Migraines

Had another migraine yesterday.  Luckily Excedrin Migraine took away the worst of the pain but still spent most of the day with a solid headache, feeling woozy and slightly nauseated.  Most people would never know I had a migraine unless I told them.  I might look tired when going thru it but I don't think it's obvious.

I remember years ago when a friend of mine told me how she had had such a bad migraine that she screamed thru it.  I remember thinking screaming would make it worse.  I questioned if it actually was a migraine?

When I first started having migraines, I didn't have Excedrin Migraine to fight them off for me.  Here's how it went for me:

1) I start noticing that it's hard to see.  I'm blinking and struggling to make things out.  After a bit I notice an arc of sparkling shards of rainbow lights slowly widening across my field of vision.  I see it when I shut my eyes also.  I now know that it's called an aura.  It's my warning system.  Not everyone is lucky enough to get a warning.  I do.  But the semi-blindness I get isn't fun to deal with.  I was dealing with that yesterday.  I have woken up with a migraine.  That's the worst because you slept thru the warning.  There is no rhyme or reason to them...they just happen.

 Back in the day, when this warning hit, I knew it was time to go home IMMEDIATELY.  I was suddenly in a race against time because when the aura went away, the migraine would begin.  Migraines don't care what you're in the middle of, or who is depending on you.  Back in the day, when they hit, my life had to stop.  Honestly it was pretty awful.  There are few things in life that I don't struggle thru but migraines were one of them.

2) The migraine hits.  I become light sensitive and need to be in the dark.  Light hurts.

I become sound sensitive and need to be in a quiet place.  Noise hurts.

There was often vomiting.  It hurts so bad it makes you vomit, which is the last thing you want to be doing when you're hurting that bad!

And the pain?  It felt like someone was inside my head pounding with a hammer.  There was no relief and no escape unless I was lucky enough to fall asleep.  I used to have Tylenol with codeine in it that I'd take to try to knock myself out during those sessions.  Sometimes it worked.

Oh, and you don't want to move.  Moving hurts.  I really hated when I'd have to vomit.  Felt like my head would explode.  This phase could go on for hours.

3)  The migraine passes.  You feel like you've been sick.  You're woozy and out of it.  There is sometimes a residual headache that can last up to 2 days afterwards.  I tend to feel fuzzy-muddled.  Like I'm muffled and somehow subdued.  I get this reaction despite taking meds.  Today I feel "off" but functional.  Not 100% but good enough.

Sometimes you get another one within a few days.  That used to happen to me a lot.  Now it doesn't.  Maybe it's because of my meds?  No idea but I'm glad I don't get a series of them so much anymore!

I've recently started experiencing aphasia.  When it first happened I was joking that I must have had a stroke because I couldn't find the words.  Honestly I was a little worried until I investigated further and found out it can happen after a migraine.  That made sense based on the timing.  I'd seen my Dad experience aphasia after his strokes.  You know what you want to say but you can't find the words in your brain.  You can suggest other things sort of like it to try to describe what you want to say.  My Dad would call a winter coat a warm.  He had the problem much worse that I ever did but his experience helped me recognize what was happening to me enough to be concerned.  Despite having headed off the worst of it with Excedrin I still suffered the aphasia.  Luckily it's temporary after migraines.  I just have to be patient.

I'm lucky and have found a medicine that helps!  When the aura hits, I take Excedrin Migraine and wait.  Yesterday the headache was pretty bad but I was still functional.  I no longer have to race home for a dark, silent room to suffer it out.  Now my life can continue.

Sadly I know my medicine does not always work for others.  Some folks really struggle to find any relief.

I wanted to write this to maybe help people understand that a migraine is not just a really bad headache.  It can be debilitating and actually force someone to stop in their tracks and just ride it out. It can literally pull them away from their life and they have no say in it.  They aren't being babies.  It's BAD.

I'm one of the lucky ones who has found treatment.  Others have not and need support and understanding.  I'm hoping this might help with some understanding of the experience if you aren't one who's ever had a migraine.

