Magic Mike movie review

Last Friday I got the thought in my head that my sister and I should live on the edge a bit and go see the movie "Magic Mike".  I was pretty excited for a girl's night out!  Most of the time, since I'm trying to pay down credit and seem to be chronically short on fun money, I sit at home and either read or watch the TV.  My life is rather dull most of the time.  The happy flip side to this is that when I do plan something I tend to get pretty excited about it!

Here's what I enjoyed about the movie.  (crickets chirping)







Ok, it wasn't that bad (Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man was worse) but it was equivalent to a cold shower for my libido. 

My interest in that sort of thing apparently has not improved with age.  Back in the day I would occassionally go to male strip shows with some girlfriends.  I loved having an excuse to get away from my kids and my normal life for an evening!  But the strippers...errgh...well they were mostly good looking!  I'll say that for them.  But they were silly.  Men in thongs and legwarmers are silly looking.  (Leg warmers show you just how long ago it was that I last went to one of these shows!)

Men don't make interesting strippers.  At least to me they don't.  It's just not a very manly thing to do!  I do enjoy looking at a pretty man but if one is dancing around in a thong it's all I can do not to laugh!  They look good when they pose for pictures don't they?  I did laugh plenty at Magic Mike.  Probably at inappropriate times but whatevs...it was my $10 so I can do what I want!

There was one thing that was very distracting (one thing, right) and that was the size of Matthew McConaughey's head.  He has a rather large head in comparison to his tiny little body.  And his legs are kinda short.  Or is this just me?  Maybe it was just the hat?  He is in good shape.  I'll give him that.  (see <----)

The camera work on him wasn't kind for the most part.  Made him look like he isn't aging well, despite the fit bod.  But that was probably on purpose since he wasn't playing a super sweetheart, cutie patootie. 

I'll be honest with you...I felt super repulsed when they would pull women on the stage and dry hump their faces!  I'm familiar with the scent of a man in that region.  The thought of some strange dude, who's sweaty, dry humping my face on a stage would probably get him punched hard in the nut sac!  I was grimacing thru that part.  I'm grimacing writing about it right now! 

I'm honestly not a prude.  Ask Ken!  On second thought, don't.  That's our business.  Anyway, you'll have to take my word for it.  I'm not a prude but that was going a little far.  I'm eternally grateful that the strippers I saw back in the day only went for kisses.  Sure they'd straddle you sometimes to grant them but they kept their mouths closed and didn't try to dry hump your face.  I never realized, until this movie, that I even should be grateful for that but hey, I really am! 

There was one part that caught my attention and made me wonder.  There was a scene where a dialog was going on and you could see a penis being pumped in the corner of the shot.  They made sure you noticed by having the new kid in the movie stare at it, mesmerized.  And you could see it stretching down the tube.  I kept wondering what was the point of that?  I think it was to stretch it the hell out for a later shot but wouldn't that be damaging?  Wouldn't it hurt?  It looked like it should hurt!

The last time I went to a stripper show I realized I couldn't go again.  Because I found it ridiculous.  And I didn't want to hurt any guy's feelings by laughing at him when he wiggled over so's I could put a dollar in his thong.  And I really, really didn't want a kiss!  REALLY!!  Ick.  I try to be polite.  If I can't then...

I find watching women strip to be far more interesting to watch.  I used to go now and again when I was in my 20's. I think I was trying to prove how cool and uninhibited I was. No, I'm not a latent lesbian.  Tho I'd probably be pretty good at it if I was!  I mean, girls know what girls like right?  Thing is they are missing some parts I happen to really enjoy but I get it.  I have yet to find a woman that I'm attracted to like that.  Except for Michelle Malkin.  I might become a temporary lesbian like Anne Heche for that one!   

The thing about it is, that I can imagine myself doing what the lady strippers are doing and when I'm in the right frame of mind I find it to be pretty titillating.  (let me point out the poetic use of titillating :)  I can't imagine myself being one of those dudes on the stage though, and nothing they're doing up there is making me want to bang them or bang my honey either.  So girl strippers are the winner if I'm gonna go to a strip show!  YAY!  Or not, since I don't go to strip shows anymore.  I can just stay home and have a cold shower if I want to kill my libido!  I don't need to pay a cover charge to do it!  Older and wiser.  Except for Friday night.  I wonder how many years it'll be before I get the stupid notion that I need to see a strip show again? 

sitting alone in the dark

I was just playing with my webcam and got into special effects and this made me think of A-Ha "Take me on" so I got the music off You Tube and filmed this stupid movie :)

OMG I'm a dork!!  If only Ken could pop thru a comic book to hang out with me!!

videos/pictures

This is Bruiser ignoring me while he takes a nap.  He likes to put his head into spaces to limit what he sees.  I find it mildly insulting.

 No lips!

Here's me thinking I'm being kinda weird.  And I still haven't put on any make-up this AM.  Debating if I will.  I may take a nap.  Also haven't put on a bra.  Seems stupid to suffer in a bra when it's just me and my dog.  Tho on occasion people pop over and I have to run into my room and put a bra on.  I wish people would warn me before they come over so I can have a bra on when they arrive!

 

I was trying to take a picture of myself...turns out the camera was set for video. My face looks weirdly red!  This was my first picture of the day!

Batman Premiere shooting

Woke up to the news that some jackass decided that a Batman movie premiere was a great place to randomly shoot people.  What the hell???  I'm sickened by this.  Yet I know this kind of crap has been going on for hundreds of years.  Well, maybe not in movie theaters at Batman premieres, but you know, where one or more sick fucks decide they are pissed at the world or suicidal and can't just take themselves deep...they feel a compulsion to spread their misery far and wide. 

I don't understand.

I guess I don't understand because I would never, in my wildest dreams, do something like this.  The mindset behind it is alien to me and most people.  This was clearly planned out in advance.  They said that some of the guns used could have been planted earlier.  He has tear gas.  Where does one get tear gas?  So he heard about the Batman premiere and decided THIS would be the perfect event for him to corner a bunch of innocents and torture/kill them for his own amusement. 

I sometimes wish that we were more barbaric.  If this sick fuck knew that when he was caught, he would be tied up and slowly shot and cut up and tortured to death for a period of several hours/days, maybe he would have thought twice and just taken himself deep and limited the suffering to his own family.  Those poor people! 

Can you imagine having a mass murderer for a brother or son or father or lover?  How painful!  You love them and yet...how do you even begin to wrap your head around that! 

And who could tolerate inflicting the death I just described?  That would be another horror.  Unless we could make these guys do it to each other.  Line them up.  When the next one comes along, the earlier one dies at the new guy's hands.  They have already murdered.  Make them murder their own kind.  Then make them pray that no one else does the same thing because they're next.  It's a thought!

This is a terrible day for many in CO.  It is the start of many more terrible days to follow.  My heart goes out to all of the families and friends of the victims in the CO shootings this morning.

SBD Santa Claus

Yesterday I made yet another "epic" journey to Salt Lake City, UT, to see my man, Ken.  I started the day with a crooked back and high hopes that my chiropractor would be able to fix me first thing in the AM so I could go blissfully thru the rest of my day and then my 10 day vacation.  Didn't exactly work out.  Marginal improvement was made.  It was something.

One of the things I did to myself was to offer to bring a (this) laptop with me on vacation so I could work a bit and try to keep up on things.  I would do this if they paid for me to check my bag.  They agreed.  So I was happy because I got to bring the bigger suitcase YAY!  And sad because I wasn't going to be totally on vacation.  But mostly so I'll stop whining about it now. 

I had the great idea to take the train from work to the airport.  Never did that before.  It was kind of cool!  I'll do it again someday!  Saw some new views of Mpls and got to smell a little BO.  It was hot and the guy sitting in front of me liked putting his arms up.  So I breathed shallowly.  I survived. 

First leg into DFW was great!  I was a special passenger and got an entire row of 3 seats all to myself!!  Felt like a rock star :)  Except for the fact that I was 2 rows away from the bathrooms and that got a little fragrant now and again.  This trip was turning out to be fragrant.  When you go out amongst the people it gets like that.

So I get into DFW.  Sigh.  You almost need stamina training at some airports.  I came in at the D gates.  My next flight left from the C gates so I started walking.  They could use a LOT more moving walkways at DFW!!  JS!!  So I walked and walked.  And I started really hating this lunky, heavy laptop.  I went up the escalator and walked.  Then down another escalator and walked.  Then walked over a highway in a skyway.  Then more escalators.  Then a tram.  Then another escalator.  And then...(drumroll) my gate!  It said the flight was going to Orlando.  I was a bit early tho Orlando might have been nice.  I had 2 hrs to wait.  My back was aching from carrying the damned laptop all over kingdom come.  I was in crabby bitch mode.  I was wondering why my work didn't use those cute little notebook type laptops instead of these 50 lb behemoths!  50 lb behemoths should automatically come with wheels so people with crappy backs can drag them around on the floor behind them!  Ok, so it's not 50 lbs but my back was sore and I was being a pussy about it.

