“Glenna, do you feel like you’re surrounded by idiots?”

One of my coworkers asked me that question today.  I was actually proud of her!  She poked the bear (me - I fit that bill pretty well in our office space)!  I restrained myself from total honestly and said “yes <pause for effect> especially when driving”.  It was one of my perversely prouder moments at work recently!

We’re working on team building at work.  I’ve been pushing for this so am on board with the plan.  I have a fantasy of working well with my teammates, trusting them and their abilities, bringing up the quality of the services we provide by cross training and improving processes by sharing knowledge and smoothing out work loads by sharing work.  

To that end, recently, I moved into a room with 4 other people.  One other introvert (like myself) and 3 extroverts.  We're going to try to get to know/understand each other better and eventually cross train and share workloads.  Sounds like a great idea in theory!

While this IS a great idea in some ways it has problems.  I know we are opening a can of worms in some ways.  Some things are getting aired out on my part - my coworkers are getting to know me a bit - liking me might be another story but they are getting to know me a bit. Affection is nice but unnecessary as far as I'm concerned.  I'm ok with respectful professionalism and I'm working on that.

I’m still an introvert.  That's not going to change.  I'm also rather intolerant of too much peopling.  Also not going to change.  I’m out of my comfort zone.  When I choose to be with people, I’m generally pretty picky about who I’m going to spend much time with.  Work forces unnatural relationships on me.  I’ve learned how to act more extroverted thanks to having extroverted parents and watching them do their thing as I grew up, but the fact is that being around people stresses me out.  That's a basic fact about me.

There has been some progress as far as the team.  I’ve been able to make peace and work effectively with one coworker that I’ve had personality conflicts with previously.  It’s going surprisingly well!  She’s the one I had the proud "poked the bear" moment with today.  

Some of these people really trigger my urge to poke the bear and part of me delights in it.  Like when one of my coworkers thought I was out of the office and asked another coworker if they were alone (we have walls sort of so she couldn’t see me at that moment).  I piped up and said “Nope!  I’m here so you’ll have to wait longer to talk about me!”  I'll admit I sat in my office space behind a wall smirking to myself as she sputtered.

This is someone I’ve historically made a point of avoiding because #1 she’s not my type of person and #2 she’s been bitchy to me in the past, framing is as a “joke” that I didn't find funny.  I’ve called her out on this since we’re now office mates.  They want us to get to know each other which to my mind means that the air needs to be cleared a bit.  If I have to sit with someone day in and day out I’m not going to let them blow smoke up my ass about anything.  Get straight with me or shut it.  

Now she knows what I thought about her bitchy "joke" and that I know she was being bitchy to me.  She finally shut up her defense of it being a joke once she realized I wasn’t going to play the nice-nice game with her.  I'm not going to pretend to make nice.  Suck it up and deal.  If you don't like it, stop handing the shit out or it's coming back at you.  

    I don’t like it when people act like assholes and get away with it.  If they know they’re going to get called out it takes some of the fun out of the whole deal.  

You might think I’m acting like an asshole.  I do that.  I'm not above it.  Sometimes I frolic in my asshole-ness!  I frolic like a mo-fo!  It can be really, really fun to let loose with my bitchy side!  I generally try not to at work but sometimes a bit gets loose on me even there.  I normally hold most of it in until I'm driving home and then I call people who appreciate that asshole that I am and we laugh and laugh!  Well, if you want to, call me out on it if it bothers you and we’ll deal with it.  

    

(these made me laugh)

I’ve warned certain people who like to complain about how “Glenna doesn’t like me” that I’m not interested in baby games, I'm not interested in their emotional needs/dramas around the office and if we act like grown-ups and professionals then things should be fine.  

So that’s me.  I’m not a great “team” player. 

I have fairly simple rules of communication:  Don’t turn one question into two by asking if you can ask me something.  Irritating.

I don’t do small talk.  It’s an inane waste of time.  Not my bag, life is too short to waste on idiotic conversation.  Unless it’s about something funny…then go for it! 

(go for it - I'm waiting)

Don’t baby talk to me.  When you do that the evil beastie side of me wakes up.  That’s the best way I can describe what it feels like when I get triggered.  Best comparison is that I’m like my cat, Lucy.  She is a dominant personality in our house and is triggered by our other cat, Chloe, who lacks confidence and slinks around like prey.  Chloe ends up being treated like prey because she acts like prey. 

If you act like a cringing or cowering animal when you approach me; if you baby talk to me like you’re trying to appease me or appear small to me…I'll find it extremely unappealing and want to get you away from me quickly and keep you away from me so that I won't have to spend so much time reigning in my evil beastie side.  

It's actually better to go around thinking I don't like you than to deal with that less-than-nice side of my personality.  

Honestly, does it really even matter if I like you?  You didn't take this job to have a social life did you?  I took this job to work.  I'm lucky I've made some friends along the way but I go to work each day so that I can pay for my REAL life...the one I live when I'm not at work.  The one that ISN'T replaceable like a job is.  

Moral of the story: Act like a grown up, don't be an idiot, talk to me like a normal person and we should do alright.

I would like a better team atmosphere.  I’d like to be able to leave work and not be “punished” with overload when I return.  I’d like to have others be able to step in and take care of my clients when I’m gone.  I’d like to be able to keep everyone busier instead of a few of us who work at home at night and on weekends to keep up while others seem to have time to nap and wander around socializing.  For that I/we need a functioning team.  For that I need to work on this.    For that I need to spend some time out of my comfort zone.  I have to deal with people I'd prefer to not speak to.  I have to sit in a room of noise/people/input that stresses me out.  

I recognize that I'm part of the problem because I don't always play well with others.  In some ways I will remain a problem that way because there's a limit to how much I'm going to put up from my coworkers.  I'm bendable but there are limits.  But we have a common goal and hopefully we can do better together.  It's not going to be comfortable but I've already made gains from discomfort.  

Do I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots?  You want the real answer?  Obnoxiously and honestly, yes I do, but I'm working on it!  

Proud moment and venting accomplished for tonight - thank you!

I've been sulking today...

Do you ever have a day where you just can't throw off a "poor me" mood? 

That's the story of my life today.  It's obnoxious!  I've been feeling in this mood all day.  I've been wallowing in it frankly.  Maybe it's time to knock it off?  I don't know.  I must be getting something out of it since I'm not ready to let it go just yet.

