Happy 4th Birthday Penelope!! You've come a long way baby!!

Today is Penelope's 4th birthday!!!

I remember watching her come into the world 4 years ago.  It was a great way to start the morning!  Her mother had been on strict bed rest for 2 months prior because Penelope decided she'd like to come visit us right after the 2nd trimester.  Thanks to her mother's determination and the good medical care she received, Penelope stayed put a bit longer and had more time to grow. 

They suspected there might be problems so there was a team in place to work on Penelope as soon as she arrived.  The birth went well.  Her mommy didn't need any drugs to manage pain and got the job done like a pro!  I was quite impressed with my daughter! 

Penelope arrived rather quietly.  As soon as she was born the team grabbed her limp little form and took her over to the bassinet to work on her.  I remember standing there, waiting for her cry.  I looked down and saw her parents both looking over towards their daughter, waiting.  We were quiet in those moments while the team worked.  Then she cried!  Wasn't too loud but there she was and a collective sigh of relief went out. 

Since then her parents became VERY familiar with the hospital as she had numerous health issues and needed a number of stays.  I also became quite familiar with the hospitals as I worried about her and wanted to be supportive of her and her parents so I was there as much as I could be. 

I've shed some tears of stress, worry and fear over that baby!!  So many things were scary about the process of getting her into this world and then helping her to thrive!  Her parents went thru many hard times but held up so well they made me very proud!  I felt that Penelope was very lucky to have such wonderful loving parents who would do anything for her!! 

She was finally diagnosed with Weaver Syndrome and that helped clarify some issues and set things up so that she could get the help she needed.  Sadly it didn't end the many hospital visits but they gradually eased over the years.  (Fingers crossed!!)

Now she's 4 years old!  She's a smiley, giggly little firecracker who makes me smile all the time!  She rides the bus to school 3 times a week.  Her teachers think she's the bee's knees!  She doesn't have the ability to speak much yet but she uses some sign language and says Mama and Dada and can make cow sounds and pig sounds and other sounds when she's in the mood to cooperate with our games.  She's very independent and bossy.  She's smart and sneaky.  She has mad skills with getting people to do what she wants without saying a word. 

For example:  She had her birthday party yesterday and decided it was time to go into the other room to play.  She, waving her arms to say c'mon, got everyone at her party to get up and go to the other room.  It was like a migration!  I also noticed she can get her mommy to give her an Oreo with a cute face and hugs and kisses. 

She thinks I need help moving my computer mouse and will sometimes place her hand over mine and push it around and click while I'm trying to play computer games.  Apparently I'm not doing it up to her standards.  Makes being a gamer somewhat interesting sometimes.  

She and her mommy live with me right now.  I wasn't sure how I'd like living with a little person again after all these years but it turns out I like it just fine.  She entertains me with her shenanigans!  I open the washing machine to start a load and find her toys in there.  I sometimes find them in the microwave oven.  I get cuddles and giggles most nights when we have our snuggle time.  She keeps trying to crack my password so she can get into my computer.  She sits down, pulls out the tray, turns it on, clicks on either my or her mom's icons and starts typing.  The other day she sent me a text on her mom's phone.  Since it was gibberish I figured it was her and mommy hadn't noticed she had the phone unlocked. 

She loves books.  All books.  Big ones without pictures fascinate her about as much as her books do.  She just plain likes them. 

She's a finicky eater.  She likes anything sweet tho is suspicious of apple crisp.  She will eat many things as long as they are in a quesadilla format.  She likes mac & cheese or any pasta with a red sauce on it.  She loves a good PB&J also.  Her mom told me they'd already eaten the other day when I got home so I made myself a sandwich which Penelope then helped me eat with great enthusiasm!  I kept looking at her thinking..."you ate already...right". 

Anyway, on this day, Penelope's 4th birthday, life is pretty great!  She's robustly healthy, happy and enjoying life and making the lives of those around her brighter!  She had a rough start but Nelly is showing us all how to enjoy life now!

Happy, happy birthday to Penelope!! So happy you're here in our lives!!  Love you Peanut!!

Here are some pics of Penelope thru the years...

 

Best night of sleep ever!!

WOW!

I just slept from about 9:45 until 9:15!

I can't remember the last time I slept that good!

The icing on my cake was I had 2 of my favorite people in my dreams right before I woke up.

