The house is pretty quiet right now. I need to get busy doing some cleaning and a little errands. I have a headache. Had a glass and a half of some crappy wine last night. A half because I couldn't bring myself to take another sip. Lacey has a headache too. We're going to blame the wine.
It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now. My heart aches. I miss my pup.
Life goes on.
Yesterday we decided to go car shopping. Ended up getting Lacey's sorry Matrix turned in for a Civic that should last her for some years. Got it financed low enough that she'll be able to pay the loan off in a few months with her tax refund. Penelope was pretty patient with it all. Amazingly so.
As the day wore on into evening I would think about my empty house and how I no longer needed to get home to let Bruiser out and feed him. I felt the pang of loss.
Coming home was sad. Walking to my room and there's no baby gate. There's no rug with Bruiser's dishes on it by the back door. Going into my room, his bed isn't there. He isn't there. And my heart hurts.
I slept 9 hours last night. I woke up and laid there. Heard Penelope so turned on the TV to lure her in. Laid there thinking how I didn't need to get up and let Bruiser out or feed him. And how I wouldn't need to step over him when I made my bed. I laid in bed a long time this morning. Luckily Penelope was there to snuggle and eventually Lacey was there too. And smiles.
Lacey made crepes and bacon for lunch (was supposed to be breakfast but we are moving slowly today).
I sat at the table and looked out the kitchen window and started to cry a little because I missed him. Why crepes made me miss him I have no idea. I managed myself and got a grip and enjoyed the good food. We talked a bit about how I don't miss the work of having a pet. About how I think I'll get used to this and eventually like it. But that I still miss him. Lacey called it a labor of love. It was.
Then I decided to have a soak in the tub. I sat there in the heat and felt guilty. So guilty! And so lonely for my pup.
I kept thinking about how scared he was in those last moments. It was fast thankfully but he turned to me and I looked into his eyes and don't exactly remember what I said in that moment but then I put my mouth on his head like I've done so many times throughout his life and he smelled my scent for his last breath. I was there with him. I felt him go. I said he's gone. The vet said she'd check but I knew. I felt him go.
That haunts me. He turned to me when he was scared and I didn't save him. I failed. That's probably what I struggle with most right now, aside from missing him.
I feel guilty that I wasn't up to caring for him until he died of natural causes. That I couldn't handle those long, sleepless nights that happened too often and left me feeling like a zombie during the day while he rested up for the next round.
I feel guilty that sometimes in the wee hours I had been ready to drive him to a field and leave him there. He felt that. I scared him with my barely restrained violence. He sensed it tho I didn't hurt him. At least it didn't happen often but it did happen and I felt like a shit for thinking it. But that's real and hard and honest.
I feel guilty that I didn't want him having accidents all over the new flooring I put in this past year so I can get my house sold. Last spring, when winter didn't want to end, he stopped going potty outside and it didn't matter how often he was let out. We were in for another round of that this winter...months of that...on the new floors that cost me $ and sweat and sore muscles this past summer.
I feel guilty that I begrudged the expensive, special food he required, the expensive vet visits and medications. It's been pay cut after pay cut at my job in recent years and his needs have increased.
I feel guilty about many things. I feel like a failure.
And sitting there in the steam I realized that guilt has been my constant companion in life. It's always there. Moments like this bring it to the fore but it's always there.
I have guilt about raising my kids. I haven't always done well by them. I haven't always even tried. Same with pretty much everything in life. Most of the time I do my best. But not always. Sometimes I'm small and mean and selfish. I'm human. That's not an excuse. It's just a fact.
Guilt is actually a healthy emotion if you don't let it get the best of you. It drives you to try harder or to avoid repeating mistakes.
When I had those dark thoughts towards Bruiser and I could tell he knew it, I made an extra effort to be kind and as gentle as possible the next time I handled him. Guilt drove me to be better than I had been.
There's good reason for my guilt with regard to my pup. I did fail him. I wasn't up to caring for him. Like I've said before, if he was a person I would have put him in a nursing home. Along with guilt comes the acceptance of short-comings sometimes. Maybe someone else could have done for Bruiser what I couldn't or wouldn't. But I had to make a judgment call. Some of it was for his sake. He was going to die. I did save him from more scary moments, like when his leg wouldn't support him and he'd fall, or when he'd feel lost and confused. When he was sore and couldn't tell me and would have to wait until I figured out something was wrong. I saved him from another cold winter. He never did well in winter but last spring taught me that he was at his end with winter. I don't know that he would have survived it. At least he went before he had to suffer through that.
Some of the judgment call was for my sake. And for Lacey & Penelope's sake. It was exhausting for all of us to care for him. Truly. It was a lot of work. I was trapped and unable to travel or be away from him for any period because of the level of his needs and my unwillingness to ask someone else to suffer through nights without much sleep or clean up his accidents or deal with his crying and medicating him.
The part that was for my sake is the part I have guilt about.
I miss him.
I want him back. I so miss his little face and those big brown eyes! And when he'd dance because he was happy or excited! Oh how I miss that!! It's amazing how much I miss that.
I don't want him back. I'm ready to try life without pets for a while. To be free. But I don't want to miss him. I don't want to feel guilty. I can't help it.
It feels good to sleep.
I still feel like I did the right thing. I don't like it. But I did what needed to be done. Just gotta keep telling myself that enough and some day I'll believe it again.
It can't be undone.
Now I have to deal with the fallout. I have to get used to life without him. Another little ache that I'll carry around in my heart for the rest of my life. I'm building a collection of those. Once again, while those aches hurt, they are worth it because it means you loved someone and they loved you. Nothing can last forever. But you had them for a while and it was good enough that you miss them. I miss quite a few people and I will miss more before my life is over and someone will miss me.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
The end
Today is the day.
Geez this is tough. Last night was mostly good. I enjoyed some time alone with just my pup and me. Decided to skip the bath since he doesn't like them anyway. Why put him thru it again?
I had a panic attack last night when I was getting set up to go to bed. Had a hard time breathing. Took a while to get a grip on myself again. Can't go into that because I'm at work and need to keep my shit together. I need to do that today as much as I can anyway. Suffice it to say I'm thankful I was texting Ken when it hit. He helped.
Today is a fragile kind of day. Mentally I'm working real hard to distance myself from emotions. Not very successfully but working on it. I have some things to get thru. This is the hardest day I've had in a while.
To lighten the mood...after I shut the lights out last night Bruiser farted a bad one...wow! I mean paint peeling stench! touché Bruiser, touché!
My little brat dog strikes again!
Punk ass dawg :)
It's the evening now and Bruiser is gone. The house is quiet. My heart is aching. Tears are flowing. I miss my puppy. It hurts.
My heart is broken.
Geez this is tough. Last night was mostly good. I enjoyed some time alone with just my pup and me. Decided to skip the bath since he doesn't like them anyway. Why put him thru it again?
I had a panic attack last night when I was getting set up to go to bed. Had a hard time breathing. Took a while to get a grip on myself again. Can't go into that because I'm at work and need to keep my shit together. I need to do that today as much as I can anyway. Suffice it to say I'm thankful I was texting Ken when it hit. He helped.
Today is a fragile kind of day. Mentally I'm working real hard to distance myself from emotions. Not very successfully but working on it. I have some things to get thru. This is the hardest day I've had in a while.
To lighten the mood...after I shut the lights out last night Bruiser farted a bad one...wow! I mean paint peeling stench! touché Bruiser, touché!
My little brat dog strikes again!
Punk ass dawg :)
It's the evening now and Bruiser is gone. The house is quiet. My heart is aching. Tears are flowing. I miss my puppy. It hurts.
My heart is broken.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
The end is near: Thursday
Tomorrow is it.
Today is going better than yesterday so far. I'm not having panic attacks. I feel sad and calm mostly. I'm bracing myself for tomorrow. I want to do well by him. Dogs feed off our energy so I want my energy to be calm and comforting for him. It's going to be a challenge but that's my goal. I can go to pieces after. Before I need to keep a grip if it's possible. I really hope it is.
Tonight it should be just Bruiser and me at home again. For the last time. I intend to fuss over him a bit. Going to give him a bath so he gets perked up for a bit and feels nice. He likes being clean. I'm going to let him eat a lot. If his eyes look ok I won't put meds in them. And he's going to get some Alpo snackies just because.
All these years it's been nice having him in the house. Especially after all the kids moved out. He was good company. It was nice to have someone be happy to see me at the end of the day. I was happy to see him! He's so stinking cute!
In recent years it's been nice to have his company even if he mostly slept. At least there was someone else there. It wasn't just me.
I don't expect to spend a lot of the rest of my life alone now. My life is changing. I have Lacey & Penelope with me now. I plan to eventually sell the house and start a life with Ken so I will have him to spend my days with. I won't spend weeks/months alone anymore. Which is nice. But I'm so glad Bruiser was there when I was living like that. That was nice :)
He has been a great family dog!! He was so funny and gentle with the kids. He was robust enough that he could rough house with them but small enough so they could cuddle him like a baby. When they were still living at home you'd hear how he was the cutest dog in the whole world about a hundred times a day and then he'd be squeezed and snuggled and adored. We've all had it pretty good!