I'm going to write a list of my woes and see if I find any enlightenment about my situation:
>  I have a zit under my nose. 

>  I went to Rancheritos and order $22+ dollars of food and pretty much everything I tried to eat was awful.  The tacos were greasy and yet dry and totally lacked flavor.  Ken tasted them and made awful faces so I'm vindicated.  The guacamole looked like baby diarrhea and didn't taste much better than it looked.  I ate rice pudding and beer for supper.  Now I'm sullen about it.  The guacamole was smooth!  Gag.  

> I sulked because I had to take World of Warcraft off my computer because I need my computer for work.  I'm being a fucking responsible adult and it sucks balls.  My computer was overloaded and I was constantly getting warnings about disc space.  I couldn't even log into the game for fear it would start an update and kill my computer.  So my computer is only good for work.  And blogging.  

> I have no money for another computer because we have health insurance issues that we're waiting to resolve.  My company was bought out right before Ken had knee replacement surgery and we got a new insurance company.  We have far surpassed our deductible but had to keep paying since nothing had caught up yet (luckily the previous payments towards deductibles are rolling into the new insurance but...) so now we're stuck paying all these bills and waiting for insurance to reimburse us for all the extra we've had to pay.  This could take a long time to resolve knowing how fast insurance companies work.  On the bright side at least we can pay them and carry the load until it resolves!  It could be worse.  Holy hell I hope it doesn't get worse!!!

>  The lawn mower died last weekend so I had to buy another one.  Good news is I had a coupon and got $20 off!  Bad news is I had to buy a new lawnmower.  The good news is it is self propelled.  I tested it and practically had to chase it.  Best to stop on a high note with this one.

>  The lawn is a mess of weeds and it's big and I'm tired.  It's like 4 times the size of the yard when I lived in the mobile home park and I suffered with that one - this one...holy shite!  Normally the lawn would be Ken's milieu but with him being out of commission with knee replacement for the next while it's on me and I'm losing the battle.  The biggest part of this is that both us are continually bothered by this every time we look at the yard.  We like things nice and I'm coming up short.  I mow and within an hour, they raise their little heads again like they're saying "nya nya!!"

at least bees love them - there is that!

>  I have the spring fever.  I'm restless.  So is Ken.  Ken's knee aches if he has to have it bent for too long or away from ice too long.  He's getting a lot better but he's miles away from road trips or hiking right now.  So we stay home 98% of the time.  We even work at home since the surgery.  It's so bad that despite an annoying co-worker I'm almost, almost, looking forward to going back to work next week just to be out of the house and doing something OUT.  Going to get Ken's staples out on Tuesday was my big adventure and I actually dressed nice since I was going to be around people!  I wore a bra and makeup and everything!!!

>  I have a dresser in mid-renovation all over the garage and I need to get it sanded and another coat of primer on it and then a couple coats of paint and then a sealer coat on it.  In my free time when I'm not pussing out and watching Jessica Jones on Netflix and justifying my lack of initiative.  

That's enough of my list.  I could whine about more but frankly I'm getting a bit sick of myself.  I haven't found any enlightenment beyond being entertained by looking for memes to use in this post.  

When Ken and I decided it was time to have his knee done we knew it would have an impact on our lives both short and long term.  At this moment I'm chafing a bit under the short term restrictions but at the same time I'm sooooo glad we got this done so Ken will feel better and we can have a more active lifestyle without him having so much pain!

He put it off until he just couldn't take it anymore.  I'm glad that part of this is over with.  Despite needing ice most of the time, he's only taking Tylenol now and again and is coping with pain better than I've seen him in years.  THAT makes everything worth it!  The bad lawn that is kicking my ass...the medical bills thru the roof...the lack of adventure...every bit of it is worth it for the future for him.  For him to be able to do more of the things he's wanted to do.  To not have to fight with him to try to protect him from himself all the time.  It's worth it.  

Maybe I have found enlightenment or at least have found a way towards pushing back the sulk.  It's like the dandelions in my yard.  

I can choose to see them like this and hate them...

Or I can squint a bit and see them like this...

I think my motto for the next while will be to tell myself to "squint".  

Moving on...

I always enjoy my quiet weekend mornings by myself.  I get up earlier than Ken and have some time to drink my coffee and read my book and listen to the sounds of the world around me waking up.  There's a rooster near here who likes to perform before the sun rises.  Sometimes I hear the horses snuffling.  They know Dave will be out to feed them shortly.  If I look out the window I'll most likely see them and the goats all "aimed" at the back door of the landlord's house, waiting for him to come outside.

This morning someone's dog (across the street) was unhappy about being outside.  They must have let him in because he's finally shut up.

There is a rhythm to it all and I like it.

It feels weird to think that in a couple of weeks this will be history for us.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon cleaning at our new place.  We've found a house and signed a lease.  If this relationship works well we'll be there for several years.  We've been having some fun pondering possibilities of what we'll do with a yard and all the space we'll have.

Ken has lived in this cozy little apartment for the past 8 years.  He moved here during a rough spot in his life.  He was in the process of getting a divorce after almost 20 years of marriage.  He'd also been recently laid off and was trying to find a job and survive on unemployment benefits.  This little apartment and our good landlords gave him a comfortable place to live, were understanding when rent was late because he had no money, shared their garden with him, invited him to holiday dinners when he was alone and became trusted and valued friends.

We've loved and lost some animals during our time here.  Old Smokey, the kick ass barn cat.  Kind of a legendary dude.  He took on raccoons one night and won, tho he lost a fang.  He was the king of this small farm and carried himself accordingly.  He was one of those animals that made you feel a little bit extra cool if he decided to love you.  He loved Ken.  He even liked me!  If Ken drove up, Smokey would come trotting up for his scratches and loves.  It was a sad day when he passed.

Ken's kitty, Baby, passed also during his time here and is buried out back with Smokey.  As did Kramer, just since I've lived here.  Kramer always thought she was a wild kitty and when she'd get out she'd hang out with Smokey.

We met the colt, Brigham, the day after he was born and have enjoyed watching him grow.  He was full of piss and vinegar and pretty funny to watch.

