Facebook, the Serenity Prayer and a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

It's very weird that I lead with this since I'm agnostic but frankly, it's just a fantastic way to think about the world that it has affected my life profoundly over the years!  I usually leave the "God" part out since it works that way also but this is it's original form and the way I was introduced to it all those years ago.

The first part about accepting the things I cannot change has been very helpful.  It has helped me to stop and think about various situations I've been in and look at the parts I have power over and the parts that are out of my hands.  It can be an enlightening process!

Facebook has been a place I've had to put this into use many a time.  Facebook reminds me why I preferred the company of dogs to people when I was a kid.  People are a HUGE pain in the ass!!!  (Myself included)  HUGE!!!  Did I say HUGE???  Oh yeah, I did.

When I first started FB I was so excited to reconnect with friends and family I hadn't heard from in years!  All of a sudden I had regular contact with these people and it was wonderful!  And then it started getting annoying.  The endless misspellings, the religious and political comments, the stupid comments, food pictures and running minute by minute updates of some people's days and the many, many TMI moments, OMG!!!  As a whole, people are emotionally exhausting and all I was doing is sitting there reading comments!  

And then the dreaded thing happened...someone kicked me from their friends list.  OUCH!!!  I felt so hurt!  I wondered what I had done to offend them? What was it about me that was so off putting that they felt the need to delete me as a friend??? It felt like back in grade school when I'd be the only one in class who didn't get invited to the birthday party of the girl across the street and then when I got invited later only to find out it was because my Mom shamed her Mom into inviting me.  (Really happened - let's just say it wasn't the funnest b-day party I ever went to!)  I started wondering if I really wanted to bother with this FB thing!

So I pondered and here's what I came up with.  #1 main reason I'm on FB is to connect with my family and close friends.  For that reason I will stay on FB until something better comes along.  #2 it's MY FB and I will post what I want, when I want and will be willing to live with the consequences for doing so aka losing friends.  #3 if anyone who doesn't know me well wants to be friends, great!  That's gravy!  Bonus!  I like it!  If they don't like my humor, commentary, etc and decide to unfriend me, great, because clearly we weren't going to be good friends anyway if they couldn't handle me on FB.  

Here's the thing.  I cannot please everyone.  I'm not even vaguely interested in trying.  So this is where we get back to the serenity prayer thingy...pleasing everyone, especially those who barely know me, is not possible.  It is something I need to let go of.  

And here's the next thing...courage to change the things I can.  I'm going amend that slightly...if I choose to.  Recently I had what I thought was a joking discussion with a classmate.  The next morning I discovered I'd been unfriended by said classmate.  I reread the discussion and thought he was being rather sensitive, but debated making an apology.  I didn't intend to hurt his feelings after all but holy crap I just didn't think anything all that bad was said!  Still don't.  So I pondered.  I thought what if I do message him and apologize for hurting his feelings, then what?  I risk him wanting to be friends again?  On the one hand I'd like to leave it on a positive note because he seems like a good guy.  On the other hand, do I really want to potentially invite him in again when we couldn't even joke around on that fairly lightweight level?  I decided to let his decision stand and not say anything.  He is a sensitive person.  Obviously not thick skinned enough to spar with me tho he seemed determined to do so.  I chose not to change this ending.  He can call this one.  I'll abide by it.   I wish him well but we obviously aren't going to be besties so it's ok to let that go.  

That probably wasn't the best example since I decided NOT to change something I could have.  In each situation there are bits that you can change if you choose to do so.  This brings up another one of my little mottos that I live by "just because you can, doesn't mean you should".  It's good to think things through, think about potential results and what your goals are.  

Because of this serenity prayer I've learned the value of defining what I have power over and what I don't and acting or not acting accordingly.  The core thing I've learned from that process is that the only person you truly have control over (sort of) is yourself.  I say sort of because even your body can betray you sometimes.  Little things called cancer, heart disease, Parkinsons and stuff like that come to mind.  But really you only have control over yourself.  

This leads to the ability to change others tho how they'll change will once again be out of your control.  When you change your behavior they tend to be forced to change theirs.  For example, say you are in an abusive relationship.  Your partner is very controlling.  You don't like it so you begin to take steps by refusing to cooperate with his controlling ways.  In this situation the decision to change yourself is far from without risk!  Odds are good your partner will be willing to go to extreme measures to regain control and his sense of security.  So by changing yourself and your behavior, you have now caused a chain reaction that can go badly or better.  That was an extreme example but having gone thru it myself I'm familiar with the potential fallout from deciding to change even yourself.  There is a price to be paid for everything.  Small or large decisions.  I ended up divorced but better.  I think he is better now too.  It wasn't fun but in the end it worked out for my situation.  

I try not to enter into relationships with the thought of changing anyone anymore.  Even on FB.  I think people have the right to be accepted for who they are, just as they are.  If I can't accept them then we can't be friends.  If they can't accept me, same.  We shouldn't have to BE anything other than what we are, no matter how annoying we are.  That said, if you're really annoying you'd best be willing to pay the price for it aka loneliness.  If you're OK with that then it's all good!  Because you are exactly who you are, you should be aware that not everyone will embrace that.  I've personally felt the sting of rejection many, many times...many.  Many.  (tiny violin playing here)  People don't have to like you and you can't make them like you unless you lie your ass off about who you are and eventually they WILL figure out that you're a fraud.  (out of your hands - re-read prayer above).  It is a dance and only you can decide your dance moves.  The true gains and losses are out of your hands.  

I hope I'm making sense.  This has been formulating in my head for a bit so I figured it was time to jot it down.  

And here is a picture of Bill Murray!

Gratuitous Bill Murray shot!

I jogged! First time in many years...

I'm slamming my 2nd Diet Mountain Dew of the morning, cause I'm healthy like that!  I just got back from a morning jog.  I wanted to write about it quickly while it is still all fresh in my mind.  I did some jogging years ago and stopped because I have shitty knees and after a while I was limping everywhere and feeling like my thigh bones was going to slip off and slide down to into my shins.  Why am I trying this again?  I'm a glutton for punishment is all I can come up with!

