feeling snarly

I gained 1.4 lbs last week.  Way to not diet dipshit!!  And do I feel motivated?  I just feel bitchy.  Fucking hormones!  Also, fucking annoying clients! 

Today I dug into the most recent problem a major client sent to me.  Turns out that I sent them a correction back in November and if they'd ever process and pay their damned bills the 2 more recent inquiries would have been unnecessary.  Drives me bat shit!  Some days I think it'll be nice to start fresh someplace else.  I get really sick of this kind of crap.  I know going elsewhere will just replace one pile of crap to deal with, with a different pile of crap.  But at least it'll be fresh!  In the real world old crap is less offensive than new crap but in figurative sense, it's the opposite. 

I gotta see if I can get thru this day without inflicting my bitchy self on too many people.  Oh, I am getting my tires rotated tonight because I'm paranoid that one of them will fall off after my "fun with tires" fiesta back in November.  And I forgot to bring my book so I get to sit and stare at the people around me while I wait.  What fun!  NOT! 

It's such a fucking Monday.

there is comfort in fat

I'm dreading weigh in tomorrow!  I have not behaved well on my diet at all this week.  I'll blame PMS because I'm feeling more starved that usual and am having fixated cravings.  It's bad that it kicked in a week and a half before Aunt Flo is due to arrive for her monthly visit.  That's a whole week left to continue to bomb on my diet or to battle even harder than normal to behave.  I do not know how this will go down.

If I have undone some of my work of the previous week I may find motivation.  I hope it will be enough to fight my body's urges!  I've had times where I even get the hypoglycemic thing going on...if I don't eat I get dizzy and shaky.  It's really obnoxious when that happens because I KNOW I don't need the food but my body says I WILL have it or I will feel like passing out if I don't.

I hate my freaking hormones sometimes!  They do not help me accomplish goals!  

My daughter was over last night and we were talking about fatness.  And men.  She is working at a bar, waitressing, and is loving the tips but beyond sick of getting her ass grabbed and being hit on all the time.  Men can be such pigs!  I understand her annoyance as I have also dealt with it in the past.  I thought I was immune at my age...mid-40's...when I last got slimmed down and I got educated that it is still a problem even for 40 somethings!

Even the most professional men can act like sexist pigs if you look good!  I told her about one of my jobs I had when I was going thru the breakup with my son's dad.  I had gotten fired and was in the process of having my home foreclosed on because my son's dad wasn't helping pay the mortgage since we split.  I desperately needed the shitty job I ended up getting.  That set the stage for me to put up with some sexual harassment from my boss.  It was a terrible time of my life.

Turned out the guy hired me because he wanted to fuck me.  Nice.  So he was feeling me up whenever he had a chance and no one was around.  Just quick grabs here and there.  I NEEDED the job so just pulled away when he'd grab my ass or tit or sneak up and rub his stiffy up against my backside.  I didn't make a big deal of it.  I'd try to laugh it off.  I needed to feed my 3 kids and I was on my own.  I couldn't risk pissing the fucker off and he was volatile.  When we were around my 2 co-workers he would scream and yell at me.  Insults and fun shit like that.  Or else he'd call me "Peaches".  Never knew what to expect but he was bi-polar so....So when I told my co-workers what was going on, they didn't believe me.  The woman even turned against me and started acting like uber bitch to me.  What a lovely cunt she was. 

I ended up getting another job thru a temp agency.  The day after I got the new job I went to work early, with a letter of resignation and slapped that and my key on his desk and walked out.  Never laid eyes on the bastard again.  Never did a lawsuit because even my own co-workers didn't believe me, so it was pointless.

After that job I started a steady weight gain.  It wasn't a conscious decision but I've discovered that being fat is a safe place in many ways.  I think part of me was looking for a safe place.  When I'm fat, I know men appreciate me for what I bring to the table - my brains and abilities, not because they are thinking with their dicks.  I find a lot of comfort in that!  I don't have to deal with men's stupid, obnoxious sides as much.  Being fat makes you somewhat invisible to them.  They usually won't act like letches to fat girls.  Not always but usually they won't.  Their upper brains work better around fat girls. 

I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago.  It was so much fun to look hot again!  I did it because I wanted to feel confident enough to go back to dating.  The side effects were that I got a lot of attention from men thinking with their dicks again.  It mostly worked out because I was thinking with my nether regions also...there were solid reasons for "dating" and most of it had nothing to do with love...that was a sideline wish but not necessary for my survival.  I have lots of love in my life and don't require a man to feel loved.  But I do require a man for sex sometimes...toys just aren't as satisfying!