I thought I found a McDonalds to eat at but was detoured by the pretzel offerings at Auntie Anne's.  I did not eat a well balance diet yesterday.  That pretzel was the best thing I ate all day!

So I finally get on the plane.  Some guy who looks like Santa Claus has hijacked my seat.  He's giving me this look and I figure if he wants the  window seat that fucking bad, go for it!  So I took the middle. 

I would like to say that whoever designed those seats should be taken out and shot!!  They have NO lumbar support.  In fact, they force you into a hunched position.  I was fantasizing about how wonderful it would be if only I had a big fat pillow to slip back there so my back wouldn't hurt! 

Santa Claus was a sprawler.  He splayed his legs out.  He took over the arm rest.  I hunkered over to my left as much as I can.  I'm no tiny petunia myself so let's say I didn't get too far left. 

Santa tried to strike up a conversation.  I gave monosylabic responses and he finally left me alone.  I'm not a good conversationalist when I'm suffering and crabby!  I'm rather anti-social in good circumstances. 

Last night was the night for people to bring their cranky, exhausted little kids on the flight.  We were swarmed with them!  I lost track of which kid was crying when.  Poor little dudes!  I was a little jealous because if I was like them I could have been throwing a tantrum to the attendants about the shitty seat designs and how my back really hurt!  I could have cried and moaned and vented!  Instead I just had a lengthy bitch stream running in my brain.  Let's just say the F word popped up regularly. 

So I finally found a relatively comfy spot (oh gag,,.Baby just took a shit in the cat box and I caught a whiff...gag!) by curling forward with my elbows on the little fold down table, holding my head in my hands.  I was doing this really well apparently because I dozed off.  I know I dozed off because the woman on my left accidentally bumped me and I almost jumped out of my skin in startlement! 

Well I squirmed all thru that 2 hour flight, trying to keep my back from being too miserable.  I was actually praying (gag, caught another whiff) that the flight would end soon and I'm an agnostic!  But at that point, I was desperate and figured it couldn't hurt.  Lucky for me, if God is there, that he wasn't pissed at me for being agnostic and answered my prayer with a flaming plane wreck!

All these whiffs are reminding me of the last little part of my flight.  The time when Santa Claus decided to start dealing some SBD's.  Silent, but deadlies.  Holy Hell!!  I tried my best not to breathe!  We were coming in for a landing when he started up.  I couldn't look out the window because that would have meant facing into the vile cloud of stench!  Ken asked me if I saw the fires when I landed and I had to tell him I couldn't because of the horrible stench from the guy next to me...I was wondering if he crapped his pants or something?  I wondered if the folks around me thought I did it?  (another whiff...gag...when will this kitty litter kick into action??)

Well my semi-crippled ass is in UT now.  Relax!  We head for ND tomorrow.  I have a day of rest.  So far work has been quiet.  I like that!

my dog has a wardrobe, but no booties!

You may have noticed that Bruiser was wearing a blue hoodie in my last post.  My Mom got that for him shortly after one of his haircuts because she thought he looked cold.  I moved into another zone I'd never been in before...a dog with a wardrobe.

Bruiser is already prissy enough in certain ways.  He doesn't like walking on grass because it pokes his feet.  He won't run in fields.  When he gets tired he lays down...doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a walk.  If you want to keep walking you get to carry him!  He is a fussy eater.  If someone at a petstore offers him a treat, he will politely take it and just as politely set it on the floor.  He won't eat it.  It's not one of his pre-approved treats.  He has very few of those and they tend not to offer them as freebies.  He doesn't have much use for other dogs.  Bruiser is kind of a pain.  And now he has "outfits".

The blue hoodie was the beginning of a collection.  He has a green sweater with leaves embroidered on it.  He has a black top with a skull on it somewhere tho I haven't seen it for a while.  Maybe some other dog got jealous and took it.  He has a few collars...there's a Halloween themed collar on the floor in my living room right now for some strange reason.  I think Penelope was playing with it on her last visit a week or so ago.  Shows how often I clean.

Once Lacey dressed him up as a clown for Halloween.  He looked ridiculous and not terribly thrilled about it!  Lucky for him that costume was a bit small so they didn't leave it on him for long.

Bruiser doesn't mind wearing sweatshirts/sweaters.  He even seems to enjoy them!  But I found out where he draws the line one winter.  He doesn't tolerate cold well so on the rare occasion I'd take him for walks in the winter, he would end up crying fairly quickly and trying to walk without putting his feet on the ground.  Would have been funny if it wasn't for the fact that he was really not having any fun!

I got the bright idea to get some booties for him to wear so the cold couldn't hurt his feet!  Ran to Petsmart and picked some nice ones out and came home all excited to try them out!

Let's just say that Bruiser HATED the booties!  With a mad passion!!  Surprisingly he cooperated until I got 2 of them on his front paws. Then he staggered around a bit (dogs walk REALLY funny in booties...or at least Bruiser does).  He finally lay down and wouldn't walk anymore.  He was trying to chew them off.  Frustrated, I decided to take them off before he ruined them and he bit me!  This was a shock because Bruiser doesn't bite his people.  He'll bite other dogs but not his people.  So I had to wrestle those booties off him and avoid some flashing tiny teeth doing it!  Luckily for me he's a rather pussy biter, which makes me wonder what kind of pussies those groomers were who couldn't handle him for a haircut!

Bruiser will never be a bootie wearing dog.

My discount puppy

I have a hairy family member named Bruiser.  He's been with my family for the last 13 years.  He was a discount puppy.  I'd been shopping for a certain type of dog with a certain kind of hair (I have allergies) and found a breeder.  She called to let me know she had 3, 6 month old puppies at half price if I wanted to come take a look at them.  They weren't the breed I wanted but had the right hair type so I went to meet them.  They were Shi-tzu/Maltese mixes.  They were all freshly bathed when we showed up.  They didn't look good...they were still dripping wet.  My oldest daughter completely fell in love with one right off the bat.  I was relieved because at least that one didn't have an overbite like his brothers.  I remember thinking that I never thought I'd have a dog like that.  A little hairball type. Not exactly my style but I missed having dogs since my allergies developed so had limited options to choose from anymore.  We brought the little hairball home. 

My wary purchase of this pup changed the rest of my life.  I grew up with dogs.  Normal dogs.  Dogs that like to run in fields.  (Maybe I shouldn't say normal...our English Setter, Commander, used to go into perfect points at tricycles.)

Here he is with the kids shortly after I brought him home.  It was around Xmas time so he would have been 1 year old when this was taken.  My youngest, Ben, (red head) is now 22 years old.

Bruiser has health issues.  He has overactive sebaceous glands.  He can get oozing sores from this and it requires regular bathing to remove excess oils from his skin.  I've also discovered that removing corn meal from his diet really helps!  So Bruiser needs lots of baths.  He also has allergies.  He licks his feet all the time.  He skips over crab grass in the cracks on the sidewalks because he doesn't like it when grass pokes his feet.  His skin is sensitive.  He scratches a lot.  Sometimes he cries cause he needs to scratch so much.  Because of all the bathing, he is prone to ear infections.  I found all this out when he was a puppy and was worried about his quality of life.  The vet said that it's just part of being Bruiser.  I've learned that dogs don't sit around feeling sorry for themselves...they don't compare themselves to the dog next door and feel like they missed out on something.  Their nature is to accept their lot in life and make the best of it.  She assured me he would have a happy life even with itchy skin.  She was right!

One of the first differences between Bruiser and my childhood dogs, was the hair issues.  Bruiser requires grooming and haircuts.  I never had a dog that needed haircuts before.  Bruiser doesn't like haircuts.  He REALLY doesn't like haircuts!  The first few groomers we took him to told us not to bring him back because of the biting.  Biting??  Bruiser doesn't bite!  Except if you are a groomer I guess.  They tried to muzzle him but since he has a weird shaped jaw, the muzzle wouldn't stay on, so they didn't want him back.  In this wee beastie's life there has only been one groomer that Bruiser liked.  My daughter's mother-in-law Carol.  He truly loves her!  But since she's family I didn't want to take advantage so instead decided to learn how to groom him myself.  My first try was a miserable experience.  One of my kids held him down while I buzzed him.  He wasn't cooperative and looked pretty stupid by the time it was done.  So I got a DVD to learn how to do it.  It showed me some clever tricks!  I was excited to try them out.  First was to leash him for control.  I wanted to be able to do this for myself.  It didn't go well.  I truly think Bruiser would commit suicide by strangulation on his leash before he'd stand still for a hair buzzer!