It's nice to look out your back window and see horses.  As a kid I would have died and gone to heaven to live in a place like this!  Now that I've developed allergies I'm more removed but I still appreciate all of this.  I've enjoyed that I can buy a bag of carrots and spend some time out in the company of horses.  It's good for the soul.  Plus it's fun to give them treats!

We've watched the goats grow up from adorable little baby goats to funny goofballs who nap on their food and fake fight all the time.  You have to see it to appreciate how they "fight"!  It's ridiculous!

Dave (landlord) is a lover of all critters and even took in a baby raven.  It was a fun summer as that bird grew and finally decided to fly off to it's own adventures.

By the end of this month we'll be in our new digs and will close another chapter on the past and start something new.  It's a good thing but it's also sad.

Since I moved here about a year and a half ago, most of my belongs have been in climate controlled storage for lack of space in the apartment.  In a way it doesn't feel like I'm completely "here".  I'm looking forward to having my things around me again!  My artwork on the walls, my kitchen wares.  All of my clothes in one place!

At the same time, everything I do right now has a tinge of goodbye to it.  I went thru this when I left MN.  That was far more dramatic than this move will be...I doubt I will cry my eyes out when I drive away this time like I did that time!  But I have to give this place its due.

Ken had a safe, comfortable place to live.  His kids have lived here too.  Islie spent her early years under this roof while her mom went to beauty school and became able to support them both.  Ken's kids have squeezed in here with him and enjoyed it!

I've been visiting this apartment for years also and have finally made it my home.  I'm not as attached as Ken but I totally understand what he means when he says "he's put down roots".  While he's excited about the move and having a yard and space and making the house into a home, he's also grieving this place. 

So, little apartment, thank you.  Thank you for being a home when it was much needed.

We will always remember our time here fondly.

Day One

I began my diet today. Not enjoying it right now. Feeling really hungry and low energy.

Contentment

At this moment I am content.

I just looked over at the couch and Ken is snoring away on it.

He's wearing his traditional shorts, t-shirt (belly showing as he sleeps) and black socks.  Still has his glasses on but I don't want to disturb him to take them off.  He's been cutting down on caffeine, trying to be healthier, so he is tired.

I look at him and listen to him snoring and think how much I love him.  It's calm and solid.  It used to be the excitement and all that jazz, in the early days.  It still has its moments but now, most of the time, it has evolved into something solid, calm and steady that I can live with.  Something I can no longer imagine living without.

I'm not failing with him if I'm just myself.  I don't have to hide anything or pretend to be anything that I'm not.  The good, the bad and the ugly are all parts of me and accepted.  Fat or skinny.  Young(er) or old.  Bitchy or snarky.  It's ok.

And that goes back at him.  He can be exactly what he is, feel whatever he feels and that's perfect for me.

Except when he feels bad.  I don't like that.

He makes me smile every day without any effort that I can discern.

Life is good with this man.  😍

Lightweight

In spite of the previous comments (which I erased because I felt like it - it's my blog and I can do what I want), it happens that I like Utah!  It has it's weird parts but so did Minnesota, in another direction, and same with North Dakota in another.  There is no perfect state.  BUT Utah has some spectacular scenery!

Every day when I'm out and about I'm admiring the light here.  The way it hits the mountains is often spectacular!  Utah has a talent for sating my senses with natural beauty.  I'll forgive it's stupid quirks (like the Zion wall).

I went snowshoeing with a pal for the first time last weekend!  That is a hell of a full body work out!!!

Before I went I was worried about walking funny and the strain it might put on my hips.  I imagined something a bit different than the reality.  I blame movie westerns.  Modern snowshoes are not like that.

The reality was educational.  I loved how easy it was to put them onto my snowboots!  I expected to be fainting from bending over (not my best position since my belly is currently rather large and that makes breathing hard when I'm curled up).  Only took me a few minutes!  I figured maybe this wouldn't be half bad.  (I am a marshmallow after all, who has some illusions about my physical capabilities.)

Started walking.  I was sinking down farther than I'd expected.  And hauling a bunch of snow (like a shovel full) per step.  Probably because of the enlarged belly I mentioned earlier.  I DID have to walk a bit funny but was still feeling pretty good that I didn't have to walk as funny as I thought I might have to.

We decided to go off road and hike down a trail that someone else had broken.  Didn't take long to discover that your feet/knees/etc end up in odd positions when snowshoeing down hill!  Normally you can lean back on your heels.  In snowshoes, you can try to lean back on your heels but you're basically going to just feel really fucking awkward and hope you don't fall on your face!

Oh, and turning sideways is an adventure.  Try it!  You haven't lived until you try a hard turn in snowshoes!

We made it into some pretty snow.  It was stuck on the trees and everything looked so pretty!!

This is fucking beautiful!!!

We found a stream and critter tracks (some fat critter with stubby legs).

Poor stubby little dude!  Just look at these tracks!  If my junk was under my belly I would totally hate that!!  I'd probably never be able to procreate because my junk got frostbite!

Then Tammie (my more athletic friend) and I got the bright idea to break our own trail!  Huzzah!!  Well, we did get an education in how hard it is to break your own trail when you're (I'm) out of shape and shoveling a path with every step you take!  It didn't take long until our faces were red and we were gasping in an embarrassing way (well I was and it gave Tammie an excuse to take a breather herself).

Tammie decided to kneel since we were afraid if we laid down in the snow we'd never be able to get back up.  Let me tell you that based on Tammie's experience, kneeling in snowshoes is NOT a good idea unless you have a friend to help you get up.  Turns out snowshoes don't like it when you do anything but stand and they make getting out of any other position a real challenge.  I'll admit I laughed at her!  Quite a bit!!  But I refrained from taking pictures.  Why?  I'm questioning that to this day.  You'll just have to enjoy imagining it yourself.  Moral of this story:  stay upright when wearing snowshoes no matter how bad you want to kneel or lie down to take a break!

We saw some gorgeous views!  We made it to a picnic table and of course I had to sit down.  This ended up being a bad idea since my ass was apparently boiling hot and melted the ice to the point where it looked like I peed my pants when I stood up.

By this point I was starting to get worried.  My groin was complaining about hauling shovelfuls of snow around with every step.  Damned groin was making a strong point that it was getting to be time to knock this shit off!

So I pussied out and opted for what appeared to be the most direct and, we assumed, gentlest climb back up to the Jeep.  What followed would have been more embarrassing if Tammie wasn't such a good sport!  I have mild asthma and had challenged the shit out of it with this adventure.  It reminded me every few steps up that hill that I am a marshmallow.