Doing the dating site thing was soul killing after a while and I'd have to take breaks so I wouldn't end up hating men and their idiotic dick brains.  I know I was party to it also but at least I wasn't running around offering pictures of my pussy to strange men that I saw pics of on dating sites!  I wasn't sending them messages offering my "services" because I'd be in their neighborhood for some other event and could stop by for a quickie after.  This is what I got from men I'd never spoken to or messaged before!  This was their introductory approach! It was entertaining for short periods and then it just got obnoxious.  Even tho I was looking for some action, a little hint of respect is nice for Christ's sake!!  Was it really necessary to fall to that base a level?  Was it really, you horny little fuckers???

DAMMIT!!!  I deleted a paragraph by mistake here!  SHIT!!  Sigh...it wasn't that important anyway. It was about my current work and that was minor compared to the story about the past employer/asswipe I told you about up top.  Back to the entry in progress...

So now I'm fat again.  And the crap has stopped at work.  I can once more live under the illusion that the men I work for aren't sometimes pigs.  And now I'm going to try to lose the weight again.  And while I love looking good and all the side effects, like feeling sexy and more athletic and being healthier, when I achieve these goals I will also have to deal with some of the male bullshit again also.  I wonder how old I'll have to be before that stops?  And will I miss it?  Hard to say.  Can't say I miss it now so probably not. 

At least I won't ever be on any dating sites anymore!!  I have my Mr. K so those dick brains can piss off!!  It won't be nearly so bad this time around because I have him!

But there are benefits to being fat.

Penelope's post

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WOW!  She just did some things to my computer that I've never seen before...she may have a future in IT!

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Adult Content warning removed

It was bugging the shit out of me so I removed it.  I figure no one will be reading my blog who can't tolerate a bit of potty mouth.

1st week - progress is made!

It was weigh in day today and all that hunger paid off!  I lost 2.6 lbs since last Tuesday!  YAY!!!  Wouldn't it be nice if weight came off as easily as it comes on?  At least it's coming off.  I'm back under that dreaded threshold now and now the plan is to widen the gap.  As a reward, Weight Watchers took away one of my points.  Oh well.  It's a sign of progress if I want to be positive about it!

Today I'm suffering with a painful lower back again.  It's very difficult to stand up straight.  Was like this all day yesterday too.  I'll be calling my chiropractor for an appt in a bit.  This is what I get for ignoring the signals my body sent me last week.  I was warned!  Then again, it's probably better to go when there is actually a problem instead of a warning signal.  This is yet another reason why it's good for me to lose weight.  I have a deep curve in my lower back.  It runs in the family.  But this curve means that when I carry extra weight it puts the rest of my spine under duress.  I suppose it's that way with everyone but my chiropractor said mine was going to be more of a problem for that than usual.  He's the only doctor I have who has gotten on me about my weight.  The others never say a thing.  He tells me I need to lose weight to be healthier and to save my back.  I really appreciate that about him!  He's being honest!

On that note, there is a movement for fat people to accept themselves as beautiful and to fight back against the biases.  It seems to be ok to make fun of fat people.  We even have sitcoms where fat people make fun of themselves.  yay.  I have mixed feelings about all this.  On the one hand, I don't think self loathing is good for anyone.  I think you should do what you can to feel good about yourself at any size.  At the same time, it is unhealthy to be overweight.  I don't think it's something to be celebrated.  I think folks who are overweight should try to do something to get themselves healthier.  Look at their diet and activity levels and make some adjustments if possible.  I don't think wallowing in it is a good thing.  I do think being fat is a health problem.  Just like smoking or other risky behaviors. 

I've probably spent close to half my life being fat so I'm not being a snob about it.  I've struggled with negative feelings about my appearance.  I know I can look better because I have.  It's harder for me to be slim than heavy...seems like my natural tendency is towards heavy.  But I don't like having disappearing cheekbones or my muffin top.  I've had a number of problems because of my weight.  They especially crop up when I get to a certain level...which sadly I hit right around the holidays this year. 

One of the most annoying is my skin.  My skin doesn't like this and will sometimes get really irritated and get patches that act like hives.  Raised, hot, sore welts on my abdomen.  It feels like the skin gets hardened in areas where my pants or bra are snug on my skin.  When these kick up it often takes a couple of days to settle down.  This never happens to me unless I'm big.  I do NOT like it when it does!

Another, that I've luckily avoided this time around, is plantar fasciitis.  I have high arches in my feet.  Last time I got really heavy I suffered thru months of pain with every step before I finally accepted that the problem wouldn't heal without help.  I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis.  This means the tissues that attach to your heel become inflamed and have little tears in them that continue to be damaged/irritated with every step.  The description I just googled says it is a common result of long periods of weight bearing.  It was NOT fun to live with.  Every step I took hurt!  Makes it rather difficult to lose weight when exercise becomes sharply painful.  I had to get special arch supports, lots of anti-inflammatory meds and icing.  It cleared up.  I don't want it back again. 