There was another cool thing they showed me.  If you lifted one leg the dog will be forced to stand on the other while you buzz him.  It kind of immobilized him and forced him to cooperate.  I decided to do this with Bruiser.  I lifted his hind leg, forcing him to stand still on his other hind leg while I buzzed him.  It didn't turn out quite like I expected.  I lifted his leg and he lifted his other and then was dangling by one leg from my hand and we were no closer to him getting a haircut than before!  At this point I realized that the people who made that DVD weren't dealing with a Bruiser!  I had a unique (and problematic) pup!  So I threw the DVD out and resigned myself to needing 2 people for haircuts...one to hold him down while the other buzzes.  We're now pretty good at it but he still looks pretty stupid for about 2 weeks after, until his hair grows out!  He has freckles on his pink skin that you can see thru the fuzz we leave on his hide.  Not attractive!  Luckily he doesn't care at all! 

When I was a kid I loved to take my dogs out in the fields and run with them.  Taking long walks thru the countryside, enjoying nature together.  I decided to take Bruiser to a field and go running around with me.  We drove out, I took him out of the car and put him down and he froze.  I tried to pull on the leash, convinced that he would love it if he just gave it a chance.  Running in fields is what dogs love!  I realized I had a dog impostor that day.  He absolutely refused to have anything to do with running in fields.  He wanted to go back in the car.  Short of carrying him or dragging him around by the throat, I had to admit there would be no field running with the Bruise.  Ever.  So he wasn't a dog-type dog.  This has played out in various ways over the years.  Most dogs love to be outside.  Bruiser has finally, in his old age, started to enjoy sitting in the sun to warm his old bones.  It wasn't always like that.  I'd be outside working in the yard, with him to keep me company, and he would go to the top of the steps and cry to go in the house.  I'd try to shame him by asking him if he was a dog.  Real dogs love to be outside!  He would ignore me and beg to go in.  I'd finally give in, just to shut him up.  He is a talker!

He wasn't always a talker.  Part of the reason I got a dog was for protection.  Not that I think Bruiser would defend any of us, but a barking dog is supposed to be a deterrent to criminals.  Shortly after he came home with us, I realized we had a problem.  Bruiser wasn't a barker!  We had to train him to bark...to announce visitors.  He really sucks at it...he usually won't bark at them until you've had them in the house visiting for a bit.  (eye roll)  But we got him to be more vocal and he hasn't shut up since.  Except when visitors arrive.  Then it's like standing on a street in an abandoned town with tumbleweeds blowing thru it.

This post is probably long enough.  I will write more later.  I feel a need to tell people about my pup.  He's now 13.5 yrs old and has been showing symptoms of dementia the past couple of years.  At least the progress is slow and he still recognizes his people.  It's a painful thing to acknowledge that your time with a pet is limited.  We're in a long good-bye right now.  Life has changed and now I'm in maintenance mode.  Managing his various issues as best I can and watching him to make sure he's still enjoying life.  It can be hard to tell!  He can have a raging ear infection and you won't know unless you dig in his ears regularly.  Lucky for him I do.  So if he's suffering, it could be difficult to tell.  So I pay attention and hope that I make the right calls.  So far I think we're ok.  I've had a couple of sessions with him where I thought we were heading to the end and he made a comeback.  My Mom told me that he'll let me know when it's time.  I'll know.  So far, it isn't time.  I know it's coming tho.  He's the best dog I've ever had.  I don't plan to have another when he leaves me.  He'll be the last.

Delusions

I just read my daughter's most recent blog posting about how rude people can be, even inadvertently, to special needs children and their parents.  And I felt ashamed because I've been trying to convince her that she's being too hyper-sensitive and has to be imagining it.  It can't be that bad right? 

I wish it wasn't.  I really do!  But I realized, by reading her blog and then thinking back to some of my own experiences with Penelope out in public, that I've become very practiced at ignoring people over the years.  I've had years to develop a reasonably thick skin myself, because of my own weirdness and have become highly skilled at ignoring people who don't matter to me in my life.  Because they don't.  And that means I purposely ignore most people.  This allows me to imagine that the world is a kinder place than it truly is.  And I think people suck more than many others so that's even sadder than it sounds!  But even as cynical as I can be, I'm still deluding myself about the people I co-habitate this planet with. 

Based on my own insides, I think the main reason people act badly is that they don't know how to act when anything unusual comes across their paths.  I make a point not to stare at people.  I make a smile and try to convey kindness when I make eye contact.  I try to treat them like I would anyone else.  Unless they appear to be having trouble of some sort.  I'll help short ladies get packages off high shelves in grocery stores so that is also like what I would do for anyone.  I try to put myself in their shoes and think that I would prefer to go about my business without being stared at or having people leap to my aid or make a special fuss over me.   Mostly I think most people are "rude" because they lack empathy.  Not because they intend to be unkind.  Or maybe that's me being delusional again?

There are some who are so self centered they are rude for their own entertainment.  I think of them as sociopaths.  They are incapable of real feelings as most human beings experience them.  Empathy is outside their capabilities.  They don't understand...they are incapable.  I went to school with some of these people.  Mean Girls (kind of like the movie - they seemed to run in packs) who seemed to find grand entertainment in belittling and tormenting their less socially accepted classmates. 

I was an outsider in school so I had sympathy for these targets.  I was a weird kid.  I got that.  I wasn't much of a target. Possibly because I'm tall and solid compared to many females. Not your typical weaker target in the physical sense. I was a tom boy. I'm weirdly strong. Once a co-worker figured that out he got me into arm wrestling and I even won and made a little money doing it! I could beat my male co-workers in an arm wrestling match. That drove them bat shit! I'm really not a girly girl. Except I do love pretty shoes!  I would occasionally (rarely) defend some of those targets too if what was going on just seemed too cruel.  I had my own issues and wasn't up to doing much!  I'm not much of an orator when I'm angry so I think I shocked the tormentors more by the fact that I'd stand up to them, than by anything I actually managed to spit out.

And even with this understanding I've been more than willing to be snobby and bitchy about others that have "defects" I don't care for. 

I used to be something of a "man hater" back in my 20's.  Blaming them for everything bad in my life.  It was so easy!  Let's say my main male role models didn't win any awards.  The females in my life were very dominant.  Men aren't trained from birth to be in touch with their feelings and can fumble around astronomically trying to figure it out.  I realized, finally, that they had feelings too!  They wanted love and comfort and security too.  When I gave birth to my son I decided it was time to take a hard look at myself.  I had a man to raise and I wanted to do a good job.  Which meant I needed to do a major paradigm shift!  I needed to own my own problems and poor decision making abilities.  Not their fault!  I found out I tended to do better when I wasn't in a relationship and didn't have anyone to blame my troubles on except for myself.  (Hmmmm starting to have some sympathy for Ken in the future...)

I was jealous of the rich and decided they were all lazy and selfish and unworthy of my friendship.  I suffered!  I understood how to survive!  They were clueless wastes of skin.  I have been such a HUGE pain in the ass in some ways!!  Now I have known some rich folk.  Some of them are very generous, wonderful caring people!  And I used to write them off as a group.  Lame of me.

I can be a snob about liberals.  When I was dating that was one of the deal breakers...I didn't date Democrats.  Flat out.  There are enough things to argue about in the world.  I figured I could easily avoid that by not dating any.  Luckily Ken shares my viewpoints to no fights over that!  But there is a purpose to both sides.  I get enough attitude from the other side that I don't waste much time feeling bad about being snobby sometimes tho. 

I'm a snob about religious people.  Seems like there is a cliche for everything!  They can talk you in mad circles with those cliches, all with a sainted smile on their faced.  Once again, not a particularly appealing attitude.  But frankly religion makes me tired so I avoid discussing it.  It's pointless.  Plus I don't have any interest in converting anyone to being agnostic and prefer it if they don't try to convert me back to being christian.  Won't work.  Like I said, pointless.

I think getting married is a stupid thing to do.  Like making it legal means your relationship will last?  Really??  I think gays are being idiots because they had the proverbial get out of jail free card on this point and they're blowing it!  If they want to be that stupid, it's their prerogative!  I doubt I will ever marry again, unless some financial advisor convinces Ken and I that it's in our best financial interests to do so.  I can spend the rest of my life with him without making it legal and be quite content!