I did the same thing when I tried to climb a switchback in Yellowstone years ago.  My kids were running back and forth, up and down the path, wondering why it was taking me so long.  BECAUSE I'M A WUSSY MARSHMALLOW THAT'S WHY!!!

I learned that snowshoeing works your arms too.  I had poles and was using the crap out of them.  My arms were freaking tired from snowshoeing!  That was not a side effect I'd expected at all.  Why?  I don't know.  Because I don't know everything.  Yet.

Sigh.  But at least I was out there doing it!  I was having fun too!  I had good company and beautiful scenery.  I was getting exercise so I could later go home, curl up with the kitty and watch girl movies without guilt (not that I suffer much guilt from doing that but still).

Tho, when I finally made it to the top and took those snowshoes off and felt like pirouetting (my groin would have had a spasm if I'd tried but I really did kinda want to), I realized that part of the fun of snowshoeing is being DONE with snowshoeing!  

Then we saw a moose!  I haven't seen a moose in the wild for a few years so that was a sweet bonus!  Tammie said she could have snowshoed all day.  That would have killed me.  Seriously.  I would have caved and laid down in the snow and waited for a copter to come take me to the hospital.  But I'm glad I did it and I'll probably do it again.

It's like labor.  You feel so good when it's over with that you tend to whitewash the parts that weren't super fun...but the scenery, the shared suffering and laughing at Tammie stuck on her knees in the snow was pretty damned funny!

Happy Turkey Day!!

One thing I love about the holidays is that the memories of past holidays that come with them.

Most days don't work that way.  Birthdays...sort of.  Christmas...very much the same as Thanksgiving for this memorial quality.  There is no way for me to make it thru a major holiday without the ghosts of Thanksgiving (or Christmas) past joining me.  Luckily I like ghosts!

The holidays are all about memories.  That's part of the magic of them.


Today I think about the last 28 years in MN, spending most holidays at my sister's home.  I remember our kids taking the video recorder and filming movies using olives and corks, etc.  They were actually pretty hilarious and inventive!

I remember when my kids were little enough to snuggle in my lap.  They were so adorable and there are few things in the world more satisfying than snuggling with your child.

I'll be honest and admit I miss that!  To my kids: this is not an invitation to snuggle on my lap next time I see you...you're too big!  I will use my grandkids for this now.  Sorry!  But know that I really, really loved it when you were small enough and fit just right and I miss your little versions sometimes!  Some of you have kids old enough to understand exactly what I mean!

I'm really enjoying these memories!  I remember the huge feasts at Stacey & Jesus' place, since none of us had any restraint during the holidays.  We'd cook everything that we could think of to cook and in sizable quantities!  It was so much fun!  And delicious.

Then I think back to being a kid.  I remember my sister and I "practicing" for thanksgiving.  I think it was my sister and I???  It could have been either or both brothers too.  I wish my memories were always crystal clear but alas, they aren't.

Anyway, I do remember that we ate like pigs for a few weeks ahead of time to stretch our tummies so we could eat massive amounts on the big day.  It worked!   We crawled from the table to digest and laid on the floor in the living room until pie time because we were so full!  Our mother was disgusted with us - we had new guests at that meal and she wasn't impressed with our gluttonous performance.

Some of my best memories are of the holidays in Rugby.  We had grandparents and aunts and uncles up there.  Cousins from there and out of town would come.  We'd all be sent to play in the basement. The adults wanted a break and honestly, we had so much fun down there!

I loved it when Grandpa Lester would set up the movie camera and play home movies from years past.  Sometimes he'd run them super fast or backwards.  It was hilarious to see Grandma Barbie slide backwards up snowbanks or see us all tearing around, dancing or picking tiger lilies at top speed!

I also loved the times when Grandma Barbie would sit at her piano and we'd all gather around and sing together.  I sit here and think of that and remember the faces and the way we looked then and in hindsight I think we even sounded pretty good!

It was a wonderful time for family to gather and still is. Pieces of my heart remain in all of those places.  I still remember Rugby as it was in my mind's eye.  My loved ones still smiling and giving hugs instead of passed.

My heart is still in MN with my kids and my family there.  In my mind's eye, I know what they'll be doing today.  I know the smiles and the hugs and the happy people who will be feasting at my sister's later today!  Lacey said they will face time me later so I'll get to see all those faces for a bit today too!

I'm looking forward to enjoying this day with Ken and his kids.  There will be feasting, smiling, laughing and games.

I've been blessed to have wonderful people that I love with me during the holidays.  I wish the same blessing for all of you!

May your memories be warm and make you smile!  May today be another memory to add to the long list of good things you'll remember in the years to come!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

"You are soooo talking to the wrong person about this today!"

Ken just told me about this great idea of his that we should do some day.  He's telling me about the Gambler 500 up in Oregon.

"It's a 500-mile, mostly off-road race through Oregon where everyone is driving either 1) $500-or-less beater cars, or 2) comedically awesome vehicles like fire trucks and ambulances. You stop at the 250-mile mark at a campsite, have a huge rager, then wake up the next day and crush through the other 250 miles -- first one to the finish line gets a ginormous trophy with a toy car on top of it."
http://fridayatfive.com/2016/07/lets-talk-about-the-gambler-500.html

I'm like, no.  He's like "all we'd have to do is get to the party!"  I'm like, with our luck we'd be the ones who never made it to the party.  You are sooooo talking to the wrong person about this today!

Sigh.

Here's how my day went.  This morning I got an email from a potential employer saying thank you but no, we don't want to talk to you.  Bummer but I shake it off because, after all, job hunting is like dating only without the dick pics and bad behavior.

I get a call that the new tires I ordered are in!  I'm like HUZZAH!!! And off I go to get my new tires!

The guy at the shop takes a look at my current tires and guess what?  The tread on my current tires is still pretty good.  I thought they were going bald because of "cupping" on the outer edges.  The tread is alright in the middle.  But the edges, he says that's why I'm hearing that noise when I drive.

I get all excited because FINALLY that noise is going to go away!  I wait for the next hour dreaming of driving my stealthy, quiet truck here and there and admiring scenery and well, so very many possibilities of happiness with me and my truck!  Think unicorns and butterflies and rainbows.  Yeah, like that.