It was raining this AM when I woke up so I pretty much talked myself out of jogging.  I did my puzzles, I caught up on my You Tube subscriptions, I checked twitter and had a heart palpitation for a second because Tom Barnard of the KQRS show has begun following me and I suddenly felt like I should tweet something!  Then I got over it because he probably follows tons of people and wouldn't notice if I never tweeted anything.  Pressure came back off.

I realized I didn't hear the pitter pat of rain on the roof anymore so decided I would do my jog.  I do have some reasons for trying jogging.  #1 I'm fat and want to get in better shape.  #2 I want to find better ways to deal with the stresses in my life than eating them, which is what I've been doing.  #3 I figured it'd give me some blogging material.

I put on some sweats that I figured wouldn't fall down as I ran, layered up, slapped on a baseball cap and drove off to Loch Ness Park in hopes that no one would be there so I could do this thing without an audience.  It's one thing to tell you all about it but another thing to have people thinking I'm on the verge of a stroke as I "jog" by because I'm wheezing and panting so hard!

I got out and it was still spitting rain.  I have been out in worse so pfft, here I go!

see?  spit!

Got there and was REALLY disappointed to see other cars!  DAMMIT!!  SHIT!  I had my excuse to turn around and go home but decided to stop being a pussy and do this thing!  So I started jogging.  I did a shuffle kind of jog because I recently saw a Nike commercial with a fat kid jogging like that and he'd lost a bunch of weight.  Like 30 some pounds!  I admired him and it also looked like something I could tolerate longer than a full out run.  At first it seemed to be going pretty well but it didn't take long before I was taking some ridiculously big breaths!  That's what I get for nurturing my marshmallow lifestyle so long!

My jiggly bits didn't bounce as badly as I'd thought they would, which was gratifying.  I kind of thought "things" might throw me off balance with the love handles bouncing one way and the boobs bouncing another and the thighs doing their own things!  Then I hit my first water barrier.  This is the crap that happens when you jog during a spring melt after a thunderstorm.

I developed a plan where I'd jog until I hit these water barriers and then take a breathing break while I walked around them.  I also admired some pretty red branches...

So I got back to jogging...which in reality is a fast shuffle with arms held up to look like a jog.  I only passed one guy and his dog on my jog and said "morning" and went on my way...he didn't ask if I was dying.  Whew!

So I jogged and jogged.  (Actually, this path is maybe a mile but for a marshmallow like me it seemed pretty endless)  I was starting to really look forward to those water barriers!  About 2/3rds of the way around the lake I started feeling like throwing up.  I also saw my first 2 robins, but scared them so didn't get a picture.  Robins, YAY!  So I waited a bit and got my urge to barf under control.  Then on I went.  At this point I was starting to feel stubborn with myself.  I wanted to walk but kept telling myself how I came here to JOG not go for a walk so fucking JOG already!!  So I jogged.

My jogging style was devolving.  I went past an office building and if anyone had looked out they might have thought a zombie was trying to jog because things were getting a little disjointed and it was getting to be more of a staggering shuffle than a jog.

I could see my car in the distance so decided to push myself to actually lift my feet and do this!  Jog, Jog I told myself!  Jog to the car!  Lift those feet up!  PUSH PUSH!!  And then I saw the dog guy coming around and knew I had to get to my car before he intercepted me and saw my beet red face and heard my wheezing and gasping!  The zombie jog was on full force at that point...made it!

I jumped into my car as fast as I could...didn't bother to take my purse out of my trunk...I just wanted to get out of there.  And then the stench hit me.  I had sweated!  GROSS!  This is part of the reason I'm not a fan of the gym because I hate being sweaty unless it's for some good sex.  And good sex sweat seems to smell good to me whereas exercise sweat, not so much!

I did it!  I jogged!  Not well, not fast, not far but I freaking jogged for about a mile!!!  And now I get to shower this icky sweat off!!  I might even jog again...this didn't go as badly as I thought it would.

Me, post jog, unwashed, sweaty, no make-up, beet red face and feeling all proud of myself!

On the drive home my calves started twitching, my ears were aching from the cold, my lungs feel like they worked.  Walking up the stairs to my house I started wondering if I was in for a cramp fest?  But everything has settled down while I wrote this entry.  It's all good!  I survived!  

It's been a bitch of a day today

Today has been a bitch.  

Let me recap this past year quickly that leads up to this culmination.  Last April my company fired my boss.  I liked working for Charles.  He valued my experience and wanted me to participate in decision making.  He ran afoul of the powers that be tho and they cut him loose.  I may have blogged about this at the time but it was painful for me.  I was pretty hurt by a number of things that happened at that time.  I don't want to rehash that.  

Well I was told that a replacement was coming in to be my new boss.  She was an expert in our accounting software, unlike Charles.  I was excited to learn from her tho I also felt I'd suddenly become obsolete, since I was the go-to person up until that point, if you needed help with the software.  So while I was sad about Charles I was excited about this new person coming on to show us a new way.

It didn't pan out like I'd hoped.  Toni (new boss) did not care for me.  I must admit the feeling was mutual.  She and I would NEVER be friends in the "real" world.  That aside, I tried to be professional about it.  She felt she needed to stomp on my neck to remind me who was boss.  I knew who was boss but apparently she didn't think I knew it well enough.  

I've spent the past year with a churning stomach, forcing myself to go to work each day because I need the paycheck and I do like my other co-workers.  As her abuse went on, I withdrew.  I wondered what I had done?  I thought I had done a great job for the company but this?  Maybe this was their way of pushing me out the door?  I felt the axe hovering.  My stomach churned, my hands shook when I was responding to her all caps emails that implied she thought I was stupid.  Over and over again.  I hoped I could keep my job long enough!

I figured everyone else must love Toni and it was just me so for a long time I suffered in silence.  I would try to be upbeat and positive dealing with her, knowing that I can't change others but I can change myself.  I tried!  She seemed to take my attempts to be friendly or human as invites to attack.  I found that I didn't communicate with her any longer unless she initiated it because I couldn't bring myself to invite abuse.  My hands would literally shake when I had to deal with her because I couldn't seem to manage my fight or flight response anymore.  I began to worry if the stress level was going to have a negative impact on my health.