I already mentioned my back. 

Another thing is athleticism.  When I'm slim, hiking around and rock climbing are so much fun!  I trust my body and it's easier to move it where I want it when I'm not hauling extra weight or off balance.  When I'm fat, tying my shoelaces can make me breath hard.  (Bending over can make it hard to breath around a fat gut.)  I love to be out and exploring the world I live in so while I also love delicious fatty food, I need to remember the cost to the other side of my life if I don't manage my appetite. 

I don't think I need to talk about sex except to say that if you feel sexy, sex is a TON more fun!  If you aren't happy with your body and would prefer to hide it than flaunt it...well this isn't rocket science is it? 

This entry is reinforcing my commitment to losing weight.  I am a pleasure seeker in life.  I love things that make me feel good!  One of those things is food and it's one that I have easy access to at pretty much any time compared to other things I like to do.  This love affair can interfere with the others BIG TIME if I don't strive for some balance.  I'm not out hiking in mountains all the time.  My boyfriend lives over 1,200 miles away so I'm not thinking about being sexy much either.  (I wonder how he'll feel about my tendency to change into saggy, baggy sweats the minute I walk in the door from work?)  So this part of my life needs to be consciously managed. 

I am pleased with the progress I made this past week.  I really needed that!  I want to do it again this coming Monday!

adult content warning

I put that on this site because I can be a potty mouth sometimes.  And sometimes I talk about sex...not graphically (aren't you relieved?) but in general.  I doubt I ever would be graphic since my kids read this and that would be gross!!  Oh I also wrote about heavy periods...the bloody, messy kind.  And big dicks...but that was funny. 
But going into my blog is a bit annoying and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting to myself?  It is pretty tame tho I wouldn't want a 10 yr old reading it.  But who lets their 10 yr olds peruse random blogs? 

If there is anyone out there reading this, please comment and let me know if you think I should keep the content warning or remove it.

Thank you.  Thank you very much. (bowing on my way off stage...)

waiting, productivity, automated phone systems and the iffy apple

I'm bored.  Sitting here at work waiting for something to happen.  Everything is put away, my archiving project is done for the year and until I'm done billing Nov. I can't run reports or get started on Dec.  Sigh. 

At least I can blame others.  When I typed that I was thinking about how productive I'd be if I wasn't constantly waiting on others and then I realized I'm not all the productive when I'm left to my own devices either. 

I have several projects at home that I have managed to put off for YEARS.  So before I start patting myself on the back and thinking I'm the best, I should probably get those done.  Will I do that?  Probably not...well some day, but it isn't imminent.  I have tons of excuses!  Like the damaged wood under the kitchen sink that needs to be replaced?  I cringe when I think of what that will do to my back.  And I don't do it.  If replacing the ballcock (said it again :)) in my toilet causes twinges for a couple of days, that project could cripple me!  I need to do it if I want to sell the house.  People always look under the kitchen sink.  The leak is fixed.  I think - probably should check that again since this house likes to replay favorite leaks every few years.  I got tired of paying plumbers every few years to do repeats so I do it myself now.  Fun.  So now it's a matter of replacing the damaged wood.  Ick.

I don't mind projects that don't require contortionism or brute strength.  Sadly there aren't a lot of those.  Most require contortions at a minimum.  I should design user friendly houses!  Where you can comfortably fix plumbing issues or access a water heater!  But I'm not creative like that.  I don't think.  Basically I just don't know how to design a house and am too lazy to learn.  And if I did learn they would probably convince me that it is great to save space by making these items awkward and miserable to fix at a later date.  Because it keeps happening doesn't it?  Yes it does.  They're good!

Ok I'm bored with that subject!  Here's one...yesterday I had to make a call to a client's AP 800# about some past due invoices.  Automated answering services are soul killing.  I was literally banging my head on my desk after my 3rd attempt to access a real human being since the automated system was completely useless.  Sometimes you need to talk to someone with a brain, you know?  Doesn't even require a big brain, but a brain and a mouth that can speak and maybe some fingers that can type and submit tickets to help resolve your problems...that's nice too. 

I had to go thru the run around and listen to a perky recorded voice telling me all about how I could sign up for this and that service to make this process even easier than it is!  WOW!  Easier?  I personally think they set those systems up to drive vendors away.  I had to get those invoices resolved.  It's my job!  So when I wanted to stop I would bang my head a little, hang up, and start over.  I hated my job right then.  A lot.  I did get thru finally!!  I got all my information to the gal (human) who answered.  Then I had to do it again because the ticket she was putting together for me didn't load.  But after 2 tries it was all submitted.  Now I wait and see if it pays off. 