I dreamed Ken was with me and for some odd reason we were cleaning food off the couch.  He'd sat in it so I was getting it off his backside.  (I think living with a 3 yr old is affecting me)  This led to us discovering that we were hungry so I went to the fridge to find something to reheat.  I found some leftovers, which was amazing because my fridge was FULL of desserts.  Which it actually is right now.  But in my dream it was full of all the desserts Lacey & I have baked up recently and that's saying something!

So I found some concoction to reheat for our supper and some how Bruiser was there with us!  We knew he was dead but we were happy to see him!  We kept looking at him, waiting for him to disappear but finally I turned to Ken and said, "it looks like he's staying for a bit" and approached him.  I reached out to pet him and I could!  So I set about petting his silky fur.  I found 3 pieces of hot dogs stuck in his fur that I had to work out...not that Penelope eats hot dogs but the food here and there theme is familiar.

I've missed petting my pup.  I was reminded of that during the day yesterday when I petted a friend's dog and felt like crying because it was the first time I'd handled a dog since Bruiser passed.  Well my dreams gave me what I wished for and I got another nice petting session with my pup.  I woke up feeling better.

It takes time.  You never know when it's going to hit you sideways.  But I also experienced some healing in my dreams.  It was so nice spending some time with my puppy!  I'm glad he stayed long enough for me to be brave enough to pet his silky fur again.  Thanks pup.  I miss you!!!

Resting Bitch Face Syndrome (RBFS)

I suffer from Resting Bitch Face Syndrome (RBFS). 

When I'm just sitting around, minding my own business, people assume I don't like them and become afraid to speak to me.  This is because of RBFS.  They assume, because of my condition, that I will hate them and treat them with disdain.  This can lead to isolation. 

Thousands, like me, suffer from RBFS.  My daughter is the one who informed me that I suffered from this condition after a friend of hers said that they thought I didn't like them.  I personally hadn't talked to them enough to form an opinion but they can't help assuming the worst - it's part of a normal person's reaction to RBFS. 

Later, as I was watching my daughter watch TV in repose I realized she had inherited this condition from me.  It's genetic.  I haven't studied my other two children in repose lately so I will have to do that and warn them if it appears they too suffer from this genetic condition. 

My daughter, after the diagnosis, discovered that she too reacts negatively to others who suffer from RBFS.  She met a woman recently and assumed the woman did not like her.  Then, when they met again later, they spoke and the woman told her she also suffered from RBFS.  So even those who have RBFS avoid others with the same condition! 

There is hope however!   By using electronic media you can let people know you actually are a nice, fun person (most of the time) because you can control what they see!  Then, when they meet you in person, they aren't as afraid to approach you as they might normally be.  This is a better approach (in my opinion) than walking around with a stupid grin on your face all day, for no apparent reason.  People instinctually recognize those who suffer from RBFS and will immediately become suspicious that you're up to something. 

this person suffers from RBFS - be kind

A week out

It's been a week without my pup.  Been doing alright.  Haven't been sitting around sobbing, holding his collar or anything.  Still get stings every day tho. 

Since it's a week I can't help but compare today to last Friday.  This is a better day at least.  I'm not filled with dread.  Still have the heart ache but had that a week ago also so this is better by comparison.  No dread.

Was pondering the differences a week makes.  I thought how it was nice to not clean up dog poop in the yard.  Then I thought how I might break down and cry if I was mowing up leaves this fall and did step in some old dog poop in the yard.  All that's left of my pup.  Made me sad.  Made me feel like crying!  It's amazing the things that can trigger that sting isn't it?  Dog poop.  Sheesh.

It still feels weird to be free of having to worry about him.  Not to worry about his food or if his eyes or ears are having troubles or if his tummy bothers him or if he has enough to eat or fresh water or etc. 

I still talk to him tho he isn't there.

It'll be nice when the house finally sells and I can start fresh someplace new.  I'm ready. 

Bruiser was part of my life in that house.  Now it doesn't feel quite right anymore. 

Passing some hurdles

Been a few days since I had my pup, Bruiser, put to sleep.  Those first days were hard.  The house seemed too empty. 

Now I'm a few days out.