He was renowned for his laziness. He would sit down during sock tug-of-war battles. You could do most anything to him while he laid there and as long as it didn't hurt he'd go limp and let you. That was pretty amusing sometimes! If he got tired during a walk he'd lay down. Short of dragging him by the neck, you'd get to carry him from there.
He never learned to play fetch. Bruiser is a natural born tease. You'd throw his toy, he'd run to get it and then try to lure you into chasing him to get it from him. He simply would not play normal fetch! EVER! That concept flew in the face of his basic personality!
He doesn't like things poking his feet. I remember taking him for walks and he'd gingerly hop over crab grass growing in the cracks of the sidewalks. I tried taking him into a field to run. I'd done that with all my other dogs and they loved it. Well, Bruiser didn't love it. He sat down and refused to so much as walk! I had to finally give up and carry him back to the car.
Bruiser likes the life of luxury. He is picky about his food. It's been hard over the years to get him to switch dog foods. I've been successful but sometimes he'd go for days without eating because it wasn't the right food in his dish. He loves to be snuggled in his bed with fresh sheets. He prefers inside to outside most of the time. There were many times when I'd have him out with me while I worked in the yard and he'd sit at the top of the stairs crying to go inside.
Bruiser doesn't like to be messed with. If you do, you will hear, loudly, about his unhappiness! I have been told not to bring him back to a couple of grooming places. He has embarrassed me by howling over a toenail trim so loudly that you could hear him in the front of the store. He has carried on so badly at the vets that they've been sure something must be horribly wrong with him. I have to reassure them that he's just a drama queen and he's actually fine. He cries thru baths and haircuts and toenail trims. Vet visits...put him down and he runs for the door. Let's just say he isn't fond of the vet :) They mess with him too much and that's not tolerable!
I'll be messing with him tonight. Hopefully he won't mind it too much! It's my last chance so I plan to enjoy it!
Today is going better than yesterday so far. I'm not having panic attacks. I feel sad and calm mostly. I'm bracing myself for tomorrow. I want to do well by him. Dogs feed off our energy so I want my energy to be calm and comforting for him. It's going to be a challenge but that's my goal. I can go to pieces after. Before I need to keep a grip if it's possible. I really hope it is.
Tonight it should be just Bruiser and me at home again. For the last time. I intend to fuss over him a bit. Going to give him a bath so he gets perked up for a bit and feels nice. He likes being clean. I'm going to let him eat a lot. If his eyes look ok I won't put meds in them. And he's going to get some Alpo snackies just because.
All these years it's been nice having him in the house. Especially after all the kids moved out. He was good company. It was nice to have someone be happy to see me at the end of the day. I was happy to see him! He's so stinking cute!
In recent years it's been nice to have his company even if he mostly slept. At least there was someone else there. It wasn't just me.
I don't expect to spend a lot of the rest of my life alone now. My life is changing. I have Lacey & Penelope with me now. I plan to eventually sell the house and start a life with Ken so I will have him to spend my days with. I won't spend weeks/months alone anymore. Which is nice. But I'm so glad Bruiser was there when I was living like that. That was nice :)
He has been a great family dog!! He was so funny and gentle with the kids. He was robust enough that he could rough house with them but small enough so they could cuddle him like a baby. When they were still living at home you'd hear how he was the cutest dog in the whole world about a hundred times a day and then he'd be squeezed and snuggled and adored. We've all had it pretty good!
He was renowned for his laziness. He would sit down during sock tug-of-war battles. You could do most anything to him while he laid there and as long as it didn't hurt he'd go limp and let you. That was pretty amusing sometimes! If he got tired during a walk he'd lay down. Short of dragging him by the neck, you'd get to carry him from there.
He never learned to play fetch. Bruiser is a natural born tease. You'd throw his toy, he'd run to get it and then try to lure you into chasing him to get it from him. He simply would not play normal fetch! EVER! That concept flew in the face of his basic personality!
He doesn't like things poking his feet. I remember taking him for walks and he'd gingerly hop over crab grass growing in the cracks of the sidewalks. I tried taking him into a field to run. I'd done that with all my other dogs and they loved it. Well, Bruiser didn't love it. He sat down and refused to so much as walk! I had to finally give up and carry him back to the car.
Bruiser likes the life of luxury. He is picky about his food. It's been hard over the years to get him to switch dog foods. I've been successful but sometimes he'd go for days without eating because it wasn't the right food in his dish. He loves to be snuggled in his bed with fresh sheets. He prefers inside to outside most of the time. There were many times when I'd have him out with me while I worked in the yard and he'd sit at the top of the stairs crying to go inside.
Bruiser doesn't like to be messed with. If you do, you will hear, loudly, about his unhappiness! I have been told not to bring him back to a couple of grooming places. He has embarrassed me by howling over a toenail trim so loudly that you could hear him in the front of the store. He has carried on so badly at the vets that they've been sure something must be horribly wrong with him. I have to reassure them that he's just a drama queen and he's actually fine. He cries thru baths and haircuts and toenail trims. Vet visits...put him down and he runs for the door. Let's just say he isn't fond of the vet :) They mess with him too much and that's not tolerable!
I'll be messing with him tonight. Hopefully he won't mind it too much! It's my last chance so I plan to enjoy it!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
The end is near: Wednesday
I'm squirming. I'm stressed. I'm also tired because Bruiser was fussy last night. I overslept and got to work late. I'm yawning. I'm depressed.
Tonight I'm taking the night off from this. I'm going to try anyway. I will notify the rest of the people tomorrow via email and phone call. Tonight I will rake leaves and decorate for Halloween. I'll give Bruiser a bath because his butt looks a bit messy. He'll feel better getting freshened up. Will probably bound around the house a bit! I will watch Survivor and American Horror Story. Maybe I will order a pizza so no one has to cook? Good thought. Going to make tonight as normal as possible.
I paid for the euthanasia last night after work. Tried to be cool and failed miserably again. The girl cleaning the windows was staring at me as I drove away. I don't feel very tough lately. I'm tired and my emotions are spilling all over the place.
Glad I had errands to run after. I got a new iphone so that distracted me for quite a while last night.
I feel trapped. If I decide to run from this he will have a hard winter, being cold and crying at night. We won't get any sleep in the house and Lacey will be cleaning up poop and pee off my new floors and trying to manage him on top of dealing with my granddaughter. He will continue to decline. Doing it now saves this from going into a downhill spiral, which it will. I've lived with his dementia long enough to know that and finally accept it. It's not going to get any better from here on out. But it makes me feel trapped to know this. That's why I'm squirming. I'm still looking for an escape route and there isn't one. I will have to say good-bye to him. Sooner or later I will. Sooner is better when I consider the ramifications of later for him and for his family.
I'm adding to this as I go thru the day. Right now I'm in panic mode...heart racing and fighting tears. Had a dismal month of billing at work, which is depressing on a lot of levels. There's a lot of pressure at work to get $ in the door. And then a friend posted that her dog had just died in her arms and how much she misses her. It made me feel sick inside cause I'm next.
I have wanted to avoid that pain of this. I still do. I talk about embracing it but it's hard to keep my grip on that. I know I will have to let him go. He is an old dog. He can't live forever. Logically I know I'm going the right thing. I know this is a peak, so to speak, and it's a downhill slide from here that won't be fun for any of us, including my pup. But I don't want to say good-bye. It hurts. This visceral reaction is really hard to manage in some moments.
Writing about it is helping some. It helps me sort my thoughts out and get logic in the forefront, ahead of emotion. That is a job right now.
I'm not advertising my blog thru this. It's too depressing and painful and I feel like that would be sensationalizing the situation for attention. I'm not doing this for attention. I'm doing this to try to keep my head on straight. If someone ever finds this who's been thru it or is going thru it, at least they will know someone else went thru it too. Not sure that's a comfort. Seeing Minerva grieving her pup isn't helping me with mine. It just adds to the panic reaction. But anyway, like I said, this is helping me get my shit together. Over and over during the day. Because I get a grip and then I lose it. I suspect this will get worse and be practically unlivable by Friday. I gotta try to keep it together. I gotta.
Tonight I'm taking the night off from this. I'm going to try anyway. I will notify the rest of the people tomorrow via email and phone call. Tonight I will rake leaves and decorate for Halloween. I'll give Bruiser a bath because his butt looks a bit messy. He'll feel better getting freshened up. Will probably bound around the house a bit! I will watch Survivor and American Horror Story. Maybe I will order a pizza so no one has to cook? Good thought. Going to make tonight as normal as possible.
I paid for the euthanasia last night after work. Tried to be cool and failed miserably again. The girl cleaning the windows was staring at me as I drove away. I don't feel very tough lately. I'm tired and my emotions are spilling all over the place.
Glad I had errands to run after. I got a new iphone so that distracted me for quite a while last night.