Still waiting on an ex-co-worker (double hyphens!) to get the last of her billing to me.  Since she is an ex-co-worker I have no leverage to motivate her poky ass.  Dammit!  Not that I was successful when she was just a co-worker.  She works at her own pace...like dial-up internet.  She decided to quit her job here but part of the agreement was for her to finish up her bills for the month.  She's dragging that the fuck out!!  Drives me bat shit!!  I should have been done with all this last week but she feeds a little at a time then announces that's it until tomorrow.  Bitch.  I just keep telling myself that this is the last month I ever have to deal with her BS.  If I get lucky enough to get everything sometime today I may have a drink to celebrate tonight!  Maybe not because it's fattening and I am determined to drop some poundage but maybe...

I took a 2 hr walk at MOA last night with my pal Kim.  We were setting up a scavenger hunt for some kids to do tonight.  I hope it goes well!  But the main point is, I exercised and enjoyed it!  Aside from my back twinges and then later the hip acting hinky.  I should probably go to the chiropractor since these are signals that something is out of whack.  But it's a mild annoyance at this point so I hate to be bothered.  I have important things to do...like go home and bury my nose in a book and hang out with my lazy dog.  Tho I should fix the damned kitchen sink boards.  Bleah.  Chronic guilt...that's what home improvements are.  There's always something that should be fixed or maintained.  Renting sounds so sweet to me after 15 years as the proud owner of a mobile home with issues. 

I'm hungry.  I know this is a good thing when I'm trying to lose weight but it gets really old.  Maybe I should eat my iffy apple.  It'll probably still taste good even tho it's moving into a soft zone.  Free points!  I'm having a hard time reaching over there and grabbing it.  Looks ok, just sitting there.  But when I touch it, it won't be all nice and firm like it should be.  Well sooner or later I need to either eat the damned thing or throw it away.  I think I'll debate on that a bit.  I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought if I won't eat my iffy apple yet.  It's a honey crisp.  Those are good!  But still...

Fresh Start!

This is my 2nd blog.  I kept trying to change my email address on my last blog and it said I couldn't use a gmail address.  Now I can apparently?  Retarded!!  I'm going to let the other blog slip away into oblivion and use this instead.

I just transferred over my most favorite posts and am all set to go!

Just got it set up and I love the way it looks WAY more than the last blog!!  I'm happy!!

fun with my toilet & Bruiser's potty drama

I just replaced the ballcock in my toilet. It's a simple thing. Shut off the water. Drain the tank. Disconnect the water line. Remove the old part. Prepare the new part - Switch out the float (new part didn't come with that), adjust the height, connect the tubing. Pop into tank and reconnect everything! Ta Da!

It didn't go that smoothly for me. My toilet is tucked in a little space that is extremely awkward to work in. So I'm squirming around trying to see. My glasses keep sliding around as I move my head to SEEING anything was a challenge. I finally found my sweet spot with my head cuddled up against the bowl and my legs wrapped around it (sort of). Then I began to undo the locknut. Or I thought I was undoing it. I would undo it then I'd tighten it then I'd undo it and then I'd tighten it again and finally I got the new one to look at pretty much every time I had to adjust the robogrip. FINALLY got the damned thing off. My back was complaining pretty loudly by this point!

Then I put everything back in and it came time to use plumber's tape to connect the water line. Holy fuck is that shit annoying!!! It wants to fold up into a string, it won't stick to anything and comes undone faster than you can wrap it and then, you drop the holder and have to start over. I exercised my swearing skills a bit!

But in the end I got the job done! Everything is back together and there are no leaks (yet). It is QUIET!! It has been running endlessly for a while now so to have a silent toilet is thrilling! It's the little things in life that make me smile :)

As soon as I finished Bruiser announced that he had to go out immediately. I'm grateful he was patient and let me get the toilet fixed first! So I let him out and went back to put everything away. Went to check on him and he was happily surveying his domain from the sidewalk so I let him be a few minutes longer (it's a cold night out). Finally heard him barking so went to let him in and he started what has become his normal re-entry routine...

First of all he gets stressed and starts crying.

Next he is SURE he must be tangled around the tree and heads for it to walk around it. This tends to tangle him more often than untangle him.

At that point I start reeling him in. I have the leash hooked up by the top of the stairs to I can pull him in. This is necessary unless I want to run down and grab him and carry him in every time I let him out.

So I got him around the tree and aimed at the house. Then he starts stressing about the stairs. He always makes it up the stairs (he's an old dog fyi) but in the last year or so he worries a lot. I have to give him a tug and then he decides to go for it. He makes it! Whew! I suppose one of these days he won't but it hasn't happened yet.