Some things have not changed.  I still miss his face.  I miss holding his warm little self and talking to him.  I miss his silky fur.  I have my favorite pic of him as my wallpaper on my computer at home so I say hello to him every day.  At least I get to see him that way.  It was taken on a good day last spring.  We were returning home from ND after a visit to see my Mom (whom he adored and it was mutual) and he was in the front seat, on his blue blanket, sitting in the sun with his tongue lolling out.  He was a happy boy.  I love that shot!  It was a good day :)

I still feel like he should be here.  I was wrestling with Penelope on my bed last night.  I enjoy those snuggle fests and the giggling.  But I still felt like he was there, snuggled in his bed next to mine, about to have his nap interrupted by our shenanigans.  I am haunted.  I'm sure I will be for some time to come.  Can't get over almost 15 years with a guy that quickly.  Even a little hairy one. 

I'm still adjusting to the empty space by my bed.  I actually look at it just to get used to the difference.  There's nothing there so it would seem to be a pointless exercise but I look BECAUSE there's nothing there.  I'm getting used to the new normal.  The lack of the baby gate that I was always banging into.  I don't miss that thing.  The lack of pee pads and food dishes.  Penelope now likes to look out the back door window.  She never did that before because his food dishes were there.  Now she likes to lift the blinds and check it out. 

His shelf for medicines and food, etc. has now become a place to store snacks to free up counter space in the kitchen.  It's nice to have the counter space free again. 

The past 2 nights I have shut my bedroom door.  I never used to do that because Bruiser might need to get out for a drink or some food in the night.  Now I can.  I rather like having a space all my own, that's closed off from everyone. 

I feel rested.  Sleeping is a wonderful thing and there's been a lack of it for me for some time.  Now I sleep.  All night long.  It's amazing! 

Yesterday was my first day back at work after Bruiser.  Getting ready for work has become simpler.  I don't have to let a pup out and back in.  I get up, I turn on lights, I don't walk over a dog to make my bed.  I don't have to go outside twice, in my robe.  It's cold out and getting colder so this is rather nice. I don't have to prepare food and refresh water.  I don't have to check eyes and medicate and give treats.  I keep expecting him to start a bark fest when I'm in the bathroom (he liked to do that if I dared to shut the door so that he couldn't see me and it drove me bat shit).  I can shut doors and no one gets offended anymore.  Something so simple as shutting a door is now different for me.  My life has become simpler and I'm finding this is not all bad. 

I'm adjusting.  I miss him.  I don't miss the peripheral stuff.  The work.  I'm finding I like life better without that.  Maybe someday I'll want to take that on again but I think it will be a very long time.  Besides, Bruiser broke the mold.  I've said this before, but I've had dogs all my life but there was never one as unique and special as Bruiser.  Our relationship started with me looking sideways at him as my daughter gushed that he was the bee's knees...me thinking this wasn't my kind of dog.  How wrong I was!  But once you've had the best, you've hit the peak.  I hit the peak.  And now life is quieter.  I'm lonelier.  Life is simpler.  But we had a good run together, me and my pup.  It's ok.

After Bruiser...

The house is pretty quiet right now.  I need to get busy doing some cleaning and a little errands.  I have a headache.  Had a glass and a half of some crappy wine last night.  A half because I couldn't bring myself to take another sip.  Lacey has a headache too.  We're going to blame the wine.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now.  My heart aches.  I miss my pup.

Life goes on.

Yesterday we decided to go car shopping.  Ended up getting Lacey's sorry Matrix turned in for a Civic that should last her for some years.  Got it financed low enough that she'll be able to pay the loan off in a few months with her tax refund.  Penelope was pretty patient with it all.  Amazingly so.

As the day wore on into evening I would think about my empty house and how I no longer needed to get home to let Bruiser out and feed him.  I felt the pang of loss.

Coming home was sad.  Walking to my room and there's no baby gate.  There's no rug with Bruiser's dishes on it by the back door.  Going into my room, his bed isn't there.  He isn't there.  And my heart hurts.

I slept 9 hours last night.  I woke up and laid there.  Heard Penelope so turned on the TV to lure her in.  Laid there thinking how I didn't need to get up and let Bruiser out or feed him.  And how I wouldn't need to step over him when I made my bed.  I laid in bed a long time this morning.  Luckily Penelope was there to snuggle and eventually Lacey was there too.  And smiles.