I get my truck.  The tires are beautiful!  I drive it and my heart sinks because guess what?  That sound is still there.

This means there is a deeper issue with the truck that has to do with the suspension. This means that I'm looking at some potentially expensive repairs.  See, during my hour long wait I did some research into why my tires may be cupping so I knew that I'd be dealing with something sooner or later.  I guess I just had my heart set on the "later" idea instead of RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Took a little bit but decided to pass on crying about it and resigned myself to spending the money I had other plans for on the truck.  Plans like supporting my ass while I job hunt.  That kind of plans. Plans like furniture for when I get a job and we move.  Plans like down payment money for a new house to live in.  That kind of plans.  But no.  I get to put more money into my shit vehicle.  Hey, I'm bitter.  Ken reminded me that it isn't a shit truck (that's what I called it in my text to him about this).  He's right.  It's a good truck and worth the investment.  We want to keep the thing for a long time to come.  But since it's going to cost me a bundle (the damn tires weren't cheap either!) I get to call it a shit truck as much as I want to.  So there!

Thing is, I'd prefer that my vehicle didn't go to shit when I'm job hunting.  That DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY.

Ok, so I don't look especially mad but it has a sort of "don't fuck with me" vibe to it (and I look kinda good and I need that right now)

Now I'm sitting here thinking of the bright side of things.  Here's a bright side:  I have money to fix it.  That's a bright side.  Oh, and I'm grateful that we have car insurance rental riders on our policies since the Altima is also in the shop being repaired after being t-boned a couple weeks ago.  Luckily the truck can be allowed to sit for the most part, until it get fixed and we've been driving the rental all over the place while it sits in the driveway looking red.  Another bright side.  (My truck is really red.  Super red.)

Why aren't I feeling like a ray of sunshine yet?

Ken just asked me what I'm doing.  I told him I'm blogging.  He knows what that means so asks if DQ would help?  (Normally DQ would ALWAYS help - he knows me so well!)  But this time I said no because we'd have to DRIVE the truck there (Luke has the rental) and I won't drive the truck.  He's trying!  I'm not easy to deal with when I'm pissy and chances are good I'll be somewhat pissy until my truck isn't shit again.

Let's see...other good things...

think
think
think

lean back and cross arms

edit

think some more

make faces a little bit

cross arms again

fart a little bit

more faces

Maybe I quit trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and have a mint creamy.  Ken was sweet and brought me one.  He's a good boyfriend!

I'm out of my rut...

One week ago today I arrived in UT to start something new.  Wow.

I wanted out of my rut and guess what?  I am.  Seriously.

It has been an emotional week.  An emotional few weeks leading up to this actually.  I still feel like a visitor here.  Maybe it's a coping mechanism to get yourself thru taking care of business?  I'm really working to keep pushing forward and building this new life for myself.

In some ways I feel like an actor/observer of someone else's life.  Except when it hurts and there have been moments where it hurt so bad that I had to remind myself to breathe.  It has been really hard to leave my kids and grandkids to do this.  I expected it but it doesn't make it easier to go thru.

At the same time, while there have been some hard, painful moments, there are also plenty of really great ones happening.  I've gotten settled into my new digs and I like looking around and seeing my things here.  Most of it is still in storage but there are a few pictures, some of my furniture, my shoes!

I look at how green the mountains are and I smile.  I smile simply because there are mountains to look at!  I get lost and I smile.  It's been a long time since I got lost because a place is so new!

I'm getting to know Luke a bit.  He's a good boy and reminds me of my Ben in some ways.  He's good-natured and ready to help.  

There are simple pleasures in the day.  Watching the cat find new places to snuggle in and nap.  Sitting across the table from Ken at supper and chatting.  Hugs and going to the zoo with Islie.  It helps to have little ones around.  They don't replace the ones left behind but they can be a balm to a sore heart sometimes with their innocent affection.

It's nice to go get a shake at Sonic because they have a deal going on and then drive around to look at the sunset together.

I'm not alone so much anymore.  I was tired of coming home to an empty house all the time.  That was the main point of all this.  I wanted someone for me.  Someone to share my adventures with even if they only involve sitting on the couch watching House Hunters Int'l and eating bananas and ice cream with salted caramel sauce.

I like the fact that my future is so unwritten right now.  It's stressful and yet, it feels like anything is possible.  I don't know where I'll end up working.  I don't know how many interviews I'll go on before I go back to work.  I don't know where we'll end up living by the end of this summer.  I don't know what new couch and/or recliner we'll end up buying.  I don't know what my life will be like a week from now.  Or even tomorrow.

I'm out of my rut.  I'm not comfortable.  This is a good thing.  Been waiting a long time to get here.  Hello UT.  Let's see where this goes...

Restless...

I've apparently been keeping my own counsel too much lately.  I could correct the problem but don't want to talk to anyone.  Not really.  I don't really like to call people on the phone.  I have a weird phobia about that.

Sometimes I get like this.

Being alone so much is soothing to me and yet it can lead to nights like tonight.  I feel edgy.  I feel like the beast inside me is pacing.  Waiting.  It's not a violent beastie at least.  Not this time.  It's just restless.

I try to read but can't focus.  Same with TV shows.  I've debated playing World of Warcraft but I figure I won't stick to that more than 15 minutes either.

I got a call today from one of my realtors and found out there is a buyer on the line and a contingency buyer has just been added to the lineup.  Maybe one of these will be the one?  I hope so!  Maybe buyer #4 or #5 will be the charm?  (#3 wanted to move 7 people in here.  The park said NO.)

This restless feeling comes mostly from the house.  If I do get the call soon, then my life will kick into high gear getting things packed up and into storage while working a full time job.  I have stress either way.  The longer I stay here, the longer I have to support the house.  Once it's sold I have to pack up and get out and live here and there until it's time to go south.  At least I have cash flow again.  Paying the bills wasn't fun today.  I'm comforted knowing more will be coming in soon.  It's good to be back to work!

I'm in limbo now.  I've been in limbo for a while now.  Before the lay off even.  I've spent years working towards this next step in my life.  It's so close now I can almost reach out and touch it.  At the same time I grieve at its approach.  Things never stay the same.  Sometimes moving on hurts.