Life with a deaf, smelly, geriatric dog is interesting! I do love the little furball tho :)

No more excuses!

I'm finally there! Thru the gauntlet of the holidays and there are no more excuses to put off doing some weight loss!!

I stepped on the scale today and it was painful to see what I've done to myself. Not unexpected but painful. I've crossed a boundary I'd vowed never to cross again and it was depressing. I need to fight those feelings of depression tho because I tend to want to medicate bad feelings with food. Not going to be doing that for months to come if I can avoid it! I still need to keep myself positive!

Part of that is to imagine where I want to get to and how good it'll feel to get there. I'm not happy with my appearance or how I feel lately. It will feel good to change! I need to keep that in my mind when the cravings come later, and they will come. They always do! I've been successful before so I know I can do it again. It takes commitment. And constantly reaffirming that commitment. That's where I tend to fall down. I'm hoping this journal will help with that.

This morning was a bit of a struggle. Everyone has gone back to work! Traffic levels sucked! I had my moment of panic this AM when the traffic backed up way earlier in the commute than usual and I was watching the folks behind me flying up and clenching my teeth, bracing for impact thinking "don't hit me, don't hit me, don't hit me". They didn't. Holiday traffic was sooooo nice! All those people taking time off work, all those offices and schools closed! Now it's back to normal. Shit.

Even Bruiser was on a delayed schedule today. I had to wake him up and get him moving so he'd eat and go potty before I left! That's a little bit of vengeance for me since he feels compelled to bark at me and wake me up early on my days off.

My daughter was texting me this AM about how sick she was. She has my sympathy but at the same time, she HAS to work or she gets no money so sick or not she has a judgement call to make. Can she afford to miss that work? I hope she gets a job that has benefits some day. I feel so bad for folks who don't have benefits. It sucks balls to not be able to stay home when you're sick! I stayed home a day last time I was sick but still had to go to work as soon as I was able because sick or not, work needed to get done! All of us do it. Even tho I have benefits I've used them up before and had to take the financial hit because of a sick day so I guess benefits aren't always a safeguard.

My tummy is growling. Hungry is good! This is my mantra today!!

2012 Resolutions

I have two resolutions for this coming year.

#1 Lose some weight before my 30th class reunion coming up in July.

I have my work cut out for me with this. I think I may even embarrass myself by posting my weekly weight-ins here and writing about what I'm doing to accomplish this goal. I doubt it will be inspiring but hopefully it'll be successful!

I lost a bunch of weight a while ago but have managed to gain most of it back. I'd hoped to manage it better than I have but now I have work to do again. I love to bake and I love to eat!! Not a great combination for someone who gains weight just by thinking about it! Healthy food can be really tasty but it just isn't the same.

Losing weight is such a mind game for me. When I did it the last time it was because I wanted to get laid. Yes, I said that! I was going to put myself back into the dating pool again. Was hoping for love but sex was something I wanted even more than that. I'm in my prime and the lack of good, groaning, sweaty sex was driving me bat shit! Bad age to be single! I figured I'd better improve my looks if I wanted some attention and it worked even better than planned!

I had more attention than I knew what to do with! And I remembered why I hate dating. REALLY HATE DATING!! It gets hard to take after a while. I had to take regular breaks from it to keep from wanting to...I don't know. I wish I would have blogged about those adventures! I was keeping a journal back then but it's on the risque side to post here.

I don't date anymore. Whew! I have met a man I am crazy about! I met him on facebook of all places! An ex-classmate that I never hung out with back in the day. I bet we never said 2 words to each other when we were kids. We had nothing in common then and wouldn't have known what to do with each other anyway. Well I know what to do with him now!

Back to the mind game point I started making...when I lost weight last time it was to get laid. This was a HUGE motivator for me! Now, the motivator is to try to avoid having my old classmates say "she really let herself go". Sadly that's not a great motivator for me. I've made a habit of not caring a whole lot about what others think about me, unless it impedes me getting something I want. What do I want from my classmates? Well, if I don't succeed at this weight loss plan I want them to keep their "she really let herself go" comments amongst themselves...I do not want to hear it! They can say it (they will even without my permission) but shush please when it comes to me! If I do succeed then I don't want anything but the pleasure of seeing them all again!

BF says he doesn't care about my weight and encourages me to eat. He gets disappointed if I eat boring food. He is no help with weight loss. So somehow I have to convince myself that losing weight is necessary for something I want (see the problem?) and this has to stick for months to come for me to have success.

I'm thinking that shame might work. If I record my efforts here, in public, it could help me stick to my plan. Worth a shot!

#2 Become a renter instead of a homeowner.