my friday morning political rant

I think the U.S. is going to get the president it deserves. If people want to keep deluding themselves about these people the parties are pushing at us as the only presidential options. They are pitiful...we can't find anyone better in this entire country than these people??? I mean our main GOP contender is a bigoted, egomaniac with the self control and tact of a 3 yr old. The other options are not great improvements either in my opinion but at least wouldn't be quite as damaging to the country as the current front runner. I've learned I'm too conservative but not religious enough for the GOP. I don't feel that any of the options truly represent me. Not one of them. I am for equal rights for gays. If the idiots want to get married, let them. If they want their pain in the ass "when are you getting married" pestering card taken away, that's their choice. They get to be pestered like all the rest of us now. Equality. Fun times. I want borders tightened because we should be able to control who comes in (we don't want criminals and drug dealers using our gimpy borders to pursue their bad ends. I also want them tightened because the border states are struggling to keep up with their infrastructures. It's creating a financial hardship for those states that needs to be dealt with. We need to control our borders for many reasons.   At the same time I'm against massive deportations. I think that's a stupid idea. This country was built on immigration. While they may "take jobs" they also create them because there needs to be infrastructure to take care of an increasing population and they cause an increase in demand for housing, clothing, food, etc. That creates opportunities for businesses to grow. In essence, I want borders controlled and legal immigration but there should be a pathway to citizenship for illegals who are already in this country, working hard alongside us. I personally would like it if there was no abortion BUT my skin literally crawls over the idea that the government gets to dictate what a woman does with her body. A woman should not be forced to carry a pregnancy to term. I wish they all would but I don't think they should be forced to. This is a tricky one but I consider myself pro-abortion on principle. I'm not liberal enough for the Dems. I am for equal rights for gays. If the idiots want to get married, let them. If they want their pain in the ass "when are you getting married" pestering card taken away, that's their choice. They get to be pestered like all the rest of us now. Equality. Fun times. As for guns? I don't own one. Never felt the need. At the same time I think it's foolish to think that making gun laws tougher is going to stop these terrible crimes from happening. I think that is equivalent to being an ostrich and sticking your head in the sand. Law abiding citizens are not doing these crimes. I think that taking money from the rich to give to the poor sounds like a good idea but it's misguided. All this rich hating fascinates me since the political leaders who are perpetuating it tend to be wealthy and I don't hear that they are offering their extra cash to the needy. And don't we all wish we were rich? If I was rich I wouldn't think anyone else had a right to my money. They don't. This is a nation of opportunity, not a guarantee of a life of comfort. We do need to care for truly needy...the infirm, the elderly, special needs, etc but not able bodied, minded folks. Not people who are sitting around with their hands out saying "gimme". I did a few years on welfare back in the day. There is a generational thing going on (or there used to be) and I witnessed it. No reason for it but it exists. I'm not getting into welfare any more than this except to say that reform is needed to weed out abusers and to support people when they try to take care of themselves instead of penalizing them, hence keeping them locked in the system. It isn't easy to get off of. I speak from personal experience. Here's my thoughts on the other side... Our main Dem contender should be in jail but is untouchable because she has some very powerful supporters who want her to be president. She has acted like she's above the law for a long time and that's because she really is! Pays to have friends in high places. But it makes on more inclined to do whatever the hell she wants and know she can get away with it. Her smug attitude is valid. She KNOWS she's untouchable.  She can blow us all off until the end of time if she wants to. She is above the law. If anyone else in her position had done what she's done, they'd be in prison right now. The one who is giving her sweats is a well intentioned but mislead communist. Communism doesn't work. It's proven. That's my opinion for those of you who want to pipe up and say "I like so & so". It's a thing. If we keep voting like our government is a reality show being put on for our entertainment, then we get what we deserve. I also think that at this point in time, our politicians are a bigger threat to the well being of this country than ISIS or the Taliban. ISIS and the Taliban may kill people but our politicians are dividing this country and destroying our economy with their bad decisions, posturing, their lip service to achieve their own selfish ends, no matter the cost to this nation and with the constant partisan in-fighting.

A big THANK YOU!!

I saw an article about a father who was walking his daughter down the aisle at her wedding, who stopped and grabbed her step-father from the side and had them both walk her down the aisle together since he felt that she was “their” daughter.  He saw the value of the step parent in her life and made a beautiful acknowledgement of his feelings about it.   It’s a touching story. 

I am a single parent myself.  I raised 3 children mostly on my own.  There were some step parents and significant others involved also. 

There were some key ideals that developed for me as I grew into the role of a mother.  One of the first was that I was still me.  I was a mom but I was still just me.  I would fill many roles in life but at the core, I’m me.

When you have a baby, you fall in love in a BIG way that you never expected.  Until you experience it yourself you can’t really understand what I’m talking about. 

Loving someone that much can take you over.  You can totally forget to take care of yourself and your own needs for the sake of that child.  It can become such a habit that you can forget who you are.  You can have that moment, where you sit back and wonder what became of that person you were?  Who am I?  I had that.  I learned that I had to be myself too, no matter how much I loved my child.  That I had to separate to some extent.  That I had to be selfish to some extent to preserve myself.  That I only have one life to live and I had to live it for me. 

That didn’t mean not considering others because if you want a fulfilled life you have to consider the needs of those you love but at the same time you have to always remember that YOU have to live in your skin and no one else does and act accordingly.  Never settle for a mediocre life because the world decrees it be so.  Always question why and determine your own path.  At least that’s my opinion on it and that’s how I live my life.  Outside approval is not required.  Nice but not necessary.

That being said, I became very aware that my children were also individuals of the same caliber as me.  You can’t become aware of yourself as an individual without acknowledging that your children are also fully individual and autonomous.  They will live a life that I can share parts of but in the end it is their life to live, not mine.  I cannot know how their life looks to them or how it feels unless they choose to share that information.  I’ll never truly know them any more than they will truly know me.  I had responsibilities as their parent and one of the key responsibilities was to raise them to go out into the world without me and live their lives as they see fit, with or without my approval. 

That’s a hard lesson!  We often want our kids to be like a second chance to do the things we wish we could have done.  Thing is, our kids might not be interested. 

I named my oldest with the name I did because I thought it might trick people into thinking she could be male on a job resume and it might help her get her foot in the door at a business in the future.  Think I was projecting a wee bit about what I wanted onto this little infant girl?  Oh hell yes I was!  I still like the name but that just shows how aware I am of how we sort of try to live thru our children.  I was using her to right a wrong I felt had been done to me at the time with a name.  I felt doors would be shut to me because I was female and I projected that onto her.  I had a plan for her.  I got educated.  She taught me quickly that she was herself, not a mini-me.    

In my opinion, one of the main things about being a parent is learning to let go.  There is lots of letting go involved in the job.

I never felt like my kids were truly "mine".  I suppose that doesn’t make sense.  Let me try to explain it a bit better.  I felt like they were entrusted to me by fate (and genetics and my fooling around), my responsibility to care for, until they were ready to go out on their own.  They belonged to themselves.  I had no ownership.  I was “gifted” with the opportunity to be the one to help them grow up.  My primary job as their mother was to teach them what they needed to know so that they could go forward in life without me. 

The main difference about loving a child versus loving a partner is that when you love a partner you tend to want to stay with them forever.  When you love a child you want them to grow and go out into the world and make their own lives.  One is about joining and the other is about love leading to separation.  Love has different rules for different relationships.  In the parenting role, love is about letting go. 