Everything is simultaneously win-win and lose-lose for me right now.  The future is unwritten.  But it is planned.  As much as it can be planned anyway.

Patience is my middle name though that beastie in me sometimes chomps to be loose!  I'm holding back.  Always holding back.  Sometimes I can feel how hard I'm holding.  Like tonight.

When I was a girl I used to imagine that my bones and muscles were configured differently than they are.  That I had fur.  That my canines were long and sharp.  The animal I identified with was a cougar.  It's quiet and soft.  It's natural.  It sometimes screams and slashes.  It hides.  It watches.  It pays attention even if others don't notice it's there.

Even at this stage of life I still find that creature lurks inside my mind.  When I'm enraged, I feel like that big cat slashing out and baring teeth and ready to attack.  I want to bite and destroy!  I feel like that cat pacing inside her cage at the zoo right now.  It's funny how some things stick with you.

Does anyone else have, let's call it a spirit animal, living in their skins or am I the only weird one?  I figure I'm not alone.  I may be the only 52 year old grandma to admit it though.  <I'm smiling>

I've often said I'd like to be reincarnated as a grizzly bear because I could sleep all winter, eat salmon, scratch my ass on logs with impunity and no one with half a brain would fuck with me.  But inside that cougar has always been there.  It's me.  My id.  "the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends"  That's for those who haven't studied Freud.  There is also the ego and super ego.  Those control me 98% of the time but that cat is always there.

Now you know.  When I refer to my beastie, it's my id.  And it's feeling less restless now.  Writing helps.  Maybe I'm boring it?  Possible.

Migraines

Had another migraine yesterday.  Luckily Excedrin Migraine took away the worst of the pain but still spent most of the day with a solid headache, feeling woozy and slightly nauseated.  Most people would never know I had a migraine unless I told them.  I might look tired when going thru it but I don't think it's obvious.

I remember years ago when a friend of mine told me how she had had such a bad migraine that she screamed thru it.  I remember thinking screaming would make it worse.  I questioned if it actually was a migraine?

When I first started having migraines, I didn't have Excedrin Migraine to fight them off for me.  Here's how it went for me:

1) I start noticing that it's hard to see.  I'm blinking and struggling to make things out.  After a bit I notice an arc of sparkling shards of rainbow lights slowly widening across my field of vision.  I see it when I shut my eyes also.  I now know that it's called an aura.  It's my warning system.  Not everyone is lucky enough to get a warning.  I do.  But the semi-blindness I get isn't fun to deal with.  I was dealing with that yesterday.  I have woken up with a migraine.  That's the worst because you slept thru the warning.  There is no rhyme or reason to them...they just happen.

 Back in the day, when this warning hit, I knew it was time to go home IMMEDIATELY.  I was suddenly in a race against time because when the aura went away, the migraine would begin.  Migraines don't care what you're in the middle of, or who is depending on you.  Back in the day, when they hit, my life had to stop.  Honestly it was pretty awful.  There are few things in life that I don't struggle thru but migraines were one of them.

2) The migraine hits.  I become light sensitive and need to be in the dark.  Light hurts.

I become sound sensitive and need to be in a quiet place.  Noise hurts.

There was often vomiting.  It hurts so bad it makes you vomit, which is the last thing you want to be doing when you're hurting that bad!

And the pain?  It felt like someone was inside my head pounding with a hammer.  There was no relief and no escape unless I was lucky enough to fall asleep.  I used to have Tylenol with codeine in it that I'd take to try to knock myself out during those sessions.  Sometimes it worked.

Oh, and you don't want to move.  Moving hurts.  I really hated when I'd have to vomit.  Felt like my head would explode.  This phase could go on for hours.

3)  The migraine passes.  You feel like you've been sick.  You're woozy and out of it.  There is sometimes a residual headache that can last up to 2 days afterwards.  I tend to feel fuzzy-muddled.  Like I'm muffled and somehow subdued.  I get this reaction despite taking meds.  Today I feel "off" but functional.  Not 100% but good enough.

Sometimes you get another one within a few days.  That used to happen to me a lot.  Now it doesn't.  Maybe it's because of my meds?  No idea but I'm glad I don't get a series of them so much anymore!

I've recently started experiencing aphasia.  When it first happened I was joking that I must have had a stroke because I couldn't find the words.  Honestly I was a little worried until I investigated further and found out it can happen after a migraine.  That made sense based on the timing.  I'd seen my Dad experience aphasia after his strokes.  You know what you want to say but you can't find the words in your brain.  You can suggest other things sort of like it to try to describe what you want to say.  My Dad would call a winter coat a warm.  He had the problem much worse that I ever did but his experience helped me recognize what was happening to me enough to be concerned.  Despite having headed off the worst of it with Excedrin I still suffered the aphasia.  Luckily it's temporary after migraines.  I just have to be patient.

I'm lucky and have found a medicine that helps!  When the aura hits, I take Excedrin Migraine and wait.  Yesterday the headache was pretty bad but I was still functional.  I no longer have to race home for a dark, silent room to suffer it out.  Now my life can continue.

Sadly I know my medicine does not always work for others.  Some folks really struggle to find any relief.

I wanted to write this to maybe help people understand that a migraine is not just a really bad headache.  It can be debilitating and actually force someone to stop in their tracks and just ride it out. It can literally pull them away from their life and they have no say in it.  They aren't being babies.  It's BAD.

I'm one of the lucky ones who has found treatment.  Others have not and need support and understanding.  I'm hoping this might help with some understanding of the experience if you aren't one who's ever had a migraine.

