Thinking about mortality

The recent past has been full of reminders of mortality for me.  I can’t go into much detail to protect other's privacy.  The people who need to know, do.  That has to be enough.  But I want to try to write about it somehow, in a way that won’t expose someone else’s private business.

I feel unsettled. 

Life is so much kinder when it gives you a break from the specter of death…when it allows you the illusion that you and your loved ones will all live to a ripe old age.  It’s a comfortable place to be isn’t it? 

Then life slams you to the ground and reminds you that we can all be taken away in a moment.  This day that you’re living?  It might be the best day you’ll have in your life.  Tomorrow things could change and everything after will carry a stabbing sliver of pain in it. 

You’ll adjust to the loss.  You have to.  It's how life works!  I’ve lost loved ones.  I’ve grieved with my friends as they’ve lost loved ones. 

Then you learn to live without them.  You never forget them but you learn to move on.  You are forever changed.

You think you’re doing well and then something will trigger a memory and it will all wash over you again.  But it’ll bring a sad sort of joy to have them back with you when that happens.  They sit in the background so that we can go on with the tedium of our lives but every now and again they jump to the front and remind us that we loved them and that they loved us.

It’s painful to remember.  Wonderful and painful at the same time.  Yet you can never regret having any of them in your life.  There is a price to pay for loving people.  The more people you love, the higher the chances are that you’ll pay this price.  Nothing is free.

It’ll be worth every bit of it. 

Right now I want to go back to my illusions of immortality.  I want the fear of loss and the heartache to fade so I can return to my inane, tedious little life where I piss and moan about traffic or annoying things or car repairs.  I miss my comfortable illusion.  I’m waiting patiently for it to return.  Hoping life cooperates.

Just to be on the safe side? 

Family, friends...I REALLY love you guys!!!  You make life worth living and I hope to keep all of you with me for years and years and years!  I hope to stay with you as long too!