One day, after a particularly miserable week, I emailed my co-worker and dared to say I wished she was my boss instead of Toni.  She used to be on a par with me when Charles was around but was promoted upon his exit.  I missed her!  She was busy with her new role and we hadn't spoken much since the changes came into play.  I felt very isolated.  

I discovered, once we started talking, that Toni was NOT loved amongst our co-workers.  In a way it helped.  She was hateful and bullied most anyone.  It wasn't just me!  It still sucked tho.

Then she fired my idiot compatriot in TX.  I mean, she was a nice woman but not the brightest bulb and I'd found her to be inept for years but Charles had been protecting her.  Toni didn't.  Toni took care of business.  And Toni hired a friend of hers to replace this woman.  yay.  Now I'd slipped a bit further down the totem pole.  I knew I was at the bottom of the pile in this pecking order.

Some backstory...I was hired to manage billing staff.  Before the recession I was a manager and had people working for me.  I managed work flow and trained staff.  Charles treated me with respect because he'd hired me to take care of the billing dept in the MN office.  He trusted me to make decisions without him having to be involved unless I was unsure of something.  When Toni came on she was clear with me that she didn't care about my background.  I was now a billing clerk instead of a billing manager.  I was now excluded from meetings and not part of the decision making process.  I was not management staff anymore.  I was rarely  awarded an explanation for what I was told to do.  If I dared to ask why she would say to DO IT and no explanation would be offered.  I was obsolete now and my status severely reduced.  It stung. 

I'd realized pretty quickly that Toni and I weren't going to be a good match.  This spurred me on to work on getting my house ready to go on the market.  If I can just get my house sold I can move wherever I want and start fresh!  This is a good thing that came out of this other painful stuff.  I'd realized I wasn't interested in being part of this new "team" at CMA.  I wanted out!

I carefully mentioned my concerns about my job security with all the changes to the MN director, hoping for some reassurance...asking him if there was more I could do to help staff because I wanted to keep my job.  Instead of the usual response "your job is secure" I got "We hope you keep your job here too".  I felt a loss of support and felt on my own.  This was part of what led me to my withdrawl.  I'm not a super social person in the first place so I bet mostly no one noticed it but I spent my days working and hoping Toni would leave me in peace to avoid stress.  My best days were when Toni didn't contact me for anything.  

When she came to town she ignored me.  The owner once wanted me to meet some legal staff and there was Toni, giving me the hairy eyeball because she didn't think I needed to be meeting anyone...I was a billing specialist...I didn't matter.  She honestly acted offended that he bothered!  She didn't think I should be introduced to anyone.  It was incredibly uncomfortable!  I got the point.  

So this past year has been all about getting my house ready for market so I can give notice, make some changes and get on with my life!  

There are a lot of complex emotions that go into making big life changes like selling a house, leaving friends/family to start fresh someplace new.  It's been a complex year for me emotionally!

Well there has been some strange culminations cropping up on me the past couple weeks.  On a recent day, the entire office was informed that we were ALL receiving pay cuts.  Again.  This happened last time around this time of year also.  We were told that later we'd find out how much our pay cuts would be.  Joy.  The past few years I've had no raises.  Just pay cuts and restorations.  I figured here we go again.  Same old, same old.  I was bummed but it has become something I'm used to.

Then there was an email from Toni saying she wanted me to pack up some of my projects and send them down the new billing gal in TX.  She'd be taking over because she didn't have enough to do.  I don't either, to be honest, but I sure as fuck wouldn't tell Toni that - it'd be an open invitation to be fired!  I need this job for now!  So I had some weird feelings about this.  Part of me was dreading having less work to do and another part of me was thinking it was time to hand some of this off since I'm planning on leaving as soon as I can anyway.  Why hang on?  In fact, I had the urge to offer to let her take more but worried I'd be tipping my hand so I resisted.  Toni seemed surprised that I took it like a good sport.  Maybe I should have resisted a bit?  I don't care enough any more.  Fuck it.

The next day, my pal (the one who got promoted) told me that changes were in the works as far as Toni's status.  She told me to act dumb if the director mentioned it.  I did when he did.  But what he said indirectly confirmed what she'd said.  One of the other things she said was she'd told the owners that I was job hunting.  Apparently this upset them.  Flattering but hey, I'm not job hunting.  I have looked a bit but since the recession, pay options SUCK and it'd be hard to replace this job at this pay rate.  At least I got my last raise BEFORE the recession.  The recession has fucked everyone pretty well.  Even if you can get a job, good luck with getting what you used to make!  It's an employer's market.  They have the power right now.  Too many desperate folks still needing work.  No body is going to get paid worth a shit until this economy picks up.  So no, I have not been looking.  I've just come to work every day and hoped to be left alone to work in peace.  I have given up on any aspirations of being anything beyond a billing clerk at this company. Toni wouldn't have it any other way!  At least I'm a well paid billing clerk since they didn't reduce my pay to match my apparent, but not formalized, reduced status in the company.  

So the past couple of days I've had upper management stopping by to tell me how much they value me and how they want me to stay and hope I'll hang in there with them because things will get better soon.  The owner stopped by this AM to give the same message and even seemed choked up about it!  I have been feeling incredibly guilty because I still plan to head my merry way.  I've had enough.  I have a bright new future waiting for me in another state.  No pay cuts and no shitty, nasty bosses that make me miserable.  I do like everyone except for Toni so I was feeling incredibly bad about my plans.  Guilty!  Thinking how they will hate me when the time comes but how, in order to protect myself, I can't admit to my plans.  What if the house doesn't sell this summer and I have to stay longer than I'm hoping?  I can't tip my hat yet.  

And then the icing hit.  I asked the director what my actual pay cut would be since he'd said he'd talk to all of us and here is was, Thursday and it had been almost a whole week with no word!  He came in apologizing and showed me the cut.  It's over double what it's ever been before.  It knocks about $250 out of my monthly income. OUCH!  THIS HURTS!!  

I revamped my budget quickly to see the impact.  I could survive ok.  Whew.  But it would slow down reducing my debt big time.  I put a good face on and got thru the rest of my day.  The way home was another story.