I'm getting off point here.  Or maybe I'm right on point?  I sit and think how I'm better than those folks who left the playground after Penelope and I showed up, because I don't stare at people who have disabilities.  I don't make snarky comments about little kids/adults with various issues.  I try to treat them with kindness and respect.  But look out for the folks who don't think about the world like I do!  Though to be fair to myself, I may think these things but I also treat those folks with respect for their right to think differently than me.  I don't make a habit of insulting them and their beliefs.  I sometimes try to make an attempt to meet in the middle somewhere.  I'm an American.  I believe in the right to think about the world differently.  It's one thing this nation was based on.  I believe in that to the core of my being.  It's part of my nationality. 

Back to the delusions...I think we probably all do this.  Because facing the reality of how badly people act is just too awful!  Thinking about what we ourselves do, in the harsh light of reality, is too painful to accept.  It's easier to do like I do, ignore it, push it aside, rationalize it away.  To feel superior for the things you do right and rationalize what you do wrong.  It's part of being human.  We are all slaves to our primal Id, that snarling animal that lurks in us all.  Thankfully our Ego can fight it down and win, hopefully more often than not!  It's what keeps our civilization as civil as it is. 

I worry about my granddaughter.  She's too little to understand that people are being rude about her because she looks/acts a little different than your typical kid.  But that is a temporary condition.  She will mature.  But many of her issues will be outgrown also, though probably not fast enough for her to avoid having to deal with the pain of people staring and acting like tards.  If people could just treat each other with some kindness and basic respect it would make such a vast difference in the world!!  But believing that that is possible is just another delusion.

Unexpected benefits - http://ppweaver.blogspot.com

Last weekend was really good!  I have a cold so on Saturday I gave into it and it was such a relief to just rest all day.  I really needed it.  I felt much better on Sunday, which is good because Sunday was busy.  Started the day by taking my daughter, Lacey and my granddaughter, Penelope, to the Children's Museum.  We were treated by fate that day and discovered that Target sponsors free 3rd Sundays at the Children's Museum, plus our parking was free at the Macy's ramp on Sundays!  What a nice surprise treat! 

I enjoyed my time with them, like I always do.  Penelope was in top form.  Smiling and flirty and entertaining.  There was so much to do at the Museum that she hardly knew were to begin!  She especially likes wheels where she can pretend to drive.  Driving is Penelope's thing!  We wore her out and then went to grab some lunch.  Had a nice chat over lunch. 

Lacey & I have been talking about her blog lately.  She has been savoring her free time since the semester wrapped up but has also been feeling a bit uncomfortable about the rather hero worshipping type responses she gets to her entries.  She keeps hearing how "they could never do what she does". 

A little background on this...my granddaughter Penelope is a special needs child.  She has Weaver Syndrome.  Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaver_syndrome  if you want more info as the issues are varied and it's difficult to sum up in a quick way.  It's very rare and her doctors are excited to have her - she is a rare opportunity for them! 

She is doing very well and Lacey & Chris (Pen's daddy) are getting a lot of support from the medical/educational community.  Lacey started the blog to help people learn about the condition, hoping to make it less scary for the next couple who has a child diagnosed with the syndrome.  Lacey & Chris had a tough time with it for a while until they finally dug in, dusted off and got on with life.  There are phases you go through when you find out that your life with your child isn't going to be what you expected.  It's like grieving a death.  The death of a dream.  But then you embrace the reality and they've found out that's pretty wonderful too! 

They struggled to find out what they were in for.  There isn't a lot of information available out there yet.  Weaver babies are rare.  There is a blog on yahoo and that was helpful but it can be a lonely diagnosis since no one seems to have ever heard of it.  For example, with Downs Syndrome, people recognize that and have some understanding of the syndrome.  They have some idea what to expect.  Weaver has a fairly distinct look also, but no one would know it in the general public because it's so rare.  They just see that she's somehow "different".  They don't understand how or why. 

Penelope is now part of medical history as her genes are being included in a study of Weaver that's going on in Canada.  Lacey's blog is another way to try to help spread information, from the view of a person who is living with it.  Hoping to make it less scary for others!

Lacey is a good writer.  She writes like she's having a conversation with you, which makes it very readable.  She has developed a fan base.  She is uncomfortable with the level of admiration she receives though.  On the one hand, she deserves it, because there is a lot of work and dedication involved in raising a special needs child.  She and Chris have proven to be a great team and Penelope is a very lucky little girl to have such loving, supportive parents. 

The "I could never do what you're doing" comment that Lacey gets so often is sad if it's true.  I'd hope that anyone who became a parent of a SN child would step up and do what their child needs them to do!  I mean, what are you going to do?  Trade your baby in for a "normal" child?  Ignore the child's needs?  Really??  It is a rather silly thing to say when you think about it.  When you're a parent, you do what needs to be done for your kids.  It could happen to anyone.  It did.  It happened to Lacey & Chris.  They became parents of a SN child.  And they have a very happy family!

I think she feels like the blog is becoming self serving or something because she didn't write it to gain all this admiration.  But I (see, I'm gonna take a bit of credit here) pointed out that this admiration/fan base gives her a platform.  She can make a difference!  By continuing to tell her story, she helps people understand more about what the parents of a SN child go through.  And most importantly, she shares more about life with a Weaver child.  There have been many trials but she writes about the tough stuff as well as the good.  There is more good than bad luckily!  Not all parents of SN children are that lucky.  Some have a much tougher time and also need every one's understanding and support!

Little Miss Penelope has touched so many lives and made us all better for knowing her!  And maybe her Mommy, by writing a blog about life with her, will make life better for some other little kids and their parents because of her.  Maybe others will understand a bit better or be kinder or just not feel as alone because of it.

I was fantasizing about life after Bruiser this morning...

I am a disgruntled waste of skin today. 

This past weekend was a bit rough with my little Bruiser and me.  We had thunderstorms.  At night.  Which means he stresses and I don't get much sleep. 

I tried cuddling him and showing him that storms aren't scary.  Didn't work.  He pulled away, fussed and cried.  I tried putting him in my bathroom because often the small room seems to make him feel safer.  Didn't work.  He barked and scratched the door.  I put him in the bathroom at the other end of the house so I could try to ignore him.  Didn't work.  He had a shit fiesta in there that I got to clean up in the wee hours.  I got to run in and out of the storm with the shitty mess, hauling it out to the trash.  So I got soaked.  In the middle of the night.  When I should have been sleeping. 

At 5 AM the storm finally had cleared out so I crawled back into bed.  Bruiser wanted his breakfast and started barking at me.  I threw a pillow at him and he finally let me be.  So I got to sleep for an hour before he started at me again. 

I got a short nap in the afternoon but Bruiser woke me up because he wanted supper.  I don't think Bruiser likes it when I sleep. 

I thought last night would be better since there were no thunderstorms scheduled.  I was wrong.  At midnight he got me up to let him out.  I've learned the hard way not to ignore that unless I want to clean up a shit fiesta.  I already had the privilege of cleaning up a shit fiesta on thunderstorm night so wasn't interested in a repeat. 

Then at 4 AM he decided he was hungry and would click, click, click around by his food dish waiting for me to get up and fill it.  Well, I got up!  And I made him come in the room and shut the door so he couldn't click, click, click at me anymore.  (the clicking is his toenails on linoleum)  Next his scratchfest ensued.  Sigh.  He doesn't scratch quietly.  I honestly think that's the point.  He wants me to wake up and mess with him.  This is a dog who won't shake a paw with you unless you offer him a treat.  He knows how to do it, but he won't, unless bribed.  He's not stupid.  He's also not eager to please...you are supposed to please him...not the other way around.

He plays his "wake up mom" games on the down low for as long as he thinks it might work without having to get in my face and risk pissing me off.  So he clicks and scratches and paces and whines a bit and rattles his dog tags.  Until a bit before my alarm went off...then he decided to risk pissing me off and began barking at me.  He wanted his breakfast. 

I got stubborn.  I did give up on sleep and toddled off to the bath but was NOT going to feed the little bastard until after my bath.  We have a process and I'm sticking to it dammit!  So I got serenaded by his barking festival all thru my bath.  For a while I just lay there with my head under the water to try to shut him out.  Then I realized I desperately needed to go to work just to get away from him.  So I got moving. 

On a final note, on my way out the door, as I was slipping on my tennis shoes, I stepped in a little turd he'd left for me by the front door.  Gross.  I cannot even express to you how utterly sick to death I am of cleaning that dog's arse almost every time he comes in the door and getting up at all hours all the time to make sure he doesn't have an accident and cleaning up after the many accidents he does have.  I feel like if I get thru a day without dealing with Bruiser's shit, it's a good day! 

