminder to myself to FLOSS since I don't like to do it and therefore do not do it as often as I should.  I think I will remember now.

It stung.  Some of the digging around and chipping and chiseling was downright unpleasant!  And then when she takes the suction hose into you mouth and you're supposed to close your lips on it so it can suck the crudded up spit out?  Well how in the hell are you supposed to close your lips when you can't feel them?  Let's just say that part didn't go well and there was some drooling and I swallowed some crudded up spit.

And my tummy was growling.  I did eat before I went but apparently not enough because my tummy was putting up an embarrassing show!  You'd think I never feed the damned thing the way it acts sometimes!

Anyways, I got thru this in good time...cut 30 minutes off the estimate and she'd told me the numbness should wear off in a couple of hours so I figured it'd be great and I could eat around 10:30 AM.

That didn't quite work out.  She'd told me to drink to wash some numbing agent out faster since the lower jaw wasn't numbed with needles since people don't like having numb tongues (go figure).  I tried to drink.  I really did!  I dribbled.  It's really hard to drink without an upper lip!

Also, I need to mention that when my upper lip is numbed I REALLY have a case of "resting bitch face syndrome".  BAD.

So, I got to work and I optimistically ordered lunch a bit after 11 AM.  Jimmy John's is really fast and I had it within seconds!  My lip was feeling partially alive again so I ate.  I ate messily though carefully.  Food kept falling out of my mouth.  I managed to drink too with minimal dribble.  Huzzah!

Later, when the numbness finally wore off, I could feel that my lips and cheeks and gums had all been abused.  The tech told me to pay close attention to my oral hygiene for the next while since she'd opened up a bunch of "pockets" in my gums for stuff to hide in and it will take a little while to heal.  Fun times!  I refuse to floss tonight.  I know I'm bad but my mouth has been tortured enough.  Anything I ate today gets to hide in the pockets for a night.  Since my gums are apparently loose and flappy now, I think it should be easy to get that shit out later, right?

Work was really slow.  Sudoku and trying to stay awake slow.  I decided not to waste another hour of my life doing nothing and to go out and Xmas shop instead.  Time to accomplish something useful!!  I checked my email from home and turns out that was a good call because none of the people I've been waiting on got back to me.  I would have wasted that last hour doing nothing.

So I shop!  I am crossing things off my list and feeling pretty good!  I have minor annoyances with my pants which I'll go into later but overall it was good.  Ran home to make a grocery list for the weekend of baking cookies.  Penelope followed me around demanding granola bars, which she wasn't allowed to have because it was too close to supper.  Didn't stop her from trying.

Back out the door and off to the races!  It's now rush hour and getting across Hwy 65 has become the nightmare.  Anyone who lives in this area knows what I'm talking about.  If you are trying to CROSS 65, you will wait your turn because the traffic lights allow about 3 cars per green, whilst if you are up/down on 65, you will drive almost like you're on an uninterrupted highway.  I hate hwy 65.  Always have.  Finally got across and off to the Walmart where I shopped like a madman.  And nearly wept at the price tag.  Well I didn't really but I did comfort myself that I returned some $13 slippers, like that made a dent.  It did tho.  $13 worth of a dent.

Then I get home.  I start hauling stuff in the house.  Load after load with a break after each to pull my damned pants up.  Here's where I vent about my damned pants.  Last weekend I shopped also and was SO EXCITED to find a pair of LONG pants <♫angels sing here♫> in a larger size that the other pairs I have.  I like the other pairs but they give me such a damned muffin top that it's embarrassing.  I guess, in all honesty, my fat gives me the muffin top, but still, I was excited to get some pants that conceivably would NOT give me a muffin top AND were long enough that I wasn't walking around looking like a dork (like usual).

The reality of these pants is they don't stay up worth a damn.  I need a damned belt.  They try to slide down off of me and escape all the damned time.  It gets incredibly annoying when I walk more than 3 steps!

And then the thought of buying a belt.  For some reason I can never find a decent leather belt that will fit around my hips.  I like jeans that ride the hips.  I hate waist high jeans.  It's a thing.

I'm not a tiny person.  Even when I'm thin, I'm not a tiny person.  I have some curves.  I have a butt.  My calves don't like skinny jeans but that's another story.

I'm bitter.  I remember back in the day when I was preggers and heard about sales on maternity pants and they were ALWAYS short.  I used to wear men's jeans because I could get long enough legs but since I've gotten curves when I buy to fit my butt my waist is HUGE if I try to go for men's jeans.  So I'm trapped in the eternal nightmare of trying to find long jeans, in the women's dept, in my size.  I don't like shopping very much so this is more of a problem for me than most.  I missed that female shopping gene.  When I go "shopping" with my girlfriends it is code for eating, drinking and bitching about work/etc and then wandering around looking at shoes until the buzz wears off so I can go home.

Sometimes I'll go to Marshall's or JCP but I usually don't buy anything since I usually don't find anything I want.  I have to be in the mood to spend money.  That doesn't happen super often.  I usually think I'm too broke.  It's a thing.  Works for me tho.  