Lacey made crepes and bacon for lunch (was supposed to be breakfast but we are moving slowly today).

I sat at the table and looked out the kitchen window and started to cry a little because I missed him.  Why crepes made me miss him I have no idea.  I managed myself and got a grip and enjoyed the good food.  We talked a bit about how I don't miss the work of having a pet.  About how I think I'll get used to this and eventually like it. But that I still miss him.  Lacey called it a labor of love.  It was.

Then I decided to have a soak in the tub.  I sat there in the heat and felt guilty.  So guilty!  And so lonely for my pup.

I kept thinking about how scared he was in those last moments.  It was fast thankfully but he turned to me and I looked into his eyes and don't exactly remember what I said in that moment but then I put my mouth on his head like I've done so many times throughout his life and he smelled my scent for his last breath.  I was there with him.  I felt him go.  I said he's gone.  The vet said she'd check but I knew.  I felt him go.

That haunts me.  He turned to me when he was scared and I didn't save him.  I failed.  That's probably what I struggle with most right now, aside from missing him.

I feel guilty that I wasn't up to caring for him until he died of natural causes.  That I couldn't handle those long, sleepless nights that happened too often and left me feeling like a zombie during the day while he rested up for the next round.

I feel guilty that sometimes in the wee hours I had been ready to drive him to a field and leave him there.  He felt that.  I scared him with my barely restrained violence.  He sensed it tho I didn't hurt him.  At least it didn't happen often but it did happen and I felt like a shit for thinking it.  But that's real and hard and honest.

I feel guilty that I didn't want him having accidents all over the new flooring I put in this past year so I can get my house sold.  Last spring, when winter didn't want to end, he stopped going potty outside and it didn't matter how often he was let out.  We were in for another round of that this winter...months of that...on the new floors that cost me $ and sweat and sore muscles this past summer.

I feel guilty that I begrudged the expensive, special food he required, the expensive vet visits and medications.  It's been pay cut after pay cut at my job in recent years and his needs have increased.

I feel guilty about many things.  I feel like a failure.

And sitting there in the steam I realized that guilt has been my constant companion in life.  It's always there.  Moments like this bring it to the fore but it's always there.

I have guilt about raising my kids.  I haven't always done well by them.  I haven't always even tried.  Same with pretty much everything in life.  Most of the time I do my best.  But not always.  Sometimes I'm small and mean and selfish.  I'm human.  That's not an excuse.  It's just a fact.

Guilt is actually a healthy emotion if you don't let it get the best of you.  It drives you to try harder or to avoid repeating mistakes.

When I had those dark thoughts towards Bruiser and I could tell he knew it, I made an extra effort to be kind and as gentle as possible the next time I handled him.  Guilt drove me to be better than I had been.

There's good reason for my guilt with regard to my pup.  I did fail him.  I wasn't up to caring for him.  Like I've said before, if he was a person I would have put him in a nursing home.  Along with guilt comes the acceptance of short-comings sometimes.  Maybe someone else could have done for Bruiser what I couldn't or wouldn't.  But I had to make a judgment call.  Some of it was for his sake.  He was going to die.  I did save him from more scary moments, like when his leg wouldn't support him and he'd fall, or when he'd feel lost and confused.  When he was sore and couldn't tell me and would have to wait until I figured out something was wrong.  I saved him from another cold winter.  He never did well in winter but last spring taught me that he was at his end with winter.  I don't know that he would have survived it.  At least he went before he had to suffer through that.

Some of the judgment call was for my sake.  And for Lacey & Penelope's sake.  It was exhausting for all of us to care for him.  Truly.  It was a lot of work.  I was trapped and unable to travel or be away from him for any period because of the level of his needs and my unwillingness to ask someone else to suffer through nights without much sleep or clean up his accidents or deal with his crying and medicating him.

The part that was for my sake is the part I have guilt about.

I miss him.

I want him back.  I so miss his little face and those big brown eyes!  And when he'd dance because he was happy or excited!  Oh how I miss that!!  It's amazing how much I miss that.

I don't want him back.  I'm ready to try life without pets for a while.  To be free.  But I don't want to miss him.  I don't want to feel guilty.  I can't help it.

It feels good to sleep.

I still feel like I did the right thing.  I don't like it.  But I did what needed to be done.  Just gotta keep telling myself that enough and some day I'll believe it again.