I'm driving along and thinking about all of this.  Thinking about this past year of churning guts and shaking hands.  Of feeling obsolete and unsupported.  Of having a woman relish implying I'm stupid if I dare to ask her how she wants anything done.  Of stopping talking to people at work unless necessary.  Feeling betrayed and unwanted because of my association with Charles.  Then, more recently, all the heartfelt "we need you, we want you, hang in there with us" and then the finale, the twice the normal fucking pay cut.  Being forced to being an investor with no hope of return.  That is my reward for this past year of misery.  Thanks.  

I finally cried.  I've cried a lot today.  Seems like once you start it gains momentum.  Then you think you're done and there you go again!  I need this to stop by tomorrow because I have to go to work again and pretend everything is ok.  I need to stuff down my toxic feelings again and get thru another day.  And another and another until certain things come to pass and I can finally plan my exit.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I'm hoping it will be less painful than this past year has been.  I had it good for a while with this company.  I'm grateful for that.  I'm grateful I have a job and a regular paycheck!  I'm paying for it in more ways than my time and effort.  

I'm blogging this because I'm hoping to exercise some demons, so to speak.  There can be no crying at work tomorrow.  This has to go somewhere so instead of stuffing it and letting it give me stomach troubles I'm trying to spew it out.  I need to stay for now.  And luckily I like most of the people I work with.  And since I started talking to people I don't feel so betrayed and I know most are happy I'm there with them.  But this relationship is broken.  I'm tired of feeling like this.  I can do it for however long is necessary tho to achieve my goals.  

I was seeking inspiration & sadly I found it...thoughts on love/relationships

I've been pondering what to write about next since I do enjoy writing but have lacked inspiration of late.  This morning I realized I received "inspiration" recently in the form of a sad friend whose relationship had taken a bad turn. 

I understood what my friend was feeling.  I've had relationships end and did time walking around like a zombie for quite a while, crying at random moments.  I felt either numbness or deep sadness.  Those were not good times for me. 

I tried to get back into the dating pool too soon and had to step back...for a couple years!  I'd been looking for a replacement.  Someone to fill that empty space in me.  I decided needed to get my shit together first.  I needed to make myself whole again.  I needed to be OK all by myself before I was ready to let someone else in.  They needed to be the icing instead of the cake.  Nice to have, but not necessary for me to be happy.

I got there and put myself back out there.  Let me just say I hate dating and dating sites!  But if you want to have a chance you gotta put yourself out there and try. 

I joined a volunteer group that was all women.  Didn't help with the dating plan but I made some friends and got out there!  They helped counter the BS from the dating pool. 

I'd do the dating thing for as long as I could stand it and then I'd take a break and just hang out with friends until I'd recovered enough to go back into the dating pool again.  It's brutal on the emotions!  I think I handled it better than a lot of singles because I went into it thinking I'd make new friends and if something bigger came out of it, hey, bonus!  Even with that attitude, the level of bullshit that you have to deal with is pretty huge and a sane person can only tolerate so much of it before it starts getting really depressing.  REALLY.  That's why I needed those breaks so desperately...to cheer up so I could try again.

Luckily I made a friend and it did turn into something bigger and he saved me from the dreaded dating pool.  Hopefully for the rest of my life!  I'm really hoping that Ken and I can make this last until we're old and having wheelchair races in the nursing home together.

With my friend's news I had the sudden fear that Ken and I could split someday and I'd once again be back in that world of hurt.  Hard not to think that since I know it can happen!  I've been in relationships that I thought were going to last a lifetime and ended up on my own.  I've learned that people change.  They can grow apart.  They don't do it on purpose, they don't do it to hurt anyone, they do it because it's natural to grow and we can't always control the directions we grow.  One thing about a relationship is that it NEVER stays the same.  It will change and not always for the better for the relationship's sake.  Sometimes people truly do grow apart and cannot stay together without one or both having to sacrifice their personal happiness to do so...to conform to something that no longer fits them. 

I think our time on earth is too short to spend it miserable and unhappy.  If it's worth trying to fix, then do it.  I think that when it's over, you know it.  Or at least one of you does and the other is going to have to abide by that.  The thing is, you can't force love.  You can't shame it or bribe it or buy it.  It's there or it isn't.  And if only one of a pair is feeling it, the relationship is doomed. 

I had an ex who tried to force me back to him with bribes, financial punishments and threats.  It was truly bizarre to have someone who is proclaiming to love you, do their best to hurt you.  I won't ever stay with someone who'll act like that.  That isn't love.   

When you love someone...REALLY love them...you want them to be happy, even if it's at your own expense.  Even if it hurts.  Love isn't possession/ownership.  Love isn't a single feeling.  I think that love is how you summarize your many feelings for someone when they make you feel so many good feelings. 

Love evolves over time as you get to know each other better and as you get used to each other and begin to take certain things for granted.  Another natural part of the process.  While this is happening between you and your partner, your self image is also evolving separately.  Sometimes one or both will discover that this relationship isn't what they thought they wanted.  They can even still love their partner but find that their life together isn't a good fit.  Not all relationships have to end in a toxic, bitter battle.

I have felt bad in my life because people have loved me but I haven't loved them back like they needed.  I didn't do it to hurt them.  I simply didn't feel what they needed/wanted me to feel.  And the same for me...I've loved people and had them not love me back like I needed/wanted them to.  It sucks!  But having been on both ends I know that it doesn't mean you don't matter to those people, even if the relationship won't evolve like you'd hoped.  That helps me a bit.  I understand.  I've felt terrible having someone say they love me when I wasn't feeling it back!  I never wanted to hurt them but I did.  I know how it feels because it's happened to me.  So, knowing this, I work on forgiveness, of myself and others, for not being able to always be what we might have wished.  And being grateful for the experiences, good and bad, that have filled my life with intensity and vitality. 

I guess this is how I will close this line of thought...with gratitude.  And courage!  You need courage to put yourself out there and give love a shot.  Even if it doesn't work out, and most of the time it won't, you've had that relationship...known that special person and lived out what relationship there was to live out together and sometimes you end up with a life long friend.  It takes courage to risk the potential pain but without love, what is life worth anyway? 

No regrets...and thank you.

GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

MY NEW COMPUTER IS ALMOST HERE!!!  I'm so freaking excited it's stupid!!  Today I was car shopping with Ben on CarSoup and my computer kept having it's little spaz attacks.  I will have one that won't do that SOON!!! 

What a fucking week this has been!  Well I shouldn't bitch because it's been way better than last week.  Last week I had wayyyyy too much contact with my boss and was so stressed my hands were shaking when I tried to respond to her emails.  This week, she only contacted me once, I responded, waiting for her to figure out a way to make it my fault (it's always my fault) and then she didn't!  She just said THANK YOU!  Can you fucking believe it???  Guess she couldn't think anything up this time.  She's kind of insane.  She has imaginary shit going on in her head that I have to keep proving I didn't do.  It's stupid.  She keeps me off balance tho it's usually safest to expect the worst.  That's usually what you get.

I've had a tall Newcastle at BWW's after car shopping tonight and am now delving into some sweet cherry wine that is surprisingly good for being cheap (as wines go)!  I'm feeling happy and my typing is sloppy.  Probably a good thing I don't have a new computer yet.  I shouldn't play World of Warcraft (WoW is how I will refer to this in the future for your reference) when I've imbibed.  Oops!  Gotta pee!  BRB! 

Ah, that's better!  You miss me?  NOT!  I forgot my spare wings at BWW's.  I'm a little sad that I was so forgetful but I wasn't sad enough to make Ben turn around and drive me back to get them .

OMG!  Life has been busy!!!  I bought new flooring (hard to spell when buzzed...thank god for backspacing)!!!  It will be BEAUTIFUL when it's down!  I know someone will buy my house just because the kitchen flooring will be so awesome!

this is how gorgeous it is!! 

I ordered a gaming computer for myself (see above CAPS).  I'm going to play WoW again, hopefully by next week!!  Stoked!

More important stuff that's happened to people I love...Lacey & Chris got engaged!  He actually got down on one knee and proposed!  I'm so so so happy he made a fuss over my girl (she deserves it) and that he created an event for both of them to remember!!!  I already consider him family but this made it extra special and made me love him even more!

Next, Nick FINALLY closed on his house!  He and my daughter Lee are moving into their new abode this weekend!  They were put thru utter torture and honestly, the people who did this should be taken out and shot so they don't EVER do it to anyone again!  The level of stress and the volume of fuck-ups was truly mind boggling!  I have never heard of anyone's closing going so horribly!  I'm beyond grateful that it's over and they finally got their house!  If I could have seen the future, I would have recommended that they talk to my friend Carol Ballantine instead of dealing with friends of their friends.  Carol would have taken good care of them!  I regret that I didn't act like a pushy mom this time!

Whoa!  My cell phone finally is all recharged! Just heard it beep.  Gotta go get it!  BRB!  (hard to type that sometimes)

My sweetie is off drinking Newcastle somewhere down in SLC right now.  Wish I was with him!  Cheers baby!

Time to go listen to some tunage.  Probably a good thing I froze all that banana bread I baked last night.  I'd be eating some if I didn't!

I'm a DIY Queen!!

I'm tired after my day of DIY queen work so probably should be going to bed instead of writing this but what the hell, I don't always use my best judgement!

Let me tell you the tale of my kitchen floor.  15 years ago I bought this mobile home.  When I walked into the place I hated it!  I really did!  It had horrific wallpaper all over the place.  My first instinct was I hated the dividing wall between the living room and kitchen and wanted to knock it down.  Walked around into the corner and realized that wasn't possible.  But decided that the price was right (enough) and it would work.  So I bought it.

When it was mine I finally removed a floor mat that had been sitting in front of the fridge to find, to my horror, a badly patched section of linoleum flooring.  Fuckers!  Back then I didn't have squat for money.  Was busy raising 3 kids so financing home improvement projects wasn't high on my list of priorities.  So for years and years I kept a mat over that spot.  And over those years that spot turned into a crack that finally extended almost the entire width of my kitchen.  So had rugs.  And gorilla tape (extra strong tape, stronger that duct tape!) to keep it from cracking even worse.  Sort of helped.

Then came the day when the kids were all grown and I wanted to sell the house and be freer with my life options.  And it was long past time to deal with the floor.  I'd always planned to fix it over the years but never got around to it.  There was always something more important for money/resources to go to.  Now the time had come if I wanted to sell it.  Who wants a house with a cracked up kitchen floor?  Not me!


So here's the plan.  Fix the existing floor by patching it so that it qualifies as a waterproof barrier.  THEN put a new floor down on top of that.  I plan to put in a floating linoleum floor.  Kind of like click flooring but instead of the "click" it has a strip of glue so each piece adheres to the next instead of the floor.  So when I'm done with this it'll be kind of a double waterproof floor, at least up to the cupboard edges and then single underneath.  I'm taking pictures as I go to prove to any inspector, if there is one, that my house is up to code under the new floor. 

My mobile home was built in an interesting way.  Maybe they all are.  Probably.  Anyway, they slap down the floor and then set walls and cupboards on top of it.  From what the MH supply company tells me, I'm supposed to have a waterproof barrier to be up to code.  So having this big old crack in the kitchen floor is a problem!  And cutting the crappy linoleum away from the edges of the cupboards would negate any waterproof barrier qualities it has.  So I decided to google how to repair a linoleum floor and ta-da!  There was a fix and it didn't look to hard!  It left me feeling like an idiot for not doing this years ago too.  Bleah. 

It was rather fun getting the materials!  Told the guys at Menards that I needed a 1 ft X 12 ft strip of their cheapest linoleum.  They looked at me funny.  I told them it was just a patch and didn't need to be pretty.  Believe me, it isn't!  Ran all over the place looking for a heat gun.  No one seemed to know where they had them but all were sure they had them.  Finally found them over by paint supplies.  Just so you know for future reference.

