Car Hunters: Utah

Ken and Glenna are in the market for a new car.  They experienced a recent tragedy when Ken’s beloved Pontiac Grand Prix was totaled in an accident when a chair fell out of some idiot’s truck on the highway and caused collisions in an effort to avoid hitting the chair.  After a long and miserable few months trying to settle with some bad insurance companies they are finally ready to find a replacement vehicle.

The dealer is going to have his hands full as they have some differing views on what they want in a car. 

Ken is an very tall man and likes a lot of room in his cars.  He has a giant son to haul to various sports activities and requires space for equipment and spare boys who need rides.  His giant son will be getting his license soon so he has to consider insurance costs also.  He would be the primary driver as Glenna’s tiny Honda Civic coupe is a manual stick (he has bad knees) and is just plain tiny.  He isn’t afraid of car repairs since his father taught him some auto mechanics and he knows how to DIY many needed repairs himself.  He doesn’t like white cars.  He can be stubborn.

Glenna is a numbers person.  She reads reviews…longevity reviews, consumer reviews, to try to get an idea of the best cars that will give her the best deals with the bank.  She feels it’s a delicate balance and she has hedged out many options in her search for the brands that will give her the deal she wants.  In other words, she’s a brand snob when it comes to cars…her very favorites are Hondas and Toyotas.  She has even blackmailed people into buying those brand names (for their own good, in her opinion) if they needed her to co-sign a loan.  She can be stubborn.

Glenna is also not crazy about white cars but will tolerate the color if the other variables are good.

The dealer comes up with a Nissan Altima first.  It has low mileage and runs smoothly.  It’s very comfortable and the price is good.  It’s white.  They joke that they could name it Casper the friendly ghost to try to take the edge off the irritating whiteness.  Glenna had previously approved Nissans as an option because of advice from friends (Ken won that debate) but she does not like that it’s not a Toyota or a Honda (continuing brand snob issues – though she might consider it because it’s a really nice car…maybe) so they decide to look at a couple more.

Next he presents them with a Honda CR-V.  This one is hitting most of the points for both Glenna and Ken.  In fact Glenna is dancing with joy over it being a Honda AND a CR-V!  She loves CR-V’s!  She imagines driving it in the mountains with camping gear in the back.  There is plenty of room in the vehicle for kid/equipment hauling though Ken isn’t crazy about driving what he sort of considers a minivan.  Since he’s the main driver he’s not so sure about this though he does admit he likes it.  It’s over-budget but has low mileage so it would last a long time but would require them coming up with more money than they’d planned. 

Finally, the dealer presents them with a Ford Taurus.  These are rare cars as apparently their owners never don’t want to part with them and Ford doesn’t make enough of them.  Ken and Glenna would have to act quickly if this is the car they want.  Glenna will accept it because it’s highly rated on longevity lists despite the fact that it’s not a Honda or a Toyota.  Ken likes how spacious it is and its style (similar in scale to his totaled Grand Prix).  He’s already imagining taking his son to his next LaCrosse tournament in it and there are luxury options that aren't available in the other cars.  Glenna can tell he really likes it because he’s mentally test-moving in.  If he sets his heart on this one and she doesn’t, she knows it could be stressful.  The problem is its higher mileage than they like BUT it’s below budget.  Is it worth it with the high miles?  Will the car outlast the length of the loan??

So which will they choose? 

The Altima aka Casper the Friendly Ghost?

The over-budget CR-V?

Or the under-budget, high mileage Taurus?

Time for Ken and Glenna to go to some random bar and drink cocktails and make a decision whilst under the influence of alcohol.  (Just following the show format – don’t hate.)

<cut to commercial>

Audience loses interest and changes channels. 

I'm thankful for my friends!

I’m not the most social person around.  I’m an introvert.  I need a lot of time to myself.  It’s how I am. 

Even in a crowd I’ll climb into a book and leave the group mentally if necessary to get some private time to escape.   My mother used to be amazed at how far I’d go into a book.  She’d almost have to shake me or yell at me to get my attention at times.  I remember when I read Roots.  I buried myself in that for a week, every waking moment and when I came out of it I was kind of feeling a little shell shocked trying to catch up on what had happened while I’d been away.  That’s what it felt like anyway. 

Facebook suites my social style.  It has opened up a line of contact with people that works super well for my personality!  I can interact with people without having much face time.  I get to manage my time the way I want and yet keep in contact.  It’s really nice J

I’m not such an introvert that I look at my feet when I talk to people but I tend not to seek people out.  I’m not shy.  I have a lot of confidence in myself so no reason to be shy.  I’m very comfortable in my own skin, but I tend to be somewhat reserved with strangers.  It can take me a while. 