This morning I was dreaming of a day when I can be sad that Bruiser has died but I'll be able to sleep thru the night and I won't have to clean poopy dog butt every day and I won't be barked at when I try to enjoy a hot soak in the tub and I won't have to walk in any more grody surprises when I'm trying to head to work in the AM.  I can grieve...but it will be peaceful.  Unlike my life with my geriatric dog.

some memories of times with my Grandpa Art & Grandma Calma

Grandma would curse those damned blackbirds!  (they took food away from the birds and squirrels she liked)
Grandma had the most fantastically delicious oatmeal...indescribably good!  And she never gave me the secret.  Oh, she acted like she did, but it never worked.  So that oatmeal will live on in my memories and only in my memories.
Grandpa driving us (slowly) to the Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone, on warm summer evenings
Pink mints
Playing cards - Grandma cheated.  She had a slanted mirror that she'd use to see our hands.  She denied it but nothing stopped her.
Helping Grandma clean the church.  I loved being in the church when no one else was there.
Daisy
Having tea (juice) in the tea set in the basement
Grandpa's John Deere tractor collection...I loved those tractors!
The giant cookies that she kept in the big jar on the floor by the fridge...molasses were my favorites
Her perfumes and the pretty bottles they came in.  They smelled so good! 
The push mower and the water barrel were endlessly fascinating
She knitted us (Stacey & I) ponchos and we put on our Sunday best and went to the Hub for brunch with Grandma and her card ladies
Grandma's sassy sense of humor and ability to tell stories
Her laughter...she really did have the best chuckle ever
I miss that.

some things I remember about time spent with my Grandma and Grandpa Blessum

Fields of tiger lilies...as far as my eyes could see
Being scared of the noises in the furnace room - we were sure Grandpa was hiding some scary creature in there
Being thrown up in the air by my grandpa when we drove out to the farm to bring him lunch
Grandpa rubbing noses with me when I came back down into his arms
The smell of my grandpa's garage...gas, dirt, oil, heavenly
Grandma's cat's eye glasses and flaming red hair
Great Grandma making donuts all over her basement house, her VW Beetle, sleeveless shirts and many necklaces
Everyone smoked...even my Mom tried to fake it
First thing when we got to Grandma's house, we'd look for salamanders in the window wells and usually found some
Playing in the dirt behind grandpa's garage with our little cars
Singing together in Grandma's piano room
Running all over town, without supervision, ultimate freedom!
Grandpa catching us between his legs and vibrating us till our teeth were loose
Grandpa making french toast
Grandma having grapefruit sectioned and sweetened for us every morning
How we'd get all dressed up for Xmas Eve when we were there for Xmas - I thought my Mom was so beautiful!
Family/cousins EVERYWHERE!!
Hugs...lots of hugs
Grandma would wave us good-bye until she couldn't see us anymore and we would wave back
I miss that.

I'm growing some whiskers!

I have a little whisker growing on my chin right now.  It's distracting.  I keep fondling it!  It's so weird to be getting these odd little hairs/whiskers here and there.  Part of the joy of aging from what I hear.  I certainly didn't expect this to happen when I was in my 20's!  Yeah, a wrinkle here and there, some fat and some sags.  I expected that.  But not the little whiskers on my chin. 

I can tell it's a whisker because it's dark and thick, just like a whisker!  I pluck them out.  I don't need a collection starting on my chin.  Ken might find that to be a turn off.  Or would he?  You never know with that man!  He can be perverse!  I have to keep up with the plucking/trimming because if I don't, I'll start looking like one of those women they use in films to play evil teachers that scare little children.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  Yes, you do!

I have to trim one of them because I've plucked it twice and ended up with a heinous ingrown hair that turned into a boil.  It looked like a boil.  Or a heinous zit.  Or something.  It was repulsive!  So it will be trimmed daily.  What will happen when I'm old and senile? Who will know to trim versus pluck my whiskers?  I probably won't look very good when I get senile.  But I'll be senile so I won't care.  Small favors right?

There aren't enough whiskers for me to do anything fun with them.  Like stroke them and do evil laughs. Curses!

stress and positive thinking

I got the list of tasks I need to do to make my home qualify for the certificate of compliance.  I have to bring it to this level for the park to allow anyone else to purchase it and keep it on the lot.  It was a long list. 

After the initial depression set in I sat down to read it again and realized that, for the most part, it wasn't unexpected.  And while it's a lot of work, it probably isn't horrifically expensive.  It won't be cheap but I could do it, a bit at a time and still get it on the market this summer. 

The next step is to talk to a realtor about options.  Before I put any money into the house I need to know if it's worth it to do so.  I need a realtor for that.  So I looked around my house last night and figured I should get everything cleaned up and pretty looking before I invite a realtor over.  I want it to look as inviting as it can and hopefully get a good first impression before I start telling the realtor about it's various issues.  So this weekend (and this week) I will be cleaning!  The sooner I make some decisions, the better.

I think I'm handling this pretty well.  I'm tamping down my fears, worries and stress like a pro!  I'm working very hard to keep a positive, can-do attitude!  But deep inside I have this sinking feeling.  It's like an uncomfortable lump in my tummy.  Makes me want to cry sometimes.  I feel a sense of desperation.  Is there some way out of this?  Is there some way I can just be done with my house without seriously damaging my finances?  Or killing myself off physically doing repairs to try to save some money?  Then, when the panic sets in, I tell myself how I can do this and to stop being afraid and worried.  Take it a step at a time, but keep pushing.  But the panic is there.  Just under the surface.  It makes me wonder how well I'll get thru this process?  I fight off the deeper panic, that I won't be able to sell it.  Of course I'll be able to sell it!  Right?

It's been a while since I've had to deal with a lot of stress.  I'm not used to it.  When I've been stressed over my kid's lives I was able to detach on some level because it is their lives and their problems.  Do what I can and leave the rest to them.  This time it's on me.  I've vaguely worried about this but now the process has started and it's no longer a vague worry that I don't have to deal with yet.  I have to deal with it now.  And for the foreseeable future.  It's not making my tummy happy!

I need to go to the next North Metro Volunteers meeting and inform them that I need to step away from the group this summer and deal with this project.  I won't be doing the Relay for Life.  If they want to do it, I'll pass along contact info.  If not, I'll let the Relay folks know we're stepping out of it this year. 

I'm going to make an effort to take good care of myself in the coming months.  I need to be well rested and healthy to deal with this best.  I am also going to blog here to relieve tension or at least just vent it, and I'm also going to lean on my friends and family for support and the occasional pep talk.  It'll be OK and one of these days, this house will be sold and I will be free!

Ok, that was really, really negative...

Guess what I'm doing?  I'll give you a hint...it's what I do most of the time lately.  I'm doing nothing.  I'm sitting here at work bored out of my fucking mind again!!! 

I need the money so here I sit.  I hate what I do for a living sometimes.  The past few days of work I have hated intensely.  I wish I could quit and go find something more fulfilling.  I feel like the invisible woman around here.  At least I make good money to sit here and dick off most of the day.  I feel like a whore in a way.  Selling my life for money. 

Ok, that was really, really negative.  It's honestly how I feel right now but that was really, really negative.  I need to try to improve my mood now since I'll possibly get a downer in the mail from the Park office today. 

Last Friday I was drinking at the neighbor's and they told me the park had been by to inspect my house that day.  So the requirements for the Certificate of Compliance should be imminent!  On the one hand I'm excited to finally get it and get some answers and on the other hand I expect it will be depressing to actually see everything they expect me to do to my house in order to sell it on the lot. 

I forgot my gum at home dammit.  I really would like minty fresh breath.  Not gonna get it today.  Sigh.

Geez!  I wonder if I even want to blog about my house?  I probably should since it's stressing me out.  I got a valuation notice from the county on Friday.  THAT was depressing!!  They valued it at around $10K if I understood it correctly.  REALLY??  I think that's total bullshit!  But on the flip side, my taxes are lower because of it.  Maybe it's not such a bad thing that it really needs a paint job and new windows!  See, I found a silver lining :)  I doubt they drive by to look at it tho.  Probably some sort of table they use and has nothing to do with my actual house.  So my silver lining is probably a puff of imaginary smoke. 

I'm thinning out my stuff at home.  I feel good about that!  Made some good progress yesterday in my bedroom closet.  Would have gotten more done if I hadn't have spent the majority of Saturday recovering from a mini-hangover that made my ass drag.  Oh well.  Another silver lining...not so interested in having any alcohol any time soon.  The memories of the nagging headache and twisting guts are too fresh.  Maybe it was the eggs?  I ate a lot of eggs on Sat. but I also had beer, whiskey-sours and limoncello shots on Fri. night so probably a combo deal. 