It can't be undone.

Now I have to deal with the fallout.  I have to get used to life without him.  Another little ache that I'll carry around in my heart for the rest of my life.  I'm building a collection of those.  Once again, while those aches hurt, they are worth it because it means you loved someone and they loved you.  Nothing can last forever.  But you had them for a while and it was good enough that you miss them.  I miss quite a few people and I will miss more before my life is over and someone will miss me.

The end

Today is the day. 

Geez this is tough.  Last night was mostly good.  I enjoyed some time alone with just my pup and me.  Decided to skip the bath since he doesn't like them anyway.  Why put him thru it again?

I had a panic attack last night when I was getting set up to go to bed.  Had a hard time breathing.  Took a while to get a grip on myself again.  Can't go into that because I'm at work and need to keep my shit together.  I need to do that today as much as I can anyway.  Suffice it to say I'm thankful I was texting Ken when it hit.  He helped. 

Today is a fragile kind of day.  Mentally I'm working real hard to distance myself from emotions.  Not very successfully but working on it.  I have some things to get thru.  This is the hardest day I've had in a while. 

To lighten the mood...after I shut the lights out last night Bruiser farted a bad one...wow!  I mean paint peeling stench!  touché Bruiser, touché! 

My little brat dog strikes again!

Punk ass dawg :)



It's the evening now and Bruiser is gone.  The house is quiet.  My heart is aching.  Tears are flowing.  I miss my puppy.  It hurts.

My heart is broken.

The end is near: Thursday

Tomorrow is it. 

Today is going better than yesterday so far.  I'm not having panic attacks.  I feel sad and calm mostly.  I'm bracing myself for tomorrow.  I want to do well by him.  Dogs feed off our energy so I want my energy to be calm and comforting for him.  It's going to be a challenge but that's my goal.  I can go to pieces after.  Before I need to keep a grip if it's possible.  I really hope it is.

Tonight it should be just Bruiser and me at home again.  For the last time.  I intend to fuss over him a bit.  Going to give him a bath so he gets perked up for a bit and feels nice.  He likes being clean.  I'm going to let him eat a lot.  If his eyes look ok I won't put meds in them.  And he's going to get some Alpo snackies just because. 

All these years it's been nice having him in the house.  Especially after all the kids moved out.  He was good company.  It was nice to have someone be happy to see me at the end of the day.  I was happy to see him!  He's so stinking cute!

In recent years it's been nice to have his company even if he mostly slept.  At least there was someone else there.  It wasn't just me. 

I don't expect to spend a lot of the rest of my life alone now.  My life is changing.  I have Lacey & Penelope with me now.  I plan to eventually sell the house and start a life with Ken so I will have him to spend my days with.  I won't spend weeks/months alone anymore.  Which is nice.  But I'm so glad Bruiser was there when I was living like that.  That was nice :) 

He has been a great family dog!!  He was so funny and gentle with the kids.  He was robust enough that he could rough house with them but small enough so they could cuddle him like a baby.  When they were still living at home you'd hear how he was the cutest dog in the whole world about a hundred times a day and then he'd be squeezed and snuggled and adored.  We've all had it pretty good! 

He was renowned for his laziness.  He would sit down during sock tug-of-war battles.  You could do most anything to him while he laid there and as long as it didn't hurt he'd go limp and let you.  That was pretty amusing sometimes!  If he got tired during a walk he'd lay down.  Short of dragging him by the neck, you'd get to carry him from there. 

He never learned to play fetch.  Bruiser is a natural born tease.  You'd throw his toy, he'd run to get it and then try to lure you into chasing him to get it from him.  He simply would not play normal fetch!  EVER!  That concept flew in the face of his basic personality!

He doesn't like things poking his feet.  I remember taking him for walks and he'd gingerly hop over crab grass growing in the cracks of the sidewalks.  I tried taking him into a field to run.  I'd done that with all my other dogs and they loved it.  Well, Bruiser didn't love it.  He sat down and refused to so much as walk!  I had to finally give up and carry him back to the car. 

Bruiser likes the life of luxury.  He is picky about his food.  It's been hard over the years to get him to switch dog foods.  I've been successful but sometimes he'd go for days without eating because it wasn't the right food in his dish.  He loves to be snuggled in his bed with fresh sheets.  He prefers inside to outside most of the time.  There were many times when I'd have him out with me while I worked in the yard and he'd sit at the top of the stairs crying to go inside. 