I can be warm and welcoming.  Luckily I have parents who are extroverts and I watched them meet people and make them feel at ease.  My Dad would just walk up to complete strangers and start chatting with them and they’d start smiling back at him pretty quickly.  He can be very charming when he wants to turn it on.  He was quite fearless too.  I never knew him to hesitate to walk up to someone if he felt some need to speak with them!

My Mom is a warm, good natured person with a talent for gentle flirting and she charms people with ease (at least that’s how it looked to me – half my male friends in HS had crushes on her!)  I learned from them.  I can make people feel at ease and show them a warm smile when we meet.  But I could NEVER be a salesperson!  I know my limitations!

I rarely call people.  I pretty much never stop by to chat.  I’m horrible at small talk.  If I know you well and feel comfortable with you I’ll talk your ear off.  I talk with my hands too when excited so you may have to duck!  You’ll never guess that I’m an introvert except for the fact that after we part I can go back into my “cave” and not have contact for a long time.  I spend a lot of time by myself and I’m very content with that 98% of the time.  That other 2% means I will finally make a phone call. 

The best way I can put it is that I live a very active internal life.  I don’t have a great drive to add to it with an active external life.  I’m somewhat topped out all the time already.  That’s probably the best way I can explain it.

At the same time, I can get lonely being the way I am.  I NEED people even if I’m not, by nature, driven to seek them out.  There are a few who “get” me, maybe because they are similar and I value them highly!  I can go for weeks/months/years without talking to some of them and when we meet up it’s like we’re picking up where we left off.  They know I love them even if we haven’t been in touch for a long time.  They know we’re solid and there is nothing to prove or live up to. 

Having me as a friend can be great because I’m low maintenance.  On the other hand, I’m low maintenance and that can be a problem for some who need more than that. 

Reasons why I’m grateful for my friends:

1. Distraction from my own troubles. 

Hearing about their troubles gets me out of myself and helps remind me that there is more going on in the world than what I personally experience in my little bubble. 

1. They love me in spite of myself sometimes. 
    
   I’m not always an easy person to be around.  Yeah, I know, you just can’t believe that but trust me, it’s true!  When I’m being a whiney wuss or a crabby bitch or being snotty or bossy or full of myself, they love enough of my good qualities to forgive my bad or sometimes they kick my crabby ass and tell me to knock it off because they know that I’ll love them anyway.  Even if I get mad at them, I’ll love them anyway. 
    
2. Sometimes they make me cry. 
    
   Sometimes this is bad.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Sometimes my heart breaks for them with the losses they suffer and the adversity they have to face! 
    
   Sometimes it’s in a good way.  The other day I was having a really bad day.  I was really stressed out and hurting.  My friend sent me a message that said I was awesome, made me laugh and cry and reassured me that I’m doing ok despite some evidence to the contrary. 
    
3. They make me laugh!
    
   They post funny things on facebook.  They send me emails and entertain me.  They say funny things when we’re hanging out.  I made the “floaty head” with one of them and we giggled half the damned night over it!  They crack jokes and are not PC.  They are sometimes terribly lewd and inappropriate and they make sure to share those things with me!  They soooo get me J
    
4. They fight with me.

Not all the time, thankfully, but when we have differences they will stick it out and argue an issue.  They don’t puss out.  They don’t run away.  They don’t turn their backs on me because we don’t think the same about everything.  They have the guts and enough faith in our friendship to disagree without running away.  Luckily I don’t fight much with my friends but when I do, I like to know that there is enough to our relationship that we can get really gut honest about our opinions without fear of losing a friend and that we can find compromise if not common ground.

1. Because they are cool, unique people!
    
   My friends are smart, interesting and sassy.  They are funny and they love to laugh and have fun!  They are equally good at lying in the sun with me like slugs and soaking it up.  They marvel at the world with me.  They can be bitchy.  They can be aggressive.  They share a common love of family.  Some of us swap books.  A LOT of books!  Some of them know what it means when I say “let’s get on vent” or “my DPS sucks”. 
    
2. They challenge me.

They share their experiences and views with me and it can change the way I see the world.  I can find out how things feel for others and hear about places I’ve never been.  They share themselves with me and I return the favor.  I count on their insight and knowledge!

1. Some of them share my history.

Some of them have been friends of mine for many years.  There are a few that go back so far I have a hard time remembering life before they were in mine.  Our time together has ebbed and flowed but they were with me during some important years of my life and they will ALWAYS matter to me.  They are part of the story of my life and who I am.  If you were a friend of mine, guess what?  You still are.  We’re solid.

 

Dreaming

I'm trying to recall my dreams of last night.  They were really weird.  Here's what I recall...

(dream smoke rolls in)

I'm talking on the phone with my granddaughter Brooke.  She's telling me she doesn't really like the earrings I sent her.  I was telling her how my friend Kim and I had been shopping and thought they were cute, so I got them for her, but if she doesn't like them...we were trying to figure out who she would give them to.