This one can potentially take a lot of work and money. I live in a mobile home and have heard rumors that the park office is trying to get rid of older homes like mine, unless they are upgraded. But I have a game plan.

This spring I will talk to the park office and get the scoop on what the real story is. Find out if I need to side the house and put new windows on it before it'll be allowed to stay in the park.

Next step is to talk to a realtor. If the park demands that improvements be made then I need to find out from the realtor what my options are. If I make the improvements, can I sell the home for enough to get my money back so can pay off the loans? Or should I leave it as is, have it hauled off the lot and let someone buy it cheap and fix it up the way they want it? There are a lot of possibilities to be considered.

One way or another I intend to get my house sold. It's a step in my master plan!

I gave away about half a houseful of furniture the beginning of December! I'm thinning out my life/stuff. It feels better than I thought it would! I have my bedroom and my kitchen intact (well some stuff has been given away from the kitchen) and my recliner and TV/stand in the living room. Not much else. I want to get my belongings down to a single truck load so I still have some work to do. It is almost like being dead and parceling out your belongings to loved ones. This is my preview of what I'll miss out on when I'm actually dead!

I figure these 2 subjects will give me enough to write about in the coming year.

PMS & friends

Had a decent day at work. Was busy. I prefer that. I was also productive. My girlfriend and I email regularly during work days to chat about our lives. Today we were both suffering from hormone overload and decided we needed to get together tonight. I haven't seen her for a long time so YAY!

Ran home after work to let the dog out and change into some jeans. Was dreading the jeans part because I'm so fat lately between water retention and just plain being too fat again. (Weight Watchers, here I come again!) Anyway, I get to my front door and find a nasty gram there from the park office. I, my friends, am trailer trash. Anyway, the park office is threatening retribution if I don't get my leaves raked by Thurs. 9 AM! Bastards!! I hate those people sometimes! Then things got even better...

I walked in, feeling like a snarling animal (hormones and this place annoys the shit out of me on a good day) and notice an odor in the air. My darling shi-tzu, Bruiser, had the hershey squirts all over the floor while I was at work and decided to walk around in it too for good measure! Lovely! I tip toe over that disgusting mess and pick up my disgusting puppy to take him outside. Then I begin the cleaning process. Gag!

It was partially dried and crusty and took some elbow grease to get off the floor. I need to wash a rug also. Debating if I should just throw it and start over honestly. Then I grabbed my gross puppy and threw him in a bath. He doesn't like baths but I don't like crap coated dogs either and guess what? I won!

Squeezed myself into too tight jeans (they all are too tight right now...by next week they'll be better...after the bloat and all the retained water decides to clear out). Hit the road to the mall. Friend calls to find out where to meet and I launch into my bitch session...why wait to be in person? She tells me she is so thrilled to be meeting with me tonight (sarcasm is dripping).

After a few hours of eating, drinking, shopping and bitching I feel much better! Plus I'm in my sweats. Oh forgot to wrap up the leaf issue...called my son and told him he could take some $ off his insurance payment if he came over and cleared the leaves. Yes of course he says! He's a good boy :)

I would have been in a spot if not for him. Tomorrow is supposed to thunderstorm. Tonight I had plans and those are rare lately with this pal of mine...our schedules do not match well for getting together. So without his help I would have had to cancel tonight to rake leaves.

Canned chicken & my period

G: Chris Isaak is in town again 8/4 at the O’Shaughnessy in St Paul. Interested?

X: That would be fun…and not so far to walk…and nowhere NEAR Lake St. LOL (of course, technically, neither is Mystic)

It might be safe!

What’s the $$??

G: Not sure yet. Ticket sales open tomorrow but they were giving advance option to American Express card carriers. I don’t have one of those. I pretended I did and the seats down near the front were $55. Would be nice to sit down there and see them close up but not sure about that price. And it might not be as good for people (like me) who don’t have the RIGHT credit card! Anyway I’m pondering it. Still a good show from the back but it would be very cool to sit down front! Tomorrow I’ll hop in and see how much they are going for and let you know. If I decide I want to sit down front I could help cover some of your ticket. I’m checking to see if 'daughter' might want to go too and I might hit 'sister' up to see if she’s interested.

X: Whoo-hoo! Sounds like a party!!!

How is your day going?

Once again I am short of sleep! I sat with 'daughter' to get homework done. While I did that I sipped on tea. The tea kept me wide awake while 'hubby' did some stuff on his computer until 1:30 or so. Then the tea kept me awake some more! 'Hubby' woke me up before he left today. He forgot that I needed the van. He couldn’t take the car cuz it’s full of stuff I need for Sat. I drove him to the airport at 7…yes, 7 am! I wasn’t in my jammies but I’m very glad I only had to actually drive back home and not TO the airport. I was not awake!