I have a $20 limit for shoes.  If I like shoes and they are less than $20 I might buy them.  Tho I won't lately because I have way too many shoes.  They are trying to escape my closet all the time.  I need to cull the herd.

Everything is now put away.  I'm sitting so my jeans can't piss me off.  They are quite comfy for sitting in.  My next plan for tonight is to become a waste of skin and play some World of Warcraft and let my tongue fondle the wasteland in my mouth.  I'm in a better mental place right now than when I was bundled up and trying to hike my pants up thru my down filled coat before I ran outside to get more groceries to haul in.  There was a lot of OMFG's going on then.  A LOT.

And now I feel like it's time for another gratuitous pic of Bill Murray...

Know what's lame?  I've been working on this and it's 8 PM and I've had a cocktail and am wondering if I want to play WoW or go to bed.  IT'S FREAKING 8 PM AND I'M PONDERING GOING TO BED ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

And a cocktail is too strong a word.  A little Jeremiah weed and limeade in a plastic glass.  With a straw.  Cause I'm classy like that!

Thththththat's all folks!

Happy 4th Birthday Penelope!! You've come a long way baby!!

Today is Penelope's 4th birthday!!!

I remember watching her come into the world 4 years ago.  It was a great way to start the morning!  Her mother had been on strict bed rest for 2 months prior because Penelope decided she'd like to come visit us right after the 2nd trimester.  Thanks to her mother's determination and the good medical care she received, Penelope stayed put a bit longer and had more time to grow. 

They suspected there might be problems so there was a team in place to work on Penelope as soon as she arrived.  The birth went well.  Her mommy didn't need any drugs to manage pain and got the job done like a pro!  I was quite impressed with my daughter! 

Penelope arrived rather quietly.  As soon as she was born the team grabbed her limp little form and took her over to the bassinet to work on her.  I remember standing there, waiting for her cry.  I looked down and saw her parents both looking over towards their daughter, waiting.  We were quiet in those moments while the team worked.  Then she cried!  Wasn't too loud but there she was and a collective sigh of relief went out. 

Since then her parents became VERY familiar with the hospital as she had numerous health issues and needed a number of stays.  I also became quite familiar with the hospitals as I worried about her and wanted to be supportive of her and her parents so I was there as much as I could be. 

I've shed some tears of stress, worry and fear over that baby!!  So many things were scary about the process of getting her into this world and then helping her to thrive!  Her parents went thru many hard times but held up so well they made me very proud!  I felt that Penelope was very lucky to have such wonderful loving parents who would do anything for her!! 

She was finally diagnosed with Weaver Syndrome and that helped clarify some issues and set things up so that she could get the help she needed.  Sadly it didn't end the many hospital visits but they gradually eased over the years.  (Fingers crossed!!)

Now she's 4 years old!  She's a smiley, giggly little firecracker who makes me smile all the time!  She rides the bus to school 3 times a week.  Her teachers think she's the bee's knees!  She doesn't have the ability to speak much yet but she uses some sign language and says Mama and Dada and can make cow sounds and pig sounds and other sounds when she's in the mood to cooperate with our games.  She's very independent and bossy.  She's smart and sneaky.  She has mad skills with getting people to do what she wants without saying a word. 

For example:  She had her birthday party yesterday and decided it was time to go into the other room to play.  She, waving her arms to say c'mon, got everyone at her party to get up and go to the other room.  It was like a migration!  I also noticed she can get her mommy to give her an Oreo with a cute face and hugs and kisses. 

She thinks I need help moving my computer mouse and will sometimes place her hand over mine and push it around and click while I'm trying to play computer games.  Apparently I'm not doing it up to her standards.  Makes being a gamer somewhat interesting sometimes.  

She and her mommy live with me right now.  I wasn't sure how I'd like living with a little person again after all these years but it turns out I like it just fine.  She entertains me with her shenanigans!  I open the washing machine to start a load and find her toys in there.  I sometimes find them in the microwave oven.  I get cuddles and giggles most nights when we have our snuggle time.  She keeps trying to crack my password so she can get into my computer.  She sits down, pulls out the tray, turns it on, clicks on either my or her mom's icons and starts typing.  The other day she sent me a text on her mom's phone.  Since it was gibberish I figured it was her and mommy hadn't noticed she had the phone unlocked. 

She loves books.  All books.  Big ones without pictures fascinate her about as much as her books do.  She just plain likes them. 

She's a finicky eater.  She likes anything sweet tho is suspicious of apple crisp.  She will eat many things as long as they are in a quesadilla format.  She likes mac & cheese or any pasta with a red sauce on it.  She loves a good PB&J also.  Her mom told me they'd already eaten the other day when I got home so I made myself a sandwich which Penelope then helped me eat with great enthusiasm!  I kept looking at her thinking..."you ate already...right". 

Anyway, on this day, Penelope's 4th birthday, life is pretty great!  She's robustly healthy, happy and enjoying life and making the lives of those around her brighter!  She had a rough start but Nelly is showing us all how to enjoy life now!

Happy, happy birthday to Penelope!! So happy you're here in our lives!!  Love you Peanut!!

Here are some pics of Penelope thru the years...