I feel trapped. If I decide to run from this he will have a hard winter, being cold and crying at night. We won't get any sleep in the house and Lacey will be cleaning up poop and pee off my new floors and trying to manage him on top of dealing with my granddaughter. He will continue to decline. Doing it now saves this from going into a downhill spiral, which it will. I've lived with his dementia long enough to know that and finally accept it. It's not going to get any better from here on out. But it makes me feel trapped to know this. That's why I'm squirming. I'm still looking for an escape route and there isn't one. I will have to say good-bye to him. Sooner or later I will. Sooner is better when I consider the ramifications of later for him and for his family.
I'm adding to this as I go thru the day. Right now I'm in panic mode...heart racing and fighting tears. Had a dismal month of billing at work, which is depressing on a lot of levels. There's a lot of pressure at work to get $ in the door. And then a friend posted that her dog had just died in her arms and how much she misses her. It made me feel sick inside cause I'm next.
I have wanted to avoid that pain of this. I still do. I talk about embracing it but it's hard to keep my grip on that. I know I will have to let him go. He is an old dog. He can't live forever. Logically I know I'm going the right thing. I know this is a peak, so to speak, and it's a downhill slide from here that won't be fun for any of us, including my pup. But I don't want to say good-bye. It hurts. This visceral reaction is really hard to manage in some moments.
Writing about it is helping some. It helps me sort my thoughts out and get logic in the forefront, ahead of emotion. That is a job right now.
I'm not advertising my blog thru this. It's too depressing and painful and I feel like that would be sensationalizing the situation for attention. I'm not doing this for attention. I'm doing this to try to keep my head on straight. If someone ever finds this who's been thru it or is going thru it, at least they will know someone else went thru it too. Not sure that's a comfort. Seeing Minerva grieving her pup isn't helping me with mine. It just adds to the panic reaction. But anyway, like I said, this is helping me get my shit together. Over and over during the day. Because I get a grip and then I lose it. I suspect this will get worse and be practically unlivable by Friday. I gotta try to keep it together. I gotta.
The end is near: Tuesday
Know what? It's fucked up to know when your pet is going to die. Totally fucked up!
I also want to know if I'm a total wuss. I've been crying a lot. I try to tell myself he's just a dog but he's more than that. He's a family member. I feel like such a big baby. One thing about Bruiser is that he brings out a ton of feelings in me!
I've felt like a crybaby:
On several of my sleepless nights, listening to him yodel and cry, I would cry. Because of desperation and self pity. I was so exhausted and frustrated and just completely out of my league with trying to manage him.
I've felt murderous:
On a couple nights where he wanted to go in and out repeatedly during the wee hours and it was raining and I couldn't find my slippers so got to go in and out in the cold and wet in my bare feet (cause I was just too shot to try to fumble around in the dark looking for flips with a yowling dog tucked in my arm) and how he wanted to bark and I didn't want him to wake up the whole house...I had evil thoughts...like how I would like to strangle him right there or taking off and dumping him in a field and be done with the whole awful mess. I'll be honest...I hated him in those moments. With an abiding passion.
I feel sorry for him:
I watch him wander around the house with his head down, not paying much attention to anything and I feel sorry for him because his life isn't as good as it was. I remember when he was so feisty. He was such an annoying pain in the ass with his need for attention! Now when I reach to pet him, he flinches away and speeds up his walk to get away. I know not to take it personally. It's part of the dementia. He rarely seeks out human contact anymore. I miss my feisty Bruiser. I do see feisty Bruiser briefly here and there and it's always a welcome thing.
I feel mean, cruel, evil, awful:
When I have to put meds in his eyes and he cries. I feel mean tho I'm trying to help. It doesn't hurt him. I've had to do it so many times that he doesn't tolerate it well any more. He's tired of it. He doesn't want me messing with his eyes anymore. I'm sorry I have to do it. He'd feel bad if I didn't.
Let's not even mention that I'm going to kill him in a few days. You can call it nicer things but that's what I'm doing. Talk about feeling mean! I feel horrid and evil! Holy crap! It feels like total shit even if it's saving him a miserable winter and more physical/mental decline (which might kill me if I have an accident because I fall asleep driving to work - already finding errors I don't usually make at work - not good). Not to mention that his family needs some sleep at night...
I feel frustrated:
I watch him eat and within a short period, get confused and get mad at me because he's sure it's breakfast or supper time and why won't I feed him? I get frustrated - being barked at isn't nice - I accuse him of people abuse - but I know he can't help it.
I see him show interest in his surroundings sometimes and wish he could become young again and we could start over and have another 15 yrs. Shit.
I feel relief:
He doesn't seem to get stressed about the tree outside anymore. Thunder doesn't terrorize him anymore.
I worry:
I worry when he bolts into things coming out of a sleep. I worry when he tries to jump off the stairs or the bed. He has hurt himself doing that when people didn't know to watch him. He has no sense anymore.
I worry because he has no way of protecting himself from my 3 yr old granddaughter. She accidentally stepped on him a while back. He was napping and couldn't hear that she was near. He limped around for a bit after that.
I'd worry that all this "startling" was taking a toll on his heart. That won't be what does him in at least.
I feel love:
He's my puppy. He has beautiful big brown eyes. They are clouded now with age. I can't talk about this. No crying at work. I just love him. Tons.
I also want to know if I'm a total wuss. I've been crying a lot. I try to tell myself he's just a dog but he's more than that. He's a family member. I feel like such a big baby. One thing about Bruiser is that he brings out a ton of feelings in me!
I've felt like a crybaby:
On several of my sleepless nights, listening to him yodel and cry, I would cry. Because of desperation and self pity. I was so exhausted and frustrated and just completely out of my league with trying to manage him.
I've felt murderous:
On a couple nights where he wanted to go in and out repeatedly during the wee hours and it was raining and I couldn't find my slippers so got to go in and out in the cold and wet in my bare feet (cause I was just too shot to try to fumble around in the dark looking for flips with a yowling dog tucked in my arm) and how he wanted to bark and I didn't want him to wake up the whole house...I had evil thoughts...like how I would like to strangle him right there or taking off and dumping him in a field and be done with the whole awful mess. I'll be honest...I hated him in those moments. With an abiding passion.
I feel sorry for him:
I watch him wander around the house with his head down, not paying much attention to anything and I feel sorry for him because his life isn't as good as it was. I remember when he was so feisty. He was such an annoying pain in the ass with his need for attention! Now when I reach to pet him, he flinches away and speeds up his walk to get away. I know not to take it personally. It's part of the dementia. He rarely seeks out human contact anymore. I miss my feisty Bruiser. I do see feisty Bruiser briefly here and there and it's always a welcome thing.
I feel mean, cruel, evil, awful:
When I have to put meds in his eyes and he cries. I feel mean tho I'm trying to help. It doesn't hurt him. I've had to do it so many times that he doesn't tolerate it well any more. He's tired of it. He doesn't want me messing with his eyes anymore. I'm sorry I have to do it. He'd feel bad if I didn't.
Let's not even mention that I'm going to kill him in a few days. You can call it nicer things but that's what I'm doing. Talk about feeling mean! I feel horrid and evil! Holy crap! It feels like total shit even if it's saving him a miserable winter and more physical/mental decline (which might kill me if I have an accident because I fall asleep driving to work - already finding errors I don't usually make at work - not good). Not to mention that his family needs some sleep at night...
I feel frustrated:
I watch him eat and within a short period, get confused and get mad at me because he's sure it's breakfast or supper time and why won't I feed him? I get frustrated - being barked at isn't nice - I accuse him of people abuse - but I know he can't help it.
I see him show interest in his surroundings sometimes and wish he could become young again and we could start over and have another 15 yrs. Shit.
I feel relief:
He doesn't seem to get stressed about the tree outside anymore. Thunder doesn't terrorize him anymore.
I worry:
I worry when he bolts into things coming out of a sleep. I worry when he tries to jump off the stairs or the bed. He has hurt himself doing that when people didn't know to watch him. He has no sense anymore.
I worry because he has no way of protecting himself from my 3 yr old granddaughter. She accidentally stepped on him a while back. He was napping and couldn't hear that she was near. He limped around for a bit after that.
I'd worry that all this "startling" was taking a toll on his heart. That won't be what does him in at least.
I feel love:
He's my puppy. He has beautiful big brown eyes. They are clouded now with age. I can't talk about this. No crying at work. I just love him. Tons.
Monday, October 21, 2013
The end is near - Monday
I love freakish incidents like that! I'm not crazy enough to expect it to continue but I certainly wouldn't complain if it did.
Got home and found out he didn't have any accidents in the house. Bruiser has had a banner day! I reminded him that he likes to be petted and he made a point of getting some loves here and there before he went back to bed.
Having a good night and day doesn't change the overall issues. He has dementia. He isn't going to improve. So far he's pretty healthy physically. Thing is, winter is coming hard and fast. Had our first little spurt of snow today. It didn't hit 40 that I'm aware of. Bruiser was shivering but determined that he didn't want to wear his sweater. He doesn't handle the cold well anymore. He never did but last spring, it drug on and he really suffered. So what's coming soon will make him suffer.
Today has been a good day with my pup. I'm grateful for it! I'd like a whole week of good days so here's hoping!