(cut away...gets blurry here)

I'm looking frantically for something.  I suddenly remember I'm on the phone with Brooke and I get stressed because we hadn't said good-bye!  I find my phone, she's still on it so we continue to visit.

At this point I realize I have no pants on.  Not even underwear!  And there are people in my house!  People I don't know!

I try to get into my bathroom but the door is shut and Lacey says she shut it for my convenience.  ??? Someone comes out and someone else goes in right away.  I sit there, balled up, trying to hide that I have no pants on, asking Lacey who are these people in my house?  She doesn't respond.  I keep trying to hold my conversation with Brooke, like nothing weird is happening on my end.

I start wondering if I'm going senile?  That would explain my lack of pants and forgetting I'd been on the phone with Brooke...oh no, I'm going senile!

Then I wake up.

As I'm trying to remember this dream so I can write it down, I'm making my bed.  Then I realize that I forgot to put my shirt on tho I'd planned to be fully dressed when I made my bed.  I knew what shirt I was supposed to have on already but there it is, sitting there, not on me.  I got distracted thinking about my dream and started making my bed and forgot to put my shirt on.  Luckily there aren't any strange people in my house today.

Could I be going senile?

3/4/15 crabby vent

Less than 30 minutes until Survivor!  Gotta write fast!

Today I've been struggling with frustration.  I think mostly due to being hangry.

> Got candy at work...Mounds bar today (I LOVE THOSE!) that says something grateful for employee appreciation...is it a week?  I've been getting candy every day all week.  So, on the one hand I got CANDY!!!  And thank you notes!!!  On the other hand I'm on a 1,200 calorie/day diet and this is seriously fucking with that since I have a severe weakness for sugar and chocolate and little self control.  I need employee appreciation week to end to save me from myself!  I'm not doing so well on my diet.  The Mounds bar has been eaten.

> I went to 5 department stores today.  It's, like, 8 degrees out and windy.  5 department stores!!!  Why?  I want to get my daughter a double boiler and preferred to actually handle the product first to make sure the bottom sauce pan has a heavy, solid base.  This is important for how we use it!  Well, out of the 5 stores I ran in and out of today, 1 carried one.  And it was for twice as much as I had budgeted to spend.  It wasn't that special.  So after freezing my butt off I had to finally admit defeat and order my fall back option on-line.

> By the time I got to Walmart (last stop, except for Taco John's - yeah I'm killing my diet today BIG TIME) my hair was doing some serious static shit so I dug in my purse, found a pony tail holder and mashed one up on the top of my head.  My hair is not long.  This isn't the best look.  I also left my blue aviators on.  People commented.  I told them I was tired of changing glasses.  They are spectacular glasses but people probably aren't used to looking in blue reflective lenses in the check out.

> After not finding the pot I wanted, I shopped for a birthday card and found out they are only slightly amusing if you like to talk about getting drunk, poop, running around naked or sagging boobs for your birthday.  Sorry but not what I want to give to my daughter!  The lack of imagination in greeting cards is disgusting in recent years.

> I blew my diet.  I went to Taco John's (it's near WM and I was so hungry I was wanting to bite people, not go home and cook something up) and got a burrito.  It was damned good!  Plus I had my last diet Mountain Dew.  In fact I'm still nursing it now.  I'm going off the diet pop in an effort to be healthier.  I'd be lying if I said I was happy to be doing this.

> I get home to find I need to shovel again.  It's garbage day tomorrow.  And I've decided I don't care.  I'm not going to shovel and I'm not going to take my garbage out to the street.  It's too freaking cold and I'm hungry so the whole thing can just piss off!  I'll wait for the thaw on Friday.  People just have to walk thru it for another day.

> I was gifted with a pail of heaping garbage by my sink when I arrived in my kitchen with my groceries.  Unexpected gift!  So thoughtful!  I decided to feed myself first to calm my hangry nerves and then deal with it.  I decided to dump it all into a bigger bag.  In doing so I spilled it all over the floor.  I'm inept with bag transference.

I've had worse days but I'm feeling a bit pissy so felt compelled to write.  Time to go watch Survivor.
Here's a gratuitous picture of Bill Murray.  Enjoy!

Recent mental discussions with myself:

Recent mental discussions with myself:

• The calorie tracker app says eat more fiber with your breakfast.  The calorie tracker says drink more water (bleah - why does it have to taste like water?).  The calorie tracker says you were jacking the hell out of your cholesterol when you ate those eggs.   Nenenenenenene…that freaking, annoying calorie tracker is a pain in my ass!
  
  
• There’s even sodium in my Diet Mountain Dew.  Dammit!  This stupid calorie tracker is pooping on a lot of my favorite things.  I’m keeping the Diet Mountain Dew.  Piss off calorie calculator!  I’m not ready to give that up yet!
   