Another key part to letting go is learning to trust that others can also love and care for your child.  You are not the end all and only one who can love your kids more than anyone else can. 

Understanding that other people bring knowledge and abilities and experiences to your children that you cannot.  Understanding that others providing things to your child that you cannot, isn’t a failure on your part.  It’s a wonderful thing!  You can never have too many people who love your children in your life! 

Character does not just happen.  It’s earned through experience.  It grows from exposure to life and the people in it.  It comes from modeling behavior.  A kid being with a person they admire and modeling the traits they most admire about that person. 

I am eternally grateful to all the people who helped me raise my kids!  I did not do it alone.  There were their fathers, their grandparents, family members and friends.  There were step parents and significant others involved.  There were babysitters and teachers and coaches.  There were neighbors and youth directors…I could go on.  Many, many people loved my kids, took care of them, taught them and helped them become the people they are today. 

That story I mentioned at the beginning of this post reminded me that I really am grateful to the many people who have loved my kids and helped me raise them.  They are all grown up and I’m happy to say it worked out pretty damned well!  We done good J

I’m also grateful for the many people who love my grandchildren and are helping to raise them!  You are much appreciated!

Since I can’t grab you all and have you walk down aisles with me at weddings I’ll just have to say thank you.  It’s inadequate to express how I truly feel but thank you so very much!

Thoughts on being a Mom

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms out there!

Motherhood has been a strange and wonderful journey for me.  I'm what you could call a fly by night type of Mom.  I started into the Mom zone by accident shortly after graduating high school.

I got pregnant with my second during my disastrous and short first marriage.  (I lived with the guy for 3 months and then spent a year fighting for a divorce.)

I got pregnant with number 3 because of failed birth control.  I was the crabbiest about that one.  I had intended to have one more but just not right then!  I was crabby because I was still too tired from the other two to contemplate being that horrifically out numbered.

But despite being something of a train wreck with my family planning my kids have been the brightest spots in my life!  (Except when they're exasperating me, which is more often than I like, and continues to this very day tho they are grown, out on their own and 2/3's have kids of their own!)

My kids are my legacy.  They are what I will leave behind in the world.  When I'm dead, THEY will remember me and they will carry on who I was for as many generations as will remember me.  I know it all fades some day.  I don't know much about my ancestors...what did they think about the world and what made them happy or sad.  But for a while, my kids make me immortal.

Having kids educates you about what love means.  From the beginning, before they were born and especially after, I loved them more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being.  You won't understand until you have a child yourself.  It takes you completely by surprise, that first incredible feeling of love when you lay eyes on that little mess you just pushed out of yourself.  There are no words to express it but all moms know exactly what I'm talking about.

After a while, when you have enough sleepless nights and you miss having your body all to yourself, the shine wears off a bit but you still push on because you just love them so freaking much you have to.

One of my great memories is of my sister calling me in tears not so long after my nephew was born.  She was exhausted from being up most of every day and night with her fussy infant son and was distraught because she felt like she hated her child and something must be wrong with her.  I told her "welcome to motherhood!"  I reassured her that this is normal.

That's how it is.  Your kids can suck the life right out of you.  You'll stop sleeping.  Your sex life will slow to a dribble because you need those brief periods of peace where your body belongs to only you and it's just too much to ask to share it with your partner no matter how good that might feel.

You'll buy practical cars.  You'll stay home at night.  You'll work and work, day and night, to keep things like you want them for your kid.

You'll live in a house full of toys and there will be crap thrown everywhere.  You'll pick up constantly (and futilely) or give in and live in a sty and hope no one drops by for a visit without 48 hours notice.

You'll cook regular meals and try to be healthy.  Your kids won't want to eat it.  They'll want mac N cheese or PB&J sandwiches.

Your  life will revolve around caring for these little people.  You aren't supposed to have temper tantrums anymore.  You're the adult here!  Some days you'll wish someone else was around to do the adulting.  I wanted my mom to come adult for me sometimes!  At least I could call her and she'd make me laugh about it later.

You'll get to work and realize the baby spit up on your shoulder before you left and you didn't notice. Or that there's food on your shirt that you didn't notice.  Or that you missed putting mascara on one eye because the kids distracted you.

If you're breastfeeding and ride a motorcycle, your shirt will be soaked with breast milk very quickly. Vibrations will do that to you.  I learned that from experience.

You'll put in years of cleaning up vile bodily fluids and not get paid for it.  I never could tolerate vomit - I'd wrap a dish towel around my face and wear rubber gloves and try not to look at it to avoid adding to it - but I did it!  Also, avoid bargain diapers.  I got some discount diapers and ended up with poop all over my t-shirt, that I then had to take it off over my head.  Oh, and NEVER, NEVER lay back and toss a baby in the air after you've fed them unless you love getting a face full of spit up.  One of mine had projectile vomiting down to a science.  I'd come home after work and pick her up and whoosh!  There was her entire bottle!  You had to burp her every 15 seconds or you'd get hosed by that one.

Being a Mom is not for the faint-hearted.  It's not a saintly job either.  There was a lot of cursing going on when I did it.  Maybe not all out loud, but in my head.  My Mom was the same.  I remember her saying "chit" a lot.  She invented words that were close to swear words but not quite.  I found that amusing but I did it differently.  But not better.

I remember her being completely appalled when my 3 yr old daughter once raged at someone, calling them a dildo, in front of her.  I thought it was better to curse people by calling them dildos rather than fuckers but the look on my mother's face told me different.  Instead I taught my kids not to swear in front of Granny.