Today was rather slow at work so I took some time to ponder death. It's been a process but I'm ready to embrace it and acknowledge that it's part of life. It's hard. I think most of us try to run from death. Well who wants to die? I kept thinking how my aversion to it was bordering on utter stupidity when I'm walking around like a half zombie from lack of sleep for weeks on end. It's that powerful survival instinct. Even when it comes to those we love...it definitely extends beyond ourselves. BUT we all must die. This cannot be avoided. To learn to accept that is a long, painful road sometimes.
When I pick it apart logically I understand that Bruiser will never be young again. He will never howl with his pack because he doesn't hear us. And he just doesn't do that anymore. Bruiser doesn't play anymore. Hasn't since Penelope was quite a bit smaller. He did have fun teasing her with his little narly red tiger toy. He'd put it in front of him, butt up and wait for her to take it. She'd take it and then he'd gently take it back (he has a soft mouth with the little ones) and start the process over again. He's a natural born tease so this game worked really well for him! Those times were the last I recall him showing interest in play. Bruiser doesn't run anymore - except for a few steps after a bath - that invigorates him. He doesn't greet anyone with excitement tho he will sometimes wander out to see what's going on if he figures out someone is here. He doesn't go for walks because it hurts and he limps and walks very, very slowly.
Right now he's physically in decent shape for an almost 15 yr old. He is mostly deaf. He is losing his vision. He has aches and pains but his coat shines and he eats well and he looks pretty handsome for an old pup. It will go downhill from this moment. His mind is not good. I think he knows us but I couldn't swear to it. But I think he does. Lately he's shown more interest in people, meaning he comes out and sits and looks at us briefly sometimes and then goes back to bed. He paces. That's also part of the dementia but it's some sort of exercise so I'll take it! His life is a sliver of what it was. I've done my best to keep him as comfortable and cared for as I can. I think I've been pretty successful! But like I said, things will only get worse.
So right now, Lacey & I are sleep deprived. Lacey is cleaning up messes in the house on a regular basis no matter how often he is let out. He cries a lot. It's getting colder. This is like a high point for him compared to the coming months. I'd rather let him go before he has to suffer thru the cold and before we have to have some more serious problem because of lack of sleep. Today I did some really stupid stuff at an intersection and Lacey & I laughed but honestly it shows how distracted I am at this point. It's not good.
Lacey & I had errands to run so I debated making the call to the vet to set up Bruiser's appt. I decided to just get it done. I called and was pretty cool as I told them that I wanted to schedule a euthanasia appt for Bruiser. They asked me about disposing of his body and some other nice services they offer and I lost it. They were very kind and understanding. I asked them if I could pre-pay for the services and they said that was fine so I will take care of that tomorrow.
I hung up and cried. They have taken good care of him his whole life. For all my bitching about costs they have helped me manage his various issues over the years and put up with his drama queen antics whenever we went in. I have had some laughs over his antics at the vet's office! Friday will be quick so he won't have time to get wound up. For that I'm grateful.
So tonight after I returned from errands I was washing the dishes and crying. I'm crying as I write this. It's therapy. It helps me sort out my thoughts. I can be super logical but that old emotional side won't let me off the hook. So I know it's the right thing to do. Doesn't make it less painful.
I wish I could get into my E drive and post some older pics of my pup but my cable appears to be crapped out. Sadly I don't have a lot of older pics from that drive. I pulled some of these off my facebook. Here are some of my photo memories of life with Bruiser...
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| howling with his Lee Lee |
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| cuddling with his boy |
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| road trip to Stillwater |
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| snuggles with his Lacey Belle |
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| saying hi to his little buddy Einstein |
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| looking gorgeous back in the day |
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| snuggling with his candy cane and tiger toys |
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| taking over my spot when I got up |
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| hanging out with his little buddy Rex |
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| me and Bruiser |
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| sleeping next to Penelope - yes she's sleeping like that |
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| being all sassy-like! |
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| snuggle time with Ken |
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| snuggling with his boy - he's a master snuggler |
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| the kids with Bruiser his 1st Xmas with us |
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| kids with Bruiser his last Xmas with us |
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| on a road trip - he loves a good road trip! |
The end is near - Sunday
It's Sunday AM. I've given up on sleep and want to write what I'm thinking. The decision has been made. I will put Bruiser down this coming Friday. After all these years with my pup I'm going to need some days to myself to grieve after the deed is done, so will do it at the start of the weekend. And I'm making sure to have nothing planned this coming weekend.
Lacey and I have discussed it. I discovered that he's been having accidents in the house almost daily this past week. She's been cleaning up after him. That's a sign the weather is getting too cold for him. She's been home when he's had some of these accidents. He doesn't like being cold so you put him out, he cries to come in fairly quickly and then proceeds to go potty in the house, where it's warm. Not ok. I went thru this last spring when the winter didn't want to end. He just stopped going potty outside for a while. It was very frustrating!
Twice yesterday he woke from a sleep and bolted into the file cabinet. He startles sometimes, even when he's sleeping and when Bruiser startles he runs. He did it once earlier in the day. I was on the computer and heard him bolt and crash. Then Lacey was in the room with me later and he did it again. She hadn't known about his waking up startled from dreams or whatever and running into things like that. He doesn't even cry about that. He just shakes it off and goes back to bed.
Yesterday my Dad and niece were over to visit briefly and he seemed interested. He walked thru the kitchen a couple times and I think he even stopped by Amanda to say hi. It was good to see him showing some interest in things! Made me a little sad too. The days with him aren't as bad. You get the illusion, aside from the accidents and the occasional startled crashing into things, that he's not doing so bad. He is well fed, but not overweight, and looks good for an old man. His coat is shiny. His spine sticks out but that's from loss of muscle mass because he sleeps all the time now. He seems a bit swayback behind his shoulders but it doesn't seem to bother him. So to look at him you'd think I was being cruel to consider what I'm planning. He looks like a healthy animal. But his mind isn't so good now and that's the problem.
This dementia started years ago. I recognized some strange things with his behavior and googled it looking for a solution. He had his days and nights somewhat turned around for a long time, but it wasn't constant then like it is now. Plus his strange little obsessions and stressors. He'd fret and cry over walking by a tree in our yard. He was scared of the stairs. That's when I discovered how many symptoms he had of Canine Cognitive Disfunction or essentially doggy dementia. This is where he's at now. Back then he only had a few. The list has grown. And add that his right front leg sometimes decides not to support him. Appears to be a separate issue...
Lacey and I have discussed it. I discovered that he's been having accidents in the house almost daily this past week. She's been cleaning up after him. That's a sign the weather is getting too cold for him. She's been home when he's had some of these accidents. He doesn't like being cold so you put him out, he cries to come in fairly quickly and then proceeds to go potty in the house, where it's warm. Not ok. I went thru this last spring when the winter didn't want to end. He just stopped going potty outside for a while. It was very frustrating!
Twice yesterday he woke from a sleep and bolted into the file cabinet. He startles sometimes, even when he's sleeping and when Bruiser startles he runs. He did it once earlier in the day. I was on the computer and heard him bolt and crash. Then Lacey was in the room with me later and he did it again. She hadn't known about his waking up startled from dreams or whatever and running into things like that. He doesn't even cry about that. He just shakes it off and goes back to bed.
Yesterday my Dad and niece were over to visit briefly and he seemed interested. He walked thru the kitchen a couple times and I think he even stopped by Amanda to say hi. It was good to see him showing some interest in things! Made me a little sad too. The days with him aren't as bad. You get the illusion, aside from the accidents and the occasional startled crashing into things, that he's not doing so bad. He is well fed, but not overweight, and looks good for an old man. His coat is shiny. His spine sticks out but that's from loss of muscle mass because he sleeps all the time now. He seems a bit swayback behind his shoulders but it doesn't seem to bother him. So to look at him you'd think I was being cruel to consider what I'm planning. He looks like a healthy animal. But his mind isn't so good now and that's the problem.
This dementia started years ago. I recognized some strange things with his behavior and googled it looking for a solution. He had his days and nights somewhat turned around for a long time, but it wasn't constant then like it is now. Plus his strange little obsessions and stressors. He'd fret and cry over walking by a tree in our yard. He was scared of the stairs. That's when I discovered how many symptoms he had of Canine Cognitive Disfunction or essentially doggy dementia. This is where he's at now. Back then he only had a few. The list has grown. And add that his right front leg sometimes decides not to support him. Appears to be a separate issue...
- Becomes lost in familiar places around the home or backyard YES (luckily this doesn't happen often but I've seen him become confused in places that should be rote by this stage, like almost walking off the top of the stairs)
- Becomes trapped behind familiar furniture or in room corners NO (haven't seen this happen)
- Has trouble finding and using doors and negotiating stairways YES
- Does not respond to her name or familiar commands YES (deafness)
- Is withdrawn and unwilling to play, go for walks, or even go outside YES (he doesn't play)
- Does not recognize or is startled by family members, toys, etc. YES (he startles often but I think he knows us...I think)
- Frequently trembles or shakes, either while standing or lying down YES
- Paces or wanders aimlessly throughout the house YES
- Has difficulty learning new tasks, commands, or routes YES
- Frequently soils in the house, regardless of the frequency she is brought outside YES
- Sleeps more during the day, less during the night YES
- Stares at walls or into space and is startled by interior lighting, the television, etc. YES
- Seeks less and less of your attention, praise, and play YES
- Is hesitant to take treats, drink fresh water, or eat fresh food NO (he does like to eat!)
