There was some good information out there on the internet. It's not something a lot of people want to talk about. I'm a bit embarrassed to be talking about it but since I was so curious about some things that I didn't have answers to I feel it's worthwhile to write a few of the things I learned going thru the experience.
Here's some of what I learned. I hope it helps if you're heading into your own right of passage event!
1) I learned that there is a lot of twisted humor about colonoscopies when I was trying to learn about them. Savor those cartoons. Use them during the tough times to keep yourself feeling upbeat about the process. Just do NOT laugh! There are certain times when laughing will be a horrible idea!
2) There are websites that rate the softness of toilet paper. For reals! They use a grading scale. I went out and got some good stuff. Rated A- which was the highest rated I saw on the one site.
3) It doesn't matter how soft your toilet paper is or if you have flushable wipes. Your butt is going to be sore. You will truly dread the next touch of your super soft toilet paper. It will happen. It didn't even take that long for it to happen.
4) The stuff they give you liquefies everything in your gut. (Note: The stuff doesn't taste bad but you have to drink a LOT of it - you'll be so full you'll kind of forget that you haven't eaten for a long time.) You aren't pooping, you're peeing out of your butt like a whale venting its blowhole after a deep dive.
5) Based on #4, do NOT take phone calls during this phase. It's hard to explain why you threw the phone across the room when you were sprinting to the bathroom. Plan to be incommunicado. Texts are accepted. They can be answered without offense and at your leisure.
6) Don't go more than 4-5 steps away from the bathroom. If you feel the slightest urge to go, MOVE. Get yourself to that toilet! I'm not kidding about this. You'll have almost no warning before all hell breaks loose! Another tip...don't put down the toilet lid. Bending over to flip it up could end in disaster.
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| What's wrong with this picture? Toilet lid is down. BAD IDEA! |
7) This will continue, to some extent, all night long. It does settle down some after a few hours but sleep lightly. Don't trust a fart. Put this into your head before you go to sleep. People fart in their sleep. This is a bad idea! Remember, you can sleep deeply later. You don't want to be changing bedding during this phase. Bending over to unmake/make the bed is not a good idea!
8) You could wake up the morning thinking..."I'm empty, whew". Then you'll take the next bottle of stuff they gave you (which tastes kind of indescribable) and you'll find out you weren't empty.
9) Follow directions about when to stop drinking water and when to take your meds and you will get to the point where you're ok to travel to your appt. If you're like me tho, you'll no longer trust any sense of pressure in your nethers and will want to bolt for the nearest bathroom at a moments notice. You will be scoping for bathrooms on the way to check-in. Your body may or may not finally knock it off despite these urges. Mine kept going. I mentioned this to the nurse...how I felt the urge but nothing was happening. Her response was that my "colon was irritated". Ya think??
10) The stuff they give you to help you relax for the actual test works pretty nice! I didn't sleep - I got to see my insides - it was kind of cool - I was stoned at the time. I don't remember feeling even slightly embarrassed about what was going on behind me. I was just watching the zooming around going on the screen in front of me. It seemed like they were zooming around in there. I watched them snip a polyp, saw it bleed a little and thought wow, that didn't even hurt! There are times when being drugged is good.
Afterward my son took me home. I don't think I acted weird or anything. My tummy was aching a bit from being so empty. I couldn't wait to go home and eat. I was surprised at how little it took to make me feel better so I could sleep. I had banana bread, a little applesauce and a tiny Cherry Garcia ice cream. Then I slept really good for a while!!
11) You might get a nice bruise from your IV to prove you suffered. Sadly most people don't seem notice hands so they won't be exclaiming about your poor hand or giving you any sympathy about it. It's rather pitiful to go around pointing it out tho I'll admit I did point it out to one person at least. If no one sees your IV bruise, was it really there?
12) The next morning was a little weird. My tummy was rumbling and working on that food I'd eaten the night before. It was loud and rowdy like it was having a party or something! It scared me after my recent experiences. Luckily it settled down and got back to normal after a few hours.
The main thing I wondered about was how long would the poop fest last. Well, in summary, all night and into the next day with short breathers here and there. Do NOT trust a fart!! There is no such thing as a fart during this process.The good news, it's pretty much done after the exam. Still, fart with caution for a while. I said "pretty much done", not 100% done.
Another thing was would I be embarrassed during the exam? Nope. I was somewhat high and didn't care one bit! Surprisingly, I still don't!
There are worse things in life I've been thru but I could happily go the rest of my life without doing this again. I didn't like it. Since they found polyps guess who gets to do this again in 5 years?
Bleah.
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