• Eating less than 1,400 calories a day is making me crabby.  I keep telling myself being hungry is good but it doesn’t feel good.  Not at all!  I DO NOT LIKE THIS!!!  Grrrrrrrrrr  I'd better adjust to this pretty damned soon or it's going to get ugly!
   
• I’m sick of snacking on baby carrots.  (I've done this twice now this week)
   
• I’m tired.  I worked out yesterday and the day before so I think I’ll take a day off and be a bum.
   Do you want to keep being fat???
   No <grimace>
  Then get your ass on that damned treadmill!!!  You can have supper after you work up a sweat.
   
• My knee hurts. 
  Quit your whining and walk.  Man up.  Don't be a pussy.
   
• I don’t care what you say, I’m taking the parking garage elevator in the mornings.  Bending isn’t my knee’s friend lately and I’m giving it a break until it sort of loosens up during the day!
  Sigh.  Fine then.  Elevator in the morning.  Down only.  You walk up the stairs after work.
   
• Being sweaty daily is becoming the least of my discomforts. 
   
• Thank goodness for angel food cake!  It’s keeping me semi-sane!
   
• Yeah, I talk to myself a lot.  What of it???
   

Chasing the dog

I grew up in two different houses on Monte Drive in Mandan, ND.  The houses were on either side of the Rader household.  I went to school with Rhonda Rader and spent plenty of time at her house playing as a kid. 

I attended Lewis and Clark grade school.  We walked to school.  It was only a few blocks. 

There was a sidewalk thru the middle of our block that we’d take.  Such a nice touch when I think about it!  I’m not sure who was inspired to put that sidewalk thru the middle of the block but it was a nice place to walk.  It’s now part of my childhood memories.  As I write about it I remember the fences on either side and the greenery that added the “pretty” effect to the walk.  It felt rather like a pretty garden path that you couldn’t go off of without climbing a fence into someone’s yard.  We all knew to be respectful of other people’s property! 

Well, except for the lovely lady at the end of our street.  I wish I could recall her name!  When we’d come across injured birds we’d take them to her.  She would fix them up. 

She had a lovely garden in her yard and raspberry bushes.  The bushes ran in rows.  I remember crouching down in between the rows, reaching thru the poking branches to get at those pretty berries and eating them as quickly as I could pick them.  If she had bad harvests it was probably my fault.  I can’t even recall for sure if I had any cohorts.  Probably, but I don’t recall for sure and I won’t incriminate them.  There was something wonderful about having stolen raspberries!  At least as far as I was concerned. 

There are so many memories of my years in that neighborhood!  Mostly good.  The one that comes dancing to my mind today is a memory of our dog Penny. 

We had two dogs most of the time.  My Mom believed that dogs needed other dogs to be happy and for company when their people weren’t home so I grew up with multiples in the house. 

When we had Penny we also had Snoox.  I’m not sure either dog was especially fond of the other.  I don’t recall them being great friends.  Snoox was a pure bred cocker spaniel with a mean streak.  She had puppies and then would attack them if they got too close to her food dish.  She made one of their eyes bleed once.  She didn’t win any motherhood awards.  I loved that dog tho and she loved me.  Even after all these years I can still recall her face and how silky her fur felt under my hand. 

Penny was a mutt.  We guessed she might have some sheltie or border collie in her.  She was multi colored on white with flowing feathers on her legs.  She had a deep chest and tho relatively small, she was built for speed.  I always imagined she was part greyhound!  There weren’t a lot of greyhounds in ND (not a great climate for them) so I rather doubt she was but her build, aside from the longer hair, made me think of a small greyhound. 

Penny was my Mom’s dog.  She loved my Mom above all other human beings. 

She loved our Grandma almost as much.  She would go bat shit crazy when Grandma would come for visits and her trademark was to sit on Grandma’s feet as soon as she calmed down from her hysterical joy enough to do so. 

My Mom and I were talking about her the other night on the phone.  About how years later, after Mom had sent her to live with Ralph Berger (he had a place on the river where Penny could run freely and she stayed with him until she died) she brought Grandma out for a visit.  It had been years since they’d last seen each other but Penny remembered!  She, once again, showed her hysterical joy at Grandma’s presence and then sat on her feet.  Mom says Grandma threw her head back and roared a great laugh about it!  Grandma used to act annoyed by Penny’s adoration but she was also charmed by it in spite of herself.  Kind of hard to resist someone who loves you so much even if they are hairy and want to give you slobber kisses, which wasn't really Grandma's style.

At our house, during the years when we had Penny, we had to be very careful going in and out of the door because Penny could squeeze past you, given the opportunity, and she’d be gone like a shot!