my friday morning political rant

I think the U.S. is going to get the president it deserves. If people want to keep deluding themselves about these people the parties are pushing at us as the only presidential options. They are pitiful...we can't find anyone better in this entire country than these people??? I mean our main GOP contender is a bigoted, egomaniac with the self control and tact of a 3 yr old. The other options are not great improvements either in my opinion but at least wouldn't be quite as damaging to the country as the current front runner. I've learned I'm too conservative but not religious enough for the GOP. I don't feel that any of the options truly represent me. Not one of them. I am for equal rights for gays. If the idiots want to get married, let them. If they want their pain in the ass "when are you getting married" pestering card taken away, that's their choice. They get to be pestered like all the rest of us now. Equality. Fun times. I want borders tightened because we should be able to control who comes in (we don't want criminals and drug dealers using our gimpy borders to pursue their bad ends. I also want them tightened because the border states are struggling to keep up with their infrastructures. It's creating a financial hardship for those states that needs to be dealt with. We need to control our borders for many reasons.   At the same time I'm against massive deportations. I think that's a stupid idea. This country was built on immigration. While they may "take jobs" they also create them because there needs to be infrastructure to take care of an increasing population and they cause an increase in demand for housing, clothing, food, etc. That creates opportunities for businesses to grow. In essence, I want borders controlled and legal immigration but there should be a pathway to citizenship for illegals who are already in this country, working hard alongside us. I personally would like it if there was no abortion BUT my skin literally crawls over the idea that the government gets to dictate what a woman does with her body. A woman should not be forced to carry a pregnancy to term. I wish they all would but I don't think they should be forced to. This is a tricky one but I consider myself pro-abortion on principle. I'm not liberal enough for the Dems. I am for equal rights for gays. If the idiots want to get married, let them. If they want their pain in the ass "when are you getting married" pestering card taken away, that's their choice. They get to be pestered like all the rest of us now. Equality. Fun times. As for guns? I don't own one. Never felt the need. At the same time I think it's foolish to think that making gun laws tougher is going to stop these terrible crimes from happening. I think that is equivalent to being an ostrich and sticking your head in the sand. Law abiding citizens are not doing these crimes. I think that taking money from the rich to give to the poor sounds like a good idea but it's misguided. All this rich hating fascinates me since the political leaders who are perpetuating it tend to be wealthy and I don't hear that they are offering their extra cash to the needy. And don't we all wish we were rich? If I was rich I wouldn't think anyone else had a right to my money. They don't. This is a nation of opportunity, not a guarantee of a life of comfort. We do need to care for truly needy...the infirm, the elderly, special needs, etc but not able bodied, minded folks. Not people who are sitting around with their hands out saying "gimme". I did a few years on welfare back in the day. There is a generational thing going on (or there used to be) and I witnessed it. No reason for it but it exists. I'm not getting into welfare any more than this except to say that reform is needed to weed out abusers and to support people when they try to take care of themselves instead of penalizing them, hence keeping them locked in the system. It isn't easy to get off of. I speak from personal experience. Here's my thoughts on the other side... Our main Dem contender should be in jail but is untouchable because she has some very powerful supporters who want her to be president. She has acted like she's above the law for a long time and that's because she really is! Pays to have friends in high places. But it makes on more inclined to do whatever the hell she wants and know she can get away with it. Her smug attitude is valid. She KNOWS she's untouchable.  She can blow us all off until the end of time if she wants to. She is above the law. If anyone else in her position had done what she's done, they'd be in prison right now. The one who is giving her sweats is a well intentioned but mislead communist. Communism doesn't work. It's proven. That's my opinion for those of you who want to pipe up and say "I like so & so". It's a thing. If we keep voting like our government is a reality show being put on for our entertainment, then we get what we deserve. I also think that at this point in time, our politicians are a bigger threat to the well being of this country than ISIS or the Taliban. ISIS and the Taliban may kill people but our politicians are dividing this country and destroying our economy with their bad decisions, posturing, their lip service to achieve their own selfish ends, no matter the cost to this nation and with the constant partisan in-fighting.

A big THANK YOU!!

I saw an article about a father who was walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding, who stopped and grabbed her step-father from the side and had them both walk her down the aisle together since he felt that she was “their” daughter.  He saw the value of the step parent in her life and made a beautiful acknowledgement of his feelings about it.   It’s a touching story. 

I am a single parent myself.  I raised 3 children mostly on my own.  There were some step parents and significant others involved also. 

There were some key ideals that developed for me as I grew into the role of a mother.  One of the first was that I was still me.  I was a mom but I was still just me.  I would fill many roles in life but at the core, I’m me.

When you have a baby, you fall in love in a BIG way that you never expected.  Until you experience it yourself you can’t really understand what I’m talking about. 

Loving someone that much can take you over.  You can totally forget to take care of yourself and your own needs for the sake of that child.  It can become such a habit that you can forget who you are.  You can have that moment, where you sit back and wonder what became of that person you were?  Who am I?  I had that.  I learned that I had to be myself too, no matter how much I loved my child.  That I had to separate to some extent.  That I had to be selfish to some extent to preserve myself.  That I only have one life to live and I had to live it for me. 

That didn’t mean not considering others because if you want a fulfilled life you have to consider the needs of those you love but at the same time you have to always remember that YOU have to live in your skin and no one else does and act accordingly.  Never settle for a mediocre life because the world decrees it be so.  Always question why and determine your own path.  At least that’s my opinion on it and that’s how I live my life.  Outside approval is not required.  Nice but not necessary.

That being said, I became very aware that my children were also individuals of the same caliber as me.  You can’t become aware of yourself as an individual without acknowledging that your children are also fully individual and autonomous.  They will live a life that I can share parts of but in the end it is their life to live, not mine.  I cannot know how their life looks to them or how it feels unless they choose to share that information.  I’ll never truly know them any more than they will truly know me.  I had responsibilities as their parent and one of the key responsibilities was to raise them to go out into the world without me and live their lives as they see fit, with or without my approval. 

That’s a hard lesson!  We often want our kids to be like a second chance to do the things we wish we could have done.  Thing is, our kids might not be interested. 

I named my oldest with the name I did because I thought it might trick people into thinking she could be male on a job resume and it might help her get her foot in the door at a business in the future.  Think I was projecting a wee bit about what I wanted onto this little infant girl?  Oh hell yes I was!  I still like the name but that just shows how aware I am of how we sort of try to live thru our children.  I was using her to right a wrong I felt had been done to me at the time with a name.  I felt doors would be shut to me because I was female and I projected that onto her.  I had a plan for her.  I got educated.  She taught me quickly that she was herself, not a mini-me.    

In my opinion, one of the main things about being a parent is learning to let go.  There is lots of letting go involved in the job.

I never felt like my kids were truly "mine".  I suppose that doesn’t make sense.  Let me try to explain it a bit better.  I felt like they were entrusted to me by fate (and genetics and my fooling around), my responsibility to care for, until they were ready to go out on their own.  They belonged to themselves.  I had no ownership.  I was “gifted” with the opportunity to be the one to help them grow up.  My primary job as their mother was to teach them what they needed to know so that they could go forward in life without me. 