I got adhesive and seam sealer.  I got a new box cutter (kind of excited about that!  I like knives!)  I got some leather gloves since I couldn't find "heat resistant" gloves.  (They worked just fine)  

That's the back story to my day today.  Today I started the project.  First I removed all the rugs.  And then it was time to remove the gorilla tape.

this is the floor with gorilla tape on it

Removing the gorilla tape didn't go well.  That shit sticks like a mo-fo!!  Ended up tearing my floor even worse that it was, taking it off!  This caused me to adapt my plans.  It'd planned to do a thin strip patch.  Instead, decided to do pretty much a full 1ft wide patch to try to eradicate all the tape damage.

the gorilla tape took layers off the flooring underneath and tore the flooring off to the side in a couple spots

here's the original square that I inherited with the house

The instructions said to lay the patch down and cut along it to create a perfect template.  This sound easy right?  Weirdly, making that first cut was an emotional bitch!  I felt strangely traumatized cutting into my floor!  It freaked me out!  But I dug deep and I did it.  It had to be done!

And I had to cut and cut and cut till my hands hurt!  Probably 10 ft long on 2 side and cutting thru 2 pieces of linoleum so had to apply some pressure.  Awkward and not as easy as I thought it would be! 

The glue was so bad under most of it that it lifted off quite easily.  I did need the heat gun & putty knife for the square portion the previous owner had glued on.  That heat gun was rather cool!  The adhesive didn't put up much of a fight once that was applied!

It already looked better just getting that crappy linoleum off!  I was feeling pretty good at this point.  My neck was also hurting and I was also sick of crawling around on the floor, but that was beside the point.  

 I'd come to the conclusion, earlier, that this wasn't going to be a one night job.  But at least I could get the biggest chunk done.  The glue needs to set up for 24 hrs before I can pull the fridge out to work on the last section so round 2 will commence either tomorrow or Monday night. 

Then fun times with glue began!  It seemed so logical and simple in the instructions!  In reality, HOLY SHIT is that stuff sticky and icky!!!  Instructions say that if some of the adhesive oozes out onto the floor to just wipe it up with a paper towel.  What it does not tell you is that your fingers will be sticky from said glue and the paper towel will stick to said sticky fingers and as you work your fingers will become a literal gluey, sticky papery disaster area!  It also says to put down some wax paper and use a seam roller to smooth the seams.  Well, I got the bright idea to save a few pennies and use my granite rolling pin as a seam roller.  I may have cost myself a granite rolling pin with that brilliant judgement call!  Here's what REALLY happens!  You put down the wax paper and start rolling.  The wax paper promptly wraps itself around your rolling pin and glue squeezes out and you're wiping and then trying to get the paper off your gluey fingers and then you're taking your gluey papered hands and grabbing your sticky box cutter to trim the floor because, guess what?  Linoleum "RELAXES"!!  Ken told me this after I bitched about having to re-trim the damned edges TWICE during the gluing process.  So now I have bits of linoleum stuck to my papered gluey fingers.  And my rolling pin isn't faring a lot better! 

I pushed on thru.  I had to pause regularly to pry the glue/paper/linoleum off my fingers.  Then go reapply.  Finally it was glued down and flush with the existing floor!  Bowing to applause here!  Thank you!  Thank you very much!!

See?  I told you it wasn't pretty!

The bags are rock salt in ziplocs to put a little weight on certain areas that weren't committed to staying put

I'd be in big trouble if this had to be pretty.  What you can't see is that there is some smeary glue stuff around the edges that I'm hoping I can get off later for a professional finish.  If I can't?  Pfft!  It's going to be hidden under a new floor in another month anyway!

Now I don't touch it for 24 hrs.  Then I will cut and lay down another patch.  After that sets I'll seal the edges and it will be waterproof like it has never been the entire time I've lived here.

Now I have peeled most of the adhesive off my hands.  The rest will wear off in time.  I'm almost recovered from crawling around on my floor for hours.  Almost.  I get a 24 hr vacation now!  WOOT WOOT!!  I'm going to go off and wallow in my DIY Queen glory now.  TTFN! 

It's now Monday night (that was Sat) and I've just finished cutting and pasting the last piece in.  Let it set up for 24 hrs then seal all the seams and it's waterproof!  I'm so happy it's all cut and in now.  The rest is cake!

 

 

fridge is pulled out and time to cut the last piece!

DONE!  And I even pattern matched :)

Crying at work is NOT ALLOWED!!!

I have had such a bitch of a time with myself recently!  I'm hormonal.  As in the dreaded PMS <think that word loudly, with reverb>.  Generally I'm not so affected but the past few days, yesterday in particular, have been a hormonal nightmare!

To clarify, PMS stands for PRE-mentrual syndrome!  PRE being the operative word!  This is the time before Auntie Flo comes to visit, when you become moody/snarly, can eat endlessly and never be full, you bloat (could it be from the incessant eating?) and you cramp and your boobs get bigger and get sore and your clothes get tight and you retain water like a mo-fo.  Some months I actually look forward to Aunt Flo's visit!  When AF shows up I relax...almost to a puddle state and become human again.  Aside from peeing out all the fluids you previously retained (imagine trips to the bathroom every 5 fucking minutes), it's that time before AF shows up that can be so, so NOT fun! 

This weekend I wasn't fit to be around people and mostly managed to keep to myself.  I was in snarly, bitchy mode.  I watched Seven Psychopaths and then went on an unpublished rant about the psychos I know.  Well, it was published for a few minutes and then I took it back.  Because I think I came off a little psycho.

My daughters were allowed into my circle of trust because they are also suffering with the dreaded PMS <reverb>.  Apparently my granddaughters have it too because when their Mom came over to visit, the girls started in on their "I want" lists and high drama ensued!  Lots of "MOM!"  "MOM!" "MOM!" and sobbing dramatically and stomping around.  Lee (my daughter) and I caught each others eye over my granddaughter's head (I'd been hunkering down hoping the drama would miss me) and read each others minds in an instant.  We both thought "WTF?????" with a little side of "kill me now please!" thrown in for good measure.  Then the beer began to flow.  Well, a couple beers worth anyway since we aren't all that fond of hang-overs or peeing all night. Couple days later my daughter Lacey came for a visit, bringing chocolate cake to celebrate my belated b'day and soothe our raging hormones.  It worked!  Had some laughs, danced with Penelope and commiserated on how is sucks to be a girl sometimes. 

Then came the dreaded MONDAY.  Seriously!  I was dreading damned Monday on Sunday, all day long!  I even posted this picture as my profile pic as a dark omen of what was to come.  (Maybe I cursed myself?)