Those great escapes of Penny were what my mind wandered to this morning.  One of my favorites was on a warm summer evening.  Penny got out and her true joy began! 

All of the neighborhood kids suddenly had purpose also.  Everyone on the block knew Penny.  She’d get loose and the chase was on!

I remember my siblings and I and my neighborhood friends all racing around, yelling strategy to each other, running as fast as we could, trying to outsmart and catch the dog. 

I remember Penny running flat out, like a little bolt of colorful greased lightning, tongue lolling out the side of her mouth as she flew, racing as fast as she could around the grassy area at the end of the street.  She looked like she was laughing at us dog style.

I remember the gasps of fear when she’d race across Sunset Drive on her way to the even larger grassy expanses on the other side.  All of us kids following more slowly, being wisely wary of the traffic. 

It was a great game to her.  It was a game to us also though we never planned it. Penny planned it. 

Her great joy was racing like the wind and keeping just out of our reach until she’d finally had enough and decided to let us catch her.  I can’t think of Penny without thinking of her racing, low to the ground, at incredible speed with that tongue hanging out and the look of joy on her face.  I will also remember running with my friends trying to catch her on a warm summer evening. 

Dogs really can look joyful.  She certainly did! 

The Pioneers

Here's a website about the show I'm reviewing in this blog.

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/the-pioneers/

Last night I discovered a TV “reality” show called The Pioneers, where 4 couples go out into the wilds of SD and try to live like their settler ancestors.   PBS did a show like this years ago and I really enjoyed it so I was excited to watch.  The PBS show producers were real sticklers about trying to stay within historical parameters and actually graded the cast at the end of the show as to how well they immersed themselves into the period.  I thought this show would be the same.  I was horribly wrong.

Now I’m watching and looking for the flaws.  There have been many.  I watched 4 episodes last night.  Says something about the other programming options for the evening doesn’t it?

I believe they put these folks out there, for reals, but many of the supposed obstacles they come across seemed so terribly, painfully staged!

One of the first ones was a big cottonwood tree lying across the route they wanted to take.  Their Lakota Indian guide was going on about how it wasn’t there before so it must have just come down!  I’m looking at its bleached, leafless hulk and thinking this tree has been down for freaking years, dude.  K

I’ve already become annoyed by some earlier things like a pokey goat that they all wanted to leave behind after about an hour of walking - I’m watching this wondering WTF these people are doing on this show anyway if they can’t handle walking with a goat on a leash for an hour or two?  Way to commit to the 3 month experience folks.  K

Anyway, back to the tree obstacle.  They spend a lot of time debating how to get around this tree.  I grew up in ND.  It’s not terribly different from SD.  I have NEVER, in my entire life, come across a tree I could not get around.  K

Guess what the solution was?  Dynamite. 

You heard me.  I said dynamite.  Turns out one of the dudes decided he needed to bring dynamite along as one of his personal items.  REALLY???  I’m trying to wrap my head around why anyone would decide that they needed to bring dynamite along on a 3 month trek to dig out and build a sod house and try to live on the SD prairie for 3 months?

That’s when I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this show was bogus. 

Anyway.  The plan was to tie this dynamite to a tree and then step back and shoot it to ignite it.  K  This apparently took hours because in the shot where he’s tying it it’s daylight but by the time he steps back to shoot it, it’s dusk and he needs lanterns (he didn’t really and yes they would be blown up too) and then he shoots.  They show the shot hit right as the dynamite blows.  The tree hadn’t budged in that shot that I saw.  I was thinking how they’d put the dynamite in a stupid location on the tree and it had failed.  Then they cut to another shot showing the miraculous results where the end of the tree has been blown completely off and is still smoking!  It’s…gasp… it’s a miracle!  Let us pray.   (I think the production staff worked hard to chainsaw that off and then burn it until it didn’t look chainsawed anymore and they did it as fast as their little selves could scramble – praise be!)

Sigh.

By this point I was sucked in.  I knew this was fake.  In a way.  I’m kind of sure they sleep outside like a camping trip.  Kind of. 

EXCEPT.  They broke their wagon and had to stay the night despite the suspect TNT action on the tree.  The next morning when they were all rolling out of bed and carrying on about getting ready to roll I’m noticing the sun position and thinking is it like noon??  Did they actually sleep until noon??  It looked like it was closer to lunch time than morning light wise.  Somehow I’m not buying into the faux waking up scenes.  I know what morning looks like. 

Anyway, their Indian guide leads them on towards their homestead.  Let me mention that in episode 1 the narrator said it was a 2 day trip.  In episode 2 it was magically a 3 day trip.  Editing people.  Pay attention!  I know you really wanted to blow something up to try to create some interest but pay attention to some of the details ok?