The main difference about loving a child versus loving a partner is that when you love a partner you tend to want to stay with them forever.  When you love a child you want them to grow and go out into the world and make their own lives.  One is about joining and the other is about love leading to separation.  Love has different rules for different relationships.  In the parenting role, love is about letting go. 

Another key part to letting go is learning to trust that others can also love and care for your child.  You are not the end all and only one who can love your kids more than anyone else can. 

Understanding that other people bring knowledge and abilities and experiences to your children that you cannot.  Understanding that others providing things to your child that you cannot, isn’t a failure on your part.  It’s a wonderful thing!  You can never have too many people who love your children in your life! 

Character does not just happen.  It’s earned through experience.  It grows from exposure to life and the people in it.  It comes from modeling behavior.  A kid being with a person they admire and modeling the traits they most admire about that person. 

I am eternally grateful to all the people who helped me raise my kids!  I did not do it alone.  There were their fathers, their grandparents, family members and friends.  There were step parents and significant others involved.  There were babysitters and teachers and coaches.  There were neighbors and youth directors…I could go on.  Many, many people loved my kids, took care of them, taught them and helped them become the people they are today. 

That story I mentioned at the beginning of this post reminded me that I really am grateful to the many people who have loved my kids and helped me raise them.  They are all grown up and I’m happy to say it worked out pretty damned well!  We done good J

I’m also grateful for the many people who love my grandchildren and are helping to raise them!  You are much appreciated!

Since I can’t grab you all and have you walk down aisles with me at weddings I’ll just have to say thank you.  It’s inadequate to express how I truly feel but thank you so very much!

Thoughts on being a Mom

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms out there!

Motherhood has been a strange and wonderful journey for me.  I'm what you could call a fly by night type of Mom.  I started into the Mom zone by accident shortly after graduating high school.

I got pregnant with my second during my disastrous and short first marriage.  (I lived with the guy for 3 months and then spent a year fighting for a divorce.)

I got pregnant with number 3 because of failed birth control.  I was the crabbiest about that one.  I had intended to have one more but just not right then!  I was crabby because I was still too tired from the other two to contemplate being that horrifically out numbered.

But despite being something of a train wreck with my family planning my kids have been the brightest spots in my life!  (Except when they're exasperating me, which is more often than I like, and continues to this very day tho they are grown, out on their own and 2/3's have kids of their own!)

My kids are my legacy.  They are what I will leave behind in the world.  When I'm dead, THEY will remember me and they will carry on who I was for as many generations as will remember me.  I know it all fades some day.  I don't know much about my ancestors...what did they think about the world and what made them happy or sad.  But for a while, my kids make me immortal.

Having kids educates you about what love means.  From the beginning, before they were born and especially after, I loved them more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being.  You won't understand until you have a child yourself.  It takes you completely by surprise, that first incredible feeling of love when you lay eyes on that little mess you just pushed out of yourself.  There are no words to express it but all moms know exactly what I'm talking about.

After a while, when you have enough sleepless nights and you miss having your body all to yourself, the shine wears off a bit but you still push on because you just love them so freaking much you have to.

One of my great memories is of my sister calling me in tears not so long after my nephew was born.  She was exhausted from being up most of every day and night with her fussy infant son and was distraught because she felt like she hated her child and something must be wrong with her.  I told her "welcome to motherhood!"  I reassured her that this is normal.

That's how it is.  Your kids can suck the life right out of you.  You'll stop sleeping.  Your sex life will slow to a dribble because you need those brief periods of peace where your body belongs to only you and it's just too much to ask to share it with your partner no matter how good that might feel.

You'll buy practical cars.  You'll stay home at night.  You'll work and work, day and night, to keep things like you want them for your kid.

You'll live in a house full of toys and there will be crap thrown everywhere.  You'll pick up constantly (and futilely) or give in and live in a sty and hope no one drops by for a visit without 48 hours notice.

You'll cook regular meals and try to be healthy.  Your kids won't want to eat it.  They'll want mac N cheese or PB&J sandwiches.

Your  life will revolve around caring for these little people.  You aren't supposed to have temper tantrums anymore.  You're the adult here!  Some days you'll wish someone else was around to do the adulting.  I wanted my mom to come adult for me sometimes!  At least I could call her and she'd make me laugh about it later.

You'll get to work and realize the baby spit up on your shoulder before you left and you didn't notice. Or that there's food on your shirt that you didn't notice.  Or that you missed putting mascara on one eye because the kids distracted you.

If you're breastfeeding and ride a motorcycle, your shirt will be soaked with breast milk very quickly. Vibrations will do that to you.  I learned that from experience.

You'll put in years of cleaning up vile bodily fluids and not get paid for it.  I never could tolerate vomit - I'd wrap a dish towel around my face and wear rubber gloves and try not to look at it to avoid adding to it - but I did it!  Also, avoid bargain diapers.  I got some discount diapers and ended up with poop all over my t-shirt, that I then had to take it off over my head.  Oh, and NEVER, NEVER lay back and toss a baby in the air after you've fed them unless you love getting a face full of spit up.  One of mine had projectile vomiting down to a science.  I'd come home after work and pick her up and whoosh!  There was her entire bottle!  You had to burp her every 15 seconds or you'd get hosed by that one.

Being a Mom is not for the faint-hearted.  It's not a saintly job either.  There was a lot of cursing going on when I did it.  Maybe not all out loud, but in my head.  My Mom was the same.  I remember her saying "chit" a lot.  She invented words that were close to swear words but not quite.  I found that amusing but I did it differently.  But not better.

I remember her being completely appalled when my 3 yr old daughter once raged at someone, calling them a dildo, in front of her.  I thought it was better to curse people by calling them dildos rather than fuckers but the look on my mother's face told me different.  Instead I taught my kids not to swear in front of Granny.

I realized that loving your kids is the opposite of loving a mate.  When you love your kids, your job is to grow them up and send them away from you to live their own lives.  You'll get to linger on the edges but their lives will switch priorities to their own core families and they will end up doing the same for their children.  That is as it should be.

Moral of the story?  Being a Mom is the thing I'm most proud of in my life.  I've been far from perfect but my kids survived and they know I love them.  They know I always will.

And there are always counselors to help them recover from my less than perfect parenting, as needed.