Got to work and found that my front office co-workers were BOTH out sick...with the freaking plague from the sound of it!  I hope we aren't in for round 2 of the flu bug at work.  I got off pretty light last time and thought I was safe.  Dammit!!  Anyway, this meant that I'd need to cover phones, figure out where the mailbox was (new building/office, etc) and make checks as needed.  Also felt compelled to stay until the doors automatically locked at 5 since it felt a bit vulnerable leaving the place with no one up front to take deliveries, hold off the barbarians and what not.

Ok.  Doing fine so far at this point.  Was too busy to empty the dishwasher so left it full of clean dishes.  Figured someone else would take care of that.  Sat down to work on submitting some invoices to a client through their software per their request.  Our project manager was on the road so got him to send me his password and got into the program.  Figured out how to upload them and felt pretty proud of myself!  Chased around after this and that. I was taking care of business!

Got an email from the client that I'd submitted the invoices incorrectly.  He sent me a 44 page booklet on how to do this.  (sound of head hitting desk here)  I tried to follow the instructions but the stuff I was supposed to see and select was sadly absent.  I DID NOT want to call the client again to ask for help.  I felt like an idiot but I didn't want to let him in on that.  I was fighting back tears!  This is where PMS can sometimes kick me in the balls, if I had any.  It makes stuff that normally wouldn't phase me, into something that brings on waterworks and makes me want to run home and crawl into bed and hide! I decided to take a lunch break (aka mental health break) and get back at it after.

After lunch I took my dirty dishes into the lunch room to put them in the dishwasher.  The dishwasher was still full and the sink was now full of dirty dishes.  I grumbled mentally and started to unload the clean dishes.  Then I discovered that not only had they not emptied the clean dishes, they'd put their dirty dishes in with the clean dishes AND left a pile in the sink to boot!  Damn!  I forgot that I was the fucking maid that day! 

It took me a while but I got myself under control finally.  Well, maybe not "under control"...what I did was vent to my girlfriend that I was going to update my resume and start job hunting in some very colorful language!  It sort of helped.  Until I tried the client's software again.  After fighting back tears, I called the director of the company to see if he had experience with the software because I was tired of looking like boob in front of our client!  I needed someone to save me!  Luckily this was a good move because the ID I was using didn't have access to the data I was looking for!  We finally got it rolling, the invoices got uploaded AND approved!  I toddled out the door at 5.  I made it!  I didn't cry at work!  (mostly)

Got home late and was rewarded by a nasty odor when I opened the front door.  Bruiser had crapped all over the place.  Kind of expected that since he doesn't tolerate my lateness well but as icing on the cake of my work day, it sucked!  So I got busy cleaning up the mess and using some Pine Sol to clean and freshen the air.  While I was doing this, Bruiser began to barf.  They act kind of like a cat getting ready to toss up a hairball.  It's not nice!  I grabbed him and made a run for the front door and only ended up spreading the "joy" around on the carpet during our mad dash.  Lucky for me I already was in cleaning mode!


After the air was fresh enough that I could tolerate it, I ate the rest of the chocolate b'day cake cause dammit! I earned it!!  From what I hear from my friends on facebook, that may have contributed to my dreaming of taking bears tire shopping at Wal-mart. 

Lemonizing Ree's Sugar Biscuits

A couple weeks ago I tested one of Ree Drummond's recipes, Sugar Biscuits.  They were lovely, sweet buttery little iced biscuits.  Really yummy!  I woke up this morning, pining for sugar biscuits.  Sadly there were none to be had.  So it's baking time again!

Here the link to the recipe   http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2013/01/sugar-biscuits/


Ree suggests an option of adding lemon zest/juice to change up the flavors a bit. She suggested some others but read her blog to find out which...they also sound delicious.  I happen to LOVE baking with lemons so decided to bake some lemony ones up today!

Ignore my mixer...I never used it.  Here are the dry ingredients, "sifted".  I don't have a sifter so I used my wire whisk.  Works fine!

I decided to use 2 lemons.  Make sure you wash them before you zest them.  Stores put wax on them and you really don't want wax in your biscuits.

Zested lemons...ta da! If you haven't zested a lemon before, just be sure not to file away into the white part just under the surface.  That is bitter.  You just want the thin outer layer.  When I was doing this my house was full of lemony smells.  Part of the reason I LOVE baking with lemons!  They bring me joy...they smell good, they look pretty and they taste so yummy!

2 sticks of butter cubed.  That's where that lovely buttery flavor comes from!  Make sure the butter is cold.  If the butter melts it loses it's ability to make your dough light and fluffy.  I've made puff pastry before and the key is to keep the butter from melting as you work the dough and fold and fold.  Time consuming with all the stops to cool down but well worth it.  Same thing here, on a smaller, less anal scale.  

 Got my old pastry cutter out and ready to go to work!  I've had this little tool for oh, about 30 years now.  It's a well loved kitchen implement!

 The butter is cut into the dry ingredients.  It has a crumbly look. 

 Toss in the lemon zest...breath deep and enjoy that smell!

Add your heavy whipping cream...

 Stir it all up with a fork!  (I didn't need my mixer.  Sort of embarrassed that I dug it out and set it up.)

 Form dough into a ball.  Every time (both) that I've made these biscuits I've ended up adding more cream because I've found a bunch of flour when I start forming the dough into the ball.  It's a bit messy but hasn't seemed to affect flavors at all.  I try not to work the dough too much if I can help it.  My hands generate heat and I don't want to warm up the butter too much OR create too much gluten.  I want nice, light, melt in your mouth biscuits...not firm, chewy ones.

 Flour your surface and roll out your dough.  Keep it kind of thick. 

 Can you see the butter bits still showing in the rolled dough?  It's rather difficult to get a picture of it but you can see small butter pieces in the dough when you roll it out.  This is just what you want to see. 

 Biscuit cutter time!  You can place them fairly close together on the pan.  They don't spread out too much. 

They smelled so good when they were baking!!  I normally don't use a timer.  I typically bake by looks.  When they gained a slight golden color I pulled them out.  Last time I pulled them out when they were lighter and the less baked ones tended not to stand up to the frosting process as well.  These are delicate things!  I let them cool completely.  Went off to check facebook and wash dishes while I waited.