Bruiser doesn't like to be messed with.  If you do, you will hear, loudly, about his unhappiness!  I have been told not to bring him back to a couple of grooming places.  He has embarrassed me by howling over a toenail trim so loudly that you could hear him in the front of the store.  He has carried on so badly at the vets that they've been sure something must be horribly wrong with him.  I have to reassure them that he's just a drama queen and he's actually fine.  He cries thru baths and haircuts and toenail trims.  Vet visits...put him down and he runs for the door.  Let's just say he isn't fond of the vet :)  They mess with him too much and that's not tolerable!

I'll be messing with him tonight.  Hopefully he won't mind it too much!  It's my last chance so I plan to enjoy it!

The end is near: Wednesday

I'm squirming.  I'm stressed.  I'm also tired because Bruiser was fussy last night.  I overslept and got to work late.  I'm yawning.  I'm depressed. 

Tonight I'm taking the night off from this.  I'm going to try anyway.  I will notify the rest of the people tomorrow via email and phone call.  Tonight I will rake leaves and decorate for Halloween.  I'll give Bruiser a bath because his butt looks a bit messy.  He'll feel better getting freshened up.  Will probably bound around the house a bit!  I will watch Survivor and American Horror Story.  Maybe I will order a pizza so no one has to cook?  Good thought.  Going to make tonight as normal as possible.

I paid for the euthanasia last night after work.  Tried to be cool and failed miserably again.  The girl cleaning the windows was staring at me as I drove away.  I don't feel very tough lately.  I'm tired and my emotions are spilling all over the place.   

Glad I had errands to run after.  I got a new iphone so that distracted me for quite a while last night. 

I feel trapped.  If I decide to run from this he will have a hard winter, being cold and crying at night.  We won't get any sleep in the house and Lacey will be cleaning up poop and pee off my new floors and trying to manage him on top of dealing with my granddaughter.  He will continue to decline.  Doing it now saves this from going into a downhill spiral, which it will.  I've lived with his dementia long enough to know that and finally accept it.  It's not going to get any better from here on out.  But it makes me feel trapped to know this.  That's why I'm squirming.  I'm still looking for an escape route and there isn't one.  I will have to say good-bye to him.  Sooner or later I will.  Sooner is better when I consider the ramifications of later for him and for his family. 

I'm adding to this as I go thru the day.  Right now I'm in panic mode...heart racing and fighting tears.  Had a dismal month of billing at work, which is depressing on a lot of levels.  There's a lot of pressure at work to get $ in the door.  And then a friend posted that her dog had just died in her arms and how much she misses her.  It made me feel sick inside cause I'm next. 

I have wanted to avoid that pain of this.  I still do.  I talk about embracing it but it's hard to keep my grip on that.  I know I will have to let him go.  He is an old dog.  He can't live forever.  Logically I know I'm going the right thing.  I know this is a peak, so to speak, and it's a downhill slide from here that won't be fun for any of us, including my pup.  But I don't want to say good-bye.  It hurts.  This visceral reaction is really hard to manage in some moments. 

Writing about it is helping some.  It helps me sort my thoughts out and get logic in the forefront, ahead of emotion.  That is a job right now. 

I'm not advertising my blog thru this.  It's too depressing and painful and I feel like that would be sensationalizing the situation for attention.  I'm not doing this for attention.  I'm doing this to try to keep my head on straight.  If someone ever finds this who's been thru it or is going thru it, at least they will know someone else went thru it too.  Not sure that's a comfort.  Seeing Minerva grieving her pup isn't helping me with mine.  It just adds to the panic reaction.  But anyway, like I said, this is helping me get my shit together.  Over and over during the day.  Because I get a grip and then I lose it.  I suspect this will get worse and be practically unlivable by Friday.  I gotta try to keep it together.  I gotta.

The end is near: Tuesday

Know what?  It's fucked up to know when your pet is going to die.  Totally fucked up!

I also want to know if I'm a total wuss.  I've been crying a lot.  I try to tell myself he's just a dog but he's more than that.  He's a family member.  I feel like such a big baby.  One thing about Bruiser is that he brings out a ton of feelings in me!

