My Scribbles: The end is near

Ok, this day started out pretty fantastic! Bruiser let me sleep last night. ALL NIGHT!!! In fact, I woke up at 4 AM and wondered if he had died in his sleep! I was peeking over the edge of my bed but couldn't see if he was breathing. He looked comfy so I decided I didn't want to know until morning anyway and went back to sleep. It was wonderful! And there he was, right on time, letting me know it was time for breakfast and to go out!

I love freakish incidents like that! I'm not crazy enough to expect it to continue but I certainly wouldn't complain if it did.

Got home and found out he didn't have any accidents in the house. Bruiser has had a banner day! I reminded him that he likes to be petted and he made a point of getting some loves here and there before he went back to bed.

Having a good night and day doesn't change the overall issues. He has dementia. He isn't going to improve. So far he's pretty healthy physically. Thing is, winter is coming hard and fast. Had our first little spurt of snow today. It didn't hit 40 that I'm aware of. Bruiser was shivering but determined that he didn't want to wear his sweater. He doesn't handle the cold well anymore. He never did but last spring, it drug on and he really suffered. So what's coming soon will make him suffer.

Today has been a good day with my pup. I'm grateful for it! I'd like a whole week of good days so here's hoping!

Today was rather slow at work so I took some time to ponder death. It's been a process but I'm ready to embrace it and acknowledge that it's part of life. It's hard. I think most of us try to run from death. Well who wants to die? I kept thinking how my aversion to it was bordering on utter stupidity when I'm walking around like a half zombie from lack of sleep for weeks on end. It's that powerful survival instinct. Even when it comes to those we love...it definitely extends beyond ourselves. BUT we all must die. This cannot be avoided. To learn to accept that is a long, painful road sometimes.

When I pick it apart logically I understand that Bruiser will never be young again. He will never howl with his pack because he doesn't hear us. And he just doesn't do that anymore. Bruiser doesn't play anymore. Hasn't since Penelope was quite a bit smaller. He did have fun teasing her with his little narly red tiger toy. He'd put it in front of him, butt up and wait for her to take it. She'd take it and then he'd gently take it back (he has a soft mouth with the little ones) and start the process over again. He's a natural born tease so this game worked really well for him! Those times were the last I recall him showing interest in play. Bruiser doesn't run anymore - except for a few steps after a bath - that invigorates him. He doesn't greet anyone with excitement tho he will sometimes wander out to see what's going on if he figures out someone is here. He doesn't go for walks because it hurts and he limps and walks very, very slowly.

Right now he's physically in decent shape for an almost 15 yr old. He is mostly deaf. He is losing his vision. He has aches and pains but his coat shines and he eats well and he looks pretty handsome for an old pup. It will go downhill from this moment. His mind is not good. I think he knows us but I couldn't swear to it. But I think he does. Lately he's shown more interest in people, meaning he comes out and sits and looks at us briefly sometimes and then goes back to bed. He paces. That's also part of the dementia but it's some sort of exercise so I'll take it! His life is a sliver of what it was. I've done my best to keep him as comfortable and cared for as I can. I think I've been pretty successful! But like I said, things will only get worse.

So right now, Lacey & I are sleep deprived. Lacey is cleaning up messes in the house on a regular basis no matter how often he is let out. He cries a lot. It's getting colder. This is like a high point for him compared to the coming months. I'd rather let him go before he has to suffer thru the cold and before we have to have some more serious problem because of lack of sleep. Today I did some really stupid stuff at an intersection and Lacey & I laughed but honestly it shows how distracted I am at this point. It's not good.

Lacey & I had errands to run so I debated making the call to the vet to set up Bruiser's appt. I decided to just get it done. I called and was pretty cool as I told them that I wanted to schedule a euthanasia appt for Bruiser. They asked me about disposing of his body and some other nice services they offer and I lost it. They were very kind and understanding. I asked them if I could pre-pay for the services and they said that was fine so I will take care of that tomorrow.

I hung up and cried. They have taken good care of him his whole life. For all my bitching about costs they have helped me manage his various issues over the years and put up with his drama queen antics whenever we went in. I have had some laughs over his antics at the vet's office! Friday will be quick so he won't have time to get wound up. For that I'm grateful.

So tonight after I returned from errands I was washing the dishes and crying. I'm crying as I write this. It's therapy. It helps me sort out my thoughts. I can be super logical but that old emotional side won't let me off the hook. So I know it's the right thing to do. Doesn't make it less painful.

I wish I could get into my E drive and post some older pics of my pup but my cable appears to be crapped out. Sadly I don't have a lot of older pics from that drive. I pulled some of these off my facebook. Here are some of my photo memories of life with Bruiser...