I realized that loving your kids is the opposite of loving a mate.  When you love your kids, your job is to grow them up and send them away from you to live their own lives.  You'll get to linger on the edges but their lives will switch priorities to their own core families and they will end up doing the same for their children.  That is as it should be.

Moral of the story?  Being a Mom is the thing I'm most proud of in my life.  I've been far from perfect but my kids survived and they know I love them.  They know I always will.

And there are always counselors to help them recover from my less than perfect parenting, as needed.

Car Hunters: Utah

Ken and Glenna are in the market for a new car.  They experienced a recent tragedy when Ken’s beloved Pontiac Grand Prix was totaled in an accident when a chair fell out of some idiot’s truck on the highway and caused collisions in an effort to avoid hitting the chair.  After a long and miserable few months trying to settle with some bad insurance companies they are finally ready to find a replacement vehicle.

The dealer is going to have his hands full as they have some differing views on what they want in a car. 

Ken is an very tall man and likes a lot of room in his cars.  He has a giant son to haul to various sports activities and requires space for equipment and spare boys who need rides.  His giant son will be getting his license soon so he has to consider insurance costs also.  He would be the primary driver as Glenna’s tiny Honda Civic coupe is a manual stick (he has bad knees) and is just plain tiny.  He isn’t afraid of car repairs since his father taught him some auto mechanics and he knows how to DIY many needed repairs himself.  He doesn’t like white cars.  He can be stubborn.

Glenna is a numbers person.  She reads reviews…longevity reviews, consumer reviews, to try to get an idea of the best cars that will give her the best deals with the bank.  She feels it’s a delicate balance and she has hedged out many options in her search for the brands that will give her the deal she wants.  In other words, she’s a brand snob when it comes to cars…her very favorites are Hondas and Toyotas.  She has even blackmailed people into buying those brand names (for their own good, in her opinion) if they needed her to co-sign a loan.  She can be stubborn.

Glenna is also not crazy about white cars but will tolerate the color if the other variables are good.

The dealer comes up with a Nissan Altima first.  It has low mileage and runs smoothly.  It’s very comfortable and the price is good.  It’s white.  They joke that they could name it Casper the friendly ghost to try to take the edge off the irritating whiteness.  Glenna had previously approved Nissans as an option because of advice from friends (Ken won that debate) but she does not like that it’s not a Toyota or a Honda (continuing brand snob issues – though she might consider it because it’s a really nice car…maybe) so they decide to look at a couple more.

Next he presents them with a Honda CR-V.  This one is hitting most of the points for both Glenna and Ken.  In fact Glenna is dancing with joy over it being a Honda AND a CR-V!  She loves CR-V’s!  She imagines driving it in the mountains with camping gear in the back.  There is plenty of room in the vehicle for kid/equipment hauling though Ken isn’t crazy about driving what he sort of considers a minivan.  Since he’s the main driver he’s not so sure about this though he does admit he likes it.  It’s over-budget but has low mileage so it would last a long time but would require them coming up with more money than they’d planned. 

Finally, the dealer presents them with a Ford Taurus.  These are rare cars as apparently their owners never don’t want to part with them and Ford doesn’t make enough of them.  Ken and Glenna would have to act quickly if this is the car they want.  Glenna will accept it because it’s highly rated on longevity lists despite the fact that it’s not a Honda or a Toyota.  Ken likes how spacious it is and its style (similar in scale to his totaled Grand Prix).  He’s already imagining taking his son to his next LaCrosse tournament in it and there are luxury options that aren't available in the other cars.  Glenna can tell he really likes it because he’s mentally test-moving in.  If he sets his heart on this one and she doesn’t, she knows it could be stressful.  The problem is its higher mileage than they like BUT it’s below budget.  Is it worth it with the high miles?  Will the car outlast the length of the loan??

So which will they choose? 

The Altima aka Casper the Friendly Ghost?

The over-budget CR-V?

Or the under-budget, high mileage Taurus?

Time for Ken and Glenna to go to some random bar and drink cocktails and make a decision whilst under the influence of alcohol.  (Just following the show format – don’t hate.)

<cut to commercial>

Audience loses interest and changes channels. 

I'm thankful for my friends!

I’m not the most social person around.  I’m an introvert.  I need a lot of time to myself.  It’s how I am. 

Even in a crowd I’ll climb into a book and leave the group mentally if necessary to get some private time to escape.   My mother used to be amazed at how far I’d go into a book.  She’d almost have to shake me or yell at me to get my attention at times.  I remember when I read Roots.  I buried myself in that for a week, every waking moment and when I came out of it I was kind of feeling a little shell shocked trying to catch up on what had happened while I’d been away.  That’s what it felt like anyway. 

Facebook suites my social style.  It has opened up a line of contact with people that works super well for my personality!  I can interact with people without having much face time.  I get to manage my time the way I want and yet keep in contact.  It’s really nice J

I’m not such an introvert that I look at my feet when I talk to people but I tend not to seek people out.  I’m not shy.  I have a lot of confidence in myself so no reason to be shy.  I’m very comfortable in my own skin, but I tend to be somewhat reserved with strangers.  It can take me a while. 

I can be warm and welcoming.  Luckily I have parents who are extroverts and I watched them meet people and make them feel at ease.  My Dad would just walk up to complete strangers and start chatting with them and they’d start smiling back at him pretty quickly.  He can be very charming when he wants to turn it on.  He was quite fearless too.  I never knew him to hesitate to walk up to someone if he felt some need to speak with them!

My Mom is a warm, good natured person with a talent for gentle flirting and she charms people with ease (at least that’s how it looked to me – half my male friends in HS had crushes on her!)  I learned from them.  I can make people feel at ease and show them a warm smile when we meet.  But I could NEVER be a salesperson!  I know my limitations!

