Restless...

I've apparently been keeping my own counsel too much lately.  I could correct the problem but don't want to talk to anyone.  Not really.  I don't really like to call people on the phone.  I have a weird phobia about that.

Sometimes I get like this.

Being alone so much is soothing to me and yet it can lead to nights like tonight.  I feel edgy.  I feel like the beast inside me is pacing.  Waiting.  It's not a violent beastie at least.  Not this time.  It's just restless.

I try to read but can't focus.  Same with TV shows.  I've debated playing World of Warcraft but I figure I won't stick to that more than 15 minutes either.

I got a call today from one of my realtors and found out there is a buyer on the line and a contingency buyer has just been added to the lineup.  Maybe one of these will be the one?  I hope so!  Maybe buyer #4 or #5 will be the charm?  (#3 wanted to move 7 people in here.  The park said NO.)

This restless feeling comes mostly from the house.  If I do get the call soon, then my life will kick into high gear getting things packed up and into storage while working a full time job.  I have stress either way.  The longer I stay here, the longer I have to support the house.  Once it's sold I have to pack up and get out and live here and there until it's time to go south.  At least I have cash flow again.  Paying the bills wasn't fun today.  I'm comforted knowing more will be coming in soon.  It's good to be back to work!

I'm in limbo now.  I've been in limbo for a while now.  Before the lay off even.  I've spent years working towards this next step in my life.  It's so close now I can almost reach out and touch it.  At the same time I grieve at its approach.  Things never stay the same.  Sometimes moving on hurts.

Everything is simultaneously win-win and lose-lose for me right now.  The future is unwritten.  But it is planned.  As much as it can be planned anyway.

Patience is my middle name though that beastie in me sometimes chomps to be loose!  I'm holding back.  Always holding back.  Sometimes I can feel how hard I'm holding.  Like tonight.

When I was a girl I used to imagine that my bones and muscles were configured differently than they are.  That I had fur.  That my canines were long and sharp.  The animal I identified with was a cougar.  It's quiet and soft.  It's natural.  It sometimes screams and slashes.  It hides.  It watches.  It pays attention even if others don't notice it's there.

Even at this stage of life I still find that creature lurks inside my mind.  When I'm enraged, I feel like that big cat slashing out and baring teeth and ready to attack.  I want to bite and destroy!  I feel like that cat pacing inside her cage at the zoo right now.  It's funny how some things stick with you.

Does anyone else have, let's call it a spirit animal, living in their skins or am I the only weird one?  I figure I'm not alone.  I may be the only 52 year old grandma to admit it though.  <I'm smiling>

I've often said I'd like to be reincarnated as a grizzly bear because I could sleep all winter, eat salmon, scratch my ass on logs with impunity and no one with half a brain would fuck with me.  But inside that cougar has always been there.  It's me.  My id.  "the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends"  That's for those who haven't studied Freud.  There is also the ego and super ego.  Those control me 98% of the time but that cat is always there.

Now you know.  When I refer to my beastie, it's my id.  And it's feeling less restless now.  Writing helps.  Maybe I'm boring it?  Possible.