Next it's time for the glaze.  This part gets a little messy but if you're like me, you kind of like that!

Cut those lemons in half and juice the little buggers.  Once again, breathe deep and enjoy that lovely scent!

Once again, it turned out I didn't need the mixer for this either so please disregard the mixer!  Sigh.  I don't know why I keep expecting to use the mixer... 

Anyway, here's all the tasty ingredients for the icing...fresh squeezed lemon juice, 1% milk, vanilla, powdered sugar and a pinch of salt.  The recipe calls for whole milk, which I don't have.  1% will work fine.  Last time, since I had cream I thought I'd use that.  I needed a lot more cream than milk...it was quite thick!  I think it tasted a bit better so in the future I think I'll use cream.  This time I got just a bit under a 1/2 cup of lemon juice.  I added a 1/2 cup of milk and it came out with a decent consistency.  I'll get more into the importance of consistency in a few. 

 See?  No mixer!  The good old whisk does the trick!

 THIS is why consistency is so very important!  During my first attempt 2 weeks ago there were many casualties before I got the consistency right.  It needs to be fairly runny since the biscuits are delicate.  If it's too thick they are going to fall to pieces when you try to take them back out of the icing.  See the biscuit bits in that bowl?  Only lost 1 biscuit to this process this time!  And I ate it.  And it was delicious!!

If the icing is too thin, it will run off the biscuits.  Then just add some more powdered sugar to thicken it up a bit again.  Easy!

This is the messy/fun part!  Pick up each biscuit and dip the little bugger into that icing!  Hold it a little to let excess run off...

Set the iced biscuits on a wire rack, over a pan to catch drippings and allow the icing to set.  It takes a while.  I sampled some un-iced biscuits (the ones that didn't look like they'd survive icing) in the meantime and they were just as good as I remembered!  Light, buttery with a touch of lemon.  MMMMMM!!!

New office observations and duck lips...neither are good

First day in the new office!  Like how I gave it an exclamation point?  That's me, faking excitement. There are a few drawbacks to my new space.

1) There is a bathroom right next door and I can hear it flush and the hand dryer blow whenever it's used.  At least I haven't experienced any bad odors so I'll admit this could be worse.  I will take the long walk down the hall to use the public bathroom, thank you very much!  I passed the owner of the company coming back from that bathroom today...I'm not the only one that isn't fond of our new bathroom.  Plus it has a shower.  Really?  They think staff is going to shower right next to the reception area?  If they do, I hope they sing in the shower and entertain us all.

2)  I apparently don't move enough because my motion sensor lights turn off sometimes while I'm sitting there working.  I also get to experience my co-worker's office lights going on and off on a regular basis as they come and go.  It's a bit trippy!

3)  I have some new views worth mentioning.  First I'll mention what I had at the old office...large windows facing out to the street.  I could peep in at the neighbors across the way, watch the occasional red tailed hawk sit on the roof and just enjoy the sky.

Now I have a white wall to look at if I look away from my computer.  There's a LOT of white in the new office.  A LOT!

OR I can look out my door, into my new boss's office.  She doesn't like me.  Last time she was in town I think she said "hi" to me once. I think.  Maybe I imagined she did to make myself feel better.

The good thing is that she primarily works in TX so mostly it's just an empty office.  Bad thing, there will be no escaping her when she's here.  NO privacy at all!  She can give me the hairy eyeball all she wants and short of ducking under my desk there will be no escape! 

4)  I'm not seeing any places to put any family pictures.  Yet.

5)  It's a VERY sterile environment.  Today I noticed that my papers blended into the white desktop.  Like camouflage.  Never thought about white desktops but I have to say, now that I've had a smidgen of experience, I'm against them!  They also show every speck of dirt!  My mechanical pencil lead snapped off and landed on the desk.  I swept my hand over it to scoop it into the garbage and it left a nice gray smear.  I haven't bothered to run to the cleaning closet yet.  I think I'll live with it for a while.  Savor this gray smear on my white desk top.  It's like art according to the Walker Art Museum. It could actually go into the Walker Art Museum!  Last time I went there I realized I could take a crap in the corner and they'd probably fence it off and call it art.  I'm not a fan of the Walker because they put freeze dried dogs in the corner and rub rubber off tires (stinks!) and call it art.  I find that flatly insulting.  I've seen ART and that ain't ART.  It's crap! 

Now for my entertainment segment!  I'm going to post some pictures I took of myself this past weekend.  I'd decided it was time to update my profile picture on facebook so was taking some lovely self portraits.  NOT!  Actually, when I do this I take a bunch of pictures hoping I won't hate a few.  Most of them looked like crap.  I tend to get obnoxious in the process because when you look at bad picture after bad picture you (I) finally decide to embrace it.  So I tried to do duck lips.

This is my first try.  I think it's safe to say I don't know how to make a "sexy" pucker. 

 

I thought I'd try to suck in my cheeks like a model.  (I saw this technique on Zoolander.) This did NOT help!

I figured I'd try pooching out the upper lip.  Isn't this what the teeny boppers/20-somethings do?  Why is it so hard to make this look even marginally decent??  I look like someone punched me...or I don't know what.  It's just not good.  It's stupid.

After the dismal upper lip failure I tried pooching out both lips.  I looked like a guppy.  Or a younger, slightly more feminine version of Mick Jagger.  Or Goldie Hawn on First Wives Club after she had her lips done.  Basically, I looked stupid.  I don't know how to do duck lips.  I'm against duck lips because most people look stupid with them but I have learned that I look even more stupid doing it than most!  I'm still not going to admire those who can make them look sort of ok.  It's stupid looking.  I have proof.  Look at this picture!  IT'S STUPID LOOKING!!

I was really bored this weekend.  Not bored enough to be terribly motivated but bored enough to take duck lip pictures of myself.  In fact, I savored the boredom!  I rolled around in it like a dog rolls in garbage! 

Well, this was an interlude.  Time to brace myself to go back to my white, white office tomorrow.  Or just try to forget for a few hours and enjoy having some color around me.  I'm tempted to bring in some magic markers and do a little artwork on the wall to break the monotony.