I rarely call people.  I pretty much never stop by to chat.  I’m horrible at small talk.  If I know you well and feel comfortable with you I’ll talk your ear off.  I talk with my hands too when excited so you may have to duck!  You’ll never guess that I’m an introvert except for the fact that after we part I can go back into my “cave” and not have contact for a long time.  I spend a lot of time by myself and I’m very content with that 98% of the time.  That other 2% means I will finally make a phone call. 

The best way I can put it is that I live a very active internal life.  I don’t have a great drive to add to it with an active external life.  I’m somewhat topped out all the time already.  That’s probably the best way I can explain it.

At the same time, I can get lonely being the way I am.  I NEED people even if I’m not, by nature, driven to seek them out.  There are a few who “get” me, maybe because they are similar and I value them highly!  I can go for weeks/months/years without talking to some of them and when we meet up it’s like we’re picking up where we left off.  They know I love them even if we haven’t been in touch for a long time.  They know we’re solid and there is nothing to prove or live up to. 

Having me as a friend can be great because I’m low maintenance.  On the other hand, I’m low maintenance and that can be a problem for some who need more than that. 

Reasons why I’m grateful for my friends:

1. Distraction from my own troubles. 

Hearing about their troubles gets me out of myself and helps remind me that there is more going on in the world than what I personally experience in my little bubble. 

1. They love me in spite of myself sometimes. 
    
   I’m not always an easy person to be around.  Yeah, I know, you just can’t believe that but trust me, it’s true!  When I’m being a whiney wuss or a crabby bitch or being snotty or bossy or full of myself, they love enough of my good qualities to forgive my bad or sometimes they kick my crabby ass and tell me to knock it off because they know that I’ll love them anyway.  Even if I get mad at them, I’ll love them anyway. 
    
2. Sometimes they make me cry. 
    
   Sometimes this is bad.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Sometimes my heart breaks for them with the losses they suffer and the adversity they have to face! 
    
   Sometimes it’s in a good way.  The other day I was having a really bad day.  I was really stressed out and hurting.  My friend sent me a message that said I was awesome, made me laugh and cry and reassured me that I’m doing ok despite some evidence to the contrary. 
    
3. They make me laugh!
    
   They post funny things on facebook.  They send me emails and entertain me.  They say funny things when we’re hanging out.  I made the “floaty head” with one of them and we giggled half the damned night over it!  They crack jokes and are not PC.  They are sometimes terribly lewd and inappropriate and they make sure to share those things with me!  They soooo get me J
    
4. They fight with me.

Not all the time, thankfully, but when we have differences they will stick it out and argue an issue.  They don’t puss out.  They don’t run away.  They don’t turn their backs on me because we don’t think the same about everything.  They have the guts and enough faith in our friendship to disagree without running away.  Luckily I don’t fight much with my friends but when I do, I like to know that there is enough to our relationship that we can get really gut honest about our opinions without fear of losing a friend and that we can find compromise if not common ground.

1. Because they are cool, unique people!
    
   My friends are smart, interesting and sassy.  They are funny and they love to laugh and have fun!  They are equally good at lying in the sun with me like slugs and soaking it up.  They marvel at the world with me.  They can be bitchy.  They can be aggressive.  They share a common love of family.  Some of us swap books.  A LOT of books!  Some of them know what it means when I say “let’s get on vent” or “my DPS sucks”. 
    
2. They challenge me.

They share their experiences and views with me and it can change the way I see the world.  I can find out how things feel for others and hear about places I’ve never been.  They share themselves with me and I return the favor.  I count on their insight and knowledge!

1. Some of them share my history.

Some of them have been friends of mine for many years.  There are a few that go back so far I have a hard time remembering life before they were in mine.  Our time together has ebbed and flowed but they were with me during some important years of my life and they will ALWAYS matter to me.  They are part of the story of my life and who I am.  If you were a friend of mine, guess what?  You still are.  We’re solid.

 

Dreaming

I'm trying to recall my dreams of last night.  They were really weird.  Here's what I recall...

(dream smoke rolls in)

I'm talking on the phone with my granddaughter Brooke.  She's telling me she doesn't really like the earrings I sent her.  I was telling her how my friend Kim and I had been shopping and thought they were cute, so I got them for her, but if she doesn't like them...we were trying to figure out who she would give them to.

(cut away...gets blurry here)

I'm looking frantically for something.  I suddenly remember I'm on the phone with Brooke and I get stressed because we hadn't said good-bye!  I find my phone, she's still on it so we continue to visit.

At this point I realize I have no pants on.  Not even underwear!  And there are people in my house!  People I don't know!

I try to get into my bathroom but the door is shut and Lacey says she shut it for my convenience.  ??? Someone comes out and someone else goes in right away.  I sit there, balled up, trying to hide that I have no pants on, asking Lacey who are these people in my house?  She doesn't respond.  I keep trying to hold my conversation with Brooke, like nothing weird is happening on my end.

I start wondering if I'm going senile?  That would explain my lack of pants and forgetting I'd been on the phone with Brooke...oh no, I'm going senile!

Then I wake up.

As I'm trying to remember this dream so I can write it down, I'm making my bed.  Then I realize that I forgot to put my shirt on tho I'd planned to be fully dressed when I made my bed.  I knew what shirt I was supposed to have on already but there it is, sitting there, not on me.  I got distracted thinking about my dream and started making my bed and forgot to put my shirt on.  Luckily there aren't any strange people in my house today.

Could I be going senile?

3/4/15 crabby vent

Less than 30 minutes until Survivor!  Gotta write fast!

Today I've been struggling with frustration.  I think mostly due to being hangry.