Tonight there is a band concert and somehow 'Daughter' and I need to work through 5 wks of science homework to turn in tomorrow. I may teach her the value of an all-nighter! Ick. And the bummer is to keep her interested I’m making it fun so my luck she’ll keep doing this s***! She is such a glutton for attention and she’s right. If she got good grades she’d have less time with me one on one.

'Son' was mopey last night because all of my attention was on 'Daughter' and all of 'hubby’s' was on his chicken —yes, he was home for 17 hrs and decided to buy 7 lbs of frozen chicken and can it!! —and his computer for work. So 'son' played outside, by himself, played on the wii, by himself, played in his room, by himself. I think I will talk with 'daughter' and see if we can’t have a “'Son' Rules” night on Friday. Fair is fair!! Actually, he doesn’t know it and I just remembered it, his friend is sleeping over on Friday night. YAY! I’ll put him on the phone with his friend tonight and they can make plans. I will be at his command!!

We meet on Monday morning with 'daughter’s' teachers. I may request that they keep a refrigerator box for her to sit in. Then they could cut one side out for her to view the teacher ONLY and block out the other distractions. I’m actually thinking of asking the Dr about the ADD drugs to see if that would help her keep focused. Of course, it may just make her REALLY focused on her social interactions. Wouldn’t that serve me right?!

Whew! Now I need to get back to printing my checks. 'Hubby' is gone until sometime on Sat. He left me with Mt. Laundry again in the living room. Wonder when I’m supposed to find time to work through that?!?!? He did clean up his canning stuff. I just hope it tastes good! Otherwise we’ll be moving gallons of icky canned chicken with us in 15 yrs!!!

G: My God! You should totally write a blog of your life! You are damned funny! I know you kinda don’t mean to be but you are. Just what you need…something else to do, right?

No party for Chris Isaak at this point. Nobody but me seems to know who he is! Sheesh! I think they are missing out on some very good music, but that’s apparently just my opinion! At least we had enough fun last year that you want to go this year!

Today is pretty slow. My period is acting like a crazy axe murderer so I may go home and die of blood loss early this afternoon. Being a girl is so fucking much fun some days!

Canned chicken sounds gross. I don’t think I’ve ever had any of that stuff. If it tastes bad THROW IT OUT!!!! Do not drag it with you on your next move! With 'hubby' gone all the time just throw out a can or 2 every time he leaves town so he thinks you’re eating it.

X: I’d add writing a blog to the end of my list but someone is using it as a life rope down in Tennesee!

I’m a little nervous about the chicken but it’s relaxing for him to can. AND 1) It takes up less space than a cedar strip kayak. 2) MUCH less expensive than a cedar strip kayak. 3) I can feed it to the dog if it’s icky and she will love me forever. and it doesn’t make annoying beeps and whistles like his favorite video game. AND—lastly—it may actually be good.

I hope you won’t die of blood loss. They actually told me at the red cross that we don’t lose that much blood from our period. It was a nice gramma lady telling me that so I had to keep a straight face. Maybe that’s what happens for nice girls and I’m just BAD, BAD, BAD. Hmmm…together again, aren’t we?!?!

Even if the chicken doesn’t taste good it does look interesting in the jar. Quite the conversation starter probably. Wish I could stick a rubber chicken head in one of them and see how long it takes him to notice it. Or a couple of feathers stuck in the lid may work, too.

ROFLMAO!!

X: Don’t fall off of your chair—or cry—that will just bring people to your office to bug you.

G: If I move too much I just have to run to the bathroom so I won’t be falling off my chair

X: And that may hasten your death from non-existent blood loss.

G: Non-existent blood loss huh? I could make a pretty horrific crime scene outta what’s going on right now…splatter EVERYWHERE! The detectives would be sure someone died!

X: TMI!

G: Hahahahahaha! Oops! Quit making me laugh! Gotta run to the bathroom again!

G: I want you to get rubber chicken parts and put them in the jars! OMG that would be toooooo funny! I would want to see 'hubby’s' face over that one! Tho it might drive him towards that dreaded cedar strip kayak!

for your amusement

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.


The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time!


She replied, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

Personal story...I sent this to my boyfriend and told him "I will NEVER tell you that you have the biggest penis of all your friends!"

I'm an agnostic christian...

I'm an agnostic. For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I think religious people could be right, they could be wrong. I'm personally no longer interested in getting all wrought up about it either way. As far as I know my life is here and that is what I shall focus on, rather than some mystical heaven or hell that may or may not be there. If there is life after death I vote for reincarnation! I'd rather come back, thank you! This is an awesome planet so I want more!

