I'm an agnostic. For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I think religious people could be right, they could be wrong. I'm personally no longer interested in getting all wrought up about it either way. As far as I know my life is here and that is what I shall focus on, rather than some mystical heaven or hell that may or may not be there. If there is life after death I vote for reincarnation! I'd rather come back, thank you! This is an awesome planet so I want more!
I was raised a Lutheran. Good solid people! Nice way to grow up too. I enjoyed the community feel that comes along with the church. The common ground. The ritual and traditions. They are all very comforting. As is the message. There are times, now that I've evolved to this point, where I miss that. But I feel like a fraud when I try to go back. It's no longer where I belong.
I grew up experiencing the world with wonder and questioning everything. For the longest time the Lutheran church suited me. God suited me. But certain things niggled at me even back then. I had to shut them down - stuff them. You lose a lot when you walk away from the church. You no longer fit with the majority. When everyone is offering prayers in a crisis, you don't because it'd be a lie. It feels awkward to be different. There isn't a quick, pat response like "we have you in our prayers" to say. There was a lot at stake to keep me shoving those questions down so I wouldn't have to face my personal truth. I shoved them down for a long time!
As an adult I struggled with various issues in the church. I studied the bible. I went to bible class and generally enjoyed debating points. But I was told "we don't believe that" so many times as a means to stop me from sharing my viewpoints that I started to really have problems with it. I guess the point I'm making is that in order to be truly faithful you have to NOT think very hard. In fact, it's recommended to shut that old brain down if you want to feel really safe in your religion. That was my experience anyway. Suspend logic and don't question. I don't work that way. I can't. It goes against my basic nature.
When I look at history I see that human kind has often, if not always, had gods in their lives. The reason for this, in my opinion, is that it gave them an illusion of control in a chaotic world. "If I do this and this, the gods will be pleased and the storms will pass or the hunters will get game, we'll win this battle, etc." It gave them a focus to unite under and a set of rules for everyone to live by in order to keep those gods happy. It also generated creativity...artwork...to please the gods. God/gods gave them many, many positive things. These gods also made for GREAT stories! We're still telling stories of the old gods now because it is entertaining stuff! To imagine all that power in a being that is so much like us? WOW!
There is a dark side to this. The power and control it gives to those wise and wicked enough to wield it. The corruption that permeates any human organization. There is always some segment using it for their own ends and causing havoc and destruction along the way.
Aside from these pros and cons, does it mean ANY god exists? I personally think it is as basic as people trying to find comfort and security out of chaos. I think the odds of an all powerful, omniscient God really existing are pretty slim. I think he exists, in a way, because people need him to. But not really. He is a common imagined entity, created by history and repetition and early indoctrination, with santions for those who don't cooperate.
Having grown up with God in my life it's hard to think he's not there. He maybe is. Maybe not. Logically I'm inclined to think he's not. Humanly and out of habit, I still treat him like an imaginary friend and occassionally have talks with him. I know that logic tells me he's been cooked up as part of the human condition, but that would feel like losing an old friend so I still hang on a bit. Even agnostics need the illusion of comfort sometimes! But to actually go into a church and pledge the whole gammut would be pushing it HARD for me. It's a strange thing to go to church now. I know the words. I know the rituals. I no longer find comfort in them...instead I feel like a fraud. It is not a comfortable place for me any longer. Hasn't been for years.
Another point I feel compelled to make is that I do believe there is the possibility of life after death. Once again, I don't know. It doesn't have to be heaven or hell, but if the church is right maybe... Maybe it is reincarnation. Maybe it's a new planet or a new plane of existence? Maybe it's nothing. Maybe we just end. Regardless, it's going to happen to all of us and there is no avoiding it. I choose to deal with what I know. I know I'm walking this planet and I don't know for how long. THIS is my life! It's the only one I'm sure I'm getting so I plan to savor and enjoy it as much as possible! I'm not going to worry about what comes next because nobody knows. it's like packing for a trip when we have no idea what we need. We won't know until we get there. I'm going to enjoy this moment and the next and I'm going to keep doing that as long as I have breath in my body.
The reason I say I'm a christian is because, in my way, I am! I grew up hearing about Jesus. I do believe he probably walked this world. I think he had a great message about how to treat others. It's a good way to live! Take care of others and serve. Try to be a good person. I follow his teachings even if I don't buy into him being the son of god and dying for our sins. I don't believe in the resurrection but I do believe he had a LOT of things right about how people can be happiest. If you are good to people and they follow and are good to you, what a nice place this world can be! Try it! It makes you feel good to do something nice for someone else without expecting something in return. So I'm not a classic christian by any stretch but I think it fits.
Being an agnostic or an athiest doesn't have to mean that you are evil and running amok! Religious people shouldn't have to feel threatened by us. Most of us are a lot like them. We go to work, raise our families and vote. Some think they need to save us. Terribly annoying! Please don't! At least not with me. I've been part of it. Now I'm not. Both are ok but I know where I fit.
There is good and evil in this world. It exists in all of us to varying degrees. We do have free will to choose how to live. Religious or not doesn't change that.
So, at this point in my spiritual evolution I call myself an agnostic christian. I like it!
No comments:
Post a Comment