1.5 hrs left of torture, I mean work, to go!  Maybe I'll bake banana bread when I get home tonight.  Something to ponder.

I could freak out pretty easy today.  I'm bored, restless and irritable.  I'm stressed.  I'm onery.  I'm sure you thought I was a ray of sunshine but you couldn't be more wrong!  In order to get it all straight in my head I'm going to outline all of the stuff that is stressing me out:

>  My dog, Bruiser, has been having accidents more often than not lately.  It's now more normal to come home to a poopy mess than not to.  He seems to be having tummy problems despite the fact that I have him on a prescription bland food diet.  This worries me.  At least he appears to be happy enough.  He's always been lazy and that hasn't changed.  He has moments where he is pesty and barks at me and bounces around.  His appetite is good.  If he was sick, this wouldn't be the case.  I don't want to deal with having him put down but lately it's appearing that I may have to deal with this sooner rather than later.  Maybe.  I hope not.  I love my stinky wee beastie!!  My Mom wants to take him if I end up doing open houses to sell my house.  I think she wants to take him permanently.  She loves him too.  I have to think about that.  I don't know if I'm ready to give him up, tho I know my mother would probably take better care of him than I have and I know he'd be very loved.  But it's hard to think of giving him up.  At least not as bad as putting him down.  Some hard stuff coming my way with my pup.

>  I need to sell my house this summer.  That probably is enough said.  It's a stressful thing to do.  I've lived there 14 yrs (I found paperwork when I was thinning stuff out yesterday and can confirm 14 yrs).  While I'm excited to move the prospect of selling my home is daunting to me.  I've never done it before for starters.  I have to fight with myself constantly to keep from panicking that it won't sell and that I'll be trapped in Minnesota for another year.  Or more. 

>  I need money.  Ok - I'm trying to sell my house and realized that when I sell my house I need money for a deposit on an apartment.  Where is this money going to come from??  At the moment that is a mystery to me.  It's also a major concern. 

>  I'm moving to UT once the house is sold... in a year, when my lease is up.  I have work stuff to deal with before I go.  I'm excited to move to UT and live with Ken.  I'm also scared to death to leave my family, friends and work to do it.  And it hurts to think of leaving all these people I love and not being able to see them when I want to. 

>  I don't know what my job situation will be.  Given the economy, that is another big stress factor.  At the moment I have a job, even tho I'm far from loving it.  It pays good money and the people are very nice to work with.  My main problem with it is the utter boredom I suffer on a regular basis.  But starting over in a new situation is a scary concept.

That's just the stuff flying around in my head at this moment.  There's more if I dare to let myself think but I'm trying to avoid doing that any more than is necessary. 

I am unable to end this all light and fluffy.  I still have an hour and 10 minutes before I'm set free from my prison, I mean work. 

need more pictures!

I've been dreadfully bored the past couple of days at work so have scanned some other bloggers.  I've realized I need more pictures!  The problem is that I rarely blog when I'm at home.  I actually have things to do there, unlike at work.  Well, sometimes I'm busy at work but then I go thru these sloggy periods, like now.  It's just because I'm too awesome at doing my job!!

Now I have to figure out how to get more pictures into my blog so that it looks less intimidating.  Blogs that looks like novels tend to make me skip by.  Or maybe I should leave mine like this?  Then it is more like a personal exercise than anything I have to worry about people reading.  Things to ponder!

Sociability, or lack thereof...

It's a slow afternoon at work today and I haven't blogged for a while so, here I am.  Blogging.  Not sure what to blog about.  I have some things weighing heavy on my mind lately but am not ready to discuss them in a potentially public forum.  The thing is, there is an outside risk that someone will actually READ this blog and find out stuff about me.  I sort of use it as mental therapy but have to curb some of that because it is, after all, a blog. 

I just read my daughter's blog about not answering the phone.  My response is to be proud of her for taking care of herself!  Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and decide that you just can't do it for everyone...that it's too much and you need to shift focus more closely to survive your own life.

I'm a person who needs a lot of "me" time.  Being social is a stressor for me.  I tend to be very content in my own head...I like myself.  When I am social I feel expectations piling on after a while and need to defuse.  Not everyone is like this.  I gave birth to at least one who is highly social so I know.  I had some issues living with her trail of guests coming and going thru my home.  That stressed me out!  Nice kids but they were invading my "cave" and interrupting my regular hibernation time.  I don't welcome unexpected visitors.  I behave but inside I'm resentful.  This is me.  I have some weird quirks. 

Back when I used to party I had to do a mental work up before I went out, to get myself in the mood to talk to people.  It's not my basic nature to be sociable.  I'm more inclined to sit back and watch.  I study people.  I find them fascinating.  By doing this I have gained some unusual insight into people and why they do what they do.  This is helpful when people need advice, unless I give them advice they don't like.  I do that fairly often.  Unlike a lot of people, I don't see the benefit to beating a dead horse.  And some situations are like that.  Some folks come to me thinking I can tell them how to change someone else.  And I can, possibly, but doing this requires changing your own behavior first.  That often doesn't go over well.  The only person you ultimately control is yourself.  The only person you can change is yourself.  BUT when you change, it often forces behavior changes in others.  And these can be unpredictable.  There is no guarantee of a positive result.  There is a chance at least.  Which is better than if you keep doing what you're doing and expecting a different result.  Only place that might work, that pops into my mind, is flipping a coin.  Not changing a partner's behavior to meet your needs.  Besides, I think people should be accepted as they are or let go, so they can find someone who accepts them as they are.  It's kind of stinky to hang on to someone you don't really like because of who you think you can make them into.  Really stinky!  

Anyways, my parents are both very social folks.  Very warm and approachable.  I've watched them and learned how to do it.  I can fake it to some extent.  It's like giving a speech...I'm scared to death inside but from the outside I look confident and at ease.  I took a speech class in college and learned that I'm a pretty good public speaker despite the enormous internal distress the act causes me.  It was good to know that I come off positively since my job involves training and speaking up on occasion.  Now I can do that with a level of confidence.  To get back to the point, this ability to act warm and friendly puts others at ease and can start the interaction.  It's a valuable skill. 

My siblings are similar.  I think our parents sometimes wondered where we came from.  I remember one winter day when they decided we should go out and play.  None of us wanted to.  We must have been driving them nuts.  We wanted to stay in the basement and play barbies, like normal.  We had our own social group and really didn't need neighbor kids to increase our fun.  Anyway, they bundled us up and made us go out.  They even locked the doors so we couldn't sneak back in.  If I didn't know my parents I would think they just wanted some time to fool around but I can pretty much guarantee that was NOT what was going on.  Anyway, we huddled around the dryer vent (Mom was doing laundry) and waited for them to get tired of trying to make us play with the neighbors.  They finally relented, voicing some disgust over our choice of activity on such a beautiful winter's day. 

My Mom was a homecoming princess and my Dad was one of the handsomest men in town.  They were busy and social and then we came along.  We put a pretty big crimp in their social life!  They had a hard time finding babysitters who would babysit us more than once.  We were intelligent, energetic and all had dominant personalities.  I was probably the most dominant, being the oldest.  I was used to getting my younger siblings to do what I wanted.  When our parents left, we took over.  We wouldn't listen unless they did what we wanted - we were highly skilled blackmailers.  I remember one gal who knitted who had to spend the evening teaching us to knit to keep us out of trouble.  Another one drew so she got to draw pictures for us all night.  We'd post a look-out at the basement window to put out the alarm when our parents drove up.  Then we'd fly to our beds, leaping under the covers and feigning sleep.  If the sitters ever told on us, I don't recall hearing about it.  I don't recall our parents ever coming in, knowing we weren't asleep, to scold us for not listening to the sitter. I'd like to think the sitters liked us but since they didn't often return, maybe they didn't find us all that charming.

I'm not exactly anti-social.  I'm quite chatty on facebook and can talk a person's ear off if I feel comfortable with them.  I just don't need to do it that often and if I do it too often it becomes a stressor.  I know that some of my skills were learned watching my parents.  I used to think of myself as socially retarded because I was horribly shy when I was young.  I remember running home crying for various reasons when I was in early grade school.  At this date I can't remember why but I know it had to do with being in front of everyone and feeling humiliated or embarrassed or scared.  I dreaded being asked to answer a question.  I didn't want to be noticed.  My teachers rarely cooperated with this. 