> Got candy at work...Mounds bar today (I LOVE THOSE!) that says something grateful for employee appreciation...is it a week?  I've been getting candy every day all week.  So, on the one hand I got CANDY!!!  And thank you notes!!!  On the other hand I'm on a 1,200 calorie/day diet and this is seriously fucking with that since I have a severe weakness for sugar and chocolate and little self control.  I need employee appreciation week to end to save me from myself!  I'm not doing so well on my diet.  The Mounds bar has been eaten.

> I went to 5 department stores today.  It's, like, 8 degrees out and windy.  5 department stores!!!  Why?  I want to get my daughter a double boiler and preferred to actually handle the product first to make sure the bottom sauce pan has a heavy, solid base.  This is important for how we use it!  Well, out of the 5 stores I ran in and out of today, 1 carried one.  And it was for twice as much as I had budgeted to spend.  It wasn't that special.  So after freezing my butt off I had to finally admit defeat and order my fall back option on-line.

> By the time I got to Walmart (last stop, except for Taco John's - yeah I'm killing my diet today BIG TIME) my hair was doing some serious static shit so I dug in my purse, found a pony tail holder and mashed one up on the top of my head.  My hair is not long.  This isn't the best look.  I also left my blue aviators on.  People commented.  I told them I was tired of changing glasses.  They are spectacular glasses but people probably aren't used to looking in blue reflective lenses in the check out.

> After not finding the pot I wanted, I shopped for a birthday card and found out they are only slightly amusing if you like to talk about getting drunk, poop, running around naked or sagging boobs for your birthday.  Sorry but not what I want to give to my daughter!  The lack of imagination in greeting cards is disgusting in recent years.

> I blew my diet.  I went to Taco John's (it's near WM and I was so hungry I was wanting to bite people, not go home and cook something up) and got a burrito.  It was damned good!  Plus I had my last diet Mountain Dew.  In fact I'm still nursing it now.  I'm going off the diet pop in an effort to be healthier.  I'd be lying if I said I was happy to be doing this.

> I get home to find I need to shovel again.  It's garbage day tomorrow.  And I've decided I don't care.  I'm not going to shovel and I'm not going to take my garbage out to the street.  It's too freaking cold and I'm hungry so the whole thing can just piss off!  I'll wait for the thaw on Friday.  People just have to walk thru it for another day.

> I was gifted with a pail of heaping garbage by my sink when I arrived in my kitchen with my groceries.  Unexpected gift!  So thoughtful!  I decided to feed myself first to calm my hangry nerves and then deal with it.  I decided to dump it all into a bigger bag.  In doing so I spilled it all over the floor.  I'm inept with bag transference.

I've had worse days but I'm feeling a bit pissy so felt compelled to write.  Time to go watch Survivor.
Here's a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray.  Enjoy!

Recent mental discussions with myself:

Recent mental discussions with myself:

• The calorie tracker app says eat more fiber with your breakfast.  The calorie tracker says drink more water (bleah - why does it have to taste like water?).  The calorie tracker says you were jacking the hell out of your cholesterol when you ate those eggs.   Nenenenenenene…that freaking, annoying calorie tracker is a pain in my ass!
  
  
• There’s even sodium in my Diet Mountain Dew.  Dammit!  This stupid calorie tracker is pooping on a lot of my favorite things.  I’m keeping the Diet Mountain Dew.  Piss off calorie calculator!  I’m not ready to give that up yet!
   
• Eating less than 1,400 calories a day is making me crabby.  I keep telling myself being hungry is good but it doesn’t feel good.  Not at all!  I DO NOT LIKE THIS!!!  Grrrrrrrrrr  I'd better adjust to this pretty damned soon or it's going to get ugly!
   
• I’m sick of snacking on baby carrots.  (I've done this twice now this week)
   
• I’m tired.  I worked out yesterday and the day before so I think I’ll take a day off and be a bum.
   Do you want to keep being fat???
   No <grimace>
  Then get your ass on that damned treadmill!!!  You can have supper after you work up a sweat.
   
• My knee hurts. 
  Quit your whining and walk.  Man up.  Don't be a pussy.
   
• I don’t care what you say, I’m taking the parking garage elevator in the mornings.  Bending isn’t my knee’s friend lately and I’m giving it a break until it sort of loosens up during the day!
  Sigh.  Fine then.  Elevator in the morning.  Down only.  You walk up the stairs after work.
   
• Being sweaty daily is becoming the least of my discomforts. 
   
• Thank goodness for angel food cake!  It’s keeping me semi-sane!
   
• Yeah, I talk to myself a lot.  What of it???
   

Chasing the dog

I grew up in two different houses on Monte Drive in Mandan, ND.  The houses were on either side of the Rader household.  I went to school with Rhonda Rader and spent plenty of time at her house playing as a kid. 

I attended Lewis and Clark grade school.  We walked to school.  It was only a few blocks. 

There was a sidewalk thru the middle of our block that we’d take.  Such a nice touch when I think about it!  I’m not sure who was inspired to put that sidewalk thru the middle of the block but it was a nice place to walk.  It’s now part of my childhood memories.  As I write about it I remember the fences on either side and the greenery that added the “pretty” effect to the walk.  It felt rather like a pretty garden path that you couldn’t go off of without climbing a fence into someone’s yard.  We all knew to be respectful of other people’s property! 

Well, except for the lovely lady at the end of our street.  I wish I could recall her name!  When we’d come across injured birds we’d take them to her.  She would fix them up. 