It helped to understand what was going on. I was more patient with him because of it.
At this point it has escalated so that he cries off and on EVERY night. He sleeps pretty peacefully all day but at night, he cries and sleeps and cries and sleeps. I've finally come to accept that there is nothing I can do to ease this. I've tried putting him to bed with me. He cries and fusses and then tries to jump out of the bed (which would hurt him). I cover him up. He gets out of the covers. Don't know if that's because he's restless or too hot. I tried feeding him more. I turned the heat up. I let him in and out during the wee hours. I pet him to co comfort him. I try not to disturb him. I got him a nightlight because he might be afraid of the dark. Seemed to work for a couple nights but then no apparent effect.
Now I just get thru the night and try to keep him as comfortable as possible. It was hard to face another week of this. I'm fairly exhausted! Last Friday I felt like a zombie. Work nights are the worst because I need to be at work early to cover phones but on weekends I can sleep in a bit to help take the edge off. Fridays are my bad days. Cumulative sleep deprivation piles up on me on Fridays.
But I see an end in sight so I will be as patient as I can and get thru this week. It's like having a baby in the house. Only this baby won't ever learn to sleep thru the night again. I needed the timing to be right. This is as right as I can make it.
It still hits me sideways sometimes. I know that next weekend will be rough. But I also feel like I'm making the right decision. He is a little old man. He won't get younger. The problems we have now will only escalate as it grows colder outside and he gets older. His dementia has devolved to a point where it's taking a toll on me and my ability to function during the day. He has become increasingly isolated because of the dementia, the deafness and now his vision is beginning to fail. He has age related eye degeneration. He lives in a world where he shuffles thru from meal to meal, he sniffs things, he sees people around him that he may or may not recognize, but doesn't think to seek us out and we startle him when we touch him to pet him. At least we understand and hold him long enough so that he remembers that he likes being petted. He does like being petted when you can remind him.
He has had a great life! He was been well loved by many. He has been an entertaining little character that broke the mold for me. I had dogs my whole life but never one like him. There will never be another like him. I may never have another dog after him. Seems kind of pointless when you've had the best!
Tonight will be the family Sunday dinner over at Lee's house. I'm looking forward to enjoying a meal with my kids! But I will also poop on the celebration by telling them what's going to happen on Friday. I was debating about saying anything until after the deed was done but Lacey said it would hurt their feelings because he's their dog too and she's right. (She'd say "of course I am!") I will let them decide if they want to join me to send him off. I will call the vet to set it up this week and ask if I can pre-pay for the service since I don't want to stand there paying the bill after when I'll be a mess. I want to go in and get out and go back home to curl up in a ball. I don't want people staring at me.
We went thru this with Snickers when I had to put him down. I had kids crying and hanging on me while I paid the bill. I was crying too. And the folks waiting to go next were all staring at us. I just don't want to do that again, tho I don't think my kids will hang on me crying this time (there's a bit of humor if you visualize that!)
Since I'm familiar with how this goes, tho luckily it's been years, I've warned Lacey how she will feel haunted. I will feel haunted. Like with Snickers, I kept expecting him to rub up against my leg. And he wasn't there. How this will play out with Bruiser I don't know but it will take us a while. Lacey was trying to imagine this house without him since he's been here almost since the beginning. It'll be strange!
Sometime after I tell my kids I'll post this so those others who know him will know.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Update on the little old man and this one isn't sad! (promise!)
My last blog was an emotional one. Sorry about that but it's always hard to lose a family member, including the furry ones. Bruiser is still with us and is feeling better after his recent vet trip. I could swear he read my blog and is making an effort to act more interested in what his people do! And to be peskier.
Our trip to the vet was more typical that I'd hoped it would be. I figured since he's been feeling so punky he wouldn't be such a pain about seeing the vet. I was totally incorrect with that assumption! I carried his sad little self in and sat him on my lap. He cried quietly. I cuddled him. He wriggled to get down so I put him down. He went to the door because he wanted to leave. That was a familiar move.
Then we get into the exam room (had to carry him in because he dug in and short of dragging/strangling him that was the only way) and the vet checks his eyes. She puts little papers under his lower lid to check if his eyes are tearing. He cries and struggles. We ignore him. His eyes are tearing just fine so what's going on in his eye is an infection rather than lack of tears. She puts some green drops in to stain his cornea to make sure he doesn't have any damage. Then she drops some water in to clear the green stain (it wasn't any more painful than when the docs put that yellow stuff in our eyes). Bruiser is now carrying on like he's being tortured. It's getting hard to talk to the vet and hear what she's saying. She calls in help because she thinks he's feeding off my energy (which is amused and a bit embarrassed - I watch Dog Whisperer!) and the vet asst. snuggles him close. He continues to bray. I feel a bit of satisfaction that it didn't work. It's not me! Luckily no damage to his cornea so I take him back out to wait for his prescriptions and find some wide eyed people sitting in the waiting room with their upset pups. I smirk a bit and explain "eye drops". Bruiser is a major drama queen. MAJOR. This has not changed at all.
So his bad eye cleared up real quick and he got back to being his rather pesty self. Barking at me while I soak in the tub. Barking at nothing for no apparent reason. Trying to sneak into Penelope's room when Lacey's trying to get her to sleep. Eating everything in sight and yet his bony spine sticks out...go figure. And last night, the Pièce de résistance, crying most of the night so that I don't get any sleep. I even took him to bed with me in desperation (and realized he REALLY NEEDS A BATH!! Pew!) He futzed around even with that option so had to put him back down when he tried to jump off the bed around 3 AM. He has all day to rest up so he can potentially do it to me again. Yay. (Please kill me now) Last night I realized there are some plus sides to being pet less. I have a right to be grumbly! I get crabby when I don't get any sleep. Bruiser, if you're reading this, pay heed!
He has a "stay" for now for several reasons. #1 I'm not ready yet. #2 I'm too poor to pay to have anything done and #3 I've managed to get myself back into a state of semi-denial of facts of life and I like it that way. Real life sucks sometimes so I like to avoid it when possible. Sandpaper eyes suck also. Just saying...
So today I'm having yet another slow day at work...just sitting here nursing my sandpaper eyeballs and feeling generally crabby about most everything.
Our trip to the vet was more typical that I'd hoped it would be. I figured since he's been feeling so punky he wouldn't be such a pain about seeing the vet. I was totally incorrect with that assumption! I carried his sad little self in and sat him on my lap. He cried quietly. I cuddled him. He wriggled to get down so I put him down. He went to the door because he wanted to leave. That was a familiar move.
Then we get into the exam room (had to carry him in because he dug in and short of dragging/strangling him that was the only way) and the vet checks his eyes. She puts little papers under his lower lid to check if his eyes are tearing. He cries and struggles. We ignore him. His eyes are tearing just fine so what's going on in his eye is an infection rather than lack of tears. She puts some green drops in to stain his cornea to make sure he doesn't have any damage. Then she drops some water in to clear the green stain (it wasn't any more painful than when the docs put that yellow stuff in our eyes). Bruiser is now carrying on like he's being tortured. It's getting hard to talk to the vet and hear what she's saying. She calls in help because she thinks he's feeding off my energy (which is amused and a bit embarrassed - I watch Dog Whisperer!) and the vet asst. snuggles him close. He continues to bray. I feel a bit of satisfaction that it didn't work. It's not me! Luckily no damage to his cornea so I take him back out to wait for his prescriptions and find some wide eyed people sitting in the waiting room with their upset pups. I smirk a bit and explain "eye drops". Bruiser is a major drama queen. MAJOR. This has not changed at all.
So his bad eye cleared up real quick and he got back to being his rather pesty self. Barking at me while I soak in the tub. Barking at nothing for no apparent reason. Trying to sneak into Penelope's room when Lacey's trying to get her to sleep. Eating everything in sight and yet his bony spine sticks out...go figure. And last night, the Pièce de résistance, crying most of the night so that I don't get any sleep. I even took him to bed with me in desperation (and realized he REALLY NEEDS A BATH!! Pew!) He futzed around even with that option so had to put him back down when he tried to jump off the bed around 3 AM. He has all day to rest up so he can potentially do it to me again. Yay. (Please kill me now) Last night I realized there are some plus sides to being pet less. I have a right to be grumbly! I get crabby when I don't get any sleep. Bruiser, if you're reading this, pay heed!
He has a "stay" for now for several reasons. #1 I'm not ready yet. #2 I'm too poor to pay to have anything done and #3 I've managed to get myself back into a state of semi-denial of facts of life and I like it that way. Real life sucks sometimes so I like to avoid it when possible. Sandpaper eyes suck also. Just saying...