At least I outgrew most of that nonsense!  I wouldn't say I'm shy anymore.  I'm pretty confident and comfortable approaching people.  But one thing has stuck after all these years, and it's my basic need for "me" time, and plenty of it!  At this point in my life I have TONS of me time!  And I'm pretty happy about it 98% of the time.  It is rare when I feel the urge to go out and be with people.  It does happen sometimes tho. 

Tonight I'm going to a play with some family members.  I'm not in the mood, to be really honest.  It's been a busy week and I would prefer to curl up at home with a good book and some wine and go to bed early, rather than go out and be among people.  But since I love my family I'll suck it up, be a sport and go.  And I know I'll enjoy myself in spite of myself!  I don't have my daughter's excuse...I'm not swamped with raising a child or school so I can easily get my "me" time later. 

I'm really proud of her for taking care of herself and her family so well.  Let the others figure it out for themselves...they will.  And hopefully they will be understanding but if not, well, that's life, isn't it?

my thoughts on marriage

Recently Ken & I have gotten inquiries as to when we're going to get married.  This is a rather uncomfortable question for us as neither of us is particularly enamored with the idea of marriage but don't want to offend anyone by our lack of interest in that particular institution.  I'm pondering if I should make a statement about it on facebook, to say it once and for all and exactly WHAT to say about it eludes me.

I'm one of those abnormal women who was born missing the "I need to get married" gene.  Kinda surprising since I've been married twice!  But neither marriage was for the usual reasons. 

One was for money and timing - I felt it was time to have one more child before Lee got too much older.  He had money, he asked and I was beyond tired of being on welfare and malnourished and constantly struggling to survive financially.  I figured I could grow to love him like the old days.  I justified my decision by looking to history when people got married to reinforce alliances, build power bases and for financial security.  People could get married without love and it worked for them, so why not for me?  Turned out that was a pretty stupid plan and I was filing for divorce after 4 months of marriage.  I couldn't stand him and despite his protests to the contrary, he didn't seem to really like anything about me except my looks.  On the flip side I managed to get pregnant with Lacey during that time so I have no regrets.  I would do every bit of it again to get her.  It's nice to not have regrets! 

My second marriage was actually to a man I loved but it wasn't because I loved him.  Or maybe it was in a way.  His paperwork got messed up and he was looking at deportation.  He would have lost everything he'd worked so hard for!  Plus, at the time, I was not ready to say good-bye to him.  I offered to marry him if he couldn't get the paperwork issues worked out.  We ended up getting married.  We stayed married for 7 years...much longer than I expected we would, but we were happy enough.  In the end I forced some issues and we decided it was time to part ways.  If he wouldn't have needed me to marry him, I wouldn't have ever considered it for the very reasons we ended up divorcing.  I knew he wanted kids but I already had 3 and my tubes were tied and after some soul searching I had to finally admit I didn't want more - not even to keep him.  I had a wonderful time with him and love him to this day so once again, no regrets.  I hope he gets what he wants in life.  I'm getting what I wanted and feel good about my decision.

I guess I've never gotten the attraction of the whole marriage thing.  I know some women go gaga about the dress and I think it's about being the star of the whole production.  I don't know why I couldn't care less about this.  My sister used to talk about her dream wedding.  I listened to at least one of my daughters do that also.  My Mom has told me about her dream wedding!  I've listened to other women plan and plot to get married.  I've seen women end what I thought were perfectly good relationships, because their men didn't want to get married.  It always made me feel a bit weird.  I never thought of myself being married.  I still don't.  I'm just me, going thru my life on my terms. 

I don't get the whole marriage thing.  What is the big deal?  Is it about trapping someone to stay with you even if you fall out of love or they do?  That's not remotely appealing to me.  Is it so the government can tax you at a higher rate by combining your income and putting more into the higher tax bracket?  That's stupid.  Do people really think that getting married is some magical rite that guarantees perpetual happiness?  We all know how that goes 50% of the time, don't we? 

I told Ken that maybe some day, when we're old and start thinking we might kick the bucket, then we might get married, IF there is still social security, so that if one of us dies it'll help the other pay the rent.  Or if he can't get some damned health insurance we'll get married so we can get his knee fixed.  I want him mobile so we can travel and have fun together!  We might not stay married after his knee is fixed (taxes, you know) but that doesn't mean our relationship will end.

Our relationship will end when one or both of us decides we don't want to be in it anymore.  That simple.  We will work on it as needed.  But if it turns into a black hole that we aren't happy in and don't see an end to, it's time to walk away.  Life is too short to spend it unhappy! 

I kinda hate making marriage vows because I don't like to lie.  I've lied twice now.  I promised to love til death do us part twice, to two different men.  And I proved myself to be a liar.  I would prefer not to lie again if I can avoid it. One of the best ways I know to avoid that is to avoid marriage.  Marriage for social security when I'm old and I think we can manage to stay together til death do us part....that could work for me! 

Maybe we can just get some health insurance for Ken so we don't have to be liars to get it.  I hope so!  I want his knee fixed! 

A moment of peace, babysitting, collections & billing and fun times in a plane

Deep breath...hold it...let it out slowly...ahhhhhhh

This has been a stressful week and today I'm finally ahead of most of it again and have a few moments to take stock.  It's so nice right at this moment!  Except for my back pain.  Other than that it's really quite good. 

The back pain is a worry.  It's bad timing since this is my last big weekend babysitting Penelope.  I'm going to have to be very careful and avoid lifting her as much as possible this weekend - should be interesting!  Her Mom gave her 2 weeks notice so life dynamics will be changing.  I have really enjoyed all of this regular one on one time with Penelope over the past 2+ years of her life.  I have often had her for the weekend while her parents were working.  It's been so good for me to get all the snuggles and cuddles and to watch her grow.  We have a great connection and I have so enjoyed having her all to myself so we could forge our own separate relationship, away from her Mom & Dad.  Her parents are awesome but I like having my own thing with my grandkids :) 

I know I'll continue to babysit on occassion and it'll be nice to have more free time for myself but at the same time I value what has been.  Penelope is a fantastic kid!  She's unique, funny, flirty, sassy and extremely lovable with one of the best belly laughs I have ever heard!  Sitting in my recliner, snuggling with her to read or watch TV or so she can play with the fringes on my lamp, is my soulfood.  I plan to savor this weekend fully, despite the back problem!  If lifting is too big of a problem we may just have a sleep over together on the airbed in the living room.  That could be fun and no lifting her in or out of bed! 

Work has been stressful this month.  I will be headed to ND to help my Mom after her hip replacement surgery the end of the month so will have less days available for work.  I've been pushing thru on billing while my boss has been pushing to get some past due invoices resolved.  My priorities and his have differed.  I managed to ignore his as much as possible because I'd rather bill something I can actually get paid for on a timely basis, instead of revisiting old issues that keep getting kicked back to me for months on end as I struggle to resolve the problems with the client.  He wants cash flow and that's what I'm trying to give him.  Eventually we will get paid for that old stuff because hey, no matter how much the client shuffles they owe us that money per contract and they WILL pay!  I'm not giving up on it.  But since I've been doing the dance since Oct and they kicked a bunch back to me yet again I figure my odds are better getting paid from new work than that old stuff as far as promptness goes.  Did that make sense?  It did to me so whatever. 

The next idea my boss came up with was for me to go meet with the client to get these past due issues resolved.  That made my stomach sink.  I don't really have time to make a trip to AR in the next couple of weeks +.  I'm booked!  Plus I don't want to go.  But per his request I asked the client for a meeting.  I strongly suspect they gave me the run around when they said they've passed my request along to the powers that be to decide and could I still please try to get these invoices resolved with them?  The good news is suddenly they are beginning to understand how to fix these issues that I've been trying to get them to fix since Oct.  I guess the threat of a visit from me is enough motivation?  Whatever works! 

If I can avoid having to make that trip I'll be thrilled to bitty pieces!  I'd find it rather intimidating to go to that particular client's HQ anyway.  I'd feel like an ant approaching an established giant termite hill.  And this client is the reason I have a job.  I also don't feel like messing around with airports, car rentals and hotels any more than necessary in life.  If I can avoid it, I prefer to!  I very much prefer to do that for fun, like site seeing and vacations, rather than work!

I told my Mom that last night and she seemed to think I was being silly.  But she didn't go thru some of my nightmare trips where flights were missed because it rained and everyone turned into retards on the drive down, I got lost finding the airport to come back and then finding where to return the car and then which terminal to go to - running too and fro dragging my crap around and stressing that I'll be trapped in that airport indefinitely if I don't figure it out!  That was actually just one trip to Dallas/Ft Worth, not "some". 