She had a lovely garden in her yard and raspberry bushes.  The bushes ran in rows.  I remember crouching down in between the rows, reaching thru the poking branches to get at those pretty berries and eating them as quickly as I could pick them.  If she had bad harvests it was probably my fault.  I can’t even recall for sure if I had any cohorts.  Probably, but I don’t recall for sure and I won’t incriminate them.  There was something wonderful about having stolen raspberries!  At least as far as I was concerned. 

There are so many memories of my years in that neighborhood!  Mostly good.  The one that comes dancing to my mind today is a memory of our dog Penny. 

We had two dogs most of the time.  My Mom believed that dogs needed other dogs to be happy and for company when their people weren’t home so I grew up with multiples in the house. 

When we had Penny we also had Snoox.  I’m not sure either dog was especially fond of the other.  I don’t recall them being great friends.  Snoox was a pure bred cocker spaniel with a mean streak.  She had puppies and then would attack them if they got too close to her food dish.  She made one of their eyes bleed once.  She didn’t win any motherhood awards.  I loved that dog tho and she loved me.  Even after all these years I can still recall her face and how silky her fur felt under my hand. 

Penny was a mutt.  We guessed she might have some sheltie or border collie in her.  She was multi colored on white with flowing feathers on her legs.  She had a deep chest and tho relatively small, she was built for speed.  I always imagined she was part greyhound!  There weren’t a lot of greyhounds in ND (not a great climate for them) so I rather doubt she was but her build, aside from the longer hair, made me think of a small greyhound. 

Penny was my Mom’s dog.  She loved my Mom above all other human beings. 

She loved our Grandma almost as much.  She would go bat shit crazy when Grandma would come for visits and her trademark was to sit on Grandma’s feet as soon as she calmed down from her hysterical joy enough to do so. 

My Mom and I were talking about her the other night on the phone.  About how years later, after Mom had sent her to live with Ralph Berger (he had a place on the river where Penny could run freely and she stayed with him until she died) she brought Grandma out for a visit.  It had been years since they’d last seen each other but Penny remembered!  She, once again, showed her hysterical joy at Grandma’s presence and then sat on her feet.  Mom says Grandma threw her head back and roared a great laugh about it!  Grandma used to act annoyed by Penny’s adoration but she was also charmed by it in spite of herself.  Kind of hard to resist someone who loves you so much even if they are hairy and want to give you slobber kisses, which wasn't really Grandma's style.

At our house, during the years when we had Penny, we had to be very careful going in and out of the door because Penny could squeeze past you, given the opportunity, and she’d be gone like a shot!

Those great escapes of Penny were what my mind wandered to this morning.  One of my favorites was on a warm summer evening.  Penny got out and her true joy began! 

All of the neighborhood kids suddenly had purpose also.  Everyone on the block knew Penny.  She’d get loose and the chase was on!

I remember my siblings and I and my neighborhood friends all racing around, yelling strategy to each other, running as fast as we could, trying to outsmart and catch the dog. 

I remember Penny running flat out, like a little bolt of colorful greased lightning, tongue lolling out the side of her mouth as she flew, racing as fast as she could around the grassy area at the end of the street.  She looked like she was laughing at us dog style.

I remember the gasps of fear when she’d race across Sunset Drive on her way to the even larger grassy expanses on the other side.  All of us kids following more slowly, being wisely wary of the traffic. 

It was a great game to her.  It was a game to us also though we never planned it. Penny planned it. 

Her great joy was racing like the wind and keeping just out of our reach until she’d finally had enough and decided to let us catch her.  I can’t think of Penny without thinking of her racing, low to the ground, at incredible speed with that tongue hanging out and the look of joy on her face.  I will also remember running with my friends trying to catch her on a warm summer evening. 

Dogs really can look joyful.  She certainly did! 

The Pioneers

Here's a website about the show I'm reviewing in this blog.

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/the-pioneers/

Last night I discovered a TV “reality” show called The Pioneers, where 4 couples go out into the wilds of SD and try to live like their settler ancestors.   PBS did a show like this years ago and I really enjoyed it so I was excited to watch.  The PBS show producers were real sticklers about trying to stay within historical parameters and actually graded the cast at the end of the show as to how well they immersed themselves into the period.  I thought this show would be the same.  I was horribly wrong.

Now I’m watching and looking for the flaws.  There have been many.  I watched 4 episodes last night.  Says something about the other programming options for the evening doesn’t it?

I believe they put these folks out there, for reals, but many of the supposed obstacles they come across seemed so terribly, painfully staged!

One of the first ones was a big cottonwood tree lying across the route they wanted to take.  Their Lakota Indian guide was going on about how it wasn’t there before so it must have just come down!  I’m looking at its bleached, leafless hulk and thinking this tree has been down for freaking years, dude.  K

I’ve already become annoyed by some earlier things like a pokey goat that they all wanted to leave behind after about an hour of walking - I’m watching this wondering WTF these people are doing on this show anyway if they can’t handle walking with a goat on a leash for an hour or two?  Way to commit to the 3 month experience folks.  K

Anyway, back to the tree obstacle.  They spend a lot of time debating how to get around this tree.  I grew up in ND.  It’s not terribly different from SD.  I have NEVER, in my entire life, come across a tree I could not get around.  K

Guess what the solution was?  Dynamite. 

You heard me.  I said dynamite.  Turns out one of the dudes decided he needed to bring dynamite along as one of his personal items.  REALLY???  I’m trying to wrap my head around why anyone would decide that they needed to bring dynamite along on a 3 month trek to dig out and build a sod house and try to live on the SD prairie for 3 months?

That’s when I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this show was bogus. 