They are going on and on about how they are so grateful for their Indian guide leading them across the plains to their new home.  They never would have found the way without him!  K  I’m looking at it and they are clomping down a rutted dirt road.  Yeah.  I need a guide for that.  Too hard to follow a road without a guide.  I call it Indian GPS.  No, I’m not PC.

They come to a barbed wire fence delineating the border of the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, where the rest of the show will take place.  Their GPS asks them if they’re sure they want to continue.  It’s been a day or two and the cast debates if they can take anymore because this has been so much harder than they’d expected.  (really?)  I swear they never would tolerate a camping trip with me!  No makeup, tents but KOA because I do enjoy a daily shower on the road and the one in Rapid City has free pancakes!  But shit, if they can’t take riding in a wagon for 2 days???

Gutsy folk that they are, they decide to cross the barbed wire border into Standing Rock. 

They have drama there, their GPS leaves them.  They celebrate how they made it just like their ancestors!  HUZZAH!  Oh wait.  Their ancestors actually went longer than 3 days and didn’t have a tap out option and actually were committed to their trip so…

They have to go down a hill with their overloaded wagons.  One tips over.  Expected.  Not bad.  Until later that night…

They are sitting around the campfire, singing songs with their guitar (luckily there always seems to be someone who can play and carry a tune in a bunch like this instead of talentless and tone deaf singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall).  Suddenly a couple trucks with headlights come tearing down, driving in fast circles around the camp and the cast grabs their guns to face down these intruders.  The cameras get shut off as they discuss land lease agreements. 

When the truck drivers leave one of the couples decides this has all been too terrifying and it’s time to drop out of the show. 

Wow.

Aside:  Have I mentioned that I grew up in Mandan, ND?  I’m familiar with Standing Rock.  I grew up just north of it.  I’m sorry but I just have a really hard time believing that the folks at Standing Rock would decide to wait until dark to check out intruders on their land and that they would go in and peel around in their trucks in an aggressive manner if they didn’t know what was going on there.  In fact, I really don’t believe that would ever actually happen.  I think that entire scenario was staged. 

Sigh.

And on to building the sod house.  Let me just say these people dig like mo-fo’s!  Looked like someone dug the 6’ pit out with a backhoe but nope, it was just these guys and they weren’t even dirty or anything!  No complaints of blisters on their hands or sore backs or anything!  It’s miraculous.  Let us pray.

The womenfolk go hunting for food.  After about 5 hrs they shoot a rabbit.  This I believe really happened because man, they shot the hell out of that rabbit’s back!  I mean, his spine was mostly gone!  No neat little shot with a 22…they almost blew that thing in half!  THAT was real.  Hell yeah!  Messy as hell!  The womenfolk killed a rabbit and then one even did the obligatory cry about it.  Because women always cry when a bunny is killed. 

Then the rains came.  And the flash flood. 

There are so many, many things I question about this flash flood. 

1.  When you need to supposedly escape a potential flash flood and get to higher ground as fast as you can, why on earth would you cut all of the horses loose, slap them on their asses and set them free???  Wouldn’t it make more sense to ride them up the hill?  I would ride them up the hill.  JS.
2. When you get a little bit of water in your wagon because of a downpour you suddenly decide you must leave said wagon and race for higher ground. 
3. Whose bright idea was it to put the lumber for the sod house there?  Faking a flood is rather difficult to do but…
4. The storm was so bad they had to shut off the cameras.  Amazingly the next morning, the cast looked clean, neat and dry.  How is that possible when they left the wagon to go out in the rain in the middle of the night with no shelter?  They should have been a muddy mess!  Oh, and no one complained about being exhausted from lack of sleep.  I watch Survivor.  I watch the crying, shivering and carrying on that goes on during rainstorms on Survivor.  I’ve camped in rain – you don’t touch the sides of your tent during rain – seriously!  All of this makes me very suspicious.  I’m thinking there was an RV somewhere they all hung out in.
5. They couldn’t have staged a flash flood could they?

Once again they all debated if they were going to call it off.  Then they decide that this is all part of the experience and they’ll tough it out.  And by tough it out they’ll run for the hidden RV during the next flash flood.

I can’t prove the existence of this hidden RV but I believe it exists.

Will I watch another episode?  Maybe.  If I don’t forget about this show by next Tuesday. 

 

Things I learned when I had my colonoscopy...

I turned 50 earlier this year (I'm now teetering on the brink of 51).  As a reward I enjoyed the colonoscopy right of passage.  Now I am officially...well something.  Someone who had a colonoscopy.

There was some good information out there on the internet.  It's not something a lot of people want to talk about.  I'm a bit embarrassed to be talking about it but since I was so curious about some things that I didn't have answers to I feel it's worthwhile to write a few of the things I learned going thru the experience.

Here's some of what I learned.  I hope it helps if you're heading into your own right of passage event!