I've felt like a crybaby: 

On several of my sleepless nights, listening to him yodel and cry, I would cry.  Because of desperation and self pity.  I was so exhausted and frustrated and just completely out of my league with trying to manage him.

I've felt murderous: 

On a couple nights where he wanted to go in and out repeatedly during the wee hours and it was raining and I couldn't find my slippers so got to go in and out in the cold and wet in my bare feet (cause I was just too shot to try to fumble around in the dark looking for flips with a yowling dog tucked in my arm) and how he wanted to bark and I didn't want him to wake up the whole house...I had evil thoughts...like how I would like to strangle him right there or taking off and dumping him in a field and be done with the whole awful mess.  I'll be honest...I hated him in those moments.  With an abiding passion.  

I feel sorry for him: 

I watch him wander around the house with his head down, not paying much attention to anything and I feel sorry for him because his life isn't as good as it was.  I remember when he was so feisty.  He was such an annoying pain in the ass with his need for attention!  Now when I reach to pet him, he flinches away and speeds up his walk to get away.  I know not to take it personally.  It's part of the dementia.  He rarely seeks out human contact anymore.  I miss my feisty Bruiser.  I do see feisty Bruiser briefly here and there and it's always a welcome thing. 

I feel mean, cruel, evil, awful: 

When I have to put meds in his eyes and he cries.  I feel mean tho I'm trying to help.  It doesn't hurt him.  I've had to do it so many times that he doesn't tolerate it well any more.  He's tired of it.  He doesn't want me messing with his eyes anymore.  I'm sorry I have to do it.  He'd feel bad if I didn't. 

Let's not even mention that I'm going to kill him in a few days.  You can call it nicer things but that's what I'm doing.  Talk about feeling mean!  I feel horrid and evil!  Holy crap!  It feels like total shit even if it's saving him a miserable winter and more physical/mental decline (which might kill me if I have an accident because I fall asleep driving to work - already finding errors I don't usually make at work - not good).  Not to mention that his family needs some sleep at night...

I feel frustrated: 

I watch him eat and within a short period, get confused and get mad at me because he's sure it's breakfast or supper time and why won't I feed him?  I get frustrated - being barked at isn't nice - I accuse him of people abuse - but I know he can't help it. 

I see him show interest in his surroundings sometimes and wish he could become young again and we could start over and have another 15 yrs.  Shit. 

I feel relief:

He doesn't seem to get stressed about the tree outside anymore.  Thunder doesn't terrorize him anymore. 

I worry: 

I worry when he bolts into things coming out of a sleep.  I worry when he tries to jump off the stairs or the bed.  He has hurt himself doing that when people didn't know to watch him.  He has no sense anymore. 

I worry because he has no way of protecting himself from my 3 yr old granddaughter.  She accidentally stepped on him a while back.  He was napping and couldn't hear that she was near.  He limped around for a bit after that. 

I'd worry that all this "startling" was taking a toll on his heart.  That won't be what does him in at least. 

I feel love:

He's my puppy.  He has beautiful big brown eyes.  They are clouded now with age.  I can't talk about this.  No crying at work.  I just love him.  Tons.

The end is near - Monday

Ok, this day started out pretty fantastic!  Bruiser let me sleep last night.  ALL NIGHT!!!  In fact, I woke up at 4 AM and wondered if he had died in his sleep!  I was peeking over the edge of my bed but couldn't see if he was breathing.  He looked comfy so I decided I didn't want to know until morning anyway and went back to sleep.  It was wonderful!  And there he was, right on time, letting me know it was time for breakfast and to go out!

I love freakish incidents like that!  I'm not crazy enough to expect it to continue but I certainly wouldn't complain if it did.

Got home and found out he didn't have any accidents in the house.  Bruiser has had a banner day!  I reminded him that he likes to be petted and he made a point of getting some loves here and there before he went back to bed.

Having a good night and day doesn't change the overall issues.  He has dementia.  He isn't going to improve.  So far he's pretty healthy physically.  Thing is, winter is coming hard and fast.  Had our first little spurt of snow today.  It didn't hit 40 that I'm aware of.  Bruiser was shivering but determined that he didn't want to wear his sweater.  He doesn't handle the cold well anymore.  He never did but last spring, it drug on and he really suffered.  So what's coming soon will make him suffer.