I shouldn't be such a baby because most of the time it goes like clock work.  Well, except that flight out of Chicago that felt like the plane was falling apart because the landing gear made so much racket as it curled up into the plane.  I thought we were going to fall into the lake!  And upon landing the power went out so we all got to sit there in the dark while they figured it out.  Glad that didn't happen until AFTER we landed! 

Or maybe that hop between SLC & MN where I was sandwiched between 2 giants and couldn't lean back in my seat because their shoulders were too big and I couldn't breath or even fit.  So I spent that whole flight leaning forward in my seat and getting back cramps. 

Or that flight into Minot where the pilot felt compelled to gently rock the plane back and forth, back and forth, for no apparent reason, until I felt like I was going to throw up?  I had to sit for a while in the airport, not moving, before I could even consider getting into a car to drive to Rugby without wanting to throw up. 

Or that flight, don't even remember where, probably TX again, where the gal sitting next to me threw up in her lap and splashed a little ever so gently on my lap too?  Nice of her to share. 

Nah, I'm just a wuss because I'm not that crazed about giving the airline industry even more chances to make my life more "fun". 

cuteness overload!



Penelope, bundled up for the zoo, sitting in her little red wagon



Is this just not the cutest thing ever?????

My birthday

I survived yet another year!  They are starting to pile up on me a bit.  Better than the alternative tho so not going to whine about it.  This has been a boring/interesting day!  My first big struggle was my impulse to wear jeans to work.  That's a privilege that is supposed to be reserved for Fridays but I felt my birthday was special enough to warrant it.  I got over myself and dressed nicely.  Slacks, blouse, sweater.  Blah! 

Got to work and discovered an apparent break-in!  Talked to the 2 co-workers who were here and we discovered that they robbers succeeded!  Called the police.  Several laptops were stolen.  An ipod and deck are gone.  They broke into a safe.  I didn't even know we had a safe!  Shows how much I pay attention!  The safe didn't have anything in it.  I wonder how much time they wasted doing that?  What did they think they'd find that would be worthwhile?  CASH??  HAHAHAHAHA!  We don't put cash in safes and store them in the conference room!  I think they were classic idiots. 

Told Ken about it and he was calming me down from being scared.  Except I wasn't scared.  Can't even say I was mildly annoyed.  They left my office alone.  And it gave a little excitement to my typical boring day at work. 

Next, underwear guy from across the way did a little tai chi/yoga thing in the window.  I call him underwear guy because one morning I came in, glanced out my office window and there he was, in his unders, wandering around in his apartment across the street!  I was a little surprised to see that his body looked as good as it did since he is recovering from a bout of cancer.  He's done that routine one time since and now I find it boring.  But the tai chi/yoga thing was new.  Lots of turning around and arms extended stuff.  Posing essentially.  Lasted all of 2 minutes.  I wonder if it helped? 

So today has been marginally more interesting than usual!  YAY!!  I'll take what I can get.  It was marginally more depressing too.  I stepped on the scale today and my diet is going backwards.  Not good!  Today is my first day trying Sensa.  We'll see how that goes.  I'm supposed to sprinkle it on everything I eat.  So if it won't adhere to my candy bar I've decided I will lick it first so it will stick.  That's called commitment!!  That bad attitude is also why my diet is going backwards. 

I'm supposed to go for a caramel apple drink thingy tonight with Kim but haven't heard from her so thinking that won't happen.  I'll be sad not to see her because she's fun!  But I'll also be glad to have more time to deal with my stinky dog (he is foul again) and bake some banana bread.  Tomorrow I'm volunteering from 5:30 - 8 so won't have a lot of free time until Wed.  There's always a silver lining!

Kim has surgery on her foot tomorrow and she had a funeral today so I won't be surprised if she gets detoured!  I'm a little surprised she thought she could pull it off!  But she is a pressure junkie!  She tends to have every minute of every day scheduled for herself and her kids and if one thing goes wrong she hits crisis mode!  Kind of an uber Mom...a tired uber Mom.  I was more of a lazy Mom type than an uber Mom :)  I'm extremely good at managing stress unless it decides to avalanche on me. 

Yesterday I started my birthday celebrations despite Jesus being sick.  Turns out he has bronchitis and a sinus infection.  Luckily he also has drugs now so should begin feeling better soon!  I was bummed.  I think I said that in my entry yesterday.  Then I got over it!  Lacey & I decided to go to the Como Zoo, despite it being 13 degrees out, and visit the critters.  Then we would pick up Chris from work and go to the Mall of America (MOA) to go to Underwater World which has now been renamed Sea Life.  Ended up having a great day up until Penelope decided she had had enough and had a little meltdown.  Her somber faced parents marched her and her little red wagon to the car, with me chasing behind with their crepes from our semi-aborted dessert.  Considering that we took Penelope out of her normal routine, made her sit mostly for 5 hrs and wouldn't let her do back flips or crawl around I think she was pretty patient with us!  What is a little kid to do when the grown-ups just don't know when to knock it off?  Well, they throw a fit and cry and create a little general chaos!! 

I'm having a good birthday!

soulfood & cancellations

Yesterday I had a great day with my granddaughter Penelope.  We snuggled, wrestled, and giggled.  She is good for my soul!

taking a 2 hr nap on the fake couch

She had a really long nap on my fake couch.  Two whole hours!  I was amazed since I was sitting nearby in my recliner watching TV and it didn't phase her.  She has been a light sleeper in recent months.


Grandpa Greg told me she'd been walking all over in the morning...he was quite impressed with her mad walking skills!  I was looking forward to seeing that also but it didn't pan out that way.  She acted like it hurt to walk or stand and would cry.  Maybe she over did it?  I told her Mommy and she is going to talk to the doctor about it.  They'll get her all fixed up!


We played with my son's mardi gras beads again.  Penelope LOVES those things!!  She heads straight to them every time she comes over!  She worked out with me.  I did leg lifts so she came over and did leg lifts also.  I did push ups so she came over and crawled under me, giggling as I landed on top of her repeatedly.  I did pelvic thrusts and she did too...for about a minute and then decided it would be more fun to climb on top of Grandma for a ride.  I got my work out!  And we both giggled like fools!  Since it was that much fun I kept it up longer than I would have otherwise, most likely.

I ordered pizza and we ate like kings.  She loves pizza!  Me too!  Soooooo good!  Sooooo fattening!  Oh well.

The cake baking event for today has been cancelled.  I'm super bummed!!  My BIL Jesus has been sick and isn't getting better.  My sister had to finally call it.  She was also super bummed!  We are going to reschedule for next weekend.  At least I have that to look forward to! 

My birthday is actually tomorrow and I'm going out with Kim for a drink or a caramel apple thingy at Caribou or Starbucks.  She has foot surgery the next day so doesn't know if she can have a drink or not.  When I mentioned appletini's she started thinking she needed one!  I don't care.  I love those caramel apple thingies too and I'm more interested in the social aspect.

Gosh!  I have no idea what to do with myself today now!  A whole day off and no pressure to accomplish anything.  No sugar at the end of it either.  Probably a good thing.  Kinda of sad tho too. 

Birthday cake! I'm getting old but birthday cake makes it easier to swallow

My birthday is coming up fast and today I decided to scope out Pioneer Woman for cake recipes and have totally screwed up!  I found 2 that I'm dying to try!  I don't need 2 birthday cakes but how to choose which one?  HOW???

The first one I came across was a Milky Way cake. Gooey and chocolaty and caramelly...OMG! And it's from scratch (except for the Milky Ways...but we melt those so they are deconstructed). (pictures are nabbed from Pioneer Woman site just to make sure your mouth is watering like mine is)

 

I should have had sense to stop there but I noticed another cake just below that I had to check out also. A Cherry Cake Pudding...very gooey and full of cherries and cherry juice...OMG! 

Now I have some serious thinking to do.  Do I do what I would normally do and bake both of them because I have no impulse control?  Or do I behave and choose one?   

My sister just messaged me on FB and it looks like we could be baking both of them.  We're cut from the same cloth in some ways!  It'll be fun I think...baking is more fun with company...and maybe some appletini's!  Yeah, appletini's would be great!  Means I need to get some vodka.  Vodka is cheaper than my favorite wine so I can do that!  Goes farther than wine too in my house.  Vodka lasts weeks.  Wine lasts maybe 2 days.  Unless I have a friend around, then it's gone very quickly and my friend and I are very happy for a couple of hours! 

I think we will make sloppy joe's for supper and a tasty salad or something like that.  I want something fresh and crispy like a salad.  Maybe I'll have to do a search for delicious salads next!