1) I learned that there is a lot of twisted humor about colonoscopies when I was trying to learn about them.  Savor those cartoons.  Use them during the tough times to keep yourself feeling upbeat about the process.  Just do NOT laugh!  There are certain times when laughing will be a horrible idea!

2)  There are websites that rate the softness of toilet paper.  For reals!  They use a grading scale.  I went out and got some good stuff.  Rated A- which was the highest rated I saw on the one site.

3)  It doesn't matter how soft your toilet paper is or if you have flushable wipes.  Your butt is going to be sore.  You will truly dread the next touch of your super soft toilet paper.  It will happen.  It didn't even take that long for it to happen.

4)  The stuff they give you liquefies everything in your gut.  (Note: The stuff doesn't taste bad but you have to drink a LOT of it - you'll be so full you'll kind of forget that you haven't eaten for a long time.)  You aren't pooping, you're peeing out of your butt like a whale venting its blowhole after a deep dive.

5)  Based on #4, do NOT take phone calls during this phase.  It's hard to explain why you threw the phone across the room when you were sprinting to the bathroom.  Plan to be incommunicado.  Texts are accepted.  They can be answered without offense and at your leisure.

6)  Don't go more than 4-5 steps away from the bathroom.  If you feel the slightest urge to go, MOVE.  Get yourself to that toilet!  I'm not kidding about this.  You'll have almost no warning before all hell breaks loose!  Another tip...don't put down the toilet lid.  Bending over to flip it up could end in disaster.

What's wrong with this picture?  Toilet lid is down.  BAD IDEA!

7) This will continue, to some extent, all night long.  It does settle down some after a few hours but sleep lightly.  Don't trust a fart.  Put this into your head before you go to sleep.  People fart in their sleep.  This is a bad idea!  Remember, you can sleep deeply later.  You don't want to be changing bedding during this phase.  Bending over to unmake/make the bed is not a good idea!

8)  You could wake up the morning thinking..."I'm empty, whew".  Then you'll take the next bottle of stuff they gave you (which tastes kind of indescribable) and you'll find out you weren't empty.

9)  Follow directions about when to stop drinking water and when to take your meds and you will get to the point where you're ok to travel to your appt.  If you're like me tho, you'll no longer trust any sense of pressure in your nethers and will want to bolt for the nearest bathroom at a moments notice.  You will be scoping for bathrooms on the way to check-in.  Your body may or may not finally knock it off despite these urges.  Mine kept going.  I mentioned this to the nurse...how I felt the urge but nothing was happening.  Her response was that my "colon was irritated".  Ya think??

10)  The stuff they give you to help you relax for the actual test works pretty nice!  I didn't sleep - I got to see my insides - it was kind of cool - I was stoned at the time.  I don't remember feeling even slightly embarrassed about what was going on behind me.  I was just watching the zooming around going on the screen in front of me.  It seemed like they were zooming around in there.  I watched them snip a polyp, saw it bleed a little and thought wow, that didn't even hurt!  There are times when being drugged is good.

Afterward my son took me home.  I don't think I acted weird or anything.  My tummy was aching a bit from being so empty.  I couldn't wait to go home and eat.  I was surprised at how little it took to make me feel better so I could sleep.  I had banana bread, a little applesauce and a tiny Cherry Garcia ice cream.  Then I slept really good for a while!!

11)  You might get a nice bruise from your IV to prove you suffered.  Sadly most people don't seem notice hands so they won't be exclaiming about your poor hand or giving you any sympathy about it.  It's rather pitiful to go around pointing it out tho I'll admit I did point it out to one person at least.  If no one sees your IV bruise, was it really there?

12)  The next morning was a little weird.  My tummy was rumbling and working on that food I'd eaten the night before.  It was loud and rowdy like it was having a party or something!  It scared me after my recent experiences.  Luckily it settled down and got back to normal after a few hours.

The main thing I wondered about was how long would the poop fest last.  Well, in summary, all night and into the next day with short breathers here and there.  Do NOT trust a fart!!  There is no such thing as a fart during this process.The good news, it's pretty much done after the exam.  Still, fart with caution for a while.  I said "pretty much done", not 100% done.

Another thing was would I be embarrassed during the exam?  Nope.  I was somewhat high and didn't care one bit!  Surprisingly, I still don't!

There are worse things in life I've been thru but I could happily go the rest of my life without doing this again.  I didn't like it.  Since they found polyps guess who gets to do this again in 5 years?

Bleah.

The fudge that became my obsession, owned me, beat me down and that I finally made my bitch!

This is me.  I'm saying FUCK YEAH whilst I enjoy a glass o' vino in celebration of my bitchifying of the Buttermilk Pecan fudge.  OH YEAH!!  