I was raised a Lutheran. Good solid people! Nice way to grow up too. I enjoyed the community feel that comes along with the church. The common ground. The ritual and traditions. They are all very comforting. As is the message. There are times, now that I've evolved to this point, where I miss that. But I feel like a fraud when I try to go back. It's no longer where I belong.

I grew up experiencing the world with wonder and questioning everything. For the longest time the Lutheran church suited me. God suited me. But certain things niggled at me even back then. I had to shut them down - stuff them. You lose a lot when you walk away from the church. You no longer fit with the majority. When everyone is offering prayers in a crisis, you don't because it'd be a lie. It feels awkward to be different. There isn't a quick, pat response like "we have you in our prayers" to say. There was a lot at stake to keep me shoving those questions down so I wouldn't have to face my personal truth. I shoved them down for a long time!

As an adult I struggled with various issues in the church. I studied the bible. I went to bible class and generally enjoyed debating points. But I was told "we don't believe that" so many times as a means to stop me from sharing my viewpoints that I started to really have problems with it. I guess the point I'm making is that in order to be truly faithful you have to NOT think very hard. In fact, it's recommended to shut that old brain down if you want to feel really safe in your religion. That was my experience anyway. Suspend logic and don't question. I don't work that way. I can't. It goes against my basic nature.

When I look at history I see that human kind has often, if not always, had gods in their lives. The reason for this, in my opinion, is that it gave them an illusion of control in a chaotic world. "If I do this and this, the gods will be pleased and the storms will pass or the hunters will get game, we'll win this battle, etc." It gave them a focus to unite under and a set of rules for everyone to live by in order to keep those gods happy. It also generated creativity...artwork...to please the gods. God/gods gave them many, many positive things. These gods also made for GREAT stories! We're still telling stories of the old gods now because it is entertaining stuff! To imagine all that power in a being that is so much like us? WOW!

There is a dark side to this. The power and control it gives to those wise and wicked enough to wield it. The corruption that permeates any human organization. There is always some segment using it for their own ends and causing havoc and destruction along the way.

Aside from these pros and cons, does it mean ANY god exists? I personally think it is as basic as people trying to find comfort and security out of chaos. I think the odds of an all powerful, omniscient God really existing are pretty slim. I think he exists, in a way, because people need him to. But not really. He is a common imagined entity, created by history and repetition and early indoctrination, with santions for those who don't cooperate.

Having grown up with God in my life it's hard to think he's not there. He maybe is. Maybe not. Logically I'm inclined to think he's not. Humanly and out of habit, I still treat him like an imaginary friend and occassionally have talks with him. I know that logic tells me he's been cooked up as part of the human condition, but that would feel like losing an old friend so I still hang on a bit. Even agnostics need the illusion of comfort sometimes! But to actually go into a church and pledge the whole gammut would be pushing it HARD for me. It's a strange thing to go to church now. I know the words. I know the rituals. I no longer find comfort in them...instead I feel like a fraud. It is not a comfortable place for me any longer. Hasn't been for years.

Another point I feel compelled to make is that I do believe there is the possibility of life after death. Once again, I don't know. It doesn't have to be heaven or hell, but if the church is right maybe... Maybe it is reincarnation. Maybe it's a new planet or a new plane of existence? Maybe it's nothing. Maybe we just end. Regardless, it's going to happen to all of us and there is no avoiding it. I choose to deal with what I know. I know I'm walking this planet and I don't know for how long. THIS is my life! It's the only one I'm sure I'm getting so I plan to savor and enjoy it as much as possible! I'm not going to worry about what comes next because nobody knows. it's like packing for a trip when we have no idea what we need. We won't know until we get there. I'm going to enjoy this moment and the next and I'm going to keep doing that as long as I have breath in my body.

The reason I say I'm a christian is because, in my way, I am! I grew up hearing about Jesus. I do believe he probably walked this world. I think he had a great message about how to treat others. It's a good way to live! Take care of others and serve. Try to be a good person. I follow his teachings even if I don't buy into him being the son of god and dying for our sins. I don't believe in the resurrection but I do believe he had a LOT of things right about how people can be happiest. If you are good to people and they follow and are good to you, what a nice place this world can be! Try it! It makes you feel good to do something nice for someone else without expecting something in return. So I'm not a classic christian by any stretch but I think it fits.

Being an agnostic or an athiest doesn't have to mean that you are evil and running amok! Religious people shouldn't have to feel threatened by us. Most of us are a lot like them. We go to work, raise our families and vote. Some think they need to save us. Terribly annoying! Please don't! At least not with me. I've been part of it. Now I'm not. Both are ok but I know where I fit.

There is good and evil in this world. It exists in all of us to varying degrees. We do have free will to choose how to live. Religious or not doesn't change that.

So, at this point in my spiritual evolution I call myself an agnostic christian. I like it!