So today I'm having yet another slow day at work...just sitting here nursing my sandpaper eyeballs and feeling generally crabby about most everything.
Friday, September 27, 2013
My little old man
I have a little dog named Bruiser. He's mostly shi-tzu but there's a little maltese mixed in. I wrote a blog entry about my discount puppy back in June of 2012. That's him!
He's now pushing 15. Hard.
Currently we are fighting some dry eye issues with him. Since August his system isn't taking over from the medicine very well, like it used to. He used to need occasional help. Now heaven help you if you miss a dose because his eyes will be mattered up, swollen and red! He's had so much eye medicine lately that he cries now when I treat him. He used to sort of look forward to it because he'd get a treat after. He doesn't care about that anymore. He just doesn't want me digging in his poor sore eyes.
He gets cold even when it's 70 in the house. It's hard for me to get a good night's sleep anymore because he gets up, turns around and ends up out of his covers (yes I tuck him in at night now days) and I have to go cover him up again so he's warm enough. On cool days he wears his sweater all day to help him feel more comfortable.
He doesn't get excited about much anymore. He used to run and bounce. Now he walks slowly. He's pretty quiet except when he wants in. We carry him up and down the stairs to go potty because he can't handle them anymore. He sleeps 95% of the time. He gets up to eat, go potty and occasionally change where he's sleeping. He likes a little sleep variety I guess!
Yesterday morning when I got out of the bathroom I discovered that he'd apparently fallen while having his breakfast and had spilled his food and water all over. I got it cleaned up and set it up so he could have another go at it if he wanted. In recent months his right front leg has decided to not support him at random times. It doesn't appear to hurt him or be sore but it just won't support him. He tries to walk and falls. Then he gets scared and won't do anything for a while. Luckily it passes.
Yesterday evening, when I got home from work I was discussing my worries about him with my daughter Lacey. I feel bad because it seems like life has become a struggle for him and I don't sense that he's really enjoying much of it anymore. He's sore. He cries or groans when we pick him up to take him to go potty. He is deaf and startles all the time when we reach to pet him. He's more inclined to run away than to seek human contact.
Last night I tried to pick him up and cuddle him. He looked at me and cried a little while I petted him. I finally put him down and he wandered off to sleep.
I'm running out of eye medicine fast so called the vet to get more. They said he had to come in for an appointment before they'd refill his prescription so I set an appointment for this PM. The scheduler asked me if this would be for his annual immunizations. I sat a moment and said no. I said I would probably be putting him down before the snow flew because I didn't want to put him through another winter. Then I hung up and cried for a while on my front step while he wandered around sniffing things.
Last winter was very hard on him. He isn't tolerating the cold. He's worse now than he was as the start of last winter. I've been dreading it and feeling so sorry for him. Last night I finally got the message that the time has come. I finally saw his life, as it is now and as it will be this winter and realized I can save him from some suffering by making the call sooner rather than later. It's not like he's going to get over this. He's simply getting old. You don't get over that.
I guess I've been waiting for him to do something dramatic, like lay down and refuse to get up or get super sick or get a tumor or something, so I'd know it was time. Suddenly I realized I knew it is time. I hate it. But I know it. My Mom was right. She said I'd know when it was time. Didn't come about like I expected but it's happened.
When we had to put our kitty Snickers to sleep years ago it was a surprise...I figured I'd be paying huge vet bills to make him better but the vet called and said his systems were shutting down and it was time to let him go. We were devastated. He was a young cat so it was very unexpected and painful. And there was no choice. This time has been harder. It's been on me to try to figure out when he needs to go. And I've been waiting for him to give me a neon sign. I didn't get a neon sign but I finally get it. This isn't about me. It's about him and his quality of life. I don't get an easy out like a neon sign. I have to make the call and at this point it's cruel to wait for him to give me some dramatic neon sign. He's telling me every day.
I'm going to get his medicine tonight and talk to the vet about things. We'll do a cursory check and I'm hoping they can do something for his sore eyes because the medicine isn't doing the greatest job anymore.
I will keep him a bit longer for my own sake. This is really hard!!
So many things have been gradual and we've just adjusted and cared for him. But last night, when I looked at him and thought about how he's living his life it makes me sad. He seems to be interested in less and less as the days pass. At his age, it's not going to get better. So it's time. Well almost. Soon.
I won't be letting him go tonight. I need to talk to the rest of my kids and my family to let them know and have a chance to adjust to what's coming and say their good-byes. That's partly why I wrote this because it's easier than explaining it over and over. I have some time before it gets so cold that it'll be hard for him. I can put up with some disturbed nights recovering him for a while longer. I raised 3 kids and survived that! We have some time.
This morning I flushed his eye out...one is ok and the other is angry. I took him out and fed him and then medicated both eyes. He tried to get away. He cried. I made it quick and then he sat near me, looked at me and whimpered for a little bit. I told him I was sorry. I really am.
He's now pushing 15. Hard.
Currently we are fighting some dry eye issues with him. Since August his system isn't taking over from the medicine very well, like it used to. He used to need occasional help. Now heaven help you if you miss a dose because his eyes will be mattered up, swollen and red! He's had so much eye medicine lately that he cries now when I treat him. He used to sort of look forward to it because he'd get a treat after. He doesn't care about that anymore. He just doesn't want me digging in his poor sore eyes.
He gets cold even when it's 70 in the house. It's hard for me to get a good night's sleep anymore because he gets up, turns around and ends up out of his covers (yes I tuck him in at night now days) and I have to go cover him up again so he's warm enough. On cool days he wears his sweater all day to help him feel more comfortable.
He doesn't get excited about much anymore. He used to run and bounce. Now he walks slowly. He's pretty quiet except when he wants in. We carry him up and down the stairs to go potty because he can't handle them anymore. He sleeps 95% of the time. He gets up to eat, go potty and occasionally change where he's sleeping. He likes a little sleep variety I guess!
Yesterday morning when I got out of the bathroom I discovered that he'd apparently fallen while having his breakfast and had spilled his food and water all over. I got it cleaned up and set it up so he could have another go at it if he wanted. In recent months his right front leg has decided to not support him at random times. It doesn't appear to hurt him or be sore but it just won't support him. He tries to walk and falls. Then he gets scared and won't do anything for a while. Luckily it passes.
Yesterday evening, when I got home from work I was discussing my worries about him with my daughter Lacey. I feel bad because it seems like life has become a struggle for him and I don't sense that he's really enjoying much of it anymore. He's sore. He cries or groans when we pick him up to take him to go potty. He is deaf and startles all the time when we reach to pet him. He's more inclined to run away than to seek human contact.
Last night I tried to pick him up and cuddle him. He looked at me and cried a little while I petted him. I finally put him down and he wandered off to sleep.
I'm running out of eye medicine fast so called the vet to get more. They said he had to come in for an appointment before they'd refill his prescription so I set an appointment for this PM. The scheduler asked me if this would be for his annual immunizations. I sat a moment and said no. I said I would probably be putting him down before the snow flew because I didn't want to put him through another winter. Then I hung up and cried for a while on my front step while he wandered around sniffing things.
Last winter was very hard on him. He isn't tolerating the cold. He's worse now than he was as the start of last winter. I've been dreading it and feeling so sorry for him. Last night I finally got the message that the time has come. I finally saw his life, as it is now and as it will be this winter and realized I can save him from some suffering by making the call sooner rather than later. It's not like he's going to get over this. He's simply getting old. You don't get over that.
I guess I've been waiting for him to do something dramatic, like lay down and refuse to get up or get super sick or get a tumor or something, so I'd know it was time. Suddenly I realized I knew it is time. I hate it. But I know it. My Mom was right. She said I'd know when it was time. Didn't come about like I expected but it's happened.
When we had to put our kitty Snickers to sleep years ago it was a surprise...I figured I'd be paying huge vet bills to make him better but the vet called and said his systems were shutting down and it was time to let him go. We were devastated. He was a young cat so it was very unexpected and painful. And there was no choice. This time has been harder. It's been on me to try to figure out when he needs to go. And I've been waiting for him to give me a neon sign. I didn't get a neon sign but I finally get it. This isn't about me. It's about him and his quality of life. I don't get an easy out like a neon sign. I have to make the call and at this point it's cruel to wait for him to give me some dramatic neon sign. He's telling me every day.
I'm going to get his medicine tonight and talk to the vet about things. We'll do a cursory check and I'm hoping they can do something for his sore eyes because the medicine isn't doing the greatest job anymore.
I will keep him a bit longer for my own sake. This is really hard!!
So many things have been gradual and we've just adjusted and cared for him. But last night, when I looked at him and thought about how he's living his life it makes me sad. He seems to be interested in less and less as the days pass. At his age, it's not going to get better. So it's time. Well almost. Soon.
I won't be letting him go tonight. I need to talk to the rest of my kids and my family to let them know and have a chance to adjust to what's coming and say their good-byes. That's partly why I wrote this because it's easier than explaining it over and over. I have some time before it gets so cold that it'll be hard for him. I can put up with some disturbed nights recovering him for a while longer. I raised 3 kids and survived that! We have some time.