Anyway.  The plan was to tie this dynamite to a tree and then step back and shoot it to ignite it.  K  This apparently took hours because in the shot where he’s tying it it’s daylight but by the time he steps back to shoot it, it’s dusk and he needs lanterns (he didn’t really and yes they would be blown up too) and then he shoots.  They show the shot hit right as the dynamite blows.  The tree hadn’t budged in that shot that I saw.  I was thinking how they’d put the dynamite in a stupid location on the tree and it had failed.  Then they cut to another shot showing the miraculous results where the end of the tree has been blown completely off and is still smoking!  It’s…gasp… it’s a miracle!  Let us pray.   (I think the production staff worked hard to chainsaw that off and then burn it until it didn’t look chainsawed anymore and they did it as fast as their little selves could scramble – praise be!)

Sigh.

By this point I was sucked in.  I knew this was fake.  In a way.  I’m kind of sure they sleep outside like a camping trip.  Kind of. 

EXCEPT.  They broke their wagon and had to stay the night despite the suspect TNT action on the tree.  The next morning when they were all rolling out of bed and carrying on about getting ready to roll I’m noticing the sun position and thinking is it like noon??  Did they actually sleep until noon??  It looked like it was closer to lunch time than morning light wise.  Somehow I’m not buying into the faux waking up scenes.  I know what morning looks like. 

Anyway, their Indian guide leads them on towards their homestead.  Let me mention that in episode 1 the narrator said it was a 2 day trip.  In episode 2 it was magically a 3 day trip.  Editing people.  Pay attention!  I know you really wanted to blow something up to try to create some interest but pay attention to some of the details ok?

They are going on and on about how they are so grateful for their Indian guide leading them across the plains to their new home.  They never would have found the way without him!  K  I’m looking at it and they are clomping down a rutted dirt road.  Yeah.  I need a guide for that.  Too hard to follow a road without a guide.  I call it Indian GPS.  No, I’m not PC.

They come to a barbed wire fence delineating the border of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, where the rest of the show will take place.  Their GPS asks them if they’re sure they want to continue.  It’s been a day or two and the cast debates if they can take anymore because this has been so much harder than they’d expected.  (really?)  I swear they never would tolerate a camping trip with me!  No makeup, tents but KOA because I do enjoy a daily shower on the road and the one in Rapid City has free pancakes!  But shit, if they can’t take riding in a wagon for 2 days???

Gutsy folk that they are, they decide to cross the barbed wire border into Standing Rock. 

They have drama there, their GPS leaves them.  They celebrate how they made it just like their ancestors!  HUZZAH!  Oh wait.  Their ancestors actually went longer than 3 days and didn’t have a tap out option and actually were committed to their trip so…

They have to go down a hill with their overloaded wagons.  One tips over.  Expected.  Not bad.  Until later that night…

They are sitting around the campfire, singing songs with their guitar (luckily there always seems to be someone who can play and carry a tune in a bunch like this instead of talentless and tone deaf singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall).  Suddenly a couple trucks with headlights come tearing down, driving in fast circles around the camp and the cast grabs their guns to face down these intruders.  The cameras get shut off as they discuss land lease agreements. 

When the truck drivers leave one of the couples decides this has all been too terrifying and it’s time to drop out of the show. 

Wow.

Aside:  Have I mentioned that I grew up in Mandan, ND?  I’m familiar with Standing Rock.  I grew up just north of it.  I’m sorry but I just have a really hard time believing that the folks at Standing Rock would decide to wait until dark to check out intruders on their land and that they would go in and peel around in their trucks in an aggressive manner if they didn’t know what was going on there.  In fact, I really don’t believe that would ever actually happen.  I think that entire scenario was staged. 

Sigh.

And on to building the sod house.  Let me just say these people dig like mo-fo’s!  Looked like someone dug the 6’ pit out with a backhoe but nope, it was just these guys and they weren’t even dirty or anything!  No complaints of blisters on their hands or sore backs or anything!  It’s miraculous.  Let us pray.

The womenfolk go hunting for food.  After about 5 hrs they shoot a rabbit.  This I believe really happened because man, they shot the hell out of that rabbit’s back!  I mean, his spine was mostly gone!  No neat little shot with a 22…they almost blew that thing in half!  THAT was real.  Hell yeah!  Messy as hell!  The womenfolk killed a rabbit and then one even did the obligatory cry about it.  Because women always cry when a bunny is killed. 

Then the rains came.  And the flash flood. 

There are so many, many things I question about this flash flood. 

1.  When you need to supposedly escape a potential flash flood and get to higher ground as fast as you can, why on earth would you cut all of the horses loose, slap them on their asses and set them free???  Wouldn’t it make more sense to ride them up the hill?  I would ride them up the hill.  JS.
2. When you get a little bit of water in your wagon because of a downpour you suddenly decide you must leave said wagon and race for higher ground. 
3. Whose bright idea was it to put the lumber for the sod house there?  Faking a flood is rather difficult to do but…
4. The storm was so bad they had to shut off the cameras.  Amazingly the next morning, the cast looked clean, neat and dry.  How is that possible when they left the wagon to go out in the rain in the middle of the night with no shelter?  They should have been a muddy mess!  Oh, and no one complained about being exhausted from lack of sleep.  I watch Survivor.  I watch the crying, shivering and carrying on that goes on during rainstorms on Survivor.  I’ve camped in rain – you don’t touch the sides of your tent during rain – seriously!  All of this makes me very suspicious.  I’m thinking there was an RV somewhere they all hung out in.
5. They couldn’t have staged a flash flood could they?

Once again they all debated if they were going to call it off.  Then they decide that this is all part of the experience and they’ll tough it out.  And by tough it out they’ll run for the hidden RV during the next flash flood.

I can’t prove the existence of this hidden RV but I believe it exists.

Will I watch another episode?  Maybe.  If I don’t forget about this show by next Tuesday.