Today has been a good day with my pup.  I'm grateful for it!  I'd like a whole week of good days so here's hoping!

Today was rather slow at work so I took some time to ponder death.  It's been a process but I'm ready to embrace it and acknowledge that it's part of life.  It's hard.  I think most of us try to run from death.  Well who wants to die?  I kept thinking how my aversion to it was bordering on utter stupidity when I'm walking around like a half zombie from lack of sleep for weeks on end.  It's that powerful survival instinct.  Even when it comes to those we love...it definitely extends beyond ourselves.  BUT we all must die.  This cannot be avoided.  To learn to accept that is a long, painful road sometimes.

When I pick it apart logically I understand that Bruiser will never be young again.  He will never howl with his pack because he doesn't hear us.  And he just doesn't do that anymore.  Bruiser doesn't play anymore.  Hasn't since Penelope was quite a bit smaller.  He did have fun teasing her with his little narly red tiger toy.  He'd put it in front of him, butt up and wait for her to take it.  She'd take it and then he'd gently take it back (he has a soft mouth with the little ones) and start the process over again.  He's a natural born tease so this game worked really well for him!  Those times were the last I recall him showing interest in play.  Bruiser doesn't run anymore - except for a few steps after a bath - that invigorates him.  He doesn't greet anyone with excitement tho he will sometimes wander out to see what's going on if he figures out someone is here.  He doesn't go for walks because it hurts and he limps and walks very, very slowly.

Right now he's physically in decent shape for an almost 15 yr old.  He is mostly deaf.  He is losing his vision.  He has aches and pains but his coat shines and he eats well and he looks pretty handsome for an old pup.  It will go downhill from this moment.  His mind is not good.  I think he knows us but I couldn't swear to it.  But I think he does.  Lately he's shown more interest in people, meaning he comes out and sits and looks at us briefly sometimes and then goes back to bed.  He paces.  That's also part of the dementia but it's some sort of exercise so I'll take it!  His life is a sliver of what it was.  I've done my best to keep him as comfortable and cared for as I can.  I think I've been pretty successful!  But like I said, things will only get worse.

So right now, Lacey & I are sleep deprived.  Lacey is cleaning up messes in the house on a regular basis no matter how often he is let out.  He cries a lot.  It's getting colder.  This is like a high point for him compared to the coming months.  I'd rather let him go before he has to suffer thru the cold and before we have to have some more serious problem because of lack of sleep.  Today I did some really stupid stuff at an intersection and Lacey & I laughed but honestly it shows how distracted I am at this point.  It's not good.

Lacey & I had errands to run so I debated making the call to the vet to set up Bruiser's appt.  I decided to just get it done.  I called and was pretty cool as I told them that I wanted to schedule a euthanasia appt for Bruiser.  They asked me about disposing of his body and some other nice services they offer and I lost it.  They were very kind and understanding.  I asked them if I could pre-pay for the services and they said that was fine so I will take care of that tomorrow.

I hung up and cried.  They have taken good care of him his whole life.  For all my bitching about costs they have helped me manage his various issues over the years and put up with his drama queen antics whenever we went in.  I have had some laughs over his antics at the vet's office!  Friday will be quick so he won't have time to get wound up. For that I'm grateful.

So tonight after I returned from errands I was washing the dishes and crying.  I'm crying as I write this.  It's therapy.  It helps me sort out my thoughts.  I can be super logical but that old emotional side won't let me off the hook.  So I know it's the right thing to do.  Doesn't make it less painful.

I wish I could get into my E drive and post some older pics of my pup but my cable appears to be crapped out.  Sadly I don't have a lot of older pics from that drive.  I pulled some of these off my facebook.  Here are some of my photo memories of life with Bruiser...

howling with his Lee Lee

cuddling with his boy

road trip to Stillwater

snuggles with his Lacey Belle

saying hi to his little buddy Einstein

looking gorgeous back in the day

snuggling with his candy cane and tiger toys

taking over my spot when I got up

hanging out with his little buddy Rex

me and Bruiser

 

sleeping next to Penelope - yes she's sleeping like that

being all sassy-like!

snuggle time with Ken

 

snuggling with his boy - he's a master snuggler

 

the kids with Bruiser his 1st Xmas with us

kids with Bruiser his last Xmas with us

on a road trip - he loves a good road trip!