This morning I flushed his eye out...one is ok and the other is angry. I took him out and fed him and then medicated both eyes. He tried to get away. He cried. I made it quick and then he sat near me, looked at me and whimpered for a little bit. I told him I was sorry. I really am.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Dead in the water, WoW, old knees and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup S'mores
OK! Do over! I just deleted what I started with because it was too depressing!
It was about my diet that I've started again but am not doing well with this week. BLAH!
.gif)
My accounting software is inaccessible right now so I'm dead in the water at work. Huh. Yesterday was miserably slow here so I decided to leave early since I was going to be so busy today. I'm not busy yet. Is it Monday?
TO THOSE WHO DON'T GAME, YOU CAN IGNORE THIS SECTION BECAUSE IT REALLY WON'T MAKE SENSE TO YOU.
World of Warcraft came out with a new patch this week that has me re-addicted to the game. I haven't even been leveling my little shadow priest! Been too busy doing pet battling.
The reason I started pet battling is because I apparently am even crowd phobic in virtual reality. They opened up a new area called Timeless Isle. Everyone and their Onyxian Whelplings seem to have arrived at the isle simultaneously!
If you want to find a quest giver, just look for a pile of toons mobbing in one area instead of running and leaping around like fools in a more random pattern. Somewhere in the toon pile you'll find your quest giver. Have fun clicking on him/her to get your quest!
I explored the isle, picked up some sweet epics (some of which I need to mail to my other toons as my druid can't use them) and fulfilled several quests. Then, as the mobs were getting on my last nerve, I decided I needed to figure out this pet battling thing. It's perversely addicting. I use my battle pets to fight wild pets and then trap them and use them to fight more, etc. And there is a quest series associated with it. Best part? No mobs for me to deal with!
I should probably go back to the isle while everyone is running amok since the drops are higher at the moment and I have a chance at getting some good gear and loot. Already ramped up 5 equipment levels the first night I was there!
My druid is raid ready! Now I just need to study some raids so I don't totally blow it for the group by acting like a complete noob. I'm sure there will be plenty of others to blow it who won't study the raids but are now geared to that level.
I haven't raided since I started playing after over a more than 2 year hiatus from the game. I used to raid a lot and have fond memories of it. My brother, sister and I ran Karazhan not too long ago and we were 1-2 shotting bosses that used to take a huge amount of coordination, patience and skill to bring down. It was bittersweet. I remember all the strategy and the hours we spent working through those bosses! I also remember goofing off with my friends, whispering to each other about nonsense that had nothing to do with the game, dancing, leaping, jumping and generally goofing off and then, I'd realize I had no idea what the raid leader had been talking about for strategy and had to hope I wouldn't nerf it for everyone. Being a mediocre boomkin I wasn't exactly a power player so most of the time my role wasn't too tricky. DPS and off-heals and an occasional off-tank job. By the way, the new patch gave my armor a bump in boomkin form again - WOO HOO!!! For a while it seemed pointless for me to be in that form except for the crit bump I gave my teammates. I'm looking forward to learning some new fights in the new expansions!
THE WORLD OF WARCRAFT SECTION OF THIS BLOG ENTRY IS NOW COMPLETE (MOSTLY)
Still waiting for my accounting software to come on line. (eye roll) I'm here to keep my chair warm. I move occasionally so the lights stay on in here. Sigh. I should quit bitching. I have a job at least. I earn enough to pay the bills. Life could be worse! But when you look at your life and each minute that you can't get back and how you spend those minutes, sometimes...
I bitch about pointless hours at work, not working much when how much of my life do I waste playing WoW? But then again, I like WoW! It's fun! Work...not so much. (Note to self - take a bike ride tonight or something)
I have moments where I feel good about work. Like earlier this week when I finally sat back after a race to catch up after vacation (not totally caught up yet but getting there) and was feeling like I totally rocked because I am stinking FANTASTIC at this job!! For real! I was enjoying a moment of serenity. Savoring it really. I had plans for the next day (yesterday) to be all productive but they basically fell through. I was going to work in archiving. Got started but when I hauled the first load of files to the shredding box I discovered it was packed full to the gills. So I ended up tidying up the work area where I'd previously thrown contract binders all over the floor, because I wasn't going to be able to finish the job that day. So I went back to my office to wait for time to be posted so I could get rolling with billing. While I waited I chased some past due receivables. Did some filing. Twiddled my thumbs. Pondered my existence. Finally gave up and went home thinking today would be busy. And I can't work yet today. Sigh.
This AM it was really, really hard to get out of bed! Last night I was feeling old. Earlier this week I did lunges while watching TV. Figured it'd be good exercise. It probably was but with my crappy knees I'm still paying for it. The reason I bring this up is that my knees now ache bad enough when I'm sleeping to wake me up. Repeatedly. The right knee in particular. It's getting old. I'm getting old! For crying out loud I only did a few lunges! Should I have to go through days of pain over this? (sound of tiny violin playing)
Just got another email that Vision is down. I knew that 2.5 hours of non-productive time at work ago. I'm so ahead of the game!
I shouldn't have eaten breakfast early. It's only 10 AM and I want lunch now. Should I keep writing until Vision is available? What if it takes all day? I would be writing a book almost! I'd have to start thinking of plot lines and character development!
We're going camping this weekend. By going camping I mean driving a few miles to a campground and setting up tents to sleep in. No big trips or touristy things. This is meant to give Penelope (my 3 year old granddaughter) a life experience. It could be a rather interesting life experience since it's possibly going to rain that night and I'm bringing my crabby, somewhat senile, deaf old pup, Bruiser along since we can't leave him at home alone for that long. It will be an adventure! I need to get my camping stuff organized. I should start on that tonight. See what tents I want to bring. Get equipment from storage. It'll get cool (into the 50's) at night so will need to make sure everyone, including Bruiser, is warm enough. And then there is the menu! I heard of making smores with Reese's Peanut Butter cups instead of Hershey's chocolate and have to try it! Maybe it won't be as good but you never know until you try! (Diet huh? Yeah right.) I'm looking forward to it! As long as I go into the adventure not expecting much in the way of sleep and with a plan to nap when we get home on Sunday, it should be just fine!
It was about my diet that I've started again but am not doing well with this week. BLAH!
My accounting software is inaccessible right now so I'm dead in the water at work. Huh. Yesterday was miserably slow here so I decided to leave early since I was going to be so busy today. I'm not busy yet. Is it Monday?
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| It's my blog so I can do what I want. |
TO THOSE WHO DON'T GAME, YOU CAN IGNORE THIS SECTION BECAUSE IT REALLY WON'T MAKE SENSE TO YOU.
World of Warcraft came out with a new patch this week that has me re-addicted to the game. I haven't even been leveling my little shadow priest! Been too busy doing pet battling.
The reason I started pet battling is because I apparently am even crowd phobic in virtual reality. They opened up a new area called Timeless Isle. Everyone and their Onyxian Whelplings seem to have arrived at the isle simultaneously!
If you want to find a quest giver, just look for a pile of toons mobbing in one area instead of running and leaping around like fools in a more random pattern. Somewhere in the toon pile you'll find your quest giver. Have fun clicking on him/her to get your quest!
I explored the isle, picked up some sweet epics (some of which I need to mail to my other toons as my druid can't use them) and fulfilled several quests. Then, as the mobs were getting on my last nerve, I decided I needed to figure out this pet battling thing. It's perversely addicting. I use my battle pets to fight wild pets and then trap them and use them to fight more, etc. And there is a quest series associated with it. Best part? No mobs for me to deal with!
I should probably go back to the isle while everyone is running amok since the drops are higher at the moment and I have a chance at getting some good gear and loot. Already ramped up 5 equipment levels the first night I was there!
My druid is raid ready! Now I just need to study some raids so I don't totally blow it for the group by acting like a complete noob. I'm sure there will be plenty of others to blow it who won't study the raids but are now geared to that level.
I haven't raided since I started playing after over a more than 2 year hiatus from the game. I used to raid a lot and have fond memories of it. My brother, sister and I ran Karazhan not too long ago and we were 1-2 shotting bosses that used to take a huge amount of coordination, patience and skill to bring down. It was bittersweet. I remember all the strategy and the hours we spent working through those bosses! I also remember goofing off with my friends, whispering to each other about nonsense that had nothing to do with the game, dancing, leaping, jumping and generally goofing off and then, I'd realize I had no idea what the raid leader had been talking about for strategy and had to hope I wouldn't nerf it for everyone. Being a mediocre boomkin I wasn't exactly a power player so most of the time my role wasn't too tricky. DPS and off-heals and an occasional off-tank job. By the way, the new patch gave my armor a bump in boomkin form again - WOO HOO!!! For a while it seemed pointless for me to be in that form except for the crit bump I gave my teammates. I'm looking forward to learning some new fights in the new expansions!
 |
| this is my druid in moonkin aka boomkin aka critchicken form - adorable huh? |
Still waiting for my accounting software to come on line. (eye roll) I'm here to keep my chair warm. I move occasionally so the lights stay on in here. Sigh. I should quit bitching. I have a job at least. I earn enough to pay the bills. Life could be worse! But when you look at your life and each minute that you can't get back and how you spend those minutes, sometimes...