<Deep sigh of contentment>

I'm writing this blog so I remember how I did this for future reference.  If you choose to take up this fudge challenge, may it help you enjoy success rather than delicious failure.

I first made this fudge last year for a family get together.  I doubled the recipe, followed the directions but the fudge wasn't fudge-like so I added powdered sugar.  It was delicious!  My only complaint was the texture.  Adding the powdered sugar changed it to a somewhat gritty fudge and I assumed made it sweeter than it was originally intended to be.  I'd always assumed the recipe failed because I'd done a double batch.  Little did I know that it failed because I followed the directions too closely!

http://www.lottieanddoof.com/2014/03/buttermilk-pecan-fudge/

http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/pecan-buttermilk-fudge

Here are a couple links to the recipe.  It seems basic and simple.  It is, in a way.  The main message I need to give tonight is that you should NOT follow the time frames listed on the recipe.  IGNORE THE TIME FRAMES!!  If you follow them, your fudge will not turn out.  You will get delicious goo.  I know.  I got delicious goo by following the directions.

Ingredients:

1 C pecans

2 C sugar (white)

1 C buttermilk

1/2 C (1 stick) unsalted butter - cut into pieces 

(unsalted is important - you want control over the salt for this)

1 T honey

1/4 t kosher salt

Flaky sea salt (I used Fleur de Sel)

You'll need a candy thermometer.

Preparation:

Preheat over to 350

Line 9" x 5 " loaf pan with tin foil (works better than parchment paper)

Step 1:

Toast pecans for 8-10 minutes until they smell good and are slightly darkened.  This time frame is good to follow.  I burned them once because I wasn't paying attention.  They aren't cheap.

Remove from the oven and let them cool while you move on to the next step.

Step 2:  

Put your butter pieces, sugar, kosher salt, honey and buttermilk into a heavy bottom sauce pan.  This will boil up so don't use a small sauce pan.  It needs room!  It shouldn't be giant either.  Use some sense.  

Step 3: 

Heat over med-high heat until butter/sugar is melted.  Fit sauce pan with candy thermometer.  Bring mixture to a simmer and cook, stirring occasionally until thermometer measures 238-240, otherwise known as soft ball stage.  The mixture will have darkened a bit to a pale gold and will no longer smell like melted butter but more like toffee.  

Cook it until it hits soft ball stage.  This will take a while.  Ignore the recipe directions.  Just keep going until you get there.  

* It's very important to test for soft ball stage.  Get a glass of cold water and dribble a little bit of the candy into it.  Here's how I do it...reach into the water and grab a bit of the candy.  If you can't grab it because it dissolves, it's not ready.  You should be able to touch it and have it hold some level of form that you can squish or roll between your fingers.  As soon as it does that, remove from heat.  

If you let it go too long it will hit hard ball stage and your fudge will be brittle instead of creamy.  You need to be watching and testing every few seconds.  You don't want to miss the right timing!  I've failed enough, resulting in goo (temp too low) and crumbles (temp too high).  

See how the thermometer has soft ball and hard ball stages noted?  I went to a notch over soft ball before it was actually soft ball.

Step 4:

Pour the candy into your mixing bowl.  Using a paddle attachment begin beating.  I work my way up for speed.  The directions say to beat on med-high speed.  Last time I tried that right out of the gate it was splattering all over the place.  238 degree liquid candy isn't all the fun to have splattering all over the place!  So I work my way up.  It won't take long and you'll get to the med-high speed.  You want that speed.  You're adding air into the mixture and cooling it off.  

pale gold color, smell has changed from buttery to more toffee-like, tho not strong

Step 5:

Wait. 

I hope you have a kitchen-aid or you are not going to enjoy this part!

You should rough chop the cooled pecans since you have some time.

Still glossy and gooey here but starting to change

It changed!  It became matte instead of glossy and stopped being goo!

Step 6:

After what seems like a long time (ignore the recipe directions - don't stop beating it until it changes its shine and consistency) suddenly your fudge should change from shiny and gooey to matte and stiff/semi-creamy.  It's done!  Take a sturdy spoon as the mixture will be thick and fold in the pecans.  

Step 7:  

Put fudge into prepared loaf pan and press into shape.  Once it is spread out and smoothed, sprinkle some of the flower of the sea (fancy salt) over the top.  Use your fingers and don't coat it.  Just a sprinkle but you want a sprinkle on every bite!

The fudge in this picture stayed gooey and didn't set up.  You can see how it looks shiny.  It's not supposed to be shiny.
BUT you can see the fancy salt I used for topping!

This is the successful batch, cooling.  It makes me happy :)

Step 8:  

Let it set up for an hour, use the foil to remove from pan and cut up.  You now have some wonderful, tangy, sweet and salty and non-chocolate fudge to savor!  

It really is delicious!  I have an addiction!  And now I have a record of how I did it!