I bitch about pointless hours at work, not working much when how much of my life do I waste playing WoW? But then again, I like WoW! It's fun! Work...not so much. (Note to self - take a bike ride tonight or something)
I have moments where I feel good about work. Like earlier this week when I finally sat back after a race to catch up after vacation (not totally caught up yet but getting there) and was feeling like I totally rocked because I am stinking FANTASTIC at this job!! For real! I was enjoying a moment of serenity. Savoring it really. I had plans for the next day (yesterday) to be all productive but they basically fell through. I was going to work in archiving. Got started but when I hauled the first load of files to the shredding box I discovered it was packed full to the gills. So I ended up tidying up the work area where I'd previously thrown contract binders all over the floor, because I wasn't going to be able to finish the job that day. So I went back to my office to wait for time to be posted so I could get rolling with billing. While I waited I chased some past due receivables. Did some filing. Twiddled my thumbs. Pondered my existence. Finally gave up and went home thinking today would be busy. And I can't work yet today. Sigh.
This AM it was really, really hard to get out of bed! Last night I was feeling old. Earlier this week I did lunges while watching TV. Figured it'd be good exercise. It probably was but with my crappy knees I'm still paying for it. The reason I bring this up is that my knees now ache bad enough when I'm sleeping to wake me up. Repeatedly. The right knee in particular. It's getting old. I'm getting old! For crying out loud I only did a few lunges! Should I have to go through days of pain over this? (sound of tiny violin playing)
Just got another email that Vision is down. I knew that 2.5 hours of non-productive time at work ago. I'm so ahead of the game!
I shouldn't have eaten breakfast early. It's only 10 AM and I want lunch now. Should I keep writing until Vision is available? What if it takes all day? I would be writing a book almost! I'd have to start thinking of plot lines and character development!
We're going camping this weekend. By going camping I mean driving a few miles to a campground and setting up tents to sleep in. No big trips or touristy things. This is meant to give Penelope (my 3 year old granddaughter) a life experience. It could be a rather interesting life experience since it's possibly going to rain that night and I'm bringing my crabby, somewhat senile, deaf old pup, Bruiser along since we can't leave him at home alone for that long. It will be an adventure! I need to get my camping stuff organized. I should start on that tonight. See what tents I want to bring. Get equipment from storage. It'll get cool (into the 50's) at night so will need to make sure everyone, including Bruiser, is warm enough. And then there is the menu! I heard of making smores with Reese's Peanut Butter cups instead of Hershey's chocolate and have to try it! Maybe it won't be as good but you never know until you try! (Diet huh? Yeah right.) I'm looking forward to it! As long as I go into the adventure not expecting much in the way of sleep and with a plan to nap when we get home on Sunday, it should be just fine!
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| slobber, drool |
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| sugar rush face |
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| gratuitous Bill Murray pic |
Monday, September 2, 2013
Our trip to Nine Mile Canyon
So we took some photos of it. And then Ken showed me a picture of a little petroglyph he spotted while shooting the rock and we were on our way!
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| Can you see the little dude? He's pretty square. |
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| Here's a zoomed in shot (they aren't super easy to see as you drive by...sometimes) |
So we got out of the car, all excited, and went down the little ditch and up the other side and began a short ascent to see this little dude and off to our right, there was a mother lode, tucked back where it couldn't be seen from the road!
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| Here's Ken, who gets credit for the first find of the trip! |
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| I was so excited to make contact with history! Still makes me smile to think that in a way I made a connection with a Fremont person who also touched this stone and, unlike me, left a more permanent mark of the event. |
We noticed a number of things while we were searching for art. They usually liked broad, smooth panels with contrasting surfaces. Not always tho. Always exceptions to the rule. You'd climb up to some panels and then find a little deer or something carved into some rough rock, a narrow edge, at an angle.
Ken said there was oil shale all over the place (which explains the mining that was going on carefully in certain areas of the region). Sometimes when you'd look up you'd see a glob of black stuff that appeared to be oozing out from between rocks. It wasn't moving or anything so anything it was doing was a slow process. Some rock had black stuff creeping down across the surface. Later on, some of the rocks looked almost burned. I think the black tarry material might have finally fused to the lighter stone underneath. Here is a good example of that...
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| These images were chiseled in, maybe a 1/4"...someone worked very hard to chip them into the rock |
It rained off and on while we were there and I have to say that it is one of the best smelling places on earth that I've been so far. Especially after a fresh rain! There are wild sage and pine all over the place. The air is a fresh, sweet, spicy combination of those scents with mustard and little flowers mixed in here and there. I enjoyed just breathing there! I wish they could bottle that scent so I could take it home with me! One of the other places that has a remarkable scent, in my opinion, is a redwood forest. You can tell when a redwood is near. But that's another story. Anyway, if you ever go there you'll know what I mean about how great it smells.
Snakes and spirals featured very often in the Fremont (or Ute?) art. The art below shows a spiral turning into a snake. We figured there could be a few reasons for this. When taken in context by looking at the area around you, you see that the water source, stream, curls and wends around like a snake. Maybe the river seemed snakelike to them? Plus there are many snake types in the area, including a rattler which likes to coil up and sun. It seemed important to them. Many pieces seemed to have snakes in them and often spanning large portions of the carvings.
We learned that the Fremont left the area around 1200 AD. Not sure when the Ute came in but horses were introduced in the late 1600's. So all the horse carvings came from the Ute.
We found hundreds of carvings once we got an eye for it! When we were finally tired and heading home, I'd look out the window and see one here and there...just like they were saying bye! On the way home we passed under a bridge with some rusted areas on it. I caught myself squinting at it, half expecting to find a little carved figure looking back at me. I admitted as much to Ken and he laughed because he noticed he'd done the same thing!
Some things I learned about Ken. Some I knew but were reinforced. First of all, and this was a bit humbling, in spite of Ken having really bad knees he usually would beat me during the climbs and be sitting at the top, watching and waiting for me to arrive.
One climb I was determined to beat him to the top so found a different route that required a little more climbing and beat him! I was gasping and panting but dammit I beat him! And then on the way down, I followed the same route and managed to have a short fall and scraped up my elbow and legs. Stung for a little bit! After that I stopped being competitive with him. I learned.
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| my elbow...yup I bled for those petroglyphs |
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| here are some of the carvings we saw...there were many more along a whole wall of panels |
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| here is a view of the car from the top of that particular climb - there were a few like this before we were finished |
Ken is in the next room right now watching sports. I want to get this down while it's fresh in my head. In the span of 2 days we experienced a lot. We came across a doe grazing near the road and stopped to take a photo. She saw us watching her and then surprised us by coming a bit closer for a look at us! She was pretty beautiful! The carvings show a lot of deer, bison, elk, etc. but they weren't apparent to us while we were traveling thru. We did see a lot of cattle but not a lot else. Well, we did see some speedy little lizards zooming around on the rocks.
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| she came in for a closer look |
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| little brown lizard climbing vertical |
We climbed to an ancient Fremont village site. Wasn't much village to see. Some rocks in circles. Considering how old the site is it was still pretty remarkable. According to the literature we had on them, they would dig partially into the soil and use lumber for roofing. The village was strategically placed on an outlook with the river running below and mountain to the back. They had a fantastic view of the valley around them.
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| a rock wall along one side of the structure |
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| Rocks in a circle - middle would have been dug out, with stone benches along outer walls and topped with lumber roof. Looking out over the valley, the green in the background. |
Visiting this place was a moving experience for me. I LOVE looking for the ghosts of the past! In this place I got to touch some of them and felt a connection to that long ago time. Ken loves this too. He thought he would have enjoyed being an archaeologist. I can see him loving that! The office space is gorgeous! I was calling him my "pocket geologist". When he didn't know something he just made up some outrageous crap and made me laugh.
We spent hours "off the grid" as there was no phone signals in there. Since Ken works all the time it was nice to have him all to myself!
We work well as a team. We watch out for each other and have flexible attitudes when things don't go our way. Like when we couldn't find the granaries or some of the artwork touted in the info we had on the area. We only got a little grumpy for a little while. Then we'd find something else to get excited about. I trust him to save me if I got hurt. I told him we should bring a dolly in with us next time so I can save him if he gets hurt!
For my earlier comments/complaints, I'll admit we take turns being stubborn and the other is a good sport about going along with it until we hit mutual agreement that enough is enough. Like our futile trek into Daddy canyon that still served up some beautiful scenery when we weren't feeling oppressed by the heat and lack of breezes and artwork. (We picked a bad route I guess) We got as far in as we did because we kept taking turns saying, let's just go around that curve and see what's up there, then we'll head back. And then grumbling because we hadn't brought water in. We'd been hiking about 10 minutes already for cripes sake!
We came out of the canyon tired, a bit scraped/scuffed, dirty/gritty, sunburned, thirsty and I had caveman hair from driving with the windows open and no ponytail. Oh well! It now rates as yet another of my favorite trips and a place I'll be happy to return to again!
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